Ow. Ow. Ow.

I put my back out. It was stupid, really... I guess the way most 'I put my back out' stories are... I was standing my bike up after lying it down to sit and watch a performance at StreetFest (OMG FUN!) and KEEE-RUNCH - agonizing pain. As I lowered myself to the ground as slowly and gently as I could while in excruciating pain, I knew there was no way I was getting up any time soon. A nice volunteer named Guy called 911 and I got a ride in an ambulance. I suppose I'll have to pay for that 2.5 minute ride to the hospital. Suck. I hear it's $120 bucks. Huge suck. The upside is - nothing is out of place, it's spasming and they gave me fun drugs (valium and T3s) to ease the pain until it works itself out. They are working marginally at this point, but rest and more drugs should do the trick in 2-7 days. If this post isn't all that coherent... well, blame the valium.

Before the back incident, I was REALLY enjoying StreetFest. I bought myself some practice poi (with green and purple streamers!) and a quena - a south american notched flute made by a local craftsman. I also bought a digeriedoo. Two, in fact. One for Matthew for Christmas (Merry Christmas in July!) and a smaller one for me. I'm looking forward to playing and practicing - I want music in my life that comes from our family. =-) On the bright side - with the back problem I'll have lots of time to practice. ;-) I still want to go down to Streetfest at least once more and talk to the flute maker about the range of the instrument... and maybe buy an actual rennaissance flute that you play sideways, too. I know. I'm bad. I'm not buying myself any new clothes until I finish shrinking... and I shouldn't even buy THESE things... but here I am, buying them, anyway. =) I'll enjoy them. I already have enjoyed the quena - I played it (quietly) while lying in the emergency ward. Fun!

Anyway... drugs. Good. Back pain. Bad. Coherence. Missing. Methinks I'm going to go veg on the couch and play my new quena for a while.

The memorial service yesterday was really beautiful. There were a lot of tears shed, including my own... even though I didn't know "Uncle" very well, he meant so much to Carla and she was in so much pain, that I took some of it into myself and expressed it. It was a tiring day - emotionally draining.

This weekend we will be heading to Vancouver for a whirlwind tour. Leave Nelson on Friday at 11:30am and leave Vancouver on Saturday night after M's course. Yow. Lucky for me, they'll drop me off at my parents' house and pick me up when they're done the course.

I started Somersizing last week. I've lost 5lbs so far. My pants fit better, again. This rocks. Food has always been my problem. Sugar most certainly has been. I have yet to find a Splenda sweetened drink to satisfy my sweet drink craving.... I will not do Aspartame. I just can't. I've heard too many bad things about it. This diet isn't low fat at all. It's low carb. I eat fruit and some whole-grain carbs with skim milk for breakfast and then I go for proteins and fats with veggies for the rest of the day. It's amazing how I'm losing weight. I don't even miss the sugar -- and I have been a HUGE slurpee, iced tea, jam on toast fiend for ever. These were the things that were causing me to gain weight. Going to 'low-fat' substitutes only added more carbs and sugar to my diet... which made the weight gain worse. Anyway. If anyone has any questions about what I'm doing diet-wise, just post in my guestbook and I'll answer you... otherwise I won't bore you to death with every pound. Maybe just every 5lbs, okay?.... only 25 more to go to goal weight.

Early yesterday morning Carla's Uncle passed away suddenly in her arms. They were very close. All I want is to be there for her. I will be.

The sea of storms has calmed since last I wrote. The weekend brought a bicycle trip to Salmo - about 55km. Far for our first ride... and most of it along the old Burlington Northern rail line that runs through Nelson, Ymir and Salmo. It was a bit bumpy on the bum, but the scenery, the clean air and the peacefulness compared to taking the highway made it a trip to soothe the soul. It was also soothing because we got to Salmo on our own steam and had the option to leave whenever we wanted to. It felt like I was more in control, more powerful in the situation. Equal. I didn't feel like I was a burden, and I felt like we had a say in how things went... it seems weird because things are never forced or nasty out there... but that small sense of being "empowered" did wonders for my psyche.

Yesterday I spent most of the day with an old Basset Hound named Willy. He was trundling down the street at about 8:50 am as I was watering the garden. The middle of the street. With no human friend in sight. I grabbed him, persuaded him up the stairs with cookies and a leash and he turned out to be a real sweetheart. He talked a lot. That groaning, grumpy, huffy, deep-whine of a talk... which was very cute. We posted signs, called the SPCA, the vets... nobody had reported him missing. We were just about to settle down for the night to watch "The Pianist" when I saw someone pull up and tear down the sign we'd put up accross the street. Willy's Mom. They had been away so they hadn't been missing him and our signs had been up since before they got home so the worry on their end was far less than ours. Willy wiggled like crazy when he saw her and sang for us when he got into the car. It was adorable. I should have gotten a picture of him. *sniffle*

Today is the day to clear out the stuff we're sending to the Sally Ann. And the paper recycling. And get this place cleaned up and creative. I have to go talk to our landlady and see if she'll drive us downtown with all the junk. Off I go.

How morbid and depressing I can be. I'm trying to make a list of things to do today... and I'm torn between getting out to Salmo because I said I would and staying here and doing whatever. I think I'd like to ride out there tomorrow morning with Matthew. We can do it if we leave early enough. I can spend today finishing my stained glass, cleaning up that table area, packing and then doing whatever needs doing around here. Maybe I'll sketch... I haven't in too long. Practice makes perfect..... no, not perfect, but practice makes art. Without it, I just think about making art, and that doesn't accomplish anything.

Another sleepless night. Perhaps tonight I will take the plunge and make some sleepytime tea. Though not yet.... too much pondering going on. Some of it, I hope, coming to good. More and more and more of the overwhelming feelings of the weekend washing over me. To the point of getting into a state that I have not been in since I was in my teens. Absolutely overwhelemd. Numb. Feeling separated from everything else in the universe except what was going on in my own head. Which wasn't pretty.

I'm sure it's regression. I'm sure it's due to meeting my birth family and going back to the "trying to fit in" feeling of my teens. But I think there's something more there, too. Feeling not good about myself to the point of walking into the bathroom and suddenly wondering how much blood would drip from my arms were I to slash them with an exacto isn't normal, even for me. I seem to think it's a big secret that I don't think I'm good enough - but I'm always hinting at it... asking for approval.. checking in with my honey to be sure he's not going to leave me... it's become worse because of the regression, I think.

The one good thing in all of this is that I am able to look at it, once the feelings of numbness pass, and seriously say to myself. I am going to go get some help with this. I can't do it on my own, but I CAN do it.

I lied, there are two good things in all of this. The above, and the fact that M. is totally willing to come with me on this trip to figure out why I feel this way. For us.

He rocks. We'll make it.

This weekend was a multitude of feelings and emotions. I feel like I'm 15 all over again. I'm visiting with my birth family more and more.. this weekend, our 'nuclear' famliy was all together in the same place for the very first time. It was a farewell party for my birth sister Candy. Birth mom, birth dad, birth sisters... all together. As I always have done, I was trying to fit in. Why do I do this? Why have I ALWAYS done this? Why has it NEVER, not once, not EVER... felt like I actually belonged despite my efforts? Is this a feeling that is life-long for adoptees? I don't fit with my adoptive family, I don't fit with my birth family. I don't fit ANYWHERE. Even in my relationship... I don't feel like I "belong". I feel like, through no fault of my own, everything good that happens will eventually come to an end. I will live my life full of memories. Memories of what was, memories of dreams. I will live my life as a fraction of what it could be. Who am I? Where do I belong? Maybe I'm too scared to let myself belong anywhere. Always the chameleon. Changing my colour to fit that of those around me. Some have called me 'original'. I don't. In my mind, I'm the biggest fraud there is.

There are moments, fragments of my life, where I don't feel this way. When I know, definitively, what purpose it is I have devised for myself, when I experience life from a place of strength and certainty. I thought that meeting my birth family would be one of those... instead I find myself a child again. A teenager - but with no rules. I can drink, smoke pot... do anything at all as I flail through the emotions, the doubts and the death of dreams. Coming to terms with the reality of a family that I never knew. An origin that is shared. An experience that is not.

Maybe that is the work of reunion? Maybe that is the experience of reunion. It is my experience. Is that where I belong? In my own experience?

Wheee! I did it. I bought the wringer washer. I paid for it today, now I'm just searching for a way to get it here without paying $25 for delivery. It's a speed queen, model 26-231W. I want to find out more about it, like when it was made, get a manual for it, stuff like that... and I can hardly wait to use it!! Oh the bliss.... clean clothes and not having to cart them downtown to the laundromat. I'm not quite sure how we're going to dry sheets during the winter... but we'll figure something out. Probably on the line that M. rigged in the spare room - so far it's only been used to dry my tent - but well-wrung sheets should be no problem. The price was more than $75, but it will still be paid for in less than 1/2 year of going to the laundromat. Happiness...

This weekend brings going to Salmo again. My birth-sister Candy is moving to Calgary at the end of the month and this is her 'farewell party'. It should prove to be a raucous good time. Hope M. has fun with me, he's not usually into that kind of scene - neither am I, but I think I'm more adaptable that way.

Why, oh why, is it that people who have animals love to put cheezy midi files on their website? That pretty much tops the list of things I can't stand... that and pop-ups. Thank goodness I never thought either were a good idea on my own websites.

Epona.com is coming along. Now to photograph my pottery and get it up there. A project for a day with 4 hours of sleep? Hmm... I might have to think about that one... maybe while I have a nap.

Can't sleep. I don't know if it's because I worked on the computer all day or because I'm wishing my honey had seduced me tonight instead of farting off to bed (literally).

Had a laundry kind of day today.. which was good. It needed doing. MAN do things dry FAST when it's this hot out! Luckily for me, it stays really, really cool in the basement suite we're in. I have to put on a fleece to keep warm if I'm not moving around much - even on the hottest days. After doing laundry I happened to notice a sign saying "Farm fresh eggs $3" in the appliance repair shop next to the laundromat. I went in to buy some and on a whim I asked them if they knew where I could get a wringer washer. They have one in their shop. They think it's $75 and they know it works. Someone is going to call me back with a confirmation on the price.

Now.... I know this may seem weird, but hey... this is me I'm talking about here... I really, REALLY want a wringer washer. You know, the old fashioned kind that has a big wringer on the top and you run your clothes through it to squeeze the water out. There are a number of reasons for this, probably none of which will stop you from going "WTF?! WHY??!" but I'm going to list them anyway. It's late. I'm suffering from insomnia. You've been warned.

1. Wringer washers use less water. You can do all your loads of laundry with the same wash water before you have to drain the tank.
2. Wringer washers use less time - you only have to agitate long enough to get your clohtes clean, not for the entire 'cycle' of a regular machine. The dirtier, the longer. You decide.
3. Wringer washers use less detergent (one batch of wash water for all loads)
4. They're smaller than 'normal' washing machines.
5. They're cheaper than 'normal washing machines. (to buy, fix and run)
6. They look cool.

At any rate... if the price truly is $75 and the shop will deliver... then I think I'll be buying it to do laundry with. It sure beats handwashing and trying to wring enough water out of the clothes to have them dry in this cold basement in less than four days...

Back to surfing... Wish I could sleep.

I've been working on www.epona.com this morning... so far - it's going well... at least I think so. Now all I have to do is add some content. Heh. Isn't that always the way?

I'm going to use it as a creative site - journalling and displaying my creative journey. I'll still use this for my personal rants and raves. I figure on having sections for pottery, photographs and other creative persuits... we'll see how it goes. It's not up, yet... but if you ask nicely, I can certainly give you a sneak preview. =) I'm trying to find a way to put my email address on the website without getting a mega-ton of spam and without having it impossible for newbie users to successfully email me...

At any rate... I'm also trying to get my favourite digital photos up and take some nice photos of the pottery that I'm not ashamed of and put that up there as well... poetry and short stories to come...

I've been working on www.epona.com this morning... so far - it's going well. Remarkably well. Now all I have to do is add some content. Heh. Isn't that always the way? I'm going to use it as a creative site - journalling and displaying my creative journey. With sections for pottery, photographs and other creative persuits... we'll see how it goes. It's not up, yet... but if you ask nicely, I can certainly give you a sneak preview. =) I'm trying to find a way to put my email address on the website without getting a mega-ton of spam and without having it impossible for newbie users to successfully email me...

I lost my post yesterday that said "We're in Vancouver"... so here's the shorter version in a recap. We're in Vancouver for the wedding of a childhood friend of Matthew's. The wedding was beautiful - in Stanley Park at The Pavillion and I met a lot of the people that Matthew grew up with in the Slocan Valley. Today we slept in like crazy and then had brunch with my parents. I surprised my mom with my new short haircut - yes, I did it, I cut off the dreads. As much as I loved the look - they were just so not practical for the lifestyle that I lead... going hiking in tick infested forests when you have a 124 nappy dreads isn't the smartest idea... plus they are way warm in the summer, PLUS I can't wear my horseback riding helmet with them... so it was time for them to go. I'm glad I did have them, though - I would have regretted not having done it at least once in my life.

Anyway lunch was great - we then picked up some dogfood and we're now on our way down to the Greyhound station to catch our overnight bus to Nelson. We get there at 5:10 AM... we leave at 6PM. One hour shorter than the ride down here. Heh.

At any rate... I hope this post works - if not I'll be updating from home with even fewer details. ;-)

We're in Nelson. Move was smooth as silk (though we have WAY too much "stuff" - don't even get me started on that one.) I love Nelson, the hills, the shops, the mountains, the wilderness, the civic centre movie theatre that shows one movie per week (or so). =-) This week is Matrix Reloaded - we went to see X2 the week before last. We're walking and biking everywhere and loving it. I don't feel homesick for the Lower Mainland at all - I wonder if I will? I probably won't because I can still call my Mom and Dad whenever I want to and my whole "immediate" family is here, already... Matthew, Rainy and Wave... and all of our "stuff". Gah. Time for another garage sale.

I met my birth dad on the weekend and I can really see where I get a fair bit of who I am and what I look like. Wow. I have a pic of the two of us together for those of you who are interested. Email me. Same bat time. Same bat channel. (telus.net, fools!)

Anyway.. updating this thing isn't what I want to be doing right now. We're expecting company in about an hour's time - they're driving up from Vancouver. Whee! Full house! Then we're heading to Vancouver by Greyhound on Friday night for a wedding on Saturday. We'll probably be back on Tuesday morning.

Things are coming together for the move... Pretty much the only thing that isn't packed is my computer. Heh. Go figure. ;-) It's our entertainment centre and connection to the world right now, but soon it, too will be relegated to bubble wrap and cardboard for a few days. ADSL is available where we're moving but it won't be ready until about a week after our phone line is hooked up on the 29th... so no internet for us for a week or so. Eep.

Ah well. All is good. So if you can't find me for a few days or I don't answer (hmm... what else is new, eh?) I'll be back online and checking my telus email soon.

The adventure continues...

The haxor handle of Heather is "Sex0r Dr3am".

What's yours? Enter your name:

Hee! Ali told a fib. She did share the Kim goodness with me - for a lovely stroll and lunch on The Drive. I'm very thankful, since they rescued me from my brain which was getting a bit fractured and more than usually odd as the result of packing for such an extended period. I'm now full of burger and salad goodness, refreshed from their presence and our walk and ready to tackle it again. A few more hours and I'll head out for some Easter Turkey dinner at Matthew's mom's place. =) Better get cracking. We're loading the truck one week from today. Eep!

So things never go as we expect them to. Thank goodness! I expected the worst when I went over to my parents' house yesterday... and though it was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do, it really had better results than I could have hoped for. I feel closer to my parents than I ever have before. They now know *everything*. There's nothing that I'm hiding anymore. It seems there always has been... and now it's clear that they're my parents and I can love and trust them as I've always wanted to. And even though they have told me that they do not want to have contact with the birth family... they're not mad that I will continue to do so.

In other amazing news, I've been accepted to KSA for first year studies! Whee! Now to figure out where the money to live and study is going to come from.

Did anyone think that I'd ever be here? I didn't. Happy. Moving to Nelson, job lined up, apartment lined up, engaged to be married, registering for school in the fall??! Amazing. Blessed Be.

Well. I'm home in Vancouver. I can barely believe the whirlwind weekend we've had. We left Friday afternoon around 3:00 and arrived in Salmo at 12:30 - long drive with lots of anticipation on my part of what we were headed into. There were so many emotions and feelings and things going on - it feels as though we've been gone two weeks. The short results are: I met my birth Mother, my full sister and her partner, my neices, my nephew, my birth Grandmother and birth Aunt and we all had dinner together. Matthew and I both got jobs and we found a basement suite to live in underneath what we think will be a great landlord and neighbour. I had my admissions interview at KSA and it went swimmingly well. I'll hear if I'm accepted in the next few weeks.

To quote a dear and loveable person named Ali, "Oh my word!".

I can't begin to describe the emotions that are running through me. I'm overwhelmed with the fear, the doubt, the worry and the anxiety about telling my Mom and Dad tomorrow about ALL of the goings on this weekend (they already know about the job and the apartment part) plus the stress of the fact that I have way less than absolutely no money until a few weeks after I start work up there.

Matthew just called. He rocks. We'll make it through this together. I'm still stressed, but not overwhelmed. I love you, Matthew. OMG. So much.

We're going.

Yes, the interview in Nelson is this coming Monday... not last Monday... and combined with the stress of a job interview, comes not one but TWO delightful passtimes... First, Meeting the Birth Mother (and family). I'm ready, though. I'm glad I've already met Carla and they all have pictures of me etc etc etc... makes things much easier. Then there's the job interview, and after the job interview there will be the tour of the school I want to go to and the admissions interview complete with portfolio presentation. Yikes. Ok. Gadzooks.

I'll be fine, really.

We leave in 25 minutes.

Got my domain back for another year.. whew. =) Not that I'm using it for anything... Dur. Anyway....

Life is throwing big things at me and I'm responding, most of the time. I've just signed up for the Trout Lake Pottery Club.. and it looks like I may not be able to use the studio time for much longer. Matthew has an interview in Nelson on Monday and I do, too. It's crazy how fast things are swirling. We finally got this place unpacked and sorted and liveable and now it might be time to pack it all up again and get it up to Nelson. I guess we'll see... things are as they are.

I'm in a slump in my SELP project... I don't think I've mentioned that project on here, yet... it's the Landmark Self Expression and Leadership Program - and my project is a Raku firing on the beach for beginner potters. I feel like I should be working on it... and yet I am stopping myself. I just want to move up to Nelson and go to school... but school doesn't start until Semptember and I haven't even gotten IN yet. The SELP course ends in June...

Meh.

So much to do... test some things on the computer to see what's causing the evil and annoying intermittent alarm, the rest of the dishes, some laundry... all the mundane things of life... and all I want to do right now is go to the pottery studio. ;-) I think that starting Monday, that's just what I'll do for the rest of the week. See how much I can accomplish at this stage in a week's worth of working in the studio. Time to add some more water to my clay to get it soft enough to throw and extrude. Big plans. Big, big plans.

My domain has gone offline and I can't figure out how to renew it! I'm trying through register.com... but so far no word at my admin address. Eep. That means that for the time being, I only have epona1-at-telus-dot-net as my email address. So update accordingly. Cool. Cool.

I know how Ali feels. I've just never quite given up on this blog thing... mainly because no one online would know what was up with my life and partly because, when needed, this outlet is FANTASTIC for ranting and raving. I find I do a whole lot less ranting and raving these days, though... and just more living and loving life. Time to get showered and drive to Maple Ridge to paint the room there back to Rental Beige. Pottery tonight. Whee!

By the way, in case I've never told you, M stands for Matthew. He's the love of my life.

Ali came and visited yesterday - which was fun and mellow... she and M. and Rainy and I wandered up Commercial and grabbed Chai Lattes from Starbucks. You really can see *every* kind of person imaginable on Commercial Drive -- and so we people watched and window shopped. It was good.

Then went to a family birthday party - that at the time, frankly, I didn't want to go to. I'd never met any of the people that were going to be there (other than M.'s mom and sister and niece) and I didn't feel like sharing my soul with everyone - or so I thought until I met them. They're all really easy-going and cool - and I enjoyed myself thoroughly. We got into talk about the world and pending war, our political system and tons of other things... it was really a lot of fun. Great people. So glad I'm gonna be a part of this for the rest of my life. =)

Spoke to Carla yesterday - my birth half sister. She's going to be down again on Thursday - we're going to hook up - probably Friday... since I have an appointment on Thursday night with the Potter's club... and it's my birthday... wow... one whole year of being 30 flashed by so quickly. So much happened... and it's been completely fantastic overall. 30 is amazing. I highly reccommend it.


Off to start the day.

She *is* sweet. And she brought me pictures! I have pictures of people who I resemble!! I'm in shock. There were surprisingly very few tears... mostly smiles and talking and looking at photo albums. She had an appointment to get to, and I have class tonight, so we parted around 1:00... I saw her tear up a bit as she left the restaurant... I had photo albums to pack up and cart off. My birth mom sent down some photos, including her wedding photo with my Birth Dad. Wow!

I was nervous before the meeting, so I headed to the store and picked up a bouquet of flowers for her... she brought me some Body Shop stuff which was very sweet. She gave me a photo album with pictures of my birth realtives, including her, my full sister, my half-sister, my 2 nieces, my nephew, my Grandmother, great grandmother, grandfather, aunt... wow. It's amazing to look at pictures of people who I am physically related to, when I've never been able to do that my entire life.

M. was able to take a long lunch and meet us at the restaurant - which was wonderful. My half sister is is beautiful, slender with long legs, big gorgeous eyes, red hair and an infectious smile. I saw videos of her foal and all her horses, and I saw pictures of everyone imaginable. I can hardly wait to visit them.

Her beau is the cousin of a girl that I went to school with. It's a crazy small world! They're staying at her brother's place out in Burnaby. Wow. I'm overwhelmed. I'll have to document this some place else, some other time... cuz I'm too stunned to write coherently right now.

I'm going to meet my half-sister and her beau today. At 11:00. M.'s coming, too. Yay! She sure seems sweet on the phone... I just hope I don't phlegm all over her. Nasty. Nasty. Cold. Yick.

This was to post from yesterday... silly blogger. =)

I've had so much to post lately, and silly me -- was over filling the blogger buffer and it wouldn't publish. Heh. So here's the short version.

The call went well on the 17th. Amazingly well. I know it's probably the "first blush" stage of a new relationship... but the connection is undoubtably there. Since the 2 and a half hour call with my B-Mom, I have also spoken to my half sister Carla (for about an hour and a half) - she tried searching for me last year, though things didn't get completed, and now I've found them... so it's all good. She'll be driving in to Vancouver tonight, and depending on how I'm feeling physically, we may meet up tomorrow for lunch and a photo exchange. I've been sick the last two days... nasty cold... keeping me up at night... so we'll see. I don't want to pass it on!

The move is going well... Slowly but surely. We moved all the crap I had out of storage and had the yard sale that I mentioned last post. We were selling things ridiculously cheap... and it paid off. Got rid of most of what we didn't need, and got some money to boot! Trying to get EI... got a notice from them that they're " looking into " my claim and "a decision will be made, soon". Meh. Hope it goes my way. I'll fight for it. Cuz, really, my leaving was mutual.

Sunday we went to Granville Island and picked up the clay mural by Bob Kingsmill. It's gorgeous. Just what I'd hoped for and more. I keep looking at it on our wall and thinking - my God, it's beautiful! Not only is it beautiful in itselft, but the fact that it's my engagement present (rather than the ring) makes it even more beautiful to me. The day was gorgeous and sunny, the air was crisp and clear and overall it was glorious.. until I got sick that evening... but we'll just wipe that part out of our memories, shall we? Yes. We shall. I have pictures of it, but I'm not at a computer that can hook up to my camera, so they'll have to wait until I am in Maple Ridge.

I'm working on writing down all my feelings and experiences with the adoption reunion... maybe I'll put it all in a book, one day?

That's all for now. I'm not feeling very well... the couch, some jell-o and a few DVDs ought to put me right to sleep. *snortle*

Ali's comin' up. w00t!

Continued from the 17th...

After the yard sale, dinner and re-arranging furniture last night, all my fears and expectations weighed in and took their toll on my tired mind. I felt overwhelmed, anxious, and absolutely deathly afriad of speaking to her today. Here ends my fantasy birth mother and begins a real human being. My REAL birth mother. I have no idea what to expect, and yet my fantasy birth mother is lingering in my mind with all of the expectations that fantasy includes. Those expectations don't mean that she is going to be the way I expect. The fear doesn't mean that there is actually anything to be afraid of. All they mean is that I have expectations, and that I'm feeling afraid. Period. End of story.

After those realizations, I was able to feel a bit better about things, not nearly so overwhelmed, not nearly so freaked out and out of control... I still felt afraid. I still had expectations, but I KNEW they didn't mean anything, and I could just let them be there... and then see what REALLY happened when we spoke.

I'm ready. Still afraid. Still full of expectations... but I'm ready.

This should have been posted on the 17th... but blogger would not co-operate until NOW. Grr.

Yard sale yesterday. After the amalgamation of two households by moving all my stuff out of storage, we had a lot of extra CRAP! Very tiring after being up until about 3AM with the play on Saturday and then the after-play get together at the director's house. Great bunch of people... talented AND fun. I'll miss them with the move to Vancouver. :-/

On Saturday afternoon just before I had to leave to get to the play setup, the social worker called me. My birth-mom had called her wondering how to get in touch with me, becuase she had called - she called last Monday and left a message with her mom's number on it. She has no phone. I dropped the ball somewhat and didn't call her back. I wrote, eventually, on Thursday night and mailed the letter on Friday. My excuse was that I didn't want to talk to my birth Grandmother first, I wanted to talk to HER first. Just an excuse. Since I had to leave the house in about 15 minutes, I asked if we could schedule something for Monday... I would be free, any time. We've arranged for me to call her at 1:00PM, at her mom's, today.

So many emotions have been running through me. Last night I FULLY realized what is going to happen to me today. Today, I am going to speak with my birth mother. I am actually going to hear HER voice on the phone and get to know how she expresses herself, whether she likes me or not... though I'll always have doubts on that front, I'm sure. I never really believe *anyone actually likes me. Not completely, anyway. I'm pretty sure this stems from being adopted. I have no idea what else will come of this conversation... we'll learn tons about each other, I'm sure.

Been figuring out what to do about the logistics of moving. Getting stuff out of storage before the 13th so as not to have to pay for another month, figuring out packing and when/how to move things from my brother's place to M.'s place, figuring out how to get cheap/free paint to paint my bedroom there before I leave.... all before the end of the month, while fitting in several rehersals and performances of "Eat Your Heart Out" with the Emerald Pig Theatrical Society as well as attending seminars and pottery classes.

Whew!

Not to mention finding work.

I have also finally heard from Family Services about my b-mom. I now know that this summer I was probably right accross the street from where she lives during my travels to the Kootenays.

Amazing.

I don't know if I'm pushing the impact of this news down or if the biggest impact (aside from actual contact with her) hit when I was informed that they'd found her, and that I have a full sister and a half sister...

So much to think about there, but I'm trying hard not to OVER think it - I don't want to stick any huge expectations on the meeting or on who she is, who they are, how I'll fit in, if I'll fit in... but I really can't help doing it. At least I realize that all they are is 'expectations' and they are no indication of what the reality will be.

Busy weeks ahead even without a job, though money will become an issue fairly soon. *sigh* Why can't I just be paid millions just to be the wonderful human being that I am? *cough*

How different has life turned out to be than I thought it would last March? I was ready to buy my own place/give up everything and travel/be on my own forever and ever amen.... and none of that has happened. I'm still changing and growing... I still miss George at times - mainly because his new woman has taken him away from me and made him see it as "weird" that we would still be friends. He made the choice to tell me how weird he now thinks it is, though... ah well. I vow to not initiate contact this time... but to wait and see what happens. He'll always have a friend here should he need one but the energy I've been putting into maintaining our friendship is costing me too much... up to him, now.

Instead of remaining single and becoming an old maid, I met M. He changed my mind about the being single thing by being so much like me. We share opinions, beliefs, hobbies, dreams..... so much.... and we're both at the same place in life. Not to mention that I think he's gorgeous. ;-) Big blue eyes, dark hair with big, loose curls, thick dark mysterious eyebrows, oh-so-kissable lips.... I could go on but I'm sure I already have at some time in this blog and I'd just be repeating myself. ;-)

Being engaged still doesn't seem real to me... I don't think it will seem real until we go and pick up our mural... is it just pre-engagement jitters? Is it the fact that life, once again, is upside down? The difference this time is that I know and can see the direction that I am headed. I know what I have accomplished by 2010. It's not just fluff any more.... though I still sit in inaction and don't go for it hardcore as I would like to be. Fear. Wimpy-ass fear. I can and will overcome it. I can and will accomplish something towards my future goals TODAY.

Better get on that. ;-)

Not feeling very motivated to find a new job this past week. Still not motivated to go out THIS week, either. Too much else going on. :-/

I'll be moving at the end of this month. Since M. and I will be engaged, my criteria for moving in together is satisfied and I will be moving back to Vancouver to share space with him and wonderful upstairs neighbours/landlords, too. I will miss this place, however. The yard rocks for Rainy, the house is cozy and sweet. The kitchen is large and functional... but I *will* have all my own kitchen supplies again, that'll make things better than they are there, now. ;-) We will also be able to paint and make it fun, funky and cozy the way I've made my room, here. Have to ask my roomies if they want me to paint that room back to beige (blah) before I go, or leave it as is. We shall see.

Things to do this coming month:

Find a job. Meh.
Do lighting for play. Whee!
Move things out of storage and into Vancouver.
Move me to Vancouver.
More pottery.
Make Soap. (I got a soap making kit for Christmas - belatedly yesterday...) and I just bought a great book from Value Village on soap making from scratch. Looks awesome and I plan to make lots. Expect soap, knitting (possibly) and pottery as Christmas gifts this year, folks. That's all you're getting!

Had a good visit with Mom learning and practicing the knit stitch for knitting... purl? perl? pearl? comes next... ;-) I'm slow and I add and drop stitches occasionally, but practice makes perfect. I have my Grandma's knitting needles and her knitting bag. It's very pretty, wicker-ish thing with bright coloured flowers all over one side. Very 60's my Mom says... Dunno, I wasn't around for those.

After the Mom and Dad visit, I went over to my honourary aunt and uncle's place. They're more like great friends of mine than friends of my Mom and Dad's... we talked about life, my Mom, my Dad, my wonderful M and a whole host of other things. We ate freshly baked scones and had tasty soup and when I wondered why I was yawning so much and checked my watch discovered that it was 10 minutes to midnight and I'd been there since around 4:15!! Time flies when you spend it with wonderful people.

Hum. How much more haircut can I be? I'll stop now and post again when I'm more inspired.

Much has happened since last post.

I have completed the Landmark Education Advanced Course. Mind blowing... that's all I can say. That work is really helping me to focus on what is important to me in life. Happiness. Fulfillment. Community. I learned a new way to look at the future. I learned a new way to listen to people. I learned about who I have been being in my life. I learned that I'm not the follower that I always thought I was. I am a leader. Wow. Floored me, too... Just to name a few.

On Tuesday morning, M. and I went to visit Bob Kingsmill - a creative and talented potter whose work we both (especially me) fell in love with when we visited Granville Island a few weeks ago. We went to commission a clay mural as an engagement gift (instead of the evil diamond ring) - we asked him for one of his celtic knotwork arch ones - with horses involved and trees and water... it will be beautiful. He is not only wonderfully talented and creative, but he's a fantastic guy, too. I told him that I am becoming a potter, he asked me what I was working on - I told him I am "cylinder girl". He approved, saying there is so much to be learned from throwing cylinders. I agree. So far I've learned tons. He was jovial and relaxed and the whole experience was magical. Had we come a week earlier, we probably could have watched the piece bieng made! I'll go down and watch him build a different mural when he comes back next month.

I'm going to be doing the lighting for a local theatre company's production of Nick Hall's "Eat Your Heart Out" a romantic comedy being put on as dessert theatre by the Emerald Pig Theatrical Society for Valentine's Day. Sunday I'll attend my first rehersal of it and next week will bring the technical setup and rehersal learning how to operate the light board! I love volunteer work... you get to learn such cool things!

The Birth Mom thing is halted as I wait to hear back from Nila at Family Services... I hadn't heard anyting further so I called today to check on it. She'll call b-mom and find out where it stands... and let me know tomorrow. Hope all is still well. Hoping for the best. Prepared for the worst.

The job hunt has taken a new twist. Searching for an established functional-ware potter who is looking for an indentured slave. The way I see it is this: I really want to learn this stuff, to do it and be it from the depths of my soul. Clay is magical and I need to learn the skills to weave and work the magic. Being a waitress and potting on the side isn't going to do that. If you know of anyone... or anyone who might know of anyone in the Lower Mainland, BC... let me know. =) I only require enough income to pay rent, buy food and pottery supplies and occasionally visit my friends... and I will work long, long hours for it. Thursday next week my search at Granville Island will begin. March 6 (strangely enough my Birthday) I will be able to join the Richmond Potter's Club... inexpensive, studio use included, and pay per piece for firing. PLUS being exposed to a number of different potters, workshops, volunteer opportunites (kiln loading, glaze mixing etc) where I can learn tons, and get involved in the pottery community.

Life. Is. Good.

More later... new website to work on!

Yesterday. It was the last visit to work before becoming a pass-card-less person who needs to be 'escorted' around. There was cake. There was hugging. There were goodbyes. Felt great.

Yesterday. It was the visit to my parents' house last night so they could learn that I have dreads and learn that I have given notice at McKesson... and so Mom could tell me how dreads are horrible and I'm a failure and she's a failure because I am, and how nobody will hire anyone with dreads (she tells me they're called dreads because they're so dreadful looking) and she's so embarrassed by me that she doesn't want to be seen with me at the family memorial tea for Grandma next month, and how I've done nothing but hurt her my whole life, and how searching for my birth mother just means that she is even more of a failure with me and that my parents aren't good enough, how I'm going to end up living in a dumpster down by the old Woodwards building, and if I ever get my nose or eyebrow pierced she will never speak to me again because I'm just doing it to get attention and it makes her sick, and how she's going to always tell me just how unhappy she is with the things I do that are wrong... just to list a few...

I took all of this in, listening to her, not putting the blame on her or on me for the way she feels - denying that she's a failure, denying that I am a failure, telling her how much I love and appreciate her, how I always will. Telling her how I am happy with who I am. Happy with the world. Happy with life. It was tearful, intense and draining emotionally.

*I* know I'm a success. I know I turned out just great.

I wonder at my mother's insistance that everything is wrong all the time and how "what might happen" is something to be worried about and afraid of... how can she live like that? I have an idea of why... Probably because she just can't see any other way to be... it's too frightening to think about. Even though she is living in hell, it is a familiar hell... I've been there... it's hard to let go of the familiar, no matter how much we're suffering. It's hard to take a step towards breaking the ties that bind us to the familiar... it's so hard to let go of the reasons we use to justify staying where we are, hating life and blaming ourelves and others for our unhappiness.

I choose to be happy, now. I choose a happy life! There is no reason not to except those we make up for ourselves.

Wednesday night's pottery class went better than I remember! Perhaps it's my new dedication to getting down to perfecting the basics and my dream of really making it as a potter that has fueled this amazing improvement. I'm excited. More cylinders!

Thursday was start the dreads day! I now have nappy, temporarily waxy, dreads. It took 5 hours and a lot of Knotty Boy dread wax. I'll tell you one thing, it absolutely hurt more than getting my tattoo did. The sectioning and backcombing took the longest and was a bit sensitive, but when it came time to pull and twist the wax into the new dreads from the ROOTS to the TIPS - my sensitive scalp was screaming. It's still tender. So for now, they're waxy and soft... but I'll continue my maintenance of rubbing and twisting them whenever I get the chance, and in a few months or so, I'll have nappy-happy dreadlocks!

If anyone wants pics, I haven't taken any yet - but I could be inspired by email/irc/icq/posting in my guestbook... ;-)

So the news that floored me yesterday afternoon at around 4:20PM... My birth mother would love to meet me - and so would her whole family - they all know about my existence! I have a full sister who is 29, a half sister who is 21, 2 nieces 10 and 8 years old and a nephew 1 1/2 years old!! There is still some legal paperwork to go through on BMom's end before we can have contact, and I'm absolutely, completely, totally stunned.

I still haven't taken it all in - but I remember every detail of the conversation I had with the wonderful Nila in Family Services. I'm going to take this slowly and try to savour every detail... I don't want to rush anything and I want everyone involved to know that. And yet the other part of me is wild with wanting to up and drive to wherever they are and meet them all. The slow side wins, for now. ;-)

It's my last day of work here... and I don't know what is to come... I have my first pottery class tonight, dreads tomorrow and then the dentist on Friday.... (just to return to the mundane). ;-) I'll be dropping by work here on Monday - show off the dreads, drop off the corporate credit card... all that stuff. Wow. Bit of a let down... now that it's almost 4:00PM... Ross the boss told me a few days ago he'd get a cake today and it didn't materialize... he did come over and apologize - he says he feels bad about it - he asked me if we could do it Monday when I come in. Sure thing. I'll have my dreads, then... freak everyone out!

What a crazy, crazy life. Time to design (get help designing? *wink* *tickle*) a new web page and host it on epona.com again... Create! Create! Create!

Life is upside down and sideways and I'm loving it. The official word went out today at work - I'm leaving - won't they all miss me?! Wednesday this week will be my last day of work, that night I have my first pottery class, Thursday I have an appointment to start some knotty dreadlocks in my hair... and life goes on! I'll be back in the office for a short time on Monday - to sign some paperwork, show off my knotty new look and then mosey over to storage to see what can be sorted for donation/home/M's place. Then... I'll think about getting a job someplace. =) Home depot? Restaurants? I'll find something!

The letter I sent out to people here at work:


Hi everyone,

It is with only a slightly heavy heart that I write this. As you know, I am moving on to explore the possibility of a life outside the box. Though I never felt completely suited to the work here, I definitely enjoyed working alongside all of you and it is this aspect of leaving that tempers my joy with sadness. As cheesy as it sounds, I learned a lot during my time here - about life, about people and about myself - and I'm grateful for it. Thank you all for being part of that, I'm going take it with me as I enjoy this next adventure.

I don't have any definite plans, yet, but I do know that the future holds much more music, art and creativity and no more pager shifts. ;-)

Thanks again,

May whichever deity or belief you hold to be true give you strength and comfort.

//Heather




I was contacted the other day by Family Services... these are the people who have been searching for my birth mother for me. When I called them back, I found out that they think they've found her. I spoke with a wonderful lady named Nila who is going to be initiating the contact with her. The way it works is, they send her a letter asking her to call them - telling her only that they wish to speak with her about a person born in 1972. It is up to her whether or not she is okay with making contact with me. In the worst case, she will say "no" and I will then be able to go on from that point. Hopefully she will not say no... but if she does I am ready to deal with that possibility - I'm also ready to deal with the possibility of meeting the woman who gave me life so long ago ~ and being able to thank her for giving me life. What a life!! So many possibilities. So much to do! Fantastic!

So.... I actually did it yesterday. I told my Group Lead that I wanted to leave. I think he was really very relieved - because he didn't want to have to fire someone he likes and respects. He just feels that I'm not suited to this job. I'm cool with that. The level of stress around here has suddenly vanished for me... but so has any kind of motivation to actually WORK. ;-) I keep joking... "What are they going to do? Fire me?!" *giggle*

Anyway.. it's a slightly scary proposition, leaving one's job without having another one to go to... but in this case, I don't have any minimum expectations for a job... what I want is part time, flexible hours that'll let me bring home enough money to pay the rent, put a few hundred on the debt and eat. I'm working on reducing all extraneous expenses (hence getting rid of the cell phone) and I'm trying to live more simply.

I attended my first meeting of the Emerald Pig Theatrical Society last night - what a great bunch of people! After the brief meeting, we all did Improv for about an hour! SO MUCH FUN! I think I'm really going to enjoy working with them all... now to find a pottery studio I can work at/learn at in Maple Ridge and all will be well!

Something sad in all this wonderfulness - my Grandmother isn't long for this world. She's a strong lady... she's 93 and she's fought Cancer for a long time. My mother, I'm so proud of her, seems to have finally come to grips with the fact that her mother is going to be gone - she wants her to go and rest, in fact, and she's dealing so well with it all. I don't feel very close to my Grandma, but I do have an enormous amount of respect and love for her. I will be glad when she no longer has to suffer, and I will always have the memory of her spark and spirit and determination. I love you Mom. I love you Grandma. God Speed and go and enjoy your rest.

Just so's y'all know... I have cancelled my cell phone. I am free of the $$ per month! I am free of communications in between destinations! There are pay phones everywhere if I need them and I don't have to remember to charge them up. =) Plus... pretty much everyone else has a cell phone if I'm in dire need. ;-)

If you need my number and you don't have it, email me, icq me, contact me somehow and I'll give you the latest info.

Still haven't managed to actually put notice in at work - it's almost like I'm waiting for them to do it for me. I also don't want to lose my dental benefits just as I'm getting a night guard made. The dentist won't bill me for it until it's delivered on the 17th. Ah well. Whatever will be, will be. Que cera cera. C'est la vie.

I'll keep you all posted on the details. Honest.

So the plan... the plan. The Plan.

Part I:

Quit my current job. Get a job in Maple Ridge 4 days/week.
Pottery. Breadmaking. Candles. Soap. (my kitchen will be busy!)

Part II:

Sell my car. Buy another bike and a bike trailer. Do it all by bike!
Pottery. Breadmaking. Sewing. Knitting. Candles. Soap. (my kitchen and other places will be even more busy!)

Part III:
Craft fairs? Probably have enough stuff for it by mid-summer!

At any rate... there it is... I'll ride my bike to visit M and take Rainy in the trailer! Damn will I be fit or WHAT?! ;-) Raowr. Fit and happy.

Being on pager is not what I wanted to be doing this weekend. Being on pager interrupts all the activities I wanted to be doing. Shopping. Interrupted. Sleeping. Interrupted. Playing with the dog at the park. Interrupted. Time with M. Interrupted. Creating miraculous, oven-baked masterpieces of flour, yeast, egg and water. Interrupted.

I am Girl, Interrupted.

I'm ready, oh so ready, to quit my current job. Ready to live the bohemian lifestyle of a potter, an artist, a lover, a mother. What will the children of this bohemian mother be like? Who will they declare themselves to be? I refuse to work 5 days a week anymore. I refuse to work my job on my time off anymore. I was meant to live a life of grace, feel the rhythms of the seasons, of the weeks, the days, the hours. Peace. Passion. Tranquility. Toil. Lovely.

This past year has felt like leaping from merely dwelling in my life to really living it, bursting free from the confines of the box. From lying cold, still and dead to throbbing with warmth and creativity, completely pulsing with life! I am amazed by it all. The year began well, and even through the toughest times, I felt stronger than I ever have before in similar situations... despite what some of my entries said during those times, the strength just kept growing.

I still have moments of fear... hours of doubt and sadness creep in and fight to stay. Eventually, I repel them and they never manage to hold me for long. Weeks of sadness have been replaced by hours of melancholy... I find that those moments of doubt and fear and sadness usually come to test me, and my resolve after them is strengthened, so that the thing that caused the doubt, fear or sadness no longer has the power to do so, afterwards. I know that when I feel downtrodden, it is just a harbinger of strength to come.

Happy. Happy. Joy. Joy. Fire. Passion. Glory. Life!

Coming this January... Dreadlocks!! Check out Knotty Boy. They're going to make M and I's knotty dreams come true. =)

Oh how I hate early shifts. Filled with loathing. Full. To the brim. Ugh. Can I go home, now?

Things feel a *bit* better at work these days... though still stressful and still not fulfilling. I've finally relaxed a bit and am trying to fill the undefinable 'quota' of work for each day. We'll see how that goes... meanwhile, I plan to sign up to take the practical prerequisite for massage therapy at the West Coast College of Massage Therapy. At least that way I'll see if I have a)aptitude and b)continuing interest in persuing this as a career.

In other news... M. and I are looking for art/diamonds as an engagement present... we're pretty darn sure we want to spend the rest of our lives together - and we're working on figuring out what gift to buy for the occasion. We're learning more about each other every day... and so far we are so compatible... I think that I annoy him, sometimes - in fact I know I do.. but it's partly the way he takes things that I say to him. We'll work it out. I still think we're perfect for each other and so does he.

I've been having an internal dilemma over the diamonds/art thing. I've battled between the ideas... the 'traditional' part of me vs the real me. ;-) The real me has doubts about diamonds. Diamonds are only valuable because they are marketed in a controlled manner. To me this means there is ahuge risk, one day, of diamonds no longer being worth so much money. After all, there are enough diamonds in the world for every man, woman and child on the planet to own a number of them... it's just that some 'governing body' in Antwerp, or wherever, has a monopoly on sorting and grading and releasing them. It's a ridiculous situation if you ask me. A diamond may be "one of a kind" but nearly everyone who gets engaged gets a diamond. Commissioning a piece of artwork seems to me to be the best solution.

I think I'll ask an artist friend of mine if she'll do a comission... now the only thing M. and I have to decide on is the subject matter.

The Weekend was spent at my house, cooking, baking, and me on pager. Fun. Trying to bake my very first Genoise sponge cake from scratch while answering pager phone calls and calling people back is quite an adventure, I can tell you. The cake turned out to be quite tasty, though a bit more dense than I would like. I'll have to practice a bit more over the next while... I'm sure my roommates won't mind TOO much... as long as they don't get too fat on my efforts.

My roommates have started to call me "Martha". :-/

I've been feeling really defeated today. It has basically been decided that I am "not cut out for" my job. It's not a good "job fit" for me. They've given me a couple of "chances" to keep my issues list down and I didn't succeed in doing so. They "gave me the chance" when I didn't have a clear idea of what was expected of me yet they are judging me based on my "failure" at that time - and that is what's stuck in my gourd right now. Sure, the job fit *isn't* right.. I know that, yet they also haven't given me any clear options at this time. How am I supposed to feel any kind of motivation to 'perform' at my job when I still don't have a clear idea of the expectations they have - AND I know that they've alredy decided my fate? Nothing I do now will change it, and it ain't worth the stress.

Being under the gun and having your every move monitored at work makes for a hellish existence. The Company doesn't have a leg to stand on as far as firing me based on my performance - plus they have to give me something like 3 written warning - I've recieved one so far. But the main problem is that they haven't been able to define what is expected of me - they say it's "too difficult" to come up with a definition of what is acceptable performance for our job. Yet, somehow they say I'm below this "non-existent" expectiation... Bullshit. They just don't have the expertise in-house to be able to devlop a clear job description and list of expectations and they won't admit it or do anything to make it better. They don't even consider it a problem.

FED UP! Most of us in Service are... a ticking time bomb...

On a similar note, I find that the corporate world as I know it does not reward those who wish to become spiritually and emotionally and creatively complete. Those of us who have creative and productive lives outside of our work are considered inferior to those that dedicate themselves solely to 'the company'. At least that's how it appears to be in the corporate world that I live in. The people that believe in this pro-corporate view of the world actually look down on the people who don't subscribe to it. "You'll never get ahead" "You'll never make good money" as though those should be the ultimate goals of every member of the human race. *sigh*

How twisted it appears to me - someone on the other side of the coin for whom this job is merely a way to make money to fund my passions. Right now, however, this job is dominating my entire life leaving no time for my passions. 1.5 hours to get to work each day. 1.5 hours to get home each day. 8.5 hours AT work each day. This job eats my soul. At some point, at some time, things have got to change. Whether I get to the breaking point and cannot continue due to stress-related health concerns or they let me go because my performance deteriorates beyond any useful (yet undefineable) level, has yet to be seen.

What a negative post after so long an absence... but honestly, with all the stress over this 'work thing' for the past month, I haven't had any time that I wanted to spend on the computer after work and no time to do it during work. It just reminded me too much of the horrible state of my life... take that with a grain of salt - because the ONLY thing horrible in my life right now is work - but because it is dominating my life, it wipes out most of the joy have in the rest of my life. It is wonderful, if I could just enjoy it.

I love you, M.

So much.

You keep me sane and remind me of the promise of what life can be. Together. Thank The Powers That Be for YOU.

Gotta love that I can POST to my own blog but not READ my own blog from work. Gah. Hail the New Corporate Leaders!

My heart is about to burst with this news - and there's no one around here to TELL!

This may seem insignificant to everyone else but me - but today the Minister of Finance cashed the cheque I wrote them back in August. The cheque was payment for an active search by the Adoption Reunion Registry for my birth mother. This means that the search has begun.

My heart is racing with nerves and excitement. I wonder what the outcome will be...

Hmmm. Working on a holiday sucks... . Though it gives me money for things I couldn't otherwise do, like go see Cirque Eos last Friday with M. It was wonderful. M. really enjoyed himself, as did I. Way cheaper than Cirque du Soleil, a bit more intimate, and no less impressive and magical! They're moving the show to San Diego... so anyone in that area should check them out. Very cool.

Saturday we went to Watermania in Richmond with M.'s 9 year old neice. She's a cool kid - man she wore us (and herself eventually) out. Headed back to my place after dropping her off at her Dad's, and blessedly no roommates were present - always a nice bonus - then we stayed up late watching Happenstance - a French film wiht Audrey Tatou (actress who played Amelie). Not as magical as Amelie, but cool nontheless.

Sunday did a non-traditional Thanksgiving dinner at my parents. Scallops with mushrooms and shallots in white wine sauce over basmati rice, asparagus, fresh carrots, potato rolls and spring greens salad with balsemic vinegar dressing. Tres Yum. Except... I didn't cook the (pre frozen) scallops quite enough... and we all had urgent bathroom business after that... LOL. At least that is all that happened!

Then back to work today... meh. At least I get a real Turkey dinner tonight! Going to M.'s mom's place. Yum. Looking forward to it!

That's my haircut blog for the weekend. Enjoy.

The sun is peeking through the clouds in my soul today. Feels better. Where the heck did that storm come from, anyway? Have to start watching the Internal Weather Channel or something....

I've been trying to make myself invisible this morning. So far it's not working all that well. Working through emotional growth. Avoiding emotional growth. Wishing I could just curl up on the couch in front of a fireplace with some nice quiet music... for about a month. With nobody else home. Some days you wonder about everything you thought you were certain of. This is one of those days.

ADSL might be working better, now. We'll see if this keeps up.

I finally called Telus support tonight after not being able to resolve any websites or domains... and it seems PCAnywhere was screwing up some of my IP settings - not allowing it to renew. It's faster now than it's ever been, here, and I'm SO HAPPY. And SO TIRED.

G'nite all.


Where is everyone on IRC these days? Somebody tell me? QGirlZ? Post it? Tell me? Something... ?

Internet has been out again for the past few days... it was partially there this morning, but I only have 5 minutes in the morning to do anything. Meh. So... no updates for a while until Telus sorts out their sorry-ass lack of service.

I miss IRC. Where is everyone these days?

Understanding computers is one thing... understanding humans is another altogether. I think I'd rather spend my time learning how to understand humans than computers. Methinks I'm in the wrong line of work.

Sometimes I envy the unemployed. Like today.

Argh. I want to get paid to do what I WANT to do.

Now all I have to do is figure out what that is.

Wedding was beautiful. The day turned out sunny and bright amidst two cloudy, blustery, rainy days - though it was certainly cold! Vegas was alright, too. I don't feel much like updating since my net connect at home has been nonexistent until mid-yesterday and my first day back at work started out with me being 3.5 hours early for my 9:30 shift (Earl. You bastard.) with the IP address changed on my machine and on all others that I access, as well as my chair missing. I need another vacation... this time not in Vegas, mkay? I had fun hanging out with all who were there - and the splitting into groups of four and five made things easier at times. I wish we'd made it to the Secret Garden of Siefried and Roy (doesn't THAT sound dirty!?) maybe if I ever get out to Vegas again one day - I'll find my way to the Secret Garden.... (tee hee! dirty!).

For now... lunch is over and it's time to get back to work.

Heard an interesting protest bumper sticker from Berkeley California the other day...


"There's a terrorist behind every Bush."


Controversial? Oh yeah.

Busy days... working hard to clear things up at work so I can enjoy my vacation... getting everything ready to leave Vancouver for Edmonton and then Las Vegas... finding the perfect wedding present wrapping - which will no doubt get crushed on the plane! I need a bigger suitcase! Off to work, now.. Ali will be with Kim and Ed tomorrow! Christy and I arrive Wednesday! Whee!

Singing... "I don't wanna work.. I just want to cut glass and bake all day.... "

September 11th, 2002. One year later. I have been quiet in my reflection. The media coverage of memorials and replays of images from last September 11th are everywhere. I do not need them. I do not watch them. I won't ever forget.

Peace Be. Please.

I remembered a time from my early teenage years - trying out for the basketball team at my new Junior High School. I worked my butt off at that tryout - hoping to make the team and play sports - but when the list of players who made the first cuts came out, my name wasn't on it. I was devastated. I was upset. I was too wimpy to go and challenge it. There was another Heather who tried out the same day. She wasn't as athletic as I was, she couldn't even hit the basket with the ball and yet her name was on the list. I was heartbroken. I still thought that teachers and all others in authority were infallible and all-knowing.

I wonder how different my life would be now if I had stood up for myself then and asked "Why didn't I make the team?"

My heart is with Kim as she battles the evil Snooty Lady Clan at the Worst Bridal Shop in Calgary. I'm so glad that she and Ali are so close and that Ali was able to be with her for the past week. I don't have a 'best friend' like that - I don't think I'm the 'best friend' type... but I know a beautiful thing when I see it and it makes me happy. The wedding is soon, and it will be wonderful and fantastic and fun and then it will (seemingly of key importantance at this point) be OVER WITH! Then Vegas and delightful hedonistic debauchery, which I'm looking forward to!

Hiking was great fun on the weekend, despite the rain. Ahhhhhhh... the Great Outdoors.

Word of the day: Exquisite.

Oh yeah... www.epona.com is no more... in case you'd ever gone there and wondered what the heck was up. They finally caught on to me. We deleted everything after we downloaded it all. All clear.

I'll find some other hosting, someplace... for pictures and the like.

It's tough to rationalize feelings. Dwelling on them doesn't help. Musing and fretting and worrying about them only allows them to take over. Feelings aren't rational, at all. The only thing that I find helps me to work through them without blowing them all out of proportion is to write about them. Morning Pages especially help me - but blogging can help almost as much.

What I'm feeling today is incompetent at my job. I'm not. I KNOW I'm not... but when it gets busy - I just don't feel as confident in my abilities as I should.

I have other feelings in the mix today, too. I'm wearing my favourite pair of pants. They are nearly too small for me. In fact they ARE too small for me. I don't like how that makes me feel. I know I'm going to do something about it, but I'm doubting that it will succeed even before I've tried. I know I am capable. I've done it before. I just have to exercise and eat right. 2 bagels a day with light cream cheese plus fruits and veggies, salmon and soy and I should be good to go. I just have to eat smaller portions. Cut the sugar and processed or fast foods -- add exercise 5 or 6 days a week and I'll shrink. I can DO this. I just have my doubts. I feel like I'm just going to keep growing instead of either staying the same or shrinking. Shrinking is what I want.

Do I join a gym just to pay them and not go? I ask myself these questions without an answer in my head, then I work through them here and find the answers. What if I reward myself with a gym membership if I can get up and go for a brisk walk/jog every morning for a month? I can take Rainy, she'd like that. When the weather starts to turn, I'll join the gym - and by then I'll probably have cancelled my cell phone - the cost of which will pay for the gym. I'm planning to cancel it, but there are some messages from M. on there that I want to save - so first I have to figure out a way to do that! ;-) I'm such a goof.

Back to work.

Following my train of thought is like following a thousand bumblebees all going in a different direction at once.

Alive and well.... well... almost well. I've been getting sick WAY too often since starting to drive from Maple Ridge every day to work... maybe it's work, maybe it's the car and it's leaky, fumey way.... maybe it's not getting enough rest, enough healthy food, enough exercise. Maybe it's all of the above. These things will all change. Slowly. I'm going to get a gym membership. In order to get the gym membership, I'm going to cancel my cell phone. I don't use it. Well... I would if my plan covered any USEFUL hours. I paid over $95 last month because I used it OUTSIDE the "included" time for my plan. My old plan rocked. I never went "outside the lines". The new plan they stuck me with sucks wide open ass. No free anytime minutes. Free weekday evenings and free weekends.. but they don't start till 7pm (I'm already home) and they end before 7am (I'm just waking up). So... I think I'll just give people my work number and my home number and let the messages roll in. I can check my work messages from anywhere, which rocks. My home messages, I don't know the number to call or the password for it. Hmm.. Have to remedy that.

That'll pay for my fitness club membership, and working the 9:30 to 6 shift as much as possible will mean I can go before work - if I work at 6am I'll go after work. If I work inbetween shifts, I'll probably go after work, too. Have to find a gym with incredible hours. Have to go 5-6 days/week. Have to eat better. WILL eat better. Have to find my new running shoes... where the heck did they go?!?

The trip to the Kootenays with M. and M's Mum was awesome. A great break despite getting yet another dizzy spell and sore throat and other bacteria-induced goodness. We went to Peachland and then on to Lemon Creek (sleeping in Bonnington at a friend of their family's home) and travelling to Lemon Creek one of the days to clean up and document the damages done by their previous tenant. Hard work and disheartening for M's Mum... but hopefully she'll figure out what to do with the property from here. Peachland (and a home of another friend of the family) was our stop the next day as well -- and there we had a whole day where we didn't have to go anywhere or do anything. We went to SummerHill Winery (the one with the Pyramid in Kelowna) and then drove a back road up by chute lake and then down around the bottom of the valley to return to their wonderful view property for a delicious BBQ of steak and chicken with fresh veggies from the garden. Yum. Later on that evening after dinner M and I went for a LONG walk. It wasn't planned as such, but I tell you.... a walk like that every day and I'd be fitter than Janet Jackson. Okay, maybe not that fit, but I would be able to eat anything at all that I wanted and not gain an ounce. It's quite a climb from Okanagan Lake to their sweeping view property. Quite a climb. Ow. Travelled home over the back road from Peachland to Princeton - fun and windy and twisty and gravel. I felt like I was in a rally! M. even let me drive for much of it - even though I could see the HUGE grin on his face the whole time he was driving. Love you, M. Tons.

I'm tired today, but looking forward to just two weeks from now when I head out to Edmonton to be a witness and a wedding party member at the marriage of my two dear friends Kim and Ed. They rock so hard it hurts - and I get to be part of it. I know there have been times where Kim wondered why she asked me to be in it - but if she can just feel one iota of the love in my heart for them, she'll remember why... even when I'm at my most trying. Celebrating with them is going to be one of two highlights in a very turbulent year for me. The other being meeting my soul mate. I'll miss M. but I'll be able to call him at work and give him remote love from Edmonton and Vegas. Wish you could come with me, babe!

So... like.. yeah... and stuff...

Whee. I have my dress, I have my wedding gift (well first of two - the first, I bought, the second I'm waiting until my skill level improves at Stained Glass before attempting.... I want it to be worth hanging in the window!) Plus, it'd be better to give it to Kim and Ed when they MOVE OUT HERE in case of breakage during the journey/shipping of said gift to Alberta and back to BC when they MOVE OUT HERE. ;-)

And on to the coming weekend. I have Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday AND Tuesday off. I'm going to go with M and his Mum to the Kootenays, once more! It will be a fairly relaxed trip in a rental car - so we will actually have a stereo - possibly even a CD player. I'll have to ask M. tonight and maybe bring a couple of CDs with me on the trip if we do. Wow. Music on a Road Trip. What a concept!?! Heh.. it's only stunning to me because our last trip out there was in The Beast. The Beast has only an AM radio. There's not much AM radio out there... and what there is is only available for a limited time while quantities last. Drive by the sign that posts the radio frequency and you're nearly out of range, already. It's pretty much not worth turning the radio on.

Perhaps I'll invest in a CD player for my car... one that I can transfer to a NEW car when I get it --- and then reinstall the original radio into The Beast when it moves on in the world.

Whew... time to go home already! Whee!

A Story: I didn't do my Morning Pages for 3 days. I started to freak out about Life, The Universe and Everything. I did one page out of three this morning (so far) and suddenly things don't seem NEARLY so bad.

The Moral: Morning Pages are my brain's very best friend.

In other news:

Yes.. the "new beau meeting the parents weekend extraveganza" happened on Saturday.. amidst the 65th birthday party for my Aunt and my mother meddling in the cousin to cousin mini-fued that my brother and cousin are embroiled in. Neither of them asked for her help. Of course. Mom says "He's fine" when I ask what she thought of Matthew. Course, she's embarassed that she got overly tipsy in the hot tub and could barely walk afterwards.. I've never seen her like that -- must have been the stress of the twenty minute confrontation she initiated with my cousin. Why? Oh why? I may never know.

Before the confrontation, my mother chatted with M. and seemed to get along well with him. My Dad, as usual, was quiet and just watching everything that was going on around him. I didn't realize that he was IN on my Mom's verbal assault on my cousin until she came back to the table and, between sips of wine, told my Dad all about it while he lent a sympathetic ear and my brother rolled his eyes at her.

I speak to her today and ask her a favour... could she look after Rainy... from the get-go I fear the tone of her voice when I call. She sounds tight and wound up. Unhappy about something - but what? She tells me about the stomach troulbes she's been having for the last 2 months and how she's got to go in for nasty tests this week - and blames her strange state on that... I'm probably reading way too much into this,in fact I know I am. She's agreed to look after the puppy if I make sure that the groomer can take care of her in the morning rather than the afternoon. I should relax. I know she'll come around eventually... wish I could just not have everything I do in my life that she doesn't approve of be a huge stress point between us. I guess that's mostly up to her, though, when it comes down to it.


And I wonder, at times, why I'm so fucked up?

Strange that the full moon is when I start to bleed. I've been off the hormone control pills since March... and it's shifted around slowly each month. I mark it on the calendar to track it and today I noticed that it is actually a full moon. I wonder if it will stabilize there or if my cycle has shortened... as it has been moving back a few days each month. We shall see! It's an adventure... and this month's adventure involves cramping and headaches. I wondered why I had a headache that wouldn't quit this morning... and now I know. Thank goodness for the ease of the keeper. (Thanks Christy for putting me on to it, I love it!) I never have to wonder if I have enough "supplies" to last me through the month.. or if I've remembered to re-stock my purse. I just put the keeper in my purse when I'm done for the month and it's ready whenever I need it. The only unfortunate thing is that I can't help anybody else out if they've gotten caught by surprise without any supplies.

Ugh. Bleeding. Headache. Cramps. I love being a woman. Despite all that.

Took the course... passed the course! Boy... that sure sounds a lot easier than it was! It wasn't difficult, so much as a whole lot of information to assimilate in a short period of time. Long days... but worth it. Glad I took the course, don't know that I'll ever use it, but if I need it - I have it.

Hmm.. in other news... I don't feel much like posting these days. I get all my ranting and figuring of things out done in the morning writing something called "Morning pages". Morning pages are a tool from the book The Artist's Way by Juila Cameron. What you do is write 3 long hand pages every morning. No more, no less. They don't have to be about anything... you just have to DO them. Occasionally mine are just gibberish, but sometimes some really deep things come out that I've been fretting about and didn't know how badly they were affecting me. I ask my Morning Pages questions... and the answers come, eventually. It's even more cathartic than writing in my blog has been for me. That's saying a lot.

Thing is... it doesn't leave much to rant or rave or write about here at the end of the day. That may change as I proceed along the path of The Artist's Way.

Trying to cut some glass tonight... but so far I've been distracted by the television AND by my computer.. and by the fact that I have no tape to tape my pattern together with. I can solve that problem tomorrow at work -- but for now, I promised myself some glass cutting -- so I think I'll just have to find a smaller pattern and cut something for that!! It'll give me some practice before starting the bigger project I'm working on.

At any rate... I'm off to do that, now.

I'll try to update from time to time about how the journey to creativity is going...

Finally going to take that Wilderness First Aid course this weekend... the one that I got strep throat for last month and had to miss... (only I didn't know it was strepp throat until the Tuesday AFTER the weekend).. Eep!

So I probably will be online even LESS than I am, now.

Reading about QuakeCon makes me want to be there, too... I even played some Single Player Q3 yesterday... was fun.. but OSP messes up my SP action. Have to figure out how to move it out of the way when I want to play SP.

Anyway.... must get gear organized for tomorrow and figure out how to get where I'm going. Early start. 8am... 45 minute drive away. Ick. Leaving earlier than I did for work this week. Hah!

Have to get back into good habits. Bad ones have taken over for too long. The more organized I am, the better my life will be. I started getting more organized today at work and it continued all the way home with me. Now... If I can just organize myself into getting some exercise and eating right. I've been far too lazy for far too long. The bit of extra weight I'm carrying is getting me down. I don't like how I look in pictures these days... I feel like I'm letting myself go... and I don't know where it will end. Time to nip it in the bud NOW before I let it slide. Motivate. Motivate. Motivate. RAH! Can anyone tell me how to eat? I suck at menu planning for weight loss. I rock at menu planning for pure unadulterated enjoyment of FOOD. I love food WAY too much and I loathe exercise for exercise's sake. Bad combination.

Next year at this time I will be living close enough to work to once again bike there every day. At least, that's the plan. Up to an hour ride each way I'm willing to put in - though 20 minutes each way would be ideal. That gives me loads of places I can potentially live. I want to live in a house, that's for sure... no more apartments for this girl and her dog.

There will be no more bruise pics for a while... the place where I've had my grandfathered free 'staff' web site on the corporate web server has changed my login password for ftp. I'm begging for a few days extension and a few days notice!!! I need to pull everything back down OFF of there. I figured the free super fast virtual domain hosting site was too good to last long.... but it lasted for about five years!

Stream of consciousness blogging.. oh yes, indeed.

New bruise pics here.

I Am A: Chaotic Good Elf Mage Ranger


Alignment:
Chaotic Good characters are independent types with a strong belief in the value of goodness. They have little use for governments and other forces of order, and will generally do their own things, without heed to such groups.


Race:
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.


Primary Class:
Mages harness the magical energies for their own use. Spells, spell books, and long hours in the library are their loves. While often not physically strong, their mental talents can make up for this.


Secondary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.


Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

Only had one page this weekend so far... and the weekend is nearly over. That one was an easy one... here's hoping that's it for the shfit.

Very relaxing weekend, yet active. M. and I finally found Sipa Sipa footbags (hacky sacks). We looked for them all over Nelson. We looked for them all over Calgary. We called around Vancouver. Where, oh where were we going to find one?? Guess where M. works? MEC. Guess where we found Sipa Sipa footbags? MEC Yeah... we were laughing, too. Now to get good at this hacking stuff... could take some time!

Played softball tonight. We were warming up and I was playing 3rd base... I took a line drive to the left thigh. Ow. Ow. Ow. It's going to be a beautiful bruise... I'll take day by day pictures of it and try to show them to you... the pics from the night are here.There is one of my thigh right at the end... it's changing colours rapidly, though. That one .AVI was because I forgot I had the camera on "movie" so... I did get the home run... but a lot of shots of the ground, too. =)

Time for sleep.

Time cannot go quickly enough while I'm at work. It's just DRAGGING today.

Maybe if I actually try to do some work it'll speed the day along until 3:30 when I can leave to pick up M. So far no takers on pager. I'll just say "fuck it" and sleep in next week if I get paged -- it's Ross's fault for scheduling me at 6am!! I NEED MY REST!

So... the business of life continues and the mental/emotional/spiritual? revelations materialize and solidify in my consciousness and cease to slide in and out. These things become more concrete day by day... talking about them helps -- had a great long talk with George tonight. Hope I helped him. =) He rocks.

Going to have a fairly relaxing weekend.. as long as I can get rid of pager.. ;-) Hopefully I can... because really the money isn't nearly as important as my health... which hasn't been so uber stable lately. For one thing, I'm gaining weight (my own non-diet-conscious non-exercising fault) but this lack of exercise and poor diet are weakening my immune system... add to that an unhealthy desire to stay up to all hours of the morning spending time with M. and you have a recipe for health disaster. I'm spending more time at home this week (and this weekend) and next week my bro is away so I'm obliged to come home and let my doggie out right after work as well as feed his cat. Sadie is cute as a bug. as the plans to head to Seattle have temporarily fallen through. I'll watch my new LoTR DVD with M (who hasn't seen it yet?!?!!), spend time with him here, go for a hike, build closet shelves and hopefully play some softball. =) But not do much else.

At any rate... I'm sleepy. It's time for bed.

George. Remember, you ROCK! Don't ever let anyone else make you feel like you don't!

Kimli makes me smile and laugh. Loudly. With snorting. It's no wonder I can't read her at work!

I love M.

Had a fantastic vacation. I want to move to Kaslo.

Problem is, I'm already feeling overwhelmed by work and the general hectic-ness of life. It's been 2 days since my vacation. So... I've decided to simplify. The first step will be cancelling all credit cards but one. I have yet to decide which one gets to stay a part of my life... but I WILL cancel all the rest. Step two: Cancelling all "rewards programs" cards and "club cards". Of course, I'll get some free goods from them with my points, first... ;-) But after that... I don't want my spending habits to be tracked anymore or have to dig through 250,000 cards in my wallet to get 40 cents back and 10 points. Forget it.

I want to move to part time work. I suppose that I can... but I have to decide whether or not it's in my best interests to do so. My health would likely be better, my emotional state, my standard of living... but working full time will get money for my dreams faster... I will start with the first two things and see what happens. I love my job... but only for 8 hours a day.. when it goes overtime like it did today -- it's the suck. I don't get paid any extra for staying... so why did I? Especially when it stressed me out so much. The good thing is, I made it through the stress without breaking down... it was close -- but the 1.5 hour drive home gave me tons of time to ponder life, the universe and everything. Seeing a car flipped upside down with fire-fighters working to free the people inside kind of put things in perspective a bit, too.

Simplify.

Well, it is sadly already time to leave Calgary... Yesterday was busy. M. and I went and found a BMX tire for his bike - then we found our way to the Calgary Zoo - really an amazing experience and worth the price of admission.... then we visited the Calgary office of MEC (where M. works in Vancouver) and to top it all off Kim and Ed and M. andI had Thai food at the place where everyone celebrated Ali's birthday... it was fantastic. =) There were at least 3 other birthday celebrations going on there when we were there this time, too. We then went for Ice Cream at Phillips... and though I love Green tea ice cream... this one was a kind that they add the leaves to... that always kind of weirds me out... but it was good in spite of it. M. had one scoop of Khalua and one of Pralines and (insert some other kind of nut that I forget the name of here). He really seemed to enjoy it. ;-) Kim is hotter than ever and Ed is pretty cute, too. He gives good hugs, does my bro. Need more of those when they move to the lower mainland next year.

I wish M. could come to Las Vegas with us... I will be the only chick without my mate... but $$$ always conspires against us. Dunno if he'll be able to swing it. Likely not. Poo.

Wow, I had forgotten what a room at jome with multiple computers in it could sound like! HUMMMMMMMMM...

Are my thoughts disjointed? Perhaps. It's only because I have to leave Calgary soon. Heading for the glories of Banff will ease the pain, though only a little bit.

Illuminares was great fun, but this week (so far) travelling to the Kootenays has been even more fun. I'll update more from home.. probably.. if my brother ever stops downloading songs from the net! Heck, I can update while he downloads, so I will. Pictures and everything. Right now I am at the lovely and delectable Kim's and the silly and brother-like Ed's apartment in Calgary! We drove all the way here in the Old Beast (car that my grandparents bought new, my mom then owned and gifted to me) with a stop in the Slocan Valley and Nelson. I'm in love with Nelson... one day maybe I'll move there... if I can find a job there that I'd love to do. More details will follow but I want to go eat Thai food with everyone, now. HUNGRY.

Tonight M. and I are going to venture down to the Illuminares Festival. I've wanted to go to this thing for years, and always managed to forget each year until hearing about how magical it was a few days after the fact! NOT THIS YEAR! I don't have a lantern, but I have a magical dress and a glow stick. Next year I will create a fabulous lantern for it... maybe I will create many fabulous lanterns and figure out a performance! We'll see... magical night.. here I come... take me away to a place I've never been before...

I think I'll go vaccuum and wash the car and then finish putting things away in my room.

So I'm home tonight. I just felt awful this morning but managed to struggle through the day... it kind of looks bad when you take a sunny Friday off just before you take vacation. ;-) Plus.. I had stuff to do at work.

So... the past few weeks in a nutshell:

After the McKesson/ALI Acquisition BBQ and Celebration at UBC's Museum of Anthropology I was supposed to go to the weekend outdoor portion of a St. John Ambulance Wilderness First Aid course... but I had a monster sore throat, so I rescheduled for August. I spent the weekend curled up in M.'s bed while he made me tea and brought me cold medication... all the while with me protesting "I should go home, I'm going to make *you* sick." What did the greatest guy in the world say in return? Something wonderful along the lines of... "No, cuz then you'd be all alone and we're going to make each other sick sooner or later, anyway. You're staying." Can I say melt? Oh yes, indeed. The "cold that never manifested" turned out to be a nasty case of strepp throat, which I realized on Tuesday morning at about 1:30am. The pain started on the previous Thursday night.. but me thinking it was just a cold coming on... didn't go to the doctor until I couldn't swallow or sleep for the pain at 1:30 in the morning. Resourceful me, I found the phone book and discovered that we have a local hospital with an emergency room. They gave me pain drugs (that didn't really work, but the fact that I had started to take care of the problem helped me sleep) and antibiotics and a prescription for more.... My throat is a bit sore again... because I didn't *quite* finish the antibiotics. I hope I didn't mess myself up big time. I'm finishing them off again. All the bloody way this time.

Last weekend's Wilderness Survival Course:

This was a hoot, except I think the antibiotics made me a bit ill... because both days I felt nauseous and light headed during and after hiking. We learned what we should bring on a day hike in case we are stuck out overnight and we learned to improvise what we didn't bring... where to find/make/set up shelter, getting water, saving food, etc.. We set up tarps in all sorts of different ways. The weather was perfect, unfortunately..... we would have learned even more had it been nasty out. This did afford a gorgeous view of the nearly full moon and stars from a ridge near where we stopped. I saw two shooting stars and tons of sattelites lying on my back on the spongy dry moss. Fantastic. Magical. Wish M. had been there to share it with me. Slept pretty darn well in my tarp shelter, too.

Coming up:

The bike tour of the Gulf Islands that became a road trip to Calgary via Nelson, BC. A road trip because I haven't got enough recent mileage on my bike to be able to ride far every day and enjoy it and because I want to see Kim and Ed. Nelson because my birth mom lived there when I was born and because M. grew up near there until he was about 12 or so... We are going to stay just a few minute's walk from their property. We'll explore the Slocan Valley a bit maybe a day and a half's worth... and then drive over the Rockies to Calgary to see delicious and juicy Kim! She, as you know if you read her blog (which you should because it's infinitely more entertaining than mine and I link it to the right over there.... --> ) is getting married in September and all of her bridesmaids live miles away. I'm the closest and I'm on the west coast of B.C.! I figured it would be awesome to see she and Ed before the hustle and bustle of wedding week and I want to introduce M. to everyone!

But time for bed. I'm tired and still sick. I want to be healthy for the trip!

Congratulations to Laura and Jeff!! They had a beautiful baby boy on July the 5th!! Welcome to the world Zachary Liam! I'm sure you will amaze us all. So beautiful!

I have ADSL! But I'm not home for the next few days... ;-) 700 pieces of junk mail later....

ADSL still not quite there... hence the lack of updates.

One thing I would like to re-iterate... and that is that the SMOKER that sits beside me SUCKS! I love it when he goes outside for a smoke and then comes back in right after he's finished his last PUFF of smelly cigarette... and sits down to let the foul aroma of burnt cigarette smoke waft over me like a cancerous wave. Just love it.

I tell him about it, too. "You stink". I mumble "stinky boy" to myself (loudly enough that he can hear me). He's such an ass. Ah well... one day I won't have to put up with him.. maybe we'll move groups around sooner rather than later and I won't have to sit beside stinky cancer stick boy any more. Wouldn't that be loverly. Oh yes, it would.

Oops forgot to publish that last bit when I wrote it... More details on the Wilderness First Aid Weekend That Was Not and Other Exciting Tales will follow....


I get ADSL tomorrow. I hope.