So this morning I'm not sure what is going on. Last night I made dinner, lemon squares and then finished the Elderberry Jelly. When I asked Matthew to help me with the dishes he was very mad at me for doing too much. But not for my sake, more for his sake. "I need time to relax when I get home, instead there's always a created mess". I asked him about what it would be like if he lived on his own, "Well, my mess would be all of my own creation and I could clean it up and it would stay clean as long as I kept it that way". He said that he doesn't appreciate what I do nor think that it's necessary at all. I was very hurt by this and told him so. He said that he didn't know what to say to that. I fumed and thought and wondered and cried a bit and then had a bath. I was still mad when he asked me through the door, "Can I ask you what you're thinking?" I said, "I'm thinking about how much I hate you right now" He left the house and went and sat outside in his new car shelter. When I went to talk to him I apologized for saying that I hated him, cuz I don't. I told him I was just very upset at the time. He said it didn't matter. He then told me that he has basically given up on our marriage. He can see where he will be in 5 years, but he can't see where I'm headed. This seems funny to me since he's changed careers a few times over the last three years and I have been constant to one. He wants things to be different than they are ALL the TIME. He's never satisfied with the way life is. Maybe he's right and our marriage is over. Whatever that means, I will have to live with it. I wonder where his head is at this morning?

Me, I'm stil married, and trying, despite what he said about neither of us being willing to try. I wonder what is really at the root of last night? I am getting a bit tired trying to figure it all out, but marriage is work. LIFE is work, but just CHOOSE to take joy in the work and it changes how you feel about it. At least it did for me... *sigh*