How do you feel when you have a couple of web journals and your Mom reads one but not the other because you haven't let her know that the other one exists? Because if she read the other, she'd disown you? Hell, she gets mad enough at you for stuff you say in the one she DOES read... Arargh. Hi, I'm 32 and I'm not supposed to feel this way anymore. Nice to meet you.

I wonder if the feeling ever goes away while your parents are still alive. I wonder if I'm supposed to put a question mark after that sentence. Or that one. (ad infinitum) I'm thinking that I'm not supposed to because the noun in the sentence is performing the verb"wonder". It's a statement of wonder.

OOoo! I like that phrase, alot. "A statement of wonder".

Welcome to my extreme tangent blog.

Still... it's a dilemma. How can I feel fully expressed when I'm not? I'm repressed... but then again, who isn't? Marilyn Manson, probably... What would my parents think if I were making a living the way he is? Expressing myself fully? Is that who celebrities are to us? Are they people who express themselves fully? What would my parents think about me writing even this small drop of my internal struggle and posting it for "anyone to see"?

Is this how it is to be in the world? I'm not saying that we shouldn't have a private life and a public life... there are some things that I would probably not express to anyone. But what about those things deemed "inappropriate" by my parents? What about the things that I want to share but don't because of how I imagine they would judge me? Why can't I let my parents know the me that everyone else knows?

And why do my mom's conversations about nothing bother me SO. VERY. MUCH???!?! Is it because I feel that they are not important enough to listen to because I'm not important enough to them to be "who I am" with them and not have them leave me? Or am I just maladjusted and unable to accept the "fact" that we do have to live our lives as different people. Everyone we interact with has a different experience of who we are because thier perception of us is unique to them... nobody has the same experience and memories of us that anyone else has.

BUT

Does this mean that I should be consiously and unconsciously trying to live up to the expectation of who I am that I perceive every other person has of me? Should I play into those molds? This is what we humans seem to do with each other. Find a place where we 'fit' and stay right there. I think we need it as people, but I don't know if the instinct doesn't just rear up it's head and some of the most inappropriate times, causing us undue feelings of distress and worry about the state and workings of our relationships and the discovery of Who We Are.

Intense intimate explorations of my soul or wild flailings of a drugged mind?