Back from holidays and recovering from visiting the family all over the place in the Lower Mainland. I've ridden to get the mail twice this week... Maya not so sure about me being the boss all the time, though she's getting more accepting - especially since I stick to it and don't give up. I think she must have had her way most of the time in previous relationships with humans. She did with me, at first! Now I mostly get my way with a few small lapses.

I'm reading "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus." From my side of things it's surprisingly accurate. Matthew says he wants to read it, too... but he hasn't started, yet. :-/ I'm trying to apply some of the things that I've learned, and not too surprisingly, it seems to work.

Things are strange in website land.... epona.com is down - and so is binarywisdom.net - Leanne? Adam? What does this mean? I'd best email those two and find out if they're okay. /me crosses everything she has for luck.

My lower back is truly bothering me today, probably from riding yesterday and then doing yoga when I haven't done any serious yoga in a while. I don't usually have lower back pain, mid back, yes...but not lower. So today I just went and hung out in the paddock with the girls - no ride with a sore back. Matthew put a chinese medicine patch on it for me - hopefully it gets better with some rest and gentle stretching.

Meh. Boring entry. I've been feeling strangely ill lately because our schedule is all messed up and I don't eat/drink regularly. When I get dehydrated I start to feel ill - then I don't want to have anything to drink, even though I know that when I do I will feel better. I do drink water at these times, even though ingesting anything is about the last thing that I want to do.

No. I'm not pregnant. Just dehydrated!

Missed seeing Kim and Ed in Vancouverland over the past week... no answer on the phone! Evil phone! Ah well... *hugs* to them anyway! We WILL hook up at some point. Having no access to internet while I was in most places in Van made it hard to get in touch with them.

Off I go to move the dishwasher and watch Parelli DVDs. w00t!

A crazy few days in a good way. Lots of working on the place, getting my shelves set up in the studio room, cleaning, the never-ending cleaning.... *sigh* and the Christmas baking. I'm almost all done with that --- doing butter tarts today and then I can call it finished! That is, unless I decide to also make some more ginger snaps, which I more than likely will. Heh.

I feel better - my neighbour is going to feed and look after water, we got hay in 2 days ago - four tons of it which I personally loaded into the hay storage shed while the boys shuttled loads from our neighbour's house where we had unloaded it earlier (cuz our place is just too damned difficult to get in to with a loaded trailer of hay.

Hopefully all will go well while we're away - it should do.

Had an absolute blast at the Corb Lund show last night. Soooooo much fun. I wish we didn't have to leave home to hit the coast for Christmas but we do and I know we'll have fun, hopefully we'll be able to hook up with some friends this time, too... *sigh* Maybe extend a day? Dunno. At any rate, we're leaving tomorow and I still have so much to do.

Things are still going better with Matthew and I - you know the old saying "communication and compromise makes a good marraige"? Well maybe it's not an old saying, but damn it's true. You hear those things and hear them but when they finally sink in it's a major Blinding Flash of the Obvious. I now know that I need to be very clear in what my needs are and when I can do that - Matthew will come through for me and I fall deeper and deeper in love with him. I think he even notices the difference in us when he's making that effort.

Another BFO: I like to be coaxed and drawn out of my grumpy introversions and he likes to be left alone - that's why he leaves high and dry be and I pester and annoy him. Cool to know that, now I can be more of what he needs me to be more of the time. Very cool.

Welp... time to get cracking on this last day at home before the long drive to the coast. *yawn* but maybe I'll have a little nap, first.

A good day following a few good days. Continuing to do my morning pages has eased the stranglehold that my worries had on me. Talking to Matthew helped a lot, too... he has been trying so hard and doing all the right things. I am so in love with the man again. Isn't it fascinating how a few days and a few actions can change *everything*?

I want to make babies with this man. It's been a long time since I felt that way!

*whee!*

So today I rediscovered that morning pages, playing with horses, and talking to my husband are all good things for me to do to get out of the rut that I was in. It didn't look like the day was going to start off well at all... I woke up at 6am and couldn't get another man out of my head. BAd news. Obsessive news. So I finally got up at 7 and started writing morning pages. Morning pages good. Deciding to play with horses GOODER! Went to Carolyn's and played with her horse and with Titan. fun stuff. It's more fun for me to play with my horses now, though... cuz I know what we're working on. I have no clue where they're at so it makes it more difficult to be provocative and challenging enough vs. friendly enough etc. Have to learn to read the horse MORE!

I digress...

Things aren't as dire as I last wrote, but they can shift at any moment... How will we get through this? Will we get through it? Who knows?! I'll try to enjoy the ride. Honestly.

Meeting with Community Futures tomorrow... then hopefully a signing the day afterwards. OMG. I FRICKIN' HOPE SO!@!!#&!#)_!&@# Keep all your bits crossed for me.

Apologies for the previous two days worth of drama.

UP down up down up. DOWN~! On the fascinating rollercoaster of life. F*CK!!! You don't think I'm worth it. FUck you and the fucking slimy camel toad you rode in on. I AM FUCKING WORTH IT ASSHOLE@! Just. Fucking. TRY!!!!!!

I hate my life at this moment. Strangely enough, just hours ago it was okay... but mere hours before that it was not. Fuck off with the roller coaster already.

Maybe I should just be single. Wouldn't that be fun? Is that why I'm not? Fear? Maybe. That's the payoff for staying in this relationship, I don't have to deal with the fear.

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting a different result.

Depression sets in. Apathy. My house has never been messier and I barely care. I don't care enough to do anything about it, anyway. When I'm in a relationship and I'm not feeling loved and appreciated, I just don't care about anything. It's called "not having my needs met". But is there anyone in the world who *could* meet them? Am I asking too much? *heartbreak* *heartache* They're barely there. I block them out so successfully most of the time that I don't feel anything at all. When I do start to feel them again, it's for a fitful moment or two of tears, sobs wrack my body and then I suck it back down and block it. It'll blow one day. It'll blow but good.

The worst part is that i realize that i have to get to this state for him to even notice that something is wrong. I tell him my needs but he does not want to provide them. Not even a little. I think it's because I challenge him too much. His self esteem isn't enough to bear up under me wanting more or something different from him. It makes him wrong. It's always about how I make him wrong. I don't want him to be wrong, that's why I'm trying to show him what I need, but it doesn't seem to get through in a positive way.

Why even bother thinking about it. Writing about it. It's just going to happen again, isn't it. Not a question. Statement. End of sentence. End of blog entry.

Things got better the next morning, as I thought they might, but it's getting harder and harder for me to feel like I'm loved. And I can't have sex with someone who I think doesn't love me, or make any effort to give me what *I* need. I'm trying my pants off, but it feels like he's punishing me or holding out on me, or just plain being selfish most of the time. No help with dishes... or cleaning up the house, his self-chosen duty of firewood doesn't get done... and I get berated for "doing too much" but if I mess up with something and don't let him know he gets cold with me. I just don't know what to think. I feel like I have a child and I don't WANT him as my child because that's just not sexy AT FUCKING ALL. *sigh*

I feel like he wants a 'dutiful wife' who will sleep with him, cook and clean for him AND go out and make more money than he does. I'm not that. I don't ever want to be that. I want to be a partner who is cared for and cares back. Nurture ME GODDAMMIT.

I'm frustrated and just can't figure this out on my own.

So this morning I'm not sure what is going on. Last night I made dinner, lemon squares and then finished the Elderberry Jelly. When I asked Matthew to help me with the dishes he was very mad at me for doing too much. But not for my sake, more for his sake. "I need time to relax when I get home, instead there's always a created mess". I asked him about what it would be like if he lived on his own, "Well, my mess would be all of my own creation and I could clean it up and it would stay clean as long as I kept it that way". He said that he doesn't appreciate what I do nor think that it's necessary at all. I was very hurt by this and told him so. He said that he didn't know what to say to that. I fumed and thought and wondered and cried a bit and then had a bath. I was still mad when he asked me through the door, "Can I ask you what you're thinking?" I said, "I'm thinking about how much I hate you right now" He left the house and went and sat outside in his new car shelter. When I went to talk to him I apologized for saying that I hated him, cuz I don't. I told him I was just very upset at the time. He said it didn't matter. He then told me that he has basically given up on our marriage. He can see where he will be in 5 years, but he can't see where I'm headed. This seems funny to me since he's changed careers a few times over the last three years and I have been constant to one. He wants things to be different than they are ALL the TIME. He's never satisfied with the way life is. Maybe he's right and our marriage is over. Whatever that means, I will have to live with it. I wonder where his head is at this morning?

Me, I'm stil married, and trying, despite what he said about neither of us being willing to try. I wonder what is really at the root of last night? I am getting a bit tired trying to figure it all out, but marriage is work. LIFE is work, but just CHOOSE to take joy in the work and it changes how you feel about it. At least it did for me... *sigh*

Tried enabling comments instead of the guestbook... did it work?

Working today on my business plan and website. Nothing new posted yet.. it's still in development ferchrissakes. It was hard to get back into html after years away from it. :-/ I don't WANT to back into it... that's probably why it was so difficult... but it's coming back to me (dammit) so at least I can save myself some money by doing it myself (yay?).

Wish I'd gone riding instead, but at least I did yesterday.... Maya my horse! Welp. I should get out of my pjs cuz I've been working in them all day! The glories of working from home, eh?


woot.

If anyone's still reading after all this time, drop me a line. I'd love to know.

Been home now since mid-August and I've mainly been playing with horses and working on our relationship issues. (not to mention causing a few more along the way!) We'll get through it. One way or the other, though I want desperately to be strong and stay together. Who knows if I can change my view of marriage from one of "one foot out the door" to "all in all the time"? I'm working on it. I think it's key.

Aside from the relationship issues that wax and wane, I've been playing with and riding my horse Maya. We're learning more and more about Parelli toether from our instructor. I'm so lucky to have her in the area and have her willing to let me work for clinic/study group participation. So far I'm getting the better end of the deal, but I have a few ideas of how to even things up and pay her back for all of the knowledge and help she's provided.

This month is dedicated to beginning Start Smart - a local Community Futures program that has me writing my business plan in 7 weeks with support, business courses and action plans. All things I need to motivate me. Though here I am sitting at my computer and not working on that!! It officially begins tomorrow, so that's my excuse. Pottery business, hopefully, here I come. I wonder what I will have to change in my way of thinking about this to get it done? We'll see.

Still... time to get off my butt and head to town - or is it? I think the chickens can wait until Monday for food. Then Matthew and I can go shopping together.

Too haircut for ya? Well... I do need one.

What a long summer job. Only a few more weeks to go and I've alrady survived hell... so it shouldn't be TOO bad. Then I can say "I've done it!" and go home to EI, a loving husband, building a pottery business and a new horse, and never have to do this again! What an adventure this summer has been. I now know that I can work for 16 hours a day (or more) on 5 or 6 hours of sleep per night. Amazing. I think planting, though physically and mentally challenging, might be a bit better of a job than mine was this summmer. But maybe not. I hope I can just make a go of pottery and not have to work outside jobs for a while, but we shall see, won't we?

Anyway... time to run laundry to do on these precious days off.

I leave on Friday, that's five days from now. In between now and then, I will speak on behalf of the third year Grads at the Kootenay Gallery Springboard Opening on Thursday night, attend a couple of pot lucks, sand, price and display my work for the year end show at the school and get my horses' feet trimmed... not to mention buying a few more necessary things for the trip, putting a canopy on my truck (which is running MUCH better thanks to the timing and carb work of my friend Dan!) and calling Tracy and then packing for the trip!!!

I'm confident in the truck, now. Really it just leaks a few fluids here and there, and those I can top up as necessary. Replaced the two frayed looking alternator belts today and I feel good about the trip... damn but I'll miss my horses, my home and my friends... hopefully I'll even miss my husband.

Well... I did what I said I should do and said "NO MORE!", and yet my heart still breaks. I think it will break for a while. I need it to break, to stay strong. How strange that is. I'm scared that I won't be strong... but if I *am*... just think of the breakthrough! I leave town next Friday and the temptation will stay behind. Then my heart can well and truly break... and maybe I will be able to let myself heal and be strong. Right now I just want to cry out and run to his arms... the person I've been craving that isn't my husband. But that would be playing right into my pattern's designs. NO MORE! Can you tell I'm not convinced? Well.. it's cuz I'm not. I feel so incredibly weak, but I must try to be strong. I'll read some Pema Chodron tonight... she always helps me to see things in a new way.

Heart... stop trying to destroy me!

So.... falling off the wagon, so to speak. Heart breaking itself over it's own stupidity. Let go. Say "NO MORE!! I'm done!!" I will not fall into that trap AGAIN. I will not. I should just read my last post and FEEL the strength that I had there, take a stand for your own happiness. YOU CAN DO IT!

My self pep-talk online version 222.7. I sure do need a LOT of these things. I'll just have to keep giving them to myself until I listen and take heed..

What strength lies in the heart? In her fear there is strength. When I get to that place where nothing seems to make sense, and the world is against me and why bother... you know... that place? That's the place that I begin to have hope again.... because I've learned over the years that when I go there and let myself really go there, that I come out on the other side a wiser, calmer, stronger person.

What do I mean? Well... in this case I know that I need to be stronger for myself. I need to stop using what other people think of me to make me feel better or worse about myself... sure it can help at times, but to rely on it as I have done most of my life... not so much the good. I need to stand and be strong, resist the urges that I have to stray from my relationship, no matter how unhappy I am in it. I have to be strong for ME. Not for my marriage, so much as for myself. Because my pattern in the past has almost always been to ditch the current boy by finding a new and improved different boy. A "knight in shining armour". Well... there is no "knight in shining armour". There is only me. And that's glorious. All I've ever done by repeating this pattern is lose out on a whole whack of personal growth and development time.

Hell... it's not "THE" answer, but it's something. It's an answer of sorts... and now there are more questions to ask... like - do I want to be married? Do I want to be single? These are things to figure out in the next four months away from home and then come home and deal with the decisions. Or not. Maybe I should just leave well enough alone? Wait, Heather... wait and see.

How do I say what I need to say? How do I KNOW what I need to say? How do I know what is wrong with me? How do I fix it? Help. Oh. Help.

Feeling under the weather just slightly... a slight chest cough - I hope it doesn't escalate. Feeling confused as ever, holding on to two ideas instead of letting go of one and focusing on the other... it's really diffucult to live this way. There is no hope in one direction and less in the other. Especially if the truth of how I've been feeling comes out... will it? Should it? Am I evil? I feel evil, but not in the good way.

If we are not for ourselves, who will be for us?
If we are only for ourselves, what are we?
If not now, when?

-Rabbi Hillel. 2000BCE

Hold me closely, tuck your head in to my shoulder, put your face in my hair and breathe in the scent of me. There is so much more I want to know about you, so much more that I want to share with you, and yet, it seems, it cannot be. A fond memory, your touch. A precious dream, your head upon my chest. So close. Asleep. Spoon. There is much that you can learn from me, and I from you, but there is much more that we need to learn on our own. How to be strong? How to be confident in our choices? Which is the choice that I need to be confident in? The one I made years ago, or the one I see before me, now?

Who are you? Who am I to ask these questions? Where do we go from here?

It sure is funny how day to day things can change. Had another emotional roller coaster of a day today... and I'm not sure it will change once I go home. I plan to talk more to the hubby today about what I've been feeling and doing since we met, basically... and through no fault of his own, we may not make it. Was I ever committed to this marriage? Ever really committed? I'm not sure. Can I become committed to it? Doesn't seem like it, but I just don't know. I do know that I have to 'fess up and get talking or it'll just fester inside of me. Emotions. They're kind of like pus. The more you hold them inside, the more they multiply and infect everything that is you.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder and the head grow clearer. Sometimes. Meditation helps in that regard, too. I still wonder what it is I am meant to be doing with my life and whom I should be doing it with... but for the moment the sense of despair is gone. I wonder what today will hold... and my brain does fantasize endlessly about the possibilities.

I know that today holds designing and building a couple of projects that will be due when we return from Portland in March, and finding some more no-craze liner glazes to dip and try... it also holds cleaning the gunk out of the spray booth, and going to yoga class. Busy already - I'd better get started!

Nike has the best slogan, even if I don't like the company. Just do it. Ok! Bye!

What is it I am searching for that I have not yet found within myself? Why do I crave something that I should not crave, that I could not fully have even if I was supposed to want it? What is wrong with me that I dwell on this percieved lack of love in my life? I search for it everywhere except where I can find it? I discard it where it lives? Do I? I'm confused. Hurting. Horrible.

How can I stop thinking so much?

Make no sudden assumptions based upon my blog yesterday... things continuously change and ebb and flow. My brain continues to think too much. Analyze this. Analyze that. I think it will take a while, if ever, for Matthew's efforts to make a lasting impact on me. It will take a while for me to trust feeling loved. I have hope, and I have despair. I have love and lust and every other emotion under the moon moving through me, taking over, waxing and waning. Perhaps my mother knows me best after all? I search for love in all the wrong places, my desperation must certainly be a turn off as I become grotesque with longing. Until I can consistently satisfy my own desire to be loved and love myself completely... how can I expect anyone else to love me? How can I even know HOW to love another person? It must start with me. How do I break this cycle?

The questions and the thinking continue... argh.

The thinking continues... thinking too much about everything. I live in my brain, these days, except for those rare moments on the wheel or when I'm meditating when I can celebrate my own awareness. Talking about what's in my head helps me to get it out. Talking about it with the people that it involves helps the most. I wonder where I'll be in a year's time... I have plans, certainly... don't we all? I envision having spent the winter in a my new studio working on pottery after a summer of hard work in a tree planting camp as assistant cook, and a fall spent playing with horses and studying natural horsemanship, possibly buying a truck of my own... who knows, really? Will Matthew and I still be together? I'm ready for it to end. Harsh, I guess, but really I've been walking on eggshells for so long that I just can't bring myself to give anymore. When things are good, as they so rarely can be, I don't trust it enough to enjoy it at all. He's making an effort, but for me it seems too little, too late - I hope his efforts will pay off for him, though, so he can enjoy a longer-lasting relationship, and the intimacy that should come with it.

I have debts to pay and logistics to figure out. What do I want in my life? What will give me the most satisfaction and keep me present and aware? Meditation can help with that, but I think that living a life you don't really want hinders awareness more than anything else. We live in a society of fear and escape. We are slaves to the reality that we've created for ourselves, that we've let others create for us. I want to discover true reality and live a life of joy and purpose. It's hard to override both my biological and my conditioned responses to things so that I can be aware and not entraped by behavioural conditioning. Especially the biologically conditioned ones! Yikes. Solace in the arms of another man... that was putting it delicately, thanks Mom. It's true, that is my normal course of action. It's what I know how to do. How do I step outside of that realm of created reality and be strong enough for myself in the true reality? What is the true reality?

Now my brain is going into logistics mode, so I won't bore you with those details. I doubt anyone actually reads this anymore, anyway... it's been so long.

MEME:

Four jobs you have had in your life:

1. Shoe Salesperson
2. Remote Systems Administrator
3. Pizza Chef
4. Electrical Wiring Harness Builder

Four movies you would watch over and over again:

1. Office Space
2. Moulin Rouge
3. The Black Stallion
4. Any Cohen Brothers film

Four places you have lived:

1. Delta, BC
2. North Vancouver, BC
3. Nelson, BC
4. Maple Ridge, BC

Four T.V. shows you love to watch:

1. Nature
2. The Rick Mercer Report
3. This Hour has 22 minutes
4. CSI

Four places you have been on vacation:

1. Jamaica
2. Victoria, BC
3. The Kootenays
4. California

Four web-sites I visit daily:

1. Parelli Natural Horsemanship
2. Delicious Juice
3. yahoo mail
4.

Four of my favorite foods:

1. Japanese
2. Thai
3. Indian
4. Home Cookin' (by me or my mom)

Four places I'd rather be right now:

1. Florida at the Parelli Centre
2. Home playing with my horses
3. Here at school. =)
4. Camping

Four bloggers I am tagging:
Everyone's done it already... any strangers out there wanna go?

Sleepy. At school. Listening to somafm.com "groove salad". Threw 8 plates today. Ready to trim 3 large ones that I threw yesterday... but they might wait until tomorrow. I plan to go to yoga (first time) tonight and then on to the Commanding Officer's Parade of the 561 Air Cadets Squadron afterwards... I've been on two exercises with them - one just this past weekend - and I haven't seen them parade except for on Rememberance Day - which really wasn't a parade. It's going to be a long day - but no class until tomrrow afternoon and I have Saturday to trim and make things for Monday. I think *think* I'm finally back into the working groove at school. Sure took me a while this time around. Mehp.

Hum.

It's trying hard to snow outside, but it's really just more like 'chunky' rain. At home it's probably snowing and sticking...

Haircut blog? Yuh-hup.