Friday, April 05, 2002

friday five ( I dunno where to link this, cuz I took it from Devon's page) )

1. what are the first things that you do in the morning to start your day? Say good morning to Rainy, swish my mouth out with cold water and then take a long, cold drink, have some orange juice and check out my email and the blogs I read.

2. what are the last things that you do at night before going to bed? Dim the lights, check the lock on the door, call Rainy to her bed (and sometimes mine) crawl into my bed and read whatever book I'm currently into.

3. what daily routine have you recently added to your day? Nothing that is going to last longer than it takes me to find an apartment to live in. I read www.classifiedsbc.com every morning to find the lastest rental listings.

4. what routine do you wish you could get rid of? My lazy ways of not exercising! I already ditched cable because it glued me to the couch, and I think that's helping. Moving closer to work will make not biking there seem idiotic... so that should help, too.

5. what's the one thing that makes you feel like something is missing if you don't do it some point within your day? Cuddling with my dog Rainy.
Sorted through all my TONS of dog stuff this morning... toys, brushes, nail clippers, tooth scalers, collars, leads, chew toys, frisbees, small vari-kennel and other things and then drove what I didn't need (see previous list) of it down to the Vancouver Pound. They are Canada's first no-kill publicly run shelter and they were VERY appreciative of all the stuff that I couldn't use anymore. =) Yay for giving stuff to people (and dogs) who can use it! Yay for not having to move it/store it next month!

Still feeling the guilt, but I got some boxes today from where I used to work and called Meow Aid to try to donate the cat supplies that I have gathered up over the years so I don't have to move and store those, too. When I get another cat, I will buy him all new things of his very own... and Champ would like that his things are going to be used by other kitties in need. *sniffle*

The heavy duty sorting has begun... and soon I must tackle the bookshelf to see what I can be rid of. Books = heavy.

I just realized that even though I enjoy reading Gretchen's Ramblings every day, I didn't have a link to her on my side bar! Situation remedied!

Not much has changed since last night, except that I now feel well-rested. I have some things to clean up around here, some things to pack for the trip and a few more things to pick up.. LIFT TICKET!

I miss my Rainy-noodle-poodle. It makes me realize how determined I am to find a good apartment. I feel a bit guilty about going to Whistler this weekend... okay so a LOT guilty... because I haven't found and confirmed a place to live, yet... I'm going to have to quell that guilty feeling and enjoy myself. Whatever happens will happen and I will be right back here on Monday working my butt off to find a place again. Still... this is probably the best weekend in the month to look, and I won't even be looking. :-/ However, I can also look at this in a different way: my Whislter trip was meant to be, and maybe someone there will have a lead for me that I never considered.

Ah the dilemmas of a thinking creature. Sometimes we think ourselves into oblivion, guilt, pain and despair, but we can also think ourselves OUT of those things, too. Thank goodness.

Thursday, April 04, 2002

Called Denash. He gave the place to the first couple. BUT... ( a big but... heheh) he has another place in the same building which is a 2 bedroom for only 100 bux more a month. I would love that, too... or maybe the first couple would like that and I could have the one bedroom... the thing is... it's currently rented. BUT (here's where the big but actually comes in...) the guy renting it just had his girlfriend move out... and he may be wanting to move, too. Denash is going to seriously talk to the guy tomorrow/tonight and call me on the weekend. I told him I'd be out of town on "business" (snowboard trip seemed a bit frivoulus if I don't have anywhere to live in just under a month...) but I told him I'd check messages on my cell and call him as soon as I could.

Either way. I'd be up for it. The place has what I need right now, it's close to work, spacious, quiet, nicely maintained and the landlord seems VERY sweet. He asked me if I'd been having a hard time finding a place, and I told him that I honestly was. Every place I call or visit, NO PETS is the first thing they tell me if I even broach the subject in a round about way... I usually ask " Are there any animals living in the building? " (as though I'm not fond of that...) and they have so far always said, "No, we have a very strict NO PET policy." Bitches.

I'm ready to hold out for the right place, and I'm ready to be "homeless" for a while to get the right place. Maybe the laws will change - I know a review of the residential tenancy act is in the works for the spring session of the legislature - and I'll be able to make those evil, power-hungry landlords who smugly disallow pets say "Damn Government. They's bitches." when they HAVE to rent me a nice apartment! =D

Now, I'm tired. I'm going to bed. Whistler tomorrow!
I'll post this when bloggers "server upgrade" is finished. :-/

Busy day.

Took George to the airport for his trip to Hawaii, today... that was hard. The whole Hawaii trip and him deciding to go after we decided not to when we had originally planned to go together thing is what got us talking about us not being "us" anymore a few weeks ago... and it was hard to take him there and see him off and know that I'm on my own and he's on his own and we're not going there together.... or anywhere together anymore. :-/

But.. I rallied and went to visit the folks at work. It was only 6:30AM, after all. So I stopped by McDonald's and bought a bunch of McMuffiny things for my friends at work to eat. They were appreciative, although they had sent someone out on a McDonald's run just before I got there. =) I have great timing, yes, I do. Talke a lot with my co-workers about things, sat in on a post-install meeting for Johns Hopkins and did my part trying to justify to the boss-lady just WHY it was good that I went on this trip. I really don't think she saw the benefit of me going, despite how well things went. Silly lady.

The organizers of the trip to Whistler this weekend (did I mention I am going to Whistler for a few days?) and I got together and figured out what kind of food to get, made up a list and I went to Costco to pick it up. I then came home, almost fell asleep and my mom called. I arranged to drive the dog out to her work at 3:00 (it was 2:15 at the time she called) so she could take her home for the weekend while I'm away. Then I drove to Tisol, got some more cookies, cuz I know Mom will spoil Rainy all weekend and there will be none left! I took my old co-worker Sandy out for dinner. We've been sounding boards for each other for a long time, and I filled her in on the split between George and I. She was surprised... which is unusual, because usually she knows well in advance of when I do when a relationship of mine is on the rocks. Heh. We both enjoyed dinner and I was thouroughly tired by this time so I bought the rest of the groceries that I couldn't get at Costco and headed home.

Now I'm damn tired. Going to watch a movie, call Denash about the apartment and go to bed. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Wednesday, April 03, 2002

More things coming up in the options department.

I could stay here. I could accomplish this in one of a few ways. 1.) I could get a roommate. My neighbour knows a very sweet flight attendent that would be gone 50 - 80% of the time. That would be cool. 2.) I could help a troubled youth or an elderly person have a home. Apparently my neighbour gets some good coin and some great relationships by helping troubled teens.

I could buy a place with no money down. Ron has done this. Legally. He knows just how to do it. I will have to talk to him about it. This would solve many problems, such as never having to beg to have my dog or be refused tenancy because of her. But I'd want a place in the Landmark 33... probably too $$$. We shall see!

I could move. I found an apartment that would do nicely, though it certainly doesn't have a view like our current place. Nor does it have a pool, a hot tub, a gym, a steam room, a concierge, a great neighbour like Ron... it lacks in so many ways. It also lacks in one important (but good) way: It lacks the huge price tag of this suite. It lacks the distance from work, too.. it's probably a 10 - 15 minute bike ride from work versus the 40 minute ride this place is. The only obstacle right now is that the owner had an application two days before mine. He says he will meet with them and call me either way. The tenant who is currently there, Sabrina (she's nice) told me in our hour-long chat that the landlord prefers single people to a couple. That looks good for me. I guess I'll find out tomorrow if it was meant to be!

Here's a description from what I can remember:

It's about 600 square feet with a large master bedroom, spacious, interestingly-shaped living room, open plan kitchen (with a skylight) and a large bathroom. It is clean (smells a bit like wet Labrador Retriever at the moment, but that can be remedied) has good paint and carpet and a new fridge. It comes with a stove. There are sliding glass doors off of the living room that lead to a spacious balcony where I can have a barbeque! There are two closets in the living room area and a big one with an organizer in the bedroom. I just realized one problem with that suite. No laundry that I know of. It's on top of a small commercial building with about 3 stores below it.. and it doesn't have in-suite laundry as far as I know... maybe that small 2nd closet in the front all was laundry... I hope so! Hauling laundry on a bicycle will suck, but it can be done... or there's always the emergency hand-wash and hang-dry.

Whatever happens, it is meant to be. I'll sleep on all the information that Ron, my neighbour, gave me -- and see what tomorrow brings in the way of new apartment for rent ads, calls from prospective landlords and mulling over of possibilities.
Well... how's this for a turnaround. I don't feel nearly so swamped by life today. I think that 1.) talking to the financial planner and 2.) deciding not to "settle" for a crappy apartment in order to have my dog live with me (I'd rather be homless with a cause!) is what I have to thank for that. It is all within my capabilities. It always was, I just didn't realize it!

I don't use the phrase "under my control" for a reason. Nothing is under my control except the way I deal with what happens in life. Despite the best laid plans, I could be hit by a bus tomorrow and never walk again. Not what I had planned. Not even close. That's a pretty extreme example, but you know what I'm getting at. We all have things that come up in life that can hinder us or make us stronger. It's all how we look at them.

I look at Gretchen as a beautiful example of a person who takes what life throws at her and counts her blessings with grace, humour and dignity. She didn't plan to have a child at this stage in her life, especially one with the challenges that Becca presents, but as frustrated as she sometimes gets, the sunny, positive side of her is always showing through to inspire us all. Thank you Gretchen. You are a treasure!

My friends, online and IRL, are my blessings. They stick with me through the nastiest parts of me and still give me love. I love them right back for it and for all the other inspiring, creative, depraved, magical things that they are. Blessings, every one.

Somtimes, I am the queen, of commas.
Never fails. *just* when you decide to get naked and wander around your apartment, the property manager decides to show it to prospective teants. ;-)

Just got back from the office of my new financial planner. I love how they get paid. The bank, insurance agencies and other financial institutions pay them from the "spread" between what they give on the money we invest with them and what they make from the money we invest with them. I don't put out a penny (except for lawyers fees for things like legal wills etc). This rocks. Everyone should have an advisor like Floyd.

I really feel better after talking to him --- he's my parents' advisor as well as my honorary aunt and uncle's advisor. I've met him socially before but didn't realize it. I felt very comfortable with his description of the four parts of a financial plan and how they are all unique to the person who the plan is for. I have another meeting with him next Thursday at 9:00AM to go over the state of my current finances. Scary but exciting.
Wanton Wednesday

If you could do one physical thing to your lover while they slept, without them knowing about it at the time, what would you do?

I don't have a lover at the moment, but if I did... there are all sorts of things I'd like to do to him! Mostly I'd like to lightly trail my fingertips in spirals and swirls all over his skin until he got goosebumps in his sleep, and then gently kiss him all over until he woke up with wood and we made love. I'd like for him to do that to me, too!

One day... ;-)
I mght just be homeless in less than a month. What a concept!? It's kind of funny to me when I look at it that way, though homelessness as a national problem isn't funny in the least.

Perhaps I will try my best to find a nice place that will take Rainy and I, and if I do not succeed I will use the situation to further the cause of allowing pets in rental housing... A cause! MY CAUSE! I have found my calling. "I was made homeless because they would not accept me and my pet."

The wheels are turning.

Tuesday, April 02, 2002

You are Fozzie!
Wokka Wokka! You love to make lame jokes. Your sense of humor might be a bit off, but you're a great friend and can always be counted on.
.

The power returns temporarily and I get lots accomplished and feel stronger than ever. Then I get tired or discouraged and the power to fight despair wanes and fails... I need the power. I HAVE the power. Fighting this will give me more power than I've ever had and I will keep fighting until I am free and strong and my own woman.

Maybe I'll wear my He-Man and the Masters of the Universe shirt tomorrow. Then I will have the power of Grey Skull.

Food will help and then sleep will help.
How easy it is to slip from a feeling of power to one of helplessness and despair. I try to analyze it, to fight it, to block it out... but the feeling creeps in again. It's relentless. I cannot give it to it or I will fall... and I may not be able to get back up. I feel the tears of hoplessness well up in my eyes as the feeling of despair creeps into my throat and I fight it with every positive thing that I am doing for myself. Sometimes they are not enough and for a moment the tears win... I will continue to fight these feelings of self-doubt and betrayal that are trying to overwhelm me.

I do not deserve to feel this way. I rail and rail and rail against it, and it keeps coming back at me. The fear of not being able to succeed. The fear of change. The fear of losing my power to another human being again... I don't want that! I want to be powerful and share my power with others who will share their power with me. There is no giving away of my power in my life any more. Only sharing. Growing. Keeping. I will NOT give it up for nothing again!

The TV keeps drawing me to it. It used to be my form of escape. My way to ignore the realitiy that I'm living in... now that I've cancelled cable I am fighting to stay emotionally stable and strong without having that escape. This will be a challenge. It is a challenge I want to face and to win. I KNOW it will make me stronger in the long run. Maybe I have half the battle won just by being aware.

I will not let these fears control me and subdue me!

Self doubt: "What if I don't find an apartment that will take Rainy? What if I do, but it's crappy and horrible?"

Answer: "I will put my belongings into storage and find someplace for Rainy and I to crash for a month, be that at my parents or somewhere else. I will MAKE my parents help me by lending me one of their cars. I will not settle for a crappy place to live. I DO NOT HAVE TO! There is always another solution, if I just look for it."

I am not alone in this, but it's easy to forget that I'm not, when I'm at home alone with no car and a feeling that no one could understand what I'm going through. I sink into fear and let the feelings of despair nibble at my soul with tiny painful bites. I fight against it. I temporarily win or lose and then the cycle starts all over again.

When the fears and self doubt come, I doubt every decision I have ever made.

Posting here helps, even though I'm sure anyone who reads this is well and truly tired of me repeatedly voicing my fear. Screw it. I will do what I have to do. I have internal drama of my own making enough for all.

Calling people to arrange to view apartments is a completely demoralizing experience. Sure, they should know how lucky they'd be to get ME as a tenant... but damn... I hate the feeling of having to suck up to people. Just have to rent ONE more place, save my sheckels and then BUY. This is just too painful. All the callbacks I've received so far are the "it's already rented" variety. All the calls I make are to apartment ads that don't *specifically* list "no pets" in their ads.. then I found one building with two ads -- one had "no pets" in the ad, and the other didn't.

I hate our residential tennancy laws that allow discrimination based on pet ownership. This site is trying to do something about it... but it will come too late for me, I'm afraid.

I'll have to go for a walk around the neighbourhood I'm trying to move to, tomorrow. Meh. Feh. Bleh.

I'm DETERMINED to find a place to live that doesn't suck. If I have to lie about not owning a pet to get in. I will. Bitches.

Monday, April 01, 2002

Blogger is SLOW today. Trying to add ariosa's journal to my list of blogs... to no avail. I haven't forgotten you, dear.

Going to a movie with Tusker today (Ice Age) and then my long weekend is over. I won't be back to work for another 2 weeks, but I have so much to do until then. I need to find a place to live where I can have Rainy. It may not be easy, but we'll see. The laws may change to my benefit, soon... and I'll fight tooth and nail to get my baby dog living with me.

I'm sure it won't hurt that she's going to be in a grooming contest at the beginning of next month, so she'll be gorgeous and clean (and have short, non-clicky nails).

Lots to do before then, and I'm going to start first thing tomorrow morning.