Thursday, September 05, 2002

Oh yeah... www.epona.com is no more... in case you'd ever gone there and wondered what the heck was up. They finally caught on to me. We deleted everything after we downloaded it all. All clear.

I'll find some other hosting, someplace... for pictures and the like.
It's tough to rationalize feelings. Dwelling on them doesn't help. Musing and fretting and worrying about them only allows them to take over. Feelings aren't rational, at all. The only thing that I find helps me to work through them without blowing them all out of proportion is to write about them. Morning Pages especially help me - but blogging can help almost as much.

What I'm feeling today is incompetent at my job. I'm not. I KNOW I'm not... but when it gets busy - I just don't feel as confident in my abilities as I should.

I have other feelings in the mix today, too. I'm wearing my favourite pair of pants. They are nearly too small for me. In fact they ARE too small for me. I don't like how that makes me feel. I know I'm going to do something about it, but I'm doubting that it will succeed even before I've tried. I know I am capable. I've done it before. I just have to exercise and eat right. 2 bagels a day with light cream cheese plus fruits and veggies, salmon and soy and I should be good to go. I just have to eat smaller portions. Cut the sugar and processed or fast foods -- add exercise 5 or 6 days a week and I'll shrink. I can DO this. I just have my doubts. I feel like I'm just going to keep growing instead of either staying the same or shrinking. Shrinking is what I want.

Do I join a gym just to pay them and not go? I ask myself these questions without an answer in my head, then I work through them here and find the answers. What if I reward myself with a gym membership if I can get up and go for a brisk walk/jog every morning for a month? I can take Rainy, she'd like that. When the weather starts to turn, I'll join the gym - and by then I'll probably have cancelled my cell phone - the cost of which will pay for the gym. I'm planning to cancel it, but there are some messages from M. on there that I want to save - so first I have to figure out a way to do that! ;-) I'm such a goof.

Back to work.

Following my train of thought is like following a thousand bumblebees all going in a different direction at once.

Wednesday, September 04, 2002

Alive and well.... well... almost well. I've been getting sick WAY too often since starting to drive from Maple Ridge every day to work... maybe it's work, maybe it's the car and it's leaky, fumey way.... maybe it's not getting enough rest, enough healthy food, enough exercise. Maybe it's all of the above. These things will all change. Slowly. I'm going to get a gym membership. In order to get the gym membership, I'm going to cancel my cell phone. I don't use it. Well... I would if my plan covered any USEFUL hours. I paid over $95 last month because I used it OUTSIDE the "included" time for my plan. My old plan rocked. I never went "outside the lines". The new plan they stuck me with sucks wide open ass. No free anytime minutes. Free weekday evenings and free weekends.. but they don't start till 7pm (I'm already home) and they end before 7am (I'm just waking up). So... I think I'll just give people my work number and my home number and let the messages roll in. I can check my work messages from anywhere, which rocks. My home messages, I don't know the number to call or the password for it. Hmm.. Have to remedy that.

That'll pay for my fitness club membership, and working the 9:30 to 6 shift as much as possible will mean I can go before work - if I work at 6am I'll go after work. If I work inbetween shifts, I'll probably go after work, too. Have to find a gym with incredible hours. Have to go 5-6 days/week. Have to eat better. WILL eat better. Have to find my new running shoes... where the heck did they go?!?

The trip to the Kootenays with M. and M's Mum was awesome. A great break despite getting yet another dizzy spell and sore throat and other bacteria-induced goodness. We went to Peachland and then on to Lemon Creek (sleeping in Bonnington at a friend of their family's home) and travelling to Lemon Creek one of the days to clean up and document the damages done by their previous tenant. Hard work and disheartening for M's Mum... but hopefully she'll figure out what to do with the property from here. Peachland (and a home of another friend of the family) was our stop the next day as well -- and there we had a whole day where we didn't have to go anywhere or do anything. We went to SummerHill Winery (the one with the Pyramid in Kelowna) and then drove a back road up by chute lake and then down around the bottom of the valley to return to their wonderful view property for a delicious BBQ of steak and chicken with fresh veggies from the garden. Yum. Later on that evening after dinner M and I went for a LONG walk. It wasn't planned as such, but I tell you.... a walk like that every day and I'd be fitter than Janet Jackson. Okay, maybe not that fit, but I would be able to eat anything at all that I wanted and not gain an ounce. It's quite a climb from Okanagan Lake to their sweeping view property. Quite a climb. Ow. Travelled home over the back road from Peachland to Princeton - fun and windy and twisty and gravel. I felt like I was in a rally! M. even let me drive for much of it - even though I could see the HUGE grin on his face the whole time he was driving. Love you, M. Tons.

I'm tired today, but looking forward to just two weeks from now when I head out to Edmonton to be a witness and a wedding party member at the marriage of my two dear friends Kim and Ed. They rock so hard it hurts - and I get to be part of it. I know there have been times where Kim wondered why she asked me to be in it - but if she can just feel one iota of the love in my heart for them, she'll remember why... even when I'm at my most trying. Celebrating with them is going to be one of two highlights in a very turbulent year for me. The other being meeting my soul mate. I'll miss M. but I'll be able to call him at work and give him remote love from Edmonton and Vegas. Wish you could come with me, babe!