So. There are times when I post on my other site when I censor myself because my Mom reads it. I do it to save her feelings, not to save her from some depraved side of myself. I HATE feeling like I /have/ to do that. Hate. So why do I do it anyway? She's told me that she stopped reading it because I mentioned seeing my birth mom on it. Because I used the words 'birth mom'. Seriously, Mom? ...get some help.

In other realizations of awareness.... school has taught me more than I realized. I used to only like 'art' that was subjective - art that had an obvious subject matter. Flowers, horses, mountains and the like... but now I've realized the beauty and amazing creativity of abstract art. That's not to say that I like all abstract art, because I don't. But I've figured out that there is beaty in composition, arrangement, line, shape, form and negative space FOR THEMSELVES. It doesn't have to "be" something for me, anymore. It kind of opens up a whole new realm of possibilities and ideas. =) I still prefer subjective art, but I can appreciate the abstract more, now.

Nerves about the wedding went away as soon as I realized that my impending period was causing them to act up. I had the worst cramps of the last 10 years today... but I was glad because it was today and not Monday (wedding day) that they were happening. Whew! Even tomorrow would have been too much, what with picking up Lorraine and trying to get this place ship shape for the parents to see it for the first time. I'm way behind schedule on that, due to the cramps and the ensuing four hour nap.

We have the rings, we have the photographer, we have the marriage commisioner, license, clothes to wear... it's all coming together. I feel bad for not including more of my friends and family in the ceremony itself, but really, I just didn't want to be a bother to anyone. I always feel as though I'm imposing when I ask someone to do something for me - even though it probably wouldn't be taken that way... I've also always felt pretty alone in my life. Even though I'm getting married to M. I still sometimes feel like I'm alone. I really should go get some more help with that. I'm certain it stems from my adoption experience and when I am conscious of adoption in the background, it helps the feelings have less power over me... but I'm not dealing with it by waiting.

Money being the problem that it currently is, I probably won't be able to get any help any time soon. No job, lots of debt and a Visa that is still being racked up despite the fact that I have absolutely no way to pay for it OR the debt. Krikey. I'm trying not to rack it up, but it just seems that the very time when I have NO money, is the time when I HAVE to buy something. Stress response? Shopping as retail-therapy? Oh yes. I've practiced it almost all my adult life. *sigh* I don't worry all that much about it, which seems silly, but money really does seem to work itself out without me stressing about it. So I won't. Much.

The garden is coming along, slowly... we got tons of perennials from a neighbour and tons more from our friends in Fruitvale that i have to weed and find homes for. It's great, but I have NO TIME! Next week I should at least be able to "heal them in" temporarily. I'll have to or some of them will probably die before I get home from the coast. Wedding reception on the 15th. I hope everyone can make it. I wish I could have had the pot luck variety that I wanted, but that's what you get when you ask your Mom to plan your wedding reception because you have no time... well... I WILL have a pot luck one when we get home in the next month or so... and the birth family will be able to come to that one.

What a balancing act. It never seems to end, either. I hate the balancing, but I love both families... though dealing with my Mom's issues is stressing me out a lot lately. It's harder than dealing with a birth mom I don't know very well. At least thinking about her doesn't make me cringe. It makes me smile. Hmm... more issues to take to therapy when I have money. Indeed. *sigh*

This guy, Mark Nykanen, bought one of my skull mugs at the sale we had a few weeks back. He's going to use it for an author photo one day. He writes scary books and gave me a signed copy of The Bone Parade when we had a long chat about adoption last week. I really enjoyed our chat over a smoothie. I read the book all the next day and finished it off. Quite enjoyable. Maybe I'm just getting older, but I wasn't super freaked out like I used to be. I'll have to try reading a few more psychological thrillers... though the fact that the main characters are sculptors (and I did some sculpting this past year) may have made it more intriguing than scary for me.


Enough for now. I should get to cleaning this house. Dreading the arrival, yet looking forward to it, too.