The desire for someone to dote on me. Someone to tell me that I make living worthwhile. Someone to touch me in a way that is so tender, so connected... someone to woo me, to seduce me, to pamper me, to look after me. To do the little things that I would appreciate so much... clean the sink, bring me flowers... it doesn't have to be much... it doesn't have to be every day... just once in a while... take me aside, look deep into my eyes, tell me how much I mean to you... do I mean something special to you? Please just tell me. Show me. It's not that I forget... it's just that I sometimes need to hear it again. I melt when I hear it. Make me melt?

The wonder diminishes, the connection fades so easily... I am the one who maintains it. It's hard work. I want some help. I want some relief. I want to be shown that I am appreciated. It does no good if it's all inside you... Despite my many other abilities... I still can't read minds. Or hearts.

I just want to cry for a bit. Maybe a powerful movie will do it... I need something to take my mind off of this, or I won't get any sleep tonight for pining. Finish the laundry in the morning. Wear the same underwear again tomorrow until I have some that is dry. Hahahaha! Incoherent. Time to get off the computer and stop looking here for what it cannot possibly provide.

What a strange feeling. I'm alone. M is away in Kaslo with our friends for the weekend... he has a four day weekend, lucky man. However... this leaves me at home after a rather disturbing dream in which I was being stalked and subtly attacked by someone from my past. He had spent all the time since I last saw him developing a machine and program which would completely take over my mind and cause me all sorts of suffering - without anyone else ever knowing or me being able to tell anyone about it. Now I feel compelled to search this guy out and take him to task on it. Or at least put my mind at ease that he's doing other things with his time. I'm sure he is. It was a long, long time ago.

Funny how my brain works. Or doesn't.

At least school is wonderful and I'm back focused on clay as the one thing I want to learn how to do better than I ever imagined I could.