I just wrote a detailed post about motheres, mortgages and wedding plans and somehow I lost it. Argh. Here's the short version:

I spoke to my Mom about us going to see about getting a pre-approved Mortgage and buying a place together. She got upset, threatened to withold inheritance money from my Grandma if we weren't married first. I got upset and told her what I thought of that. (grrrr) But the conversation did make me realize what I want in a wedding and why I hadn't been planning one up until now - I had been trying to please everyone else and the thought of having to do that had overwhelmed me. M. and I sat down and talked about what WE want. Ideas began with eloping and faxing them a copy of the marriage certificate (heheh that'll show 'em!)... but not wanting to alienate both of our families, we decided that what we really want is a small ceremony with a marriage commissioner here in Nelson with just our parents in attendance followed by a pot luck party in Vancouver later in the week (planned by our parents so they can have who/what they want there - with our input of course...). We want to buy ourselves some nice clothes for the wedding, have rings made by KSA jewellery students and just keep things simple. It's never quite that simple, though. I know things will come up. But we'll deal with them when they do. We don't want presents, just friends to write us a letter and wish us well, or come and bring something they're proud of to the pot luck, or visit us some other time in the year. Our home is open to visitors year round - and I love to show people around Nelson!

We don't mean to exclude anyone with these plans, we just think that it's all about making this our beginning here in Nelson and sharing our bonding afterwards with family and friends. I don't want a big fuss and I don't really feel close enough to any one person (other than Matthew) to choose a maid/matron of honour, so this is how we've planned things.

I had more eloquent things to say in the first post... but I think this gives the jist of it. I'm happy about this - and glad that we finally realized what WE want to do. *glee*

Minus 9 degrees today. Um. Brr? Even the foggy windows have frozen on the inside. Maybe its time to put up that winter window kit? Yeah, I think so. Its also time to put the rest of the turkey and the stock I made from it, into the freezer. Maybe after lunch. I'll take some down to Matthew today. Maybe we'll be able to eat the rest of it - or I could put it into a turkey pot pie... With stuffing included. I think that's what I'll do.

Had tons of fun yesterday at my sister Carla's house. Kids, snowmobiles, GT Racers and crazy carpets. Cooking weiners over a campfire and warming up with hot chocolate all played a role in that sunny, snowy day. I have pictures, but posting them is a pain. ;-) Beautiful, though. Just beautiful.

Things are lovely. We spent time in Riondel with Bob, my birth dad and his family, and my sister Candy and her family - a pretty crazy time, but fun to be sure. I'm having a relaxing holiday, trying not to take on too much, though it's hard not to when I've been going full tilt at school for three months. I'm looking forward to January and starting the new semester. Bob bought a steer to butcher and split up for all the kids in his family ( he has four including me ). We now have a huge amount of frozen, organic, free-range, grain-finished beef in our freezer. Yum. I think I might get sick of beef this year, since I don't normally buy all that much of it... but maybe not. He wants to teach me to scuba dive this summer, and I want to learn. I think I'd also like to learn to shoot, maybe even hunt. I'd feel better about eating as much meat as I do if it were free range and I had to kill it myself. Might make me into a vegetarian, yet, though I doubt it. I'm surprisingly hard-hearted for an animal lover. :-/

Having trouble with my web browser, lately. It won't let me open internet sites that I frequent all the bloody time. mytelus.com, my very own blog, it's weird. Plus something is changing my home page all the time - though I hate to admit it, being that I should be geeky enough to A: avoid that sort of thing happening to me or B: be able to fix it if it does. Anti virus has done nothing. Somebody must have clicked "ok" to something that shouldn't have been clicked "ok" to. Hopefully it wasn't me. ;-) Maybe I'll just switch to netscape.. ;-) or Mozilla...

Anyway... off to watch a movie and then get some much needed sleep after last night's goings on. We slept in the Riondel fire hall last night. It was kinda cool. That's what comes from being related to the Fire Chief of Riondel. ;-)

I did like Ariosa did:

you are violet #EE82EE

Your dominant hues are red and blue. You're confident and like showing people new ideas. You play well with others and can be very influential if you want to be. Your saturation level is lower than average - You don't stress out over things and don't understand people who do. Finishing projects may sometimes be a challenge, but you schedule time as you see fit and the important things all happen in the end, even if not everyone sees your grand master plan. Your outlook on life is bright. You see good things in situations where others may not be able to, and it frustrates you to see them get down on everything.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

Show me that you love me in a way that I can comprehend. A way that touches my very being.

/me copies dev0n.

[[body ills and skills]]
nervous habits?: clenching my teeth
are you double jointed?: only in some fingers
can you roll your tongue?: yes
can you raise one eyebrow at a time?: just my left
can you blow spit bubbles?: yes
can you cross your eyes?: yes
tattoos?: one. large. on my back.
piercings and where?: two in ear, one in belly, more to come...
do you make your bed daily?: usually. keeps the dog's dirt out of my sheets and on top of the covers.


[[clothes]]
which shoe goes on first?: left
speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone?: don't think so
on the average, how much money do you carry in your purse/wallet?: not much. one word. interac.
what jewelry do you wear 24/7?: the rings in my piercings and a necklace of matthew's
favorite piece of clothing?: red short sleeved shirt with stitched abstract bugs on it.
pajamas: shorts and a t-shirt, or flannel if i'm sick/freezing.

[[food]]
do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?: twirl
have you ever eaten spam?: yep. nasty.
favorite ice cream flavor?: green tea
how many cereals in your cabinet?: three or four
what's your favorite beverage?: water
what's your favorite restaurant?: kamura sushi in nelson.
do you cook?: almost every day.

[[grooming]]
how often do you brush your teeth?: once or twice a day
how often do you shower/bathe?: every one to two days.
how long does your shower last?: 10 to 15 minutes.
hair drying method: towel dry, and then air dry
have you ever colored/highlighted your hair?: yep. might highilght it after it grows out a bit more.
do you paint your nails?nope

[[manners]]
do you swear?: fuck yeah.
do you ever spit?: only when absolutely necessary, and then, only in the bathroom. i agree with dev0n on this one. spitting IS nasty. and gross. and vile. and disgusting. ick.

[[what's your favorite]]
animal?: horses, rainy our dog and wave our cat.
food?: salmon
month?: august, december, march
day?: saturday
anime/manga?: eh?
shoe brand?: merrell
subject in school?: clay!
color?: blue/purple/green
sport?: anything equestrian, World Rally Championship.
tv show?: don't watch TV. =-)
best looking male celebs?: Hugh Jackman. Yummy.
thing to do in spring?: wilderness camping.
thing to do In the summer?: lay on the beach with a book.
thing to do In autumn?: back to school, kick crispy fallen leaves. breathe the smell of earth going to sleep.
thing to do In the winter?: build snow castles/sculptures.

[[in and around]]
the cd player?: supreme beings of leisure
person you talk most on the phone with?: matthew
ever taken a cab?: yes
do you regularly check yourself out in store windows and mirrors?: yep. have to make sure i got all the clay off after leaving the studio.
what color is your bedroom?: white, but it's gonna end up blue.
do you use an alarm clock?: yes
window seat or aisle?: aisle

[[la-la land]]
what's your sleeping position?: on my stomach, hugging one pillow, head on another, left leg bent.
even in hot weather do you use a blanket?: yep
do you snore?: when i'm sick or in allergy season
do you sleepwalk?: nope
do you talk in your sleep?: nope
do you sleep with a stuffed animals?: i sleep with real animals.
how about with the light on?: off. dark. dark. dark.
do you fall asleep with the tv or radio on?: nope

[[which is better]]
coke or pepsi?: pepsi when i'm weak. i shouldn't drink pop.
oranges or apples?: apples
one pillow or two?: two
deaf or blind?: blind
pools or hot tubs?: hot springs
blondes or brunettes?: brunettes
tall or short?: average
tv or radio?: radio
beach or pool?: beach
tic-tacs or certs?: tic-tacs
snooze button or jump out of bed?: jump out of bed
sunrise or sunset?: sunrise in winter, sunset in summer
hamburger or cheeseburger?: mushrrom cheese burger
morning or night?: morning
sports or news?: news
indoors or outdoors?: outdoors
christmas eve or christmas day?: christmas eve
cake or ice cream?: ice cream
spearmint or peppermint?: peppermint
bath or shower?: bath
book or movie?: book
green or red apples?: red/yellow (gala)
rain or snow?: snow
nike or adidas?: merrell

[[when was the last time you]]
took a shower?: today
cried?: almost today... in drawing class.
talked on the phone?: yesterday
read a book?: last night
punched someone?: a few weeks ago in metal class.

[[the future]]
where do you see yourself in ten years?: married, with children, living in the country
who are you going to be married to?: matthew
how many kids?: 2
your profession?: mom/potter
future school?: continue on at Kootenay School of the Arts
car of your dreams?: subaru impreza

Frustrating. Coming home. Helping do dishes. Only to be told " I need space ". At least he tells me what he needs. But the information is so conflicting, at times. Yeargh.

Best go back to school and get some work done. After dinner. After he finishes the dishes. Which will take longer, because I'm not helping anymore. Meh.

Like Ali... I follow the herd...


You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.


What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


-Motherly- You're the motherly type. You love to
take care of the one you love, and generally
you can be a bit overprotective and possessive,
but you know, that isn't always such a bad
thing. At least you'll be a good mom in the
future.


What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


You are Neo, from "The Matrix." You
display a perfect fusion of heroism and
compassion.


What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

My inner child is ten years old!

The adult world is pretty irrelevant to me. Whether
I'm off on my bicycle (or pony) exploring, lost
in a good book, or giggling with my best
friend, I live in a world apart, one full of
adventure and wonder and other stuff adults
don't understand.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

That's enough.

Things are better. I don't know why I ramble on so much sometimes. =)

We talked. I asked him what it was that I could do for him to really let him know that I love him - he said " I love it when you make me dinner". Cool! I love making dinner, so that's all good.

I told him what I like. Being told, "I love you", random spontaneous kisses and random spontaneous hugs/snuggles. =) Hopefully he'll take it to heart. Maybe I'll remind him. Lots. ;-)

The desire for someone to dote on me. Someone to tell me that I make living worthwhile. Someone to touch me in a way that is so tender, so connected... someone to woo me, to seduce me, to pamper me, to look after me. To do the little things that I would appreciate so much... clean the sink, bring me flowers... it doesn't have to be much... it doesn't have to be every day... just once in a while... take me aside, look deep into my eyes, tell me how much I mean to you... do I mean something special to you? Please just tell me. Show me. It's not that I forget... it's just that I sometimes need to hear it again. I melt when I hear it. Make me melt?

The wonder diminishes, the connection fades so easily... I am the one who maintains it. It's hard work. I want some help. I want some relief. I want to be shown that I am appreciated. It does no good if it's all inside you... Despite my many other abilities... I still can't read minds. Or hearts.

I just want to cry for a bit. Maybe a powerful movie will do it... I need something to take my mind off of this, or I won't get any sleep tonight for pining. Finish the laundry in the morning. Wear the same underwear again tomorrow until I have some that is dry. Hahahaha! Incoherent. Time to get off the computer and stop looking here for what it cannot possibly provide.

What a strange feeling. I'm alone. M is away in Kaslo with our friends for the weekend... he has a four day weekend, lucky man. However... this leaves me at home after a rather disturbing dream in which I was being stalked and subtly attacked by someone from my past. He had spent all the time since I last saw him developing a machine and program which would completely take over my mind and cause me all sorts of suffering - without anyone else ever knowing or me being able to tell anyone about it. Now I feel compelled to search this guy out and take him to task on it. Or at least put my mind at ease that he's doing other things with his time. I'm sure he is. It was a long, long time ago.

Funny how my brain works. Or doesn't.

At least school is wonderful and I'm back focused on clay as the one thing I want to learn how to do better than I ever imagined I could.

The Big Five Personality Test

Extroverted	||||||||||||||	58%
Introverted	||||||||||||	42%
Friendly	||||||||||||||||	70%
Aggressive	||||||	30%
Orderly	||||||||||||	50%
Disorderly	||||||||||||	50%
Relaxed	||||||||||||	50%
Emotional	||||||||||||	50%
Intellectual	||||||||||||||	60%
Practical	||||||||||	40%

Take Free Big 5 Personality Test

Okay so I finished my homework and took this test for fun. I feel it was fairly accurate, all in all. ;-)

You are 44% geek

You are a geek liaison, which means you go both ways. You can hang out with normal people or you can hang out with geeks which means you often have geeks as friends and/or have a job where you have to mediate between geeks and normal people. This is an important role and one of which you should be proud. In fact, you can make a good deal of money as a translator. Normal: Tell our geek we need him to work this weekend. You [to Geek]: We need more than that, Scotty. You'll have to stay until you can squeeze more outta them engines! Geek [to You]: I'm givin' her all she's got, Captain, but we need more dilithium crystals! You [to Normal]: He wants to know if he gets overtime.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

I've figured out that I won't have time to update this journal frequently during the school year. I'll leave it here, in case I *really* need to vent, but I will be keeping the journal on this page updated as regularly as time will allow. I want a record of my journey through school and that will be it.

I haven't been too active in this journal for the past week... mostly because I'm journalling my school and creative experiences elsewhere - and this was my first week of school. Suffice it to say here that it has already been amazing - and I'm ready for the mind and soul expanding that is going to happen over the next year. The bank-account shrinking that is going to occur is the hard part. We shall see how I hold up in school... I will apply this week for one of the few student positions that is available.. but it's not certain that I will get one and I don't really want to work outside of the school environment while I'm actually IN school. Summer is different, but still not much.

Almost ready for school. No more E.I. for me - I went yesterday and cancelled it, because you can't get E.I. when you are going to school... at least not to Art School. ;-) At any rate, I have student loan money and RRSP money to use - I will still have debt, but it should be manageable - and I will definitely HAVE to get a job next summer, but I should be able to last until school is over with, at least. Maybe I'll have to get a job down at the mall or something. Heh. Now that would be funny. Me working at the little "Japanese" food court place or at Save-On-Foods. That would be okay, actually - I should apply there. Might be able to get a student janitor position at school, which would be perfect - so I don't have to travel to work every day. We'll see. We'll see.

Today is the day to do a few more things around here... finally (hopefully) finish the curtains for the bedroom. I just have no idea of how to really do them "properly" so I'm guessing every step of the way. It'll all work out, though. Have to go take the front rack off of my bike, too - it's getting in M.'s way every morning when he leaves for work. I was kind of bitter when he asked me to take it off again this morning, but really it's no big deal - so why get bitter about it? I'll just remove it.

Wine gets bottled tomorrow. By me. Yep. I'm making wine. Me who doesn't even DRINK wine. But I cook with it, and it's cheaper this way, and it'll make good Christmas gifts (for those who DO drink wine). Heh.

Been thinking alot lately about how to get funding to start a small arts-based business in Nelson. I'll be doing research online, try to find grants and government funding to start a studio/teaching/gallery space. It'd be amazing to have a little coffee shop/bookstore out of the space, too.... or next to it? I think I have to figure out how to make a business plan first of all -- then I can apply for funding or investors of some kind. I doubt I can manage to get a studio together on my own... but we shall see. Three years of school will put me in a bit of debt... (more than I have already) but it will also teach me TONS about what I need to know to both run a craft based business and to do the crafting itself.

I'm ready. Let's get started.

For fun... The Friday Five:

1. Are you going to school this year?
Yes. Damn, it still seems strange to type that. =)

2. If yes, where are you going (high school, college, etc.)? If no, when did you graduate?
Kootenay School of the Arts: Centre for Craft and Design

3. What are/were your favorite school subjects?
In high school they were Biology, English, Band, Art and P.E.. This being my first year at KSA, I have no idea what my favourite subjects will be, but I'll bet it'll be the clay studio.

4. What are/were your least favorite school subjects?
Math.

5. Have you ever had a favorite teacher? Why was he/she a favorite?
I've had a few "favourites". Grade 6. Mr. Jamieson. He'll always stick out as a teacher that was amazing. He was fairly new to teaching and hadn't yet been jaded by the system like all the other teachers that I'd had up until that point. He taught us games and played them with us, sang us songs that he wrote himself and inspired us to think globally and act locally. We went through all the garbage cans on the upper floor of our school and separated the recyclables, the compostables and the true garbage. We all went to McDonald's and left the styrofoam packaging on the counter saying, "No thank you, I don't want this part.". He had a contest to see who could keep an ice cube from melting for one day without using mechanical refridgeration - my friend Jan won and took me to McDonald's with her and "Dr. J". All in all, I remember him the most fondly.

My clay teacher Veronica at the Richmond Potter's Club was a beautiful and inspiring person - she moved from China, went to school in the Maritimes and made amazing and beautiful pottery - and she always had a ready smile, laugh and helping hand. I can't wait to hook up with her once I'm done with school... see what she's up to!

I wonder who will be my favourite at KSA? So much new to learn!

Home again and things are going well. There were some moments of angst as my "expectations" for what my greeting would be when I got home weren't "met". Stupid expectations. Having them and giving them power over me sure makes life miserable! I realize that I have a man who loves me VERY much. We talked yesterday... and it was good. Emotional needs are even more important that physical needs in my world - and even harder to meet. The problem is (I think) that part of me is still worried that this new life direction isn't "legitimate"... I feel guilty about the fact that I will be going to school for three years to learn to do something that I love to do. Pretty messed up, no? Pretty normal, too - considering the way I was brought up and the way I react to the world. "I'm wrong, everybody else is right." Is pretty much my normal state of being. I'm working on realizing and altering that. I can also hardly wait for school to start so that I have a more scheduled existence for a while. I"m ready to work hard at it and divvy up the household stuff. So's Matthew. He envies me going to school, but he totally feels it's legitimate. He rocks.

And on the weight loss front... things have slowed down (cuz I've been eating too much level two) but I am now down another 5 lbs! 170/150/140!! Ten more to go! I've been strictly level one the last two days and I will be for the next few weeks. No cheesecake, even - cuz I've found that slows my weight loss. I will make it just before school, however - cuz it's great to take in a lunch and I'll be walking to school every day. I do have to come up with something yummy to take for lunch. I wonder if the school has a microwave or something I can use to heat up a hot lunch? I guess we'll see.

It's way too early, but I'm going HOME! Approximately 14 hours and 15 minutes from now we should be pulling in to Nelson's Greyhound Terminal... as long as the forest fires don't change our route... otherwise, it'll be even longer.

Time for breakfast, load the cab and head on down to the bus station.

I'm looking forward to my own bed, my own home, my dog and my love. (not necessarily in that order).

Such strange dreams these last few days. All about sexual tension and all with people I have never had any feelings for in the past, including one woman. All the dreams were erotic but not explicit, I don't know if I've ever had an explicit dream. I think all my sex dreams have been the erotic variety. Charged with sexual tension, but never ever including even so much as a naked breast. I distinctly remember someone stroking my back oh-so-tenderly, gently up and down my spine. Setting me on fire. And kissing, lots of intense and passionate kissing. I wonder what brought these dreams on?

Missing Matthew? Oh yes. I think so. I'm going home tomorrow.

I'm feeling quite run-down after a week of city life. I must have caught a minor bug on the bus... ever since Wednesday night I've been feeling like a cold-bug is trying to beat me up. Every morning I wake up feeling better, but with a scratchy voice that tells me I'll feel worse by evening.

Despite this, I've done some shopping (new shoes, new climbing harness, new watch, new fleece pants) and have plans to hit the PNE... though what day, I don't know. Maybe I'll leave here on Tuesday, though I've been planning for Monday all along. That way I could PNE on Monday... but maybe I'll just go down there and sell my ride pass to someone else who can use it. I just want ot go to the PNE and see the shows, the prize home and the superdogs. Maybe grab a bite to eat, too. Heh. I could do those things by myself, even if it would be more fun with a group.

Still waiting to hear back from friend Arc and his cuter half about whether or not tonight or Sunday works for them best at Granville Island for the Wooden Boat show.

Busy, busy city. I want to go home soon and get some rest!

Wow - this blogger thing sure looks different on a MAC... I'm visiting in Vancouver and had a Grand Day Out with JJ - the 2 year old son of my friends and hosts - so they could clean and pack and just have an overall productive day. It was awesome. =) Lots of driving, and lots of traffic... man am I glad I live in Nelson, now - so peaceful.

At any rate.. I have to call Ari lest she think I forgot her so we can organize a dance night out. That ought to be fun!

Time to go eat dinner... I miss my love, my dog and my home in Nelson. Life is good.

A wonderful week with Ariosa in Nelson and now I'm heading down to Vancouver with her so I can go and help some friends of ours with their packing and moving to Kaslo. Whee. =)

We're working on the crap, by the way. I brought it up and we're both willing to admit we have crap. That's the first step. Being willing to admit that we need help with our crap is an awesome second step. We'll make it.

Sometimes I wonder why I put up with your crap. I know I have crap of my own, you sometimes put up with it and sometimes don't... sometimes my crap triggers yours or vice versa. Still, I sometimes wonder why I put up with your crap. There is so much positive in our lives for you to be so negative all the time. I care about you so much... I WANT you so much... but I don't feel that coming back from you, except ever so seldom and usually it's when I ask you to tell me, or show me... and even then it doesn't happen each time I ask. Why does my heart break when I look at you and feel so much desire for you? Because I don't think the feeling is reciprocated. Maybe it is, but I sure don't feel it. Why not? I look at a stranger, admiring a tattoo, or the line of a muscle... and I get more joy. That's not right. What can I do to stop feeling this way?

Friends and family galore invading our home... and I'm loving it. We went down to the lakeside today and swam and sunned and lolled and laughed. It was fun and relaxing. It's great when you live in a place that people come to for vacation. You get to spend time unwinding with all your guests. Anyone else want to come visit? We'll have a free bed in a couple of days... =) Ariosa and M's sister's family are here. It's nice to cook for people. Make ice cream for people. Go to Baker Street and Lakeside Park with people. Share the peace and small-town-ness with people. There are, however, three small forest fires burning in the near vicinity. They seem to be well in hand, so no worries. We'll keep checking the news to make sure we don't have to go anywhere. That'd suck. I'd best pay my insurance, now, hm? Tomorrow. For certain.

e. What fun.

Don't you just hate it when you're sitting there idling in IRC and suddenly an arm muscle you didn't even know you had starts twitching involuntarily? Sometimes it weirds me out, other times I try to figure out which muscle it is, just to have it stop twitching when I get close to figuring it out.

Ariosa is coming to visit me! Whee! She'll be here from the 9th until the ??th! We'll see how long she can handle us all here. We'll have other guests for part of the time, but she and I may just go play camp-out girls (or M and his neice will... we'll see). Anyway... should be wonderful fun.

I bought some school supplies today. First time in like... forever. Art supplies. Acrylics. Gouache. Conte. Things I had never heard of before that I will learn to use. Neat.

It rained today for the first time in at least a month... and the smell was incredible. You know that summer rain smell where the dry earth, plants and pavement just release the fresh incredible smell of "Thank you". I swear it's the earth having an orgasm after a long dry spell. Or maybe that's spring. Anyway it was awesome.

w00. Scale reads 155lbs today. That makes 5 more pounds lost. 170/155/140. It's slowed down a bit because I'm eating a few too many 'level two' meals. This week I went back to strictly 'level one' and things are progressing again. I think all that level one cheesecake kind of counts as 'level two'.

We were away in Kaslo this weekend, during Jazz fest, but not for it. Our friends have bought a lovely chunk of land there and are going through the hell of building a home. Not just any home, though - a timber frame home. I love timber frame. We met the timber framer that they will likely use if the money works out the way they hope and he's really neat. A true, honest to goodness, free spirit. He lives in a cabin in the woods with his wife - and it doesn't have a toilet... but it does have a lovely outhouse with a view of the creek. I hate outhouses, but I liked his. I guess it's just public outhouses that I hate. Kind of like public washrooms, though I don't have nearly the angst about those that I do about outhouses. I always feel like something is hiding in the dark down there waiting to try and crawl up and snatch me. Heh. But not in a good way. They have buff orpington chickens that are very happy and healthy looking and a garden of veggies surrounded by a tall fence to keep the deer out. I want.

The weekend was tough for me, partly because I feel out of place amongst the talented and wealthy enough to buy property and build a house couple that we went with... I feel like they're Matthew's friends, not mine... but it's not true. I also started bleeding at the beginning of their visit AND was being strict with my diet while all around me there was ice cream and pizza. Every day. Bastards. I was also fighting with some expectations that Matthew would act differently towards me, coddle me more, baby me more... snuggle me more, hold my hand more... things that to me mean that he loves me. How stupid. He loves me. He tells me, when I ask... when I wonder if I'm just in the way and he'd rather be alone with the couple... he tells me he wouldn't want to be there without me. Being there with me is what makes it. Instead of sulking and letting the grumpies set in, I just have to ask. I wish I didn't have to ask, though... *sigh* Expectations rule my world. At least I'm aware of it.

Got my welcome package for school in the mail yesterday. Today I will go out and price the supply list that they sent me at the two stores in town where I can get supplies... and then buy them at the cheapest place. I should figure out a budget so I know how little money I will have, too. Gah. I think I'm going to have to try to find a part time job. Harder than it sounds around these parts.

Off I go to price things. And put laundry away. And stuff.

I'm a generally unfuckwitted, liberal, not-too-generous, not-too-selfish, relatively well adjusted human being!
What are you?
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Welcome to my haircut blog. My back pain is minimal now, more a discomfort, really - and I was able to hobble on down to StreetFest for the remaining two days. The ill-gotten gains: A didgeridoo for me and one for Matthew, a flute and a quena for me, a loon call for Matthew and a sarong set for me. It's tie dyed two shades of blue - very beautiful and the sarong is so comfy. I'm going to make a few of my own. How easy!

In other news... another 5 lbs gone! I'm now down to 160. Hooray! I told you I'd only post every 5 lbs... and if I only post every week or so... this means you get weight news every 2 posts... well so be it! I made a 'legal' cheesecake yesterday.... my first attempt at something 'sweet' for a desert treat. It's yummy. I think it tastes great, M thinks it's a bit 'tart' for his taste... I guess not having sugar for 3 weeks will make anything taste sweet. Heh. I'll be making curried chicken at home tonight, though I discovered a new Indian restaurant in town! I'll have to check them out... no rice for me, though. This weight loss thing is working. I'm not going to mess with it. I want to be the same weight I was at 23. So far so good.

I finally got off my butt and worked with clay today. I built a coil pot that I will hopefully grow some herbs in over the winter. It's simple and wobbly, but it's my first one since about grade 3. I can't wait for school to start.

I'm tired, though... there's been a heat wave here the last week or so - it's been around 37 degrees Celsius every day. I'm enjoying it, but I think it's nap time... or soap milling time... we'll see.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

I put my back out. It was stupid, really... I guess the way most 'I put my back out' stories are... I was standing my bike up after lying it down to sit and watch a performance at StreetFest (OMG FUN!) and KEEE-RUNCH - agonizing pain. As I lowered myself to the ground as slowly and gently as I could while in excruciating pain, I knew there was no way I was getting up any time soon. A nice volunteer named Guy called 911 and I got a ride in an ambulance. I suppose I'll have to pay for that 2.5 minute ride to the hospital. Suck. I hear it's $120 bucks. Huge suck. The upside is - nothing is out of place, it's spasming and they gave me fun drugs (valium and T3s) to ease the pain until it works itself out. They are working marginally at this point, but rest and more drugs should do the trick in 2-7 days. If this post isn't all that coherent... well, blame the valium.

Before the back incident, I was REALLY enjoying StreetFest. I bought myself some practice poi (with green and purple streamers!) and a quena - a south american notched flute made by a local craftsman. I also bought a digeriedoo. Two, in fact. One for Matthew for Christmas (Merry Christmas in July!) and a smaller one for me. I'm looking forward to playing and practicing - I want music in my life that comes from our family. =-) On the bright side - with the back problem I'll have lots of time to practice. ;-) I still want to go down to Streetfest at least once more and talk to the flute maker about the range of the instrument... and maybe buy an actual rennaissance flute that you play sideways, too. I know. I'm bad. I'm not buying myself any new clothes until I finish shrinking... and I shouldn't even buy THESE things... but here I am, buying them, anyway. =) I'll enjoy them. I already have enjoyed the quena - I played it (quietly) while lying in the emergency ward. Fun!

Anyway... drugs. Good. Back pain. Bad. Coherence. Missing. Methinks I'm going to go veg on the couch and play my new quena for a while.

The memorial service yesterday was really beautiful. There were a lot of tears shed, including my own... even though I didn't know "Uncle" very well, he meant so much to Carla and she was in so much pain, that I took some of it into myself and expressed it. It was a tiring day - emotionally draining.

This weekend we will be heading to Vancouver for a whirlwind tour. Leave Nelson on Friday at 11:30am and leave Vancouver on Saturday night after M's course. Yow. Lucky for me, they'll drop me off at my parents' house and pick me up when they're done the course.

I started Somersizing last week. I've lost 5lbs so far. My pants fit better, again. This rocks. Food has always been my problem. Sugar most certainly has been. I have yet to find a Splenda sweetened drink to satisfy my sweet drink craving.... I will not do Aspartame. I just can't. I've heard too many bad things about it. This diet isn't low fat at all. It's low carb. I eat fruit and some whole-grain carbs with skim milk for breakfast and then I go for proteins and fats with veggies for the rest of the day. It's amazing how I'm losing weight. I don't even miss the sugar -- and I have been a HUGE slurpee, iced tea, jam on toast fiend for ever. These were the things that were causing me to gain weight. Going to 'low-fat' substitutes only added more carbs and sugar to my diet... which made the weight gain worse. Anyway. If anyone has any questions about what I'm doing diet-wise, just post in my guestbook and I'll answer you... otherwise I won't bore you to death with every pound. Maybe just every 5lbs, okay?.... only 25 more to go to goal weight.

Early yesterday morning Carla's Uncle passed away suddenly in her arms. They were very close. All I want is to be there for her. I will be.

The sea of storms has calmed since last I wrote. The weekend brought a bicycle trip to Salmo - about 55km. Far for our first ride... and most of it along the old Burlington Northern rail line that runs through Nelson, Ymir and Salmo. It was a bit bumpy on the bum, but the scenery, the clean air and the peacefulness compared to taking the highway made it a trip to soothe the soul. It was also soothing because we got to Salmo on our own steam and had the option to leave whenever we wanted to. It felt like I was more in control, more powerful in the situation. Equal. I didn't feel like I was a burden, and I felt like we had a say in how things went... it seems weird because things are never forced or nasty out there... but that small sense of being "empowered" did wonders for my psyche.

Yesterday I spent most of the day with an old Basset Hound named Willy. He was trundling down the street at about 8:50 am as I was watering the garden. The middle of the street. With no human friend in sight. I grabbed him, persuaded him up the stairs with cookies and a leash and he turned out to be a real sweetheart. He talked a lot. That groaning, grumpy, huffy, deep-whine of a talk... which was very cute. We posted signs, called the SPCA, the vets... nobody had reported him missing. We were just about to settle down for the night to watch "The Pianist" when I saw someone pull up and tear down the sign we'd put up accross the street. Willy's Mom. They had been away so they hadn't been missing him and our signs had been up since before they got home so the worry on their end was far less than ours. Willy wiggled like crazy when he saw her and sang for us when he got into the car. It was adorable. I should have gotten a picture of him. *sniffle*

Today is the day to clear out the stuff we're sending to the Sally Ann. And the paper recycling. And get this place cleaned up and creative. I have to go talk to our landlady and see if she'll drive us downtown with all the junk. Off I go.

How morbid and depressing I can be. I'm trying to make a list of things to do today... and I'm torn between getting out to Salmo because I said I would and staying here and doing whatever. I think I'd like to ride out there tomorrow morning with Matthew. We can do it if we leave early enough. I can spend today finishing my stained glass, cleaning up that table area, packing and then doing whatever needs doing around here. Maybe I'll sketch... I haven't in too long. Practice makes perfect..... no, not perfect, but practice makes art. Without it, I just think about making art, and that doesn't accomplish anything.

Another sleepless night. Perhaps tonight I will take the plunge and make some sleepytime tea. Though not yet.... too much pondering going on. Some of it, I hope, coming to good. More and more and more of the overwhelming feelings of the weekend washing over me. To the point of getting into a state that I have not been in since I was in my teens. Absolutely overwhelemd. Numb. Feeling separated from everything else in the universe except what was going on in my own head. Which wasn't pretty.

I'm sure it's regression. I'm sure it's due to meeting my birth family and going back to the "trying to fit in" feeling of my teens. But I think there's something more there, too. Feeling not good about myself to the point of walking into the bathroom and suddenly wondering how much blood would drip from my arms were I to slash them with an exacto isn't normal, even for me. I seem to think it's a big secret that I don't think I'm good enough - but I'm always hinting at it... asking for approval.. checking in with my honey to be sure he's not going to leave me... it's become worse because of the regression, I think.

The one good thing in all of this is that I am able to look at it, once the feelings of numbness pass, and seriously say to myself. I am going to go get some help with this. I can't do it on my own, but I CAN do it.

I lied, there are two good things in all of this. The above, and the fact that M. is totally willing to come with me on this trip to figure out why I feel this way. For us.

He rocks. We'll make it.

This weekend was a multitude of feelings and emotions. I feel like I'm 15 all over again. I'm visiting with my birth family more and more.. this weekend, our 'nuclear' famliy was all together in the same place for the very first time. It was a farewell party for my birth sister Candy. Birth mom, birth dad, birth sisters... all together. As I always have done, I was trying to fit in. Why do I do this? Why have I ALWAYS done this? Why has it NEVER, not once, not EVER... felt like I actually belonged despite my efforts? Is this a feeling that is life-long for adoptees? I don't fit with my adoptive family, I don't fit with my birth family. I don't fit ANYWHERE. Even in my relationship... I don't feel like I "belong". I feel like, through no fault of my own, everything good that happens will eventually come to an end. I will live my life full of memories. Memories of what was, memories of dreams. I will live my life as a fraction of what it could be. Who am I? Where do I belong? Maybe I'm too scared to let myself belong anywhere. Always the chameleon. Changing my colour to fit that of those around me. Some have called me 'original'. I don't. In my mind, I'm the biggest fraud there is.

There are moments, fragments of my life, where I don't feel this way. When I know, definitively, what purpose it is I have devised for myself, when I experience life from a place of strength and certainty. I thought that meeting my birth family would be one of those... instead I find myself a child again. A teenager - but with no rules. I can drink, smoke pot... do anything at all as I flail through the emotions, the doubts and the death of dreams. Coming to terms with the reality of a family that I never knew. An origin that is shared. An experience that is not.

Maybe that is the work of reunion? Maybe that is the experience of reunion. It is my experience. Is that where I belong? In my own experience?

Wheee! I did it. I bought the wringer washer. I paid for it today, now I'm just searching for a way to get it here without paying $25 for delivery. It's a speed queen, model 26-231W. I want to find out more about it, like when it was made, get a manual for it, stuff like that... and I can hardly wait to use it!! Oh the bliss.... clean clothes and not having to cart them downtown to the laundromat. I'm not quite sure how we're going to dry sheets during the winter... but we'll figure something out. Probably on the line that M. rigged in the spare room - so far it's only been used to dry my tent - but well-wrung sheets should be no problem. The price was more than $75, but it will still be paid for in less than 1/2 year of going to the laundromat. Happiness...

This weekend brings going to Salmo again. My birth-sister Candy is moving to Calgary at the end of the month and this is her 'farewell party'. It should prove to be a raucous good time. Hope M. has fun with me, he's not usually into that kind of scene - neither am I, but I think I'm more adaptable that way.

Why, oh why, is it that people who have animals love to put cheezy midi files on their website? That pretty much tops the list of things I can't stand... that and pop-ups. Thank goodness I never thought either were a good idea on my own websites.

Epona.com is coming along. Now to photograph my pottery and get it up there. A project for a day with 4 hours of sleep? Hmm... I might have to think about that one... maybe while I have a nap.

Can't sleep. I don't know if it's because I worked on the computer all day or because I'm wishing my honey had seduced me tonight instead of farting off to bed (literally).

Had a laundry kind of day today.. which was good. It needed doing. MAN do things dry FAST when it's this hot out! Luckily for me, it stays really, really cool in the basement suite we're in. I have to put on a fleece to keep warm if I'm not moving around much - even on the hottest days. After doing laundry I happened to notice a sign saying "Farm fresh eggs $3" in the appliance repair shop next to the laundromat. I went in to buy some and on a whim I asked them if they knew where I could get a wringer washer. They have one in their shop. They think it's $75 and they know it works. Someone is going to call me back with a confirmation on the price.

Now.... I know this may seem weird, but hey... this is me I'm talking about here... I really, REALLY want a wringer washer. You know, the old fashioned kind that has a big wringer on the top and you run your clothes through it to squeeze the water out. There are a number of reasons for this, probably none of which will stop you from going "WTF?! WHY??!" but I'm going to list them anyway. It's late. I'm suffering from insomnia. You've been warned.

1. Wringer washers use less water. You can do all your loads of laundry with the same wash water before you have to drain the tank.
2. Wringer washers use less time - you only have to agitate long enough to get your clohtes clean, not for the entire 'cycle' of a regular machine. The dirtier, the longer. You decide.
3. Wringer washers use less detergent (one batch of wash water for all loads)
4. They're smaller than 'normal' washing machines.
5. They're cheaper than 'normal washing machines. (to buy, fix and run)
6. They look cool.

At any rate... if the price truly is $75 and the shop will deliver... then I think I'll be buying it to do laundry with. It sure beats handwashing and trying to wring enough water out of the clothes to have them dry in this cold basement in less than four days...

Back to surfing... Wish I could sleep.

I've been working on www.epona.com this morning... so far - it's going well... at least I think so. Now all I have to do is add some content. Heh. Isn't that always the way?

I'm going to use it as a creative site - journalling and displaying my creative journey. I'll still use this for my personal rants and raves. I figure on having sections for pottery, photographs and other creative persuits... we'll see how it goes. It's not up, yet... but if you ask nicely, I can certainly give you a sneak preview. =) I'm trying to find a way to put my email address on the website without getting a mega-ton of spam and without having it impossible for newbie users to successfully email me...

At any rate... I'm also trying to get my favourite digital photos up and take some nice photos of the pottery that I'm not ashamed of and put that up there as well... poetry and short stories to come...

I've been working on www.epona.com this morning... so far - it's going well. Remarkably well. Now all I have to do is add some content. Heh. Isn't that always the way? I'm going to use it as a creative site - journalling and displaying my creative journey. With sections for pottery, photographs and other creative persuits... we'll see how it goes. It's not up, yet... but if you ask nicely, I can certainly give you a sneak preview. =) I'm trying to find a way to put my email address on the website without getting a mega-ton of spam and without having it impossible for newbie users to successfully email me...

I lost my post yesterday that said "We're in Vancouver"... so here's the shorter version in a recap. We're in Vancouver for the wedding of a childhood friend of Matthew's. The wedding was beautiful - in Stanley Park at The Pavillion and I met a lot of the people that Matthew grew up with in the Slocan Valley. Today we slept in like crazy and then had brunch with my parents. I surprised my mom with my new short haircut - yes, I did it, I cut off the dreads. As much as I loved the look - they were just so not practical for the lifestyle that I lead... going hiking in tick infested forests when you have a 124 nappy dreads isn't the smartest idea... plus they are way warm in the summer, PLUS I can't wear my horseback riding helmet with them... so it was time for them to go. I'm glad I did have them, though - I would have regretted not having done it at least once in my life.

Anyway lunch was great - we then picked up some dogfood and we're now on our way down to the Greyhound station to catch our overnight bus to Nelson. We get there at 5:10 AM... we leave at 6PM. One hour shorter than the ride down here. Heh.

At any rate... I hope this post works - if not I'll be updating from home with even fewer details. ;-)

We're in Nelson. Move was smooth as silk (though we have WAY too much "stuff" - don't even get me started on that one.) I love Nelson, the hills, the shops, the mountains, the wilderness, the civic centre movie theatre that shows one movie per week (or so). =-) This week is Matrix Reloaded - we went to see X2 the week before last. We're walking and biking everywhere and loving it. I don't feel homesick for the Lower Mainland at all - I wonder if I will? I probably won't because I can still call my Mom and Dad whenever I want to and my whole "immediate" family is here, already... Matthew, Rainy and Wave... and all of our "stuff". Gah. Time for another garage sale.

I met my birth dad on the weekend and I can really see where I get a fair bit of who I am and what I look like. Wow. I have a pic of the two of us together for those of you who are interested. Email me. Same bat time. Same bat channel. (telus.net, fools!)

Anyway.. updating this thing isn't what I want to be doing right now. We're expecting company in about an hour's time - they're driving up from Vancouver. Whee! Full house! Then we're heading to Vancouver by Greyhound on Friday night for a wedding on Saturday. We'll probably be back on Tuesday morning.

Things are coming together for the move... Pretty much the only thing that isn't packed is my computer. Heh. Go figure. ;-) It's our entertainment centre and connection to the world right now, but soon it, too will be relegated to bubble wrap and cardboard for a few days. ADSL is available where we're moving but it won't be ready until about a week after our phone line is hooked up on the 29th... so no internet for us for a week or so. Eep.

Ah well. All is good. So if you can't find me for a few days or I don't answer (hmm... what else is new, eh?) I'll be back online and checking my telus email soon.

The adventure continues...

The haxor handle of Heather is "Sex0r Dr3am".

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Hee! Ali told a fib. She did share the Kim goodness with me - for a lovely stroll and lunch on The Drive. I'm very thankful, since they rescued me from my brain which was getting a bit fractured and more than usually odd as the result of packing for such an extended period. I'm now full of burger and salad goodness, refreshed from their presence and our walk and ready to tackle it again. A few more hours and I'll head out for some Easter Turkey dinner at Matthew's mom's place. =) Better get cracking. We're loading the truck one week from today. Eep!

So things never go as we expect them to. Thank goodness! I expected the worst when I went over to my parents' house yesterday... and though it was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do, it really had better results than I could have hoped for. I feel closer to my parents than I ever have before. They now know *everything*. There's nothing that I'm hiding anymore. It seems there always has been... and now it's clear that they're my parents and I can love and trust them as I've always wanted to. And even though they have told me that they do not want to have contact with the birth family... they're not mad that I will continue to do so.

In other amazing news, I've been accepted to KSA for first year studies! Whee! Now to figure out where the money to live and study is going to come from.

Did anyone think that I'd ever be here? I didn't. Happy. Moving to Nelson, job lined up, apartment lined up, engaged to be married, registering for school in the fall??! Amazing. Blessed Be.

Well. I'm home in Vancouver. I can barely believe the whirlwind weekend we've had. We left Friday afternoon around 3:00 and arrived in Salmo at 12:30 - long drive with lots of anticipation on my part of what we were headed into. There were so many emotions and feelings and things going on - it feels as though we've been gone two weeks. The short results are: I met my birth Mother, my full sister and her partner, my neices, my nephew, my birth Grandmother and birth Aunt and we all had dinner together. Matthew and I both got jobs and we found a basement suite to live in underneath what we think will be a great landlord and neighbour. I had my admissions interview at KSA and it went swimmingly well. I'll hear if I'm accepted in the next few weeks.

To quote a dear and loveable person named Ali, "Oh my word!".

I can't begin to describe the emotions that are running through me. I'm overwhelmed with the fear, the doubt, the worry and the anxiety about telling my Mom and Dad tomorrow about ALL of the goings on this weekend (they already know about the job and the apartment part) plus the stress of the fact that I have way less than absolutely no money until a few weeks after I start work up there.

Matthew just called. He rocks. We'll make it through this together. I'm still stressed, but not overwhelmed. I love you, Matthew. OMG. So much.

We're going.

Yes, the interview in Nelson is this coming Monday... not last Monday... and combined with the stress of a job interview, comes not one but TWO delightful passtimes... First, Meeting the Birth Mother (and family). I'm ready, though. I'm glad I've already met Carla and they all have pictures of me etc etc etc... makes things much easier. Then there's the job interview, and after the job interview there will be the tour of the school I want to go to and the admissions interview complete with portfolio presentation. Yikes. Ok. Gadzooks.

I'll be fine, really.

We leave in 25 minutes.

Got my domain back for another year.. whew. =) Not that I'm using it for anything... Dur. Anyway....

Life is throwing big things at me and I'm responding, most of the time. I've just signed up for the Trout Lake Pottery Club.. and it looks like I may not be able to use the studio time for much longer. Matthew has an interview in Nelson on Monday and I do, too. It's crazy how fast things are swirling. We finally got this place unpacked and sorted and liveable and now it might be time to pack it all up again and get it up to Nelson. I guess we'll see... things are as they are.

I'm in a slump in my SELP project... I don't think I've mentioned that project on here, yet... it's the Landmark Self Expression and Leadership Program - and my project is a Raku firing on the beach for beginner potters. I feel like I should be working on it... and yet I am stopping myself. I just want to move up to Nelson and go to school... but school doesn't start until Semptember and I haven't even gotten IN yet. The SELP course ends in June...

Meh.

So much to do... test some things on the computer to see what's causing the evil and annoying intermittent alarm, the rest of the dishes, some laundry... all the mundane things of life... and all I want to do right now is go to the pottery studio. ;-) I think that starting Monday, that's just what I'll do for the rest of the week. See how much I can accomplish at this stage in a week's worth of working in the studio. Time to add some more water to my clay to get it soft enough to throw and extrude. Big plans. Big, big plans.

My domain has gone offline and I can't figure out how to renew it! I'm trying through register.com... but so far no word at my admin address. Eep. That means that for the time being, I only have epona1-at-telus-dot-net as my email address. So update accordingly. Cool. Cool.

I know how Ali feels. I've just never quite given up on this blog thing... mainly because no one online would know what was up with my life and partly because, when needed, this outlet is FANTASTIC for ranting and raving. I find I do a whole lot less ranting and raving these days, though... and just more living and loving life. Time to get showered and drive to Maple Ridge to paint the room there back to Rental Beige. Pottery tonight. Whee!

By the way, in case I've never told you, M stands for Matthew. He's the love of my life.

Ali came and visited yesterday - which was fun and mellow... she and M. and Rainy and I wandered up Commercial and grabbed Chai Lattes from Starbucks. You really can see *every* kind of person imaginable on Commercial Drive -- and so we people watched and window shopped. It was good.

Then went to a family birthday party - that at the time, frankly, I didn't want to go to. I'd never met any of the people that were going to be there (other than M.'s mom and sister and niece) and I didn't feel like sharing my soul with everyone - or so I thought until I met them. They're all really easy-going and cool - and I enjoyed myself thoroughly. We got into talk about the world and pending war, our political system and tons of other things... it was really a lot of fun. Great people. So glad I'm gonna be a part of this for the rest of my life. =)

Spoke to Carla yesterday - my birth half sister. She's going to be down again on Thursday - we're going to hook up - probably Friday... since I have an appointment on Thursday night with the Potter's club... and it's my birthday... wow... one whole year of being 30 flashed by so quickly. So much happened... and it's been completely fantastic overall. 30 is amazing. I highly reccommend it.


Off to start the day.

She *is* sweet. And she brought me pictures! I have pictures of people who I resemble!! I'm in shock. There were surprisingly very few tears... mostly smiles and talking and looking at photo albums. She had an appointment to get to, and I have class tonight, so we parted around 1:00... I saw her tear up a bit as she left the restaurant... I had photo albums to pack up and cart off. My birth mom sent down some photos, including her wedding photo with my Birth Dad. Wow!

I was nervous before the meeting, so I headed to the store and picked up a bouquet of flowers for her... she brought me some Body Shop stuff which was very sweet. She gave me a photo album with pictures of my birth realtives, including her, my full sister, my half-sister, my 2 nieces, my nephew, my Grandmother, great grandmother, grandfather, aunt... wow. It's amazing to look at pictures of people who I am physically related to, when I've never been able to do that my entire life.

M. was able to take a long lunch and meet us at the restaurant - which was wonderful. My half sister is is beautiful, slender with long legs, big gorgeous eyes, red hair and an infectious smile. I saw videos of her foal and all her horses, and I saw pictures of everyone imaginable. I can hardly wait to visit them.

Her beau is the cousin of a girl that I went to school with. It's a crazy small world! They're staying at her brother's place out in Burnaby. Wow. I'm overwhelmed. I'll have to document this some place else, some other time... cuz I'm too stunned to write coherently right now.

I'm going to meet my half-sister and her beau today. At 11:00. M.'s coming, too. Yay! She sure seems sweet on the phone... I just hope I don't phlegm all over her. Nasty. Nasty. Cold. Yick.

This was to post from yesterday... silly blogger. =)

I've had so much to post lately, and silly me -- was over filling the blogger buffer and it wouldn't publish. Heh. So here's the short version.

The call went well on the 17th. Amazingly well. I know it's probably the "first blush" stage of a new relationship... but the connection is undoubtably there. Since the 2 and a half hour call with my B-Mom, I have also spoken to my half sister Carla (for about an hour and a half) - she tried searching for me last year, though things didn't get completed, and now I've found them... so it's all good. She'll be driving in to Vancouver tonight, and depending on how I'm feeling physically, we may meet up tomorrow for lunch and a photo exchange. I've been sick the last two days... nasty cold... keeping me up at night... so we'll see. I don't want to pass it on!

The move is going well... Slowly but surely. We moved all the crap I had out of storage and had the yard sale that I mentioned last post. We were selling things ridiculously cheap... and it paid off. Got rid of most of what we didn't need, and got some money to boot! Trying to get EI... got a notice from them that they're " looking into " my claim and "a decision will be made, soon". Meh. Hope it goes my way. I'll fight for it. Cuz, really, my leaving was mutual.

Sunday we went to Granville Island and picked up the clay mural by Bob Kingsmill. It's gorgeous. Just what I'd hoped for and more. I keep looking at it on our wall and thinking - my God, it's beautiful! Not only is it beautiful in itselft, but the fact that it's my engagement present (rather than the ring) makes it even more beautiful to me. The day was gorgeous and sunny, the air was crisp and clear and overall it was glorious.. until I got sick that evening... but we'll just wipe that part out of our memories, shall we? Yes. We shall. I have pictures of it, but I'm not at a computer that can hook up to my camera, so they'll have to wait until I am in Maple Ridge.

I'm working on writing down all my feelings and experiences with the adoption reunion... maybe I'll put it all in a book, one day?

That's all for now. I'm not feeling very well... the couch, some jell-o and a few DVDs ought to put me right to sleep. *snortle*

Ali's comin' up. w00t!

Continued from the 17th...

After the yard sale, dinner and re-arranging furniture last night, all my fears and expectations weighed in and took their toll on my tired mind. I felt overwhelmed, anxious, and absolutely deathly afriad of speaking to her today. Here ends my fantasy birth mother and begins a real human being. My REAL birth mother. I have no idea what to expect, and yet my fantasy birth mother is lingering in my mind with all of the expectations that fantasy includes. Those expectations don't mean that she is going to be the way I expect. The fear doesn't mean that there is actually anything to be afraid of. All they mean is that I have expectations, and that I'm feeling afraid. Period. End of story.

After those realizations, I was able to feel a bit better about things, not nearly so overwhelmed, not nearly so freaked out and out of control... I still felt afraid. I still had expectations, but I KNEW they didn't mean anything, and I could just let them be there... and then see what REALLY happened when we spoke.

I'm ready. Still afraid. Still full of expectations... but I'm ready.

This should have been posted on the 17th... but blogger would not co-operate until NOW. Grr.

Yard sale yesterday. After the amalgamation of two households by moving all my stuff out of storage, we had a lot of extra CRAP! Very tiring after being up until about 3AM with the play on Saturday and then the after-play get together at the director's house. Great bunch of people... talented AND fun. I'll miss them with the move to Vancouver. :-/

On Saturday afternoon just before I had to leave to get to the play setup, the social worker called me. My birth-mom had called her wondering how to get in touch with me, becuase she had called - she called last Monday and left a message with her mom's number on it. She has no phone. I dropped the ball somewhat and didn't call her back. I wrote, eventually, on Thursday night and mailed the letter on Friday. My excuse was that I didn't want to talk to my birth Grandmother first, I wanted to talk to HER first. Just an excuse. Since I had to leave the house in about 15 minutes, I asked if we could schedule something for Monday... I would be free, any time. We've arranged for me to call her at 1:00PM, at her mom's, today.

So many emotions have been running through me. Last night I FULLY realized what is going to happen to me today. Today, I am going to speak with my birth mother. I am actually going to hear HER voice on the phone and get to know how she expresses herself, whether she likes me or not... though I'll always have doubts on that front, I'm sure. I never really believe *anyone actually likes me. Not completely, anyway. I'm pretty sure this stems from being adopted. I have no idea what else will come of this conversation... we'll learn tons about each other, I'm sure.

Been figuring out what to do about the logistics of moving. Getting stuff out of storage before the 13th so as not to have to pay for another month, figuring out packing and when/how to move things from my brother's place to M.'s place, figuring out how to get cheap/free paint to paint my bedroom there before I leave.... all before the end of the month, while fitting in several rehersals and performances of "Eat Your Heart Out" with the Emerald Pig Theatrical Society as well as attending seminars and pottery classes.

Whew!

Not to mention finding work.

I have also finally heard from Family Services about my b-mom. I now know that this summer I was probably right accross the street from where she lives during my travels to the Kootenays.

Amazing.

I don't know if I'm pushing the impact of this news down or if the biggest impact (aside from actual contact with her) hit when I was informed that they'd found her, and that I have a full sister and a half sister...

So much to think about there, but I'm trying hard not to OVER think it - I don't want to stick any huge expectations on the meeting or on who she is, who they are, how I'll fit in, if I'll fit in... but I really can't help doing it. At least I realize that all they are is 'expectations' and they are no indication of what the reality will be.

Busy weeks ahead even without a job, though money will become an issue fairly soon. *sigh* Why can't I just be paid millions just to be the wonderful human being that I am? *cough*

How different has life turned out to be than I thought it would last March? I was ready to buy my own place/give up everything and travel/be on my own forever and ever amen.... and none of that has happened. I'm still changing and growing... I still miss George at times - mainly because his new woman has taken him away from me and made him see it as "weird" that we would still be friends. He made the choice to tell me how weird he now thinks it is, though... ah well. I vow to not initiate contact this time... but to wait and see what happens. He'll always have a friend here should he need one but the energy I've been putting into maintaining our friendship is costing me too much... up to him, now.

Instead of remaining single and becoming an old maid, I met M. He changed my mind about the being single thing by being so much like me. We share opinions, beliefs, hobbies, dreams..... so much.... and we're both at the same place in life. Not to mention that I think he's gorgeous. ;-) Big blue eyes, dark hair with big, loose curls, thick dark mysterious eyebrows, oh-so-kissable lips.... I could go on but I'm sure I already have at some time in this blog and I'd just be repeating myself. ;-)

Being engaged still doesn't seem real to me... I don't think it will seem real until we go and pick up our mural... is it just pre-engagement jitters? Is it the fact that life, once again, is upside down? The difference this time is that I know and can see the direction that I am headed. I know what I have accomplished by 2010. It's not just fluff any more.... though I still sit in inaction and don't go for it hardcore as I would like to be. Fear. Wimpy-ass fear. I can and will overcome it. I can and will accomplish something towards my future goals TODAY.

Better get on that. ;-)

Not feeling very motivated to find a new job this past week. Still not motivated to go out THIS week, either. Too much else going on. :-/

I'll be moving at the end of this month. Since M. and I will be engaged, my criteria for moving in together is satisfied and I will be moving back to Vancouver to share space with him and wonderful upstairs neighbours/landlords, too. I will miss this place, however. The yard rocks for Rainy, the house is cozy and sweet. The kitchen is large and functional... but I *will* have all my own kitchen supplies again, that'll make things better than they are there, now. ;-) We will also be able to paint and make it fun, funky and cozy the way I've made my room, here. Have to ask my roomies if they want me to paint that room back to beige (blah) before I go, or leave it as is. We shall see.

Things to do this coming month:

Find a job. Meh.
Do lighting for play. Whee!
Move things out of storage and into Vancouver.
Move me to Vancouver.
More pottery.
Make Soap. (I got a soap making kit for Christmas - belatedly yesterday...) and I just bought a great book from Value Village on soap making from scratch. Looks awesome and I plan to make lots. Expect soap, knitting (possibly) and pottery as Christmas gifts this year, folks. That's all you're getting!

Had a good visit with Mom learning and practicing the knit stitch for knitting... purl? perl? pearl? comes next... ;-) I'm slow and I add and drop stitches occasionally, but practice makes perfect. I have my Grandma's knitting needles and her knitting bag. It's very pretty, wicker-ish thing with bright coloured flowers all over one side. Very 60's my Mom says... Dunno, I wasn't around for those.

After the Mom and Dad visit, I went over to my honourary aunt and uncle's place. They're more like great friends of mine than friends of my Mom and Dad's... we talked about life, my Mom, my Dad, my wonderful M and a whole host of other things. We ate freshly baked scones and had tasty soup and when I wondered why I was yawning so much and checked my watch discovered that it was 10 minutes to midnight and I'd been there since around 4:15!! Time flies when you spend it with wonderful people.

Hum. How much more haircut can I be? I'll stop now and post again when I'm more inspired.

Much has happened since last post.

I have completed the Landmark Education Advanced Course. Mind blowing... that's all I can say. That work is really helping me to focus on what is important to me in life. Happiness. Fulfillment. Community. I learned a new way to look at the future. I learned a new way to listen to people. I learned about who I have been being in my life. I learned that I'm not the follower that I always thought I was. I am a leader. Wow. Floored me, too... Just to name a few.

On Tuesday morning, M. and I went to visit Bob Kingsmill - a creative and talented potter whose work we both (especially me) fell in love with when we visited Granville Island a few weeks ago. We went to commission a clay mural as an engagement gift (instead of the evil diamond ring) - we asked him for one of his celtic knotwork arch ones - with horses involved and trees and water... it will be beautiful. He is not only wonderfully talented and creative, but he's a fantastic guy, too. I told him that I am becoming a potter, he asked me what I was working on - I told him I am "cylinder girl". He approved, saying there is so much to be learned from throwing cylinders. I agree. So far I've learned tons. He was jovial and relaxed and the whole experience was magical. Had we come a week earlier, we probably could have watched the piece bieng made! I'll go down and watch him build a different mural when he comes back next month.

I'm going to be doing the lighting for a local theatre company's production of Nick Hall's "Eat Your Heart Out" a romantic comedy being put on as dessert theatre by the Emerald Pig Theatrical Society for Valentine's Day. Sunday I'll attend my first rehersal of it and next week will bring the technical setup and rehersal learning how to operate the light board! I love volunteer work... you get to learn such cool things!

The Birth Mom thing is halted as I wait to hear back from Nila at Family Services... I hadn't heard anyting further so I called today to check on it. She'll call b-mom and find out where it stands... and let me know tomorrow. Hope all is still well. Hoping for the best. Prepared for the worst.

The job hunt has taken a new twist. Searching for an established functional-ware potter who is looking for an indentured slave. The way I see it is this: I really want to learn this stuff, to do it and be it from the depths of my soul. Clay is magical and I need to learn the skills to weave and work the magic. Being a waitress and potting on the side isn't going to do that. If you know of anyone... or anyone who might know of anyone in the Lower Mainland, BC... let me know. =) I only require enough income to pay rent, buy food and pottery supplies and occasionally visit my friends... and I will work long, long hours for it. Thursday next week my search at Granville Island will begin. March 6 (strangely enough my Birthday) I will be able to join the Richmond Potter's Club... inexpensive, studio use included, and pay per piece for firing. PLUS being exposed to a number of different potters, workshops, volunteer opportunites (kiln loading, glaze mixing etc) where I can learn tons, and get involved in the pottery community.

Life. Is. Good.

More later... new website to work on!

Yesterday. It was the last visit to work before becoming a pass-card-less person who needs to be 'escorted' around. There was cake. There was hugging. There were goodbyes. Felt great.

Yesterday. It was the visit to my parents' house last night so they could learn that I have dreads and learn that I have given notice at McKesson... and so Mom could tell me how dreads are horrible and I'm a failure and she's a failure because I am, and how nobody will hire anyone with dreads (she tells me they're called dreads because they're so dreadful looking) and she's so embarrassed by me that she doesn't want to be seen with me at the family memorial tea for Grandma next month, and how I've done nothing but hurt her my whole life, and how searching for my birth mother just means that she is even more of a failure with me and that my parents aren't good enough, how I'm going to end up living in a dumpster down by the old Woodwards building, and if I ever get my nose or eyebrow pierced she will never speak to me again because I'm just doing it to get attention and it makes her sick, and how she's going to always tell me just how unhappy she is with the things I do that are wrong... just to list a few...

I took all of this in, listening to her, not putting the blame on her or on me for the way she feels - denying that she's a failure, denying that I am a failure, telling her how much I love and appreciate her, how I always will. Telling her how I am happy with who I am. Happy with the world. Happy with life. It was tearful, intense and draining emotionally.

*I* know I'm a success. I know I turned out just great.

I wonder at my mother's insistance that everything is wrong all the time and how "what might happen" is something to be worried about and afraid of... how can she live like that? I have an idea of why... Probably because she just can't see any other way to be... it's too frightening to think about. Even though she is living in hell, it is a familiar hell... I've been there... it's hard to let go of the familiar, no matter how much we're suffering. It's hard to take a step towards breaking the ties that bind us to the familiar... it's so hard to let go of the reasons we use to justify staying where we are, hating life and blaming ourelves and others for our unhappiness.

I choose to be happy, now. I choose a happy life! There is no reason not to except those we make up for ourselves.

Wednesday night's pottery class went better than I remember! Perhaps it's my new dedication to getting down to perfecting the basics and my dream of really making it as a potter that has fueled this amazing improvement. I'm excited. More cylinders!

Thursday was start the dreads day! I now have nappy, temporarily waxy, dreads. It took 5 hours and a lot of Knotty Boy dread wax. I'll tell you one thing, it absolutely hurt more than getting my tattoo did. The sectioning and backcombing took the longest and was a bit sensitive, but when it came time to pull and twist the wax into the new dreads from the ROOTS to the TIPS - my sensitive scalp was screaming. It's still tender. So for now, they're waxy and soft... but I'll continue my maintenance of rubbing and twisting them whenever I get the chance, and in a few months or so, I'll have nappy-happy dreadlocks!

If anyone wants pics, I haven't taken any yet - but I could be inspired by email/irc/icq/posting in my guestbook... ;-)

So the news that floored me yesterday afternoon at around 4:20PM... My birth mother would love to meet me - and so would her whole family - they all know about my existence! I have a full sister who is 29, a half sister who is 21, 2 nieces 10 and 8 years old and a nephew 1 1/2 years old!! There is still some legal paperwork to go through on BMom's end before we can have contact, and I'm absolutely, completely, totally stunned.

I still haven't taken it all in - but I remember every detail of the conversation I had with the wonderful Nila in Family Services. I'm going to take this slowly and try to savour every detail... I don't want to rush anything and I want everyone involved to know that. And yet the other part of me is wild with wanting to up and drive to wherever they are and meet them all. The slow side wins, for now. ;-)

It's my last day of work here... and I don't know what is to come... I have my first pottery class tonight, dreads tomorrow and then the dentist on Friday.... (just to return to the mundane). ;-) I'll be dropping by work here on Monday - show off the dreads, drop off the corporate credit card... all that stuff. Wow. Bit of a let down... now that it's almost 4:00PM... Ross the boss told me a few days ago he'd get a cake today and it didn't materialize... he did come over and apologize - he says he feels bad about it - he asked me if we could do it Monday when I come in. Sure thing. I'll have my dreads, then... freak everyone out!

What a crazy, crazy life. Time to design (get help designing? *wink* *tickle*) a new web page and host it on epona.com again... Create! Create! Create!

Life is upside down and sideways and I'm loving it. The official word went out today at work - I'm leaving - won't they all miss me?! Wednesday this week will be my last day of work, that night I have my first pottery class, Thursday I have an appointment to start some knotty dreadlocks in my hair... and life goes on! I'll be back in the office for a short time on Monday - to sign some paperwork, show off my knotty new look and then mosey over to storage to see what can be sorted for donation/home/M's place. Then... I'll think about getting a job someplace. =) Home depot? Restaurants? I'll find something!

The letter I sent out to people here at work:


Hi everyone,

It is with only a slightly heavy heart that I write this. As you know, I am moving on to explore the possibility of a life outside the box. Though I never felt completely suited to the work here, I definitely enjoyed working alongside all of you and it is this aspect of leaving that tempers my joy with sadness. As cheesy as it sounds, I learned a lot during my time here - about life, about people and about myself - and I'm grateful for it. Thank you all for being part of that, I'm going take it with me as I enjoy this next adventure.

I don't have any definite plans, yet, but I do know that the future holds much more music, art and creativity and no more pager shifts. ;-)

Thanks again,

May whichever deity or belief you hold to be true give you strength and comfort.

//Heather




I was contacted the other day by Family Services... these are the people who have been searching for my birth mother for me. When I called them back, I found out that they think they've found her. I spoke with a wonderful lady named Nila who is going to be initiating the contact with her. The way it works is, they send her a letter asking her to call them - telling her only that they wish to speak with her about a person born in 1972. It is up to her whether or not she is okay with making contact with me. In the worst case, she will say "no" and I will then be able to go on from that point. Hopefully she will not say no... but if she does I am ready to deal with that possibility - I'm also ready to deal with the possibility of meeting the woman who gave me life so long ago ~ and being able to thank her for giving me life. What a life!! So many possibilities. So much to do! Fantastic!

So.... I actually did it yesterday. I told my Group Lead that I wanted to leave. I think he was really very relieved - because he didn't want to have to fire someone he likes and respects. He just feels that I'm not suited to this job. I'm cool with that. The level of stress around here has suddenly vanished for me... but so has any kind of motivation to actually WORK. ;-) I keep joking... "What are they going to do? Fire me?!" *giggle*

Anyway.. it's a slightly scary proposition, leaving one's job without having another one to go to... but in this case, I don't have any minimum expectations for a job... what I want is part time, flexible hours that'll let me bring home enough money to pay the rent, put a few hundred on the debt and eat. I'm working on reducing all extraneous expenses (hence getting rid of the cell phone) and I'm trying to live more simply.

I attended my first meeting of the Emerald Pig Theatrical Society last night - what a great bunch of people! After the brief meeting, we all did Improv for about an hour! SO MUCH FUN! I think I'm really going to enjoy working with them all... now to find a pottery studio I can work at/learn at in Maple Ridge and all will be well!

Something sad in all this wonderfulness - my Grandmother isn't long for this world. She's a strong lady... she's 93 and she's fought Cancer for a long time. My mother, I'm so proud of her, seems to have finally come to grips with the fact that her mother is going to be gone - she wants her to go and rest, in fact, and she's dealing so well with it all. I don't feel very close to my Grandma, but I do have an enormous amount of respect and love for her. I will be glad when she no longer has to suffer, and I will always have the memory of her spark and spirit and determination. I love you Mom. I love you Grandma. God Speed and go and enjoy your rest.

Just so's y'all know... I have cancelled my cell phone. I am free of the $$ per month! I am free of communications in between destinations! There are pay phones everywhere if I need them and I don't have to remember to charge them up. =) Plus... pretty much everyone else has a cell phone if I'm in dire need. ;-)

If you need my number and you don't have it, email me, icq me, contact me somehow and I'll give you the latest info.

Still haven't managed to actually put notice in at work - it's almost like I'm waiting for them to do it for me. I also don't want to lose my dental benefits just as I'm getting a night guard made. The dentist won't bill me for it until it's delivered on the 17th. Ah well. Whatever will be, will be. Que cera cera. C'est la vie.

I'll keep you all posted on the details. Honest.