Friday, February 24, 2006

It sure is funny how day to day things can change. Had another emotional roller coaster of a day today... and I'm not sure it will change once I go home. I plan to talk more to the hubby today about what I've been feeling and doing since we met, basically... and through no fault of his own, we may not make it. Was I ever committed to this marriage? Ever really committed? I'm not sure. Can I become committed to it? Doesn't seem like it, but I just don't know. I do know that I have to 'fess up and get talking or it'll just fester inside of me. Emotions. They're kind of like pus. The more you hold them inside, the more they multiply and infect everything that is you.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Absence makes the heart grow fonder and the head grow clearer. Sometimes. Meditation helps in that regard, too. I still wonder what it is I am meant to be doing with my life and whom I should be doing it with... but for the moment the sense of despair is gone. I wonder what today will hold... and my brain does fantasize endlessly about the possibilities.

I know that today holds designing and building a couple of projects that will be due when we return from Portland in March, and finding some more no-craze liner glazes to dip and try... it also holds cleaning the gunk out of the spray booth, and going to yoga class. Busy already - I'd better get started!

Nike has the best slogan, even if I don't like the company. Just do it. Ok! Bye!

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

What is it I am searching for that I have not yet found within myself? Why do I crave something that I should not crave, that I could not fully have even if I was supposed to want it? What is wrong with me that I dwell on this percieved lack of love in my life? I search for it everywhere except where I can find it? I discard it where it lives? Do I? I'm confused. Hurting. Horrible.

How can I stop thinking so much?

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Make no sudden assumptions based upon my blog yesterday... things continuously change and ebb and flow. My brain continues to think too much. Analyze this. Analyze that. I think it will take a while, if ever, for Matthew's efforts to make a lasting impact on me. It will take a while for me to trust feeling loved. I have hope, and I have despair. I have love and lust and every other emotion under the moon moving through me, taking over, waxing and waning. Perhaps my mother knows me best after all? I search for love in all the wrong places, my desperation must certainly be a turn off as I become grotesque with longing. Until I can consistently satisfy my own desire to be loved and love myself completely... how can I expect anyone else to love me? How can I even know HOW to love another person? It must start with me. How do I break this cycle?

The questions and the thinking continue... argh.

Monday, February 20, 2006

The thinking continues... thinking too much about everything. I live in my brain, these days, except for those rare moments on the wheel or when I'm meditating when I can celebrate my own awareness. Talking about what's in my head helps me to get it out. Talking about it with the people that it involves helps the most. I wonder where I'll be in a year's time... I have plans, certainly... don't we all? I envision having spent the winter in a my new studio working on pottery after a summer of hard work in a tree planting camp as assistant cook, and a fall spent playing with horses and studying natural horsemanship, possibly buying a truck of my own... who knows, really? Will Matthew and I still be together? I'm ready for it to end. Harsh, I guess, but really I've been walking on eggshells for so long that I just can't bring myself to give anymore. When things are good, as they so rarely can be, I don't trust it enough to enjoy it at all. He's making an effort, but for me it seems too little, too late - I hope his efforts will pay off for him, though, so he can enjoy a longer-lasting relationship, and the intimacy that should come with it.

I have debts to pay and logistics to figure out. What do I want in my life? What will give me the most satisfaction and keep me present and aware? Meditation can help with that, but I think that living a life you don't really want hinders awareness more than anything else. We live in a society of fear and escape. We are slaves to the reality that we've created for ourselves, that we've let others create for us. I want to discover true reality and live a life of joy and purpose. It's hard to override both my biological and my conditioned responses to things so that I can be aware and not entraped by behavioural conditioning. Especially the biologically conditioned ones! Yikes. Solace in the arms of another man... that was putting it delicately, thanks Mom. It's true, that is my normal course of action. It's what I know how to do. How do I step outside of that realm of created reality and be strong enough for myself in the true reality? What is the true reality?

Now my brain is going into logistics mode, so I won't bore you with those details. I doubt anyone actually reads this anymore, anyway... it's been so long.