*begin rant*

Here I sit, blogging. This usually only happens when things go bad and I can't take it anymore. Such is the case today. I've been feeling neglected, unappreciated and resentful for a while, but somehow I hope that it will change and things will be satisfactory for me... instead of learning from the past and realizing that I need to change my behaviour in order to get what I want. So this morning, I hit the breaking point. Again.

Over coffee.

He won't grind any because he hates the grinder - that's fine, I'll do it. So I do it and make coffee for him and don't realize that he's already put some water into the machine. He comes outside where I'm watering the plants and the grass and generally barely keeping on top of maintenance because he does NONE and asks "Did you make 8 cups?" I say no, I made 6. He says in an angry, accusing voice, "Well, I already put four cups of water in there. I guess I'm not drinking any." I told him not to get pissy about it it was an honest mistake - he just stayed pissy. I tried to tell him I didn't realize it, "You should have looked". Then he asks me if I've sent any more mugs to our friends store in Waterton. Had I known I was supposed to, I would have!!!!! Nobody told me. Jerk.

FUCK YOU!

Why do I do ANYTHING for this man?

Now, it doesn't help that I'm 7 months pregnant and still doing EVERY FUCKING THING. He just doesn't GET IT! He didn't even take his cell phone with him today so I can't call him and tell him off. So I called his work and asked them to get him to call me. I hope he's thought about his attitude. I'm getting really, really sick of it and really really resentful. Not good in a marriage with a baby 2 months away.

*sigh*

*end rant*

How cool is it when your horses hear you coming and call out to you with big whinnies, then come from wherever they are in the paddock to see you and they don't even think you're bringing them food? Very cool.

How cool is it when your baby does somersaults in your belly? At 6 months, very cool... we'll see how that feels at 8 months. ;-) Yowch?

How cool is it when you finish working at 10:30pm and then spend 2 hours browsing facebook? Not very cool. Time for bed.

So. There's more to being pregnant than meets the eye. Mostly in the wiggly human octopus in your belly department. At least for me. It's a really neat feeling and at first all I wanted was more, more, MORE of it! I still do at times, especially when I'm chilling on the couch and want to see the baby poke my belly out.

However....

What they don't tell you about being pregnant is that baby can kick you in the bowels. Causing you to fart. Uncontrollably! Thankfully this occurrance is rare, thus far. But still. Hilarious.

I'm back working in the studio, making jugs of all sizes today and tomorrow, then maybe on to teapots, or I might develop a sugar bowl to go with my creamer. Could be a good idea. I also need to make some pendants. Lots to do!

Around the house, the garden is planted, though it's not fenced and it's not all sifted. Huge job. We borrowed some help and a quad and trailer to clean the manure buildup out of the horses' paddock. 3 years is a lot of shit! Now we have wonderfully composted manure for the garden and all of our friends' gardens.

I'm painting the doors in the house - when we moved in I thought I should and just lived with it until now. Today is the 2nd coat and the first coat was already such a difference!

My parents are coming mid June for a visit and Mom and I will paint and re-do the cats' room - turning it into the baby's room. I'm looking forward to that - we need a place to store all the baby stuff we're starting to collect... plus I think it will make it seem more real. I'm going to go with pale yellow and blue/violet trim. We'll re-do the floors afterwards and hopefully find some fabric to go with the colours and make some nice curtains, etc. Should be fun.

I now have a belly on me. True story. It's only going to get bigger!

Off to paint..

End of a week without Matthew. He's been working in Invermere - and I think he's very tired by the sound of his voice. He's coming home tomorrow (I think), though, I haven't heard from him tonight and that usually means he's on his way. I guess I'll call him and find out.

I had chicken pot pie for dinner from Save-On Foods. Such comfort food, so easy. Better for baby and I than the trifle and popcorn I had for dinner last night!

Still... I am going to have trifle for dessert. ;-) Off I go!

Whew. Tiring day. Most days are kinda tiring, now - by 3:30 or 4 I need a nap, but usually don't take one. Bad me.

Belly still growing, occasionally feel baby moving inside, just flutters or little tiny pokes, but nothing to keep me from sleeping or cause me pain, yet.

I worked all day and then went to a baby shower for a friend of mine tonight. It was fun and good to see her again - but it felt weird not to be home and working on my own stuff. Tomorrow I will be around a fair bit, but still going to town for a few things (midwives appointment) and to take the motorbike in to have it's valves done? At least that's what Matthew told me to have done. I like not knowing some things and not needing to know. It keeps life interesting and relaxing all at the same time!

Time for bed, my body needs SLEEEP.

My belly is now beginning to look pregnant. I bought stretchy panel jeans. I love them. Comfort is of the utmost importance. I don't care how silly they look.

I'm feeling very lucky, no morning sickness and mostly I just feel a bit more hungry and a bit more tired. The ultrasound went well - everything right where it was supposed to be, bits wise and measurement wise. They won't tell you the sex of the baby in BC - something to do with it not being medically necessary for a healthy pregnancy and it is considered to be gender discrimination. Ok. Whatever. Ah well, I truly don't care - we have what we have.... so we have to wait until the birth to find out the gender, for millions of years that was the way - and it's pretty much the coolest surprise you could ever have!

Still feeling boy feelings and the name Ethan is stuck in my head... even though I'm not all that fond of the name... there are others that I like much better.

Time for sleep. Just spent the last few hours with my nearly 6 year old nephew. He's got so much energy! I'm ready to SLEEP.

Goodnight!

Too good to be true....

It had to be. The first firing of my kiln today and it didn't reach temperature in 9 1/2 hours. I shut it down. Should I have been more patient? I may have somehow caused the kiln to stall out in mid firing range, but I don't know. I will call Cress tomorrow and see if they can tell me if what I did (turned it up manually when the firemate control was automatically turning it up) could have caused it to stall out. If not, I'll have to try testing to see if all the elements are truly working or not.

A bit disappointing, but not too bad. The room got really hot - walls, ceiling... they are all going to have to be protected. I'm tired. I have to go to work tomorrow and, once again, I don't want to. It'll be alright once I get going, but I don't feel excited about it at this point. I'd rather solve this kiln mystery!!!

FACK!

In other news, I fenced off the small raised beds that we have because somebody's dog has been digging things up and one of my hostas is missing in action. Could be my dog, likely not, though. At least they don't have the option to dig it up anymore.

Off to bed.

Doing pretty well. I wonder how much of my emotional issues are because I've been alone in this house for nearly 3 months and I feel more lonely with Matthew home, sometimes than when it was just me, and how much is pregnancy related.

I guess only time will tell.

The cold is clearing up, the sun is out, though it was frosty this morning - I think I'll go play with Maya and then get down to business in the studio. That really is the best way - then I don't yearn to be outside, cuz I've already been. So much to do - so little time left to do it before I have to set up a booth at a trade show and hawk my wares!! I guess I'll learn, quickly!

I always did work best under pressure. It tends to make me more focused than my scatter-brained pisces nature will usually allow.

Told the birth family about baby, today. They all seem happy about it. Oh - still have to call birth dad... so not everyone knows, yet. Best get on that.

This cold has got me tired and stuffed up, but my boss is understanding (and I'm sure doesn't want to get all his customers sick!) so I'm off work today. That will leave me with enough time to get things a bit more organized around here. I should probably try to lie down for a bit of rest before I get cracking, or maybe take an acetaminophin... that's supposed to be safe during pregnancy and I didn't take anything at all last night, although the Nyquil sure was tempting. Couldn't risk it - and I did manage to sleep on and off for a few hours at a time all night. Pain in the sinuses, I tell you!

So my horseplay has been much curtailed, first I was away all weekend and now I'm not feeling very healthy, so I don't want to risk getting out there and getting into a situation where I don't have the energy or ability to cope with what comes up. I think I might just go sit with them for a while today, bundle myself up and trundle off to the paddock for some quality undemanding time.

I have a feeling I'm going to need more tissues before this cold is over with! Puffs Plus with Lotion... here we come.

Aside from the sniffling and snuffling of a cold (a gift from my sister-in-law's twins) I had a good weekend down on the coast... and now that my parents know, everyone else can know, too! Matthew and I are expecting a baby in September. =) You don't know how many times I've been typing away and almost let something slip on here. ;-) Now I can be open and not have to censor myself.

Trying hard to get this place cleaned up before Matthew comes home on Friday, but I don't know if I'll make it or not. I keep sitting down in front of the TV and getting sucked in. I have accomplished a bunch but I'm sneezing so much that it gets demoralizing and I just sit it out and blow my nose and turn on the TV. Then I'm done for a few hours. It's already dark out and I haven't fed the horses, yet. I'll head out there, now and call my boss to see if we can postpone or he can find other help this week. I do NOT want to sneeze in the dip! Ick. Nobody else does, either, I'm sure.

Okay.. so off to try to get this place ship shape!

Saw the first robins of spring two days ago and the first crocus blossoms in my garden, it's been sunny, rained all night last night, and it's looking to be a partly cloudy day today. Amazing how my motivation goes UP when the weather is more spring-like.

It also helps that my neighbours helped me pull my truck out of where it was stuck yesterday and I put insurance on it for 7 months. I HAVE WHEELS!!! It was an adventure, and a fun one, at that - but we finally got it started, I drove to town and MAN does that improve a girl's outlook on life, let me tell you. I love my truck.

Horsemanship has been going well - read my horsemanship journal if you want more info, and other things are looking up, too. Had a long talk with Matthew about stuff, and he discovered what his process is when he starts to snap back - I think it's a great step in the right direction and we WILL work through it. He really can surprise me with the amazing amount of effort that he puts in.

Matthew's mom gave me the book "The Secret" for my birthday. It's kind of ironic because I ordered "The Secret" DVD for her for Christmas, but it didn't arrive in time to give it to her. I'll bring it for her this weekend. The book has more detail on the "how to" than the DVD had and I've been putting in to effect some of the techniques of an "attitude of gratitude" as well as being thankful for "having it now". Really changes your outlook on life when you notice something that you're kind of happy about and actually acknolwedge it - and look for the good things in everytyhing. I feel so powerful today. I just intend things to be easy and fun - like cleaning the house, and you know what? It happens! Easily. And it's fun. That is really, REALLY sweet.

Today is a busy day, lots to do before Sarah comes tomorrow and we head out to Vancouver. My plan is to throw more mugs, do some other stuff, like go to town for feed, etc and then come back and trim and handle the mugs from the other day. I also have some more clean up to do, but I'm happy about that because it's going to be so fun and easy with my new attitude of gratitude.

Words of the Day:

Positive. Strong. Capable. Blessed.

Make them Your words, too.

Love.

Rain falls. Snow melts. Spring arrives. I did feel such unabandoned joy about that, but now... *sigh*

Not much to say - Matthew came home this weekend and things went as well as ever. *sarc* It started out better than okay, but probably only becuase his friend came with him from school. Once he'd gone... it went downhill. He's always more pleasant to be around when other people are here. Why am I deserving of such sub-standard treatment? How about you don't take your stress out on me. Discuss it with me, DEAL with it, but don't take it out ON me. K?

Matthew climbed under the nasty trailer and ran the wire for my kiln. He emerged covered in cat poo, pee and who knows what other lovely things that evil animals left under the trailer. Thank goodness for coveralls. We have to clean that out this summer and block it up properly so nothing else can get in. The smell, now that spring is here, is horrible! He does do such amazing things for me.

*sigh*

Why do I feel so indifferent and hopeless? When we're apart, I think things will be just great and that we're making progress, but everytime we get together again, it just deteriorates. PAIN. Is it all my "expectations". Evil expectation. It's not mine so much as his, I think. I go along feeling like everything's fine, then he talks down to me and I feel hurt and invalidated. He talks down to me for NO REASON. I will not suck it up and ignore it anymore. Hurts even more that way and doesn't change anything.

Blah. So much to do, so little motivation. I think I used up all my motivation last summer.

Whew.

Lazy.

I went for a walk this morning at least... up to the mailboxes and back - it's about a 45 minute jaunt, 30 minutes uphill (I typed uphell at first, heh) and then a more relaxing, easier breathing 15 downhill. I'm trying to make this a regular first thing in the morning routine, and then do everything else after that - have to get up early to fit in the 45 minutes, but it would be worth it to have good cardio, plus the more often I do it the shorter my time will get and the less winded I will be. It's also good for the dogs.

Since I got home, I've had breakfast, fed the critters and then proceeded to sit here on the computer reading others' blogs and updating my own.

Now, I should and WILL (GORAM IT!) go into my studio and decorate the rest of my mugs - taking into account those things I learned in the last firing. Wipe the rim of the liner glaze and thin the outer glaze just a touch. Then... perfection! At least until the Next Big Breakthrough.

Feeling a bit less overwhelmed today than yesterday, mainly due to reading others trials and tribulations, getting the cats room and litterboxes bleached and cleaned and having some laundry done and the kitchen almost useable! Heee.

After mugs, vacuuming will occur in this house! Then yoga. Yoga on the rug in the state it's in now - 3 cats (shedding), 1 dog, firewood inside... well it ain't pretty. Plank would be scary and child's pose even moreso.

Thinking about you... all of you.

Fiddle dee dum... fiddle dee dee...

Hum. Swell... Headache. Waiting to find out if I get to go to the Dam Inn Pub tonight for Wings Night. Thrilling, really.

In pottery news: Could not for the life of me find my underglaze on Monday, so had to borrow the one ingredient I was missing from the school in order to make up a new batch! So now, I've made a new batch of liner, and a new batch of underglaze AND I will be firing final product in a kiln I've never glaze fired before. Three unknowns. No time to test. Gads I hope it works out!!! I need mugs for the 28th! Sell, baby, sell! Phew. But at least I got that part done, they're all signed, waxed and lined... now I just have to draw horses on all of them, glaze the outside and pack them carefully to take to my friend's house for firing. My kiln gets wired up on Friday - then I can test it... but too late for this run, I fear. Maybe I'll do about 30... then I'll have 30 more to test plus all my 'tester' pieces. I also must remember to buy some more pyrometric cones.

Waiting. Waiting. Doesn't look like I'm going to the Inn. Poo. Better start the fire so I can get warm - it's cold in here. And put the oven on for some pizza. Maybe I'll start drawing some horses. Couldn't hurt. I only have 3 days to do it and pack 'em up for Sunday.

Meh.

Other than that good day, though. Worked 4 hours, went to town for lunch Mmmmmmmm.... El Taco! Then came home and spent some quality "scratching the itchies" time with the horses. They're just beginning to shed... SPRING is coming! Though you might not know it from the 10cm of snow we got the other day. :-/ Away to me, pig!

Matthew came home and surprised me on Valentine's Day - a day earlier than planned. I was expecting my friend to come by so when I heard a knock at the door I wasn't surprised - until I looked up to see my sheepishly sweetly smiling husband with flowers and chocolates in hand. *melt*

He liked my gift, though I'm not totally happy with it, yet. I think I need to darken up the background to make the timbers "pop" more. He took it with him, so the fixing will have to wait until he brings it back - if he'll let me by then... it will have become so familiar that he might not want me to change it.

At any rate... I have TONS of work to do in the next week. Lots of mugs to decorate and glaze so that I have something to sell at Oso Negro in March. *yikes* Hopefully they will work out so I don't have to worry so much and I can test my kiln in a more leisurly fashion. Gads. Electricians!!!

Time for bed.

Wow. Good day. Had the "Send Me Something" marketing class at CF today with Chris Holand from Juggernaut. He was entertaining and made things simple. We accomplished a lot in that class. I'll have to get on it and actually "Send him something" for the homework assignment. But what.
Too tired to do it today - maybe tomorrow, likely Thursday or Friday.

Exhausted. Absolutely. I want to go to bed but can't quite yet. Maybe I'll just nap on the couch until my sister gets here to eat her dinner. Or better yet - call her to see where she's at cuz I need SLEEP.

Meh. No answer.

Ah zeee blog. You never know who's reading. ;-) Hi b-boy.

Had a great day with Sarah today - we went to KSA together and have been close friends ever since. Her hubby's flight from Vancouver to Castlegar got cancelled yesterday and delayed this morning, which had her at my place watching movies, making pizza, chatting and sleeping over last night - then in the morning we cruised the 'gar after discovering *just* after plugging the meter at the Airport, that Kendrick's flight was sent back to Vancouver - low ceiling. (aka FOG). There's a reason they call it "Cancel-gar". So, I bought a frame for Matthew's picture, then we headed back home and unloaded my bisque firing from yesterday over at Raya's - still no kiln hooked up here, but it's getting closer! After that, we went to town, visited KSA, ate sushi (omg yum), did a few errands and Sally-Ann shopped till we dropped. I got a wool-mohair blend "camel" coat for $1.25. No tax. Regularly $6.99. And actually, Sarah bought it for me! It'll definitely last me all the rest of the winter and into spring for 'going out'. I'm getting a bit sick of being puffy in down. I feel puffy enough already on my own.

Whew. Run-on haircut blog paragraphs are fun.

Feeling good tonight. I have a CF class tomorrow, gottal call Joe (the electrician) and then work on Wednesday, screen some glazes (once I find them), fix up the kiln, clean up the mugs and more.

Thursday will bring appointments in Nelson, some help with my books at CF and then cleaning the house for Matthew and our guest. Busy week. But I always feel SO MUCH BETTER and more productive when my days are booked solid. I also appreciate the down time that much more instead of wasting it.

In other news, I'm off TV. I did watch three? episodes of Farscape, Season 2, this evening, but they're on DVD so I don't count them. NO MORE CHANNEL SURFING FOR THIS GIRL. Sorry, Yelling. I know. PROCLAIMING! I will only watch Heroes (which I MISSED tonight DAMMIT - just realized) Ah well. Obviously I don't even really need to watch that. But I wanna. Meh.

Okay.. yes... time for bed.

Been a while since I posted. Again. Matthew is away at school learning to Timberframe, but he has come home a few times to visit - both times he surprised me. He doesn't know it yet but I'm painting him a picture for Valentine's Day. Heee. He doesn't read this, so I've no fear that he'll find out before he gets it. It's a watercolour (terrible one - I'm not skilled at watercolour!) of some timberframe braces and joints. I think he'll like it. We'll see. I'm going to frame it up and mail it to him at school, I think. Maybe I'll wait till the 15th, cuz he's coming home that weekend. Dunno for sure, yet.

It's likely that I have to work tomorrow, though I don't know for sure. Better call Troy.

I'm really ready for winter to be over. I look at all the snow outside and I can't believe it'll ever be warm enough to have green grass, sunny skies, and swimming in the lake! 'Course, once that time comes, I won't be able to imagine snow covering everything.