What strength lies in the heart? In her fear there is strength. When I get to that place where nothing seems to make sense, and the world is against me and why bother... you know... that place? That's the place that I begin to have hope again.... because I've learned over the years that when I go there and let myself really go there, that I come out on the other side a wiser, calmer, stronger person.

What do I mean? Well... in this case I know that I need to be stronger for myself. I need to stop using what other people think of me to make me feel better or worse about myself... sure it can help at times, but to rely on it as I have done most of my life... not so much the good. I need to stand and be strong, resist the urges that I have to stray from my relationship, no matter how unhappy I am in it. I have to be strong for ME. Not for my marriage, so much as for myself. Because my pattern in the past has almost always been to ditch the current boy by finding a new and improved different boy. A "knight in shining armour". Well... there is no "knight in shining armour". There is only me. And that's glorious. All I've ever done by repeating this pattern is lose out on a whole whack of personal growth and development time.

Hell... it's not "THE" answer, but it's something. It's an answer of sorts... and now there are more questions to ask... like - do I want to be married? Do I want to be single? These are things to figure out in the next four months away from home and then come home and deal with the decisions. Or not. Maybe I should just leave well enough alone? Wait, Heather... wait and see.

How do I say what I need to say? How do I KNOW what I need to say? How do I know what is wrong with me? How do I fix it? Help. Oh. Help.