The thinking continues... thinking too much about everything. I live in my brain, these days, except for those rare moments on the wheel or when I'm meditating when I can celebrate my own awareness. Talking about what's in my head helps me to get it out. Talking about it with the people that it involves helps the most. I wonder where I'll be in a year's time... I have plans, certainly... don't we all? I envision having spent the winter in a my new studio working on pottery after a summer of hard work in a tree planting camp as assistant cook, and a fall spent playing with horses and studying natural horsemanship, possibly buying a truck of my own... who knows, really? Will Matthew and I still be together? I'm ready for it to end. Harsh, I guess, but really I've been walking on eggshells for so long that I just can't bring myself to give anymore. When things are good, as they so rarely can be, I don't trust it enough to enjoy it at all. He's making an effort, but for me it seems too little, too late - I hope his efforts will pay off for him, though, so he can enjoy a longer-lasting relationship, and the intimacy that should come with it.

I have debts to pay and logistics to figure out. What do I want in my life? What will give me the most satisfaction and keep me present and aware? Meditation can help with that, but I think that living a life you don't really want hinders awareness more than anything else. We live in a society of fear and escape. We are slaves to the reality that we've created for ourselves, that we've let others create for us. I want to discover true reality and live a life of joy and purpose. It's hard to override both my biological and my conditioned responses to things so that I can be aware and not entraped by behavioural conditioning. Especially the biologically conditioned ones! Yikes. Solace in the arms of another man... that was putting it delicately, thanks Mom. It's true, that is my normal course of action. It's what I know how to do. How do I step outside of that realm of created reality and be strong enough for myself in the true reality? What is the true reality?

Now my brain is going into logistics mode, so I won't bore you with those details. I doubt anyone actually reads this anymore, anyway... it's been so long.