Whew! I managed to get tomorrow off - so in celebration of Ali's birthday painting can get done and most of the packing, too. Go me! I'm taking it as a vacation day, but what the heck! I'll have more comp days by the end of the year to make up for it. I still have some vacation left, too.

Anyway...


Here I am at work where everyone is whining like a bunch of babies. "They don't pay us enough." "I used to make more money at my old job, I had to take a pay cut to come here." What some of them don't seem to realize is that "taking a pay cut" is not even remotely the same thing as "being laid off". When you're laid off, you're worth whatever you can GET at a new job. If it sucks so bad, why don't you just LEAVE. Find that glorious new position that will pay you what you think you're worth! Just please. Please. PLEASE!!! Stop being so whiney.

I'm still revelling in the glory of not working in Pet Food retail. While that was fun, and I was happy, it wasn't a job where I could save any amount of money towards my future!! This one is and I am! Yay! I still feel blessed to work here, though sometimes (like right now) I slack off a little bit. I try not to surf from here, but on really slow afternoons or during lunch I sometimes sneak a peek at my favourite weblogs... Hum dee dum...

Tomorrow will rock. Get up early. Get cracking. Pack things. Move things. Paint things. Whee!

I'd best clear up some things before heading over to my new home at 6. La la laaaaa....

So far so good on the cell phone. It's still working and I've had it plugged in and turned on all day. Woo! Hooray for the saving money!

I have pictures up here and here. Wildwood was the first day, Walbran the second. They're not captioned or titled or thumbnailed or *anything* just yet. I just don't have time to do it this week month. I'm that busy (hooray!) I'll have to slow down in August or something...

Back to work.. I have so much to do.

This week:

Tonight: Go to my bro's and give him my portion of the damage deposit.
Wednesday: Go to home depot and get paint.
Thursday: Hopefully paint (woo faux finish and NO MORE apartment beige!)
Friday: Organize what I need in storage to make moving easier on Saturday.
Saturday: Move!!

In amongst all this I should be studying my First Aid and Win2k MCSE stuff... though First Aid is way more interesting right now... I also have to start getting more rest, eating better (planning my damn lunches) and getting some exercise. I will probably ride my bike every night so I can get my butt ready for M. and I's cycle tour of the Gulf Islands at the end of the month!

Whew!

Back home alive and well from Wildwood tour and Walbran hike. Long. Long. Day. Yesterday. Slept. Slept. Slept. Today. Felt pretty wasted this morning and called in sick. I would not have been any good to anyone even if I had come in. I thought when I went to bed that I'd feel a lot better than I did when I woke up -- plus with the evil hormonal imbalance that is my period arriving today... it just made for an all-around bad day mentally and physically. We ended up *just* making the last ferry from Duke Point to Tsawassen... I was driving and it was a miracle we didn't crash.

At least today was spent in the company of my dear M. I helped him a bit with his move preparation by packing up the bathroom and giving it a scrub. Not as clean as I'd like to have made it, but physically, I wasn't feeling my best. He understands but says he has no concept of what it must be like to have the evil cycle. I feel SO disjointed physically and emotionally. Crying at the drop of a hat and sort of drifting through the day... hopefully it'll be a lot better tomorrow.

Funny thing happened on Friday. I dropped my cell phone in the toilet. SPLOOSH!! SUbmerged cell phone. It shut down on it's own, must have short circuited... I shook the water out as best I could and tried it that night... the vibrator function was working well. When it wasn't supposed to. I've let it dry for 3 days, now... and this afternoon... it actually WORKED! I'll tentatively try it again tomorrow and see what happens. It might be time for a new one... if this "working" state doesn't continue.

I'm sleepy. It's time for bed. I'll post pictures another time..

I began this post yesterday about 15 minutes before I left work... but I'm changing it completely and actulally posting it today!

Hmm... so much to say...

First the haircut blog:

Went for dinner and conversation with Tusker on Tuesday cuz she's moving to the island.. had amazing Thai food at Simply Thai. Oh. Yum. I've been there 3 times in the last 2 weeks! I'd better cut that out... time to save money and make my own at home.

Met up with my brother and his roomie (soon to be my roomie, too) to talk about the upcoming move into the house in Maple Ridge. It's both larger and smaller than I thought. Certain aspects are bigger, and certain ones are smaller. =) We arranged what needs doing, what needs bringing and what needs buying. They're happy I'm coming to live there and that their current roomies ( a couple ) are moving out. Apparently they're really messy. Hope they can deal with me!

I had a quick visit with M. before heading out there... all too brief and made bittersweet by the fact that I have a cold sore and couldn't return his kisses... oh the sweet, sweet torture! It'll heal soon. Hopefully before this weekend. We're going to the island with a group of his co-workers for a tour of Wild Wood - an amazing example of ecoforestry - and the Carmanah valley. Camera and dog in tow, I go. Tent snugglies at night. =)

Enough of the haircut... here's the real news!

I spoke to George at length over ICQ last night... He has met someone, too! We both shared a bit about our new love interests and congratulated each other - heck, I even tried to give him what advice I could about how to make sure he wins her heart (he asked for it, it wasn't unsolicited advice). =) I'm so glad that we talked about it. He was the brave one, asking me if I had met anyone yet... I admitted I had and asked him the same question. I was surprised but very pleased to learn that he's found someone he's interested in. Closer to his age, too! George and I will always be good friends. I know I can count on him, and he knows he can count on me. This is a first in my life as far as ex-es goes... I'm very happy about it. *bounce*

Now to get my parents used to the idea that George isn't coming back and I've found someone else who makes my heart and mind and soul filppy flop in the best possible way. I'll introduce them over the moving weekend. =)

Opinion time:

I'm upset about our medical system. I feel betrayed. I thought our system was so wonderful... care for everyone! State supported health! An equal level of care for all. But it's not. It's already a two-tier system. If you have money, you can get tests and care and specialists... but if you don't... you get run of the mill tests, care and specialists -- and you can go for years not even knowing what you're suffering from. If they don't fix you up, they still get paid. If they don't figure out what you've got. They still get paid. If you die. They still get paid.

I wonder if there are better medical care systems out there to model ours on... I need to do some research into Eurpoe and beyond. This is just. Plain. Wrong.

ARGH!!

I will be moving out of here soon. I will be moving out of here soon. I will be moving out of here soon.

I will not be made to feel like a child every day. I will not be made to feel like a child every day. I will not be made to feel like a child every day.

*stretch* *yawn*

I don't feel like posting.

*snooze*

So the plague of not posting has been loosed upon me by Hera knows what evil power rampant in the universe... Actually, I think it's called "Real Life" or something like that.

I've been so busy enjoying my days and nights that I haven't sat down in front of the computer with a need to share -- there's just too much to share!

My emotions are stable -- if a bit manic thanks to M. That got me thinking last night. I realized I had some concerns that I was going back to my old ways of finding a man, any man, and then building him up in my mind to be something more than he is which ultimately, always leads to disappointment and heartache.

I thought long and hard about it and used my imagination to put myself in the position of M. not being what he seems. I know... worst case scenario -- but it has happened to me in the past! Thing is, if he's not -- then I'm definitely not as good a judge of human character as I think I am. At any rate - I worked myself up (down?) into really trying to feel what it would be like to discover that he's not as interested as he is - that he, say, found someone else. I felt it. I felt the sadness, I felt the betrayal, the disillusionment... I felt all of that -- but I also felt that I would be okay and, most importantly, that I haven't betrayed myself by exploring the possibilities of a future with him. I am still working towards my dreams and goals -- having him in my life is quite simply the killer topping on top of the baked New York style cheesecake (complete with cherries).

Coming to these realizations on my own and with such certainty is a new experience for me. Being assertive and asking for what I want from people is also new for me but I'm doing that regularly, too! I don't know quite what it is about hitting 30, but I really feel that I've come into my own. I know what I want, I know that I can work towards getting it and I know that I don't want to settle for anything less that what I feel I deserve!

I also realize that I'm human and that other people are, too - ie: we all have our faults. It's just a matter of realizing what faults you can live with in people that you associate with and what faults you just won't live with and vice versa. Hopefully you find someone whose faults you can live with that can live with yours.

The emotional rambling aside... It's ALI Kayaking night tonight! Once a year one of my paddling co-workers organizes an outing for 60 employees and friends to go to Deep Cove and go sea kayaking. Last year was beautiful and this year is shaping up to be just as gorgeous. This year I have someone special to go with, too -- which is awesome.

My car is in the shop today for a strange electrical ground short problem... the interior light is on at all times no matter what I do and the oil and voltage lights come on when I'm driving and go off when I accelerate hard or just let the engine coast. Weird. Hopefully they can fix it without too much $$$. And hopefully I can get my car back in time to pick up M. for Kayaking!

Saturday is the Rose Festival -- I'm so excited to be going again. I sort of avoided it for a few years because of being with George... my ex was likely to be there and George had no use for him so we didn't go. I felt rather lost each year when I realized that the Rose Fest had come and gone and I had missed it again... not this year! M. is coming with me. I hope it will be as magical as I remember it to be. I know it will be.

Busy month coming up... 29th-30th Carmana Valley trip, 6th-7th Moving, 13th-14th Wilderness Fisrt Aid course, 20th-21st Wilderness Survival Course, July 27th-August 4th Time off to bike tour with M. Probably the Gulf Islands. Wow! I'm looking forward to ALL of it.

Enough for now... time to get back to work and close off some of these nasty Reports that I'm working on!

....this post edited to contain pertinent breaking news of the day....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIMLI!!!!!!!!!!! Sexy. Bish. *lix*

....we now continue with our regularly scheduled blather....

Ahhhhh... Tuesday. Is that it?! Isn't it later by now? Crap.

The nav course field day went well. I learned a lot and I feel much better prepared in dealing with bearings, triangulation, resection and other ways of making sure I am where I think I am. I did, however, manage to lose my knife. :-/ Being that I'm on pager this weekend, it's doubtful that I'll be able to get back up there to go looking for it... so I might just buy a new one and lanyard that puppy right away.

More later... Working... almost off!!

So.. Thursday was yet another fantastic day. Went for my training run at 8:00 in the morning and it was already sweltering hot. Thank goodness for cold showers afterwards. uNF! After that I did some tidying up around here, vacuuming and organizing because I knew I'd likely be spending the night away from home... Packed up Rainy, my bike and a few other things in preparation for the Wilderness Navigation course classroom session that night and headed out to Vancouver to spend the day with M.

We started out by scaring the hell out of his poor cat, Wave. Wave is cute - he's HUGE. Not fat, don't get me wrong - he has massive paws and he is one solid boy. He's also just over a year old and has never met a dog he liked. I'd have to say that he doesn't yet "like" Rainy -- he was terrified and shaking most of the time... but Rainy demonstrated her ability to sense just how Wave was feeling and pretty much ignored him once she figured out that he wasn't into her at all. Wave did make some progress while Rainy was sleeping... he crept right up and lay down near her, sniffing all the while and keeping a watchful eye out for *any* sign of movement just in case he needed to BOLT.

They'll be friends one day. I'll betcha.

The day was spent riding around - we rode to Granville Island and during lunch, we ran into my friend Holly - she is a glass blower and works at a glass blowing place on the island. They're having a big exhibition soon (which she'll be sending us an invite to) where we can go and dress up all fancy.. I'm really looking forward to that! I embarrassed myself by swearing in the shop - which unfortunately has wood floors and lots of GLASS. Not a whole lot of sound-dampening factor, there. Holly kindly told me a story of another such occurrance in the shop which was even funnier than my own slip up. We then proceeded to beautiful Stanley Park - and being Thursday - was way less busy than it would have been on a weekend. Stopped on the way back for Ice Cream and then rode back to M.'s place in time to recover from the heat ride my bike down to my Nav course...

The Nav. course was great. Learned more about what kind of information could be found on and derived from the maps made by Energy Mines and Resources Canada as well as other maps. Kickass. Sunday is the field day up past Squamish in BC. I'm really looking forward to learning more skills that will keep me safe in the outdoors. (digression) Time to book that Wilderness First Aid course!

The day didn't end there, but my enthusiasm for writing about it now that the sun is starting to peek out from behind the clouds has waned engough that I'm going outside!



(digression) I'll have to book my Wilderness First Aid course on Monday. (/digression)

Almost time for bed.. going to Vancouver tomorrow to spend some time getting to know M. Going to take my dog and my bike and just make a day of it. I have a class from 7-10pm, so it's a good excuse to head out early. Plus, he took the day off. =) I should find the battery charger for my bike light and plug it in cuz it'll be dark when I get out of class at 10 and I plan to ride form M.'s place to class and back again. Free parking is good. Exercise is even better.

Wish me luck, health and happiness. Wealth would be good, too -- but it's not necessary.

Drifting, dreaming, holiday in summertime.

Somebody sign my guestbook. It's lonely.

Began a running program today. Sweat is good, but time for a shower. =)

Home am I from Vanderhoof and visits with my dear friend. Laura. You are HARD CORE. Eight months along and going wheeling to show me the glories of Cheslatta falls, the Kenney Dam and other gorgeous places in Northern BC. I envy the simplicity, wild beauty and gentler pace of your life... I know that one day, I will achieve this. Living the dream.

The trip was fantastic and I just wish it could have lasted a bit longer... but as she said, it'll keep me itching to come back and visit her again - which I will definitely do. I think the fall might be nice.. I want to see all those trees in suits of orange and red and yellow and give the townsfolk something more to talk about (who *was* that person I saw you in town with the other day??!) The black flies that like to take large bites out of me near my hairline will hopefully be gone by then. If not.. .there's always winter!

We saw a moose, four bears and a deer from Friday to Sunday. I have a picture of bear number one. Jeff saw more, but he was driving a taller vehicle on the way to their house from Prince George - we missed the deer that were on the other side of the highway below us because Laura and I were driving in her cute, short Honda Civic. Chilling in their adorable house on 6 and a half acres... walking to the river, playing with and meeting the entire gang of critters that share their home. *waves and snuggles* to Riker, Max, Coffee, Rudy and Rex. Touring the town, riding in an awesome Cheep 4x4 (part Chevy, part Jeep) that has finicky vent fan that sounds like a turbo prop is taking off inside your head, planting flower boxes, eating Moose (yum!) that has been slow-cooked all day in a tasty sauces, talking about old times and new, and watching movies curled up on the couch. These were but a few of the activites that took up our all too brief visit.

Laura and Jeff are convinced that they're having a boy... but they don't know the sex for sure. I wonder if life will throw them a curve or go just the way they're feeling? Time will tell! Good luck guys!

I will be back to invade and impose upon the hospitality of dear Laura and her hubby, oh yes indeed! She has inspired me to take up running again - which she too will do once the baby is big enough and she has recovered enough from the birth. Go us! Sun Run 2003, here I come.

Upon my arrival home, I was happily surprised at the airport by M. and after driving him home shared a wonderful walk in QE park, a fun night-scramble to the top of a rock outcropping (in the process nearly scaring to death the asian girl who was sitting on the stone wall at the top talking to her boyfriend), serious attempts to find subjects that we do NOT agree upon (unsuccessfully) and then walking back to his home to discover that we both adore Dave Matthews Band and love my peanut butter cookies. I also met Wave - who is a huge, powerful, playful, affectionate sweetie of a young cat. *purrt*

How is it that now that I know I can be single, and have no problem with it at all... that suddenly I find myself meeting a man whom I fear is a creation of a halucination? If I didn't have a picture of him and witnesses to confirm that he's real... I'd swear that I was lost in an amazing dream. I don't want to wake up, but if I ever have to, at least I can remember the dream with a smile in my heart.

Happy me, I'm off for the next week. I had a bunch of things on my list of things to do before leaving that didn't get done.. but oh well. I'm only human, and I worked hard, damnit!

Someone is coming to the airport to see me off... I'm very giggly about it. My usual Friday afternoon bounce combined with the added wiggle of having a week off is almost too much for my co-workers to bear... add to this the anticipation of having someone new come to the airport just to see me off and it's DEFINITELY too much for my co-workers to bear.

Actually, I'm not that bad, but I'm damned cheerful.

I'm going to Vanderhoof to visit my high-school best friend. She rocks, and I'm finally going to get to see where she calls home, meet her hubby and say hello (through belly-wall) to her soon-to-be-born child. I think it's going to be a great weekend!

Look out, Laura, here I come!

Sleep is for the weak. Tonight. I am weak.

So... after my huge epiphany about "alone" vs "lonely" I managed to find myself having a date with someone! I wasn't looking for it, I am content to be on my own... but he was intriguing, and it was Star Wars, so I went. =)

It turned out very well (understatement?! Uh.. Yeah) ... and now I'm in a bit of a quandry as to which direction I want this to go in. We talked for hours, and we seem to share so many ideas and experiences... it was very cool to meet someone so like me and yet different... but after much thought and paying attention to my apprehensions I am going to take things slowly, keep following the plan I've made for MY future, and if something wonderful happens... so be it! If not... then I'm still truckin' along for ME.

Mom, of course, could sense that I was interested in someone...(even though I denied it to her) and she's lecturing about not getting into something AND telling me I should wait for George!! (wtf?!?!!) She seems to think he'll "come to his senses" in a few months time. Well... Mom... perhaps we broke up not just becuase he's not ready, but because neither of us is! I still love George and I will always have a place for him in my heart - but more and more I think that we were on different paths and probably diverging rather than coming together. I am NOT waiting for ANYONE. Neither am I going to "settle" for anyone. I'm going to be me, and do my things and if I find someone who wants to share those things, and introduce me to new things... great. If not -- I'm content to keep on living my life.

I used to hear people talk about the differences between being "alone" and being "lonely". I would smile and nod as they explained how these things are so different, but I would never fully grasp what they meant. How could EITHER one be a good feeling? Weren't they exactly the same thing? Devoid of companionship! Missing something in life?

Last night when that ephiphanny hit me, I was floored by how obvious the difference had suddenly become.

Being alone can be a glorious thing. It is only bad if you are lonely. You can be lonely even if you are in a relationship... but if you're okay with being alone, then you're less likely to be lonely... at least in my experience.

One day I might be able to articulate it a bit better... but I think that if a person understands the differnce between the two words... then they don't need my explanations... and if they don't understand, then no matter how eloquently I put it into words, they will not understand until THEY figure it out.

I awoke in an amazing mood, after an amazing (but all too short) sleep during which I had a smile on my face and in my heart the entire night. I still feel great, even though I wish I didn't have to be at work today, or I had some time to actually INVESTIGATE some of the issues I have on my list instead of taking on new call after new call.

Friday + payday = sweet.

My mom's cousin called just before dinner and said she was on her way over... I was making dinner, so I threw in a little more pasta, added a salad and voila! Dinner for 3 becomes dinner for 4.

It was great seeing her again after not seeing her for who knows how many years... at least 10 maybe more! The conversation was fun and family history oriented. Trudy's was the first family wedding I ever attended, so I remember it the best of any of them. To me it was magical a-way back then.

Conversation eventually turned to the topic of tattoos. What is with that topic popping up all the time, now? The disapproval was clear and rampant in my mother's words and tone. She leaves no doubt in anyone's mind that she does not approve of tattoos. Though Trudy has one, she has it in a very hidden spot, and it has special meaning to her, because it was like one her "Poppy" had. He had a monkey on his back. ;-) She does, too. It's Curious George and very cute.

Meanwhile, I'm sitting there and my mother is ranting and raving about how she things "slut" the instant she sees a tattoo on a woman and that's what anyone things and blah blah blah... Trudy agrees, by the way, that tattoos make people think bad things about the person who has it... and while I notice tattoos (and have a huge one that my mother is unaware of... ;-) ) I do not automatically assume bad things about the person who has them. For me, the person's actions tells me much more about who they are than them merely having a tattoo.

During the course of this conversation, with me grimmacing and rolling my eyes at every opportunity and my mother warning me "don't you go out and get one , now just because I said these things" - as if I would alter my body permanently just to SPITE her?! - I felt strong and true to myself and had no desire to ruin my mother's opinion of me by divulging the secret of the tattoo. I'll keep my joy to myself and sucks to be a mom whos daughter can't tell her everything and share certain joys with her...

However... just now i was trying to get to sleep, and I couldn't. I was worrying about how I would meet a guy, he'd see the tattoo and BAM! he'd run like a scared rabbit or worse, turn his nose up at me disdainfully and I'd be alone - oh so alone... I was actually, seriously falling into a pit of despair over this. I tried talking myself out of it. I tried reminding myself that getting this tattoo was my gift to myself, that I love it, that it is really a wonderful part of me... but the DOUBT and FEAR were kicking my emotional butt. WHAT THE HELL!?!

*** warning - gratuitous self-love and respect below ***

What made me feel joy and strength and power once more was One. Simple. Thought. I don't *NEED* *ANYBODY*. If no one comes along in life who will love me and adore me and share life with me simply because I have a gorgeous tattoo on my back... well then, I have many friends and best of all. Most of all. Dearest and simplest and most fantastic of all. I. Have. Me. I can be alone! True to myself. Happy. Joyful. Magical. Mystical. Creative. Beautiful. Tattood. ME! I'm ready to love someone, I'm ready to love lots of someones -- there are so many possibilities... but I will not limit what I do to myself, by myself, FOR myself... just because it might scare "someone" away "someday".

I finally. Really. Truly. Love. Me.

***end gratuitous self-love and respect****

Okay.. I know that was some graphically gratuitous self-love there (I did warn you).. but this is huge. For me. The person who has been filled with self doubt and self loathing (much of it mom-induced) is able to get over mom-induced self doubt and triumphantly feel stronger than ever before without going to anyone else to get that strength. Stupdendous.

Here's me congratulating myself. WHEEEEE! Now I can sleep in peace and harmony!

Surprising as it may seem, I haven't seen Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones, yet.

Seeing the "latest and greatest" movie isn't even in my Top 10 list of priorities right now. It's strange how suddenly it can change. I'm not quite sure why I don't care all that much... I'm a fan and everything - heck, I even lined up for Episode I tickets (and then seats) when it came out. I still want to see Spiderman on the big screen... but somehow I haven't made any time for it -- and I've been off pager for two weeks, now.

What is it that has replaced my desire to see the latest, greatest movie? I'm not sure. I'm enjoying not being a slave to pop culture... but I have yet to figure out totally why I'm not a slave anymore. Maybe it's having Real Life (tm) goals that has changed my perspective on what is important. I visited with my brother for the first time in ages last weekend -- and I'll be moving in to his house next month... I've taken a backpacking course, and I've signed up for more outdoor courses... there are so many other things to do for 2 hours besides sit and watch a movie that's making billions of dollars in ticket and merchandise sales. They don't need my money...

On the other hand, maybe if I had someone special to go with, I wouldn't be so lackadaisical about it. ;-)

I'm lookin' for my missin' piece,
So Fleece my knees and grease my bees!

So there's a dilemma in my life... how to tell guys that are interested in me that I'm fresh out of a relationship and not ready for another one yet. I guess I just tell them up front so they don't feel like I'm leading them on, and never go anywhere on a one on one date. Group outings are safest. =) I'll stick to those -- except in special cases where I've known the guy forever and we're like brother/sister (and he's currently SEEING someone) Heheh. I'm just so suspicious these days!

Still... it would be nice to have a lover... ;-)

At any rate... time for sleep... maybe I'll have something more interesting or mind-altering to post at 6 in the morning.... yeah.. RIGHT!