So the plague of not posting has been loosed upon me by Hera knows what evil power rampant in the universe... Actually, I think it's called "Real Life" or something like that.

I've been so busy enjoying my days and nights that I haven't sat down in front of the computer with a need to share -- there's just too much to share!

My emotions are stable -- if a bit manic thanks to M. That got me thinking last night. I realized I had some concerns that I was going back to my old ways of finding a man, any man, and then building him up in my mind to be something more than he is which ultimately, always leads to disappointment and heartache.

I thought long and hard about it and used my imagination to put myself in the position of M. not being what he seems. I know... worst case scenario -- but it has happened to me in the past! Thing is, if he's not -- then I'm definitely not as good a judge of human character as I think I am. At any rate - I worked myself up (down?) into really trying to feel what it would be like to discover that he's not as interested as he is - that he, say, found someone else. I felt it. I felt the sadness, I felt the betrayal, the disillusionment... I felt all of that -- but I also felt that I would be okay and, most importantly, that I haven't betrayed myself by exploring the possibilities of a future with him. I am still working towards my dreams and goals -- having him in my life is quite simply the killer topping on top of the baked New York style cheesecake (complete with cherries).

Coming to these realizations on my own and with such certainty is a new experience for me. Being assertive and asking for what I want from people is also new for me but I'm doing that regularly, too! I don't know quite what it is about hitting 30, but I really feel that I've come into my own. I know what I want, I know that I can work towards getting it and I know that I don't want to settle for anything less that what I feel I deserve!

I also realize that I'm human and that other people are, too - ie: we all have our faults. It's just a matter of realizing what faults you can live with in people that you associate with and what faults you just won't live with and vice versa. Hopefully you find someone whose faults you can live with that can live with yours.

The emotional rambling aside... It's ALI Kayaking night tonight! Once a year one of my paddling co-workers organizes an outing for 60 employees and friends to go to Deep Cove and go sea kayaking. Last year was beautiful and this year is shaping up to be just as gorgeous. This year I have someone special to go with, too -- which is awesome.

My car is in the shop today for a strange electrical ground short problem... the interior light is on at all times no matter what I do and the oil and voltage lights come on when I'm driving and go off when I accelerate hard or just let the engine coast. Weird. Hopefully they can fix it without too much $$$. And hopefully I can get my car back in time to pick up M. for Kayaking!

Saturday is the Rose Festival -- I'm so excited to be going again. I sort of avoided it for a few years because of being with George... my ex was likely to be there and George had no use for him so we didn't go. I felt rather lost each year when I realized that the Rose Fest had come and gone and I had missed it again... not this year! M. is coming with me. I hope it will be as magical as I remember it to be. I know it will be.

Busy month coming up... 29th-30th Carmana Valley trip, 6th-7th Moving, 13th-14th Wilderness Fisrt Aid course, 20th-21st Wilderness Survival Course, July 27th-August 4th Time off to bike tour with M. Probably the Gulf Islands. Wow! I'm looking forward to ALL of it.

Enough for now... time to get back to work and close off some of these nasty Reports that I'm working on!

....this post edited to contain pertinent breaking news of the day....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIMLI!!!!!!!!!!! Sexy. Bish. *lix*

....we now continue with our regularly scheduled blather....

Ahhhhh... Tuesday. Is that it?! Isn't it later by now? Crap.

The nav course field day went well. I learned a lot and I feel much better prepared in dealing with bearings, triangulation, resection and other ways of making sure I am where I think I am. I did, however, manage to lose my knife. :-/ Being that I'm on pager this weekend, it's doubtful that I'll be able to get back up there to go looking for it... so I might just buy a new one and lanyard that puppy right away.

More later... Working... almost off!!

So.. Thursday was yet another fantastic day. Went for my training run at 8:00 in the morning and it was already sweltering hot. Thank goodness for cold showers afterwards. uNF! After that I did some tidying up around here, vacuuming and organizing because I knew I'd likely be spending the night away from home... Packed up Rainy, my bike and a few other things in preparation for the Wilderness Navigation course classroom session that night and headed out to Vancouver to spend the day with M.

We started out by scaring the hell out of his poor cat, Wave. Wave is cute - he's HUGE. Not fat, don't get me wrong - he has massive paws and he is one solid boy. He's also just over a year old and has never met a dog he liked. I'd have to say that he doesn't yet "like" Rainy -- he was terrified and shaking most of the time... but Rainy demonstrated her ability to sense just how Wave was feeling and pretty much ignored him once she figured out that he wasn't into her at all. Wave did make some progress while Rainy was sleeping... he crept right up and lay down near her, sniffing all the while and keeping a watchful eye out for *any* sign of movement just in case he needed to BOLT.

They'll be friends one day. I'll betcha.

The day was spent riding around - we rode to Granville Island and during lunch, we ran into my friend Holly - she is a glass blower and works at a glass blowing place on the island. They're having a big exhibition soon (which she'll be sending us an invite to) where we can go and dress up all fancy.. I'm really looking forward to that! I embarrassed myself by swearing in the shop - which unfortunately has wood floors and lots of GLASS. Not a whole lot of sound-dampening factor, there. Holly kindly told me a story of another such occurrance in the shop which was even funnier than my own slip up. We then proceeded to beautiful Stanley Park - and being Thursday - was way less busy than it would have been on a weekend. Stopped on the way back for Ice Cream and then rode back to M.'s place in time to recover from the heat ride my bike down to my Nav course...

The Nav. course was great. Learned more about what kind of information could be found on and derived from the maps made by Energy Mines and Resources Canada as well as other maps. Kickass. Sunday is the field day up past Squamish in BC. I'm really looking forward to learning more skills that will keep me safe in the outdoors. (digression) Time to book that Wilderness First Aid course!

The day didn't end there, but my enthusiasm for writing about it now that the sun is starting to peek out from behind the clouds has waned engough that I'm going outside!



(digression) I'll have to book my Wilderness First Aid course on Monday. (/digression)

Almost time for bed.. going to Vancouver tomorrow to spend some time getting to know M. Going to take my dog and my bike and just make a day of it. I have a class from 7-10pm, so it's a good excuse to head out early. Plus, he took the day off. =) I should find the battery charger for my bike light and plug it in cuz it'll be dark when I get out of class at 10 and I plan to ride form M.'s place to class and back again. Free parking is good. Exercise is even better.

Wish me luck, health and happiness. Wealth would be good, too -- but it's not necessary.

Drifting, dreaming, holiday in summertime.

Somebody sign my guestbook. It's lonely.

Began a running program today. Sweat is good, but time for a shower. =)

Home am I from Vanderhoof and visits with my dear friend. Laura. You are HARD CORE. Eight months along and going wheeling to show me the glories of Cheslatta falls, the Kenney Dam and other gorgeous places in Northern BC. I envy the simplicity, wild beauty and gentler pace of your life... I know that one day, I will achieve this. Living the dream.

The trip was fantastic and I just wish it could have lasted a bit longer... but as she said, it'll keep me itching to come back and visit her again - which I will definitely do. I think the fall might be nice.. I want to see all those trees in suits of orange and red and yellow and give the townsfolk something more to talk about (who *was* that person I saw you in town with the other day??!) The black flies that like to take large bites out of me near my hairline will hopefully be gone by then. If not.. .there's always winter!

We saw a moose, four bears and a deer from Friday to Sunday. I have a picture of bear number one. Jeff saw more, but he was driving a taller vehicle on the way to their house from Prince George - we missed the deer that were on the other side of the highway below us because Laura and I were driving in her cute, short Honda Civic. Chilling in their adorable house on 6 and a half acres... walking to the river, playing with and meeting the entire gang of critters that share their home. *waves and snuggles* to Riker, Max, Coffee, Rudy and Rex. Touring the town, riding in an awesome Cheep 4x4 (part Chevy, part Jeep) that has finicky vent fan that sounds like a turbo prop is taking off inside your head, planting flower boxes, eating Moose (yum!) that has been slow-cooked all day in a tasty sauces, talking about old times and new, and watching movies curled up on the couch. These were but a few of the activites that took up our all too brief visit.

Laura and Jeff are convinced that they're having a boy... but they don't know the sex for sure. I wonder if life will throw them a curve or go just the way they're feeling? Time will tell! Good luck guys!

I will be back to invade and impose upon the hospitality of dear Laura and her hubby, oh yes indeed! She has inspired me to take up running again - which she too will do once the baby is big enough and she has recovered enough from the birth. Go us! Sun Run 2003, here I come.

Upon my arrival home, I was happily surprised at the airport by M. and after driving him home shared a wonderful walk in QE park, a fun night-scramble to the top of a rock outcropping (in the process nearly scaring to death the asian girl who was sitting on the stone wall at the top talking to her boyfriend), serious attempts to find subjects that we do NOT agree upon (unsuccessfully) and then walking back to his home to discover that we both adore Dave Matthews Band and love my peanut butter cookies. I also met Wave - who is a huge, powerful, playful, affectionate sweetie of a young cat. *purrt*

How is it that now that I know I can be single, and have no problem with it at all... that suddenly I find myself meeting a man whom I fear is a creation of a halucination? If I didn't have a picture of him and witnesses to confirm that he's real... I'd swear that I was lost in an amazing dream. I don't want to wake up, but if I ever have to, at least I can remember the dream with a smile in my heart.

Happy me, I'm off for the next week. I had a bunch of things on my list of things to do before leaving that didn't get done.. but oh well. I'm only human, and I worked hard, damnit!

Someone is coming to the airport to see me off... I'm very giggly about it. My usual Friday afternoon bounce combined with the added wiggle of having a week off is almost too much for my co-workers to bear... add to this the anticipation of having someone new come to the airport just to see me off and it's DEFINITELY too much for my co-workers to bear.

Actually, I'm not that bad, but I'm damned cheerful.

I'm going to Vanderhoof to visit my high-school best friend. She rocks, and I'm finally going to get to see where she calls home, meet her hubby and say hello (through belly-wall) to her soon-to-be-born child. I think it's going to be a great weekend!

Look out, Laura, here I come!

Sleep is for the weak. Tonight. I am weak.

So... after my huge epiphany about "alone" vs "lonely" I managed to find myself having a date with someone! I wasn't looking for it, I am content to be on my own... but he was intriguing, and it was Star Wars, so I went. =)

It turned out very well (understatement?! Uh.. Yeah) ... and now I'm in a bit of a quandry as to which direction I want this to go in. We talked for hours, and we seem to share so many ideas and experiences... it was very cool to meet someone so like me and yet different... but after much thought and paying attention to my apprehensions I am going to take things slowly, keep following the plan I've made for MY future, and if something wonderful happens... so be it! If not... then I'm still truckin' along for ME.

Mom, of course, could sense that I was interested in someone...(even though I denied it to her) and she's lecturing about not getting into something AND telling me I should wait for George!! (wtf?!?!!) She seems to think he'll "come to his senses" in a few months time. Well... Mom... perhaps we broke up not just becuase he's not ready, but because neither of us is! I still love George and I will always have a place for him in my heart - but more and more I think that we were on different paths and probably diverging rather than coming together. I am NOT waiting for ANYONE. Neither am I going to "settle" for anyone. I'm going to be me, and do my things and if I find someone who wants to share those things, and introduce me to new things... great. If not -- I'm content to keep on living my life.

I used to hear people talk about the differences between being "alone" and being "lonely". I would smile and nod as they explained how these things are so different, but I would never fully grasp what they meant. How could EITHER one be a good feeling? Weren't they exactly the same thing? Devoid of companionship! Missing something in life?

Last night when that ephiphanny hit me, I was floored by how obvious the difference had suddenly become.

Being alone can be a glorious thing. It is only bad if you are lonely. You can be lonely even if you are in a relationship... but if you're okay with being alone, then you're less likely to be lonely... at least in my experience.

One day I might be able to articulate it a bit better... but I think that if a person understands the differnce between the two words... then they don't need my explanations... and if they don't understand, then no matter how eloquently I put it into words, they will not understand until THEY figure it out.

I awoke in an amazing mood, after an amazing (but all too short) sleep during which I had a smile on my face and in my heart the entire night. I still feel great, even though I wish I didn't have to be at work today, or I had some time to actually INVESTIGATE some of the issues I have on my list instead of taking on new call after new call.

Friday + payday = sweet.

My mom's cousin called just before dinner and said she was on her way over... I was making dinner, so I threw in a little more pasta, added a salad and voila! Dinner for 3 becomes dinner for 4.

It was great seeing her again after not seeing her for who knows how many years... at least 10 maybe more! The conversation was fun and family history oriented. Trudy's was the first family wedding I ever attended, so I remember it the best of any of them. To me it was magical a-way back then.

Conversation eventually turned to the topic of tattoos. What is with that topic popping up all the time, now? The disapproval was clear and rampant in my mother's words and tone. She leaves no doubt in anyone's mind that she does not approve of tattoos. Though Trudy has one, she has it in a very hidden spot, and it has special meaning to her, because it was like one her "Poppy" had. He had a monkey on his back. ;-) She does, too. It's Curious George and very cute.

Meanwhile, I'm sitting there and my mother is ranting and raving about how she things "slut" the instant she sees a tattoo on a woman and that's what anyone things and blah blah blah... Trudy agrees, by the way, that tattoos make people think bad things about the person who has it... and while I notice tattoos (and have a huge one that my mother is unaware of... ;-) ) I do not automatically assume bad things about the person who has them. For me, the person's actions tells me much more about who they are than them merely having a tattoo.

During the course of this conversation, with me grimmacing and rolling my eyes at every opportunity and my mother warning me "don't you go out and get one , now just because I said these things" - as if I would alter my body permanently just to SPITE her?! - I felt strong and true to myself and had no desire to ruin my mother's opinion of me by divulging the secret of the tattoo. I'll keep my joy to myself and sucks to be a mom whos daughter can't tell her everything and share certain joys with her...

However... just now i was trying to get to sleep, and I couldn't. I was worrying about how I would meet a guy, he'd see the tattoo and BAM! he'd run like a scared rabbit or worse, turn his nose up at me disdainfully and I'd be alone - oh so alone... I was actually, seriously falling into a pit of despair over this. I tried talking myself out of it. I tried reminding myself that getting this tattoo was my gift to myself, that I love it, that it is really a wonderful part of me... but the DOUBT and FEAR were kicking my emotional butt. WHAT THE HELL!?!

*** warning - gratuitous self-love and respect below ***

What made me feel joy and strength and power once more was One. Simple. Thought. I don't *NEED* *ANYBODY*. If no one comes along in life who will love me and adore me and share life with me simply because I have a gorgeous tattoo on my back... well then, I have many friends and best of all. Most of all. Dearest and simplest and most fantastic of all. I. Have. Me. I can be alone! True to myself. Happy. Joyful. Magical. Mystical. Creative. Beautiful. Tattood. ME! I'm ready to love someone, I'm ready to love lots of someones -- there are so many possibilities... but I will not limit what I do to myself, by myself, FOR myself... just because it might scare "someone" away "someday".

I finally. Really. Truly. Love. Me.

***end gratuitous self-love and respect****

Okay.. I know that was some graphically gratuitous self-love there (I did warn you).. but this is huge. For me. The person who has been filled with self doubt and self loathing (much of it mom-induced) is able to get over mom-induced self doubt and triumphantly feel stronger than ever before without going to anyone else to get that strength. Stupdendous.

Here's me congratulating myself. WHEEEEE! Now I can sleep in peace and harmony!

Surprising as it may seem, I haven't seen Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones, yet.

Seeing the "latest and greatest" movie isn't even in my Top 10 list of priorities right now. It's strange how suddenly it can change. I'm not quite sure why I don't care all that much... I'm a fan and everything - heck, I even lined up for Episode I tickets (and then seats) when it came out. I still want to see Spiderman on the big screen... but somehow I haven't made any time for it -- and I've been off pager for two weeks, now.

What is it that has replaced my desire to see the latest, greatest movie? I'm not sure. I'm enjoying not being a slave to pop culture... but I have yet to figure out totally why I'm not a slave anymore. Maybe it's having Real Life (tm) goals that has changed my perspective on what is important. I visited with my brother for the first time in ages last weekend -- and I'll be moving in to his house next month... I've taken a backpacking course, and I've signed up for more outdoor courses... there are so many other things to do for 2 hours besides sit and watch a movie that's making billions of dollars in ticket and merchandise sales. They don't need my money...

On the other hand, maybe if I had someone special to go with, I wouldn't be so lackadaisical about it. ;-)

I'm lookin' for my missin' piece,
So Fleece my knees and grease my bees!

So there's a dilemma in my life... how to tell guys that are interested in me that I'm fresh out of a relationship and not ready for another one yet. I guess I just tell them up front so they don't feel like I'm leading them on, and never go anywhere on a one on one date. Group outings are safest. =) I'll stick to those -- except in special cases where I've known the guy forever and we're like brother/sister (and he's currently SEEING someone) Heheh. I'm just so suspicious these days!

Still... it would be nice to have a lover... ;-)

At any rate... time for sleep... maybe I'll have something more interesting or mind-altering to post at 6 in the morning.... yeah.. RIGHT!

I still feel pretty yicky but I came to work anyway. Ended up going to my bro's house after going for lunch with him and my mom. Seemed like a good idea to go to the place and see if I can stand living there! Looks like I can. 2 car carport (we'll make Graham park outside!!) ;-) My bedroom would be quite small, but it would be all mine. There is room for my computer, but not for my huge computer desk - at least I don't think so, we'll see. HUGE backyard that Rainy is already in love with, good sized living room with a wood-burning fireplace and a nice sized kitchen that looks out onto the backyard. There's a BBQ and a locking shed out back to store bikes etc. in. The funniest thing about the place is that it's absolutely 70s. Shag carpet. Brown doors and lavarock fireplace. Dim lighting. I'll probably buy my own light fixture/lamp for my room -- just to brighten it up!Maybe for the living room, too. We'll see.

Jacquie, the other roommate who is staying, seems like a cool girl. She likes gardening and plants - there is a veritable jungle in the living room, but as long as I don't have to maintain it - I'm happy. I can store my camping gear underneath my bed -- it'll be fun finding a place to dry it... but a few hooks in the carport should at least allow me to air it out if it comes home soaking wet. And I could probably set up my tent in the living room overnight if necessary. ;-) I'll be close to the mountains and the lakes and I'll be close to the Billy Miner pub. Hopefully some old friends still jam there every Sunday night, because I'd love to get back together with them.

Thanks Devon...

So the crush is gone, thankfully. I was beginning to worry that I was going back to being my old obsessive-self. Not so... not so.

The one thing that's bothering me today is living with my parents... how long did that take? Not even a month? I love them. I appreciate what they're doing for me. But they drive me MAD! I am not a person who changes the sheets on my bed every 7 days. I like to think I'm cleaner than that, and I do it every 2 weeks or so... I don't havea schedule for these things. My mom does.

The inane insipid ever-present elevator music and KennyG soprano sax is making me crazy.

The "Dad cooks breakfast on Saturdays and Sundays and you must eat when it's ready. It would be an insult to eat before then even though you're starving." attitude.

The moving of my sweater to the bannister that is on the way up to the room where I'm sleeping when it's been sitting on a chair for 10 minutes and I go look for it because I'm cold another 10 minutes later and it's not there.

My dad thinking he knows how to look after my dog better than I do... I can just see what it's going to be like if I ever have human children! Yeeg.

I'm bitter because I can't show them my tattoo. I'm just so put off by their attitudes any time they see a woman with a tattoo on TV "Oh, she's hard." To my mom a "hard woman" is someone who has mental problems, is a slut and a bitch and will never amount to anything. Problem is... I *have* amounted to something. I *like* who I am and I *do NOT* need her judging me unfairly for something that I have chosen to give myself and consider to be a wonderful gift. Yeah, I know life's unfair and all that. I just wish my Mom could be a bit more open minded about things and a bit more closed mouthed about the things she isn't open minded about! Very vocal, my mother.

In addition, I'm fighting some kind of illness that isn't all that horrendous, but my mom is telling me every few hours what I should be doing to take care of it, and feeling my forehead with her perfume-laden wrist. Meh. I don't generally like perfume. I don't like my mom's perfume. Sorry mom. It's stinky. Why the heck do you put perfume on when you're just toddling around the house, anyway?!

It's really not all that bad... at least that's what I keep telling myself... it's just all the little things that add up and make me bonkers. I know they love me and mean well... but it's still not easy.

Yeah.. I know... petty petty petty. I'm just down about not having my own space. Soon. Another month. *shudder*

Aside from the silly crush I developed on the weekend, I did learn a lot about keeping safe and healthy while backpacking in the back country:

From a great way to cinch up my backpack hip belt, and tie my boot laces with different tensions over the foot and on the ankle, to how to hang food and keep it from bears, set up a tarp as an emergency shelter or cooking shelter, how to keep my feet in good shape (tend to possible blisters before they happen) how to pack the load in my backpack so the weight is effectively distributed, timing of breaks on the trail, keeping hydrated, outdoor bathroom etiquette, where to pitch your tent in relation to your cooking area and water source and bathroom, what to do if you lose the trail or lose a person in your party, how to deal with surprising a bear on the trail and all sorts of other things.

I've already signed up for a navigation course (one day) and a wilderness survival course (overnight) with the same school - I was thoroughly impressed with the quality and enthusiasm level of the instruction.

Another long day at the office.... this one offset by Pho goodness for dinner... albeit not with the crowd I was truly wanting to eat with. Tomorrow I come straight home so I can do laundry. Wow. What an exciting life. At least by doing laundry I'm being true to myself. Yeah.

Thought about the instructor again on and off today. Fantasies ruling my brain. I'm slowly coming out of the daze... I find if I keep telling myself what I'm working towards and focus on that instead I can function normally... or as close to it as I ever get. What do I want? My. Own. Home. Mine. All. Mine. After I do that, we'll see what comes in the way of loving relationships. I'll join that mountain/hiking club for the experience and for ME and that's all there is to it.

Work was rough today. Too busy, too many people missing and too many calls to get much sense of resolution. Add in the factor of me drifting into a dream world and it made for one strangely surreal and irritating day.

The dreamworld I've let myself slip into involves having a huge crush on the instructor that took us out this weekend. I'm too old for crushes, and yet I have one. I'll never act on it, but my oh my do I ever drift off aimlessly into thoughts of what it would have been like to sneak into his tent on Saturday night! I found him attractive for a number of reasons: British accent, excellent teacher with nearly as much enthusiasm for teaching as he had for the outdorrs (TONS), knowledgeable about backcountry travel, safety and camping, lithe, lean body, great sense of humour, smiling eyes, believes in low-impact camping, and at the end of the trip I got an amazing hug from him. Good hugs say a lot about a person. I keep thinking about him and it's just WRONG. Why? Well... because I'm using this made-up feeling as a band-aid for my recent breakup... and... he's married. He doesn't wear a ring, but that's probably because he's a rock climber.. he only mentioned his wife once.. and that was at the pre-trip meeting.

Still... I did enjoy hiking behind him... nice view. ;-)

I'm not ready for a real relationship yet... but I shouldn't let myself drift off into dreamland and ignore the reality of healing and growth that I truly need. I will, however, join a backcountry hiking/camping club and see if I can meet more like-minded people.

I had such a fantastic time... not only because of the fun of the crush, but I learned tons about hiking, making and breaking camp, cooking outdoors, staying safe in bear country and a whole host of other things. I'll write up some tips and tricks that I learned on the trip and make up some kind of web page... one day. ;-)

For now it's time to go take my sweet doggie for a walk.