B1 d t- k s- u-- f i o++ x e l+ c-

Weekend. That used to be a time for me to just be me and not have to worry about work. It still is. Only now, it really MEANS something. At work I feel quite stressed by my large number of issues and my inability to get complete closure on all of them. I like closure. Closure is good. It's also nigh impossible to get in life.

I can see why people go out and party their faces off on the weekend. They get drunk to forget the meaningless drivel that is their lives during the week. They dance to work off some of the insane, inane stress of their lives as worker bees. Personally, I still don't think I'll ever be a big party girl... but I do like to dance once in a while. Only 11 days into January and already I'm behind.

Body for Life... gotta get with it. The eating I'm doing *okay* on... the exercise I'm doing *okay* on... but the hot body and self confidence and knowledge that I can really do something that I set out to accomplish will take more than just being *okay* about doing something. Feh.

I get inspired and then it dies out. Too quickly.

I'm going to change that.

I want to go to hawaii with George. Anyone know a place to get cheap flights?

Lemme know.

In other news, Heather has announced that going to Peru this year would be a financial strain, and possibly jeapordize the amount of enjoyment and enlightenment that she could get out of the trip. It has been decided that the big trip will be postponed until June of 2003. Meanwhile, Heather will use this time to upgrade her work, language and travel skills with a variety of courses and by taking some shorter local backpack adventures.

Freak out!

Apartment clean. More or less.

George is going to Zoe tonight... Doug and Ali's favourite restaurant in Americaland. He didn't get to go last night because he had to work late at the hospital... that sounds like I'm dating a doctor or something.. but no, he's a PACS Integration Specialist. Me, I'm a Remote Administration and Service Specialist... ain't that special? It's a good job, but it's a bit disorganized right now -- too many sites, too little time. I have some major follow up to do if I want to shrink my issues list (which I do). Time to leap on that tomorrow.

And remember to load the vacuum that is parked by the front door so I can't miss it into the car to take to work for //Cow and Babyblade.

Ugh. Tired. Thirsty.

Solution: Drink some water and go to bed!

G'nite.

I can do this

I worked until 7pm tonight.. I started at 7am. I had to stay, or I would have gone crazy. I stayed so I could feel what it would be like NOT to have to answer the phone at work, and to actually be able to look into those little nagging problems for customers that I have no time to deal with when big things are blowing up. I even got a few little nagging things cleared up. That was nice.

Then I drove to Booster Juice and got me a Best Defence smoothie... cuz well... five out of 7 people that are in my group at work are SICK. I'm surrounded. I will not let it get me! I exercised and I'm going to bed early. Drank lots of water, ate healthy food... time for the all-healing sleep to carry me through the rest of what looks to be a very long week.

Have to clean up the apartment tomorrow. Have to.

George comes home on Thursday. =)

*sigh*

Work is hectic. Too many things blowing up that shouldn't be. Can't follow up the way I'd like to with customers... too many new things blowing up every day. *sigh*

Is it just me or do smokers who wear cologne stink *particularly* badly? I think their sense of smell is so nuked that they slap on the cologne to a level where *they* can smell it and all the rest of us have to suffer with the combination of foul, stale cigarette-smell and hideous, overwhelming cologne-stench.

I almost prefer just the cigarette smell.

I think I'm going to buy a gass mask, but I doubt he'll get the hint.

Okay, so MINUS the cycling to work. Headaches suck first thing in the morning, cycling to work with a sore lower body (lower body day on Wednesday) *and* a splitting headache, sucks more.

I spoke to a colleague from where I used to work, tonight. She's in the boat I expect to be in... but not quite. She's 41 and single, living on her own, going to work every day and hating life. In my future, I don't see the 'hating life' part. I'm going to take control of my own happiness. Mom's coming over this weekend, and we're going to hang out, etc... I don't have any problem saying "I'm not planning on getting married anytime soon" to her, anymore - because it's the truth.

If marriage happnes, it will happen because we are two people who compliment each other but have our own lives, interests and financial security. Sounds materialistic, but I don't want to lean on anyone - no more than I want someone leaning on me. It's not a relationship of equals when that happens. I have a relationship of equals right now, and it's gorgeous. Neither of us are ready to get married, though -- we're both still building our life experiences and setting up our futures. Who knows what the future brings in that regard? I might as well put my planning and dreaming skills to use on something that's attainable by me and me alone.

I can't believe how after one week, beginning with a talk with George and followed by a few days of soul-searing soul searching, I feel so completely different. I feel satsified, but not satisfied to sit still and let life *happen* to me. I feel at peace, but restless - ready to go out and take on myself and the world. I expect to have my bad days, still... but fewer of them - and hopefully I will be able to recognize them coming on, and do something constructive to change them into good days.

And now I am going to go do cardio. I must, I must, I must decrease my butt... okay.. so that's not how it goes. ;-)

KICK ASS!

Happy Two ought ought two!

Couldn't get to sleep last night on account of my brain. =)

I couldn't stop thinking about the logistics of my Peru trip -- timing is everything and I have a couple of other trips that are "must take" this year -- one is Kimli's wedding and the other is George and I wanting to take a week off in Hawaii early this year... how to juggle/pay for it all!?!

Drat my brain.

Luckily I had taken a nap earlier in the evening so I could go to see "A Beautiful Mind". I really enjoyed it, but then I was awake until 11 with my brain in overdrive.

Body for LIFE started yesterday. Upper body. Ow. I'm skipping the cardio today and going to the lower body workout to get "caught up" so I'm on track for the week... I did ride my bike in to work today (as every day) so I get SOME cardio that way. Cardio on Thursday will be by the book + cycling to work.

I rock. I'm going to change my life.

So Redwood just left on the bus. We ran a little late -- but managed to get him to the bus JUST on time. =) Thank goodness we live five minutes from the Train/Bus station.

We only had a short visit, but we packed in the things to do. Yesterday we tried the winter sport of curling. I've never done it before, and neither had Redwood - but we both improved a lot over the course of the two hours. I'm sore today -- muscles I've never used before! Our team (George, Redwood, Mike (a guy from work) and myself) lost by one point. Not bad considering we were all newbies except George, who had been one time before this!

After curling, George left to go snowboarding with his Dad and brother -- and Redwood and I headed out to watch the Royal Tenenbaums - it was sold out when we got there so we watched Khandahar instead. Weird film, but I found it very interesting... it just didn't have enough of the loose ends tied up at the end to satisfy my "Western" mindset, but it gave me a glimpse into Afghan culture and the bhurga that had never imagined Redwood said I owed him huggles for making him see that film. ;-) After that, we found that Royal Tenenbaums was starting in about 20 minutes, so we bought tickets and went to see that, too. Hilarious film. Very quirky. It will make you think your own family isn't nearly as fucked up as you thought they were.

After the movie we walked back home and shortly afterwards George arrived home, sore from snowboarding, and we went for dinner at La Terazza. We rushed it a bit, and didn't have desert -- damn, because their cheesecake baked in phyllo pastry is to die for -- but we made it to the Vancouver Theatresports League late night "Scared Scriptless" show. It was worth it. The laughing we did worked off some of dinner and then we headed home and went to sleep.

Whew!

Today was brief - we slept until around 10AM and then had blueberry pancakes and walked up to Booster Juice for smoothies and to see the Vancouver Public Library (a building featured in the Arnold movie "The Sixth Day"). We walked home in the sunshine with Redwood snapping tourist shots and Rainy bounding around enjoying the outdoors and then had to rush to get Redwood to the bus on time.

We made it and now I'm home and ready to get cracking on finishing the cleanup and organization of this room.

Away I go... I'll share pictures when I figure out how to post some.

I went to MEC tonight. I tried on packs. I picked this one.

It fits wonderfully -- I carried it fully loaded all around the store for about 20 minutes and it hardly felt like I was carrying anything. Mind you, I did feel a whole lot lighter when I took it off.

I'll save me up some money and buy that one in sage green. Everywhere else online it's USD $345.00. I love that it's made in Canada. I ran into my neighbour down the hall at MEC and told him about my plan to go to Peru. He told me that he gets really good deals on plane tickets and he offered to get George and I good deals if we ever need to fly anywhere. He's a really great neighbour, even without the plane ticket offer. Nice people rock.

My mom's coming to stay overnight in two weeks. George will be in Washington working at the University Hospital upgrading their radiology PACS system... that's what we do... he installs, I do remote service. It's a challenge. It's a living. (It'll get me to Peru this year!) Mom and I will do girly things and rent girly movies and probably have long talks. Hopefully she can see that I'm happy and will continue to be happy as long as I'm true to myself. She sees me so differently than I see myself... she said to me on the phone tonight (in an exasperated voice) "Well, I *did* want you to grow up to be independent, and you're *definitely that*" Hmm... Here I am, realizing that I really haven't been independent my whole life. I've been depending on others to make me happy when really, all of that comes from within.

Lots to do... Sleep to get...

Redwood is coming over this weekend! We're going curling and out to dinner at our favourite fancy restaurant "La Terazza". It will be nice to see him again.

It's never easy to really change, is it?

Saw LotR tonight at the IMAX theatre on the HUGE screen. Wow. I was impressed, but I shouldn't have read the books again *first*. I won't make the same mistake next year!

Have lots to do tonight - reorganizing my 'office' at home... reorganizing my life... reorganizing my brain. Not too tall an order, now, is it? Nah!

One step at a time, just keep moving forward.

I decided today that I want a life that people would want to read about. I'm going to be not just the "official" Black Sheep of the family... but the BEST GODDAM BLACK SHEEP OF THE FAMILY that our family has ever had.

Just you watch.

Maybe I'm just not meant to be like other people. Today at work I was listening to Kyle tell Eric about the scare he and his wife had and how he had to take her to hospital for some pregancy-related complications... I feel for them, but I don't feel like I could ever be there, doing that. :-/ One day perhaps, but I'm not ready to settle down and have kids and a family, yet.

I still have to figure out who I am and where I am in life, however. That's the fun part. =D So many people here are living ordinary lives... how can I make mine extraordinary? Riding my bike to work every day is a start - that's not "normal". Guess I'd better get cracking and get my rear rim replaced. It's worn out and causing my flat tires. Evil.

I started looking at packs online... have to find a good backpacking/hostelling/travelling newsgroup or mailing list.

George gave me a 'travel' calendar on Friday. Talk about timing... that's when I decided that travel on my own was what I needed to do... and he came through with a gorgeous calendar from the travel agency.

I love him, but I'm still confused about what our future holds -- mainly because I'm still confused about me. Crazy world. Crazy life.

Weekend with Doug and Ali (and an all-too-brief interlude with Kim and Ed) is over. We made more gingerbread cookies and decorated them all up. What fun! Dinner was huge and wonderful at the Boathouse in Richmond and then everyone was off. Us home, the rest of them to Seattle.

Guess what George is doing? Yep. Playing games. Sucks to be me.

Back to work tomorrow - then to the parents' house for Christmas. I'm kind of dreading it. I'd rather be with George -- but things are up and down with us... mainly because I'm in a different place in my life than he is in his. I feel old. I feel lonely. I feel lost. I feel all sorts of things... but this year I'm taking steps to remedy that. I will start travelling. I must. Alone.

I do too much with other people, or what other people might think, in mind. It's time for me to find myself in ways I haven't yet done. I'll save up my holidays (and money) and go to Peru. Magic. Mystery. Ancient cultures. Large spiders. I'll find a way around the spiders somehow. It'll be worth it.

Time to find a backpack and screw up my courage and determination.

Welcome to a journal about ME. Go away if you don't like it. It's my journal. :-P~~~

Ho... hum.... have to go pack things to take to the 'rents. Feh.

Sleep helps. Friends help. I still don't want to go back to boring old conventional me -- and I won't. This is going to confuse the hell out of my mother, but you know what? It's NOT HER LIFE.

Hungry.

Must.

Eat.

Breakfast.

What sucks? Life. The Universe and Everything.

Fuck it all. Sometimes I feel like leaping from a tall building... namely the one I live in. I can picutre my body sailing through the air and landing in a splatter of blood and bone on the pavement. Why can I imagine this? WHY DO I?!?!? Somebody tell me because I don't know. I hate me. I hate how little I've become. I hate.

I hate this meaningless life we all lead. I hate the pressures of family. The pressures of society. The pressures of my own FUCKED UP brain.

I hate my journal with all it's meaningless drivel. Everyone else seems to have something REAL to say... or maybe I just skip over the journals like mine because they're so fucking boring.

Whatever.

Even this writing, coming from all this pain and ugliness is nothing more than drivel. Words don't have enough feeling for what is going on inside me. That's probably why I've been screaming and crying for the past 20 minutes.

There's just WAY too much going on in me.

George says "go to sleep" and goes off to play FUCKING Q3. He says he loves me. I wish he'd show it or leave me the fuck alone. Cuz maybe that's what I need to be but don't have the stinking guts for.

I thought all this melodramatic shit was supposed to end in your teens.

I'm still a teen. In my late 20s. Fuck.

No more trying to be witty for me. I'm just not. I'm just a screwed up, needy, whiney teenager looking for someone else to make me happy -- or to blame for me not being happy already. Loser. Shut the fuck up and do something GOOD with your life.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I feel like this? Short answer: lack of sleep and challenges to my "world view". I don't even have a world view of my own. It's been painted on to me by my parents, my past lovers, my own stupid NEED to feel like I belong somewhere. Is THAT why I want to be "married". Because nothing else I've done has made me feel like I actually BELONG anywhere.

Adoption leaves me with holes. Questions.

Where are you Birth Mom? Do you love me? Am I part of you? Are you part of me?

Married wouldn't fix this.

Only I can. And that scares the FUCK out of me.

Trying to gain my own world view. This is one of the most painful processes I can imagine, emotionally. What the hell?!? It's like George tells me about working out. Your body basically wants to be lazy and go along as it is. You start pushing it and it starts hurting.. tyring to make you stop... but if you don't stop, if you keep going, it'll eventually get used to the new level of intensity or it will break down. I figure it's the same with my psyche. My brain. My whatever-the-hell-is making me feel this way right now. I've pushed it past it's limits and it wants to go back. Back to boring. Back to "let's get married and have a family" back to the status quo.

I don't want the status quo. That's what this is about. I could wimp out and go back to being boring old me - funny on the surface, 'carefree' 'happy'. Whatever.
I'm not going back. I want to be FREE to be ME. Whatever this ME is or becomes.

Deal with this psyche. I'm going to MAKE you.

Get some sleep... or stay up forever until you die.

Funny how typing this works it all out in a way. I might not even post this. But why shouldn't I?

George does love me. I know this. He doesn't have to prove it.

Crazy mo-fo..

Now I can sleep.

There's not much to say. I take a day off sick and it turns out sunny. Damn are they ever gonna talk at work. I finally dragged my butt out of bed. I'm all bundled up warm to avoid the dreaded DRAFT *shudder*. Drafts give me cramps. Cramps make me double over in agony and moan as though I were the undead. I avoid drafts at all costs. I wonder if the undead all have massive cramps?

I may even take my bundled up self into the kitchen and attempt fudge today, since it's sunny... but the only recipes I have confidence in and can find online at Skaarup's are in IMPERIAL. Completely. Ounces? How the hell many cups do I need? Tell me millilitres! Tell me milligrams! Anything but ounces. I tried this recipe last year -- thinking that a "can" would be the same size up here. Nope. WAY too much liquid in last year's fudge. It never set. It never even came close to setting. It was liqui-fudge. Maybe I'll write to that Skaarup's place and beg them for metric. If they truly think the world should make more fudge, maybe they'll oblige. Ya think? Maybe Nanaimo bars are more my speed this year - they were my emergency backup last year...

Having only the 25th and the 1st off over the holidays really sucks. I have the weekends off, too... but it's just not fun going to work on Monday having Tuesday off and being right back in there for Wednesday... at 7AM. Could be worse. I could be on the 6AM shift. Again. For the fourth week. I actually like the 6am shift, but it makes being lazy out of the question. I can't easily take the bus that early in the morning and riding my bike for 45 minutes in the cold December air when drafts are the absolute enemy isn't a great option, either.

I'm worried that people are going to think my homemade gifts are cheezy and lame. Not "big" enough or something... I hope not, because I put a lot of time, effort and heart into Christmas this year -- way more than other years when I went out and spent way too much money. I guess this goes to show you how programmed I am with the commercialism of Christmas. "If you're not spending Billions ® on your friends for Christmas © , you don't really Love Them ® !" *cringe*

Self doubt, cramps... hmmm I wonder what time of the month it is?

Journal of the day... more like journal of the week... Last few times I tried to update.. blog died. Ah well... c'est la vie. La vie, today, involves a great deal of cramping. Silly me forgetting my pills near the end of the pack. Ugh. Oof. No work for this girl tomorrow if the pain and puking don't get any better by morning. I hate the bad months.

On a lighter note, I finally mailed my Christmas cards and packages -- so all you who are receiving snail mail love from Heather will be getting it shortly (Canda Post willing...)

I'm going to go get some White Spot. I need comfort.

Tra la laaaa I the code I cut and paste didn't work... tra la laaaaa - the wonder of the web, I delete it!

Work is going better. Except for one nameless individual who has been downright snarky lately. Who pissed in your Starbucks? Snarky sucks.

I'm going to bed, now.. I haven't had enough sleep the last few days and my muscles are feeling it after riding to work again today. Ow. Leg cramp. Ow. Stop. Ow. Sleep.