What sucks? Life. The Universe and Everything.

Fuck it all. Sometimes I feel like leaping from a tall building... namely the one I live in. I can picutre my body sailing through the air and landing in a splatter of blood and bone on the pavement. Why can I imagine this? WHY DO I?!?!? Somebody tell me because I don't know. I hate me. I hate how little I've become. I hate.

I hate this meaningless life we all lead. I hate the pressures of family. The pressures of society. The pressures of my own FUCKED UP brain.

I hate my journal with all it's meaningless drivel. Everyone else seems to have something REAL to say... or maybe I just skip over the journals like mine because they're so fucking boring.

Whatever.

Even this writing, coming from all this pain and ugliness is nothing more than drivel. Words don't have enough feeling for what is going on inside me. That's probably why I've been screaming and crying for the past 20 minutes.

There's just WAY too much going on in me.

George says "go to sleep" and goes off to play FUCKING Q3. He says he loves me. I wish he'd show it or leave me the fuck alone. Cuz maybe that's what I need to be but don't have the stinking guts for.

I thought all this melodramatic shit was supposed to end in your teens.

I'm still a teen. In my late 20s. Fuck.

No more trying to be witty for me. I'm just not. I'm just a screwed up, needy, whiney teenager looking for someone else to make me happy -- or to blame for me not being happy already. Loser. Shut the fuck up and do something GOOD with your life.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I feel like this? Short answer: lack of sleep and challenges to my "world view". I don't even have a world view of my own. It's been painted on to me by my parents, my past lovers, my own stupid NEED to feel like I belong somewhere. Is THAT why I want to be "married". Because nothing else I've done has made me feel like I actually BELONG anywhere.

Adoption leaves me with holes. Questions.

Where are you Birth Mom? Do you love me? Am I part of you? Are you part of me?

Married wouldn't fix this.

Only I can. And that scares the FUCK out of me.

Trying to gain my own world view. This is one of the most painful processes I can imagine, emotionally. What the hell?!? It's like George tells me about working out. Your body basically wants to be lazy and go along as it is. You start pushing it and it starts hurting.. tyring to make you stop... but if you don't stop, if you keep going, it'll eventually get used to the new level of intensity or it will break down. I figure it's the same with my psyche. My brain. My whatever-the-hell-is making me feel this way right now. I've pushed it past it's limits and it wants to go back. Back to boring. Back to "let's get married and have a family" back to the status quo.

I don't want the status quo. That's what this is about. I could wimp out and go back to being boring old me - funny on the surface, 'carefree' 'happy'. Whatever.
I'm not going back. I want to be FREE to be ME. Whatever this ME is or becomes.

Deal with this psyche. I'm going to MAKE you.

Get some sleep... or stay up forever until you die.

Funny how typing this works it all out in a way. I might not even post this. But why shouldn't I?

George does love me. I know this. He doesn't have to prove it.

Crazy mo-fo..

Now I can sleep.