I've been feeling really defeated today. It has basically been decided that I am "not cut out for" my job. It's not a good "job fit" for me. They've given me a couple of "chances" to keep my issues list down and I didn't succeed in doing so. They "gave me the chance" when I didn't have a clear idea of what was expected of me yet they are judging me based on my "failure" at that time - and that is what's stuck in my gourd right now. Sure, the job fit *isn't* right.. I know that, yet they also haven't given me any clear options at this time. How am I supposed to feel any kind of motivation to 'perform' at my job when I still don't have a clear idea of the expectations they have - AND I know that they've alredy decided my fate? Nothing I do now will change it, and it ain't worth the stress.

Being under the gun and having your every move monitored at work makes for a hellish existence. The Company doesn't have a leg to stand on as far as firing me based on my performance - plus they have to give me something like 3 written warning - I've recieved one so far. But the main problem is that they haven't been able to define what is expected of me - they say it's "too difficult" to come up with a definition of what is acceptable performance for our job. Yet, somehow they say I'm below this "non-existent" expectiation... Bullshit. They just don't have the expertise in-house to be able to devlop a clear job description and list of expectations and they won't admit it or do anything to make it better. They don't even consider it a problem.

FED UP! Most of us in Service are... a ticking time bomb...

On a similar note, I find that the corporate world as I know it does not reward those who wish to become spiritually and emotionally and creatively complete. Those of us who have creative and productive lives outside of our work are considered inferior to those that dedicate themselves solely to 'the company'. At least that's how it appears to be in the corporate world that I live in. The people that believe in this pro-corporate view of the world actually look down on the people who don't subscribe to it. "You'll never get ahead" "You'll never make good money" as though those should be the ultimate goals of every member of the human race. *sigh*

How twisted it appears to me - someone on the other side of the coin for whom this job is merely a way to make money to fund my passions. Right now, however, this job is dominating my entire life leaving no time for my passions. 1.5 hours to get to work each day. 1.5 hours to get home each day. 8.5 hours AT work each day. This job eats my soul. At some point, at some time, things have got to change. Whether I get to the breaking point and cannot continue due to stress-related health concerns or they let me go because my performance deteriorates beyond any useful (yet undefineable) level, has yet to be seen.

What a negative post after so long an absence... but honestly, with all the stress over this 'work thing' for the past month, I haven't had any time that I wanted to spend on the computer after work and no time to do it during work. It just reminded me too much of the horrible state of my life... take that with a grain of salt - because the ONLY thing horrible in my life right now is work - but because it is dominating my life, it wipes out most of the joy have in the rest of my life. It is wonderful, if I could just enjoy it.

I love you, M.

So much.

You keep me sane and remind me of the promise of what life can be. Together. Thank The Powers That Be for YOU.

Gotta love that I can POST to my own blog but not READ my own blog from work. Gah. Hail the New Corporate Leaders!

My heart is about to burst with this news - and there's no one around here to TELL!

This may seem insignificant to everyone else but me - but today the Minister of Finance cashed the cheque I wrote them back in August. The cheque was payment for an active search by the Adoption Reunion Registry for my birth mother. This means that the search has begun.

My heart is racing with nerves and excitement. I wonder what the outcome will be...

Hmmm. Working on a holiday sucks... . Though it gives me money for things I couldn't otherwise do, like go see Cirque Eos last Friday with M. It was wonderful. M. really enjoyed himself, as did I. Way cheaper than Cirque du Soleil, a bit more intimate, and no less impressive and magical! They're moving the show to San Diego... so anyone in that area should check them out. Very cool.

Saturday we went to Watermania in Richmond with M.'s 9 year old neice. She's a cool kid - man she wore us (and herself eventually) out. Headed back to my place after dropping her off at her Dad's, and blessedly no roommates were present - always a nice bonus - then we stayed up late watching Happenstance - a French film wiht Audrey Tatou (actress who played Amelie). Not as magical as Amelie, but cool nontheless.

Sunday did a non-traditional Thanksgiving dinner at my parents. Scallops with mushrooms and shallots in white wine sauce over basmati rice, asparagus, fresh carrots, potato rolls and spring greens salad with balsemic vinegar dressing. Tres Yum. Except... I didn't cook the (pre frozen) scallops quite enough... and we all had urgent bathroom business after that... LOL. At least that is all that happened!

Then back to work today... meh. At least I get a real Turkey dinner tonight! Going to M.'s mom's place. Yum. Looking forward to it!

That's my haircut blog for the weekend. Enjoy.

The sun is peeking through the clouds in my soul today. Feels better. Where the heck did that storm come from, anyway? Have to start watching the Internal Weather Channel or something....

I've been trying to make myself invisible this morning. So far it's not working all that well. Working through emotional growth. Avoiding emotional growth. Wishing I could just curl up on the couch in front of a fireplace with some nice quiet music... for about a month. With nobody else home. Some days you wonder about everything you thought you were certain of. This is one of those days.

ADSL might be working better, now. We'll see if this keeps up.

I finally called Telus support tonight after not being able to resolve any websites or domains... and it seems PCAnywhere was screwing up some of my IP settings - not allowing it to renew. It's faster now than it's ever been, here, and I'm SO HAPPY. And SO TIRED.

G'nite all.


Where is everyone on IRC these days? Somebody tell me? QGirlZ? Post it? Tell me? Something... ?

Internet has been out again for the past few days... it was partially there this morning, but I only have 5 minutes in the morning to do anything. Meh. So... no updates for a while until Telus sorts out their sorry-ass lack of service.

I miss IRC. Where is everyone these days?

Understanding computers is one thing... understanding humans is another altogether. I think I'd rather spend my time learning how to understand humans than computers. Methinks I'm in the wrong line of work.

Sometimes I envy the unemployed. Like today.

Argh. I want to get paid to do what I WANT to do.

Now all I have to do is figure out what that is.

Wedding was beautiful. The day turned out sunny and bright amidst two cloudy, blustery, rainy days - though it was certainly cold! Vegas was alright, too. I don't feel much like updating since my net connect at home has been nonexistent until mid-yesterday and my first day back at work started out with me being 3.5 hours early for my 9:30 shift (Earl. You bastard.) with the IP address changed on my machine and on all others that I access, as well as my chair missing. I need another vacation... this time not in Vegas, mkay? I had fun hanging out with all who were there - and the splitting into groups of four and five made things easier at times. I wish we'd made it to the Secret Garden of Siefried and Roy (doesn't THAT sound dirty!?) maybe if I ever get out to Vegas again one day - I'll find my way to the Secret Garden.... (tee hee! dirty!).

For now... lunch is over and it's time to get back to work.

Heard an interesting protest bumper sticker from Berkeley California the other day...


"There's a terrorist behind every Bush."


Controversial? Oh yeah.

Busy days... working hard to clear things up at work so I can enjoy my vacation... getting everything ready to leave Vancouver for Edmonton and then Las Vegas... finding the perfect wedding present wrapping - which will no doubt get crushed on the plane! I need a bigger suitcase! Off to work, now.. Ali will be with Kim and Ed tomorrow! Christy and I arrive Wednesday! Whee!

Singing... "I don't wanna work.. I just want to cut glass and bake all day.... "

September 11th, 2002. One year later. I have been quiet in my reflection. The media coverage of memorials and replays of images from last September 11th are everywhere. I do not need them. I do not watch them. I won't ever forget.

Peace Be. Please.

I remembered a time from my early teenage years - trying out for the basketball team at my new Junior High School. I worked my butt off at that tryout - hoping to make the team and play sports - but when the list of players who made the first cuts came out, my name wasn't on it. I was devastated. I was upset. I was too wimpy to go and challenge it. There was another Heather who tried out the same day. She wasn't as athletic as I was, she couldn't even hit the basket with the ball and yet her name was on the list. I was heartbroken. I still thought that teachers and all others in authority were infallible and all-knowing.

I wonder how different my life would be now if I had stood up for myself then and asked "Why didn't I make the team?"

My heart is with Kim as she battles the evil Snooty Lady Clan at the Worst Bridal Shop in Calgary. I'm so glad that she and Ali are so close and that Ali was able to be with her for the past week. I don't have a 'best friend' like that - I don't think I'm the 'best friend' type... but I know a beautiful thing when I see it and it makes me happy. The wedding is soon, and it will be wonderful and fantastic and fun and then it will (seemingly of key importantance at this point) be OVER WITH! Then Vegas and delightful hedonistic debauchery, which I'm looking forward to!

Hiking was great fun on the weekend, despite the rain. Ahhhhhhh... the Great Outdoors.

Word of the day: Exquisite.

Oh yeah... www.epona.com is no more... in case you'd ever gone there and wondered what the heck was up. They finally caught on to me. We deleted everything after we downloaded it all. All clear.

I'll find some other hosting, someplace... for pictures and the like.

It's tough to rationalize feelings. Dwelling on them doesn't help. Musing and fretting and worrying about them only allows them to take over. Feelings aren't rational, at all. The only thing that I find helps me to work through them without blowing them all out of proportion is to write about them. Morning Pages especially help me - but blogging can help almost as much.

What I'm feeling today is incompetent at my job. I'm not. I KNOW I'm not... but when it gets busy - I just don't feel as confident in my abilities as I should.

I have other feelings in the mix today, too. I'm wearing my favourite pair of pants. They are nearly too small for me. In fact they ARE too small for me. I don't like how that makes me feel. I know I'm going to do something about it, but I'm doubting that it will succeed even before I've tried. I know I am capable. I've done it before. I just have to exercise and eat right. 2 bagels a day with light cream cheese plus fruits and veggies, salmon and soy and I should be good to go. I just have to eat smaller portions. Cut the sugar and processed or fast foods -- add exercise 5 or 6 days a week and I'll shrink. I can DO this. I just have my doubts. I feel like I'm just going to keep growing instead of either staying the same or shrinking. Shrinking is what I want.

Do I join a gym just to pay them and not go? I ask myself these questions without an answer in my head, then I work through them here and find the answers. What if I reward myself with a gym membership if I can get up and go for a brisk walk/jog every morning for a month? I can take Rainy, she'd like that. When the weather starts to turn, I'll join the gym - and by then I'll probably have cancelled my cell phone - the cost of which will pay for the gym. I'm planning to cancel it, but there are some messages from M. on there that I want to save - so first I have to figure out a way to do that! ;-) I'm such a goof.

Back to work.

Following my train of thought is like following a thousand bumblebees all going in a different direction at once.

Alive and well.... well... almost well. I've been getting sick WAY too often since starting to drive from Maple Ridge every day to work... maybe it's work, maybe it's the car and it's leaky, fumey way.... maybe it's not getting enough rest, enough healthy food, enough exercise. Maybe it's all of the above. These things will all change. Slowly. I'm going to get a gym membership. In order to get the gym membership, I'm going to cancel my cell phone. I don't use it. Well... I would if my plan covered any USEFUL hours. I paid over $95 last month because I used it OUTSIDE the "included" time for my plan. My old plan rocked. I never went "outside the lines". The new plan they stuck me with sucks wide open ass. No free anytime minutes. Free weekday evenings and free weekends.. but they don't start till 7pm (I'm already home) and they end before 7am (I'm just waking up). So... I think I'll just give people my work number and my home number and let the messages roll in. I can check my work messages from anywhere, which rocks. My home messages, I don't know the number to call or the password for it. Hmm.. Have to remedy that.

That'll pay for my fitness club membership, and working the 9:30 to 6 shift as much as possible will mean I can go before work - if I work at 6am I'll go after work. If I work inbetween shifts, I'll probably go after work, too. Have to find a gym with incredible hours. Have to go 5-6 days/week. Have to eat better. WILL eat better. Have to find my new running shoes... where the heck did they go?!?

The trip to the Kootenays with M. and M's Mum was awesome. A great break despite getting yet another dizzy spell and sore throat and other bacteria-induced goodness. We went to Peachland and then on to Lemon Creek (sleeping in Bonnington at a friend of their family's home) and travelling to Lemon Creek one of the days to clean up and document the damages done by their previous tenant. Hard work and disheartening for M's Mum... but hopefully she'll figure out what to do with the property from here. Peachland (and a home of another friend of the family) was our stop the next day as well -- and there we had a whole day where we didn't have to go anywhere or do anything. We went to SummerHill Winery (the one with the Pyramid in Kelowna) and then drove a back road up by chute lake and then down around the bottom of the valley to return to their wonderful view property for a delicious BBQ of steak and chicken with fresh veggies from the garden. Yum. Later on that evening after dinner M and I went for a LONG walk. It wasn't planned as such, but I tell you.... a walk like that every day and I'd be fitter than Janet Jackson. Okay, maybe not that fit, but I would be able to eat anything at all that I wanted and not gain an ounce. It's quite a climb from Okanagan Lake to their sweeping view property. Quite a climb. Ow. Travelled home over the back road from Peachland to Princeton - fun and windy and twisty and gravel. I felt like I was in a rally! M. even let me drive for much of it - even though I could see the HUGE grin on his face the whole time he was driving. Love you, M. Tons.

I'm tired today, but looking forward to just two weeks from now when I head out to Edmonton to be a witness and a wedding party member at the marriage of my two dear friends Kim and Ed. They rock so hard it hurts - and I get to be part of it. I know there have been times where Kim wondered why she asked me to be in it - but if she can just feel one iota of the love in my heart for them, she'll remember why... even when I'm at my most trying. Celebrating with them is going to be one of two highlights in a very turbulent year for me. The other being meeting my soul mate. I'll miss M. but I'll be able to call him at work and give him remote love from Edmonton and Vegas. Wish you could come with me, babe!

So... like.. yeah... and stuff...

Whee. I have my dress, I have my wedding gift (well first of two - the first, I bought, the second I'm waiting until my skill level improves at Stained Glass before attempting.... I want it to be worth hanging in the window!) Plus, it'd be better to give it to Kim and Ed when they MOVE OUT HERE in case of breakage during the journey/shipping of said gift to Alberta and back to BC when they MOVE OUT HERE. ;-)

And on to the coming weekend. I have Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday AND Tuesday off. I'm going to go with M and his Mum to the Kootenays, once more! It will be a fairly relaxed trip in a rental car - so we will actually have a stereo - possibly even a CD player. I'll have to ask M. tonight and maybe bring a couple of CDs with me on the trip if we do. Wow. Music on a Road Trip. What a concept!?! Heh.. it's only stunning to me because our last trip out there was in The Beast. The Beast has only an AM radio. There's not much AM radio out there... and what there is is only available for a limited time while quantities last. Drive by the sign that posts the radio frequency and you're nearly out of range, already. It's pretty much not worth turning the radio on.

Perhaps I'll invest in a CD player for my car... one that I can transfer to a NEW car when I get it --- and then reinstall the original radio into The Beast when it moves on in the world.

Whew... time to go home already! Whee!

A Story: I didn't do my Morning Pages for 3 days. I started to freak out about Life, The Universe and Everything. I did one page out of three this morning (so far) and suddenly things don't seem NEARLY so bad.

The Moral: Morning Pages are my brain's very best friend.

In other news:

Yes.. the "new beau meeting the parents weekend extraveganza" happened on Saturday.. amidst the 65th birthday party for my Aunt and my mother meddling in the cousin to cousin mini-fued that my brother and cousin are embroiled in. Neither of them asked for her help. Of course. Mom says "He's fine" when I ask what she thought of Matthew. Course, she's embarassed that she got overly tipsy in the hot tub and could barely walk afterwards.. I've never seen her like that -- must have been the stress of the twenty minute confrontation she initiated with my cousin. Why? Oh why? I may never know.

Before the confrontation, my mother chatted with M. and seemed to get along well with him. My Dad, as usual, was quiet and just watching everything that was going on around him. I didn't realize that he was IN on my Mom's verbal assault on my cousin until she came back to the table and, between sips of wine, told my Dad all about it while he lent a sympathetic ear and my brother rolled his eyes at her.

I speak to her today and ask her a favour... could she look after Rainy... from the get-go I fear the tone of her voice when I call. She sounds tight and wound up. Unhappy about something - but what? She tells me about the stomach troulbes she's been having for the last 2 months and how she's got to go in for nasty tests this week - and blames her strange state on that... I'm probably reading way too much into this,in fact I know I am. She's agreed to look after the puppy if I make sure that the groomer can take care of her in the morning rather than the afternoon. I should relax. I know she'll come around eventually... wish I could just not have everything I do in my life that she doesn't approve of be a huge stress point between us. I guess that's mostly up to her, though, when it comes down to it.


And I wonder, at times, why I'm so fucked up?