Does anyone have $20k they don't need and could donate to a good cause? Me? K. Thanks. Or even loan at a low rate of interest? I kept living the high life after I left McKesson... you know, doing things like eating, keeping a roof over my head... that sort of thing. And now my credit cards are scaring me. I should have thought about this before I spent the money, but it will all work out somehow.

Marriage. Something I said I wanted, but wasn't really sure I wanted. Now I know. I am happy I got married to Matthew on Monday. The day was beautiful, though the weather was a bit cloudy, it didn't rain on us and the sun peeked out a few times during the photographs. I was so relaxed it was unbelievable. It probably helped that we had such a small, intimate wedding with just our parents in attendance... and I had gotten all my jitters and nerves out a few nights before the wedding in a stressed-out crying jag. ;-)

We had an incredible dinner at the All Season Cafe and then went to see Luther Wright and the Wrongs at the Fluid Lounge. Just a totally fantastic day.

I got the pictures back from developing today and there are so many happy ones. I wish I looked a bit younger and a bit slimmer, but all in all I think we look great. I'm going to get some of them put on CD and when I do that I may be able to find a place to post some. We'll see.

For now... I'm looking forward to the weekend in Vancouver, staying with my brother and his lovely partner, seeing the family and friends that we've invited to the reception, plus hopefully getting to a few stores (MEC, Lee Valley, Mad Potter) while we're down there. Not that we have any money to spend there.

So. There are times when I post on my other site when I censor myself because my Mom reads it. I do it to save her feelings, not to save her from some depraved side of myself. I HATE feeling like I /have/ to do that. Hate. So why do I do it anyway? She's told me that she stopped reading it because I mentioned seeing my birth mom on it. Because I used the words 'birth mom'. Seriously, Mom? ...get some help.

In other realizations of awareness.... school has taught me more than I realized. I used to only like 'art' that was subjective - art that had an obvious subject matter. Flowers, horses, mountains and the like... but now I've realized the beauty and amazing creativity of abstract art. That's not to say that I like all abstract art, because I don't. But I've figured out that there is beaty in composition, arrangement, line, shape, form and negative space FOR THEMSELVES. It doesn't have to "be" something for me, anymore. It kind of opens up a whole new realm of possibilities and ideas. =) I still prefer subjective art, but I can appreciate the abstract more, now.

Nerves about the wedding went away as soon as I realized that my impending period was causing them to act up. I had the worst cramps of the last 10 years today... but I was glad because it was today and not Monday (wedding day) that they were happening. Whew! Even tomorrow would have been too much, what with picking up Lorraine and trying to get this place ship shape for the parents to see it for the first time. I'm way behind schedule on that, due to the cramps and the ensuing four hour nap.

We have the rings, we have the photographer, we have the marriage commisioner, license, clothes to wear... it's all coming together. I feel bad for not including more of my friends and family in the ceremony itself, but really, I just didn't want to be a bother to anyone. I always feel as though I'm imposing when I ask someone to do something for me - even though it probably wouldn't be taken that way... I've also always felt pretty alone in my life. Even though I'm getting married to M. I still sometimes feel like I'm alone. I really should go get some more help with that. I'm certain it stems from my adoption experience and when I am conscious of adoption in the background, it helps the feelings have less power over me... but I'm not dealing with it by waiting.

Money being the problem that it currently is, I probably won't be able to get any help any time soon. No job, lots of debt and a Visa that is still being racked up despite the fact that I have absolutely no way to pay for it OR the debt. Krikey. I'm trying not to rack it up, but it just seems that the very time when I have NO money, is the time when I HAVE to buy something. Stress response? Shopping as retail-therapy? Oh yes. I've practiced it almost all my adult life. *sigh* I don't worry all that much about it, which seems silly, but money really does seem to work itself out without me stressing about it. So I won't. Much.

The garden is coming along, slowly... we got tons of perennials from a neighbour and tons more from our friends in Fruitvale that i have to weed and find homes for. It's great, but I have NO TIME! Next week I should at least be able to "heal them in" temporarily. I'll have to or some of them will probably die before I get home from the coast. Wedding reception on the 15th. I hope everyone can make it. I wish I could have had the pot luck variety that I wanted, but that's what you get when you ask your Mom to plan your wedding reception because you have no time... well... I WILL have a pot luck one when we get home in the next month or so... and the birth family will be able to come to that one.

What a balancing act. It never seems to end, either. I hate the balancing, but I love both families... though dealing with my Mom's issues is stressing me out a lot lately. It's harder than dealing with a birth mom I don't know very well. At least thinking about her doesn't make me cringe. It makes me smile. Hmm... more issues to take to therapy when I have money. Indeed. *sigh*

This guy, Mark Nykanen, bought one of my skull mugs at the sale we had a few weeks back. He's going to use it for an author photo one day. He writes scary books and gave me a signed copy of The Bone Parade when we had a long chat about adoption last week. I really enjoyed our chat over a smoothie. I read the book all the next day and finished it off. Quite enjoyable. Maybe I'm just getting older, but I wasn't super freaked out like I used to be. I'll have to try reading a few more psychological thrillers... though the fact that the main characters are sculptors (and I did some sculpting this past year) may have made it more intriguing than scary for me.


Enough for now. I should get to cleaning this house. Dreading the arrival, yet looking forward to it, too.

Meme....

Extroverted (E) 71.43% Introverted (I) 28.57% Imaginative (N) 58.33% Realistic (S) 41.67% Emotional (F) 64.52% Intellectual (T) 35.48% Easygoing (P) 57.58% Organized (J) 42.42% Your type is: ENFP You are an Inspirer, possible professions include - conference planner, speech pathologist, HR development trainer, ombudsman, clergy, journalist, newscaster, career counselor, housing director, character actor, marketing consultant, musician/composer, artist, information-graphics designer, human resource manager, merchandise planner, advertising account manager, dietitian/nutritionist, speech pathologist, massage therapist, editor/art director.

Take Free Career Inventory Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

So much is happening these days. School is crazy busy, wedding coming up in four weeks (my Mom won't let me forget) things to do all week and all weekend.... argh! I wish I was going horseback riding this Saturday... sadness that I'm not, but at least I'll get in to the studio to mix up some glazes. I've done NO tests on them, yet... but if I mix on Saturday, I should be able to get tests done AND the final pieces done, too. Chicken coops to build, gardens to dig, job to find. Residency to sign up for *ack*!! Birthday cards to send EXPRESS to Mom. Jeez. Nuts.

I'm tired but the pain of losing Nami is fading, I still miss him - and wish I could have had him alive with us for so much longer. We'll get another cat one day.

Now I have to go and (hopefully) build some slab pieces for tomorrow. It's going to be another late night in the computer/clay room rocking out to MP3s and building slab pieces. *dry slabs dry* The've got to be a lot firmer than they are, now before I can do anything on them. :-/ so meanwhile... the dishes.

My dearest, sweet, loveable, cuddly, darling Nami is gone. He was attacked tonight, and killed. We don't know by what, but we suspect the neighbour dogs. The same ones who attacked Rainy twice before. They may just have chased away whatever actually killed him, but we don't know. I haven't talked to the neighbour, yet, I haven't checked the neighbour's dogs over for scratches. I got home from the clay studio at about 11:30pm and Matthew told me what happened. I'm furious, heartbroken and stunned. My beautiful home in the country seems marred somehow... and definitely empty.... definitely missing something. I feel like I failed him.

All I can say for sure at this moment is that I loved him. I still love him. My dear sweet Nami. Nothing can chase him, now. Nothing can hurt him where he is. Tomorrow, I will say goodbye and bury him in the forest, place a cairn over him so nothing can desecrate the place his body is resting. Then, he will be able to come with me to school, and I'll not have to leave him behind. Champ will welcome him and be his friend, that I am certain. They were two of a kind.

I think what hurts the most is that I hadn't even completely bonded with Nami, yet. He loved me, as he loved everyone and cuddled with everyone... but I did not yet know every little quirk and habit of his. I couldn't yet decipher what he was feeling every moment just from the way he moved or looked at me.... though I was learning. I have so many memories from the short time he was with us, but they all just break my heart right now. I'm very, deeply sorry that the time was so very short.

People sometimes wonder why I love my pets so much, when the loss of those pets hurts me so deeply. I can only tell them that the loss is nothing compared to the love. The pain receeds with time and the love still remains. We will have another cat come to live with us, one day. This one will stay indoors... and he will be loved, as deeply as any, in his own special way.

I should try to get some sleep... I had just caught up on it all yesterday... (11 hours) and I have so much to do at school in the coming weeks... I will try. Soon.

Yegads. Hanging out with my Mom for two days is enough. I love her, but really - she drives me mad. That and she seems to be seriously manic depressive. I'm worried about her, but I've tried to help her as much as I can... but really it is up to her to find help for herself. She tells me, in tears, about feeling overwhelmed, feeling like leaving Dad, feeling attacked all the time by everyone, feeling unworthy, feeling unloved, feeling rejected, feeling alone, feeling suicidal. I don't know what to do for her other than tell her I love her and urge her to seek help from outside the family. Seek help from someone impartial who will be on her side. Seek help from someone who can give her tools to deal with the feelings and help her to disover where they stem from.... just get help.

Having everything I do - right or "wrong" - be all about me doing it "to her" is really starting to wear irritatingly thin. I have to tune her out sometimes to deal calmly with her, but I know she really just needs help. I don't have the time, skills or energy to be that help, however.

I'm so glad I get to go to the clay symposium tomorrow, stay with another student and her sister tomorrow night, and then home on Sunday.

A good birthday... We have hot water again... since Friday morning. Ahhhhhh showers are good. Tonight we had my birth mom, birth grandma, birth aunt and sister over for dinner. They brought the cake and spinach dip and I made chicken in white wine sauce, mushroom sausage stuffing and green beans with garlic/olive oil. Yum. Dessert was an orange chiffon cake. Delicious! All in all a delightful evening in our new home. The 'official' housewarming will be next week. =) I'm tired, now.... going to head to bed so I can go in to the studio tomorrow and make things. =)

Casserole set? Serving dishes? Pitcher and tumblers? 7 serving bowls.... Set of plates.... hmmm.... the possibilities are ENDLESS!

Still no plumber. Still no hot water. That is until tomorrow. Then he comes and hopefully soon after that we'll have hot water again! Hooray for fellow students who life close by school and offer up their showers for my personal use. OMG. Good.

It's kind of ironic that I said "plumber" in that last post... because I meant "electirican". But it turns out that it wasn't the 'razor only' outlet (shaving thing, not mouse) that blew up as we had first suspected, but the hot water tank that is in the wall behind the 'razor only' outlet. Weird, eh? I kept having trouble and saying "plumber" instead of "electrician" in all my conversations about it and then yesterday we discover that it was INDEED a plumber we needed and not an electrician. Heh.

Other than that, life is good. =)

Electrical sparky incident this morning at 6am. Not good. Calling plumber.

Interesting.... I shall have to explore this further. Thanks Dev0n for the interesting quiz:

1. Mahayana Buddhism (100%)
2. Neo-Pagan (93%)
3. Unitarian Universalism (92%)
4. New Age (90%)
5. New Thought (90%)
6. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (89%)
7. Theravada Buddhism (89%)
8. Liberal Quakers (83%)
9. Scientology (81%)
10. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (80%)
11. Taoism (80%)
12. Hinduism (71%)
13. Jainism (66%)
14. Bahá'í Faith (64%)
15. Sikhism (63%)
16. Reform Judaism (57%)
17. Secular Humanism (49%)
18. Orthodox Quaker (47%)
19. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (44%)
20. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (38%)
21. Orthodox Judaism (35%)
22. Nontheist (29%)
23. Jehovah's Witness (27%)
24. Islam (24%)
25. Seventh Day Adventist (17%)
26. Eastern Orthodox (15%)
27. Roman Catholic (15%)

So they've come around. We've set a date and given them things to do towards it (wedding wise) and now that we've put an offer on the house, they're going to transfer the money to my account on Monday. Whew! Cuz boy howdy, it's going to come in handy. We have so much to do towards this house thing. Inspections, mortgages, lawyers, oh my. But it will be great to get into our own little place on 2 acres.

It's a 1977 de-registerd mobile home. On 2 acres. So we'll be trailer trash with acreage. It always makes me think of redneck rampage.... *BOOM* "Git off muh laa-und!!" Heh.

I'm so tired. It's time to sleep.

I just wrote a detailed post about motheres, mortgages and wedding plans and somehow I lost it. Argh. Here's the short version:

I spoke to my Mom about us going to see about getting a pre-approved Mortgage and buying a place together. She got upset, threatened to withold inheritance money from my Grandma if we weren't married first. I got upset and told her what I thought of that. (grrrr) But the conversation did make me realize what I want in a wedding and why I hadn't been planning one up until now - I had been trying to please everyone else and the thought of having to do that had overwhelmed me. M. and I sat down and talked about what WE want. Ideas began with eloping and faxing them a copy of the marriage certificate (heheh that'll show 'em!)... but not wanting to alienate both of our families, we decided that what we really want is a small ceremony with a marriage commissioner here in Nelson with just our parents in attendance followed by a pot luck party in Vancouver later in the week (planned by our parents so they can have who/what they want there - with our input of course...). We want to buy ourselves some nice clothes for the wedding, have rings made by KSA jewellery students and just keep things simple. It's never quite that simple, though. I know things will come up. But we'll deal with them when they do. We don't want presents, just friends to write us a letter and wish us well, or come and bring something they're proud of to the pot luck, or visit us some other time in the year. Our home is open to visitors year round - and I love to show people around Nelson!

We don't mean to exclude anyone with these plans, we just think that it's all about making this our beginning here in Nelson and sharing our bonding afterwards with family and friends. I don't want a big fuss and I don't really feel close enough to any one person (other than Matthew) to choose a maid/matron of honour, so this is how we've planned things.

I had more eloquent things to say in the first post... but I think this gives the jist of it. I'm happy about this - and glad that we finally realized what WE want to do. *glee*

Minus 9 degrees today. Um. Brr? Even the foggy windows have frozen on the inside. Maybe its time to put up that winter window kit? Yeah, I think so. Its also time to put the rest of the turkey and the stock I made from it, into the freezer. Maybe after lunch. I'll take some down to Matthew today. Maybe we'll be able to eat the rest of it - or I could put it into a turkey pot pie... With stuffing included. I think that's what I'll do.

Had tons of fun yesterday at my sister Carla's house. Kids, snowmobiles, GT Racers and crazy carpets. Cooking weiners over a campfire and warming up with hot chocolate all played a role in that sunny, snowy day. I have pictures, but posting them is a pain. ;-) Beautiful, though. Just beautiful.

Things are lovely. We spent time in Riondel with Bob, my birth dad and his family, and my sister Candy and her family - a pretty crazy time, but fun to be sure. I'm having a relaxing holiday, trying not to take on too much, though it's hard not to when I've been going full tilt at school for three months. I'm looking forward to January and starting the new semester. Bob bought a steer to butcher and split up for all the kids in his family ( he has four including me ). We now have a huge amount of frozen, organic, free-range, grain-finished beef in our freezer. Yum. I think I might get sick of beef this year, since I don't normally buy all that much of it... but maybe not. He wants to teach me to scuba dive this summer, and I want to learn. I think I'd also like to learn to shoot, maybe even hunt. I'd feel better about eating as much meat as I do if it were free range and I had to kill it myself. Might make me into a vegetarian, yet, though I doubt it. I'm surprisingly hard-hearted for an animal lover. :-/

Having trouble with my web browser, lately. It won't let me open internet sites that I frequent all the bloody time. mytelus.com, my very own blog, it's weird. Plus something is changing my home page all the time - though I hate to admit it, being that I should be geeky enough to A: avoid that sort of thing happening to me or B: be able to fix it if it does. Anti virus has done nothing. Somebody must have clicked "ok" to something that shouldn't have been clicked "ok" to. Hopefully it wasn't me. ;-) Maybe I'll just switch to netscape.. ;-) or Mozilla...

Anyway... off to watch a movie and then get some much needed sleep after last night's goings on. We slept in the Riondel fire hall last night. It was kinda cool. That's what comes from being related to the Fire Chief of Riondel. ;-)

I did like Ariosa did:

you are violet #EE82EE

Your dominant hues are red and blue. You're confident and like showing people new ideas. You play well with others and can be very influential if you want to be. Your saturation level is lower than average - You don't stress out over things and don't understand people who do. Finishing projects may sometimes be a challenge, but you schedule time as you see fit and the important things all happen in the end, even if not everyone sees your grand master plan. Your outlook on life is bright. You see good things in situations where others may not be able to, and it frustrates you to see them get down on everything.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

Show me that you love me in a way that I can comprehend. A way that touches my very being.

/me copies dev0n.

[[body ills and skills]]
nervous habits?: clenching my teeth
are you double jointed?: only in some fingers
can you roll your tongue?: yes
can you raise one eyebrow at a time?: just my left
can you blow spit bubbles?: yes
can you cross your eyes?: yes
tattoos?: one. large. on my back.
piercings and where?: two in ear, one in belly, more to come...
do you make your bed daily?: usually. keeps the dog's dirt out of my sheets and on top of the covers.


[[clothes]]
which shoe goes on first?: left
speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone?: don't think so
on the average, how much money do you carry in your purse/wallet?: not much. one word. interac.
what jewelry do you wear 24/7?: the rings in my piercings and a necklace of matthew's
favorite piece of clothing?: red short sleeved shirt with stitched abstract bugs on it.
pajamas: shorts and a t-shirt, or flannel if i'm sick/freezing.

[[food]]
do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?: twirl
have you ever eaten spam?: yep. nasty.
favorite ice cream flavor?: green tea
how many cereals in your cabinet?: three or four
what's your favorite beverage?: water
what's your favorite restaurant?: kamura sushi in nelson.
do you cook?: almost every day.

[[grooming]]
how often do you brush your teeth?: once or twice a day
how often do you shower/bathe?: every one to two days.
how long does your shower last?: 10 to 15 minutes.
hair drying method: towel dry, and then air dry
have you ever colored/highlighted your hair?: yep. might highilght it after it grows out a bit more.
do you paint your nails?nope

[[manners]]
do you swear?: fuck yeah.
do you ever spit?: only when absolutely necessary, and then, only in the bathroom. i agree with dev0n on this one. spitting IS nasty. and gross. and vile. and disgusting. ick.

[[what's your favorite]]
animal?: horses, rainy our dog and wave our cat.
food?: salmon
month?: august, december, march
day?: saturday
anime/manga?: eh?
shoe brand?: merrell
subject in school?: clay!
color?: blue/purple/green
sport?: anything equestrian, World Rally Championship.
tv show?: don't watch TV. =-)
best looking male celebs?: Hugh Jackman. Yummy.
thing to do in spring?: wilderness camping.
thing to do In the summer?: lay on the beach with a book.
thing to do In autumn?: back to school, kick crispy fallen leaves. breathe the smell of earth going to sleep.
thing to do In the winter?: build snow castles/sculptures.

[[in and around]]
the cd player?: supreme beings of leisure
person you talk most on the phone with?: matthew
ever taken a cab?: yes
do you regularly check yourself out in store windows and mirrors?: yep. have to make sure i got all the clay off after leaving the studio.
what color is your bedroom?: white, but it's gonna end up blue.
do you use an alarm clock?: yes
window seat or aisle?: aisle

[[la-la land]]
what's your sleeping position?: on my stomach, hugging one pillow, head on another, left leg bent.
even in hot weather do you use a blanket?: yep
do you snore?: when i'm sick or in allergy season
do you sleepwalk?: nope
do you talk in your sleep?: nope
do you sleep with a stuffed animals?: i sleep with real animals.
how about with the light on?: off. dark. dark. dark.
do you fall asleep with the tv or radio on?: nope

[[which is better]]
coke or pepsi?: pepsi when i'm weak. i shouldn't drink pop.
oranges or apples?: apples
one pillow or two?: two
deaf or blind?: blind
pools or hot tubs?: hot springs
blondes or brunettes?: brunettes
tall or short?: average
tv or radio?: radio
beach or pool?: beach
tic-tacs or certs?: tic-tacs
snooze button or jump out of bed?: jump out of bed
sunrise or sunset?: sunrise in winter, sunset in summer
hamburger or cheeseburger?: mushrrom cheese burger
morning or night?: morning
sports or news?: news
indoors or outdoors?: outdoors
christmas eve or christmas day?: christmas eve
cake or ice cream?: ice cream
spearmint or peppermint?: peppermint
bath or shower?: bath
book or movie?: book
green or red apples?: red/yellow (gala)
rain or snow?: snow
nike or adidas?: merrell

[[when was the last time you]]
took a shower?: today
cried?: almost today... in drawing class.
talked on the phone?: yesterday
read a book?: last night
punched someone?: a few weeks ago in metal class.

[[the future]]
where do you see yourself in ten years?: married, with children, living in the country
who are you going to be married to?: matthew
how many kids?: 2
your profession?: mom/potter
future school?: continue on at Kootenay School of the Arts
car of your dreams?: subaru impreza

Frustrating. Coming home. Helping do dishes. Only to be told " I need space ". At least he tells me what he needs. But the information is so conflicting, at times. Yeargh.

Best go back to school and get some work done. After dinner. After he finishes the dishes. Which will take longer, because I'm not helping anymore. Meh.