So.... falling off the wagon, so to speak. Heart breaking itself over it's own stupidity. Let go. Say "NO MORE!! I'm done!!" I will not fall into that trap AGAIN. I will not. I should just read my last post and FEEL the strength that I had there, take a stand for your own happiness. YOU CAN DO IT!

My self pep-talk online version 222.7. I sure do need a LOT of these things. I'll just have to keep giving them to myself until I listen and take heed..

What strength lies in the heart? In her fear there is strength. When I get to that place where nothing seems to make sense, and the world is against me and why bother... you know... that place? That's the place that I begin to have hope again.... because I've learned over the years that when I go there and let myself really go there, that I come out on the other side a wiser, calmer, stronger person.

What do I mean? Well... in this case I know that I need to be stronger for myself. I need to stop using what other people think of me to make me feel better or worse about myself... sure it can help at times, but to rely on it as I have done most of my life... not so much the good. I need to stand and be strong, resist the urges that I have to stray from my relationship, no matter how unhappy I am in it. I have to be strong for ME. Not for my marriage, so much as for myself. Because my pattern in the past has almost always been to ditch the current boy by finding a new and improved different boy. A "knight in shining armour". Well... there is no "knight in shining armour". There is only me. And that's glorious. All I've ever done by repeating this pattern is lose out on a whole whack of personal growth and development time.

Hell... it's not "THE" answer, but it's something. It's an answer of sorts... and now there are more questions to ask... like - do I want to be married? Do I want to be single? These are things to figure out in the next four months away from home and then come home and deal with the decisions. Or not. Maybe I should just leave well enough alone? Wait, Heather... wait and see.

How do I say what I need to say? How do I KNOW what I need to say? How do I know what is wrong with me? How do I fix it? Help. Oh. Help.

Feeling under the weather just slightly... a slight chest cough - I hope it doesn't escalate. Feeling confused as ever, holding on to two ideas instead of letting go of one and focusing on the other... it's really diffucult to live this way. There is no hope in one direction and less in the other. Especially if the truth of how I've been feeling comes out... will it? Should it? Am I evil? I feel evil, but not in the good way.

If we are not for ourselves, who will be for us?
If we are only for ourselves, what are we?
If not now, when?

-Rabbi Hillel. 2000BCE

Hold me closely, tuck your head in to my shoulder, put your face in my hair and breathe in the scent of me. There is so much more I want to know about you, so much more that I want to share with you, and yet, it seems, it cannot be. A fond memory, your touch. A precious dream, your head upon my chest. So close. Asleep. Spoon. There is much that you can learn from me, and I from you, but there is much more that we need to learn on our own. How to be strong? How to be confident in our choices? Which is the choice that I need to be confident in? The one I made years ago, or the one I see before me, now?

Who are you? Who am I to ask these questions? Where do we go from here?

It sure is funny how day to day things can change. Had another emotional roller coaster of a day today... and I'm not sure it will change once I go home. I plan to talk more to the hubby today about what I've been feeling and doing since we met, basically... and through no fault of his own, we may not make it. Was I ever committed to this marriage? Ever really committed? I'm not sure. Can I become committed to it? Doesn't seem like it, but I just don't know. I do know that I have to 'fess up and get talking or it'll just fester inside of me. Emotions. They're kind of like pus. The more you hold them inside, the more they multiply and infect everything that is you.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder and the head grow clearer. Sometimes. Meditation helps in that regard, too. I still wonder what it is I am meant to be doing with my life and whom I should be doing it with... but for the moment the sense of despair is gone. I wonder what today will hold... and my brain does fantasize endlessly about the possibilities.

I know that today holds designing and building a couple of projects that will be due when we return from Portland in March, and finding some more no-craze liner glazes to dip and try... it also holds cleaning the gunk out of the spray booth, and going to yoga class. Busy already - I'd better get started!

Nike has the best slogan, even if I don't like the company. Just do it. Ok! Bye!

What is it I am searching for that I have not yet found within myself? Why do I crave something that I should not crave, that I could not fully have even if I was supposed to want it? What is wrong with me that I dwell on this percieved lack of love in my life? I search for it everywhere except where I can find it? I discard it where it lives? Do I? I'm confused. Hurting. Horrible.

How can I stop thinking so much?

Make no sudden assumptions based upon my blog yesterday... things continuously change and ebb and flow. My brain continues to think too much. Analyze this. Analyze that. I think it will take a while, if ever, for Matthew's efforts to make a lasting impact on me. It will take a while for me to trust feeling loved. I have hope, and I have despair. I have love and lust and every other emotion under the moon moving through me, taking over, waxing and waning. Perhaps my mother knows me best after all? I search for love in all the wrong places, my desperation must certainly be a turn off as I become grotesque with longing. Until I can consistently satisfy my own desire to be loved and love myself completely... how can I expect anyone else to love me? How can I even know HOW to love another person? It must start with me. How do I break this cycle?

The questions and the thinking continue... argh.

The thinking continues... thinking too much about everything. I live in my brain, these days, except for those rare moments on the wheel or when I'm meditating when I can celebrate my own awareness. Talking about what's in my head helps me to get it out. Talking about it with the people that it involves helps the most. I wonder where I'll be in a year's time... I have plans, certainly... don't we all? I envision having spent the winter in a my new studio working on pottery after a summer of hard work in a tree planting camp as assistant cook, and a fall spent playing with horses and studying natural horsemanship, possibly buying a truck of my own... who knows, really? Will Matthew and I still be together? I'm ready for it to end. Harsh, I guess, but really I've been walking on eggshells for so long that I just can't bring myself to give anymore. When things are good, as they so rarely can be, I don't trust it enough to enjoy it at all. He's making an effort, but for me it seems too little, too late - I hope his efforts will pay off for him, though, so he can enjoy a longer-lasting relationship, and the intimacy that should come with it.

I have debts to pay and logistics to figure out. What do I want in my life? What will give me the most satisfaction and keep me present and aware? Meditation can help with that, but I think that living a life you don't really want hinders awareness more than anything else. We live in a society of fear and escape. We are slaves to the reality that we've created for ourselves, that we've let others create for us. I want to discover true reality and live a life of joy and purpose. It's hard to override both my biological and my conditioned responses to things so that I can be aware and not entraped by behavioural conditioning. Especially the biologically conditioned ones! Yikes. Solace in the arms of another man... that was putting it delicately, thanks Mom. It's true, that is my normal course of action. It's what I know how to do. How do I step outside of that realm of created reality and be strong enough for myself in the true reality? What is the true reality?

Now my brain is going into logistics mode, so I won't bore you with those details. I doubt anyone actually reads this anymore, anyway... it's been so long.

MEME:

Four jobs you have had in your life:

1. Shoe Salesperson
2. Remote Systems Administrator
3. Pizza Chef
4. Electrical Wiring Harness Builder

Four movies you would watch over and over again:

1. Office Space
2. Moulin Rouge
3. The Black Stallion
4. Any Cohen Brothers film

Four places you have lived:

1. Delta, BC
2. North Vancouver, BC
3. Nelson, BC
4. Maple Ridge, BC

Four T.V. shows you love to watch:

1. Nature
2. The Rick Mercer Report
3. This Hour has 22 minutes
4. CSI

Four places you have been on vacation:

1. Jamaica
2. Victoria, BC
3. The Kootenays
4. California

Four web-sites I visit daily:

1. Parelli Natural Horsemanship
2. Delicious Juice
3. yahoo mail
4.

Four of my favorite foods:

1. Japanese
2. Thai
3. Indian
4. Home Cookin' (by me or my mom)

Four places I'd rather be right now:

1. Florida at the Parelli Centre
2. Home playing with my horses
3. Here at school. =)
4. Camping

Four bloggers I am tagging:
Everyone's done it already... any strangers out there wanna go?

Sleepy. At school. Listening to somafm.com "groove salad". Threw 8 plates today. Ready to trim 3 large ones that I threw yesterday... but they might wait until tomorrow. I plan to go to yoga (first time) tonight and then on to the Commanding Officer's Parade of the 561 Air Cadets Squadron afterwards... I've been on two exercises with them - one just this past weekend - and I haven't seen them parade except for on Rememberance Day - which really wasn't a parade. It's going to be a long day - but no class until tomrrow afternoon and I have Saturday to trim and make things for Monday. I think *think* I'm finally back into the working groove at school. Sure took me a while this time around. Mehp.

Hum.

It's trying hard to snow outside, but it's really just more like 'chunky' rain. At home it's probably snowing and sticking...

Haircut blog? Yuh-hup.

We're almost at another Christmas - been a while. I've been busy, too busy to post, really. What with working full time, riding and playing with horses in my time off during the summer, and now the last four months back at school... there's been a lot going on.

I'm exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I have been sick for about 3 weeks - I got over one cold just to be thrown headlong into something else. Wicked cough. Dead tired. And family is coming for Christmas. I'm happy about that, though I never EVER feel as though I've had enough time to organize anything, this year more than ever. We're having Matthew's family up for Christmas. They arrive this evening. I'm half done baking (if that), half done cleaning (maybe a little better than half) and too tired to care at this point. We still have to grocery shop. Erp. They will be here for four hectic days and then I can sleep, play with horses and draw. That's about IT, I think.

I'd better get back to it... don't know why I decided to post.. just thought it was long overdue.

Short version of what's been going on since my last post:
Horses = Parelli = playing with Bailey at Level 1, starting Level 2. Built pen on property with shelter (Matthew did it)
Pottery = found my voice, making horse decorated pots.
Marriage = more work than ever, but it's worth it.
House = still in the same place, now improved with wood shed and horse pen/shelter.
Summer job next year? Maybe assistant cook at tree planting camp. Boy will I miss hearth, home, husband and horses. :-/

The Master Cleanse is long over - I lasted 6 days.

For now... I stole this from Ali who stole it from Christy:

WHAT DO YOU CALL:

1. A body of water, smaller than a river, contained within relatively narrow banks? stream
2. What the thing you push around the grocery store is called? shopping cart
3. A metal container to carry a meal in? lunch box
4. The thing that you cook bacon and eggs in? frying pan
5. The piece of furniture that seats three people? chesterfield
6. The device on the outside of the house that carries rain off the roof? gutter
7. The covered area outside a house where people sit in the evening? porch
8. Carbonated, sweetened, non-alcoholic beverages? pop
9. A flat, round breakfast food served with syrup? pancake
10. A long sandwich designed to be a whole meal in itself? sub
11. The piece of clothing worn by men at the beach? trunks
12. Shoes worn for sports? running shoes
13. Putting a room in order? tidying up
14. A flying insect that glows in the dark? firefly
15. The little insect that curls up into a ball? pill bug
16. The children's playground equipment where one kid sits on one side and goes up while the other sits on the other side and goes down? teeter-totter
17. How do you eat your pizza? From tip to crust, leaving the crust to either be enjoyed or discarded (depends on the pizza place)
18. What's it called when private citizens put up signs and sell their used stuff? garage or yard sale
19. What's the evening meal? supper or dinner
20. The thing under a house where the furnace and perhaps a rec room are? basement
21. What do you call the thing that you can get water out of to drink in public places? water fountain


Yeah.. so that's it. Things are going great, excpet I've somehow lost the way to publish my other blog.. so for now this will have to do. =) I'm done school for the year, started working at Pacific Insight today. They build wiring harness and modules for automotive and marine applications. I'm going to be working in "wireland" - making wiring harnesses. Made three different types today - and will be learning a lot more stuff soon. It's fun, if repetetive and the people seem nice for the most part. I don't mind not having much of a social life or whatever while there... since I have things to read and ponder during the short breaks that we have, anyway.

I have to make some sandwiches for tomorrow. PB and Banana for me! Whee! Dunno what Matthew wants. We'll see. Other than that, I'm doing Parelli natural horsemanship with my horse and it ROCKS! I'm learning so much... and have SO MUCH more to learn yet! Wheeeee! Time to make some money so's I can afford her and the lessons that I'd like to take! And the physio for the broken finger I got in March while leading her. Argh. Kind of ruind my year end, but then it did give me lots of time to think about my pots and what direction I'd like them to go in next year. Very important stuff. Thinking. =)

But for now it's off to bed, I worked 8 hours and then worked about 4 more helping to put up a fence. So now it's time to snoozle.

Nighty night.

I began something called the "Master Cleanse" today and I feel like shite. Most of the day was fine, but now I'm tired, headachey, hungry, weak, dizzy. Yay. The good news is, it's supposed to get better after a while and all this suffering is due to the toxins that have yet to be purged from my body. That and only drinking lemonade sweetened with maple syrup and spiked with cayenne pepper. Ugh. This laxative tea tastes NASTY. Hope it works better than the brand I tried yesterday. TMFI? TFB. (too fucking bad) It's my journal and I'll post about nasty clenases if I wanna. For now, I'm going to suck down this tea and go to bed. I hope it stays down. Ugh. This had better get better and make me better, too. The upside is, I haven't had any stuffed up nose today - maybe I have food allergies (like to milk the mucous maker?) that I wasn't completely aware of. Hm.

Long time no post.

In the last few months, I've been in school... we're nearing the semester break, now - and looking forward to it. Somehow I don't have any work to sell at the Christmas show. I don't even have any work to give to people for Christmas. It's not that I've been slacking, exactly.... it's just that I don't like any of it, yet. Tomorrow will be a big glaze night. I have to work out one glaze combo and try some new things, too. It's frustrating. I find that I have to spend too much time at the studio to get my work done... and I don't get enough time for other things in my life like M. and my family. When I take time out to be with them, then I lost out at the studio. Meh.

Making art makes me think about the world. Who am I? Where do I fit in this world? DO I fit in this world? What do I want to say about this world? So many questions. One of the things that it has made me think, more and more, that the entire 'partisan' system that we live under... politically and otherwise... really isn't working all that well. I don't know what the answer is, but getting rid of 'special interest groups' seems like a good idea to me.

Doesn't everyone realize that we're ALL connected? We're all in this together? We are the world? I'm sure that fighting for women's rights (for example) is a "Good Thing" or whatever... but every time I hear a woman on the radio complaining and whining about what men do and how horribly men have treated women and blah blah blah i just get irate. With that kind of attitude, of course you're going to be victimized, because you are SURE that men are going to vicitmize you. Why can't women and men work together? (and while we're on the subject, why can't my left-hand shift key work properly/?/// - grah!!) Why can't we just ALL work together to make the world better for everyone? Not just for women or the homeless or blacks or jews or immigrants etc ad. infinitum... but for all of us.

Help each other, people. That's why we're here.

How do you feel when you have a couple of web journals and your Mom reads one but not the other because you haven't let her know that the other one exists? Because if she read the other, she'd disown you? Hell, she gets mad enough at you for stuff you say in the one she DOES read... Arargh. Hi, I'm 32 and I'm not supposed to feel this way anymore. Nice to meet you.

I wonder if the feeling ever goes away while your parents are still alive. I wonder if I'm supposed to put a question mark after that sentence. Or that one. (ad infinitum) I'm thinking that I'm not supposed to because the noun in the sentence is performing the verb"wonder". It's a statement of wonder.

OOoo! I like that phrase, alot. "A statement of wonder".

Welcome to my extreme tangent blog.

Still... it's a dilemma. How can I feel fully expressed when I'm not? I'm repressed... but then again, who isn't? Marilyn Manson, probably... What would my parents think if I were making a living the way he is? Expressing myself fully? Is that who celebrities are to us? Are they people who express themselves fully? What would my parents think about me writing even this small drop of my internal struggle and posting it for "anyone to see"?

Is this how it is to be in the world? I'm not saying that we shouldn't have a private life and a public life... there are some things that I would probably not express to anyone. But what about those things deemed "inappropriate" by my parents? What about the things that I want to share but don't because of how I imagine they would judge me? Why can't I let my parents know the me that everyone else knows?

And why do my mom's conversations about nothing bother me SO. VERY. MUCH???!?! Is it because I feel that they are not important enough to listen to because I'm not important enough to them to be "who I am" with them and not have them leave me? Or am I just maladjusted and unable to accept the "fact" that we do have to live our lives as different people. Everyone we interact with has a different experience of who we are because thier perception of us is unique to them... nobody has the same experience and memories of us that anyone else has.

BUT

Does this mean that I should be consiously and unconsciously trying to live up to the expectation of who I am that I perceive every other person has of me? Should I play into those molds? This is what we humans seem to do with each other. Find a place where we 'fit' and stay right there. I think we need it as people, but I don't know if the instinct doesn't just rear up it's head and some of the most inappropriate times, causing us undue feelings of distress and worry about the state and workings of our relationships and the discovery of Who We Are.

Intense intimate explorations of my soul or wild flailings of a drugged mind?

So the money problems are nearing an end... thank goodness for an understanding personal banker and debt consolidation loans. Whew! I'll get this fixed up real good for a low monthly rate. I figure I'll save a few thousand dollars in interest while I'm saving a few hundred dollars a month! I'm going to make that personal banker lady something nice in clay. A vase. I will be all about the amazing vases this year. My hairdresser, vet and boss(es) deserve one, too.

At any rate, life goes on, the stresses of money problems wreaked havoc on M. and I's relationship. Money is "Teh Evil" and I don't like it, except for what it can BUY ME. Not to mention horses cost a lot to keep... and I want one (at least) of those, too. It also helped to day as I chopped off the remains of my mullet and have almost got something in the way of stylish hair adorning the top of my head.

Little Bear is getting carsick these days. We're going to try taking him on short jaunts up the driveway and back, and also taking him in the car, but not putting him in his crate. Maybe if he can see/have the wind in his face, he might be okay. We'll see.

I'm tired. Bed. Sleep. More someday.

Does anyone have $20k they don't need and could donate to a good cause? Me? K. Thanks. Or even loan at a low rate of interest? I kept living the high life after I left McKesson... you know, doing things like eating, keeping a roof over my head... that sort of thing. And now my credit cards are scaring me. I should have thought about this before I spent the money, but it will all work out somehow.

Marriage. Something I said I wanted, but wasn't really sure I wanted. Now I know. I am happy I got married to Matthew on Monday. The day was beautiful, though the weather was a bit cloudy, it didn't rain on us and the sun peeked out a few times during the photographs. I was so relaxed it was unbelievable. It probably helped that we had such a small, intimate wedding with just our parents in attendance... and I had gotten all my jitters and nerves out a few nights before the wedding in a stressed-out crying jag. ;-)

We had an incredible dinner at the All Season Cafe and then went to see Luther Wright and the Wrongs at the Fluid Lounge. Just a totally fantastic day.

I got the pictures back from developing today and there are so many happy ones. I wish I looked a bit younger and a bit slimmer, but all in all I think we look great. I'm going to get some of them put on CD and when I do that I may be able to find a place to post some. We'll see.

For now... I'm looking forward to the weekend in Vancouver, staying with my brother and his lovely partner, seeing the family and friends that we've invited to the reception, plus hopefully getting to a few stores (MEC, Lee Valley, Mad Potter) while we're down there. Not that we have any money to spend there.

So. There are times when I post on my other site when I censor myself because my Mom reads it. I do it to save her feelings, not to save her from some depraved side of myself. I HATE feeling like I /have/ to do that. Hate. So why do I do it anyway? She's told me that she stopped reading it because I mentioned seeing my birth mom on it. Because I used the words 'birth mom'. Seriously, Mom? ...get some help.

In other realizations of awareness.... school has taught me more than I realized. I used to only like 'art' that was subjective - art that had an obvious subject matter. Flowers, horses, mountains and the like... but now I've realized the beauty and amazing creativity of abstract art. That's not to say that I like all abstract art, because I don't. But I've figured out that there is beaty in composition, arrangement, line, shape, form and negative space FOR THEMSELVES. It doesn't have to "be" something for me, anymore. It kind of opens up a whole new realm of possibilities and ideas. =) I still prefer subjective art, but I can appreciate the abstract more, now.

Nerves about the wedding went away as soon as I realized that my impending period was causing them to act up. I had the worst cramps of the last 10 years today... but I was glad because it was today and not Monday (wedding day) that they were happening. Whew! Even tomorrow would have been too much, what with picking up Lorraine and trying to get this place ship shape for the parents to see it for the first time. I'm way behind schedule on that, due to the cramps and the ensuing four hour nap.

We have the rings, we have the photographer, we have the marriage commisioner, license, clothes to wear... it's all coming together. I feel bad for not including more of my friends and family in the ceremony itself, but really, I just didn't want to be a bother to anyone. I always feel as though I'm imposing when I ask someone to do something for me - even though it probably wouldn't be taken that way... I've also always felt pretty alone in my life. Even though I'm getting married to M. I still sometimes feel like I'm alone. I really should go get some more help with that. I'm certain it stems from my adoption experience and when I am conscious of adoption in the background, it helps the feelings have less power over me... but I'm not dealing with it by waiting.

Money being the problem that it currently is, I probably won't be able to get any help any time soon. No job, lots of debt and a Visa that is still being racked up despite the fact that I have absolutely no way to pay for it OR the debt. Krikey. I'm trying not to rack it up, but it just seems that the very time when I have NO money, is the time when I HAVE to buy something. Stress response? Shopping as retail-therapy? Oh yes. I've practiced it almost all my adult life. *sigh* I don't worry all that much about it, which seems silly, but money really does seem to work itself out without me stressing about it. So I won't. Much.

The garden is coming along, slowly... we got tons of perennials from a neighbour and tons more from our friends in Fruitvale that i have to weed and find homes for. It's great, but I have NO TIME! Next week I should at least be able to "heal them in" temporarily. I'll have to or some of them will probably die before I get home from the coast. Wedding reception on the 15th. I hope everyone can make it. I wish I could have had the pot luck variety that I wanted, but that's what you get when you ask your Mom to plan your wedding reception because you have no time... well... I WILL have a pot luck one when we get home in the next month or so... and the birth family will be able to come to that one.

What a balancing act. It never seems to end, either. I hate the balancing, but I love both families... though dealing with my Mom's issues is stressing me out a lot lately. It's harder than dealing with a birth mom I don't know very well. At least thinking about her doesn't make me cringe. It makes me smile. Hmm... more issues to take to therapy when I have money. Indeed. *sigh*

This guy, Mark Nykanen, bought one of my skull mugs at the sale we had a few weeks back. He's going to use it for an author photo one day. He writes scary books and gave me a signed copy of The Bone Parade when we had a long chat about adoption last week. I really enjoyed our chat over a smoothie. I read the book all the next day and finished it off. Quite enjoyable. Maybe I'm just getting older, but I wasn't super freaked out like I used to be. I'll have to try reading a few more psychological thrillers... though the fact that the main characters are sculptors (and I did some sculpting this past year) may have made it more intriguing than scary for me.


Enough for now. I should get to cleaning this house. Dreading the arrival, yet looking forward to it, too.

Meme....

Extroverted (E) 71.43% Introverted (I) 28.57% Imaginative (N) 58.33% Realistic (S) 41.67% Emotional (F) 64.52% Intellectual (T) 35.48% Easygoing (P) 57.58% Organized (J) 42.42% Your type is: ENFP You are an Inspirer, possible professions include - conference planner, speech pathologist, HR development trainer, ombudsman, clergy, journalist, newscaster, career counselor, housing director, character actor, marketing consultant, musician/composer, artist, information-graphics designer, human resource manager, merchandise planner, advertising account manager, dietitian/nutritionist, speech pathologist, massage therapist, editor/art director.

Take Free Career Inventory Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

So much is happening these days. School is crazy busy, wedding coming up in four weeks (my Mom won't let me forget) things to do all week and all weekend.... argh! I wish I was going horseback riding this Saturday... sadness that I'm not, but at least I'll get in to the studio to mix up some glazes. I've done NO tests on them, yet... but if I mix on Saturday, I should be able to get tests done AND the final pieces done, too. Chicken coops to build, gardens to dig, job to find. Residency to sign up for *ack*!! Birthday cards to send EXPRESS to Mom. Jeez. Nuts.

I'm tired but the pain of losing Nami is fading, I still miss him - and wish I could have had him alive with us for so much longer. We'll get another cat one day.

Now I have to go and (hopefully) build some slab pieces for tomorrow. It's going to be another late night in the computer/clay room rocking out to MP3s and building slab pieces. *dry slabs dry* The've got to be a lot firmer than they are, now before I can do anything on them. :-/ so meanwhile... the dishes.

My dearest, sweet, loveable, cuddly, darling Nami is gone. He was attacked tonight, and killed. We don't know by what, but we suspect the neighbour dogs. The same ones who attacked Rainy twice before. They may just have chased away whatever actually killed him, but we don't know. I haven't talked to the neighbour, yet, I haven't checked the neighbour's dogs over for scratches. I got home from the clay studio at about 11:30pm and Matthew told me what happened. I'm furious, heartbroken and stunned. My beautiful home in the country seems marred somehow... and definitely empty.... definitely missing something. I feel like I failed him.

All I can say for sure at this moment is that I loved him. I still love him. My dear sweet Nami. Nothing can chase him, now. Nothing can hurt him where he is. Tomorrow, I will say goodbye and bury him in the forest, place a cairn over him so nothing can desecrate the place his body is resting. Then, he will be able to come with me to school, and I'll not have to leave him behind. Champ will welcome him and be his friend, that I am certain. They were two of a kind.

I think what hurts the most is that I hadn't even completely bonded with Nami, yet. He loved me, as he loved everyone and cuddled with everyone... but I did not yet know every little quirk and habit of his. I couldn't yet decipher what he was feeling every moment just from the way he moved or looked at me.... though I was learning. I have so many memories from the short time he was with us, but they all just break my heart right now. I'm very, deeply sorry that the time was so very short.

People sometimes wonder why I love my pets so much, when the loss of those pets hurts me so deeply. I can only tell them that the loss is nothing compared to the love. The pain receeds with time and the love still remains. We will have another cat come to live with us, one day. This one will stay indoors... and he will be loved, as deeply as any, in his own special way.

I should try to get some sleep... I had just caught up on it all yesterday... (11 hours) and I have so much to do at school in the coming weeks... I will try. Soon.

Yegads. Hanging out with my Mom for two days is enough. I love her, but really - she drives me mad. That and she seems to be seriously manic depressive. I'm worried about her, but I've tried to help her as much as I can... but really it is up to her to find help for herself. She tells me, in tears, about feeling overwhelmed, feeling like leaving Dad, feeling attacked all the time by everyone, feeling unworthy, feeling unloved, feeling rejected, feeling alone, feeling suicidal. I don't know what to do for her other than tell her I love her and urge her to seek help from outside the family. Seek help from someone impartial who will be on her side. Seek help from someone who can give her tools to deal with the feelings and help her to disover where they stem from.... just get help.

Having everything I do - right or "wrong" - be all about me doing it "to her" is really starting to wear irritatingly thin. I have to tune her out sometimes to deal calmly with her, but I know she really just needs help. I don't have the time, skills or energy to be that help, however.

I'm so glad I get to go to the clay symposium tomorrow, stay with another student and her sister tomorrow night, and then home on Sunday.

A good birthday... We have hot water again... since Friday morning. Ahhhhhh showers are good. Tonight we had my birth mom, birth grandma, birth aunt and sister over for dinner. They brought the cake and spinach dip and I made chicken in white wine sauce, mushroom sausage stuffing and green beans with garlic/olive oil. Yum. Dessert was an orange chiffon cake. Delicious! All in all a delightful evening in our new home. The 'official' housewarming will be next week. =) I'm tired, now.... going to head to bed so I can go in to the studio tomorrow and make things. =)

Casserole set? Serving dishes? Pitcher and tumblers? 7 serving bowls.... Set of plates.... hmmm.... the possibilities are ENDLESS!

Still no plumber. Still no hot water. That is until tomorrow. Then he comes and hopefully soon after that we'll have hot water again! Hooray for fellow students who life close by school and offer up their showers for my personal use. OMG. Good.

It's kind of ironic that I said "plumber" in that last post... because I meant "electirican". But it turns out that it wasn't the 'razor only' outlet (shaving thing, not mouse) that blew up as we had first suspected, but the hot water tank that is in the wall behind the 'razor only' outlet. Weird, eh? I kept having trouble and saying "plumber" instead of "electrician" in all my conversations about it and then yesterday we discover that it was INDEED a plumber we needed and not an electrician. Heh.

Other than that, life is good. =)

Electrical sparky incident this morning at 6am. Not good. Calling plumber.

Interesting.... I shall have to explore this further. Thanks Dev0n for the interesting quiz:

1. Mahayana Buddhism (100%)
2. Neo-Pagan (93%)
3. Unitarian Universalism (92%)
4. New Age (90%)
5. New Thought (90%)
6. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (89%)
7. Theravada Buddhism (89%)
8. Liberal Quakers (83%)
9. Scientology (81%)
10. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (80%)
11. Taoism (80%)
12. Hinduism (71%)
13. Jainism (66%)
14. Bahá'í Faith (64%)
15. Sikhism (63%)
16. Reform Judaism (57%)
17. Secular Humanism (49%)
18. Orthodox Quaker (47%)
19. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (44%)
20. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (38%)
21. Orthodox Judaism (35%)
22. Nontheist (29%)
23. Jehovah's Witness (27%)
24. Islam (24%)
25. Seventh Day Adventist (17%)
26. Eastern Orthodox (15%)
27. Roman Catholic (15%)

So they've come around. We've set a date and given them things to do towards it (wedding wise) and now that we've put an offer on the house, they're going to transfer the money to my account on Monday. Whew! Cuz boy howdy, it's going to come in handy. We have so much to do towards this house thing. Inspections, mortgages, lawyers, oh my. But it will be great to get into our own little place on 2 acres.

It's a 1977 de-registerd mobile home. On 2 acres. So we'll be trailer trash with acreage. It always makes me think of redneck rampage.... *BOOM* "Git off muh laa-und!!" Heh.

I'm so tired. It's time to sleep.

I just wrote a detailed post about motheres, mortgages and wedding plans and somehow I lost it. Argh. Here's the short version:

I spoke to my Mom about us going to see about getting a pre-approved Mortgage and buying a place together. She got upset, threatened to withold inheritance money from my Grandma if we weren't married first. I got upset and told her what I thought of that. (grrrr) But the conversation did make me realize what I want in a wedding and why I hadn't been planning one up until now - I had been trying to please everyone else and the thought of having to do that had overwhelmed me. M. and I sat down and talked about what WE want. Ideas began with eloping and faxing them a copy of the marriage certificate (heheh that'll show 'em!)... but not wanting to alienate both of our families, we decided that what we really want is a small ceremony with a marriage commissioner here in Nelson with just our parents in attendance followed by a pot luck party in Vancouver later in the week (planned by our parents so they can have who/what they want there - with our input of course...). We want to buy ourselves some nice clothes for the wedding, have rings made by KSA jewellery students and just keep things simple. It's never quite that simple, though. I know things will come up. But we'll deal with them when they do. We don't want presents, just friends to write us a letter and wish us well, or come and bring something they're proud of to the pot luck, or visit us some other time in the year. Our home is open to visitors year round - and I love to show people around Nelson!

We don't mean to exclude anyone with these plans, we just think that it's all about making this our beginning here in Nelson and sharing our bonding afterwards with family and friends. I don't want a big fuss and I don't really feel close enough to any one person (other than Matthew) to choose a maid/matron of honour, so this is how we've planned things.

I had more eloquent things to say in the first post... but I think this gives the jist of it. I'm happy about this - and glad that we finally realized what WE want to do. *glee*

Minus 9 degrees today. Um. Brr? Even the foggy windows have frozen on the inside. Maybe its time to put up that winter window kit? Yeah, I think so. Its also time to put the rest of the turkey and the stock I made from it, into the freezer. Maybe after lunch. I'll take some down to Matthew today. Maybe we'll be able to eat the rest of it - or I could put it into a turkey pot pie... With stuffing included. I think that's what I'll do.

Had tons of fun yesterday at my sister Carla's house. Kids, snowmobiles, GT Racers and crazy carpets. Cooking weiners over a campfire and warming up with hot chocolate all played a role in that sunny, snowy day. I have pictures, but posting them is a pain. ;-) Beautiful, though. Just beautiful.

Things are lovely. We spent time in Riondel with Bob, my birth dad and his family, and my sister Candy and her family - a pretty crazy time, but fun to be sure. I'm having a relaxing holiday, trying not to take on too much, though it's hard not to when I've been going full tilt at school for three months. I'm looking forward to January and starting the new semester. Bob bought a steer to butcher and split up for all the kids in his family ( he has four including me ). We now have a huge amount of frozen, organic, free-range, grain-finished beef in our freezer. Yum. I think I might get sick of beef this year, since I don't normally buy all that much of it... but maybe not. He wants to teach me to scuba dive this summer, and I want to learn. I think I'd also like to learn to shoot, maybe even hunt. I'd feel better about eating as much meat as I do if it were free range and I had to kill it myself. Might make me into a vegetarian, yet, though I doubt it. I'm surprisingly hard-hearted for an animal lover. :-/

Having trouble with my web browser, lately. It won't let me open internet sites that I frequent all the bloody time. mytelus.com, my very own blog, it's weird. Plus something is changing my home page all the time - though I hate to admit it, being that I should be geeky enough to A: avoid that sort of thing happening to me or B: be able to fix it if it does. Anti virus has done nothing. Somebody must have clicked "ok" to something that shouldn't have been clicked "ok" to. Hopefully it wasn't me. ;-) Maybe I'll just switch to netscape.. ;-) or Mozilla...

Anyway... off to watch a movie and then get some much needed sleep after last night's goings on. We slept in the Riondel fire hall last night. It was kinda cool. That's what comes from being related to the Fire Chief of Riondel. ;-)

I did like Ariosa did:

you are violet #EE82EE

Your dominant hues are red and blue. You're confident and like showing people new ideas. You play well with others and can be very influential if you want to be. Your saturation level is lower than average - You don't stress out over things and don't understand people who do. Finishing projects may sometimes be a challenge, but you schedule time as you see fit and the important things all happen in the end, even if not everyone sees your grand master plan. Your outlook on life is bright. You see good things in situations where others may not be able to, and it frustrates you to see them get down on everything.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

Show me that you love me in a way that I can comprehend. A way that touches my very being.

/me copies dev0n.

[[body ills and skills]]
nervous habits?: clenching my teeth
are you double jointed?: only in some fingers
can you roll your tongue?: yes
can you raise one eyebrow at a time?: just my left
can you blow spit bubbles?: yes
can you cross your eyes?: yes
tattoos?: one. large. on my back.
piercings and where?: two in ear, one in belly, more to come...
do you make your bed daily?: usually. keeps the dog's dirt out of my sheets and on top of the covers.


[[clothes]]
which shoe goes on first?: left
speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone?: don't think so
on the average, how much money do you carry in your purse/wallet?: not much. one word. interac.
what jewelry do you wear 24/7?: the rings in my piercings and a necklace of matthew's
favorite piece of clothing?: red short sleeved shirt with stitched abstract bugs on it.
pajamas: shorts and a t-shirt, or flannel if i'm sick/freezing.

[[food]]
do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?: twirl
have you ever eaten spam?: yep. nasty.
favorite ice cream flavor?: green tea
how many cereals in your cabinet?: three or four
what's your favorite beverage?: water
what's your favorite restaurant?: kamura sushi in nelson.
do you cook?: almost every day.

[[grooming]]
how often do you brush your teeth?: once or twice a day
how often do you shower/bathe?: every one to two days.
how long does your shower last?: 10 to 15 minutes.
hair drying method: towel dry, and then air dry
have you ever colored/highlighted your hair?: yep. might highilght it after it grows out a bit more.
do you paint your nails?nope

[[manners]]
do you swear?: fuck yeah.
do you ever spit?: only when absolutely necessary, and then, only in the bathroom. i agree with dev0n on this one. spitting IS nasty. and gross. and vile. and disgusting. ick.

[[what's your favorite]]
animal?: horses, rainy our dog and wave our cat.
food?: salmon
month?: august, december, march
day?: saturday
anime/manga?: eh?
shoe brand?: merrell
subject in school?: clay!
color?: blue/purple/green
sport?: anything equestrian, World Rally Championship.
tv show?: don't watch TV. =-)
best looking male celebs?: Hugh Jackman. Yummy.
thing to do in spring?: wilderness camping.
thing to do In the summer?: lay on the beach with a book.
thing to do In autumn?: back to school, kick crispy fallen leaves. breathe the smell of earth going to sleep.
thing to do In the winter?: build snow castles/sculptures.

[[in and around]]
the cd player?: supreme beings of leisure
person you talk most on the phone with?: matthew
ever taken a cab?: yes
do you regularly check yourself out in store windows and mirrors?: yep. have to make sure i got all the clay off after leaving the studio.
what color is your bedroom?: white, but it's gonna end up blue.
do you use an alarm clock?: yes
window seat or aisle?: aisle

[[la-la land]]
what's your sleeping position?: on my stomach, hugging one pillow, head on another, left leg bent.
even in hot weather do you use a blanket?: yep
do you snore?: when i'm sick or in allergy season
do you sleepwalk?: nope
do you talk in your sleep?: nope
do you sleep with a stuffed animals?: i sleep with real animals.
how about with the light on?: off. dark. dark. dark.
do you fall asleep with the tv or radio on?: nope

[[which is better]]
coke or pepsi?: pepsi when i'm weak. i shouldn't drink pop.
oranges or apples?: apples
one pillow or two?: two
deaf or blind?: blind
pools or hot tubs?: hot springs
blondes or brunettes?: brunettes
tall or short?: average
tv or radio?: radio
beach or pool?: beach
tic-tacs or certs?: tic-tacs
snooze button or jump out of bed?: jump out of bed
sunrise or sunset?: sunrise in winter, sunset in summer
hamburger or cheeseburger?: mushrrom cheese burger
morning or night?: morning
sports or news?: news
indoors or outdoors?: outdoors
christmas eve or christmas day?: christmas eve
cake or ice cream?: ice cream
spearmint or peppermint?: peppermint
bath or shower?: bath
book or movie?: book
green or red apples?: red/yellow (gala)
rain or snow?: snow
nike or adidas?: merrell

[[when was the last time you]]
took a shower?: today
cried?: almost today... in drawing class.
talked on the phone?: yesterday
read a book?: last night
punched someone?: a few weeks ago in metal class.

[[the future]]
where do you see yourself in ten years?: married, with children, living in the country
who are you going to be married to?: matthew
how many kids?: 2
your profession?: mom/potter
future school?: continue on at Kootenay School of the Arts
car of your dreams?: subaru impreza

Frustrating. Coming home. Helping do dishes. Only to be told " I need space ". At least he tells me what he needs. But the information is so conflicting, at times. Yeargh.

Best go back to school and get some work done. After dinner. After he finishes the dishes. Which will take longer, because I'm not helping anymore. Meh.

Like Ali... I follow the herd...


You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.


What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


-Motherly- You're the motherly type. You love to
take care of the one you love, and generally
you can be a bit overprotective and possessive,
but you know, that isn't always such a bad
thing. At least you'll be a good mom in the
future.


What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


You are Neo, from "The Matrix." You
display a perfect fusion of heroism and
compassion.


What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

My inner child is ten years old!

The adult world is pretty irrelevant to me. Whether
I'm off on my bicycle (or pony) exploring, lost
in a good book, or giggling with my best
friend, I live in a world apart, one full of
adventure and wonder and other stuff adults
don't understand.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

That's enough.

Things are better. I don't know why I ramble on so much sometimes. =)

We talked. I asked him what it was that I could do for him to really let him know that I love him - he said " I love it when you make me dinner". Cool! I love making dinner, so that's all good.

I told him what I like. Being told, "I love you", random spontaneous kisses and random spontaneous hugs/snuggles. =) Hopefully he'll take it to heart. Maybe I'll remind him. Lots. ;-)

The desire for someone to dote on me. Someone to tell me that I make living worthwhile. Someone to touch me in a way that is so tender, so connected... someone to woo me, to seduce me, to pamper me, to look after me. To do the little things that I would appreciate so much... clean the sink, bring me flowers... it doesn't have to be much... it doesn't have to be every day... just once in a while... take me aside, look deep into my eyes, tell me how much I mean to you... do I mean something special to you? Please just tell me. Show me. It's not that I forget... it's just that I sometimes need to hear it again. I melt when I hear it. Make me melt?

The wonder diminishes, the connection fades so easily... I am the one who maintains it. It's hard work. I want some help. I want some relief. I want to be shown that I am appreciated. It does no good if it's all inside you... Despite my many other abilities... I still can't read minds. Or hearts.

I just want to cry for a bit. Maybe a powerful movie will do it... I need something to take my mind off of this, or I won't get any sleep tonight for pining. Finish the laundry in the morning. Wear the same underwear again tomorrow until I have some that is dry. Hahahaha! Incoherent. Time to get off the computer and stop looking here for what it cannot possibly provide.

What a strange feeling. I'm alone. M is away in Kaslo with our friends for the weekend... he has a four day weekend, lucky man. However... this leaves me at home after a rather disturbing dream in which I was being stalked and subtly attacked by someone from my past. He had spent all the time since I last saw him developing a machine and program which would completely take over my mind and cause me all sorts of suffering - without anyone else ever knowing or me being able to tell anyone about it. Now I feel compelled to search this guy out and take him to task on it. Or at least put my mind at ease that he's doing other things with his time. I'm sure he is. It was a long, long time ago.

Funny how my brain works. Or doesn't.

At least school is wonderful and I'm back focused on clay as the one thing I want to learn how to do better than I ever imagined I could.

The Big Five Personality Test

Extroverted	||||||||||||||	58%
Introverted	||||||||||||	42%
Friendly	||||||||||||||||	70%
Aggressive	||||||	30%
Orderly	||||||||||||	50%
Disorderly	||||||||||||	50%
Relaxed	||||||||||||	50%
Emotional	||||||||||||	50%
Intellectual	||||||||||||||	60%
Practical	||||||||||	40%

Take Free Big 5 Personality Test

Okay so I finished my homework and took this test for fun. I feel it was fairly accurate, all in all. ;-)

You are 44% geek

You are a geek liaison, which means you go both ways. You can hang out with normal people or you can hang out with geeks which means you often have geeks as friends and/or have a job where you have to mediate between geeks and normal people. This is an important role and one of which you should be proud. In fact, you can make a good deal of money as a translator. Normal: Tell our geek we need him to work this weekend. You [to Geek]: We need more than that, Scotty. You'll have to stay until you can squeeze more outta them engines! Geek [to You]: I'm givin' her all she's got, Captain, but we need more dilithium crystals! You [to Normal]: He wants to know if he gets overtime.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

I've figured out that I won't have time to update this journal frequently during the school year. I'll leave it here, in case I *really* need to vent, but I will be keeping the journal on this page updated as regularly as time will allow. I want a record of my journey through school and that will be it.

I haven't been too active in this journal for the past week... mostly because I'm journalling my school and creative experiences elsewhere - and this was my first week of school. Suffice it to say here that it has already been amazing - and I'm ready for the mind and soul expanding that is going to happen over the next year. The bank-account shrinking that is going to occur is the hard part. We shall see how I hold up in school... I will apply this week for one of the few student positions that is available.. but it's not certain that I will get one and I don't really want to work outside of the school environment while I'm actually IN school. Summer is different, but still not much.

Almost ready for school. No more E.I. for me - I went yesterday and cancelled it, because you can't get E.I. when you are going to school... at least not to Art School. ;-) At any rate, I have student loan money and RRSP money to use - I will still have debt, but it should be manageable - and I will definitely HAVE to get a job next summer, but I should be able to last until school is over with, at least. Maybe I'll have to get a job down at the mall or something. Heh. Now that would be funny. Me working at the little "Japanese" food court place or at Save-On-Foods. That would be okay, actually - I should apply there. Might be able to get a student janitor position at school, which would be perfect - so I don't have to travel to work every day. We'll see. We'll see.

Today is the day to do a few more things around here... finally (hopefully) finish the curtains for the bedroom. I just have no idea of how to really do them "properly" so I'm guessing every step of the way. It'll all work out, though. Have to go take the front rack off of my bike, too - it's getting in M.'s way every morning when he leaves for work. I was kind of bitter when he asked me to take it off again this morning, but really it's no big deal - so why get bitter about it? I'll just remove it.

Wine gets bottled tomorrow. By me. Yep. I'm making wine. Me who doesn't even DRINK wine. But I cook with it, and it's cheaper this way, and it'll make good Christmas gifts (for those who DO drink wine). Heh.

Been thinking alot lately about how to get funding to start a small arts-based business in Nelson. I'll be doing research online, try to find grants and government funding to start a studio/teaching/gallery space. It'd be amazing to have a little coffee shop/bookstore out of the space, too.... or next to it? I think I have to figure out how to make a business plan first of all -- then I can apply for funding or investors of some kind. I doubt I can manage to get a studio together on my own... but we shall see. Three years of school will put me in a bit of debt... (more than I have already) but it will also teach me TONS about what I need to know to both run a craft based business and to do the crafting itself.

I'm ready. Let's get started.

For fun... The Friday Five:

1. Are you going to school this year?
Yes. Damn, it still seems strange to type that. =)

2. If yes, where are you going (high school, college, etc.)? If no, when did you graduate?
Kootenay School of the Arts: Centre for Craft and Design

3. What are/were your favorite school subjects?
In high school they were Biology, English, Band, Art and P.E.. This being my first year at KSA, I have no idea what my favourite subjects will be, but I'll bet it'll be the clay studio.

4. What are/were your least favorite school subjects?
Math.

5. Have you ever had a favorite teacher? Why was he/she a favorite?
I've had a few "favourites". Grade 6. Mr. Jamieson. He'll always stick out as a teacher that was amazing. He was fairly new to teaching and hadn't yet been jaded by the system like all the other teachers that I'd had up until that point. He taught us games and played them with us, sang us songs that he wrote himself and inspired us to think globally and act locally. We went through all the garbage cans on the upper floor of our school and separated the recyclables, the compostables and the true garbage. We all went to McDonald's and left the styrofoam packaging on the counter saying, "No thank you, I don't want this part.". He had a contest to see who could keep an ice cube from melting for one day without using mechanical refridgeration - my friend Jan won and took me to McDonald's with her and "Dr. J". All in all, I remember him the most fondly.

My clay teacher Veronica at the Richmond Potter's Club was a beautiful and inspiring person - she moved from China, went to school in the Maritimes and made amazing and beautiful pottery - and she always had a ready smile, laugh and helping hand. I can't wait to hook up with her once I'm done with school... see what she's up to!

I wonder who will be my favourite at KSA? So much new to learn!

Home again and things are going well. There were some moments of angst as my "expectations" for what my greeting would be when I got home weren't "met". Stupid expectations. Having them and giving them power over me sure makes life miserable! I realize that I have a man who loves me VERY much. We talked yesterday... and it was good. Emotional needs are even more important that physical needs in my world - and even harder to meet. The problem is (I think) that part of me is still worried that this new life direction isn't "legitimate"... I feel guilty about the fact that I will be going to school for three years to learn to do something that I love to do. Pretty messed up, no? Pretty normal, too - considering the way I was brought up and the way I react to the world. "I'm wrong, everybody else is right." Is pretty much my normal state of being. I'm working on realizing and altering that. I can also hardly wait for school to start so that I have a more scheduled existence for a while. I"m ready to work hard at it and divvy up the household stuff. So's Matthew. He envies me going to school, but he totally feels it's legitimate. He rocks.

And on the weight loss front... things have slowed down (cuz I've been eating too much level two) but I am now down another 5 lbs! 170/150/140!! Ten more to go! I've been strictly level one the last two days and I will be for the next few weeks. No cheesecake, even - cuz I've found that slows my weight loss. I will make it just before school, however - cuz it's great to take in a lunch and I'll be walking to school every day. I do have to come up with something yummy to take for lunch. I wonder if the school has a microwave or something I can use to heat up a hot lunch? I guess we'll see.

It's way too early, but I'm going HOME! Approximately 14 hours and 15 minutes from now we should be pulling in to Nelson's Greyhound Terminal... as long as the forest fires don't change our route... otherwise, it'll be even longer.

Time for breakfast, load the cab and head on down to the bus station.

I'm looking forward to my own bed, my own home, my dog and my love. (not necessarily in that order).

Such strange dreams these last few days. All about sexual tension and all with people I have never had any feelings for in the past, including one woman. All the dreams were erotic but not explicit, I don't know if I've ever had an explicit dream. I think all my sex dreams have been the erotic variety. Charged with sexual tension, but never ever including even so much as a naked breast. I distinctly remember someone stroking my back oh-so-tenderly, gently up and down my spine. Setting me on fire. And kissing, lots of intense and passionate kissing. I wonder what brought these dreams on?

Missing Matthew? Oh yes. I think so. I'm going home tomorrow.

I'm feeling quite run-down after a week of city life. I must have caught a minor bug on the bus... ever since Wednesday night I've been feeling like a cold-bug is trying to beat me up. Every morning I wake up feeling better, but with a scratchy voice that tells me I'll feel worse by evening.

Despite this, I've done some shopping (new shoes, new climbing harness, new watch, new fleece pants) and have plans to hit the PNE... though what day, I don't know. Maybe I'll leave here on Tuesday, though I've been planning for Monday all along. That way I could PNE on Monday... but maybe I'll just go down there and sell my ride pass to someone else who can use it. I just want ot go to the PNE and see the shows, the prize home and the superdogs. Maybe grab a bite to eat, too. Heh. I could do those things by myself, even if it would be more fun with a group.

Still waiting to hear back from friend Arc and his cuter half about whether or not tonight or Sunday works for them best at Granville Island for the Wooden Boat show.

Busy, busy city. I want to go home soon and get some rest!

Wow - this blogger thing sure looks different on a MAC... I'm visiting in Vancouver and had a Grand Day Out with JJ - the 2 year old son of my friends and hosts - so they could clean and pack and just have an overall productive day. It was awesome. =) Lots of driving, and lots of traffic... man am I glad I live in Nelson, now - so peaceful.

At any rate.. I have to call Ari lest she think I forgot her so we can organize a dance night out. That ought to be fun!

Time to go eat dinner... I miss my love, my dog and my home in Nelson. Life is good.

A wonderful week with Ariosa in Nelson and now I'm heading down to Vancouver with her so I can go and help some friends of ours with their packing and moving to Kaslo. Whee. =)

We're working on the crap, by the way. I brought it up and we're both willing to admit we have crap. That's the first step. Being willing to admit that we need help with our crap is an awesome second step. We'll make it.

Sometimes I wonder why I put up with your crap. I know I have crap of my own, you sometimes put up with it and sometimes don't... sometimes my crap triggers yours or vice versa. Still, I sometimes wonder why I put up with your crap. There is so much positive in our lives for you to be so negative all the time. I care about you so much... I WANT you so much... but I don't feel that coming back from you, except ever so seldom and usually it's when I ask you to tell me, or show me... and even then it doesn't happen each time I ask. Why does my heart break when I look at you and feel so much desire for you? Because I don't think the feeling is reciprocated. Maybe it is, but I sure don't feel it. Why not? I look at a stranger, admiring a tattoo, or the line of a muscle... and I get more joy. That's not right. What can I do to stop feeling this way?

Friends and family galore invading our home... and I'm loving it. We went down to the lakeside today and swam and sunned and lolled and laughed. It was fun and relaxing. It's great when you live in a place that people come to for vacation. You get to spend time unwinding with all your guests. Anyone else want to come visit? We'll have a free bed in a couple of days... =) Ariosa and M's sister's family are here. It's nice to cook for people. Make ice cream for people. Go to Baker Street and Lakeside Park with people. Share the peace and small-town-ness with people. There are, however, three small forest fires burning in the near vicinity. They seem to be well in hand, so no worries. We'll keep checking the news to make sure we don't have to go anywhere. That'd suck. I'd best pay my insurance, now, hm? Tomorrow. For certain.

e. What fun.

Don't you just hate it when you're sitting there idling in IRC and suddenly an arm muscle you didn't even know you had starts twitching involuntarily? Sometimes it weirds me out, other times I try to figure out which muscle it is, just to have it stop twitching when I get close to figuring it out.

Ariosa is coming to visit me! Whee! She'll be here from the 9th until the ??th! We'll see how long she can handle us all here. We'll have other guests for part of the time, but she and I may just go play camp-out girls (or M and his neice will... we'll see). Anyway... should be wonderful fun.

I bought some school supplies today. First time in like... forever. Art supplies. Acrylics. Gouache. Conte. Things I had never heard of before that I will learn to use. Neat.

It rained today for the first time in at least a month... and the smell was incredible. You know that summer rain smell where the dry earth, plants and pavement just release the fresh incredible smell of "Thank you". I swear it's the earth having an orgasm after a long dry spell. Or maybe that's spring. Anyway it was awesome.

w00. Scale reads 155lbs today. That makes 5 more pounds lost. 170/155/140. It's slowed down a bit because I'm eating a few too many 'level two' meals. This week I went back to strictly 'level one' and things are progressing again. I think all that level one cheesecake kind of counts as 'level two'.

We were away in Kaslo this weekend, during Jazz fest, but not for it. Our friends have bought a lovely chunk of land there and are going through the hell of building a home. Not just any home, though - a timber frame home. I love timber frame. We met the timber framer that they will likely use if the money works out the way they hope and he's really neat. A true, honest to goodness, free spirit. He lives in a cabin in the woods with his wife - and it doesn't have a toilet... but it does have a lovely outhouse with a view of the creek. I hate outhouses, but I liked his. I guess it's just public outhouses that I hate. Kind of like public washrooms, though I don't have nearly the angst about those that I do about outhouses. I always feel like something is hiding in the dark down there waiting to try and crawl up and snatch me. Heh. But not in a good way. They have buff orpington chickens that are very happy and healthy looking and a garden of veggies surrounded by a tall fence to keep the deer out. I want.

The weekend was tough for me, partly because I feel out of place amongst the talented and wealthy enough to buy property and build a house couple that we went with... I feel like they're Matthew's friends, not mine... but it's not true. I also started bleeding at the beginning of their visit AND was being strict with my diet while all around me there was ice cream and pizza. Every day. Bastards. I was also fighting with some expectations that Matthew would act differently towards me, coddle me more, baby me more... snuggle me more, hold my hand more... things that to me mean that he loves me. How stupid. He loves me. He tells me, when I ask... when I wonder if I'm just in the way and he'd rather be alone with the couple... he tells me he wouldn't want to be there without me. Being there with me is what makes it. Instead of sulking and letting the grumpies set in, I just have to ask. I wish I didn't have to ask, though... *sigh* Expectations rule my world. At least I'm aware of it.

Got my welcome package for school in the mail yesterday. Today I will go out and price the supply list that they sent me at the two stores in town where I can get supplies... and then buy them at the cheapest place. I should figure out a budget so I know how little money I will have, too. Gah. I think I'm going to have to try to find a part time job. Harder than it sounds around these parts.

Off I go to price things. And put laundry away. And stuff.

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Welcome to my haircut blog. My back pain is minimal now, more a discomfort, really - and I was able to hobble on down to StreetFest for the remaining two days. The ill-gotten gains: A didgeridoo for me and one for Matthew, a flute and a quena for me, a loon call for Matthew and a sarong set for me. It's tie dyed two shades of blue - very beautiful and the sarong is so comfy. I'm going to make a few of my own. How easy!

In other news... another 5 lbs gone! I'm now down to 160. Hooray! I told you I'd only post every 5 lbs... and if I only post every week or so... this means you get weight news every 2 posts... well so be it! I made a 'legal' cheesecake yesterday.... my first attempt at something 'sweet' for a desert treat. It's yummy. I think it tastes great, M thinks it's a bit 'tart' for his taste... I guess not having sugar for 3 weeks will make anything taste sweet. Heh. I'll be making curried chicken at home tonight, though I discovered a new Indian restaurant in town! I'll have to check them out... no rice for me, though. This weight loss thing is working. I'm not going to mess with it. I want to be the same weight I was at 23. So far so good.

I finally got off my butt and worked with clay today. I built a coil pot that I will hopefully grow some herbs in over the winter. It's simple and wobbly, but it's my first one since about grade 3. I can't wait for school to start.

I'm tired, though... there's been a heat wave here the last week or so - it's been around 37 degrees Celsius every day. I'm enjoying it, but I think it's nap time... or soap milling time... we'll see.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

I put my back out. It was stupid, really... I guess the way most 'I put my back out' stories are... I was standing my bike up after lying it down to sit and watch a performance at StreetFest (OMG FUN!) and KEEE-RUNCH - agonizing pain. As I lowered myself to the ground as slowly and gently as I could while in excruciating pain, I knew there was no way I was getting up any time soon. A nice volunteer named Guy called 911 and I got a ride in an ambulance. I suppose I'll have to pay for that 2.5 minute ride to the hospital. Suck. I hear it's $120 bucks. Huge suck. The upside is - nothing is out of place, it's spasming and they gave me fun drugs (valium and T3s) to ease the pain until it works itself out. They are working marginally at this point, but rest and more drugs should do the trick in 2-7 days. If this post isn't all that coherent... well, blame the valium.

Before the back incident, I was REALLY enjoying StreetFest. I bought myself some practice poi (with green and purple streamers!) and a quena - a south american notched flute made by a local craftsman. I also bought a digeriedoo. Two, in fact. One for Matthew for Christmas (Merry Christmas in July!) and a smaller one for me. I'm looking forward to playing and practicing - I want music in my life that comes from our family. =-) On the bright side - with the back problem I'll have lots of time to practice. ;-) I still want to go down to Streetfest at least once more and talk to the flute maker about the range of the instrument... and maybe buy an actual rennaissance flute that you play sideways, too. I know. I'm bad. I'm not buying myself any new clothes until I finish shrinking... and I shouldn't even buy THESE things... but here I am, buying them, anyway. =) I'll enjoy them. I already have enjoyed the quena - I played it (quietly) while lying in the emergency ward. Fun!

Anyway... drugs. Good. Back pain. Bad. Coherence. Missing. Methinks I'm going to go veg on the couch and play my new quena for a while.

The memorial service yesterday was really beautiful. There were a lot of tears shed, including my own... even though I didn't know "Uncle" very well, he meant so much to Carla and she was in so much pain, that I took some of it into myself and expressed it. It was a tiring day - emotionally draining.

This weekend we will be heading to Vancouver for a whirlwind tour. Leave Nelson on Friday at 11:30am and leave Vancouver on Saturday night after M's course. Yow. Lucky for me, they'll drop me off at my parents' house and pick me up when they're done the course.

I started Somersizing last week. I've lost 5lbs so far. My pants fit better, again. This rocks. Food has always been my problem. Sugar most certainly has been. I have yet to find a Splenda sweetened drink to satisfy my sweet drink craving.... I will not do Aspartame. I just can't. I've heard too many bad things about it. This diet isn't low fat at all. It's low carb. I eat fruit and some whole-grain carbs with skim milk for breakfast and then I go for proteins and fats with veggies for the rest of the day. It's amazing how I'm losing weight. I don't even miss the sugar -- and I have been a HUGE slurpee, iced tea, jam on toast fiend for ever. These were the things that were causing me to gain weight. Going to 'low-fat' substitutes only added more carbs and sugar to my diet... which made the weight gain worse. Anyway. If anyone has any questions about what I'm doing diet-wise, just post in my guestbook and I'll answer you... otherwise I won't bore you to death with every pound. Maybe just every 5lbs, okay?.... only 25 more to go to goal weight.

Early yesterday morning Carla's Uncle passed away suddenly in her arms. They were very close. All I want is to be there for her. I will be.

The sea of storms has calmed since last I wrote. The weekend brought a bicycle trip to Salmo - about 55km. Far for our first ride... and most of it along the old Burlington Northern rail line that runs through Nelson, Ymir and Salmo. It was a bit bumpy on the bum, but the scenery, the clean air and the peacefulness compared to taking the highway made it a trip to soothe the soul. It was also soothing because we got to Salmo on our own steam and had the option to leave whenever we wanted to. It felt like I was more in control, more powerful in the situation. Equal. I didn't feel like I was a burden, and I felt like we had a say in how things went... it seems weird because things are never forced or nasty out there... but that small sense of being "empowered" did wonders for my psyche.

Yesterday I spent most of the day with an old Basset Hound named Willy. He was trundling down the street at about 8:50 am as I was watering the garden. The middle of the street. With no human friend in sight. I grabbed him, persuaded him up the stairs with cookies and a leash and he turned out to be a real sweetheart. He talked a lot. That groaning, grumpy, huffy, deep-whine of a talk... which was very cute. We posted signs, called the SPCA, the vets... nobody had reported him missing. We were just about to settle down for the night to watch "The Pianist" when I saw someone pull up and tear down the sign we'd put up accross the street. Willy's Mom. They had been away so they hadn't been missing him and our signs had been up since before they got home so the worry on their end was far less than ours. Willy wiggled like crazy when he saw her and sang for us when he got into the car. It was adorable. I should have gotten a picture of him. *sniffle*

Today is the day to clear out the stuff we're sending to the Sally Ann. And the paper recycling. And get this place cleaned up and creative. I have to go talk to our landlady and see if she'll drive us downtown with all the junk. Off I go.

How morbid and depressing I can be. I'm trying to make a list of things to do today... and I'm torn between getting out to Salmo because I said I would and staying here and doing whatever. I think I'd like to ride out there tomorrow morning with Matthew. We can do it if we leave early enough. I can spend today finishing my stained glass, cleaning up that table area, packing and then doing whatever needs doing around here. Maybe I'll sketch... I haven't in too long. Practice makes perfect..... no, not perfect, but practice makes art. Without it, I just think about making art, and that doesn't accomplish anything.

Another sleepless night. Perhaps tonight I will take the plunge and make some sleepytime tea. Though not yet.... too much pondering going on. Some of it, I hope, coming to good. More and more and more of the overwhelming feelings of the weekend washing over me. To the point of getting into a state that I have not been in since I was in my teens. Absolutely overwhelemd. Numb. Feeling separated from everything else in the universe except what was going on in my own head. Which wasn't pretty.

I'm sure it's regression. I'm sure it's due to meeting my birth family and going back to the "trying to fit in" feeling of my teens. But I think there's something more there, too. Feeling not good about myself to the point of walking into the bathroom and suddenly wondering how much blood would drip from my arms were I to slash them with an exacto isn't normal, even for me. I seem to think it's a big secret that I don't think I'm good enough - but I'm always hinting at it... asking for approval.. checking in with my honey to be sure he's not going to leave me... it's become worse because of the regression, I think.

The one good thing in all of this is that I am able to look at it, once the feelings of numbness pass, and seriously say to myself. I am going to go get some help with this. I can't do it on my own, but I CAN do it.

I lied, there are two good things in all of this. The above, and the fact that M. is totally willing to come with me on this trip to figure out why I feel this way. For us.

He rocks. We'll make it.

This weekend was a multitude of feelings and emotions. I feel like I'm 15 all over again. I'm visiting with my birth family more and more.. this weekend, our 'nuclear' famliy was all together in the same place for the very first time. It was a farewell party for my birth sister Candy. Birth mom, birth dad, birth sisters... all together. As I always have done, I was trying to fit in. Why do I do this? Why have I ALWAYS done this? Why has it NEVER, not once, not EVER... felt like I actually belonged despite my efforts? Is this a feeling that is life-long for adoptees? I don't fit with my adoptive family, I don't fit with my birth family. I don't fit ANYWHERE. Even in my relationship... I don't feel like I "belong". I feel like, through no fault of my own, everything good that happens will eventually come to an end. I will live my life full of memories. Memories of what was, memories of dreams. I will live my life as a fraction of what it could be. Who am I? Where do I belong? Maybe I'm too scared to let myself belong anywhere. Always the chameleon. Changing my colour to fit that of those around me. Some have called me 'original'. I don't. In my mind, I'm the biggest fraud there is.

There are moments, fragments of my life, where I don't feel this way. When I know, definitively, what purpose it is I have devised for myself, when I experience life from a place of strength and certainty. I thought that meeting my birth family would be one of those... instead I find myself a child again. A teenager - but with no rules. I can drink, smoke pot... do anything at all as I flail through the emotions, the doubts and the death of dreams. Coming to terms with the reality of a family that I never knew. An origin that is shared. An experience that is not.

Maybe that is the work of reunion? Maybe that is the experience of reunion. It is my experience. Is that where I belong? In my own experience?

Wheee! I did it. I bought the wringer washer. I paid for it today, now I'm just searching for a way to get it here without paying $25 for delivery. It's a speed queen, model 26-231W. I want to find out more about it, like when it was made, get a manual for it, stuff like that... and I can hardly wait to use it!! Oh the bliss.... clean clothes and not having to cart them downtown to the laundromat. I'm not quite sure how we're going to dry sheets during the winter... but we'll figure something out. Probably on the line that M. rigged in the spare room - so far it's only been used to dry my tent - but well-wrung sheets should be no problem. The price was more than $75, but it will still be paid for in less than 1/2 year of going to the laundromat. Happiness...

This weekend brings going to Salmo again. My birth-sister Candy is moving to Calgary at the end of the month and this is her 'farewell party'. It should prove to be a raucous good time. Hope M. has fun with me, he's not usually into that kind of scene - neither am I, but I think I'm more adaptable that way.

Why, oh why, is it that people who have animals love to put cheezy midi files on their website? That pretty much tops the list of things I can't stand... that and pop-ups. Thank goodness I never thought either were a good idea on my own websites.

Epona.com is coming along. Now to photograph my pottery and get it up there. A project for a day with 4 hours of sleep? Hmm... I might have to think about that one... maybe while I have a nap.

Can't sleep. I don't know if it's because I worked on the computer all day or because I'm wishing my honey had seduced me tonight instead of farting off to bed (literally).

Had a laundry kind of day today.. which was good. It needed doing. MAN do things dry FAST when it's this hot out! Luckily for me, it stays really, really cool in the basement suite we're in. I have to put on a fleece to keep warm if I'm not moving around much - even on the hottest days. After doing laundry I happened to notice a sign saying "Farm fresh eggs $3" in the appliance repair shop next to the laundromat. I went in to buy some and on a whim I asked them if they knew where I could get a wringer washer. They have one in their shop. They think it's $75 and they know it works. Someone is going to call me back with a confirmation on the price.

Now.... I know this may seem weird, but hey... this is me I'm talking about here... I really, REALLY want a wringer washer. You know, the old fashioned kind that has a big wringer on the top and you run your clothes through it to squeeze the water out. There are a number of reasons for this, probably none of which will stop you from going "WTF?! WHY??!" but I'm going to list them anyway. It's late. I'm suffering from insomnia. You've been warned.

1. Wringer washers use less water. You can do all your loads of laundry with the same wash water before you have to drain the tank.
2. Wringer washers use less time - you only have to agitate long enough to get your clohtes clean, not for the entire 'cycle' of a regular machine. The dirtier, the longer. You decide.
3. Wringer washers use less detergent (one batch of wash water for all loads)
4. They're smaller than 'normal' washing machines.
5. They're cheaper than 'normal washing machines. (to buy, fix and run)
6. They look cool.

At any rate... if the price truly is $75 and the shop will deliver... then I think I'll be buying it to do laundry with. It sure beats handwashing and trying to wring enough water out of the clothes to have them dry in this cold basement in less than four days...

Back to surfing... Wish I could sleep.

I've been working on www.epona.com this morning... so far - it's going well... at least I think so. Now all I have to do is add some content. Heh. Isn't that always the way?

I'm going to use it as a creative site - journalling and displaying my creative journey. I'll still use this for my personal rants and raves. I figure on having sections for pottery, photographs and other creative persuits... we'll see how it goes. It's not up, yet... but if you ask nicely, I can certainly give you a sneak preview. =) I'm trying to find a way to put my email address on the website without getting a mega-ton of spam and without having it impossible for newbie users to successfully email me...

At any rate... I'm also trying to get my favourite digital photos up and take some nice photos of the pottery that I'm not ashamed of and put that up there as well... poetry and short stories to come...

I've been working on www.epona.com this morning... so far - it's going well. Remarkably well. Now all I have to do is add some content. Heh. Isn't that always the way? I'm going to use it as a creative site - journalling and displaying my creative journey. With sections for pottery, photographs and other creative persuits... we'll see how it goes. It's not up, yet... but if you ask nicely, I can certainly give you a sneak preview. =) I'm trying to find a way to put my email address on the website without getting a mega-ton of spam and without having it impossible for newbie users to successfully email me...

I lost my post yesterday that said "We're in Vancouver"... so here's the shorter version in a recap. We're in Vancouver for the wedding of a childhood friend of Matthew's. The wedding was beautiful - in Stanley Park at The Pavillion and I met a lot of the people that Matthew grew up with in the Slocan Valley. Today we slept in like crazy and then had brunch with my parents. I surprised my mom with my new short haircut - yes, I did it, I cut off the dreads. As much as I loved the look - they were just so not practical for the lifestyle that I lead... going hiking in tick infested forests when you have a 124 nappy dreads isn't the smartest idea... plus they are way warm in the summer, PLUS I can't wear my horseback riding helmet with them... so it was time for them to go. I'm glad I did have them, though - I would have regretted not having done it at least once in my life.

Anyway lunch was great - we then picked up some dogfood and we're now on our way down to the Greyhound station to catch our overnight bus to Nelson. We get there at 5:10 AM... we leave at 6PM. One hour shorter than the ride down here. Heh.

At any rate... I hope this post works - if not I'll be updating from home with even fewer details. ;-)

We're in Nelson. Move was smooth as silk (though we have WAY too much "stuff" - don't even get me started on that one.) I love Nelson, the hills, the shops, the mountains, the wilderness, the civic centre movie theatre that shows one movie per week (or so). =-) This week is Matrix Reloaded - we went to see X2 the week before last. We're walking and biking everywhere and loving it. I don't feel homesick for the Lower Mainland at all - I wonder if I will? I probably won't because I can still call my Mom and Dad whenever I want to and my whole "immediate" family is here, already... Matthew, Rainy and Wave... and all of our "stuff". Gah. Time for another garage sale.

I met my birth dad on the weekend and I can really see where I get a fair bit of who I am and what I look like. Wow. I have a pic of the two of us together for those of you who are interested. Email me. Same bat time. Same bat channel. (telus.net, fools!)

Anyway.. updating this thing isn't what I want to be doing right now. We're expecting company in about an hour's time - they're driving up from Vancouver. Whee! Full house! Then we're heading to Vancouver by Greyhound on Friday night for a wedding on Saturday. We'll probably be back on Tuesday morning.

Things are coming together for the move... Pretty much the only thing that isn't packed is my computer. Heh. Go figure. ;-) It's our entertainment centre and connection to the world right now, but soon it, too will be relegated to bubble wrap and cardboard for a few days. ADSL is available where we're moving but it won't be ready until about a week after our phone line is hooked up on the 29th... so no internet for us for a week or so. Eep.

Ah well. All is good. So if you can't find me for a few days or I don't answer (hmm... what else is new, eh?) I'll be back online and checking my telus email soon.

The adventure continues...

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Hee! Ali told a fib. She did share the Kim goodness with me - for a lovely stroll and lunch on The Drive. I'm very thankful, since they rescued me from my brain which was getting a bit fractured and more than usually odd as the result of packing for such an extended period. I'm now full of burger and salad goodness, refreshed from their presence and our walk and ready to tackle it again. A few more hours and I'll head out for some Easter Turkey dinner at Matthew's mom's place. =) Better get cracking. We're loading the truck one week from today. Eep!

So things never go as we expect them to. Thank goodness! I expected the worst when I went over to my parents' house yesterday... and though it was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do, it really had better results than I could have hoped for. I feel closer to my parents than I ever have before. They now know *everything*. There's nothing that I'm hiding anymore. It seems there always has been... and now it's clear that they're my parents and I can love and trust them as I've always wanted to. And even though they have told me that they do not want to have contact with the birth family... they're not mad that I will continue to do so.

In other amazing news, I've been accepted to KSA for first year studies! Whee! Now to figure out where the money to live and study is going to come from.

Did anyone think that I'd ever be here? I didn't. Happy. Moving to Nelson, job lined up, apartment lined up, engaged to be married, registering for school in the fall??! Amazing. Blessed Be.

Well. I'm home in Vancouver. I can barely believe the whirlwind weekend we've had. We left Friday afternoon around 3:00 and arrived in Salmo at 12:30 - long drive with lots of anticipation on my part of what we were headed into. There were so many emotions and feelings and things going on - it feels as though we've been gone two weeks. The short results are: I met my birth Mother, my full sister and her partner, my neices, my nephew, my birth Grandmother and birth Aunt and we all had dinner together. Matthew and I both got jobs and we found a basement suite to live in underneath what we think will be a great landlord and neighbour. I had my admissions interview at KSA and it went swimmingly well. I'll hear if I'm accepted in the next few weeks.

To quote a dear and loveable person named Ali, "Oh my word!".

I can't begin to describe the emotions that are running through me. I'm overwhelmed with the fear, the doubt, the worry and the anxiety about telling my Mom and Dad tomorrow about ALL of the goings on this weekend (they already know about the job and the apartment part) plus the stress of the fact that I have way less than absolutely no money until a few weeks after I start work up there.

Matthew just called. He rocks. We'll make it through this together. I'm still stressed, but not overwhelmed. I love you, Matthew. OMG. So much.

We're going.

Yes, the interview in Nelson is this coming Monday... not last Monday... and combined with the stress of a job interview, comes not one but TWO delightful passtimes... First, Meeting the Birth Mother (and family). I'm ready, though. I'm glad I've already met Carla and they all have pictures of me etc etc etc... makes things much easier. Then there's the job interview, and after the job interview there will be the tour of the school I want to go to and the admissions interview complete with portfolio presentation. Yikes. Ok. Gadzooks.

I'll be fine, really.

We leave in 25 minutes.