Another sleepless night. Perhaps tonight I will take the plunge and make some sleepytime tea. Though not yet.... too much pondering going on. Some of it, I hope, coming to good. More and more and more of the overwhelming feelings of the weekend washing over me. To the point of getting into a state that I have not been in since I was in my teens. Absolutely overwhelemd. Numb. Feeling separated from everything else in the universe except what was going on in my own head. Which wasn't pretty.

I'm sure it's regression. I'm sure it's due to meeting my birth family and going back to the "trying to fit in" feeling of my teens. But I think there's something more there, too. Feeling not good about myself to the point of walking into the bathroom and suddenly wondering how much blood would drip from my arms were I to slash them with an exacto isn't normal, even for me. I seem to think it's a big secret that I don't think I'm good enough - but I'm always hinting at it... asking for approval.. checking in with my honey to be sure he's not going to leave me... it's become worse because of the regression, I think.

The one good thing in all of this is that I am able to look at it, once the feelings of numbness pass, and seriously say to myself. I am going to go get some help with this. I can't do it on my own, but I CAN do it.

I lied, there are two good things in all of this. The above, and the fact that M. is totally willing to come with me on this trip to figure out why I feel this way. For us.

He rocks. We'll make it.