UP down up down up. DOWN~! On the fascinating rollercoaster of life. F*CK!!! You don't think I'm worth it. FUck you and the fucking slimy camel toad you rode in on. I AM FUCKING WORTH IT ASSHOLE@! Just. Fucking. TRY!!!!!!

I hate my life at this moment. Strangely enough, just hours ago it was okay... but mere hours before that it was not. Fuck off with the roller coaster already.

Maybe I should just be single. Wouldn't that be fun? Is that why I'm not? Fear? Maybe. That's the payoff for staying in this relationship, I don't have to deal with the fear.

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting a different result.

Depression sets in. Apathy. My house has never been messier and I barely care. I don't care enough to do anything about it, anyway. When I'm in a relationship and I'm not feeling loved and appreciated, I just don't care about anything. It's called "not having my needs met". But is there anyone in the world who *could* meet them? Am I asking too much? *heartbreak* *heartache* They're barely there. I block them out so successfully most of the time that I don't feel anything at all. When I do start to feel them again, it's for a fitful moment or two of tears, sobs wrack my body and then I suck it back down and block it. It'll blow one day. It'll blow but good.

The worst part is that i realize that i have to get to this state for him to even notice that something is wrong. I tell him my needs but he does not want to provide them. Not even a little. I think it's because I challenge him too much. His self esteem isn't enough to bear up under me wanting more or something different from him. It makes him wrong. It's always about how I make him wrong. I don't want him to be wrong, that's why I'm trying to show him what I need, but it doesn't seem to get through in a positive way.

Why even bother thinking about it. Writing about it. It's just going to happen again, isn't it. Not a question. Statement. End of sentence. End of blog entry.