I'm running out of boxes. I think that's a good sign that I'm making progress, because I can't really see any other signs... Yegads, still so much to pack. Maybe there are flattened boxes in the cardboard bin downstairs... I think I'll go check while I'm on this "filling the boxes" roll. I have to pack a few different kinds of boxes. The kind that are going into the storage space that I rented today and the kind that are going with me to my new temporary digs at Mom and Dad's.

Computer.
Music.
Clothes.
Toiletries.
Dog supplies.
Electronics.

Some of this stuff I can load in the car and take over there after work this week. I can also load things in the car in the morning to go to storage. That sounds like a plan. Wee. Watch me making the boring strategic moving plan on my blog. Meh.

The mundane tasks are taking over my life! At least tomorrow I will go with Ali to see The Vagina Monologues at 2:00. Culture? Bring it on! I hope it makes me think. I like entertainment that does that. From what I hear, it will.

I'll letcha know.

I still love George even though I know we aren't "right" together right now. The hardest part of this split and remaining friends will be seeing him with someone else when that happens. I'm sure it will, someday. How to be happy for him when I still consider him "mine" in that way? I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.. just as he may have to cross it at some point if I meet someone else. How come it always seems like the other person is having a much easier time of it than I am? How realistic is that perception? How irrelevant is my thinking right now?

I have packing to do. And...... ACTION!

Feels like I accomplished something. Not sure if that's true or not what with the state I'm in.

This blog is tending towards inane blather. I don't know if I have a remedy for that or not. let's see...

What do I believe in? Myself. Do I believe in God? Not sure, really. A higher order perhaps, but not really a supreme being. I believe we are all connected, and that is why we should be good to one another. I don't think we have to be good because we'll "go to Hell" if we're not and "go to Heaven" if we are... rather I have a more personal sense of connectedness to my fellow planet-mates that makes me feel a sense of responsibility about how I act towards them. I would hope that they have it for me, too.

The world that I live in today does not so much lack self respect as it lacks regard for others. If we held each other in higher regard it would make the world a better place. A safer place, too. If we held strangers in higher regard, perhaps we would be more willing to help them out when we saw that they were in trouble and vice versa. Whether they just dropped something from their purse or pocket accidentally, or if they're having a seizure in the middle of the sidewalk. In either case, too many people these days just look the other way and think, "It's none of my business". If we held each other in higher regard, we would have a slower, more relaxed pace of life. The rush, rush, rush of "get out of MY way" would become a more peaceful and communal commute. The way we think about how we go about relating to others would change. We would no longer be trying to "take" the other guy for whatever we could get, but we would try to make sure we gave them the best service/product/smile/ handshake/whatever that we possibly could. The reciever of this service/product/smile/ handshake/whatever would also be grateful and hold our actions in higher regard. It's a beautiful system, in a perfect world. This world isn't perfect. Far from it. And we are only human. Oh so human.

Is it the emotional baggage that we hold on to that covers up and blocks this feeling of regard and respect for others from coming through? Are we made bitter by what happened to us in our childhoods and later years, or are we just born with "ME ME ME" in our hearts? Maybe it's a process of past lives... do we learn regard for others over time and many lives and experiences, or do we have it as a blissful innocence upon being created as a soul, and then bury it in bitterness living a score of lives dealing with those who do not have it only to gradually gain it again as a form of enlightenment before moving on to a different plane of existence?

However it works, I want more of it in my life. I give it freely and see what happens.

Whoa. This time of month leaves me disconnected with the world. I feel as though I could sleep another 9 hours... and perhaps I should, but I do have a lot to do. So far I'm not getting much of it done mind you, and I have to go back to work on Monday.

I'll try to focus for a few hours and see what I can accomplish. At least put the clean clothes away and pack up some of non essential items. Where do you start when you pack for storage and just bring a few essential things with you to your parents' house? Maybe I should go arrange storage... but I can do that tomorrow. I just need to make a plan of how to execute my plan of moving to my parents' house and putting everything in storage. I must pack.

Disconnected. Disjointed. Sleepy. The world's colours don't look the way they usually do. Things are darker and more sinister, though non-threatening.

Weird.

Ugh. The joys of body-regulated ovulation. I start bleeding... TODAY! Did I know this? Not really. Did I suspect this? Well actually, from the bloating and tiredness, yes I did... but I thought for sure I was wrong! It's only a few days earlier than last month and that was regluated up to a point. Once the astounding conversation of a month ago tomorrow took place, I really wasn't concerned with making sure I took birth control. I mean... what would I need it for?

A month ago today, I still had a lover... a month ago tomorrow I did not.

Not exactly what I want to think about when I'm begining to bleed. I'll go pack to music, instead.

The Friday Five

1. What is your favorite restaurant and why? The Boathouse. Yummy Seafood. Great Steaks. Wonderful Atmosphere (casual and intimate but fun) and almost always great service, too. Ahh. It's like home. I also love Samurai Sushi downtown because of their huge portions, cheap prices and quick service

2. What fast food restaurant are you partial to? I go pretty regularly to Burger King and have a Whopper Jr. with Cheese, no pickle, no onion and a medium coke. It's a nice lunch. If you consider food court restaurants "fast food" then my absolute favourite is Curry Express in Landsdowne Mall in Richmond. YUM. YUM. Butter Chicken. OMG. YUM.

3. What are your standards and rules for tipping? Tipping is evil when you consider that I worked at a full-serve gas station in the freezing cold and broiling heat and worked my BUTT off checking oil, transmission fluid, washing windows and filling gas tanks and very oh-so-extremely-rarely got a tip. The one guy who always tipped, had all of us swarm his car and give him even better service than we already gave (and we rocked). I don't know that taking a food order and delivering the food is all that hard a job and certainly not worthy of a tip on it's own. However, I usually succumb to social pressure and leave something. The first time I visit a nice restaurant that I want to frequent again, if I like the food a lot I will tip BIG (20%or more) as long as the service was satsifactory. This really does help people remember you if you plan to come back. After the first visit what makes me leave a GOOD tip (over 15%) is when they are pleasant and knowledgeable about the food and they can keep up with my rampant consumption of ice water. This is very hard to do. I love the stuff. Don't bug me too much, though or you'll ruin my good mood and then... BAM! 10% tip. If the service sux I leave something insulting (because I was insulted!) like 2%. Ain't I nasty?

4. Do you usually order an appetizer and/or dessert? Pretty much never unless it's at the boathouse or La Terazza (soon not to be) next door. Then I try to share both with someone.

5. What do you usually order to drink at a restaurant? Ice Water. I'm not cheap, I just love it the best. Occasionally I'll order coke or even more rarely a Bellini or a Long Island Iced Tea.

Whew! Much done and much more yet to do... and I'm not even selling a house like Ali is. Sorted out books today and sold a fraction of them. Donated a bunch of clothes to the Sally Ann and most of Champ's old cat supplies to Meow Aid. I'm much lighter and now I have some money for sushi with Tusker tonight. It's the final home game of the season and we're going together! Happiness is. All the ALI staff can point and be jealous that they're not in the cool section we are in.... but it'll be neat to see them all there, too.

The weight off my mind is huge and I can't thank my parents enough, but I'll still TRY to. I spoke with my financial advisor again today and gave him all sorts of details about my financial state. He's going to come up with a few different options in some reports to see what we can do to get me into my own home with 25% down by this time next year. Exciting, but not quite as quick as I'd hoped for. It will come. I just wish I could buy a house, but not in this part of the world without some kind of small miracle or 300,000. ;-)

I have to figure out what I can take to my parents' and what I need to store. I also need to figure out what the name of that storage place right by work is... so I can call them and arrange to rent some space. Then organize a truck, an elevator appointment, some helpful volunteer movers and an appointment with the property manager of this place once we have it all cleaned up. Maybe I should get George to organize that... I have way too much else to do!

Time for some packing love.

Bless my Mom and Dad.

Mom called me and asked about the apartment that I went to see this afternoon, and I told her the bad news. It was already rented and the ad was wrong, they actually couldn't take pets in that building. So okay... There are other options. None of which are cheap or desirable. My mom listened to me and said "Oh no, that's too much money, you could never save anything." and then she interrupted me and said, "I think the best thing would be for you to stay with us temporarily so you can save money and so you won't rush into anything." I nearly fainted. I know just how hard this decision must have been for them, because I wasn't an easy teenager for them to deal with. I wasn't into drugs or alcohol, but I was surly and I had no direction and I stayed out all night with boys. Tough for a mom (and Dad) to take. Now my life now won't be conflicting with what they think I should be doing. I want to save money to buy a place, they are giving me this chance! They are giving me access to the car to get from Langley to Richmond for work and they are giving me a rent-free place to live. I cannot believe how much I will save. Tons. I will use it for a down payment... get together way more than the minimum and kick that mortgage's ass.

I am truly blessed. I don't have enough words for what this means to me. I'll never forget another birthday again.

This is me. This is me recanting all the frustrated, negative, upset at my folx parent-directed writings of the previous week or so. When it comes right down to it, they rock.

I couldn't sleep this monring for fretting about something that I had misplaced. So I got up and did something about the missing something and now I'm back. I still can't sleep, but it's not because something is still missing. I found the missing something and now I won't have to replace it with a new something! Yay!

Finally, something went RIGHT! Today will be a good day no matter what else happens.

Sighing with happiness and crying with relief.

Yet another frustrating day. But I came to realize one thing. I could live in Richmond. I could BUY in Richmond. Right now. 2 bedrooms. 1 bedroom. NO WAY they can take my dog away from me. I can live there and pay myself money instead of throwing it away on rent, paint it any colour I want to and be close to work AND to horses... it's something to think about, that's for damn sure. I think I'll talk to Floyd about it on Thursday when I see him at 9AM. I may even beg my parents to help me with closing costs or downpayment or something... hard to say.

I have to think this through some more. This would cost the same as renting, I could still be saving towards my future home and my RRSPs... but meh. meh. meh.

Why do I have to make decisions??!?! The options addle my brain.

Why do I keep calling and asking apartments if I can have a dog there? The answer has always, in every case, been NO. Sometimes they're polite and say, "I'm sorry, no" and sometimes they're adament and superior and say "NO WAY!" with a laugh in their voices. Every time I hear "no" my heart breaks a bit more, even though I have a plan of action in case it does not work out. Why don't I just NOT tell them? Take her in anyway after I've moved in? Because I like to think of myself as an honest person, and I like to think that the world will give me a chance, just as I would give someone a chance. If I met the pet in it's current surroundings and found it to be well-behaved and the surroundings to be clean and neat... I would SO give that person an apartment. I guess there are just so many people looking for rental housing that it's just easier for them to wait for people without pets to come along and start a marijuana grow op or sell crack from the apartment. That's just so much nicer than a dog.

I can see how irresponsible dog owners have messed this up for everone else, but I think it's also the fault of the LAZY apartment mangers/owners who allow people with pets who let their dogs piss in the hallways and elevators and leave shit in the hallways to remain living on the premises. If the screening process was more involved and the landlords actually took the time to kick out the bad eggs, maybe everyone else would wake up and not follow the bad examples. "If everyone lets their dog shit in the hallway, what difference will it make if I do?" is almost as much the fault of the property manager as it is of the irresponsible owner who is that bad example. If that owner got kicked out (for damn good reason, I might add) then others would wake up and be responsible, or get their asses kicked out, too.

Had an emotional time at the parents' tonight. They complained about me not getting them birthday cards. It was kind of the emotional straw that broke the camel's back and it made me very upset. It was pure, unadulterated guilt. And they weren't sorry for making me feel bad about it. They said as much even after I explained that I love them, they love me. We both KNOW that. Isn't that better than getting cards that the giver feels OBLIGATED to give? They just couldn't see it my way.

So in order to smooth over the pathway to me possibly moving in with them for a month or so... I am going to my Mom's work today ON HER BIRTHDAY to bring her flowers and possibly something I've made (if I can do a good enough job of it). Best get started so I get there before lunch so she can brag to all her friends about me. Meh.

Play inside the box for the parents' benefit. How sad. Maybe through us living together I can lead by example and show them some outside the box thinking? Heh. I lived with them for 23 years... and that didn't show them! I don't think they'll ever be ready.

It's going to be okay. I'm going to find a home. I'm going to be happy. There's nothing any of those apartment-owning pet-hating individuals can do about it. I will do it on my own if I have to, though that could take longer... If I don't find a place by the end of the month.. Mom and Dad? Ready or not, here I come!

I'm going to be homeless come May 1st. I've had no luck so far... and it doesn't look promising. Meh. Balls. Shit. Hell. Ass. Fuck. Wandering around Marpole, asking people with dogs where they live.. (most own, one was in a co-op apartment) searching for Vacancy signs, calling the numbers and being rejected outright when I asked about the building's pet policy makes me feel like I am a lesser person. I have a steady job. I have amazing references. I have a dog. The last one of those three makes me a pariah. Leper! Outcast! Unclean! I cannot give up my dog. I cannot live in a dump. The one place I saw today where the manager is going to check about pets but is pretty sure it's "NO" isn't really someplace I'd want to live. It's on the lower floor, it's hot, it's tiny and it's smelly.

Hard to find anything to compare when I live in one of the nicest apartments in Vancouver (which seems to be rented already for next month as it is no longer on the listings page). I'm feeling completely tired, sick and overwhelmed once more. I hate feeling this way.

which 80s hair band are you?

this quiz was made by colleen

which children's storybook character are you?

this quiz was made by colleen






which "monty python and the holy grail" character are you?

this quiz was made by colleen

I'm tired. Much to do tomorrow "Drive to Marpole and beg for lodging" being number one on the list. After that, going to my parents to pick up my lovely dog who I get to have at home for a whole two weeks! The groomer doesn't need to see her next weekend, so I can have her home with me until her next grooming before the show. I guess Mom and Dad are going to have to come and pick her up, because I won't have access to the delicious Talon for much longer. As of the 1st of May, I'll be living on my own... of course if I can't find a place to live then Rainy and I will already be *at* my parents' house... so at least that will be easy. The commute from Langley to Richmond, however, will not be.

Living with my parents wouldn't be so bad.... yeah... right. I'd save some money, at least... hopefully they'd allow me to just pay them enough to cover food and electricity, and let me save as much as possible. I'd help out around the house, too, of course... but a couple months there might get me enough to get completely out of debt and have some small savings. After a couple of months, I'm sure I'd be going completely crazy and HAVE to leave. Mothers have a way of doing that to their daughters.

Just watched "Empire of the Sun" again. Great movie. I bought the DVD a long time ago and finally watched it. I watched the 'making of' special feature, too. Those are always interesting. Just wanted to kill some time until I knew I'd be able to sleep. It's funny.. even just that little amopunt of TV watching makes me feel almost.. dirty. Like I should have been doing something else. Productive. I probably should have been and I probably shouldn't buy any more movies on DVD... but we'll see about that one. There are some that I feel I *must* own. Why do I feel that way? Probably because of the way those particular movies made me feel. It's just like certain music for me. I can play some songs over and over again and they always induce the same feelings in me. I like reliving the good feelings but am I just dwelling on the past when I do that? Why not create new good feelings? Hmm..

The one movie I am obsessed with getting on DVD isn't available on DVD... "Joe Versus the Volcano". I love that movie. Brain Cloud! (hand swoops over skull). That cracks me up!

Home again.

Whistler Weekend could have been an ultimate blast, instead it was just pretty good fun. The reason for this is that on Friday night I started getting sore throat and by Saturday morning I was miserable. :-/ No snowboarding for this girl, though I did manage to drag myself along for a walk through the village and stop at a Pharmasave and get some Nyquil and Dayquil and Kleenex and throat drops... After a nyquil induced nap-of-oblivion on Saturday afternoon (on the loveseat in the great room with four people playing X-Box racing and laughing and cheering) I felt much better, though still sick, and was able to shower and go for dinner with 9 other people at a Tandoori restaurant. Mmmmmm.. Butter chicken. Naan. Rice. Mango Lassi. Yum. I have leftovers for tonight, too.

There was a great hot tub there, which I spent much time in trying to burn the illness out of myself, I was able to join in some games of Kings in the Corners, Pictionary and the ever-popular UNO. There was much work-gossip, but no "work talk", much laughing at "Flock of Seagulls" and other such Leah-isms, and some good food had by all.

George called me on my cell phone from Hawaii last night right just as we were getting ready to start Pictionary and I had to cut him a bit short, even though it sounded like he needed to talk a bit.. the "couple hours of work stuff" he had to do on his vacation ended up running WAY longer than it was "supposed to" (doesn't it always) and it involved a four hour timeframe in which to rebuild a server from scratch. He rocks and got it done, of course... but I think he was doubting that his vacation was ever going to get on track. It's only been three days, though... hope he calls back tonight and lets me know that things are going great again. He changed hotels and doesn't have the new number on him, so I can't call him. :-/

Back to the grind of apartment hunting. The 2 bedroom place is not going to be available this month, though Denash kept my number and I have his to call him and inquire near the end of the month (or next month.. whatever) We'll see. I need to investigate this "no money down" option and see if it can work for me. Damn, I hope so. Boy, do I doubt it! I'll keep hunting for pet-friendly rentals, too.