Meh.

Pager is still crazy... but I'm done for now... *fingers crossed*

Sometimes I want to be so mad at George for not believing in what we had... but he never lied to me about how he felt. He was never sure I was the one. He never told me he was going to love me forever or that he would want to marry me one day. He always said he didn't know. How can I be mad when I've come so far personally in the years that we were together? How can I be mad when I know that I will go further in life now on my own, just becuase I knew him and we shared time and thoughts and respect with each other? I am grateful for his honesty, but sometimes... I just want to be able to be legitimately angry and upset with him when my heart is breaking. It's so difficult to part under these circumstances... not having the huge blowup that is so characteristic of the end of so many relationships (almost all of mine :-/ ) It will take a long time for me to gain closure. Through no fault of her own I am going to HATE the person he dates next. I'm sorry, whoever you are. Forgive me, I'm just jealous that he thinks you're worth the effort and I'm not. :-/ *sob*

Ahhhhh.... pager shifts. It started at 8:15 this morning and has been rocking ever since. I think I'll try to go away from my computer for a bit on this lovely day... before I have to spend the night packing and taking more pager calls. Ah well. It'll pay for the move.

He's home. I picked him up at the airport around noon. He'd only had 4 hours sleep, he's brown and he brought me a lovely fresh flower lei. He also brought back with him some of the pain of us not being a couple anymore. At times I just want to take his chin in my hands, turn his head towards mine and give him a deep, soulful, lingering kiss. I want to stir up the same desire in him that lives in my heart and mind and body and make him respond to me. I want to touch and clutch and grab and moan... and I know I cannot.

I even had a dream last night where I attempted to do that... and in it he turned me down. That was only a dream, but I fear that the reality would be similar. Only because he appears to be stronger than I am at resisting the desires that we both have.

Oh my heart, oh my soul.

Why must he doubt? Why must I make myself feel unloveable because of it? Meh.

The description of the night and dress codes that piss me off:

We went to go for sushi and ended up running into Maho from work. We joined her and some others at the Yaletown Brewery (where there was a veritable cougar-fest going on) and we had some fun playing with the new service laptop and "testing the wireless connection" by surfing for movie times. We had fun there and then tried to hit Ginger 62 on Granville, but unfortunately weren't up to the "dress code". Dress codes piss me off. I don't think I want to be a part of a world with dress codes... though I geuss there can be benefits such as no naked greasy old men running around the office. The thing that pisses me off is that just because you wore sandals, you are automatically "rejected" as "not good enough". Maybe I'm reading too much into it... but I don't think so. It's a power thing. Lording something over someone else because they're different. Possibly I don't much like dress codes because I don't often dress to what one would require. My personal dress code is one of function over fashion. Comfort over style. I don't plan to change it for anyone.

Clubbing really isn't my thing, anyway. I don't often drink, I don't smoke and I enjoy actually being able to carry on a conversation that isn't composed of yelling. Once in a while going to a place with fun house music or some sweet drum'n'bass can lift my spirits and allow me to really let loose. That's fun. I don't often really need to let *that* loose, though. I'm a fairly relaxed and balanced kind of girl.. despite what my blog archives may show! Consider that I do not need alcohol to let loose and say or do just about anything. I don't require drugs to remove my inhibitions. The inhibitions I have are pretty much at the level of people who have had 2 or 3 stiff drinks for the most part, yet I retain the judgement that allows me to not go overboard and the ability to legally operate a motor vehicle. ;-)

The many bonuses to this approach.

1. It's really cheap to have fun.
2. No hangover.
3. I stay well hydrated (drink lots of water)
4. I remember the entire night.
5. Most people assume I'm drunk when I say something outrageous so I get away with it anyway.
6. No empty calories from alcohol.
and many, many more!

I don't undestand some people's NEED to go out with the express purpose of "getting shitfaced" every Friday and Saturday night. It's not that I disapprove of alcohol, it's that I just don't see the real need for it. If I can be uninhibited without it, anyone can. They just have to LET themselves. I don't pretend to understand the reasons that people love to drink so much. I don't even vaguely understand the "badge of honour" that there seems to be in telling a story about how totally shitfaced you got and then puked all over your neighbours dog. I mean.. how wonderful?! Why? Can anyone tell me what the fascination with the overconsumption of alcohol is? Why is it so "cool". I just don't see it.

I'm tired and the rants just keep coming. Probably in no semblance of order.

Sleep now.

Whew!

Worked an hour late to troubleshoot (and help solve - YAY!) a strange problem. Somehow the administrator password on the server at a customer site was changed or corrupted ?! Nothing could launch from anywhere, because it all uses that account! Very strange. But fixed for now.... almost 2 hours after the initial call, though it could have gone much longer.

Drove to Tisol to get some boxes for moving that they had kindly flattened and saved for me. My ex-co-workers rock.

Drove to MEC to buy camping gear to maintain my sanity this summer! Living with my parents will mean that we'll both need a little space to maintain our relationships. I figure weekend backpacking outings on my part are the perfect way to get it. I got a gorgeous tent (in gold) an incredible backpack (in green - wanted blue but they were all out) and miscellaneous other sundry items to make camping safer and more enjoyable. I have a few more things to get, most importantly boots.. but I want Merrell, so I have to look elsewhere than MEC.

Is this the consumer blog-link-fest from hell? Why, yes it is!

I'm a happy camper. Heh. Heheheh.

George's plane had trouble with the pilot's seat, so they're getting a part flown in to Hawaii from Vancouver... so he's not going to be home until tomorrow morning sometime. He'll let me know. I think he's happy to be coming home to Vancouver. I was dreading his coming back, somewhat... because I've grown used to being on my own here and the time away has really helped me put things in perspective emotionally. I wondered if the pain would all come flooding back again. It might. There is a distinct likelihood that it will. But the great thing is. The wonderful thing is... I will survive it. I'm stronger than I've ever been. I have purpose. I have desire. I have me.

On a strange and unrelated side note: "Hi Dave! Hope you and Mike enjoy the new apartment when you move in." =)

I was playing with my camera tonight and here is the result:

Big version
Little version. (for the bandwidth impaired)

Cool.

Here’s the Wanton Wednesday question for today:

What hurts you good?

Right now my "hurts so good" feeling is emotional. George and I splitting up hurts like crazy. But I know, deep down, when I really dig for it through the tears of weakness and loss that sometimes attack me, that this is the *oh-so-very-right* decision. When I make the emotional tide turn from deep self-doubt and fear to a feeling of growth and strength and self-reliance. That hurts SO good.

That drive to Richmond from Langley is going to be a killer. Mom gave me a suggestion for a route, but I think my way will be faster and easier to drive. Her way was fun and twisty... but not something I want to do when I'm half asleep at 5:30 in the morning. ;-) At any rate... I have more boxes and now it's time for bed.

~Heather

I've read my daily blogs, but I have no time to post anything in mine. Review day for me tomorrow. I didn't think of the cookies and beer aspect... that might really have helped! Ah well.. too late now. I hear the raises aren't anything to sing about, anyway... I'd like one! Over here! Pick me! I hope for a raise, but don't expect much. Ah well.. nobody with any clout at work reads this, anyway. ;-)

Off to deliver things to the parental units' house.

So much to do... but first thing's first. Sleep.

What will hurt the most is when he finds someone new.

Thinking about it makes me realize how NOT fine with this I am. Yet. I feel fine for the most part. I don't cry like a little baby at the thought of him not being with *me* anymore, though if I'm feeling wimpy to begin with it can get to me... Get me thinking along the lines of him finding a new lover and my soul breaks into a thousand tiny razor-sharp shards that tear up my insides where my heart used to be and make me let out a pathetic psychic wimper and a few slow, painful tears. I guess I'll know I'm over him when that thought doesn't hurt anymore.

This will take a while, but I'll make it one day.

Vagina Monologues made me laugh and it made me cry. I was moved beyond words and into tears by the performance. I've never been so moved by a live play performance. . I love my vagina. I love the Tripple Orgasm Surprise Moan. Well done MacKenzie Phillips! Lisa Tharps rocked, Geneva Carr was outstanding and all three performances were excellent.