This should have been posted on the 17th... but blogger would not co-operate until NOW. Grr.

Yard sale yesterday. After the amalgamation of two households by moving all my stuff out of storage, we had a lot of extra CRAP! Very tiring after being up until about 3AM with the play on Saturday and then the after-play get together at the director's house. Great bunch of people... talented AND fun. I'll miss them with the move to Vancouver. :-/

On Saturday afternoon just before I had to leave to get to the play setup, the social worker called me. My birth-mom had called her wondering how to get in touch with me, becuase she had called - she called last Monday and left a message with her mom's number on it. She has no phone. I dropped the ball somewhat and didn't call her back. I wrote, eventually, on Thursday night and mailed the letter on Friday. My excuse was that I didn't want to talk to my birth Grandmother first, I wanted to talk to HER first. Just an excuse. Since I had to leave the house in about 15 minutes, I asked if we could schedule something for Monday... I would be free, any time. We've arranged for me to call her at 1:00PM, at her mom's, today.

So many emotions have been running through me. Last night I FULLY realized what is going to happen to me today. Today, I am going to speak with my birth mother. I am actually going to hear HER voice on the phone and get to know how she expresses herself, whether she likes me or not... though I'll always have doubts on that front, I'm sure. I never really believe *anyone actually likes me. Not completely, anyway. I'm pretty sure this stems from being adopted. I have no idea what else will come of this conversation... we'll learn tons about each other, I'm sure.

Been figuring out what to do about the logistics of moving. Getting stuff out of storage before the 13th so as not to have to pay for another month, figuring out packing and when/how to move things from my brother's place to M.'s place, figuring out how to get cheap/free paint to paint my bedroom there before I leave.... all before the end of the month, while fitting in several rehersals and performances of "Eat Your Heart Out" with the Emerald Pig Theatrical Society as well as attending seminars and pottery classes.

Whew!

Not to mention finding work.

I have also finally heard from Family Services about my b-mom. I now know that this summer I was probably right accross the street from where she lives during my travels to the Kootenays.

Amazing.

I don't know if I'm pushing the impact of this news down or if the biggest impact (aside from actual contact with her) hit when I was informed that they'd found her, and that I have a full sister and a half sister...

So much to think about there, but I'm trying hard not to OVER think it - I don't want to stick any huge expectations on the meeting or on who she is, who they are, how I'll fit in, if I'll fit in... but I really can't help doing it. At least I realize that all they are is 'expectations' and they are no indication of what the reality will be.

Busy weeks ahead even without a job, though money will become an issue fairly soon. *sigh* Why can't I just be paid millions just to be the wonderful human being that I am? *cough*

How different has life turned out to be than I thought it would last March? I was ready to buy my own place/give up everything and travel/be on my own forever and ever amen.... and none of that has happened. I'm still changing and growing... I still miss George at times - mainly because his new woman has taken him away from me and made him see it as "weird" that we would still be friends. He made the choice to tell me how weird he now thinks it is, though... ah well. I vow to not initiate contact this time... but to wait and see what happens. He'll always have a friend here should he need one but the energy I've been putting into maintaining our friendship is costing me too much... up to him, now.

Instead of remaining single and becoming an old maid, I met M. He changed my mind about the being single thing by being so much like me. We share opinions, beliefs, hobbies, dreams..... so much.... and we're both at the same place in life. Not to mention that I think he's gorgeous. ;-) Big blue eyes, dark hair with big, loose curls, thick dark mysterious eyebrows, oh-so-kissable lips.... I could go on but I'm sure I already have at some time in this blog and I'd just be repeating myself. ;-)

Being engaged still doesn't seem real to me... I don't think it will seem real until we go and pick up our mural... is it just pre-engagement jitters? Is it the fact that life, once again, is upside down? The difference this time is that I know and can see the direction that I am headed. I know what I have accomplished by 2010. It's not just fluff any more.... though I still sit in inaction and don't go for it hardcore as I would like to be. Fear. Wimpy-ass fear. I can and will overcome it. I can and will accomplish something towards my future goals TODAY.

Better get on that. ;-)

Not feeling very motivated to find a new job this past week. Still not motivated to go out THIS week, either. Too much else going on. :-/

I'll be moving at the end of this month. Since M. and I will be engaged, my criteria for moving in together is satisfied and I will be moving back to Vancouver to share space with him and wonderful upstairs neighbours/landlords, too. I will miss this place, however. The yard rocks for Rainy, the house is cozy and sweet. The kitchen is large and functional... but I *will* have all my own kitchen supplies again, that'll make things better than they are there, now. ;-) We will also be able to paint and make it fun, funky and cozy the way I've made my room, here. Have to ask my roomies if they want me to paint that room back to beige (blah) before I go, or leave it as is. We shall see.

Things to do this coming month:

Find a job. Meh.
Do lighting for play. Whee!
Move things out of storage and into Vancouver.
Move me to Vancouver.
More pottery.
Make Soap. (I got a soap making kit for Christmas - belatedly yesterday...) and I just bought a great book from Value Village on soap making from scratch. Looks awesome and I plan to make lots. Expect soap, knitting (possibly) and pottery as Christmas gifts this year, folks. That's all you're getting!

Had a good visit with Mom learning and practicing the knit stitch for knitting... purl? perl? pearl? comes next... ;-) I'm slow and I add and drop stitches occasionally, but practice makes perfect. I have my Grandma's knitting needles and her knitting bag. It's very pretty, wicker-ish thing with bright coloured flowers all over one side. Very 60's my Mom says... Dunno, I wasn't around for those.

After the Mom and Dad visit, I went over to my honourary aunt and uncle's place. They're more like great friends of mine than friends of my Mom and Dad's... we talked about life, my Mom, my Dad, my wonderful M and a whole host of other things. We ate freshly baked scones and had tasty soup and when I wondered why I was yawning so much and checked my watch discovered that it was 10 minutes to midnight and I'd been there since around 4:15!! Time flies when you spend it with wonderful people.

Hum. How much more haircut can I be? I'll stop now and post again when I'm more inspired.

Much has happened since last post.

I have completed the Landmark Education Advanced Course. Mind blowing... that's all I can say. That work is really helping me to focus on what is important to me in life. Happiness. Fulfillment. Community. I learned a new way to look at the future. I learned a new way to listen to people. I learned about who I have been being in my life. I learned that I'm not the follower that I always thought I was. I am a leader. Wow. Floored me, too... Just to name a few.

On Tuesday morning, M. and I went to visit Bob Kingsmill - a creative and talented potter whose work we both (especially me) fell in love with when we visited Granville Island a few weeks ago. We went to commission a clay mural as an engagement gift (instead of the evil diamond ring) - we asked him for one of his celtic knotwork arch ones - with horses involved and trees and water... it will be beautiful. He is not only wonderfully talented and creative, but he's a fantastic guy, too. I told him that I am becoming a potter, he asked me what I was working on - I told him I am "cylinder girl". He approved, saying there is so much to be learned from throwing cylinders. I agree. So far I've learned tons. He was jovial and relaxed and the whole experience was magical. Had we come a week earlier, we probably could have watched the piece bieng made! I'll go down and watch him build a different mural when he comes back next month.

I'm going to be doing the lighting for a local theatre company's production of Nick Hall's "Eat Your Heart Out" a romantic comedy being put on as dessert theatre by the Emerald Pig Theatrical Society for Valentine's Day. Sunday I'll attend my first rehersal of it and next week will bring the technical setup and rehersal learning how to operate the light board! I love volunteer work... you get to learn such cool things!

The Birth Mom thing is halted as I wait to hear back from Nila at Family Services... I hadn't heard anyting further so I called today to check on it. She'll call b-mom and find out where it stands... and let me know tomorrow. Hope all is still well. Hoping for the best. Prepared for the worst.

The job hunt has taken a new twist. Searching for an established functional-ware potter who is looking for an indentured slave. The way I see it is this: I really want to learn this stuff, to do it and be it from the depths of my soul. Clay is magical and I need to learn the skills to weave and work the magic. Being a waitress and potting on the side isn't going to do that. If you know of anyone... or anyone who might know of anyone in the Lower Mainland, BC... let me know. =) I only require enough income to pay rent, buy food and pottery supplies and occasionally visit my friends... and I will work long, long hours for it. Thursday next week my search at Granville Island will begin. March 6 (strangely enough my Birthday) I will be able to join the Richmond Potter's Club... inexpensive, studio use included, and pay per piece for firing. PLUS being exposed to a number of different potters, workshops, volunteer opportunites (kiln loading, glaze mixing etc) where I can learn tons, and get involved in the pottery community.

Life. Is. Good.

More later... new website to work on!

Yesterday. It was the last visit to work before becoming a pass-card-less person who needs to be 'escorted' around. There was cake. There was hugging. There were goodbyes. Felt great.

Yesterday. It was the visit to my parents' house last night so they could learn that I have dreads and learn that I have given notice at McKesson... and so Mom could tell me how dreads are horrible and I'm a failure and she's a failure because I am, and how nobody will hire anyone with dreads (she tells me they're called dreads because they're so dreadful looking) and she's so embarrassed by me that she doesn't want to be seen with me at the family memorial tea for Grandma next month, and how I've done nothing but hurt her my whole life, and how searching for my birth mother just means that she is even more of a failure with me and that my parents aren't good enough, how I'm going to end up living in a dumpster down by the old Woodwards building, and if I ever get my nose or eyebrow pierced she will never speak to me again because I'm just doing it to get attention and it makes her sick, and how she's going to always tell me just how unhappy she is with the things I do that are wrong... just to list a few...

I took all of this in, listening to her, not putting the blame on her or on me for the way she feels - denying that she's a failure, denying that I am a failure, telling her how much I love and appreciate her, how I always will. Telling her how I am happy with who I am. Happy with the world. Happy with life. It was tearful, intense and draining emotionally.

*I* know I'm a success. I know I turned out just great.

I wonder at my mother's insistance that everything is wrong all the time and how "what might happen" is something to be worried about and afraid of... how can she live like that? I have an idea of why... Probably because she just can't see any other way to be... it's too frightening to think about. Even though she is living in hell, it is a familiar hell... I've been there... it's hard to let go of the familiar, no matter how much we're suffering. It's hard to take a step towards breaking the ties that bind us to the familiar... it's so hard to let go of the reasons we use to justify staying where we are, hating life and blaming ourelves and others for our unhappiness.

I choose to be happy, now. I choose a happy life! There is no reason not to except those we make up for ourselves.

Wednesday night's pottery class went better than I remember! Perhaps it's my new dedication to getting down to perfecting the basics and my dream of really making it as a potter that has fueled this amazing improvement. I'm excited. More cylinders!

Thursday was start the dreads day! I now have nappy, temporarily waxy, dreads. It took 5 hours and a lot of Knotty Boy dread wax. I'll tell you one thing, it absolutely hurt more than getting my tattoo did. The sectioning and backcombing took the longest and was a bit sensitive, but when it came time to pull and twist the wax into the new dreads from the ROOTS to the TIPS - my sensitive scalp was screaming. It's still tender. So for now, they're waxy and soft... but I'll continue my maintenance of rubbing and twisting them whenever I get the chance, and in a few months or so, I'll have nappy-happy dreadlocks!

If anyone wants pics, I haven't taken any yet - but I could be inspired by email/irc/icq/posting in my guestbook... ;-)

So the news that floored me yesterday afternoon at around 4:20PM... My birth mother would love to meet me - and so would her whole family - they all know about my existence! I have a full sister who is 29, a half sister who is 21, 2 nieces 10 and 8 years old and a nephew 1 1/2 years old!! There is still some legal paperwork to go through on BMom's end before we can have contact, and I'm absolutely, completely, totally stunned.

I still haven't taken it all in - but I remember every detail of the conversation I had with the wonderful Nila in Family Services. I'm going to take this slowly and try to savour every detail... I don't want to rush anything and I want everyone involved to know that. And yet the other part of me is wild with wanting to up and drive to wherever they are and meet them all. The slow side wins, for now. ;-)

It's my last day of work here... and I don't know what is to come... I have my first pottery class tonight, dreads tomorrow and then the dentist on Friday.... (just to return to the mundane). ;-) I'll be dropping by work here on Monday - show off the dreads, drop off the corporate credit card... all that stuff. Wow. Bit of a let down... now that it's almost 4:00PM... Ross the boss told me a few days ago he'd get a cake today and it didn't materialize... he did come over and apologize - he says he feels bad about it - he asked me if we could do it Monday when I come in. Sure thing. I'll have my dreads, then... freak everyone out!

What a crazy, crazy life. Time to design (get help designing? *wink* *tickle*) a new web page and host it on epona.com again... Create! Create! Create!

Life is upside down and sideways and I'm loving it. The official word went out today at work - I'm leaving - won't they all miss me?! Wednesday this week will be my last day of work, that night I have my first pottery class, Thursday I have an appointment to start some knotty dreadlocks in my hair... and life goes on! I'll be back in the office for a short time on Monday - to sign some paperwork, show off my knotty new look and then mosey over to storage to see what can be sorted for donation/home/M's place. Then... I'll think about getting a job someplace. =) Home depot? Restaurants? I'll find something!

The letter I sent out to people here at work:


Hi everyone,

It is with only a slightly heavy heart that I write this. As you know, I am moving on to explore the possibility of a life outside the box. Though I never felt completely suited to the work here, I definitely enjoyed working alongside all of you and it is this aspect of leaving that tempers my joy with sadness. As cheesy as it sounds, I learned a lot during my time here - about life, about people and about myself - and I'm grateful for it. Thank you all for being part of that, I'm going take it with me as I enjoy this next adventure.

I don't have any definite plans, yet, but I do know that the future holds much more music, art and creativity and no more pager shifts. ;-)

Thanks again,

May whichever deity or belief you hold to be true give you strength and comfort.

//Heather




I was contacted the other day by Family Services... these are the people who have been searching for my birth mother for me. When I called them back, I found out that they think they've found her. I spoke with a wonderful lady named Nila who is going to be initiating the contact with her. The way it works is, they send her a letter asking her to call them - telling her only that they wish to speak with her about a person born in 1972. It is up to her whether or not she is okay with making contact with me. In the worst case, she will say "no" and I will then be able to go on from that point. Hopefully she will not say no... but if she does I am ready to deal with that possibility - I'm also ready to deal with the possibility of meeting the woman who gave me life so long ago ~ and being able to thank her for giving me life. What a life!! So many possibilities. So much to do! Fantastic!

So.... I actually did it yesterday. I told my Group Lead that I wanted to leave. I think he was really very relieved - because he didn't want to have to fire someone he likes and respects. He just feels that I'm not suited to this job. I'm cool with that. The level of stress around here has suddenly vanished for me... but so has any kind of motivation to actually WORK. ;-) I keep joking... "What are they going to do? Fire me?!" *giggle*

Anyway.. it's a slightly scary proposition, leaving one's job without having another one to go to... but in this case, I don't have any minimum expectations for a job... what I want is part time, flexible hours that'll let me bring home enough money to pay the rent, put a few hundred on the debt and eat. I'm working on reducing all extraneous expenses (hence getting rid of the cell phone) and I'm trying to live more simply.

I attended my first meeting of the Emerald Pig Theatrical Society last night - what a great bunch of people! After the brief meeting, we all did Improv for about an hour! SO MUCH FUN! I think I'm really going to enjoy working with them all... now to find a pottery studio I can work at/learn at in Maple Ridge and all will be well!

Something sad in all this wonderfulness - my Grandmother isn't long for this world. She's a strong lady... she's 93 and she's fought Cancer for a long time. My mother, I'm so proud of her, seems to have finally come to grips with the fact that her mother is going to be gone - she wants her to go and rest, in fact, and she's dealing so well with it all. I don't feel very close to my Grandma, but I do have an enormous amount of respect and love for her. I will be glad when she no longer has to suffer, and I will always have the memory of her spark and spirit and determination. I love you Mom. I love you Grandma. God Speed and go and enjoy your rest.

Just so's y'all know... I have cancelled my cell phone. I am free of the $$ per month! I am free of communications in between destinations! There are pay phones everywhere if I need them and I don't have to remember to charge them up. =) Plus... pretty much everyone else has a cell phone if I'm in dire need. ;-)

If you need my number and you don't have it, email me, icq me, contact me somehow and I'll give you the latest info.

Still haven't managed to actually put notice in at work - it's almost like I'm waiting for them to do it for me. I also don't want to lose my dental benefits just as I'm getting a night guard made. The dentist won't bill me for it until it's delivered on the 17th. Ah well. Whatever will be, will be. Que cera cera. C'est la vie.

I'll keep you all posted on the details. Honest.

So the plan... the plan. The Plan.

Part I:

Quit my current job. Get a job in Maple Ridge 4 days/week.
Pottery. Breadmaking. Candles. Soap. (my kitchen will be busy!)

Part II:

Sell my car. Buy another bike and a bike trailer. Do it all by bike!
Pottery. Breadmaking. Sewing. Knitting. Candles. Soap. (my kitchen and other places will be even more busy!)

Part III:
Craft fairs? Probably have enough stuff for it by mid-summer!

At any rate... there it is... I'll ride my bike to visit M and take Rainy in the trailer! Damn will I be fit or WHAT?! ;-) Raowr. Fit and happy.

Being on pager is not what I wanted to be doing this weekend. Being on pager interrupts all the activities I wanted to be doing. Shopping. Interrupted. Sleeping. Interrupted. Playing with the dog at the park. Interrupted. Time with M. Interrupted. Creating miraculous, oven-baked masterpieces of flour, yeast, egg and water. Interrupted.

I am Girl, Interrupted.

I'm ready, oh so ready, to quit my current job. Ready to live the bohemian lifestyle of a potter, an artist, a lover, a mother. What will the children of this bohemian mother be like? Who will they declare themselves to be? I refuse to work 5 days a week anymore. I refuse to work my job on my time off anymore. I was meant to live a life of grace, feel the rhythms of the seasons, of the weeks, the days, the hours. Peace. Passion. Tranquility. Toil. Lovely.

This past year has felt like leaping from merely dwelling in my life to really living it, bursting free from the confines of the box. From lying cold, still and dead to throbbing with warmth and creativity, completely pulsing with life! I am amazed by it all. The year began well, and even through the toughest times, I felt stronger than I ever have before in similar situations... despite what some of my entries said during those times, the strength just kept growing.

I still have moments of fear... hours of doubt and sadness creep in and fight to stay. Eventually, I repel them and they never manage to hold me for long. Weeks of sadness have been replaced by hours of melancholy... I find that those moments of doubt and fear and sadness usually come to test me, and my resolve after them is strengthened, so that the thing that caused the doubt, fear or sadness no longer has the power to do so, afterwards. I know that when I feel downtrodden, it is just a harbinger of strength to come.

Happy. Happy. Joy. Joy. Fire. Passion. Glory. Life!

Coming this January... Dreadlocks!! Check out Knotty Boy. They're going to make M and I's knotty dreams come true. =)

Oh how I hate early shifts. Filled with loathing. Full. To the brim. Ugh. Can I go home, now?

Things feel a *bit* better at work these days... though still stressful and still not fulfilling. I've finally relaxed a bit and am trying to fill the undefinable 'quota' of work for each day. We'll see how that goes... meanwhile, I plan to sign up to take the practical prerequisite for massage therapy at the West Coast College of Massage Therapy. At least that way I'll see if I have a)aptitude and b)continuing interest in persuing this as a career.

In other news... M. and I are looking for art/diamonds as an engagement present... we're pretty darn sure we want to spend the rest of our lives together - and we're working on figuring out what gift to buy for the occasion. We're learning more about each other every day... and so far we are so compatible... I think that I annoy him, sometimes - in fact I know I do.. but it's partly the way he takes things that I say to him. We'll work it out. I still think we're perfect for each other and so does he.

I've been having an internal dilemma over the diamonds/art thing. I've battled between the ideas... the 'traditional' part of me vs the real me. ;-) The real me has doubts about diamonds. Diamonds are only valuable because they are marketed in a controlled manner. To me this means there is ahuge risk, one day, of diamonds no longer being worth so much money. After all, there are enough diamonds in the world for every man, woman and child on the planet to own a number of them... it's just that some 'governing body' in Antwerp, or wherever, has a monopoly on sorting and grading and releasing them. It's a ridiculous situation if you ask me. A diamond may be "one of a kind" but nearly everyone who gets engaged gets a diamond. Commissioning a piece of artwork seems to me to be the best solution.

I think I'll ask an artist friend of mine if she'll do a comission... now the only thing M. and I have to decide on is the subject matter.

The Weekend was spent at my house, cooking, baking, and me on pager. Fun. Trying to bake my very first Genoise sponge cake from scratch while answering pager phone calls and calling people back is quite an adventure, I can tell you. The cake turned out to be quite tasty, though a bit more dense than I would like. I'll have to practice a bit more over the next while... I'm sure my roommates won't mind TOO much... as long as they don't get too fat on my efforts.

My roommates have started to call me "Martha". :-/

I've been feeling really defeated today. It has basically been decided that I am "not cut out for" my job. It's not a good "job fit" for me. They've given me a couple of "chances" to keep my issues list down and I didn't succeed in doing so. They "gave me the chance" when I didn't have a clear idea of what was expected of me yet they are judging me based on my "failure" at that time - and that is what's stuck in my gourd right now. Sure, the job fit *isn't* right.. I know that, yet they also haven't given me any clear options at this time. How am I supposed to feel any kind of motivation to 'perform' at my job when I still don't have a clear idea of the expectations they have - AND I know that they've alredy decided my fate? Nothing I do now will change it, and it ain't worth the stress.

Being under the gun and having your every move monitored at work makes for a hellish existence. The Company doesn't have a leg to stand on as far as firing me based on my performance - plus they have to give me something like 3 written warning - I've recieved one so far. But the main problem is that they haven't been able to define what is expected of me - they say it's "too difficult" to come up with a definition of what is acceptable performance for our job. Yet, somehow they say I'm below this "non-existent" expectiation... Bullshit. They just don't have the expertise in-house to be able to devlop a clear job description and list of expectations and they won't admit it or do anything to make it better. They don't even consider it a problem.

FED UP! Most of us in Service are... a ticking time bomb...

On a similar note, I find that the corporate world as I know it does not reward those who wish to become spiritually and emotionally and creatively complete. Those of us who have creative and productive lives outside of our work are considered inferior to those that dedicate themselves solely to 'the company'. At least that's how it appears to be in the corporate world that I live in. The people that believe in this pro-corporate view of the world actually look down on the people who don't subscribe to it. "You'll never get ahead" "You'll never make good money" as though those should be the ultimate goals of every member of the human race. *sigh*

How twisted it appears to me - someone on the other side of the coin for whom this job is merely a way to make money to fund my passions. Right now, however, this job is dominating my entire life leaving no time for my passions. 1.5 hours to get to work each day. 1.5 hours to get home each day. 8.5 hours AT work each day. This job eats my soul. At some point, at some time, things have got to change. Whether I get to the breaking point and cannot continue due to stress-related health concerns or they let me go because my performance deteriorates beyond any useful (yet undefineable) level, has yet to be seen.

What a negative post after so long an absence... but honestly, with all the stress over this 'work thing' for the past month, I haven't had any time that I wanted to spend on the computer after work and no time to do it during work. It just reminded me too much of the horrible state of my life... take that with a grain of salt - because the ONLY thing horrible in my life right now is work - but because it is dominating my life, it wipes out most of the joy have in the rest of my life. It is wonderful, if I could just enjoy it.

I love you, M.

So much.

You keep me sane and remind me of the promise of what life can be. Together. Thank The Powers That Be for YOU.

Gotta love that I can POST to my own blog but not READ my own blog from work. Gah. Hail the New Corporate Leaders!

My heart is about to burst with this news - and there's no one around here to TELL!

This may seem insignificant to everyone else but me - but today the Minister of Finance cashed the cheque I wrote them back in August. The cheque was payment for an active search by the Adoption Reunion Registry for my birth mother. This means that the search has begun.

My heart is racing with nerves and excitement. I wonder what the outcome will be...

Hmmm. Working on a holiday sucks... . Though it gives me money for things I couldn't otherwise do, like go see Cirque Eos last Friday with M. It was wonderful. M. really enjoyed himself, as did I. Way cheaper than Cirque du Soleil, a bit more intimate, and no less impressive and magical! They're moving the show to San Diego... so anyone in that area should check them out. Very cool.

Saturday we went to Watermania in Richmond with M.'s 9 year old neice. She's a cool kid - man she wore us (and herself eventually) out. Headed back to my place after dropping her off at her Dad's, and blessedly no roommates were present - always a nice bonus - then we stayed up late watching Happenstance - a French film wiht Audrey Tatou (actress who played Amelie). Not as magical as Amelie, but cool nontheless.

Sunday did a non-traditional Thanksgiving dinner at my parents. Scallops with mushrooms and shallots in white wine sauce over basmati rice, asparagus, fresh carrots, potato rolls and spring greens salad with balsemic vinegar dressing. Tres Yum. Except... I didn't cook the (pre frozen) scallops quite enough... and we all had urgent bathroom business after that... LOL. At least that is all that happened!

Then back to work today... meh. At least I get a real Turkey dinner tonight! Going to M.'s mom's place. Yum. Looking forward to it!

That's my haircut blog for the weekend. Enjoy.

The sun is peeking through the clouds in my soul today. Feels better. Where the heck did that storm come from, anyway? Have to start watching the Internal Weather Channel or something....

I've been trying to make myself invisible this morning. So far it's not working all that well. Working through emotional growth. Avoiding emotional growth. Wishing I could just curl up on the couch in front of a fireplace with some nice quiet music... for about a month. With nobody else home. Some days you wonder about everything you thought you were certain of. This is one of those days.

ADSL might be working better, now. We'll see if this keeps up.

I finally called Telus support tonight after not being able to resolve any websites or domains... and it seems PCAnywhere was screwing up some of my IP settings - not allowing it to renew. It's faster now than it's ever been, here, and I'm SO HAPPY. And SO TIRED.

G'nite all.


Where is everyone on IRC these days? Somebody tell me? QGirlZ? Post it? Tell me? Something... ?

Internet has been out again for the past few days... it was partially there this morning, but I only have 5 minutes in the morning to do anything. Meh. So... no updates for a while until Telus sorts out their sorry-ass lack of service.

I miss IRC. Where is everyone these days?

Understanding computers is one thing... understanding humans is another altogether. I think I'd rather spend my time learning how to understand humans than computers. Methinks I'm in the wrong line of work.

Sometimes I envy the unemployed. Like today.

Argh. I want to get paid to do what I WANT to do.

Now all I have to do is figure out what that is.

Wedding was beautiful. The day turned out sunny and bright amidst two cloudy, blustery, rainy days - though it was certainly cold! Vegas was alright, too. I don't feel much like updating since my net connect at home has been nonexistent until mid-yesterday and my first day back at work started out with me being 3.5 hours early for my 9:30 shift (Earl. You bastard.) with the IP address changed on my machine and on all others that I access, as well as my chair missing. I need another vacation... this time not in Vegas, mkay? I had fun hanging out with all who were there - and the splitting into groups of four and five made things easier at times. I wish we'd made it to the Secret Garden of Siefried and Roy (doesn't THAT sound dirty!?) maybe if I ever get out to Vegas again one day - I'll find my way to the Secret Garden.... (tee hee! dirty!).

For now... lunch is over and it's time to get back to work.

Heard an interesting protest bumper sticker from Berkeley California the other day...


"There's a terrorist behind every Bush."


Controversial? Oh yeah.

Busy days... working hard to clear things up at work so I can enjoy my vacation... getting everything ready to leave Vancouver for Edmonton and then Las Vegas... finding the perfect wedding present wrapping - which will no doubt get crushed on the plane! I need a bigger suitcase! Off to work, now.. Ali will be with Kim and Ed tomorrow! Christy and I arrive Wednesday! Whee!

Singing... "I don't wanna work.. I just want to cut glass and bake all day.... "

September 11th, 2002. One year later. I have been quiet in my reflection. The media coverage of memorials and replays of images from last September 11th are everywhere. I do not need them. I do not watch them. I won't ever forget.

Peace Be. Please.

I remembered a time from my early teenage years - trying out for the basketball team at my new Junior High School. I worked my butt off at that tryout - hoping to make the team and play sports - but when the list of players who made the first cuts came out, my name wasn't on it. I was devastated. I was upset. I was too wimpy to go and challenge it. There was another Heather who tried out the same day. She wasn't as athletic as I was, she couldn't even hit the basket with the ball and yet her name was on the list. I was heartbroken. I still thought that teachers and all others in authority were infallible and all-knowing.

I wonder how different my life would be now if I had stood up for myself then and asked "Why didn't I make the team?"

My heart is with Kim as she battles the evil Snooty Lady Clan at the Worst Bridal Shop in Calgary. I'm so glad that she and Ali are so close and that Ali was able to be with her for the past week. I don't have a 'best friend' like that - I don't think I'm the 'best friend' type... but I know a beautiful thing when I see it and it makes me happy. The wedding is soon, and it will be wonderful and fantastic and fun and then it will (seemingly of key importantance at this point) be OVER WITH! Then Vegas and delightful hedonistic debauchery, which I'm looking forward to!

Hiking was great fun on the weekend, despite the rain. Ahhhhhhh... the Great Outdoors.

Word of the day: Exquisite.

Oh yeah... www.epona.com is no more... in case you'd ever gone there and wondered what the heck was up. They finally caught on to me. We deleted everything after we downloaded it all. All clear.

I'll find some other hosting, someplace... for pictures and the like.

It's tough to rationalize feelings. Dwelling on them doesn't help. Musing and fretting and worrying about them only allows them to take over. Feelings aren't rational, at all. The only thing that I find helps me to work through them without blowing them all out of proportion is to write about them. Morning Pages especially help me - but blogging can help almost as much.

What I'm feeling today is incompetent at my job. I'm not. I KNOW I'm not... but when it gets busy - I just don't feel as confident in my abilities as I should.

I have other feelings in the mix today, too. I'm wearing my favourite pair of pants. They are nearly too small for me. In fact they ARE too small for me. I don't like how that makes me feel. I know I'm going to do something about it, but I'm doubting that it will succeed even before I've tried. I know I am capable. I've done it before. I just have to exercise and eat right. 2 bagels a day with light cream cheese plus fruits and veggies, salmon and soy and I should be good to go. I just have to eat smaller portions. Cut the sugar and processed or fast foods -- add exercise 5 or 6 days a week and I'll shrink. I can DO this. I just have my doubts. I feel like I'm just going to keep growing instead of either staying the same or shrinking. Shrinking is what I want.

Do I join a gym just to pay them and not go? I ask myself these questions without an answer in my head, then I work through them here and find the answers. What if I reward myself with a gym membership if I can get up and go for a brisk walk/jog every morning for a month? I can take Rainy, she'd like that. When the weather starts to turn, I'll join the gym - and by then I'll probably have cancelled my cell phone - the cost of which will pay for the gym. I'm planning to cancel it, but there are some messages from M. on there that I want to save - so first I have to figure out a way to do that! ;-) I'm such a goof.

Back to work.

Following my train of thought is like following a thousand bumblebees all going in a different direction at once.

Alive and well.... well... almost well. I've been getting sick WAY too often since starting to drive from Maple Ridge every day to work... maybe it's work, maybe it's the car and it's leaky, fumey way.... maybe it's not getting enough rest, enough healthy food, enough exercise. Maybe it's all of the above. These things will all change. Slowly. I'm going to get a gym membership. In order to get the gym membership, I'm going to cancel my cell phone. I don't use it. Well... I would if my plan covered any USEFUL hours. I paid over $95 last month because I used it OUTSIDE the "included" time for my plan. My old plan rocked. I never went "outside the lines". The new plan they stuck me with sucks wide open ass. No free anytime minutes. Free weekday evenings and free weekends.. but they don't start till 7pm (I'm already home) and they end before 7am (I'm just waking up). So... I think I'll just give people my work number and my home number and let the messages roll in. I can check my work messages from anywhere, which rocks. My home messages, I don't know the number to call or the password for it. Hmm.. Have to remedy that.

That'll pay for my fitness club membership, and working the 9:30 to 6 shift as much as possible will mean I can go before work - if I work at 6am I'll go after work. If I work inbetween shifts, I'll probably go after work, too. Have to find a gym with incredible hours. Have to go 5-6 days/week. Have to eat better. WILL eat better. Have to find my new running shoes... where the heck did they go?!?

The trip to the Kootenays with M. and M's Mum was awesome. A great break despite getting yet another dizzy spell and sore throat and other bacteria-induced goodness. We went to Peachland and then on to Lemon Creek (sleeping in Bonnington at a friend of their family's home) and travelling to Lemon Creek one of the days to clean up and document the damages done by their previous tenant. Hard work and disheartening for M's Mum... but hopefully she'll figure out what to do with the property from here. Peachland (and a home of another friend of the family) was our stop the next day as well -- and there we had a whole day where we didn't have to go anywhere or do anything. We went to SummerHill Winery (the one with the Pyramid in Kelowna) and then drove a back road up by chute lake and then down around the bottom of the valley to return to their wonderful view property for a delicious BBQ of steak and chicken with fresh veggies from the garden. Yum. Later on that evening after dinner M and I went for a LONG walk. It wasn't planned as such, but I tell you.... a walk like that every day and I'd be fitter than Janet Jackson. Okay, maybe not that fit, but I would be able to eat anything at all that I wanted and not gain an ounce. It's quite a climb from Okanagan Lake to their sweeping view property. Quite a climb. Ow. Travelled home over the back road from Peachland to Princeton - fun and windy and twisty and gravel. I felt like I was in a rally! M. even let me drive for much of it - even though I could see the HUGE grin on his face the whole time he was driving. Love you, M. Tons.

I'm tired today, but looking forward to just two weeks from now when I head out to Edmonton to be a witness and a wedding party member at the marriage of my two dear friends Kim and Ed. They rock so hard it hurts - and I get to be part of it. I know there have been times where Kim wondered why she asked me to be in it - but if she can just feel one iota of the love in my heart for them, she'll remember why... even when I'm at my most trying. Celebrating with them is going to be one of two highlights in a very turbulent year for me. The other being meeting my soul mate. I'll miss M. but I'll be able to call him at work and give him remote love from Edmonton and Vegas. Wish you could come with me, babe!

So... like.. yeah... and stuff...

Whee. I have my dress, I have my wedding gift (well first of two - the first, I bought, the second I'm waiting until my skill level improves at Stained Glass before attempting.... I want it to be worth hanging in the window!) Plus, it'd be better to give it to Kim and Ed when they MOVE OUT HERE in case of breakage during the journey/shipping of said gift to Alberta and back to BC when they MOVE OUT HERE. ;-)

And on to the coming weekend. I have Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday AND Tuesday off. I'm going to go with M and his Mum to the Kootenays, once more! It will be a fairly relaxed trip in a rental car - so we will actually have a stereo - possibly even a CD player. I'll have to ask M. tonight and maybe bring a couple of CDs with me on the trip if we do. Wow. Music on a Road Trip. What a concept!?! Heh.. it's only stunning to me because our last trip out there was in The Beast. The Beast has only an AM radio. There's not much AM radio out there... and what there is is only available for a limited time while quantities last. Drive by the sign that posts the radio frequency and you're nearly out of range, already. It's pretty much not worth turning the radio on.

Perhaps I'll invest in a CD player for my car... one that I can transfer to a NEW car when I get it --- and then reinstall the original radio into The Beast when it moves on in the world.

Whew... time to go home already! Whee!

A Story: I didn't do my Morning Pages for 3 days. I started to freak out about Life, The Universe and Everything. I did one page out of three this morning (so far) and suddenly things don't seem NEARLY so bad.

The Moral: Morning Pages are my brain's very best friend.

In other news:

Yes.. the "new beau meeting the parents weekend extraveganza" happened on Saturday.. amidst the 65th birthday party for my Aunt and my mother meddling in the cousin to cousin mini-fued that my brother and cousin are embroiled in. Neither of them asked for her help. Of course. Mom says "He's fine" when I ask what she thought of Matthew. Course, she's embarassed that she got overly tipsy in the hot tub and could barely walk afterwards.. I've never seen her like that -- must have been the stress of the twenty minute confrontation she initiated with my cousin. Why? Oh why? I may never know.

Before the confrontation, my mother chatted with M. and seemed to get along well with him. My Dad, as usual, was quiet and just watching everything that was going on around him. I didn't realize that he was IN on my Mom's verbal assault on my cousin until she came back to the table and, between sips of wine, told my Dad all about it while he lent a sympathetic ear and my brother rolled his eyes at her.

I speak to her today and ask her a favour... could she look after Rainy... from the get-go I fear the tone of her voice when I call. She sounds tight and wound up. Unhappy about something - but what? She tells me about the stomach troulbes she's been having for the last 2 months and how she's got to go in for nasty tests this week - and blames her strange state on that... I'm probably reading way too much into this,in fact I know I am. She's agreed to look after the puppy if I make sure that the groomer can take care of her in the morning rather than the afternoon. I should relax. I know she'll come around eventually... wish I could just not have everything I do in my life that she doesn't approve of be a huge stress point between us. I guess that's mostly up to her, though, when it comes down to it.


And I wonder, at times, why I'm so fucked up?

Strange that the full moon is when I start to bleed. I've been off the hormone control pills since March... and it's shifted around slowly each month. I mark it on the calendar to track it and today I noticed that it is actually a full moon. I wonder if it will stabilize there or if my cycle has shortened... as it has been moving back a few days each month. We shall see! It's an adventure... and this month's adventure involves cramping and headaches. I wondered why I had a headache that wouldn't quit this morning... and now I know. Thank goodness for the ease of the keeper. (Thanks Christy for putting me on to it, I love it!) I never have to wonder if I have enough "supplies" to last me through the month.. or if I've remembered to re-stock my purse. I just put the keeper in my purse when I'm done for the month and it's ready whenever I need it. The only unfortunate thing is that I can't help anybody else out if they've gotten caught by surprise without any supplies.

Ugh. Bleeding. Headache. Cramps. I love being a woman. Despite all that.

Took the course... passed the course! Boy... that sure sounds a lot easier than it was! It wasn't difficult, so much as a whole lot of information to assimilate in a short period of time. Long days... but worth it. Glad I took the course, don't know that I'll ever use it, but if I need it - I have it.

Hmm.. in other news... I don't feel much like posting these days. I get all my ranting and figuring of things out done in the morning writing something called "Morning pages". Morning pages are a tool from the book The Artist's Way by Juila Cameron. What you do is write 3 long hand pages every morning. No more, no less. They don't have to be about anything... you just have to DO them. Occasionally mine are just gibberish, but sometimes some really deep things come out that I've been fretting about and didn't know how badly they were affecting me. I ask my Morning Pages questions... and the answers come, eventually. It's even more cathartic than writing in my blog has been for me. That's saying a lot.

Thing is... it doesn't leave much to rant or rave or write about here at the end of the day. That may change as I proceed along the path of The Artist's Way.

Trying to cut some glass tonight... but so far I've been distracted by the television AND by my computer.. and by the fact that I have no tape to tape my pattern together with. I can solve that problem tomorrow at work -- but for now, I promised myself some glass cutting -- so I think I'll just have to find a smaller pattern and cut something for that!! It'll give me some practice before starting the bigger project I'm working on.

At any rate... I'm off to do that, now.

I'll try to update from time to time about how the journey to creativity is going...

Finally going to take that Wilderness First Aid course this weekend... the one that I got strep throat for last month and had to miss... (only I didn't know it was strepp throat until the Tuesday AFTER the weekend).. Eep!

So I probably will be online even LESS than I am, now.

Reading about QuakeCon makes me want to be there, too... I even played some Single Player Q3 yesterday... was fun.. but OSP messes up my SP action. Have to figure out how to move it out of the way when I want to play SP.

Anyway.... must get gear organized for tomorrow and figure out how to get where I'm going. Early start. 8am... 45 minute drive away. Ick. Leaving earlier than I did for work this week. Hah!

Have to get back into good habits. Bad ones have taken over for too long. The more organized I am, the better my life will be. I started getting more organized today at work and it continued all the way home with me. Now... If I can just organize myself into getting some exercise and eating right. I've been far too lazy for far too long. The bit of extra weight I'm carrying is getting me down. I don't like how I look in pictures these days... I feel like I'm letting myself go... and I don't know where it will end. Time to nip it in the bud NOW before I let it slide. Motivate. Motivate. Motivate. RAH! Can anyone tell me how to eat? I suck at menu planning for weight loss. I rock at menu planning for pure unadulterated enjoyment of FOOD. I love food WAY too much and I loathe exercise for exercise's sake. Bad combination.

Next year at this time I will be living close enough to work to once again bike there every day. At least, that's the plan. Up to an hour ride each way I'm willing to put in - though 20 minutes each way would be ideal. That gives me loads of places I can potentially live. I want to live in a house, that's for sure... no more apartments for this girl and her dog.

There will be no more bruise pics for a while... the place where I've had my grandfathered free 'staff' web site on the corporate web server has changed my login password for ftp. I'm begging for a few days extension and a few days notice!!! I need to pull everything back down OFF of there. I figured the free super fast virtual domain hosting site was too good to last long.... but it lasted for about five years!

Stream of consciousness blogging.. oh yes, indeed.

New bruise pics here.

I Am A: Chaotic Good Elf Mage Ranger


Alignment:
Chaotic Good characters are independent types with a strong belief in the value of goodness. They have little use for governments and other forces of order, and will generally do their own things, without heed to such groups.


Race:
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.


Primary Class:
Mages harness the magical energies for their own use. Spells, spell books, and long hours in the library are their loves. While often not physically strong, their mental talents can make up for this.


Secondary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.


Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

Only had one page this weekend so far... and the weekend is nearly over. That one was an easy one... here's hoping that's it for the shfit.

Very relaxing weekend, yet active. M. and I finally found Sipa Sipa footbags (hacky sacks). We looked for them all over Nelson. We looked for them all over Calgary. We called around Vancouver. Where, oh where were we going to find one?? Guess where M. works? MEC. Guess where we found Sipa Sipa footbags? MEC Yeah... we were laughing, too. Now to get good at this hacking stuff... could take some time!

Played softball tonight. We were warming up and I was playing 3rd base... I took a line drive to the left thigh. Ow. Ow. Ow. It's going to be a beautiful bruise... I'll take day by day pictures of it and try to show them to you... the pics from the night are here.There is one of my thigh right at the end... it's changing colours rapidly, though. That one .AVI was because I forgot I had the camera on "movie" so... I did get the home run... but a lot of shots of the ground, too. =)

Time for sleep.

Time cannot go quickly enough while I'm at work. It's just DRAGGING today.

Maybe if I actually try to do some work it'll speed the day along until 3:30 when I can leave to pick up M. So far no takers on pager. I'll just say "fuck it" and sleep in next week if I get paged -- it's Ross's fault for scheduling me at 6am!! I NEED MY REST!

So... the business of life continues and the mental/emotional/spiritual? revelations materialize and solidify in my consciousness and cease to slide in and out. These things become more concrete day by day... talking about them helps -- had a great long talk with George tonight. Hope I helped him. =) He rocks.

Going to have a fairly relaxing weekend.. as long as I can get rid of pager.. ;-) Hopefully I can... because really the money isn't nearly as important as my health... which hasn't been so uber stable lately. For one thing, I'm gaining weight (my own non-diet-conscious non-exercising fault) but this lack of exercise and poor diet are weakening my immune system... add to that an unhealthy desire to stay up to all hours of the morning spending time with M. and you have a recipe for health disaster. I'm spending more time at home this week (and this weekend) and next week my bro is away so I'm obliged to come home and let my doggie out right after work as well as feed his cat. Sadie is cute as a bug. as the plans to head to Seattle have temporarily fallen through. I'll watch my new LoTR DVD with M (who hasn't seen it yet?!?!!), spend time with him here, go for a hike, build closet shelves and hopefully play some softball. =) But not do much else.

At any rate... I'm sleepy. It's time for bed.

George. Remember, you ROCK! Don't ever let anyone else make you feel like you don't!

Kimli makes me smile and laugh. Loudly. With snorting. It's no wonder I can't read her at work!

I love M.

Had a fantastic vacation. I want to move to Kaslo.

Problem is, I'm already feeling overwhelmed by work and the general hectic-ness of life. It's been 2 days since my vacation. So... I've decided to simplify. The first step will be cancelling all credit cards but one. I have yet to decide which one gets to stay a part of my life... but I WILL cancel all the rest. Step two: Cancelling all "rewards programs" cards and "club cards". Of course, I'll get some free goods from them with my points, first... ;-) But after that... I don't want my spending habits to be tracked anymore or have to dig through 250,000 cards in my wallet to get 40 cents back and 10 points. Forget it.

I want to move to part time work. I suppose that I can... but I have to decide whether or not it's in my best interests to do so. My health would likely be better, my emotional state, my standard of living... but working full time will get money for my dreams faster... I will start with the first two things and see what happens. I love my job... but only for 8 hours a day.. when it goes overtime like it did today -- it's the suck. I don't get paid any extra for staying... so why did I? Especially when it stressed me out so much. The good thing is, I made it through the stress without breaking down... it was close -- but the 1.5 hour drive home gave me tons of time to ponder life, the universe and everything. Seeing a car flipped upside down with fire-fighters working to free the people inside kind of put things in perspective a bit, too.

Simplify.

Well, it is sadly already time to leave Calgary... Yesterday was busy. M. and I went and found a BMX tire for his bike - then we found our way to the Calgary Zoo - really an amazing experience and worth the price of admission.... then we visited the Calgary office of MEC (where M. works in Vancouver) and to top it all off Kim and Ed and M. andI had Thai food at the place where everyone celebrated Ali's birthday... it was fantastic. =) There were at least 3 other birthday celebrations going on there when we were there this time, too. We then went for Ice Cream at Phillips... and though I love Green tea ice cream... this one was a kind that they add the leaves to... that always kind of weirds me out... but it was good in spite of it. M. had one scoop of Khalua and one of Pralines and (insert some other kind of nut that I forget the name of here). He really seemed to enjoy it. ;-) Kim is hotter than ever and Ed is pretty cute, too. He gives good hugs, does my bro. Need more of those when they move to the lower mainland next year.

I wish M. could come to Las Vegas with us... I will be the only chick without my mate... but $$$ always conspires against us. Dunno if he'll be able to swing it. Likely not. Poo.

Wow, I had forgotten what a room at jome with multiple computers in it could sound like! HUMMMMMMMMM...

Are my thoughts disjointed? Perhaps. It's only because I have to leave Calgary soon. Heading for the glories of Banff will ease the pain, though only a little bit.

Illuminares was great fun, but this week (so far) travelling to the Kootenays has been even more fun. I'll update more from home.. probably.. if my brother ever stops downloading songs from the net! Heck, I can update while he downloads, so I will. Pictures and everything. Right now I am at the lovely and delectable Kim's and the silly and brother-like Ed's apartment in Calgary! We drove all the way here in the Old Beast (car that my grandparents bought new, my mom then owned and gifted to me) with a stop in the Slocan Valley and Nelson. I'm in love with Nelson... one day maybe I'll move there... if I can find a job there that I'd love to do. More details will follow but I want to go eat Thai food with everyone, now. HUNGRY.

Tonight M. and I are going to venture down to the Illuminares Festival. I've wanted to go to this thing for years, and always managed to forget each year until hearing about how magical it was a few days after the fact! NOT THIS YEAR! I don't have a lantern, but I have a magical dress and a glow stick. Next year I will create a fabulous lantern for it... maybe I will create many fabulous lanterns and figure out a performance! We'll see... magical night.. here I come... take me away to a place I've never been before...

I think I'll go vaccuum and wash the car and then finish putting things away in my room.

So I'm home tonight. I just felt awful this morning but managed to struggle through the day... it kind of looks bad when you take a sunny Friday off just before you take vacation. ;-) Plus.. I had stuff to do at work.

So... the past few weeks in a nutshell:

After the McKesson/ALI Acquisition BBQ and Celebration at UBC's Museum of Anthropology I was supposed to go to the weekend outdoor portion of a St. John Ambulance Wilderness First Aid course... but I had a monster sore throat, so I rescheduled for August. I spent the weekend curled up in M.'s bed while he made me tea and brought me cold medication... all the while with me protesting "I should go home, I'm going to make *you* sick." What did the greatest guy in the world say in return? Something wonderful along the lines of... "No, cuz then you'd be all alone and we're going to make each other sick sooner or later, anyway. You're staying." Can I say melt? Oh yes, indeed. The "cold that never manifested" turned out to be a nasty case of strepp throat, which I realized on Tuesday morning at about 1:30am. The pain started on the previous Thursday night.. but me thinking it was just a cold coming on... didn't go to the doctor until I couldn't swallow or sleep for the pain at 1:30 in the morning. Resourceful me, I found the phone book and discovered that we have a local hospital with an emergency room. They gave me pain drugs (that didn't really work, but the fact that I had started to take care of the problem helped me sleep) and antibiotics and a prescription for more.... My throat is a bit sore again... because I didn't *quite* finish the antibiotics. I hope I didn't mess myself up big time. I'm finishing them off again. All the bloody way this time.

Last weekend's Wilderness Survival Course:

This was a hoot, except I think the antibiotics made me a bit ill... because both days I felt nauseous and light headed during and after hiking. We learned what we should bring on a day hike in case we are stuck out overnight and we learned to improvise what we didn't bring... where to find/make/set up shelter, getting water, saving food, etc.. We set up tarps in all sorts of different ways. The weather was perfect, unfortunately..... we would have learned even more had it been nasty out. This did afford a gorgeous view of the nearly full moon and stars from a ridge near where we stopped. I saw two shooting stars and tons of sattelites lying on my back on the spongy dry moss. Fantastic. Magical. Wish M. had been there to share it with me. Slept pretty darn well in my tarp shelter, too.

Coming up:

The bike tour of the Gulf Islands that became a road trip to Calgary via Nelson, BC. A road trip because I haven't got enough recent mileage on my bike to be able to ride far every day and enjoy it and because I want to see Kim and Ed. Nelson because my birth mom lived there when I was born and because M. grew up near there until he was about 12 or so... We are going to stay just a few minute's walk from their property. We'll explore the Slocan Valley a bit maybe a day and a half's worth... and then drive over the Rockies to Calgary to see delicious and juicy Kim! She, as you know if you read her blog (which you should because it's infinitely more entertaining than mine and I link it to the right over there.... --> ) is getting married in September and all of her bridesmaids live miles away. I'm the closest and I'm on the west coast of B.C.! I figured it would be awesome to see she and Ed before the hustle and bustle of wedding week and I want to introduce M. to everyone!

But time for bed. I'm tired and still sick. I want to be healthy for the trip!

Congratulations to Laura and Jeff!! They had a beautiful baby boy on July the 5th!! Welcome to the world Zachary Liam! I'm sure you will amaze us all. So beautiful!

I have ADSL! But I'm not home for the next few days... ;-) 700 pieces of junk mail later....

ADSL still not quite there... hence the lack of updates.

One thing I would like to re-iterate... and that is that the SMOKER that sits beside me SUCKS! I love it when he goes outside for a smoke and then comes back in right after he's finished his last PUFF of smelly cigarette... and sits down to let the foul aroma of burnt cigarette smoke waft over me like a cancerous wave. Just love it.

I tell him about it, too. "You stink". I mumble "stinky boy" to myself (loudly enough that he can hear me). He's such an ass. Ah well... one day I won't have to put up with him.. maybe we'll move groups around sooner rather than later and I won't have to sit beside stinky cancer stick boy any more. Wouldn't that be loverly. Oh yes, it would.

Oops forgot to publish that last bit when I wrote it... More details on the Wilderness First Aid Weekend That Was Not and Other Exciting Tales will follow....


I get ADSL tomorrow. I hope.

Whew. Busy.

I've barely had a moment to myself the last week... and this weekend is going to be crazy as well. I got my CPR 'C' certification last night... as well as the beginnings of a cold... :-/ Meh. I'm fighting it with a cocktail of chemicals. Vitamin C 1000mg and some Pseudophedrine Hydrocholride 30mg Dextomethorphan Hydrobromide 10mg and Acetaminophen 250mg. I still feel like crap, however. Must be the whole 'lack of sleep' thing I've been doing to myself lately... and there's no end in sight. Company BBQ tonight (I at least have to go and grab some free food) - First Aid tomorrow and Sunday from 8:30am to 5:00pm. Ugh. Then Wilderness Survival on Monday night (followed by a field trip overnighter next weekend). I have to find a tailor, get measurements taken and order a sexy dress to wear for sweet, sexy Kimli and downright nasty Ed's wedding.. then, I can relax... a bit. Have to plan for the last week of July that I have off to go bike touring on Mayne Island with M. That, at least, can be as tough or as relaxing as we want it to be. I want relaxing. I want to go to a location and stay for a couple of days. Not do anything. Not have to BE anywhere. Just chill out and enjoy the vibe of being with M. and NOT being at work. Hallelujah.

August I don't want to plan ANYTHING.. but I'm sure I will at some point. ;-)

For now.. I just want to feel better. I have to go back to Maple Ridge tonight to get some things for the First Aid trip and get as much sleep as I can. Meh.

On the emotional front, things have never been better. I feel strong as an individual but I have someone in my life who give me thrills to think about and even more thrills to see and touch and walk with and talk with and... and... and... yet I can be on my own and not be thinking only of going to see him or be with him or "is he with someone else while I'm not with him?" or any of the other stupid time-wasting, insecure shit that I used to do.

For those of you who miss me online: I will have internet access on or about the 15th of July. I miss you guys. IRC port is blocked at work, and I have WAY too much to do anyway.

On another note I spent too much money yesterday. CD Burner. Sony CLIE PDA (Still trying this one out). DVD (Wallace and Grommit - all thier movies on one DVD plus extras!). Telus Quick Start ADSL modem and startup kit. Miscellaneous IKEA stuff.

But alas, work calls... So... down to it!

Oh, and in case you hadn't guessed it before now.... I think M. rocks. ;-)

Ahhhh... the move is done, now to the unpacking! My brother was an awesome help - getting the 1 ton work van and driving all over heck and gone with me to retrieve my things. M. met us in Richmond... he rode his bike and ended up flatting just after the Oak Street Bridge and having to walk the rest of the way to storage. He made it and his help and hugs and kisses were MUCH appreciated.

I'm window impaired. When opening the window in my new bedroom I managed to give myself an injury that inspired a fantastical "OwFuck!" dance. I slid the window open quickly and trapped my thumb between the window frame and the sliding window. It bruised one side and sliced the other. "OW! FUCK!" was said many times, with me dancing to the bathroom to run it under cold water. It's doing well. Ow. Fuck.

More things retrieved from Storage yesterday... I need to find a place to put all the food that I brought with me to my bro's. I wonder if Ikea sells portable pantry cupboards. I'm sure they do.

Things yet to do:

1. Buy food.
2. Unpack everything and find homes for it all.

To facilitate that I will need to:

3. Build some shelves in my closet to store gear on.
4. Build some shelves in my bedroom to store books on.
5. Buy or build a pantry cupboard in the kitchen for extra storage.

I also want to:

6. Add some candle/tealight shelves to one wall in my bedroom.
So much to do!

Argh. Work!

Whew! I managed to get tomorrow off - so in celebration of Ali's birthday painting can get done and most of the packing, too. Go me! I'm taking it as a vacation day, but what the heck! I'll have more comp days by the end of the year to make up for it. I still have some vacation left, too.

Anyway...


Here I am at work where everyone is whining like a bunch of babies. "They don't pay us enough." "I used to make more money at my old job, I had to take a pay cut to come here." What some of them don't seem to realize is that "taking a pay cut" is not even remotely the same thing as "being laid off". When you're laid off, you're worth whatever you can GET at a new job. If it sucks so bad, why don't you just LEAVE. Find that glorious new position that will pay you what you think you're worth! Just please. Please. PLEASE!!! Stop being so whiney.

I'm still revelling in the glory of not working in Pet Food retail. While that was fun, and I was happy, it wasn't a job where I could save any amount of money towards my future!! This one is and I am! Yay! I still feel blessed to work here, though sometimes (like right now) I slack off a little bit. I try not to surf from here, but on really slow afternoons or during lunch I sometimes sneak a peek at my favourite weblogs... Hum dee dum...

Tomorrow will rock. Get up early. Get cracking. Pack things. Move things. Paint things. Whee!

I'd best clear up some things before heading over to my new home at 6. La la laaaaa....

So far so good on the cell phone. It's still working and I've had it plugged in and turned on all day. Woo! Hooray for the saving money!

I have pictures up here and here. Wildwood was the first day, Walbran the second. They're not captioned or titled or thumbnailed or *anything* just yet. I just don't have time to do it this week month. I'm that busy (hooray!) I'll have to slow down in August or something...

Back to work.. I have so much to do.

This week:

Tonight: Go to my bro's and give him my portion of the damage deposit.
Wednesday: Go to home depot and get paint.
Thursday: Hopefully paint (woo faux finish and NO MORE apartment beige!)
Friday: Organize what I need in storage to make moving easier on Saturday.
Saturday: Move!!

In amongst all this I should be studying my First Aid and Win2k MCSE stuff... though First Aid is way more interesting right now... I also have to start getting more rest, eating better (planning my damn lunches) and getting some exercise. I will probably ride my bike every night so I can get my butt ready for M. and I's cycle tour of the Gulf Islands at the end of the month!

Whew!

Back home alive and well from Wildwood tour and Walbran hike. Long. Long. Day. Yesterday. Slept. Slept. Slept. Today. Felt pretty wasted this morning and called in sick. I would not have been any good to anyone even if I had come in. I thought when I went to bed that I'd feel a lot better than I did when I woke up -- plus with the evil hormonal imbalance that is my period arriving today... it just made for an all-around bad day mentally and physically. We ended up *just* making the last ferry from Duke Point to Tsawassen... I was driving and it was a miracle we didn't crash.

At least today was spent in the company of my dear M. I helped him a bit with his move preparation by packing up the bathroom and giving it a scrub. Not as clean as I'd like to have made it, but physically, I wasn't feeling my best. He understands but says he has no concept of what it must be like to have the evil cycle. I feel SO disjointed physically and emotionally. Crying at the drop of a hat and sort of drifting through the day... hopefully it'll be a lot better tomorrow.

Funny thing happened on Friday. I dropped my cell phone in the toilet. SPLOOSH!! SUbmerged cell phone. It shut down on it's own, must have short circuited... I shook the water out as best I could and tried it that night... the vibrator function was working well. When it wasn't supposed to. I've let it dry for 3 days, now... and this afternoon... it actually WORKED! I'll tentatively try it again tomorrow and see what happens. It might be time for a new one... if this "working" state doesn't continue.

I'm sleepy. It's time for bed. I'll post pictures another time..

I began this post yesterday about 15 minutes before I left work... but I'm changing it completely and actulally posting it today!

Hmm... so much to say...

First the haircut blog:

Went for dinner and conversation with Tusker on Tuesday cuz she's moving to the island.. had amazing Thai food at Simply Thai. Oh. Yum. I've been there 3 times in the last 2 weeks! I'd better cut that out... time to save money and make my own at home.

Met up with my brother and his roomie (soon to be my roomie, too) to talk about the upcoming move into the house in Maple Ridge. It's both larger and smaller than I thought. Certain aspects are bigger, and certain ones are smaller. =) We arranged what needs doing, what needs bringing and what needs buying. They're happy I'm coming to live there and that their current roomies ( a couple ) are moving out. Apparently they're really messy. Hope they can deal with me!

I had a quick visit with M. before heading out there... all too brief and made bittersweet by the fact that I have a cold sore and couldn't return his kisses... oh the sweet, sweet torture! It'll heal soon. Hopefully before this weekend. We're going to the island with a group of his co-workers for a tour of Wild Wood - an amazing example of ecoforestry - and the Carmanah valley. Camera and dog in tow, I go. Tent snugglies at night. =)

Enough of the haircut... here's the real news!

I spoke to George at length over ICQ last night... He has met someone, too! We both shared a bit about our new love interests and congratulated each other - heck, I even tried to give him what advice I could about how to make sure he wins her heart (he asked for it, it wasn't unsolicited advice). =) I'm so glad that we talked about it. He was the brave one, asking me if I had met anyone yet... I admitted I had and asked him the same question. I was surprised but very pleased to learn that he's found someone he's interested in. Closer to his age, too! George and I will always be good friends. I know I can count on him, and he knows he can count on me. This is a first in my life as far as ex-es goes... I'm very happy about it. *bounce*

Now to get my parents used to the idea that George isn't coming back and I've found someone else who makes my heart and mind and soul filppy flop in the best possible way. I'll introduce them over the moving weekend. =)

Opinion time:

I'm upset about our medical system. I feel betrayed. I thought our system was so wonderful... care for everyone! State supported health! An equal level of care for all. But it's not. It's already a two-tier system. If you have money, you can get tests and care and specialists... but if you don't... you get run of the mill tests, care and specialists -- and you can go for years not even knowing what you're suffering from. If they don't fix you up, they still get paid. If they don't figure out what you've got. They still get paid. If you die. They still get paid.

I wonder if there are better medical care systems out there to model ours on... I need to do some research into Eurpoe and beyond. This is just. Plain. Wrong.

ARGH!!

I will be moving out of here soon. I will be moving out of here soon. I will be moving out of here soon.

I will not be made to feel like a child every day. I will not be made to feel like a child every day. I will not be made to feel like a child every day.

*stretch* *yawn*

I don't feel like posting.

*snooze*

So the plague of not posting has been loosed upon me by Hera knows what evil power rampant in the universe... Actually, I think it's called "Real Life" or something like that.

I've been so busy enjoying my days and nights that I haven't sat down in front of the computer with a need to share -- there's just too much to share!

My emotions are stable -- if a bit manic thanks to M. That got me thinking last night. I realized I had some concerns that I was going back to my old ways of finding a man, any man, and then building him up in my mind to be something more than he is which ultimately, always leads to disappointment and heartache.

I thought long and hard about it and used my imagination to put myself in the position of M. not being what he seems. I know... worst case scenario -- but it has happened to me in the past! Thing is, if he's not -- then I'm definitely not as good a judge of human character as I think I am. At any rate - I worked myself up (down?) into really trying to feel what it would be like to discover that he's not as interested as he is - that he, say, found someone else. I felt it. I felt the sadness, I felt the betrayal, the disillusionment... I felt all of that -- but I also felt that I would be okay and, most importantly, that I haven't betrayed myself by exploring the possibilities of a future with him. I am still working towards my dreams and goals -- having him in my life is quite simply the killer topping on top of the baked New York style cheesecake (complete with cherries).

Coming to these realizations on my own and with such certainty is a new experience for me. Being assertive and asking for what I want from people is also new for me but I'm doing that regularly, too! I don't know quite what it is about hitting 30, but I really feel that I've come into my own. I know what I want, I know that I can work towards getting it and I know that I don't want to settle for anything less that what I feel I deserve!

I also realize that I'm human and that other people are, too - ie: we all have our faults. It's just a matter of realizing what faults you can live with in people that you associate with and what faults you just won't live with and vice versa. Hopefully you find someone whose faults you can live with that can live with yours.

The emotional rambling aside... It's ALI Kayaking night tonight! Once a year one of my paddling co-workers organizes an outing for 60 employees and friends to go to Deep Cove and go sea kayaking. Last year was beautiful and this year is shaping up to be just as gorgeous. This year I have someone special to go with, too -- which is awesome.

My car is in the shop today for a strange electrical ground short problem... the interior light is on at all times no matter what I do and the oil and voltage lights come on when I'm driving and go off when I accelerate hard or just let the engine coast. Weird. Hopefully they can fix it without too much $$$. And hopefully I can get my car back in time to pick up M. for Kayaking!

Saturday is the Rose Festival -- I'm so excited to be going again. I sort of avoided it for a few years because of being with George... my ex was likely to be there and George had no use for him so we didn't go. I felt rather lost each year when I realized that the Rose Fest had come and gone and I had missed it again... not this year! M. is coming with me. I hope it will be as magical as I remember it to be. I know it will be.

Busy month coming up... 29th-30th Carmana Valley trip, 6th-7th Moving, 13th-14th Wilderness Fisrt Aid course, 20th-21st Wilderness Survival Course, July 27th-August 4th Time off to bike tour with M. Probably the Gulf Islands. Wow! I'm looking forward to ALL of it.

Enough for now... time to get back to work and close off some of these nasty Reports that I'm working on!

....this post edited to contain pertinent breaking news of the day....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIMLI!!!!!!!!!!! Sexy. Bish. *lix*

....we now continue with our regularly scheduled blather....

Ahhhhh... Tuesday. Is that it?! Isn't it later by now? Crap.

The nav course field day went well. I learned a lot and I feel much better prepared in dealing with bearings, triangulation, resection and other ways of making sure I am where I think I am. I did, however, manage to lose my knife. :-/ Being that I'm on pager this weekend, it's doubtful that I'll be able to get back up there to go looking for it... so I might just buy a new one and lanyard that puppy right away.

More later... Working... almost off!!

So.. Thursday was yet another fantastic day. Went for my training run at 8:00 in the morning and it was already sweltering hot. Thank goodness for cold showers afterwards. uNF! After that I did some tidying up around here, vacuuming and organizing because I knew I'd likely be spending the night away from home... Packed up Rainy, my bike and a few other things in preparation for the Wilderness Navigation course classroom session that night and headed out to Vancouver to spend the day with M.

We started out by scaring the hell out of his poor cat, Wave. Wave is cute - he's HUGE. Not fat, don't get me wrong - he has massive paws and he is one solid boy. He's also just over a year old and has never met a dog he liked. I'd have to say that he doesn't yet "like" Rainy -- he was terrified and shaking most of the time... but Rainy demonstrated her ability to sense just how Wave was feeling and pretty much ignored him once she figured out that he wasn't into her at all. Wave did make some progress while Rainy was sleeping... he crept right up and lay down near her, sniffing all the while and keeping a watchful eye out for *any* sign of movement just in case he needed to BOLT.

They'll be friends one day. I'll betcha.

The day was spent riding around - we rode to Granville Island and during lunch, we ran into my friend Holly - she is a glass blower and works at a glass blowing place on the island. They're having a big exhibition soon (which she'll be sending us an invite to) where we can go and dress up all fancy.. I'm really looking forward to that! I embarrassed myself by swearing in the shop - which unfortunately has wood floors and lots of GLASS. Not a whole lot of sound-dampening factor, there. Holly kindly told me a story of another such occurrance in the shop which was even funnier than my own slip up. We then proceeded to beautiful Stanley Park - and being Thursday - was way less busy than it would have been on a weekend. Stopped on the way back for Ice Cream and then rode back to M.'s place in time to recover from the heat ride my bike down to my Nav course...

The Nav. course was great. Learned more about what kind of information could be found on and derived from the maps made by Energy Mines and Resources Canada as well as other maps. Kickass. Sunday is the field day up past Squamish in BC. I'm really looking forward to learning more skills that will keep me safe in the outdoors. (digression) Time to book that Wilderness First Aid course!

The day didn't end there, but my enthusiasm for writing about it now that the sun is starting to peek out from behind the clouds has waned engough that I'm going outside!



(digression) I'll have to book my Wilderness First Aid course on Monday. (/digression)

Almost time for bed.. going to Vancouver tomorrow to spend some time getting to know M. Going to take my dog and my bike and just make a day of it. I have a class from 7-10pm, so it's a good excuse to head out early. Plus, he took the day off. =) I should find the battery charger for my bike light and plug it in cuz it'll be dark when I get out of class at 10 and I plan to ride form M.'s place to class and back again. Free parking is good. Exercise is even better.

Wish me luck, health and happiness. Wealth would be good, too -- but it's not necessary.

Drifting, dreaming, holiday in summertime.

Somebody sign my guestbook. It's lonely.

Began a running program today. Sweat is good, but time for a shower. =)

Home am I from Vanderhoof and visits with my dear friend. Laura. You are HARD CORE. Eight months along and going wheeling to show me the glories of Cheslatta falls, the Kenney Dam and other gorgeous places in Northern BC. I envy the simplicity, wild beauty and gentler pace of your life... I know that one day, I will achieve this. Living the dream.

The trip was fantastic and I just wish it could have lasted a bit longer... but as she said, it'll keep me itching to come back and visit her again - which I will definitely do. I think the fall might be nice.. I want to see all those trees in suits of orange and red and yellow and give the townsfolk something more to talk about (who *was* that person I saw you in town with the other day??!) The black flies that like to take large bites out of me near my hairline will hopefully be gone by then. If not.. .there's always winter!

We saw a moose, four bears and a deer from Friday to Sunday. I have a picture of bear number one. Jeff saw more, but he was driving a taller vehicle on the way to their house from Prince George - we missed the deer that were on the other side of the highway below us because Laura and I were driving in her cute, short Honda Civic. Chilling in their adorable house on 6 and a half acres... walking to the river, playing with and meeting the entire gang of critters that share their home. *waves and snuggles* to Riker, Max, Coffee, Rudy and Rex. Touring the town, riding in an awesome Cheep 4x4 (part Chevy, part Jeep) that has finicky vent fan that sounds like a turbo prop is taking off inside your head, planting flower boxes, eating Moose (yum!) that has been slow-cooked all day in a tasty sauces, talking about old times and new, and watching movies curled up on the couch. These were but a few of the activites that took up our all too brief visit.

Laura and Jeff are convinced that they're having a boy... but they don't know the sex for sure. I wonder if life will throw them a curve or go just the way they're feeling? Time will tell! Good luck guys!

I will be back to invade and impose upon the hospitality of dear Laura and her hubby, oh yes indeed! She has inspired me to take up running again - which she too will do once the baby is big enough and she has recovered enough from the birth. Go us! Sun Run 2003, here I come.

Upon my arrival home, I was happily surprised at the airport by M. and after driving him home shared a wonderful walk in QE park, a fun night-scramble to the top of a rock outcropping (in the process nearly scaring to death the asian girl who was sitting on the stone wall at the top talking to her boyfriend), serious attempts to find subjects that we do NOT agree upon (unsuccessfully) and then walking back to his home to discover that we both adore Dave Matthews Band and love my peanut butter cookies. I also met Wave - who is a huge, powerful, playful, affectionate sweetie of a young cat. *purrt*

How is it that now that I know I can be single, and have no problem with it at all... that suddenly I find myself meeting a man whom I fear is a creation of a halucination? If I didn't have a picture of him and witnesses to confirm that he's real... I'd swear that I was lost in an amazing dream. I don't want to wake up, but if I ever have to, at least I can remember the dream with a smile in my heart.

Happy me, I'm off for the next week. I had a bunch of things on my list of things to do before leaving that didn't get done.. but oh well. I'm only human, and I worked hard, damnit!

Someone is coming to the airport to see me off... I'm very giggly about it. My usual Friday afternoon bounce combined with the added wiggle of having a week off is almost too much for my co-workers to bear... add to this the anticipation of having someone new come to the airport just to see me off and it's DEFINITELY too much for my co-workers to bear.

Actually, I'm not that bad, but I'm damned cheerful.

I'm going to Vanderhoof to visit my high-school best friend. She rocks, and I'm finally going to get to see where she calls home, meet her hubby and say hello (through belly-wall) to her soon-to-be-born child. I think it's going to be a great weekend!

Look out, Laura, here I come!

Sleep is for the weak. Tonight. I am weak.

So... after my huge epiphany about "alone" vs "lonely" I managed to find myself having a date with someone! I wasn't looking for it, I am content to be on my own... but he was intriguing, and it was Star Wars, so I went. =)

It turned out very well (understatement?! Uh.. Yeah) ... and now I'm in a bit of a quandry as to which direction I want this to go in. We talked for hours, and we seem to share so many ideas and experiences... it was very cool to meet someone so like me and yet different... but after much thought and paying attention to my apprehensions I am going to take things slowly, keep following the plan I've made for MY future, and if something wonderful happens... so be it! If not... then I'm still truckin' along for ME.

Mom, of course, could sense that I was interested in someone...(even though I denied it to her) and she's lecturing about not getting into something AND telling me I should wait for George!! (wtf?!?!!) She seems to think he'll "come to his senses" in a few months time. Well... Mom... perhaps we broke up not just becuase he's not ready, but because neither of us is! I still love George and I will always have a place for him in my heart - but more and more I think that we were on different paths and probably diverging rather than coming together. I am NOT waiting for ANYONE. Neither am I going to "settle" for anyone. I'm going to be me, and do my things and if I find someone who wants to share those things, and introduce me to new things... great. If not -- I'm content to keep on living my life.

I used to hear people talk about the differences between being "alone" and being "lonely". I would smile and nod as they explained how these things are so different, but I would never fully grasp what they meant. How could EITHER one be a good feeling? Weren't they exactly the same thing? Devoid of companionship! Missing something in life?

Last night when that ephiphanny hit me, I was floored by how obvious the difference had suddenly become.

Being alone can be a glorious thing. It is only bad if you are lonely. You can be lonely even if you are in a relationship... but if you're okay with being alone, then you're less likely to be lonely... at least in my experience.

One day I might be able to articulate it a bit better... but I think that if a person understands the differnce between the two words... then they don't need my explanations... and if they don't understand, then no matter how eloquently I put it into words, they will not understand until THEY figure it out.

I awoke in an amazing mood, after an amazing (but all too short) sleep during which I had a smile on my face and in my heart the entire night. I still feel great, even though I wish I didn't have to be at work today, or I had some time to actually INVESTIGATE some of the issues I have on my list instead of taking on new call after new call.

Friday + payday = sweet.

My mom's cousin called just before dinner and said she was on her way over... I was making dinner, so I threw in a little more pasta, added a salad and voila! Dinner for 3 becomes dinner for 4.

It was great seeing her again after not seeing her for who knows how many years... at least 10 maybe more! The conversation was fun and family history oriented. Trudy's was the first family wedding I ever attended, so I remember it the best of any of them. To me it was magical a-way back then.

Conversation eventually turned to the topic of tattoos. What is with that topic popping up all the time, now? The disapproval was clear and rampant in my mother's words and tone. She leaves no doubt in anyone's mind that she does not approve of tattoos. Though Trudy has one, she has it in a very hidden spot, and it has special meaning to her, because it was like one her "Poppy" had. He had a monkey on his back. ;-) She does, too. It's Curious George and very cute.

Meanwhile, I'm sitting there and my mother is ranting and raving about how she things "slut" the instant she sees a tattoo on a woman and that's what anyone things and blah blah blah... Trudy agrees, by the way, that tattoos make people think bad things about the person who has it... and while I notice tattoos (and have a huge one that my mother is unaware of... ;-) ) I do not automatically assume bad things about the person who has them. For me, the person's actions tells me much more about who they are than them merely having a tattoo.

During the course of this conversation, with me grimmacing and rolling my eyes at every opportunity and my mother warning me "don't you go out and get one , now just because I said these things" - as if I would alter my body permanently just to SPITE her?! - I felt strong and true to myself and had no desire to ruin my mother's opinion of me by divulging the secret of the tattoo. I'll keep my joy to myself and sucks to be a mom whos daughter can't tell her everything and share certain joys with her...

However... just now i was trying to get to sleep, and I couldn't. I was worrying about how I would meet a guy, he'd see the tattoo and BAM! he'd run like a scared rabbit or worse, turn his nose up at me disdainfully and I'd be alone - oh so alone... I was actually, seriously falling into a pit of despair over this. I tried talking myself out of it. I tried reminding myself that getting this tattoo was my gift to myself, that I love it, that it is really a wonderful part of me... but the DOUBT and FEAR were kicking my emotional butt. WHAT THE HELL!?!

*** warning - gratuitous self-love and respect below ***

What made me feel joy and strength and power once more was One. Simple. Thought. I don't *NEED* *ANYBODY*. If no one comes along in life who will love me and adore me and share life with me simply because I have a gorgeous tattoo on my back... well then, I have many friends and best of all. Most of all. Dearest and simplest and most fantastic of all. I. Have. Me. I can be alone! True to myself. Happy. Joyful. Magical. Mystical. Creative. Beautiful. Tattood. ME! I'm ready to love someone, I'm ready to love lots of someones -- there are so many possibilities... but I will not limit what I do to myself, by myself, FOR myself... just because it might scare "someone" away "someday".

I finally. Really. Truly. Love. Me.

***end gratuitous self-love and respect****

Okay.. I know that was some graphically gratuitous self-love there (I did warn you).. but this is huge. For me. The person who has been filled with self doubt and self loathing (much of it mom-induced) is able to get over mom-induced self doubt and triumphantly feel stronger than ever before without going to anyone else to get that strength. Stupdendous.

Here's me congratulating myself. WHEEEEE! Now I can sleep in peace and harmony!