I've been feeling really defeated today. It has basically been decided that I am "not cut out for" my job. It's not a good "job fit" for me. They've given me a couple of "chances" to keep my issues list down and I didn't succeed in doing so. They "gave me the chance" when I didn't have a clear idea of what was expected of me yet they are judging me based on my "failure" at that time - and that is what's stuck in my gourd right now. Sure, the job fit *isn't* right.. I know that, yet they also haven't given me any clear options at this time. How am I supposed to feel any kind of motivation to 'perform' at my job when I still don't have a clear idea of the expectations they have - AND I know that they've alredy decided my fate? Nothing I do now will change it, and it ain't worth the stress.

Being under the gun and having your every move monitored at work makes for a hellish existence. The Company doesn't have a leg to stand on as far as firing me based on my performance - plus they have to give me something like 3 written warning - I've recieved one so far. But the main problem is that they haven't been able to define what is expected of me - they say it's "too difficult" to come up with a definition of what is acceptable performance for our job. Yet, somehow they say I'm below this "non-existent" expectiation... Bullshit. They just don't have the expertise in-house to be able to devlop a clear job description and list of expectations and they won't admit it or do anything to make it better. They don't even consider it a problem.

FED UP! Most of us in Service are... a ticking time bomb...

On a similar note, I find that the corporate world as I know it does not reward those who wish to become spiritually and emotionally and creatively complete. Those of us who have creative and productive lives outside of our work are considered inferior to those that dedicate themselves solely to 'the company'. At least that's how it appears to be in the corporate world that I live in. The people that believe in this pro-corporate view of the world actually look down on the people who don't subscribe to it. "You'll never get ahead" "You'll never make good money" as though those should be the ultimate goals of every member of the human race. *sigh*

How twisted it appears to me - someone on the other side of the coin for whom this job is merely a way to make money to fund my passions. Right now, however, this job is dominating my entire life leaving no time for my passions. 1.5 hours to get to work each day. 1.5 hours to get home each day. 8.5 hours AT work each day. This job eats my soul. At some point, at some time, things have got to change. Whether I get to the breaking point and cannot continue due to stress-related health concerns or they let me go because my performance deteriorates beyond any useful (yet undefineable) level, has yet to be seen.

What a negative post after so long an absence... but honestly, with all the stress over this 'work thing' for the past month, I haven't had any time that I wanted to spend on the computer after work and no time to do it during work. It just reminded me too much of the horrible state of my life... take that with a grain of salt - because the ONLY thing horrible in my life right now is work - but because it is dominating my life, it wipes out most of the joy have in the rest of my life. It is wonderful, if I could just enjoy it.

I love you, M.

So much.

You keep me sane and remind me of the promise of what life can be. Together. Thank The Powers That Be for YOU.