Yesterday. It was the last visit to work before becoming a pass-card-less person who needs to be 'escorted' around. There was cake. There was hugging. There were goodbyes. Felt great.

Yesterday. It was the visit to my parents' house last night so they could learn that I have dreads and learn that I have given notice at McKesson... and so Mom could tell me how dreads are horrible and I'm a failure and she's a failure because I am, and how nobody will hire anyone with dreads (she tells me they're called dreads because they're so dreadful looking) and she's so embarrassed by me that she doesn't want to be seen with me at the family memorial tea for Grandma next month, and how I've done nothing but hurt her my whole life, and how searching for my birth mother just means that she is even more of a failure with me and that my parents aren't good enough, how I'm going to end up living in a dumpster down by the old Woodwards building, and if I ever get my nose or eyebrow pierced she will never speak to me again because I'm just doing it to get attention and it makes her sick, and how she's going to always tell me just how unhappy she is with the things I do that are wrong... just to list a few...

I took all of this in, listening to her, not putting the blame on her or on me for the way she feels - denying that she's a failure, denying that I am a failure, telling her how much I love and appreciate her, how I always will. Telling her how I am happy with who I am. Happy with the world. Happy with life. It was tearful, intense and draining emotionally.

*I* know I'm a success. I know I turned out just great.

I wonder at my mother's insistance that everything is wrong all the time and how "what might happen" is something to be worried about and afraid of... how can she live like that? I have an idea of why... Probably because she just can't see any other way to be... it's too frightening to think about. Even though she is living in hell, it is a familiar hell... I've been there... it's hard to let go of the familiar, no matter how much we're suffering. It's hard to take a step towards breaking the ties that bind us to the familiar... it's so hard to let go of the reasons we use to justify staying where we are, hating life and blaming ourelves and others for our unhappiness.

I choose to be happy, now. I choose a happy life! There is no reason not to except those we make up for ourselves.