Got my domain back for another year.. whew. =) Not that I'm using it for anything... Dur. Anyway....

Life is throwing big things at me and I'm responding, most of the time. I've just signed up for the Trout Lake Pottery Club.. and it looks like I may not be able to use the studio time for much longer. Matthew has an interview in Nelson on Monday and I do, too. It's crazy how fast things are swirling. We finally got this place unpacked and sorted and liveable and now it might be time to pack it all up again and get it up to Nelson. I guess we'll see... things are as they are.

I'm in a slump in my SELP project... I don't think I've mentioned that project on here, yet... it's the Landmark Self Expression and Leadership Program - and my project is a Raku firing on the beach for beginner potters. I feel like I should be working on it... and yet I am stopping myself. I just want to move up to Nelson and go to school... but school doesn't start until Semptember and I haven't even gotten IN yet. The SELP course ends in June...

Meh.

So much to do... test some things on the computer to see what's causing the evil and annoying intermittent alarm, the rest of the dishes, some laundry... all the mundane things of life... and all I want to do right now is go to the pottery studio. ;-) I think that starting Monday, that's just what I'll do for the rest of the week. See how much I can accomplish at this stage in a week's worth of working in the studio. Time to add some more water to my clay to get it soft enough to throw and extrude. Big plans. Big, big plans.

My domain has gone offline and I can't figure out how to renew it! I'm trying through register.com... but so far no word at my admin address. Eep. That means that for the time being, I only have epona1-at-telus-dot-net as my email address. So update accordingly. Cool. Cool.

I know how Ali feels. I've just never quite given up on this blog thing... mainly because no one online would know what was up with my life and partly because, when needed, this outlet is FANTASTIC for ranting and raving. I find I do a whole lot less ranting and raving these days, though... and just more living and loving life. Time to get showered and drive to Maple Ridge to paint the room there back to Rental Beige. Pottery tonight. Whee!

By the way, in case I've never told you, M stands for Matthew. He's the love of my life.

Ali came and visited yesterday - which was fun and mellow... she and M. and Rainy and I wandered up Commercial and grabbed Chai Lattes from Starbucks. You really can see *every* kind of person imaginable on Commercial Drive -- and so we people watched and window shopped. It was good.

Then went to a family birthday party - that at the time, frankly, I didn't want to go to. I'd never met any of the people that were going to be there (other than M.'s mom and sister and niece) and I didn't feel like sharing my soul with everyone - or so I thought until I met them. They're all really easy-going and cool - and I enjoyed myself thoroughly. We got into talk about the world and pending war, our political system and tons of other things... it was really a lot of fun. Great people. So glad I'm gonna be a part of this for the rest of my life. =)

Spoke to Carla yesterday - my birth half sister. She's going to be down again on Thursday - we're going to hook up - probably Friday... since I have an appointment on Thursday night with the Potter's club... and it's my birthday... wow... one whole year of being 30 flashed by so quickly. So much happened... and it's been completely fantastic overall. 30 is amazing. I highly reccommend it.


Off to start the day.

She *is* sweet. And she brought me pictures! I have pictures of people who I resemble!! I'm in shock. There were surprisingly very few tears... mostly smiles and talking and looking at photo albums. She had an appointment to get to, and I have class tonight, so we parted around 1:00... I saw her tear up a bit as she left the restaurant... I had photo albums to pack up and cart off. My birth mom sent down some photos, including her wedding photo with my Birth Dad. Wow!

I was nervous before the meeting, so I headed to the store and picked up a bouquet of flowers for her... she brought me some Body Shop stuff which was very sweet. She gave me a photo album with pictures of my birth realtives, including her, my full sister, my half-sister, my 2 nieces, my nephew, my Grandmother, great grandmother, grandfather, aunt... wow. It's amazing to look at pictures of people who I am physically related to, when I've never been able to do that my entire life.

M. was able to take a long lunch and meet us at the restaurant - which was wonderful. My half sister is is beautiful, slender with long legs, big gorgeous eyes, red hair and an infectious smile. I saw videos of her foal and all her horses, and I saw pictures of everyone imaginable. I can hardly wait to visit them.

Her beau is the cousin of a girl that I went to school with. It's a crazy small world! They're staying at her brother's place out in Burnaby. Wow. I'm overwhelmed. I'll have to document this some place else, some other time... cuz I'm too stunned to write coherently right now.

I'm going to meet my half-sister and her beau today. At 11:00. M.'s coming, too. Yay! She sure seems sweet on the phone... I just hope I don't phlegm all over her. Nasty. Nasty. Cold. Yick.

This was to post from yesterday... silly blogger. =)

I've had so much to post lately, and silly me -- was over filling the blogger buffer and it wouldn't publish. Heh. So here's the short version.

The call went well on the 17th. Amazingly well. I know it's probably the "first blush" stage of a new relationship... but the connection is undoubtably there. Since the 2 and a half hour call with my B-Mom, I have also spoken to my half sister Carla (for about an hour and a half) - she tried searching for me last year, though things didn't get completed, and now I've found them... so it's all good. She'll be driving in to Vancouver tonight, and depending on how I'm feeling physically, we may meet up tomorrow for lunch and a photo exchange. I've been sick the last two days... nasty cold... keeping me up at night... so we'll see. I don't want to pass it on!

The move is going well... Slowly but surely. We moved all the crap I had out of storage and had the yard sale that I mentioned last post. We were selling things ridiculously cheap... and it paid off. Got rid of most of what we didn't need, and got some money to boot! Trying to get EI... got a notice from them that they're " looking into " my claim and "a decision will be made, soon". Meh. Hope it goes my way. I'll fight for it. Cuz, really, my leaving was mutual.

Sunday we went to Granville Island and picked up the clay mural by Bob Kingsmill. It's gorgeous. Just what I'd hoped for and more. I keep looking at it on our wall and thinking - my God, it's beautiful! Not only is it beautiful in itselft, but the fact that it's my engagement present (rather than the ring) makes it even more beautiful to me. The day was gorgeous and sunny, the air was crisp and clear and overall it was glorious.. until I got sick that evening... but we'll just wipe that part out of our memories, shall we? Yes. We shall. I have pictures of it, but I'm not at a computer that can hook up to my camera, so they'll have to wait until I am in Maple Ridge.

I'm working on writing down all my feelings and experiences with the adoption reunion... maybe I'll put it all in a book, one day?

That's all for now. I'm not feeling very well... the couch, some jell-o and a few DVDs ought to put me right to sleep. *snortle*

Ali's comin' up. w00t!

Continued from the 17th...

After the yard sale, dinner and re-arranging furniture last night, all my fears and expectations weighed in and took their toll on my tired mind. I felt overwhelmed, anxious, and absolutely deathly afriad of speaking to her today. Here ends my fantasy birth mother and begins a real human being. My REAL birth mother. I have no idea what to expect, and yet my fantasy birth mother is lingering in my mind with all of the expectations that fantasy includes. Those expectations don't mean that she is going to be the way I expect. The fear doesn't mean that there is actually anything to be afraid of. All they mean is that I have expectations, and that I'm feeling afraid. Period. End of story.

After those realizations, I was able to feel a bit better about things, not nearly so overwhelmed, not nearly so freaked out and out of control... I still felt afraid. I still had expectations, but I KNEW they didn't mean anything, and I could just let them be there... and then see what REALLY happened when we spoke.

I'm ready. Still afraid. Still full of expectations... but I'm ready.

This should have been posted on the 17th... but blogger would not co-operate until NOW. Grr.

Yard sale yesterday. After the amalgamation of two households by moving all my stuff out of storage, we had a lot of extra CRAP! Very tiring after being up until about 3AM with the play on Saturday and then the after-play get together at the director's house. Great bunch of people... talented AND fun. I'll miss them with the move to Vancouver. :-/

On Saturday afternoon just before I had to leave to get to the play setup, the social worker called me. My birth-mom had called her wondering how to get in touch with me, becuase she had called - she called last Monday and left a message with her mom's number on it. She has no phone. I dropped the ball somewhat and didn't call her back. I wrote, eventually, on Thursday night and mailed the letter on Friday. My excuse was that I didn't want to talk to my birth Grandmother first, I wanted to talk to HER first. Just an excuse. Since I had to leave the house in about 15 minutes, I asked if we could schedule something for Monday... I would be free, any time. We've arranged for me to call her at 1:00PM, at her mom's, today.

So many emotions have been running through me. Last night I FULLY realized what is going to happen to me today. Today, I am going to speak with my birth mother. I am actually going to hear HER voice on the phone and get to know how she expresses herself, whether she likes me or not... though I'll always have doubts on that front, I'm sure. I never really believe *anyone actually likes me. Not completely, anyway. I'm pretty sure this stems from being adopted. I have no idea what else will come of this conversation... we'll learn tons about each other, I'm sure.

Been figuring out what to do about the logistics of moving. Getting stuff out of storage before the 13th so as not to have to pay for another month, figuring out packing and when/how to move things from my brother's place to M.'s place, figuring out how to get cheap/free paint to paint my bedroom there before I leave.... all before the end of the month, while fitting in several rehersals and performances of "Eat Your Heart Out" with the Emerald Pig Theatrical Society as well as attending seminars and pottery classes.

Whew!

Not to mention finding work.

I have also finally heard from Family Services about my b-mom. I now know that this summer I was probably right accross the street from where she lives during my travels to the Kootenays.

Amazing.

I don't know if I'm pushing the impact of this news down or if the biggest impact (aside from actual contact with her) hit when I was informed that they'd found her, and that I have a full sister and a half sister...

So much to think about there, but I'm trying hard not to OVER think it - I don't want to stick any huge expectations on the meeting or on who she is, who they are, how I'll fit in, if I'll fit in... but I really can't help doing it. At least I realize that all they are is 'expectations' and they are no indication of what the reality will be.

Busy weeks ahead even without a job, though money will become an issue fairly soon. *sigh* Why can't I just be paid millions just to be the wonderful human being that I am? *cough*

How different has life turned out to be than I thought it would last March? I was ready to buy my own place/give up everything and travel/be on my own forever and ever amen.... and none of that has happened. I'm still changing and growing... I still miss George at times - mainly because his new woman has taken him away from me and made him see it as "weird" that we would still be friends. He made the choice to tell me how weird he now thinks it is, though... ah well. I vow to not initiate contact this time... but to wait and see what happens. He'll always have a friend here should he need one but the energy I've been putting into maintaining our friendship is costing me too much... up to him, now.

Instead of remaining single and becoming an old maid, I met M. He changed my mind about the being single thing by being so much like me. We share opinions, beliefs, hobbies, dreams..... so much.... and we're both at the same place in life. Not to mention that I think he's gorgeous. ;-) Big blue eyes, dark hair with big, loose curls, thick dark mysterious eyebrows, oh-so-kissable lips.... I could go on but I'm sure I already have at some time in this blog and I'd just be repeating myself. ;-)

Being engaged still doesn't seem real to me... I don't think it will seem real until we go and pick up our mural... is it just pre-engagement jitters? Is it the fact that life, once again, is upside down? The difference this time is that I know and can see the direction that I am headed. I know what I have accomplished by 2010. It's not just fluff any more.... though I still sit in inaction and don't go for it hardcore as I would like to be. Fear. Wimpy-ass fear. I can and will overcome it. I can and will accomplish something towards my future goals TODAY.

Better get on that. ;-)

Not feeling very motivated to find a new job this past week. Still not motivated to go out THIS week, either. Too much else going on. :-/

I'll be moving at the end of this month. Since M. and I will be engaged, my criteria for moving in together is satisfied and I will be moving back to Vancouver to share space with him and wonderful upstairs neighbours/landlords, too. I will miss this place, however. The yard rocks for Rainy, the house is cozy and sweet. The kitchen is large and functional... but I *will* have all my own kitchen supplies again, that'll make things better than they are there, now. ;-) We will also be able to paint and make it fun, funky and cozy the way I've made my room, here. Have to ask my roomies if they want me to paint that room back to beige (blah) before I go, or leave it as is. We shall see.

Things to do this coming month:

Find a job. Meh.
Do lighting for play. Whee!
Move things out of storage and into Vancouver.
Move me to Vancouver.
More pottery.
Make Soap. (I got a soap making kit for Christmas - belatedly yesterday...) and I just bought a great book from Value Village on soap making from scratch. Looks awesome and I plan to make lots. Expect soap, knitting (possibly) and pottery as Christmas gifts this year, folks. That's all you're getting!

Had a good visit with Mom learning and practicing the knit stitch for knitting... purl? perl? pearl? comes next... ;-) I'm slow and I add and drop stitches occasionally, but practice makes perfect. I have my Grandma's knitting needles and her knitting bag. It's very pretty, wicker-ish thing with bright coloured flowers all over one side. Very 60's my Mom says... Dunno, I wasn't around for those.

After the Mom and Dad visit, I went over to my honourary aunt and uncle's place. They're more like great friends of mine than friends of my Mom and Dad's... we talked about life, my Mom, my Dad, my wonderful M and a whole host of other things. We ate freshly baked scones and had tasty soup and when I wondered why I was yawning so much and checked my watch discovered that it was 10 minutes to midnight and I'd been there since around 4:15!! Time flies when you spend it with wonderful people.

Hum. How much more haircut can I be? I'll stop now and post again when I'm more inspired.

Much has happened since last post.

I have completed the Landmark Education Advanced Course. Mind blowing... that's all I can say. That work is really helping me to focus on what is important to me in life. Happiness. Fulfillment. Community. I learned a new way to look at the future. I learned a new way to listen to people. I learned about who I have been being in my life. I learned that I'm not the follower that I always thought I was. I am a leader. Wow. Floored me, too... Just to name a few.

On Tuesday morning, M. and I went to visit Bob Kingsmill - a creative and talented potter whose work we both (especially me) fell in love with when we visited Granville Island a few weeks ago. We went to commission a clay mural as an engagement gift (instead of the evil diamond ring) - we asked him for one of his celtic knotwork arch ones - with horses involved and trees and water... it will be beautiful. He is not only wonderfully talented and creative, but he's a fantastic guy, too. I told him that I am becoming a potter, he asked me what I was working on - I told him I am "cylinder girl". He approved, saying there is so much to be learned from throwing cylinders. I agree. So far I've learned tons. He was jovial and relaxed and the whole experience was magical. Had we come a week earlier, we probably could have watched the piece bieng made! I'll go down and watch him build a different mural when he comes back next month.

I'm going to be doing the lighting for a local theatre company's production of Nick Hall's "Eat Your Heart Out" a romantic comedy being put on as dessert theatre by the Emerald Pig Theatrical Society for Valentine's Day. Sunday I'll attend my first rehersal of it and next week will bring the technical setup and rehersal learning how to operate the light board! I love volunteer work... you get to learn such cool things!

The Birth Mom thing is halted as I wait to hear back from Nila at Family Services... I hadn't heard anyting further so I called today to check on it. She'll call b-mom and find out where it stands... and let me know tomorrow. Hope all is still well. Hoping for the best. Prepared for the worst.

The job hunt has taken a new twist. Searching for an established functional-ware potter who is looking for an indentured slave. The way I see it is this: I really want to learn this stuff, to do it and be it from the depths of my soul. Clay is magical and I need to learn the skills to weave and work the magic. Being a waitress and potting on the side isn't going to do that. If you know of anyone... or anyone who might know of anyone in the Lower Mainland, BC... let me know. =) I only require enough income to pay rent, buy food and pottery supplies and occasionally visit my friends... and I will work long, long hours for it. Thursday next week my search at Granville Island will begin. March 6 (strangely enough my Birthday) I will be able to join the Richmond Potter's Club... inexpensive, studio use included, and pay per piece for firing. PLUS being exposed to a number of different potters, workshops, volunteer opportunites (kiln loading, glaze mixing etc) where I can learn tons, and get involved in the pottery community.

Life. Is. Good.

More later... new website to work on!

Yesterday. It was the last visit to work before becoming a pass-card-less person who needs to be 'escorted' around. There was cake. There was hugging. There were goodbyes. Felt great.

Yesterday. It was the visit to my parents' house last night so they could learn that I have dreads and learn that I have given notice at McKesson... and so Mom could tell me how dreads are horrible and I'm a failure and she's a failure because I am, and how nobody will hire anyone with dreads (she tells me they're called dreads because they're so dreadful looking) and she's so embarrassed by me that she doesn't want to be seen with me at the family memorial tea for Grandma next month, and how I've done nothing but hurt her my whole life, and how searching for my birth mother just means that she is even more of a failure with me and that my parents aren't good enough, how I'm going to end up living in a dumpster down by the old Woodwards building, and if I ever get my nose or eyebrow pierced she will never speak to me again because I'm just doing it to get attention and it makes her sick, and how she's going to always tell me just how unhappy she is with the things I do that are wrong... just to list a few...

I took all of this in, listening to her, not putting the blame on her or on me for the way she feels - denying that she's a failure, denying that I am a failure, telling her how much I love and appreciate her, how I always will. Telling her how I am happy with who I am. Happy with the world. Happy with life. It was tearful, intense and draining emotionally.

*I* know I'm a success. I know I turned out just great.

I wonder at my mother's insistance that everything is wrong all the time and how "what might happen" is something to be worried about and afraid of... how can she live like that? I have an idea of why... Probably because she just can't see any other way to be... it's too frightening to think about. Even though she is living in hell, it is a familiar hell... I've been there... it's hard to let go of the familiar, no matter how much we're suffering. It's hard to take a step towards breaking the ties that bind us to the familiar... it's so hard to let go of the reasons we use to justify staying where we are, hating life and blaming ourelves and others for our unhappiness.

I choose to be happy, now. I choose a happy life! There is no reason not to except those we make up for ourselves.

Wednesday night's pottery class went better than I remember! Perhaps it's my new dedication to getting down to perfecting the basics and my dream of really making it as a potter that has fueled this amazing improvement. I'm excited. More cylinders!

Thursday was start the dreads day! I now have nappy, temporarily waxy, dreads. It took 5 hours and a lot of Knotty Boy dread wax. I'll tell you one thing, it absolutely hurt more than getting my tattoo did. The sectioning and backcombing took the longest and was a bit sensitive, but when it came time to pull and twist the wax into the new dreads from the ROOTS to the TIPS - my sensitive scalp was screaming. It's still tender. So for now, they're waxy and soft... but I'll continue my maintenance of rubbing and twisting them whenever I get the chance, and in a few months or so, I'll have nappy-happy dreadlocks!

If anyone wants pics, I haven't taken any yet - but I could be inspired by email/irc/icq/posting in my guestbook... ;-)

So the news that floored me yesterday afternoon at around 4:20PM... My birth mother would love to meet me - and so would her whole family - they all know about my existence! I have a full sister who is 29, a half sister who is 21, 2 nieces 10 and 8 years old and a nephew 1 1/2 years old!! There is still some legal paperwork to go through on BMom's end before we can have contact, and I'm absolutely, completely, totally stunned.

I still haven't taken it all in - but I remember every detail of the conversation I had with the wonderful Nila in Family Services. I'm going to take this slowly and try to savour every detail... I don't want to rush anything and I want everyone involved to know that. And yet the other part of me is wild with wanting to up and drive to wherever they are and meet them all. The slow side wins, for now. ;-)

It's my last day of work here... and I don't know what is to come... I have my first pottery class tonight, dreads tomorrow and then the dentist on Friday.... (just to return to the mundane). ;-) I'll be dropping by work here on Monday - show off the dreads, drop off the corporate credit card... all that stuff. Wow. Bit of a let down... now that it's almost 4:00PM... Ross the boss told me a few days ago he'd get a cake today and it didn't materialize... he did come over and apologize - he says he feels bad about it - he asked me if we could do it Monday when I come in. Sure thing. I'll have my dreads, then... freak everyone out!

What a crazy, crazy life. Time to design (get help designing? *wink* *tickle*) a new web page and host it on epona.com again... Create! Create! Create!

Life is upside down and sideways and I'm loving it. The official word went out today at work - I'm leaving - won't they all miss me?! Wednesday this week will be my last day of work, that night I have my first pottery class, Thursday I have an appointment to start some knotty dreadlocks in my hair... and life goes on! I'll be back in the office for a short time on Monday - to sign some paperwork, show off my knotty new look and then mosey over to storage to see what can be sorted for donation/home/M's place. Then... I'll think about getting a job someplace. =) Home depot? Restaurants? I'll find something!

The letter I sent out to people here at work:


Hi everyone,

It is with only a slightly heavy heart that I write this. As you know, I am moving on to explore the possibility of a life outside the box. Though I never felt completely suited to the work here, I definitely enjoyed working alongside all of you and it is this aspect of leaving that tempers my joy with sadness. As cheesy as it sounds, I learned a lot during my time here - about life, about people and about myself - and I'm grateful for it. Thank you all for being part of that, I'm going take it with me as I enjoy this next adventure.

I don't have any definite plans, yet, but I do know that the future holds much more music, art and creativity and no more pager shifts. ;-)

Thanks again,

May whichever deity or belief you hold to be true give you strength and comfort.

//Heather




I was contacted the other day by Family Services... these are the people who have been searching for my birth mother for me. When I called them back, I found out that they think they've found her. I spoke with a wonderful lady named Nila who is going to be initiating the contact with her. The way it works is, they send her a letter asking her to call them - telling her only that they wish to speak with her about a person born in 1972. It is up to her whether or not she is okay with making contact with me. In the worst case, she will say "no" and I will then be able to go on from that point. Hopefully she will not say no... but if she does I am ready to deal with that possibility - I'm also ready to deal with the possibility of meeting the woman who gave me life so long ago ~ and being able to thank her for giving me life. What a life!! So many possibilities. So much to do! Fantastic!

So.... I actually did it yesterday. I told my Group Lead that I wanted to leave. I think he was really very relieved - because he didn't want to have to fire someone he likes and respects. He just feels that I'm not suited to this job. I'm cool with that. The level of stress around here has suddenly vanished for me... but so has any kind of motivation to actually WORK. ;-) I keep joking... "What are they going to do? Fire me?!" *giggle*

Anyway.. it's a slightly scary proposition, leaving one's job without having another one to go to... but in this case, I don't have any minimum expectations for a job... what I want is part time, flexible hours that'll let me bring home enough money to pay the rent, put a few hundred on the debt and eat. I'm working on reducing all extraneous expenses (hence getting rid of the cell phone) and I'm trying to live more simply.

I attended my first meeting of the Emerald Pig Theatrical Society last night - what a great bunch of people! After the brief meeting, we all did Improv for about an hour! SO MUCH FUN! I think I'm really going to enjoy working with them all... now to find a pottery studio I can work at/learn at in Maple Ridge and all will be well!

Something sad in all this wonderfulness - my Grandmother isn't long for this world. She's a strong lady... she's 93 and she's fought Cancer for a long time. My mother, I'm so proud of her, seems to have finally come to grips with the fact that her mother is going to be gone - she wants her to go and rest, in fact, and she's dealing so well with it all. I don't feel very close to my Grandma, but I do have an enormous amount of respect and love for her. I will be glad when she no longer has to suffer, and I will always have the memory of her spark and spirit and determination. I love you Mom. I love you Grandma. God Speed and go and enjoy your rest.

Just so's y'all know... I have cancelled my cell phone. I am free of the $$ per month! I am free of communications in between destinations! There are pay phones everywhere if I need them and I don't have to remember to charge them up. =) Plus... pretty much everyone else has a cell phone if I'm in dire need. ;-)

If you need my number and you don't have it, email me, icq me, contact me somehow and I'll give you the latest info.

Still haven't managed to actually put notice in at work - it's almost like I'm waiting for them to do it for me. I also don't want to lose my dental benefits just as I'm getting a night guard made. The dentist won't bill me for it until it's delivered on the 17th. Ah well. Whatever will be, will be. Que cera cera. C'est la vie.

I'll keep you all posted on the details. Honest.