Continued from the 17th...

After the yard sale, dinner and re-arranging furniture last night, all my fears and expectations weighed in and took their toll on my tired mind. I felt overwhelmed, anxious, and absolutely deathly afriad of speaking to her today. Here ends my fantasy birth mother and begins a real human being. My REAL birth mother. I have no idea what to expect, and yet my fantasy birth mother is lingering in my mind with all of the expectations that fantasy includes. Those expectations don't mean that she is going to be the way I expect. The fear doesn't mean that there is actually anything to be afraid of. All they mean is that I have expectations, and that I'm feeling afraid. Period. End of story.

After those realizations, I was able to feel a bit better about things, not nearly so overwhelmed, not nearly so freaked out and out of control... I still felt afraid. I still had expectations, but I KNEW they didn't mean anything, and I could just let them be there... and then see what REALLY happened when we spoke.

I'm ready. Still afraid. Still full of expectations... but I'm ready.