The desire for someone to dote on me. Someone to tell me that I make living worthwhile. Someone to touch me in a way that is so tender, so connected... someone to woo me, to seduce me, to pamper me, to look after me. To do the little things that I would appreciate so much... clean the sink, bring me flowers... it doesn't have to be much... it doesn't have to be every day... just once in a while... take me aside, look deep into my eyes, tell me how much I mean to you... do I mean something special to you? Please just tell me. Show me. It's not that I forget... it's just that I sometimes need to hear it again. I melt when I hear it. Make me melt?

The wonder diminishes, the connection fades so easily... I am the one who maintains it. It's hard work. I want some help. I want some relief. I want to be shown that I am appreciated. It does no good if it's all inside you... Despite my many other abilities... I still can't read minds. Or hearts.

I just want to cry for a bit. Maybe a powerful movie will do it... I need something to take my mind off of this, or I won't get any sleep tonight for pining. Finish the laundry in the morning. Wear the same underwear again tomorrow until I have some that is dry. Hahahaha! Incoherent. Time to get off the computer and stop looking here for what it cannot possibly provide.

What a strange feeling. I'm alone. M is away in Kaslo with our friends for the weekend... he has a four day weekend, lucky man. However... this leaves me at home after a rather disturbing dream in which I was being stalked and subtly attacked by someone from my past. He had spent all the time since I last saw him developing a machine and program which would completely take over my mind and cause me all sorts of suffering - without anyone else ever knowing or me being able to tell anyone about it. Now I feel compelled to search this guy out and take him to task on it. Or at least put my mind at ease that he's doing other things with his time. I'm sure he is. It was a long, long time ago.

Funny how my brain works. Or doesn't.

At least school is wonderful and I'm back focused on clay as the one thing I want to learn how to do better than I ever imagined I could.

The Big Five Personality Test

Extroverted	||||||||||||||	58%
Introverted	||||||||||||	42%
Friendly	||||||||||||||||	70%
Aggressive	||||||	30%
Orderly	||||||||||||	50%
Disorderly	||||||||||||	50%
Relaxed	||||||||||||	50%
Emotional	||||||||||||	50%
Intellectual	||||||||||||||	60%
Practical	||||||||||	40%

Take Free Big 5 Personality Test

Okay so I finished my homework and took this test for fun. I feel it was fairly accurate, all in all. ;-)

You are 44% geek

You are a geek liaison, which means you go both ways. You can hang out with normal people or you can hang out with geeks which means you often have geeks as friends and/or have a job where you have to mediate between geeks and normal people. This is an important role and one of which you should be proud. In fact, you can make a good deal of money as a translator. Normal: Tell our geek we need him to work this weekend. You [to Geek]: We need more than that, Scotty. You'll have to stay until you can squeeze more outta them engines! Geek [to You]: I'm givin' her all she's got, Captain, but we need more dilithium crystals! You [to Normal]: He wants to know if he gets overtime.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

I've figured out that I won't have time to update this journal frequently during the school year. I'll leave it here, in case I *really* need to vent, but I will be keeping the journal on this page updated as regularly as time will allow. I want a record of my journey through school and that will be it.

I haven't been too active in this journal for the past week... mostly because I'm journalling my school and creative experiences elsewhere - and this was my first week of school. Suffice it to say here that it has already been amazing - and I'm ready for the mind and soul expanding that is going to happen over the next year. The bank-account shrinking that is going to occur is the hard part. We shall see how I hold up in school... I will apply this week for one of the few student positions that is available.. but it's not certain that I will get one and I don't really want to work outside of the school environment while I'm actually IN school. Summer is different, but still not much.

Almost ready for school. No more E.I. for me - I went yesterday and cancelled it, because you can't get E.I. when you are going to school... at least not to Art School. ;-) At any rate, I have student loan money and RRSP money to use - I will still have debt, but it should be manageable - and I will definitely HAVE to get a job next summer, but I should be able to last until school is over with, at least. Maybe I'll have to get a job down at the mall or something. Heh. Now that would be funny. Me working at the little "Japanese" food court place or at Save-On-Foods. That would be okay, actually - I should apply there. Might be able to get a student janitor position at school, which would be perfect - so I don't have to travel to work every day. We'll see. We'll see.

Today is the day to do a few more things around here... finally (hopefully) finish the curtains for the bedroom. I just have no idea of how to really do them "properly" so I'm guessing every step of the way. It'll all work out, though. Have to go take the front rack off of my bike, too - it's getting in M.'s way every morning when he leaves for work. I was kind of bitter when he asked me to take it off again this morning, but really it's no big deal - so why get bitter about it? I'll just remove it.

Wine gets bottled tomorrow. By me. Yep. I'm making wine. Me who doesn't even DRINK wine. But I cook with it, and it's cheaper this way, and it'll make good Christmas gifts (for those who DO drink wine). Heh.

Been thinking alot lately about how to get funding to start a small arts-based business in Nelson. I'll be doing research online, try to find grants and government funding to start a studio/teaching/gallery space. It'd be amazing to have a little coffee shop/bookstore out of the space, too.... or next to it? I think I have to figure out how to make a business plan first of all -- then I can apply for funding or investors of some kind. I doubt I can manage to get a studio together on my own... but we shall see. Three years of school will put me in a bit of debt... (more than I have already) but it will also teach me TONS about what I need to know to both run a craft based business and to do the crafting itself.

I'm ready. Let's get started.

For fun... The Friday Five:

1. Are you going to school this year?
Yes. Damn, it still seems strange to type that. =)

2. If yes, where are you going (high school, college, etc.)? If no, when did you graduate?
Kootenay School of the Arts: Centre for Craft and Design

3. What are/were your favorite school subjects?
In high school they were Biology, English, Band, Art and P.E.. This being my first year at KSA, I have no idea what my favourite subjects will be, but I'll bet it'll be the clay studio.

4. What are/were your least favorite school subjects?
Math.

5. Have you ever had a favorite teacher? Why was he/she a favorite?
I've had a few "favourites". Grade 6. Mr. Jamieson. He'll always stick out as a teacher that was amazing. He was fairly new to teaching and hadn't yet been jaded by the system like all the other teachers that I'd had up until that point. He taught us games and played them with us, sang us songs that he wrote himself and inspired us to think globally and act locally. We went through all the garbage cans on the upper floor of our school and separated the recyclables, the compostables and the true garbage. We all went to McDonald's and left the styrofoam packaging on the counter saying, "No thank you, I don't want this part.". He had a contest to see who could keep an ice cube from melting for one day without using mechanical refridgeration - my friend Jan won and took me to McDonald's with her and "Dr. J". All in all, I remember him the most fondly.

My clay teacher Veronica at the Richmond Potter's Club was a beautiful and inspiring person - she moved from China, went to school in the Maritimes and made amazing and beautiful pottery - and she always had a ready smile, laugh and helping hand. I can't wait to hook up with her once I'm done with school... see what she's up to!

I wonder who will be my favourite at KSA? So much new to learn!

Home again and things are going well. There were some moments of angst as my "expectations" for what my greeting would be when I got home weren't "met". Stupid expectations. Having them and giving them power over me sure makes life miserable! I realize that I have a man who loves me VERY much. We talked yesterday... and it was good. Emotional needs are even more important that physical needs in my world - and even harder to meet. The problem is (I think) that part of me is still worried that this new life direction isn't "legitimate"... I feel guilty about the fact that I will be going to school for three years to learn to do something that I love to do. Pretty messed up, no? Pretty normal, too - considering the way I was brought up and the way I react to the world. "I'm wrong, everybody else is right." Is pretty much my normal state of being. I'm working on realizing and altering that. I can also hardly wait for school to start so that I have a more scheduled existence for a while. I"m ready to work hard at it and divvy up the household stuff. So's Matthew. He envies me going to school, but he totally feels it's legitimate. He rocks.

And on the weight loss front... things have slowed down (cuz I've been eating too much level two) but I am now down another 5 lbs! 170/150/140!! Ten more to go! I've been strictly level one the last two days and I will be for the next few weeks. No cheesecake, even - cuz I've found that slows my weight loss. I will make it just before school, however - cuz it's great to take in a lunch and I'll be walking to school every day. I do have to come up with something yummy to take for lunch. I wonder if the school has a microwave or something I can use to heat up a hot lunch? I guess we'll see.

It's way too early, but I'm going HOME! Approximately 14 hours and 15 minutes from now we should be pulling in to Nelson's Greyhound Terminal... as long as the forest fires don't change our route... otherwise, it'll be even longer.

Time for breakfast, load the cab and head on down to the bus station.

I'm looking forward to my own bed, my own home, my dog and my love. (not necessarily in that order).

Such strange dreams these last few days. All about sexual tension and all with people I have never had any feelings for in the past, including one woman. All the dreams were erotic but not explicit, I don't know if I've ever had an explicit dream. I think all my sex dreams have been the erotic variety. Charged with sexual tension, but never ever including even so much as a naked breast. I distinctly remember someone stroking my back oh-so-tenderly, gently up and down my spine. Setting me on fire. And kissing, lots of intense and passionate kissing. I wonder what brought these dreams on?

Missing Matthew? Oh yes. I think so. I'm going home tomorrow.

I'm feeling quite run-down after a week of city life. I must have caught a minor bug on the bus... ever since Wednesday night I've been feeling like a cold-bug is trying to beat me up. Every morning I wake up feeling better, but with a scratchy voice that tells me I'll feel worse by evening.

Despite this, I've done some shopping (new shoes, new climbing harness, new watch, new fleece pants) and have plans to hit the PNE... though what day, I don't know. Maybe I'll leave here on Tuesday, though I've been planning for Monday all along. That way I could PNE on Monday... but maybe I'll just go down there and sell my ride pass to someone else who can use it. I just want ot go to the PNE and see the shows, the prize home and the superdogs. Maybe grab a bite to eat, too. Heh. I could do those things by myself, even if it would be more fun with a group.

Still waiting to hear back from friend Arc and his cuter half about whether or not tonight or Sunday works for them best at Granville Island for the Wooden Boat show.

Busy, busy city. I want to go home soon and get some rest!

Wow - this blogger thing sure looks different on a MAC... I'm visiting in Vancouver and had a Grand Day Out with JJ - the 2 year old son of my friends and hosts - so they could clean and pack and just have an overall productive day. It was awesome. =) Lots of driving, and lots of traffic... man am I glad I live in Nelson, now - so peaceful.

At any rate.. I have to call Ari lest she think I forgot her so we can organize a dance night out. That ought to be fun!

Time to go eat dinner... I miss my love, my dog and my home in Nelson. Life is good.

A wonderful week with Ariosa in Nelson and now I'm heading down to Vancouver with her so I can go and help some friends of ours with their packing and moving to Kaslo. Whee. =)

We're working on the crap, by the way. I brought it up and we're both willing to admit we have crap. That's the first step. Being willing to admit that we need help with our crap is an awesome second step. We'll make it.

Sometimes I wonder why I put up with your crap. I know I have crap of my own, you sometimes put up with it and sometimes don't... sometimes my crap triggers yours or vice versa. Still, I sometimes wonder why I put up with your crap. There is so much positive in our lives for you to be so negative all the time. I care about you so much... I WANT you so much... but I don't feel that coming back from you, except ever so seldom and usually it's when I ask you to tell me, or show me... and even then it doesn't happen each time I ask. Why does my heart break when I look at you and feel so much desire for you? Because I don't think the feeling is reciprocated. Maybe it is, but I sure don't feel it. Why not? I look at a stranger, admiring a tattoo, or the line of a muscle... and I get more joy. That's not right. What can I do to stop feeling this way?

Friends and family galore invading our home... and I'm loving it. We went down to the lakeside today and swam and sunned and lolled and laughed. It was fun and relaxing. It's great when you live in a place that people come to for vacation. You get to spend time unwinding with all your guests. Anyone else want to come visit? We'll have a free bed in a couple of days... =) Ariosa and M's sister's family are here. It's nice to cook for people. Make ice cream for people. Go to Baker Street and Lakeside Park with people. Share the peace and small-town-ness with people. There are, however, three small forest fires burning in the near vicinity. They seem to be well in hand, so no worries. We'll keep checking the news to make sure we don't have to go anywhere. That'd suck. I'd best pay my insurance, now, hm? Tomorrow. For certain.

e. What fun.

Don't you just hate it when you're sitting there idling in IRC and suddenly an arm muscle you didn't even know you had starts twitching involuntarily? Sometimes it weirds me out, other times I try to figure out which muscle it is, just to have it stop twitching when I get close to figuring it out.

Ariosa is coming to visit me! Whee! She'll be here from the 9th until the ??th! We'll see how long she can handle us all here. We'll have other guests for part of the time, but she and I may just go play camp-out girls (or M and his neice will... we'll see). Anyway... should be wonderful fun.

I bought some school supplies today. First time in like... forever. Art supplies. Acrylics. Gouache. Conte. Things I had never heard of before that I will learn to use. Neat.

It rained today for the first time in at least a month... and the smell was incredible. You know that summer rain smell where the dry earth, plants and pavement just release the fresh incredible smell of "Thank you". I swear it's the earth having an orgasm after a long dry spell. Or maybe that's spring. Anyway it was awesome.

w00. Scale reads 155lbs today. That makes 5 more pounds lost. 170/155/140. It's slowed down a bit because I'm eating a few too many 'level two' meals. This week I went back to strictly 'level one' and things are progressing again. I think all that level one cheesecake kind of counts as 'level two'.

We were away in Kaslo this weekend, during Jazz fest, but not for it. Our friends have bought a lovely chunk of land there and are going through the hell of building a home. Not just any home, though - a timber frame home. I love timber frame. We met the timber framer that they will likely use if the money works out the way they hope and he's really neat. A true, honest to goodness, free spirit. He lives in a cabin in the woods with his wife - and it doesn't have a toilet... but it does have a lovely outhouse with a view of the creek. I hate outhouses, but I liked his. I guess it's just public outhouses that I hate. Kind of like public washrooms, though I don't have nearly the angst about those that I do about outhouses. I always feel like something is hiding in the dark down there waiting to try and crawl up and snatch me. Heh. But not in a good way. They have buff orpington chickens that are very happy and healthy looking and a garden of veggies surrounded by a tall fence to keep the deer out. I want.

The weekend was tough for me, partly because I feel out of place amongst the talented and wealthy enough to buy property and build a house couple that we went with... I feel like they're Matthew's friends, not mine... but it's not true. I also started bleeding at the beginning of their visit AND was being strict with my diet while all around me there was ice cream and pizza. Every day. Bastards. I was also fighting with some expectations that Matthew would act differently towards me, coddle me more, baby me more... snuggle me more, hold my hand more... things that to me mean that he loves me. How stupid. He loves me. He tells me, when I ask... when I wonder if I'm just in the way and he'd rather be alone with the couple... he tells me he wouldn't want to be there without me. Being there with me is what makes it. Instead of sulking and letting the grumpies set in, I just have to ask. I wish I didn't have to ask, though... *sigh* Expectations rule my world. At least I'm aware of it.

Got my welcome package for school in the mail yesterday. Today I will go out and price the supply list that they sent me at the two stores in town where I can get supplies... and then buy them at the cheapest place. I should figure out a budget so I know how little money I will have, too. Gah. I think I'm going to have to try to find a part time job. Harder than it sounds around these parts.

Off I go to price things. And put laundry away. And stuff.

I'm a generally unfuckwitted, liberal, not-too-generous, not-too-selfish, relatively well adjusted human being!
What are you?
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Welcome to my haircut blog. My back pain is minimal now, more a discomfort, really - and I was able to hobble on down to StreetFest for the remaining two days. The ill-gotten gains: A didgeridoo for me and one for Matthew, a flute and a quena for me, a loon call for Matthew and a sarong set for me. It's tie dyed two shades of blue - very beautiful and the sarong is so comfy. I'm going to make a few of my own. How easy!

In other news... another 5 lbs gone! I'm now down to 160. Hooray! I told you I'd only post every 5 lbs... and if I only post every week or so... this means you get weight news every 2 posts... well so be it! I made a 'legal' cheesecake yesterday.... my first attempt at something 'sweet' for a desert treat. It's yummy. I think it tastes great, M thinks it's a bit 'tart' for his taste... I guess not having sugar for 3 weeks will make anything taste sweet. Heh. I'll be making curried chicken at home tonight, though I discovered a new Indian restaurant in town! I'll have to check them out... no rice for me, though. This weight loss thing is working. I'm not going to mess with it. I want to be the same weight I was at 23. So far so good.

I finally got off my butt and worked with clay today. I built a coil pot that I will hopefully grow some herbs in over the winter. It's simple and wobbly, but it's my first one since about grade 3. I can't wait for school to start.

I'm tired, though... there's been a heat wave here the last week or so - it's been around 37 degrees Celsius every day. I'm enjoying it, but I think it's nap time... or soap milling time... we'll see.