Hi Mark. =)

Much rant-ness yesterday... and more to building, but not today. This has been a lazy day, making Nanaimo Bars, organizing some of the stuff that I've moved and getting my computer Return-to-Castle-Wolfenstien-Gaming-ready. Did a little web research for my mom on some antiques she has, and generally relaxing. Definitely needed a day like this after the move last weekend. So far, knock on wood, the pager has not gone off.

I see George at work, but I don't talk to him much. It's like we are brother and sister or just 'work acquaintances', now... except I remember what makes him shudder and close his eyes in extacy. :-/ The missing him hasn't hit me bad at all, it's strange and I'm not really waiting for it to happen or dreading it or *anything*... I've got lots of other things to focus on for myself. I wonder if he'll find someone or just get immersed in gaming again, and keep living at his parents. ;-) Every time I've talked to him when he's been at home, he has been helping his Dad with the computer. That will drive him mad after a while, but.... whatever. The true test will come when one or the other of us finds someone new... then we'll see how actually "over" him I am. Time will heal it all.

At any rate... more to do, things to download, pack, organize, clean... dinner with "aunt and uncle" tonight. Mmmm... garlic prawns ala Dad. Gotta love not being the only cook in the house!

Listening to the radio and hearing about alleged Israeli War Crimes. Using Palestinians as human shields, deliberately shooting women and children, crushing a paralyzed man in his home even though the family tried to get a few more minutes to get him out, shooting a man in a wheelchair with a tank and then running over his body in the road... his wheelchair with a white flag still attached to it...

I don't know. It all sounds SO horrific... and yet, I can't help but feel that were the Israelis the "popular" side, that there would be no mention of these alleged war crimes. Instead the Palestinians would be accused with the same charges and more. The popular press today seems to have it in for the Israelis. I've always had good memories of any Israelis I've ever met... They were always resourceful, polite and caring people. Some had lived on Kibbutz there, and that life sounded wonderful for the soul. Working the land, studying their religion and living communally.

One problem I have with the term "War Crimes" is that it only ever applies to the "losing" side. The Americans, Canadians, British in World War II. If the Allies had lost that war, there would have been accusations of "War Crimes" galore from the Axis side. Another is that this is WAR we are talking about here... what the hell does anyone expect? If we were truly civilized, there would be no war. It's a violent and dirty business and it is fought against ENEMIES.

dictionary.com says:

en·e·my Pronunciation Key (n-m)
n. pl. en·e·mies
One who feels hatred toward, intends injury to, or opposes the interests of another; a foe.

A hostile power or force, such as a nation.
A member or unit of such a force.
A group of foes or hostile forces. See Usage Note at collective noun.
Something destructive or injurious in its effects: “Art hath an enemy called Ignorance” (Ben Jonson).

adj.
Of, relating to, or being a hostile power or force.

Since we are human, and as humans we unfortunately get involved in a lot of horrible conficts called wars, we make enemies of our foes. Nobody is nice to their enemies... whatever for? Enemies abuse and use and pillage and destroy each other. That's what enemies do. So to make it a "war crime" to be human in this way strikes me as completely ridiculous.

I am not saying that the things these people are doing are right or good or moral or any of that, but face it, they are acting in times of war. If we truly want to prosecute "war crimes", we must prosecute the entire act of war. Period. Make WAR criminal, and then you'll have my vote for prosecuting war crimes. Until then... "it's okay to kill the soldier of your enemy, but not the women of your enemy" makes no sense to me at all.

Feeling good and bad about being here at my parents' house. It's strange... I could never stand to come here because my mom would nag me and bug me and generally make me feel like a child. I was dreading the way it would beel to be here all the time with her. I wondered if we'd drive each other mad, or if when she saw my tattoo she would freak out (that is yet to come, I'm sure I'll still get the freak out on that one). Now I think that my Mom has really been stifled all these years, at least in some ways. She may not ever agree that me getting a tattoo is okay for me even if it's not for her, but she's really being supportive about me moving home. I think she likes to have someone besides Dad to talk to... but also, I think Dad used to make her do things his way, and she'd give in, because her Mom never let her Dad do anything with the kids his way... and now she's standing up to my Dad some. She was the one who made the choice to let me come live here, she gives up her car to me to use to get to work, she helps me make space to put things and helps me put things away... she's been incredible.

I'm gaining a new respect for my Mom through this. I know it's only been a few days, but even before the move she was very helpful and cleared space for my clothes and bathroom stuff in the upstairs bathroom. She's been awesome. I wish I could share everything about my life with her... so she could read this blog... but there are some things that I don't think she's ready to know. I'll hide the tattoo as long as possible. I don't want to shock her. That's not what my tattoo is for... maybe after a few months we'll be close enough that I can reveal it without giving her a heart attack... and maybe not.

We shall see.

My Dad still doesn't seem to want me here all that much. He is kind of putting up with me. He does have quite a bit to put up with since I invaded his computer room to sleep in... and I think he'll come around eventually. We went for a walk with the dog tonight and he was cool... I think things like that will help him feel more comfortable. Time will tell, but so far I think it's going well.

Dinner at the Boathouse TOMORROW. Yum. My favourite.

Ahhhh.... my own baby back online where she belongs. What a fight to get TCP/IP to clear it's old settings! I finally just uninstalled and reinstalled the protocol. Call me crazy, but it worked. Better than fscking with it all night long.

So things are settling in to "normal" around here... few more weeks and it will be just like home. I miss being downtown, but not all that much. There are great views here, great parks, and Rainy has a backyard to play in. That's my goal for us. I'm going to buy my own place with a backyard just for she and I to enjoy with friends. =)

I'm kind of numb about Geroge. I don't know what to think about us, anymore. He still calls me for little things and I still call him for computer won't get on the network troubleshooting help... but we aren't "going out" anymore. We're not living together anymore. We're just... "friends". What the hell does that mean, anyway? How the hell do you DO that with someone you've been sexual with for the past 2-3 years? I dunno. But somehow it seems to be working. My feeling is that it will all fall apart when one or the other of us finds someone new. I know it will be him, first... because I want my house before I go getting involved with anyone. Could be a few years.

MaybeI really should get some rechargable batteries for my i-brator. ;-)

Dinner at the Boathouse on Thursday at 6:30. Yum. My favourite.

So I still don't have my computer networked here at the parental units' house... but at least it's set up. Just need to grab one of those extra-long spare network cables from work tomorrow... and I'll have it strung up in no time tomrrow after work. Dunno how I'll play RTCW from here with my monitor sitting on the dresser and my keyboard and mouse on my lap... I'll have to rig something up. Maybe I can get one of those fold-up TV tables to use for the mouse, at least. What a mess! I may be the official cheerleader of QGirlZ if this keeps up, instead of a regular player.

This keyboard hurts my forearms. I want my pooter online. :-/ Soon... soon...

On a lighter note...

Never transport your personal i-brator with the batteries installed. Just don't. I couldn't remember where I'd stashed mine, but found out at a potentially embarassing moment. My parents had gone to bed and I was carrying the last of my bags upstairs. I was just rounding the corner by my parents' bedroom door when something starts buzzing and rattling VERY loudly inside one of the 5 bags I was carrying. At first I thought my phone was going off.... but then the buzzing continued for an extended period of time and got louder and more insistent. Luckily my parents are either deaf or were listening to the radio because no one came out to question me as I dropped 2 of the 5 bags and made a mad dash upstairs to silence the deafening roar of my i-brator. ;-) Time for bed. Long drive in the morning.

So the poem isn't for your consumption. It's too risque! Perhaps when I get around to developing my own webspace, I'll fill you in..

I tried to post something about being offline for a few days on Friday before I tore down my compter and desk and everything for the move. But of course blogger wasn't working at all.. so I'm almost back. Using my dad's ancient, slow beastly machine with the "excellent quality" 15" monitor that he bought 6 years ago. Silly Dad. He doesn't want to use my 19" Sony G400 flatscreen... cuz he says he has a good monitor. The screen flicker is atrocious on this thing... but I think I may be able to convince him... we'll see.

At any rate. I'm more tired than I've been in a long time and I have to get up for work in 8 hours. (called in late - supposed to be there at 6). Ugh.

Less mundane haircut blogstuffz when I have my brain back. Maybe.

Poem on the way. I can feel it building. I love when that happens.

Today’s Wanton Wednesday:

Find 5 things about yourself that you like. I’m going for physical attributes here, but inner ones are good too. The reason I’m asking for physical things because I’m using myself as a model for today’s WW and I know I can easily find 5 inner things about myself that I don’t hate – it’s learning to accept my outer shell that I need to work on.

1. My eyes. They're a very interesting colour of green, lighter in the middle with dark around the outside. Emotions affect the intensity of the green. Guess what it means when they're dark and vivid green? Guess what it means when they're soft and mellow green?
2. My lips. Not as full as Kimli's but I (and others) think they're kissable.
3. My bum. I have one. It's round. I like it.
4. My hair when it's long and clean and behaving. I have a lot of it and love to tousle it up.
5. Inner self-wise. I like that I'm finally getting to know me and to stand up for who I am.

Wow. What a weird morning. I was in an emotional funk that I just couldn't break out of - hence that earlier post. Maybe it was not meeting Maya Angelou last night (maybe tonight after her talk..) ... maybe it was the stupid dreams about George and I being together and then me seeing him with someone else. Or the stupid dreams where I approached him sexually and he rejected me, or the stupid dreams where EVERY guy I approached sexually or otherwise rejected me. Meh. Everyone at work was in some strange kind of funk, too. It was positively surreal. Eventually, thankfully, it passed.

I have tomorrow and Friday off to hit the packing horse hard. Moving day is Saturday.

I wonder if there are men who are sensitive, feeling people. Men who don't just want sex from women. Men who want to know who the woman is before jumping in the sack with her. Men who are like women in that regard. I wonder.

Whew. Glad that night of pager hell is over. 8 hours at work on a weekend... from 10:30 at night until 6:30 in the morning. Yerg. On the upside I got to sleep all day and now I'm in packing mode again. Just FYI: shakes has a sexy belleh.

Too tired to troubleshoot anymore. Too tired to think. But I must.

So frustrating.

So it's four in the morning and I'm at work. Go pager! This has been a fairly busy shift, but I've proven my dedication by coming in to the office both days of my weekend. Today was more necessary -- one of the hubs had a UPS failure and made all the computers on the other side of it inaccessible. Bad. Bad. Very bad. Especially considering I was in the middle of troubleshooting what got me here in the first place when it died. That was at 11pm yesterday.

I'm getting to that point where my head is spinning and I want nothing more than to go to sleep. I told George to climb into the bed and sleep there, cuz I probably won't be home until late, and I'd just wake him up. So I'll crash on the floor mattress until he gets up around 7:30 -- or maybe I'll just be getting home, then!

George's Mom rocks. She's the most open and sweet and wonderful person. It's no wonder George is so honest and straightforward. I spoke to her on the phone today and she told me that I am always welcome in their home. That I will always be part of their team and to come over any time - whether George is there or not and that if I ever need any help - just to ask. =) Made me get all teary-eyed. She is a very dear person whom I would love to have in my life for many years to come. I let her know that they can always call on me if they need help of any kind, too.

Long talks are good. Discovering what each other is feeling is good. The worst part is, the closer I feel to George, the more I want him. I realize how much that would defeat the purpose of going it alone for a while, though. I will build my life with no thought to who else might be sharing it in the future. The only consideration another human gets is the consideration I have shown myself by trying to become a "whole person". If another "whole person" should come along to share my life, well then we'll see what transpires. Until then... I want to finally live my life for my own future. Build my own security. Have my own adventures.

I repeat myself and repeat myself in this Blog... but sometimes that's what it takes to make sure I understand all of what I'm trying to do and get it all into my head, heart and soul.

So, "Nyah!" In the immortal words of Eddie Murphy, "It's my house! If you don't like it, get the fuck out."

Meh.

Pager is still crazy... but I'm done for now... *fingers crossed*

Sometimes I want to be so mad at George for not believing in what we had... but he never lied to me about how he felt. He was never sure I was the one. He never told me he was going to love me forever or that he would want to marry me one day. He always said he didn't know. How can I be mad when I've come so far personally in the years that we were together? How can I be mad when I know that I will go further in life now on my own, just becuase I knew him and we shared time and thoughts and respect with each other? I am grateful for his honesty, but sometimes... I just want to be able to be legitimately angry and upset with him when my heart is breaking. It's so difficult to part under these circumstances... not having the huge blowup that is so characteristic of the end of so many relationships (almost all of mine :-/ ) It will take a long time for me to gain closure. Through no fault of her own I am going to HATE the person he dates next. I'm sorry, whoever you are. Forgive me, I'm just jealous that he thinks you're worth the effort and I'm not. :-/ *sob*

Ahhhhh.... pager shifts. It started at 8:15 this morning and has been rocking ever since. I think I'll try to go away from my computer for a bit on this lovely day... before I have to spend the night packing and taking more pager calls. Ah well. It'll pay for the move.

He's home. I picked him up at the airport around noon. He'd only had 4 hours sleep, he's brown and he brought me a lovely fresh flower lei. He also brought back with him some of the pain of us not being a couple anymore. At times I just want to take his chin in my hands, turn his head towards mine and give him a deep, soulful, lingering kiss. I want to stir up the same desire in him that lives in my heart and mind and body and make him respond to me. I want to touch and clutch and grab and moan... and I know I cannot.

I even had a dream last night where I attempted to do that... and in it he turned me down. That was only a dream, but I fear that the reality would be similar. Only because he appears to be stronger than I am at resisting the desires that we both have.

Oh my heart, oh my soul.

Why must he doubt? Why must I make myself feel unloveable because of it? Meh.

The description of the night and dress codes that piss me off:

We went to go for sushi and ended up running into Maho from work. We joined her and some others at the Yaletown Brewery (where there was a veritable cougar-fest going on) and we had some fun playing with the new service laptop and "testing the wireless connection" by surfing for movie times. We had fun there and then tried to hit Ginger 62 on Granville, but unfortunately weren't up to the "dress code". Dress codes piss me off. I don't think I want to be a part of a world with dress codes... though I geuss there can be benefits such as no naked greasy old men running around the office. The thing that pisses me off is that just because you wore sandals, you are automatically "rejected" as "not good enough". Maybe I'm reading too much into it... but I don't think so. It's a power thing. Lording something over someone else because they're different. Possibly I don't much like dress codes because I don't often dress to what one would require. My personal dress code is one of function over fashion. Comfort over style. I don't plan to change it for anyone.

Clubbing really isn't my thing, anyway. I don't often drink, I don't smoke and I enjoy actually being able to carry on a conversation that isn't composed of yelling. Once in a while going to a place with fun house music or some sweet drum'n'bass can lift my spirits and allow me to really let loose. That's fun. I don't often really need to let *that* loose, though. I'm a fairly relaxed and balanced kind of girl.. despite what my blog archives may show! Consider that I do not need alcohol to let loose and say or do just about anything. I don't require drugs to remove my inhibitions. The inhibitions I have are pretty much at the level of people who have had 2 or 3 stiff drinks for the most part, yet I retain the judgement that allows me to not go overboard and the ability to legally operate a motor vehicle. ;-)

The many bonuses to this approach.

1. It's really cheap to have fun.
2. No hangover.
3. I stay well hydrated (drink lots of water)
4. I remember the entire night.
5. Most people assume I'm drunk when I say something outrageous so I get away with it anyway.
6. No empty calories from alcohol.
and many, many more!

I don't undestand some people's NEED to go out with the express purpose of "getting shitfaced" every Friday and Saturday night. It's not that I disapprove of alcohol, it's that I just don't see the real need for it. If I can be uninhibited without it, anyone can. They just have to LET themselves. I don't pretend to understand the reasons that people love to drink so much. I don't even vaguely understand the "badge of honour" that there seems to be in telling a story about how totally shitfaced you got and then puked all over your neighbours dog. I mean.. how wonderful?! Why? Can anyone tell me what the fascination with the overconsumption of alcohol is? Why is it so "cool". I just don't see it.

I'm tired and the rants just keep coming. Probably in no semblance of order.

Sleep now.

Whew!

Worked an hour late to troubleshoot (and help solve - YAY!) a strange problem. Somehow the administrator password on the server at a customer site was changed or corrupted ?! Nothing could launch from anywhere, because it all uses that account! Very strange. But fixed for now.... almost 2 hours after the initial call, though it could have gone much longer.

Drove to Tisol to get some boxes for moving that they had kindly flattened and saved for me. My ex-co-workers rock.

Drove to MEC to buy camping gear to maintain my sanity this summer! Living with my parents will mean that we'll both need a little space to maintain our relationships. I figure weekend backpacking outings on my part are the perfect way to get it. I got a gorgeous tent (in gold) an incredible backpack (in green - wanted blue but they were all out) and miscellaneous other sundry items to make camping safer and more enjoyable. I have a few more things to get, most importantly boots.. but I want Merrell, so I have to look elsewhere than MEC.

Is this the consumer blog-link-fest from hell? Why, yes it is!

I'm a happy camper. Heh. Heheheh.

George's plane had trouble with the pilot's seat, so they're getting a part flown in to Hawaii from Vancouver... so he's not going to be home until tomorrow morning sometime. He'll let me know. I think he's happy to be coming home to Vancouver. I was dreading his coming back, somewhat... because I've grown used to being on my own here and the time away has really helped me put things in perspective emotionally. I wondered if the pain would all come flooding back again. It might. There is a distinct likelihood that it will. But the great thing is. The wonderful thing is... I will survive it. I'm stronger than I've ever been. I have purpose. I have desire. I have me.

On a strange and unrelated side note: "Hi Dave! Hope you and Mike enjoy the new apartment when you move in." =)

I was playing with my camera tonight and here is the result:

Big version
Little version. (for the bandwidth impaired)

Cool.

Here’s the Wanton Wednesday question for today:

What hurts you good?

Right now my "hurts so good" feeling is emotional. George and I splitting up hurts like crazy. But I know, deep down, when I really dig for it through the tears of weakness and loss that sometimes attack me, that this is the *oh-so-very-right* decision. When I make the emotional tide turn from deep self-doubt and fear to a feeling of growth and strength and self-reliance. That hurts SO good.

That drive to Richmond from Langley is going to be a killer. Mom gave me a suggestion for a route, but I think my way will be faster and easier to drive. Her way was fun and twisty... but not something I want to do when I'm half asleep at 5:30 in the morning. ;-) At any rate... I have more boxes and now it's time for bed.

~Heather

I've read my daily blogs, but I have no time to post anything in mine. Review day for me tomorrow. I didn't think of the cookies and beer aspect... that might really have helped! Ah well.. too late now. I hear the raises aren't anything to sing about, anyway... I'd like one! Over here! Pick me! I hope for a raise, but don't expect much. Ah well.. nobody with any clout at work reads this, anyway. ;-)

Off to deliver things to the parental units' house.

So much to do... but first thing's first. Sleep.

What will hurt the most is when he finds someone new.

Thinking about it makes me realize how NOT fine with this I am. Yet. I feel fine for the most part. I don't cry like a little baby at the thought of him not being with *me* anymore, though if I'm feeling wimpy to begin with it can get to me... Get me thinking along the lines of him finding a new lover and my soul breaks into a thousand tiny razor-sharp shards that tear up my insides where my heart used to be and make me let out a pathetic psychic wimper and a few slow, painful tears. I guess I'll know I'm over him when that thought doesn't hurt anymore.

This will take a while, but I'll make it one day.

Vagina Monologues made me laugh and it made me cry. I was moved beyond words and into tears by the performance. I've never been so moved by a live play performance. . I love my vagina. I love the Tripple Orgasm Surprise Moan. Well done MacKenzie Phillips! Lisa Tharps rocked, Geneva Carr was outstanding and all three performances were excellent.

I'm running out of boxes. I think that's a good sign that I'm making progress, because I can't really see any other signs... Yegads, still so much to pack. Maybe there are flattened boxes in the cardboard bin downstairs... I think I'll go check while I'm on this "filling the boxes" roll. I have to pack a few different kinds of boxes. The kind that are going into the storage space that I rented today and the kind that are going with me to my new temporary digs at Mom and Dad's.

Computer.
Music.
Clothes.
Toiletries.
Dog supplies.
Electronics.

Some of this stuff I can load in the car and take over there after work this week. I can also load things in the car in the morning to go to storage. That sounds like a plan. Wee. Watch me making the boring strategic moving plan on my blog. Meh.

The mundane tasks are taking over my life! At least tomorrow I will go with Ali to see The Vagina Monologues at 2:00. Culture? Bring it on! I hope it makes me think. I like entertainment that does that. From what I hear, it will.

I'll letcha know.

I still love George even though I know we aren't "right" together right now. The hardest part of this split and remaining friends will be seeing him with someone else when that happens. I'm sure it will, someday. How to be happy for him when I still consider him "mine" in that way? I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.. just as he may have to cross it at some point if I meet someone else. How come it always seems like the other person is having a much easier time of it than I am? How realistic is that perception? How irrelevant is my thinking right now?

I have packing to do. And...... ACTION!

Feels like I accomplished something. Not sure if that's true or not what with the state I'm in.

This blog is tending towards inane blather. I don't know if I have a remedy for that or not. let's see...

What do I believe in? Myself. Do I believe in God? Not sure, really. A higher order perhaps, but not really a supreme being. I believe we are all connected, and that is why we should be good to one another. I don't think we have to be good because we'll "go to Hell" if we're not and "go to Heaven" if we are... rather I have a more personal sense of connectedness to my fellow planet-mates that makes me feel a sense of responsibility about how I act towards them. I would hope that they have it for me, too.

The world that I live in today does not so much lack self respect as it lacks regard for others. If we held each other in higher regard it would make the world a better place. A safer place, too. If we held strangers in higher regard, perhaps we would be more willing to help them out when we saw that they were in trouble and vice versa. Whether they just dropped something from their purse or pocket accidentally, or if they're having a seizure in the middle of the sidewalk. In either case, too many people these days just look the other way and think, "It's none of my business". If we held each other in higher regard, we would have a slower, more relaxed pace of life. The rush, rush, rush of "get out of MY way" would become a more peaceful and communal commute. The way we think about how we go about relating to others would change. We would no longer be trying to "take" the other guy for whatever we could get, but we would try to make sure we gave them the best service/product/smile/ handshake/whatever that we possibly could. The reciever of this service/product/smile/ handshake/whatever would also be grateful and hold our actions in higher regard. It's a beautiful system, in a perfect world. This world isn't perfect. Far from it. And we are only human. Oh so human.

Is it the emotional baggage that we hold on to that covers up and blocks this feeling of regard and respect for others from coming through? Are we made bitter by what happened to us in our childhoods and later years, or are we just born with "ME ME ME" in our hearts? Maybe it's a process of past lives... do we learn regard for others over time and many lives and experiences, or do we have it as a blissful innocence upon being created as a soul, and then bury it in bitterness living a score of lives dealing with those who do not have it only to gradually gain it again as a form of enlightenment before moving on to a different plane of existence?

However it works, I want more of it in my life. I give it freely and see what happens.

Whoa. This time of month leaves me disconnected with the world. I feel as though I could sleep another 9 hours... and perhaps I should, but I do have a lot to do. So far I'm not getting much of it done mind you, and I have to go back to work on Monday.

I'll try to focus for a few hours and see what I can accomplish. At least put the clean clothes away and pack up some of non essential items. Where do you start when you pack for storage and just bring a few essential things with you to your parents' house? Maybe I should go arrange storage... but I can do that tomorrow. I just need to make a plan of how to execute my plan of moving to my parents' house and putting everything in storage. I must pack.

Disconnected. Disjointed. Sleepy. The world's colours don't look the way they usually do. Things are darker and more sinister, though non-threatening.

Weird.

Ugh. The joys of body-regulated ovulation. I start bleeding... TODAY! Did I know this? Not really. Did I suspect this? Well actually, from the bloating and tiredness, yes I did... but I thought for sure I was wrong! It's only a few days earlier than last month and that was regluated up to a point. Once the astounding conversation of a month ago tomorrow took place, I really wasn't concerned with making sure I took birth control. I mean... what would I need it for?

A month ago today, I still had a lover... a month ago tomorrow I did not.

Not exactly what I want to think about when I'm begining to bleed. I'll go pack to music, instead.

The Friday Five

1. What is your favorite restaurant and why? The Boathouse. Yummy Seafood. Great Steaks. Wonderful Atmosphere (casual and intimate but fun) and almost always great service, too. Ahh. It's like home. I also love Samurai Sushi downtown because of their huge portions, cheap prices and quick service

2. What fast food restaurant are you partial to? I go pretty regularly to Burger King and have a Whopper Jr. with Cheese, no pickle, no onion and a medium coke. It's a nice lunch. If you consider food court restaurants "fast food" then my absolute favourite is Curry Express in Landsdowne Mall in Richmond. YUM. YUM. Butter Chicken. OMG. YUM.

3. What are your standards and rules for tipping? Tipping is evil when you consider that I worked at a full-serve gas station in the freezing cold and broiling heat and worked my BUTT off checking oil, transmission fluid, washing windows and filling gas tanks and very oh-so-extremely-rarely got a tip. The one guy who always tipped, had all of us swarm his car and give him even better service than we already gave (and we rocked). I don't know that taking a food order and delivering the food is all that hard a job and certainly not worthy of a tip on it's own. However, I usually succumb to social pressure and leave something. The first time I visit a nice restaurant that I want to frequent again, if I like the food a lot I will tip BIG (20%or more) as long as the service was satsifactory. This really does help people remember you if you plan to come back. After the first visit what makes me leave a GOOD tip (over 15%) is when they are pleasant and knowledgeable about the food and they can keep up with my rampant consumption of ice water. This is very hard to do. I love the stuff. Don't bug me too much, though or you'll ruin my good mood and then... BAM! 10% tip. If the service sux I leave something insulting (because I was insulted!) like 2%. Ain't I nasty?

4. Do you usually order an appetizer and/or dessert? Pretty much never unless it's at the boathouse or La Terazza (soon not to be) next door. Then I try to share both with someone.

5. What do you usually order to drink at a restaurant? Ice Water. I'm not cheap, I just love it the best. Occasionally I'll order coke or even more rarely a Bellini or a Long Island Iced Tea.

Whew! Much done and much more yet to do... and I'm not even selling a house like Ali is. Sorted out books today and sold a fraction of them. Donated a bunch of clothes to the Sally Ann and most of Champ's old cat supplies to Meow Aid. I'm much lighter and now I have some money for sushi with Tusker tonight. It's the final home game of the season and we're going together! Happiness is. All the ALI staff can point and be jealous that they're not in the cool section we are in.... but it'll be neat to see them all there, too.

The weight off my mind is huge and I can't thank my parents enough, but I'll still TRY to. I spoke with my financial advisor again today and gave him all sorts of details about my financial state. He's going to come up with a few different options in some reports to see what we can do to get me into my own home with 25% down by this time next year. Exciting, but not quite as quick as I'd hoped for. It will come. I just wish I could buy a house, but not in this part of the world without some kind of small miracle or 300,000. ;-)

I have to figure out what I can take to my parents' and what I need to store. I also need to figure out what the name of that storage place right by work is... so I can call them and arrange to rent some space. Then organize a truck, an elevator appointment, some helpful volunteer movers and an appointment with the property manager of this place once we have it all cleaned up. Maybe I should get George to organize that... I have way too much else to do!

Time for some packing love.

Bless my Mom and Dad.

Mom called me and asked about the apartment that I went to see this afternoon, and I told her the bad news. It was already rented and the ad was wrong, they actually couldn't take pets in that building. So okay... There are other options. None of which are cheap or desirable. My mom listened to me and said "Oh no, that's too much money, you could never save anything." and then she interrupted me and said, "I think the best thing would be for you to stay with us temporarily so you can save money and so you won't rush into anything." I nearly fainted. I know just how hard this decision must have been for them, because I wasn't an easy teenager for them to deal with. I wasn't into drugs or alcohol, but I was surly and I had no direction and I stayed out all night with boys. Tough for a mom (and Dad) to take. Now my life now won't be conflicting with what they think I should be doing. I want to save money to buy a place, they are giving me this chance! They are giving me access to the car to get from Langley to Richmond for work and they are giving me a rent-free place to live. I cannot believe how much I will save. Tons. I will use it for a down payment... get together way more than the minimum and kick that mortgage's ass.

I am truly blessed. I don't have enough words for what this means to me. I'll never forget another birthday again.

This is me. This is me recanting all the frustrated, negative, upset at my folx parent-directed writings of the previous week or so. When it comes right down to it, they rock.

I couldn't sleep this monring for fretting about something that I had misplaced. So I got up and did something about the missing something and now I'm back. I still can't sleep, but it's not because something is still missing. I found the missing something and now I won't have to replace it with a new something! Yay!

Finally, something went RIGHT! Today will be a good day no matter what else happens.

Sighing with happiness and crying with relief.

Yet another frustrating day. But I came to realize one thing. I could live in Richmond. I could BUY in Richmond. Right now. 2 bedrooms. 1 bedroom. NO WAY they can take my dog away from me. I can live there and pay myself money instead of throwing it away on rent, paint it any colour I want to and be close to work AND to horses... it's something to think about, that's for damn sure. I think I'll talk to Floyd about it on Thursday when I see him at 9AM. I may even beg my parents to help me with closing costs or downpayment or something... hard to say.

I have to think this through some more. This would cost the same as renting, I could still be saving towards my future home and my RRSPs... but meh. meh. meh.

Why do I have to make decisions??!?! The options addle my brain.

Why do I keep calling and asking apartments if I can have a dog there? The answer has always, in every case, been NO. Sometimes they're polite and say, "I'm sorry, no" and sometimes they're adament and superior and say "NO WAY!" with a laugh in their voices. Every time I hear "no" my heart breaks a bit more, even though I have a plan of action in case it does not work out. Why don't I just NOT tell them? Take her in anyway after I've moved in? Because I like to think of myself as an honest person, and I like to think that the world will give me a chance, just as I would give someone a chance. If I met the pet in it's current surroundings and found it to be well-behaved and the surroundings to be clean and neat... I would SO give that person an apartment. I guess there are just so many people looking for rental housing that it's just easier for them to wait for people without pets to come along and start a marijuana grow op or sell crack from the apartment. That's just so much nicer than a dog.

I can see how irresponsible dog owners have messed this up for everone else, but I think it's also the fault of the LAZY apartment mangers/owners who allow people with pets who let their dogs piss in the hallways and elevators and leave shit in the hallways to remain living on the premises. If the screening process was more involved and the landlords actually took the time to kick out the bad eggs, maybe everyone else would wake up and not follow the bad examples. "If everyone lets their dog shit in the hallway, what difference will it make if I do?" is almost as much the fault of the property manager as it is of the irresponsible owner who is that bad example. If that owner got kicked out (for damn good reason, I might add) then others would wake up and be responsible, or get their asses kicked out, too.

Had an emotional time at the parents' tonight. They complained about me not getting them birthday cards. It was kind of the emotional straw that broke the camel's back and it made me very upset. It was pure, unadulterated guilt. And they weren't sorry for making me feel bad about it. They said as much even after I explained that I love them, they love me. We both KNOW that. Isn't that better than getting cards that the giver feels OBLIGATED to give? They just couldn't see it my way.

So in order to smooth over the pathway to me possibly moving in with them for a month or so... I am going to my Mom's work today ON HER BIRTHDAY to bring her flowers and possibly something I've made (if I can do a good enough job of it). Best get started so I get there before lunch so she can brag to all her friends about me. Meh.

Play inside the box for the parents' benefit. How sad. Maybe through us living together I can lead by example and show them some outside the box thinking? Heh. I lived with them for 23 years... and that didn't show them! I don't think they'll ever be ready.

It's going to be okay. I'm going to find a home. I'm going to be happy. There's nothing any of those apartment-owning pet-hating individuals can do about it. I will do it on my own if I have to, though that could take longer... If I don't find a place by the end of the month.. Mom and Dad? Ready or not, here I come!

I'm going to be homeless come May 1st. I've had no luck so far... and it doesn't look promising. Meh. Balls. Shit. Hell. Ass. Fuck. Wandering around Marpole, asking people with dogs where they live.. (most own, one was in a co-op apartment) searching for Vacancy signs, calling the numbers and being rejected outright when I asked about the building's pet policy makes me feel like I am a lesser person. I have a steady job. I have amazing references. I have a dog. The last one of those three makes me a pariah. Leper! Outcast! Unclean! I cannot give up my dog. I cannot live in a dump. The one place I saw today where the manager is going to check about pets but is pretty sure it's "NO" isn't really someplace I'd want to live. It's on the lower floor, it's hot, it's tiny and it's smelly.

Hard to find anything to compare when I live in one of the nicest apartments in Vancouver (which seems to be rented already for next month as it is no longer on the listings page). I'm feeling completely tired, sick and overwhelmed once more. I hate feeling this way.

which 80s hair band are you?

this quiz was made by colleen

which children's storybook character are you?

this quiz was made by colleen






which "monty python and the holy grail" character are you?

this quiz was made by colleen

I'm tired. Much to do tomorrow "Drive to Marpole and beg for lodging" being number one on the list. After that, going to my parents to pick up my lovely dog who I get to have at home for a whole two weeks! The groomer doesn't need to see her next weekend, so I can have her home with me until her next grooming before the show. I guess Mom and Dad are going to have to come and pick her up, because I won't have access to the delicious Talon for much longer. As of the 1st of May, I'll be living on my own... of course if I can't find a place to live then Rainy and I will already be *at* my parents' house... so at least that will be easy. The commute from Langley to Richmond, however, will not be.

Living with my parents wouldn't be so bad.... yeah... right. I'd save some money, at least... hopefully they'd allow me to just pay them enough to cover food and electricity, and let me save as much as possible. I'd help out around the house, too, of course... but a couple months there might get me enough to get completely out of debt and have some small savings. After a couple of months, I'm sure I'd be going completely crazy and HAVE to leave. Mothers have a way of doing that to their daughters.

Just watched "Empire of the Sun" again. Great movie. I bought the DVD a long time ago and finally watched it. I watched the 'making of' special feature, too. Those are always interesting. Just wanted to kill some time until I knew I'd be able to sleep. It's funny.. even just that little amopunt of TV watching makes me feel almost.. dirty. Like I should have been doing something else. Productive. I probably should have been and I probably shouldn't buy any more movies on DVD... but we'll see about that one. There are some that I feel I *must* own. Why do I feel that way? Probably because of the way those particular movies made me feel. It's just like certain music for me. I can play some songs over and over again and they always induce the same feelings in me. I like reliving the good feelings but am I just dwelling on the past when I do that? Why not create new good feelings? Hmm..

The one movie I am obsessed with getting on DVD isn't available on DVD... "Joe Versus the Volcano". I love that movie. Brain Cloud! (hand swoops over skull). That cracks me up!

Home again.

Whistler Weekend could have been an ultimate blast, instead it was just pretty good fun. The reason for this is that on Friday night I started getting sore throat and by Saturday morning I was miserable. :-/ No snowboarding for this girl, though I did manage to drag myself along for a walk through the village and stop at a Pharmasave and get some Nyquil and Dayquil and Kleenex and throat drops... After a nyquil induced nap-of-oblivion on Saturday afternoon (on the loveseat in the great room with four people playing X-Box racing and laughing and cheering) I felt much better, though still sick, and was able to shower and go for dinner with 9 other people at a Tandoori restaurant. Mmmmmm.. Butter chicken. Naan. Rice. Mango Lassi. Yum. I have leftovers for tonight, too.

There was a great hot tub there, which I spent much time in trying to burn the illness out of myself, I was able to join in some games of Kings in the Corners, Pictionary and the ever-popular UNO. There was much work-gossip, but no "work talk", much laughing at "Flock of Seagulls" and other such Leah-isms, and some good food had by all.

George called me on my cell phone from Hawaii last night right just as we were getting ready to start Pictionary and I had to cut him a bit short, even though it sounded like he needed to talk a bit.. the "couple hours of work stuff" he had to do on his vacation ended up running WAY longer than it was "supposed to" (doesn't it always) and it involved a four hour timeframe in which to rebuild a server from scratch. He rocks and got it done, of course... but I think he was doubting that his vacation was ever going to get on track. It's only been three days, though... hope he calls back tonight and lets me know that things are going great again. He changed hotels and doesn't have the new number on him, so I can't call him. :-/

Back to the grind of apartment hunting. The 2 bedroom place is not going to be available this month, though Denash kept my number and I have his to call him and inquire near the end of the month (or next month.. whatever) We'll see. I need to investigate this "no money down" option and see if it can work for me. Damn, I hope so. Boy, do I doubt it! I'll keep hunting for pet-friendly rentals, too.

friday five ( I dunno where to link this, cuz I took it from Devon's page) )

1. what are the first things that you do in the morning to start your day? Say good morning to Rainy, swish my mouth out with cold water and then take a long, cold drink, have some orange juice and check out my email and the blogs I read.

2. what are the last things that you do at night before going to bed? Dim the lights, check the lock on the door, call Rainy to her bed (and sometimes mine) crawl into my bed and read whatever book I'm currently into.

3. what daily routine have you recently added to your day? Nothing that is going to last longer than it takes me to find an apartment to live in. I read www.classifiedsbc.com every morning to find the lastest rental listings.

4. what routine do you wish you could get rid of? My lazy ways of not exercising! I already ditched cable because it glued me to the couch, and I think that's helping. Moving closer to work will make not biking there seem idiotic... so that should help, too.

5. what's the one thing that makes you feel like something is missing if you don't do it some point within your day? Cuddling with my dog Rainy.

Sorted through all my TONS of dog stuff this morning... toys, brushes, nail clippers, tooth scalers, collars, leads, chew toys, frisbees, small vari-kennel and other things and then drove what I didn't need (see previous list) of it down to the Vancouver Pound. They are Canada's first no-kill publicly run shelter and they were VERY appreciative of all the stuff that I couldn't use anymore. =) Yay for giving stuff to people (and dogs) who can use it! Yay for not having to move it/store it next month!

Still feeling the guilt, but I got some boxes today from where I used to work and called Meow Aid to try to donate the cat supplies that I have gathered up over the years so I don't have to move and store those, too. When I get another cat, I will buy him all new things of his very own... and Champ would like that his things are going to be used by other kitties in need. *sniffle*

The heavy duty sorting has begun... and soon I must tackle the bookshelf to see what I can be rid of. Books = heavy.

I just realized that even though I enjoy reading Gretchen's Ramblings every day, I didn't have a link to her on my side bar! Situation remedied!

Not much has changed since last night, except that I now feel well-rested. I have some things to clean up around here, some things to pack for the trip and a few more things to pick up.. LIFT TICKET!

I miss my Rainy-noodle-poodle. It makes me realize how determined I am to find a good apartment. I feel a bit guilty about going to Whistler this weekend... okay so a LOT guilty... because I haven't found and confirmed a place to live, yet... I'm going to have to quell that guilty feeling and enjoy myself. Whatever happens will happen and I will be right back here on Monday working my butt off to find a place again. Still... this is probably the best weekend in the month to look, and I won't even be looking. :-/ However, I can also look at this in a different way: my Whislter trip was meant to be, and maybe someone there will have a lead for me that I never considered.

Ah the dilemmas of a thinking creature. Sometimes we think ourselves into oblivion, guilt, pain and despair, but we can also think ourselves OUT of those things, too. Thank goodness.

Called Denash. He gave the place to the first couple. BUT... ( a big but... heheh) he has another place in the same building which is a 2 bedroom for only 100 bux more a month. I would love that, too... or maybe the first couple would like that and I could have the one bedroom... the thing is... it's currently rented. BUT (here's where the big but actually comes in...) the guy renting it just had his girlfriend move out... and he may be wanting to move, too. Denash is going to seriously talk to the guy tomorrow/tonight and call me on the weekend. I told him I'd be out of town on "business" (snowboard trip seemed a bit frivoulus if I don't have anywhere to live in just under a month...) but I told him I'd check messages on my cell and call him as soon as I could.

Either way. I'd be up for it. The place has what I need right now, it's close to work, spacious, quiet, nicely maintained and the landlord seems VERY sweet. He asked me if I'd been having a hard time finding a place, and I told him that I honestly was. Every place I call or visit, NO PETS is the first thing they tell me if I even broach the subject in a round about way... I usually ask " Are there any animals living in the building? " (as though I'm not fond of that...) and they have so far always said, "No, we have a very strict NO PET policy." Bitches.

I'm ready to hold out for the right place, and I'm ready to be "homeless" for a while to get the right place. Maybe the laws will change - I know a review of the residential tenancy act is in the works for the spring session of the legislature - and I'll be able to make those evil, power-hungry landlords who smugly disallow pets say "Damn Government. They's bitches." when they HAVE to rent me a nice apartment! =D

Now, I'm tired. I'm going to bed. Whistler tomorrow!

I'll post this when bloggers "server upgrade" is finished. :-/

Busy day.

Took George to the airport for his trip to Hawaii, today... that was hard. The whole Hawaii trip and him deciding to go after we decided not to when we had originally planned to go together thing is what got us talking about us not being "us" anymore a few weeks ago... and it was hard to take him there and see him off and know that I'm on my own and he's on his own and we're not going there together.... or anywhere together anymore. :-/

But.. I rallied and went to visit the folks at work. It was only 6:30AM, after all. So I stopped by McDonald's and bought a bunch of McMuffiny things for my friends at work to eat. They were appreciative, although they had sent someone out on a McDonald's run just before I got there. =) I have great timing, yes, I do. Talke a lot with my co-workers about things, sat in on a post-install meeting for Johns Hopkins and did my part trying to justify to the boss-lady just WHY it was good that I went on this trip. I really don't think she saw the benefit of me going, despite how well things went. Silly lady.

The organizers of the trip to Whistler this weekend (did I mention I am going to Whistler for a few days?) and I got together and figured out what kind of food to get, made up a list and I went to Costco to pick it up. I then came home, almost fell asleep and my mom called. I arranged to drive the dog out to her work at 3:00 (it was 2:15 at the time she called) so she could take her home for the weekend while I'm away. Then I drove to Tisol, got some more cookies, cuz I know Mom will spoil Rainy all weekend and there will be none left! I took my old co-worker Sandy out for dinner. We've been sounding boards for each other for a long time, and I filled her in on the split between George and I. She was surprised... which is unusual, because usually she knows well in advance of when I do when a relationship of mine is on the rocks. Heh. We both enjoyed dinner and I was thouroughly tired by this time so I bought the rest of the groceries that I couldn't get at Costco and headed home.

Now I'm damn tired. Going to watch a movie, call Denash about the apartment and go to bed. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

More things coming up in the options department.

I could stay here. I could accomplish this in one of a few ways. 1.) I could get a roommate. My neighbour knows a very sweet flight attendent that would be gone 50 - 80% of the time. That would be cool. 2.) I could help a troubled youth or an elderly person have a home. Apparently my neighbour gets some good coin and some great relationships by helping troubled teens.

I could buy a place with no money down. Ron has done this. Legally. He knows just how to do it. I will have to talk to him about it. This would solve many problems, such as never having to beg to have my dog or be refused tenancy because of her. But I'd want a place in the Landmark 33... probably too $$$. We shall see!

I could move. I found an apartment that would do nicely, though it certainly doesn't have a view like our current place. Nor does it have a pool, a hot tub, a gym, a steam room, a concierge, a great neighbour like Ron... it lacks in so many ways. It also lacks in one important (but good) way: It lacks the huge price tag of this suite. It lacks the distance from work, too.. it's probably a 10 - 15 minute bike ride from work versus the 40 minute ride this place is. The only obstacle right now is that the owner had an application two days before mine. He says he will meet with them and call me either way. The tenant who is currently there, Sabrina (she's nice) told me in our hour-long chat that the landlord prefers single people to a couple. That looks good for me. I guess I'll find out tomorrow if it was meant to be!

Here's a description from what I can remember:

It's about 600 square feet with a large master bedroom, spacious, interestingly-shaped living room, open plan kitchen (with a skylight) and a large bathroom. It is clean (smells a bit like wet Labrador Retriever at the moment, but that can be remedied) has good paint and carpet and a new fridge. It comes with a stove. There are sliding glass doors off of the living room that lead to a spacious balcony where I can have a barbeque! There are two closets in the living room area and a big one with an organizer in the bedroom. I just realized one problem with that suite. No laundry that I know of. It's on top of a small commercial building with about 3 stores below it.. and it doesn't have in-suite laundry as far as I know... maybe that small 2nd closet in the front all was laundry... I hope so! Hauling laundry on a bicycle will suck, but it can be done... or there's always the emergency hand-wash and hang-dry.

Whatever happens, it is meant to be. I'll sleep on all the information that Ron, my neighbour, gave me -- and see what tomorrow brings in the way of new apartment for rent ads, calls from prospective landlords and mulling over of possibilities.

Well... how's this for a turnaround. I don't feel nearly so swamped by life today. I think that 1.) talking to the financial planner and 2.) deciding not to "settle" for a crappy apartment in order to have my dog live with me (I'd rather be homless with a cause!) is what I have to thank for that. It is all within my capabilities. It always was, I just didn't realize it!

I don't use the phrase "under my control" for a reason. Nothing is under my control except the way I deal with what happens in life. Despite the best laid plans, I could be hit by a bus tomorrow and never walk again. Not what I had planned. Not even close. That's a pretty extreme example, but you know what I'm getting at. We all have things that come up in life that can hinder us or make us stronger. It's all how we look at them.

I look at Gretchen as a beautiful example of a person who takes what life throws at her and counts her blessings with grace, humour and dignity. She didn't plan to have a child at this stage in her life, especially one with the challenges that Becca presents, but as frustrated as she sometimes gets, the sunny, positive side of her is always showing through to inspire us all. Thank you Gretchen. You are a treasure!

My friends, online and IRL, are my blessings. They stick with me through the nastiest parts of me and still give me love. I love them right back for it and for all the other inspiring, creative, depraved, magical things that they are. Blessings, every one.

Somtimes, I am the queen, of commas.

Never fails. *just* when you decide to get naked and wander around your apartment, the property manager decides to show it to prospective teants. ;-)

Just got back from the office of my new financial planner. I love how they get paid. The bank, insurance agencies and other financial institutions pay them from the "spread" between what they give on the money we invest with them and what they make from the money we invest with them. I don't put out a penny (except for lawyers fees for things like legal wills etc). This rocks. Everyone should have an advisor like Floyd.

I really feel better after talking to him --- he's my parents' advisor as well as my honorary aunt and uncle's advisor. I've met him socially before but didn't realize it. I felt very comfortable with his description of the four parts of a financial plan and how they are all unique to the person who the plan is for. I have another meeting with him next Thursday at 9:00AM to go over the state of my current finances. Scary but exciting.

Wanton Wednesday

If you could do one physical thing to your lover while they slept, without them knowing about it at the time, what would you do?

I don't have a lover at the moment, but if I did... there are all sorts of things I'd like to do to him! Mostly I'd like to lightly trail my fingertips in spirals and swirls all over his skin until he got goosebumps in his sleep, and then gently kiss him all over until he woke up with wood and we made love. I'd like for him to do that to me, too!

One day... ;-)

I mght just be homeless in less than a month. What a concept!? It's kind of funny to me when I look at it that way, though homelessness as a national problem isn't funny in the least.

Perhaps I will try my best to find a nice place that will take Rainy and I, and if I do not succeed I will use the situation to further the cause of allowing pets in rental housing... A cause! MY CAUSE! I have found my calling. "I was made homeless because they would not accept me and my pet."

The wheels are turning.

	You are Fozzie! Wokka Wokka! You love to make lame jokes. Your sense of humor might be a bit off, but you're a great friend and can always be counted on..
Take the What Muppet Are You? Quiz!

The power returns temporarily and I get lots accomplished and feel stronger than ever. Then I get tired or discouraged and the power to fight despair wanes and fails... I need the power. I HAVE the power. Fighting this will give me more power than I've ever had and I will keep fighting until I am free and strong and my own woman.

Maybe I'll wear my He-Man and the Masters of the Universe shirt tomorrow. Then I will have the power of Grey Skull.

Food will help and then sleep will help.

How easy it is to slip from a feeling of power to one of helplessness and despair. I try to analyze it, to fight it, to block it out... but the feeling creeps in again. It's relentless. I cannot give it to it or I will fall... and I may not be able to get back up. I feel the tears of hoplessness well up in my eyes as the feeling of despair creeps into my throat and I fight it with every positive thing that I am doing for myself. Sometimes they are not enough and for a moment the tears win... I will continue to fight these feelings of self-doubt and betrayal that are trying to overwhelm me.

I do not deserve to feel this way. I rail and rail and rail against it, and it keeps coming back at me. The fear of not being able to succeed. The fear of change. The fear of losing my power to another human being again... I don't want that! I want to be powerful and share my power with others who will share their power with me. There is no giving away of my power in my life any more. Only sharing. Growing. Keeping. I will NOT give it up for nothing again!

The TV keeps drawing me to it. It used to be my form of escape. My way to ignore the realitiy that I'm living in... now that I've cancelled cable I am fighting to stay emotionally stable and strong without having that escape. This will be a challenge. It is a challenge I want to face and to win. I KNOW it will make me stronger in the long run. Maybe I have half the battle won just by being aware.

I will not let these fears control me and subdue me!

Self doubt: "What if I don't find an apartment that will take Rainy? What if I do, but it's crappy and horrible?"

Answer: "I will put my belongings into storage and find someplace for Rainy and I to crash for a month, be that at my parents or somewhere else. I will MAKE my parents help me by lending me one of their cars. I will not settle for a crappy place to live. I DO NOT HAVE TO! There is always another solution, if I just look for it."

I am not alone in this, but it's easy to forget that I'm not, when I'm at home alone with no car and a feeling that no one could understand what I'm going through. I sink into fear and let the feelings of despair nibble at my soul with tiny painful bites. I fight against it. I temporarily win or lose and then the cycle starts all over again.

When the fears and self doubt come, I doubt every decision I have ever made.

Posting here helps, even though I'm sure anyone who reads this is well and truly tired of me repeatedly voicing my fear. Screw it. I will do what I have to do. I have internal drama of my own making enough for all.

Calling people to arrange to view apartments is a completely demoralizing experience. Sure, they should know how lucky they'd be to get ME as a tenant... but damn... I hate the feeling of having to suck up to people. Just have to rent ONE more place, save my sheckels and then BUY. This is just too painful. All the callbacks I've received so far are the "it's already rented" variety. All the calls I make are to apartment ads that don't *specifically* list "no pets" in their ads.. then I found one building with two ads -- one had "no pets" in the ad, and the other didn't.

I hate our residential tennancy laws that allow discrimination based on pet ownership. This site is trying to do something about it... but it will come too late for me, I'm afraid.

I'll have to go for a walk around the neighbourhood I'm trying to move to, tomorrow. Meh. Feh. Bleh.

I'm DETERMINED to find a place to live that doesn't suck. If I have to lie about not owning a pet to get in. I will. Bitches.

Blogger is SLOW today. Trying to add ariosa's journal to my list of blogs... to no avail. I haven't forgotten you, dear.

Going to a movie with Tusker today (Ice Age) and then my long weekend is over. I won't be back to work for another 2 weeks, but I have so much to do until then. I need to find a place to live where I can have Rainy. It may not be easy, but we'll see. The laws may change to my benefit, soon... and I'll fight tooth and nail to get my baby dog living with me.

I'm sure it won't hurt that she's going to be in a grooming contest at the beginning of next month, so she'll be gorgeous and clean (and have short, non-clicky nails).

Lots to do before then, and I'm going to start first thing tomorrow morning.

Turkey dinner. Goood.

Sleep. Goooood.

Sleep will clear the doubts that cloud my brain.
Sleep will heal the wounds that rend my soul.
Sleep will melt the ice that coats my heart.
Sleep will help my heart be once more whole.

There is something to be said for waking up with the dawn. Okay, maybe it wasn't quite "the dawn" but it was early. After getting dressed and organizing a few things that I wanted to go through today, I shooed George off to my bed to finish out his slumber. Now I can get busy and organize things around here.

On that note... I'd love to ramble on more, but I have too much to DO around here today before heading off to my parents' for the remainder of the weekend. Busy. Busy. Busy.

Life looks pretty good. Sometimes scary, but overall great. =)

I wish I could listen to somafm on my stereo out in the living room. :-/ Poo. I'll have to hook that up in the new place.

Now I lay me down to sleep.

Working on a Stat the last day before a two week "vacation" is ass. I say "vacation" because I don't get to go anywhere. Originally this time was booked off to go to Hawaii... but that didn't pan out... and things being as they are relationship-wise, I get to spend the time looking for a new place to live. The timing couldn't have been better, but it still sucks a little bit when I think that George is going to Hawaii for those two weeks.

Like I say, I'm going to miss him, but not as much as I would, were I still 'in love' with him. I also realize that I need someone who is firmly in the relationship as I am. He's not capable of that right now... and I certainly don't want to be a "place filler" while he waits for whatever it is he's waiting for before being ready to commit. I'm not looking for marriage, but I am looking for a partner who wants to go forward *with* me. I, too, need my own space and some time to get my head and heart together. George and I had a great relationship, one that will be VERY hard to top.

For now, I'm looking forward to having my own place for a year or so, being the only person to use my stuff unless I invite someone over, and being the only person who decides where the dog can go and what she can do while she's there. I enforced some rules for George's comfort that I can disregard, now! My baby-dog can cuddle in the bed with me anytime. *snuggle*

I'm a bit scared of not finding anything that will allow Rainy to live with me. That would suck incredibly, but I think my parents would be good sports and take Rainy until I can find a place that lets me have a dog. That is my absolute last and final resort... but it's good that it's there. Keeps the stress level where I can handle it without having to burst into tears every few hours.

Back to work for 20 more minutes...

Still too tired. Bed calling me...

However.

Baltimore has great people and terrifying people. I was more on edge in that city than I think I've ever been. It is a very blue collar city, and many of the people I saw behaved in larger than life, in your face, way out there, blue collar ways. It was like living in a Daytime TV talk show featuring Yo' Momma. There is such a division between black and white -- which is something I've never experienced, living in Vancouver. The division was palpable and almost seemed to be rising up in essence from the walls of the old buildings and the streets of the project housing that surrounds Johns Hopkins Hospital.

The cab drivers are completely crazy, but I think it's because they have to be. I've never heard car horns honked so much in my life, except in celebrating a wedding! These, though, were not celebratory honks. The drivers honk and yell and speed and cut people off... just like everyone else on the roads.

One night on the way back to the hotel from the hospital, we asked the driver to stop at a gas station. He obliged. I almost wish he hadn't. Two of us got out. Simon to buy smokes and me to get some bottled water. We were accosted by three large black men who asked us for change repeatedly and very loudly by getting right into our personal space and by trying to get right into our cab. The gas station attendant and all the wares that the gas station sold were behind 3/4 inch plexiglass. This should have been a BIG hint to us.

Nothing bad happened, but the cab driver did yell at the guy climbing in our cab and finally had to back up with the door open to get him out of our laps (four of us legitimately in the back seat) before driving very quickly off. Most interesting and eye opening stop to get water that I ever had.

I'll write more later, but for now I can barely keep my eyes open. Sleep time!

Home. Sweet. Home.

Too tired to post last night and now I must go to work.

We're still in the server room. Joseph is working his magic with the help of Simon, and the rest of us are done all that we can do and waiting for the magic to be complete. We could have left here about 3 hours ago... but being women and taking a taxi in Baltimore alone isn't the safest of ideas so they made us stay. I've been wheeling around in a wheelchair and snoozing. Playing my Delerium tape through the computer's speakers to dull the hum of the computers...

We'd damn well better get some sleep tomorrow...

Been thinking about George and I a lot. Been thinking about the new stage in life I'm approaching, going over my plans in my head, and for once in my life, they seem to finally be really solid. This is really what I want. I'll miss the snuggles. I'll miss having another human around. But honestly, I won't miss it *that* much... I"ll miss being able to say "he's mine". But, at last I am ready to live on my own. To have MY own place and plan and save and rejoice in MY future. I'm no longer going to wait around for someone to "make me happy", cuz boys and girls... that is a MYTH perpetuated by the evil that is the media. I'm just sucker enough to have believed in it for way too long.

Retirement planning, down-payment saving and travel are all in my future. So are decorating to suit ME -- apartment beige is going to get the hell out of my life. I'll just have to paint over my handiwork when I leave. SO not a big deal. I've spent some of my down time designing and sketching out ideas for a glorious spiraly, swirly painted on the wall headboard for my new place, and thinking about colours for other rooms... this is going to be FUN! One room at a time, when I can afford it, and I'll soon have a place that I'll never want to leave!

I hope that the place with the outdoor pool is nice and allows Rainy to live there with me.

Four hours of sleep after 17 hour 'at work' day is not enough. Especially when it's followed by another 15 - 16 hour workday.

Things done blowed up real good. Somehow, the server has an NTFS error. It is not happy. It is being rebuilt on site. Luckily, we had an extra day in the plans, unluckily, this means no Washington, DC for us... We kind of have to think it just wasn't meant to be... maybe the server is saving us from being arrested for being strange Canadian Tourists, or saving us from something even worse. Whatever the case, our job comes first. Poor Joseph is going to be stuck working on it all night long. Thank goodness he's along. The rest of us may be able to muddle through... but then again, we may not.

I love these little workstations all around the radiology department.. they give me blogger access so I can catch up on what my h0z are doing while I'm away... if only they'd UPDATE MORE! ;-) Wish they had MIRC or gave me access to install it...

Back to work and then hopefully back to the hotel for some sleep. Some of us should be fresh for tomorrow...

So. Finished. Finally.

I worked from 4:00pm until 3:00am on those frickin' unarchived cases... and damnit, I MADE THEM MY BITCHES!

That's right. I rock. Slowly.

Johns Hopkins Hospital is cool. Mr. Hopkins' name was Johns. Apparently it was a family name on his mother's side. A very cool security guard who obviously loves his job (yay!) told us all about Mr. Hopkins and the history of the University and Hospital. I took many pictures of the beautiful dome building and the 10 foot marble statue of Jesus The Consoler that is inside.

*ACHOO!!*

Anyone ever notice that sneeze smell? You know... metallic like iron.... or honey... I only know 2 people in the world that know about that smell. Do any of you?

Flitter. Flutter. Flight. Flight. Flew. Look at my thoughts go hither and thither...

So tired. So thirsty. So ready to go back to the hotel to sleep. I hope we get to go to DC on Sunday.

So.. that last update didn't do anything.

I'm on site. I'm trying to archive stubborn unarchived studies. They WON'T GO!!! I'm down to 23 from 49 but these last few just won't do anything I ask them to. Bitches.

So meanwhile I reboot the machines to see if that works and add to my pathetic blog.

Baltimore's cool. Baltimore's fun. Baltimore's on the east coast! It's my first time on the east coast, and I'm trying to find GOOD CRAB. So far it sucked... I'll try again some other day. The hotel is nice, WIndham Inner Harbor <-- silly Americans, where's the "u"? I took pictures. I'll post them when I get home.

Back to work....

It's waaaay too early. I leave for the airport in about 20 minutes. I probably won't have internet access for the next week, so go read about Ariosa's life instead. =)

Off I go to adventure! Chicago, Baltimore, Toronto, Home. Best possible way to reach me, maybe, kinda, sorta... qgirlz email.

It's incredible what a difference a day and a decision can make.

Last night I made the decision to wait to buy a place, to save money and find a rental apartment by the end of next month instead. I will be able to travel, find myself, and still have a home base to come back to... and suddenly a weight lifted from my shoulders, not to mention my heart... and I was free to rejoin the land of the living and connected to reality people. It's nice.

What is love if you can't let go? It's not.

Time to play RTCW, pack for my trip and hopefully get some sleep tonight - being at the airport at 5:00AM is some kind of ass. I also have to log in to work and update the masses as to where I'll be and what needs follow up while I'm gone. Joy.

The world is turning upside down. Nothing is as it was and it can never be, again. I just want to go screaming through the streets running until I can't run anymore. Screwdrivers in power outlets. Teeth gnashing. Hair pulling. Aything to end the numbness. To end the sadness. To make me feel hope again. To make me feel whole again.

I am empty. I am desolate. I am not handling this well.

The "work me" is a shell.. barely going through the motions... itching to scream and run and rage and cry... deeply entrenched in an inner world of my own making and hardly registering what's going on around me.

I'm not handling this well.

Why must I change?

Change is diffucult. Change is frightening.

Why must I change?

Because I never want to stop growing. There is no growth without change. Accepting and fully experiencing change is the only way to keep growing.

Why must I change?

I will not know who I am if I do not allow myself to experience change. I need to always know who I am.

lift-pull-flop lift-pull-flop lift-pull-flop

Whew! All done.

It's SEXY! But still red.... Look! Joshua, once again was entertaining. He's one sick little boy, but so much fun. =D

Devon was wonderful and showed up when I was taking my "pre-tatto pee break". I came out to Devon hugs (whee!) and she stayed all the way through, taking pictures and talking Pavlov, Schroedinger's Cat, blowjobs and sluts with us. She was inspired to really get her own tattoo soon.. and she wants to get Joshua to do it. I'll show up if she wants me there and take many pictures for her and laugh and talk and support her wimpy butt all the way through it!

Afterwards we headed up Robson Street, because I was still on a high from the whole experience *and* I was feeling thirsty. We wandered for a while, dropped by a few stores and finally got a drink and headed back to White Spot's burger place for some AWESOME fries and talk of men, life, the universe and everything. Glorious! Note to self... spend more time doing girl things with Devon.

I never have time for the Friday Five.. and most of you know my history with pets, so I'll skip it this week. =)

Tattoo shading day for me! I'm going on my own, Devon may drop by -- but whatever happens, it's cool. I'm really looking forward to it. Today was to be delivery day for my birthday present from my mom... but unfortunately I wasn't able to get in contact with the shipping department in time to let them know that I would be able to have someone here around the time that they had to come, so they didn't load it on the truck just in case. That's cool, it will arrive on the 30th in the morning, instead and I'll get to be here for it ~ otherwise George would have to hang out here to wait for it today because I will be at NeXT.

Finally got some decent sleep last night. Life is in turmoil in some very big ways right now... and planning for the future has kept my head busy and whirling too much to sleep well some nights. I got very comfortable with the way things were going... not exactly "happy" not exactly "unhappy", at different times a bit of both, but definitely "comfortable" for the most part. Big big changes in the wind.

For those who are curious and inventive, you have sources.

It's funny and I just realized this. I can always tell when I'm really and honestly experiencing life when Sarah McLaughlin's songs move me to the point of tears when I sing them or hear them. When I'm coasting, and not really living, I still like Sarah's music... but it becomes a bit too "challenging" for me. I can listen to it for a while, but then I sort of pull away from it. Not willing to get into the thick of it and feel deeply. Right now I'm down and dirty in the tough reality that is life and Sarah's music reduces me to tears of laughter, joy and pain almost instantly. Thank-you, Sarah. One day I'd like to meet you and thank you in person.

I've thought about it and mccow is right. Travel is the way to go.

Now comes the planning and outfitting and selling of all things worldly to make it happen! I'll fill everyone in on details later, but I wanted to thank //cow for making me think.


RAOWR

I called and cancelled the cable TV today and it feels really, really good. I got a few choruses of "WHY!?" from some co-workers, but one quietly respected my decision and wished he could get his S.O. to see that getting rid of cable would be a good thing. Another is already among the ranks of the cable-less and he cheered for me, too.

Cancelling cable is definitely not something that everyone needs to do. I, however, am weak and must remove this evil that so easily drains my brain. =)

The non-confrontational wuss in me was vanquished. It really can help, sometimes.

Those of you who need to know that I love you... I hope you do.

On to yet another rant...

Life is short. Many of us waste this short and precious time with things that don't matter. We waste them with things that rot our brains and turn creativity into mush. I begin to live the life that is programmed for me everu time I turn on the television. I'm feeling more and more strongly that I want to cut off cable completely. I don't need TV for news or entertainment. I can find out what I need to know online or from listening to everyone at work talk about what they saw last night. And television entertainment? That kind of entertainment keeps me slogging along like a drone. Never really feeling anything. Being fed what to feel by Survivor, COPS, Elimidate and Friends. Flipping through channels endlessly to find out if "something's on". Even if "nothing good" is on, I sometimes even end up droning away to the Maury Poviches and Sally's of the world. It's such a waste. There are some really, really horrible things out there that are disguised as "good television". Then there are the things that don't even bother to disguise themselves. I think I saw an ad for a celebrity match fight between Danny Boniducci and Todd Bridges. What. The. Hell.?!?! Television has sunk to new lows. Mass media runs the world, is pure evil and Oprah is the Devil.

I definitely don't need that in my life. Time to have a serious talk with George about our cable.

Even more time for sleep.

www.somafm.com is good. Go there and get yourself some e-m webradio goodness. It's stuff you won't hear on the regularly scheduled programming of local radio stations and it inspires me to create Black Sheep Goodness for my new web presence.

Currently, I'm listening to Groove Salad.

The Friday Five

1. What makes you homesick? Thinking about my dog and the water. Thinking about my own bed. Thinking about how cheap and plentiful is the sushi.



2. Where is "home" for you? Is it where you are living now, or somewhere else (ie: Mom & Dad's house, particular state/city)? Canada... the west coast... Vancouver.



3. What makes it home for you? People? Things? The air, the water the apartment, the sushi.



4. Where is the furthest you've been from home, miles-wise? Jamaica in the Carribean.



5. What are your plans for this weekend? Not too much In fact, as little as possible.



I'm going to start on that... right now.


Goodnight!

I suddenly feel like I'm getting sick again... that would suck, especially since I'm still not totally over my previous cold. I think I'll get a ride home with the kindly Karl and perhaps wander up and get a "Best Defense" smoothie. Lots of vitamin C, ecchinacea, Goldenseal and yummy fruit. It always makes me feel like I'm doing something for myself. Then I'll snuggle up with my dog on the couch and give her tummy rubs and ear scritches and other puppy-lovin'. I'm still inspired to work on my website some more and to find a good flash memory mp3 player (no hard drives, please!) so I can take my music with me anywhere. If anyone has any good suggestions, I'd love to hear from you! Please email me epona @ qgirlz . com.

It's snowing again, today. Mid-sized, light, fluffy flakes that drift up almost as much as they drift slowly down. I wonder if it will cover the ground tonight... Very unusual for this time of year in Vancouver, but pretty and peaceful, nonetheless.

Time to go home! Whee!

'course... sleeping in for me might be all of 7:00AM... Luxury! A whole two and a half more hours of sleep than usual! Honstly, I know I'll be up by 8:00am at the latest. Feh. I don't really want to stay up late tonight, because I have to work at 6AM on Monday, too.... and that'll just mess me up.

Saturday will be a sleeping in kind of day. Oh yes. Oh yes, indeed.

Here's to Friday. I don't have time for the Friday Five... too much work to do. :-/

C'est la vie.

Tonight found me grooving to some sweet soft house music and doing more work on The Black Sheep Journal. It's coming along as a concept... and making it a reality is bringing the joy of the creative process back into my life. Now how do I make an optional mp3 play in the background? WHEE!

I like DJ Q - Glasgow's Jazz. Good web design music for me... and reminds me of what Joshua was playing while I was getting tattoo'd. Music that puts me in a yummy mood. I like feeling yummy. I hope my books come soon so I can discover more yummy things about myself.


Sleep is calling me. Dreamland. Otherworldly.

Meantime, go get yourself some Delicious. Juice.

I want to go home. My shift ended 45 minutes ago. Bastards.

Slipping into unhealthy. Unaware of the outside world. Living happily without conflict in a world created on the inside. Causing disharmony in reality.

My back itches. It's also flaking off black flakey bits without my help. *pat* *pat* *slap* *spank* *ahhhhhhhhhhh*

After posting last night, feeling all depressed and down, I read Gretchen's journal. She made me smile again. Thank-you, Gretchen. *hug*

All in all, I think we make way too big a deal out of birthdays. The years are just a number, it's experiences that really count. But, be it consiously or subconsiously we all want our day to be special. However, there is such a thing as not making a big ENOUGH deal out of birthdays. I didn't realize it yesterday, but today it's as clear as bottled water... George didn't do enough for my birthday. I could care less about what everyone else does, but a little touch like a card, flowers, dinner made for me... something... ANYTHING out of the ordinary and special would have been nice. He did pay for my sushi. Which I suggested. Which I ordered. Which we get all the time. But what I really wanted was a little pampering on the day. It is more difficult when we're both working, and especially so when I work at 6AM and have to go to sleep really early... but showing someone you love that you really do care about them, that you really do value them, that you remembered them, and took the time to do something for them... that can be done at any time during the day or night. Leave a gift, a flower, a card, a note... just do it.

I guess it's partly my fault for not letting him know what a big deal it is to me, but for most people it's an unwritten rule. Especially the birthday of your lover. I think I'll have a talk with him tonight and let him know that next year will be different, and that this weekend had better rock my world to make up for this year!

RTCW fun. RTCW frustrating when you only get to play 3 on 2. Meh.

Birthday over. Down in the dumps feeling setting in. Why is that? I feel like I need a good cry... and I don't even know what for. I saw many people that I care about, today, at work and at home, and I got unexpected gifts, which is wonderful... but now that the day is over, I feel kind of ... well... "meh".

I'll go escape in some fiction and deal with it tomorrow. Apparently that's what Nine's of the enneagram do.

Happy Birthday to me. =D

Work commenced this evening on a new and glorious design for epona.com. I'm debating, somewhat, whether or not to use that domain for my new site. The only reason I'm debating it because my parents' know that URL and they may be shocked by what they see if they happen to go there... but then again... I am working hard on being the best Official Black Sheep of the Farrell Family that I possibly can be. If I don't just get brave and stand up for myself, how will I ever find out who I really am?

...I can always wait for the Mother-Gaining-Knowledge-of-the-Massive-Tattoo-I've-Just-Put-on-my-Body-Surprise-Lawn-Bowling-Party-and-Bat-Mitzvah and see what happens.

Black Sheep? More like Lily-livered Chicken.

Wish my mom could be as supportive and enlightened as Ali's Mom... much love to the Gretchen.

I'm on the 6AM shift, so it's time for bed.

Can anyone tell me why, every day around this time, a huge murder of crows flies by heading towards the east? Where are they going? What do they do when they get there? Am I the only one who notices? I see them from my apartment in Yaletown, I used to see them from my apartment in Mount Pleasant, and I've seen them near my work in Richmond. What gives?

This requires further investigation.

Tattoo status: itchy but not scratchy *pat pat pat*
Weather: Sunny and cool
Personality Type: Nine

Joshua at NeXT both decorated and inspired me, yesterday. I was told that I'm remarkably good at sitting for a tattoo. The first three hours were a relative piece of cake, and then my threshold for pain just suddenly... ended. The last hour was excruciating, but I sat as still as I could and just lived for the fact that as soon as the gun wasn't touching my skin any more, it stopped hurting.

During the first few hours, Joshua and I discussed such things as the way the media and not the government controls the world, the ramifications of September 11th, The Enneagram and the nine personality types (he's a four, I'm a nine), and he let me read two wonderful books by Shel Silverstein called "The Missing Piece" and "The Missing Piece Meets the Big O". I was enthralled and engaged, both my mind and my body being altered. I've already ordered the "The Missing Piece Meets the Big O" from Chapters.ca, and also placed an order for the book Personality Types, of which I was only able to read the basics about my personality type.

It was frightening and exhilarating. Reading about the Nine personality type was like reading a book about the ups and downs of my life. I want to be the best Nine that I can be, because I've never been there... it will take spiritual growth, more ups and downs, and really making myself be INVOLVED in life, rather than hiding out in my own dream world. I'm fascinated. I'm amazed. I'm willing to start working on that right NOW.