We're in Nelson. Move was smooth as silk (though we have WAY too much "stuff" - don't even get me started on that one.) I love Nelson, the hills, the shops, the mountains, the wilderness, the civic centre movie theatre that shows one movie per week (or so). =-) This week is Matrix Reloaded - we went to see X2 the week before last. We're walking and biking everywhere and loving it. I don't feel homesick for the Lower Mainland at all - I wonder if I will? I probably won't because I can still call my Mom and Dad whenever I want to and my whole "immediate" family is here, already... Matthew, Rainy and Wave... and all of our "stuff". Gah. Time for another garage sale.

I met my birth dad on the weekend and I can really see where I get a fair bit of who I am and what I look like. Wow. I have a pic of the two of us together for those of you who are interested. Email me. Same bat time. Same bat channel. (telus.net, fools!)

Anyway.. updating this thing isn't what I want to be doing right now. We're expecting company in about an hour's time - they're driving up from Vancouver. Whee! Full house! Then we're heading to Vancouver by Greyhound on Friday night for a wedding on Saturday. We'll probably be back on Tuesday morning.

Things are coming together for the move... Pretty much the only thing that isn't packed is my computer. Heh. Go figure. ;-) It's our entertainment centre and connection to the world right now, but soon it, too will be relegated to bubble wrap and cardboard for a few days. ADSL is available where we're moving but it won't be ready until about a week after our phone line is hooked up on the 29th... so no internet for us for a week or so. Eep.

Ah well. All is good. So if you can't find me for a few days or I don't answer (hmm... what else is new, eh?) I'll be back online and checking my telus email soon.

The adventure continues...

The haxor handle of Heather is "Sex0r Dr3am".

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Hee! Ali told a fib. She did share the Kim goodness with me - for a lovely stroll and lunch on The Drive. I'm very thankful, since they rescued me from my brain which was getting a bit fractured and more than usually odd as the result of packing for such an extended period. I'm now full of burger and salad goodness, refreshed from their presence and our walk and ready to tackle it again. A few more hours and I'll head out for some Easter Turkey dinner at Matthew's mom's place. =) Better get cracking. We're loading the truck one week from today. Eep!

So things never go as we expect them to. Thank goodness! I expected the worst when I went over to my parents' house yesterday... and though it was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do, it really had better results than I could have hoped for. I feel closer to my parents than I ever have before. They now know *everything*. There's nothing that I'm hiding anymore. It seems there always has been... and now it's clear that they're my parents and I can love and trust them as I've always wanted to. And even though they have told me that they do not want to have contact with the birth family... they're not mad that I will continue to do so.

In other amazing news, I've been accepted to KSA for first year studies! Whee! Now to figure out where the money to live and study is going to come from.

Did anyone think that I'd ever be here? I didn't. Happy. Moving to Nelson, job lined up, apartment lined up, engaged to be married, registering for school in the fall??! Amazing. Blessed Be.

Well. I'm home in Vancouver. I can barely believe the whirlwind weekend we've had. We left Friday afternoon around 3:00 and arrived in Salmo at 12:30 - long drive with lots of anticipation on my part of what we were headed into. There were so many emotions and feelings and things going on - it feels as though we've been gone two weeks. The short results are: I met my birth Mother, my full sister and her partner, my neices, my nephew, my birth Grandmother and birth Aunt and we all had dinner together. Matthew and I both got jobs and we found a basement suite to live in underneath what we think will be a great landlord and neighbour. I had my admissions interview at KSA and it went swimmingly well. I'll hear if I'm accepted in the next few weeks.

To quote a dear and loveable person named Ali, "Oh my word!".

I can't begin to describe the emotions that are running through me. I'm overwhelmed with the fear, the doubt, the worry and the anxiety about telling my Mom and Dad tomorrow about ALL of the goings on this weekend (they already know about the job and the apartment part) plus the stress of the fact that I have way less than absolutely no money until a few weeks after I start work up there.

Matthew just called. He rocks. We'll make it through this together. I'm still stressed, but not overwhelmed. I love you, Matthew. OMG. So much.

We're going.

Yes, the interview in Nelson is this coming Monday... not last Monday... and combined with the stress of a job interview, comes not one but TWO delightful passtimes... First, Meeting the Birth Mother (and family). I'm ready, though. I'm glad I've already met Carla and they all have pictures of me etc etc etc... makes things much easier. Then there's the job interview, and after the job interview there will be the tour of the school I want to go to and the admissions interview complete with portfolio presentation. Yikes. Ok. Gadzooks.

I'll be fine, really.

We leave in 25 minutes.

Got my domain back for another year.. whew. =) Not that I'm using it for anything... Dur. Anyway....

Life is throwing big things at me and I'm responding, most of the time. I've just signed up for the Trout Lake Pottery Club.. and it looks like I may not be able to use the studio time for much longer. Matthew has an interview in Nelson on Monday and I do, too. It's crazy how fast things are swirling. We finally got this place unpacked and sorted and liveable and now it might be time to pack it all up again and get it up to Nelson. I guess we'll see... things are as they are.

I'm in a slump in my SELP project... I don't think I've mentioned that project on here, yet... it's the Landmark Self Expression and Leadership Program - and my project is a Raku firing on the beach for beginner potters. I feel like I should be working on it... and yet I am stopping myself. I just want to move up to Nelson and go to school... but school doesn't start until Semptember and I haven't even gotten IN yet. The SELP course ends in June...

Meh.

So much to do... test some things on the computer to see what's causing the evil and annoying intermittent alarm, the rest of the dishes, some laundry... all the mundane things of life... and all I want to do right now is go to the pottery studio. ;-) I think that starting Monday, that's just what I'll do for the rest of the week. See how much I can accomplish at this stage in a week's worth of working in the studio. Time to add some more water to my clay to get it soft enough to throw and extrude. Big plans. Big, big plans.

My domain has gone offline and I can't figure out how to renew it! I'm trying through register.com... but so far no word at my admin address. Eep. That means that for the time being, I only have epona1-at-telus-dot-net as my email address. So update accordingly. Cool. Cool.

I know how Ali feels. I've just never quite given up on this blog thing... mainly because no one online would know what was up with my life and partly because, when needed, this outlet is FANTASTIC for ranting and raving. I find I do a whole lot less ranting and raving these days, though... and just more living and loving life. Time to get showered and drive to Maple Ridge to paint the room there back to Rental Beige. Pottery tonight. Whee!

By the way, in case I've never told you, M stands for Matthew. He's the love of my life.

Ali came and visited yesterday - which was fun and mellow... she and M. and Rainy and I wandered up Commercial and grabbed Chai Lattes from Starbucks. You really can see *every* kind of person imaginable on Commercial Drive -- and so we people watched and window shopped. It was good.

Then went to a family birthday party - that at the time, frankly, I didn't want to go to. I'd never met any of the people that were going to be there (other than M.'s mom and sister and niece) and I didn't feel like sharing my soul with everyone - or so I thought until I met them. They're all really easy-going and cool - and I enjoyed myself thoroughly. We got into talk about the world and pending war, our political system and tons of other things... it was really a lot of fun. Great people. So glad I'm gonna be a part of this for the rest of my life. =)

Spoke to Carla yesterday - my birth half sister. She's going to be down again on Thursday - we're going to hook up - probably Friday... since I have an appointment on Thursday night with the Potter's club... and it's my birthday... wow... one whole year of being 30 flashed by so quickly. So much happened... and it's been completely fantastic overall. 30 is amazing. I highly reccommend it.


Off to start the day.

She *is* sweet. And she brought me pictures! I have pictures of people who I resemble!! I'm in shock. There were surprisingly very few tears... mostly smiles and talking and looking at photo albums. She had an appointment to get to, and I have class tonight, so we parted around 1:00... I saw her tear up a bit as she left the restaurant... I had photo albums to pack up and cart off. My birth mom sent down some photos, including her wedding photo with my Birth Dad. Wow!

I was nervous before the meeting, so I headed to the store and picked up a bouquet of flowers for her... she brought me some Body Shop stuff which was very sweet. She gave me a photo album with pictures of my birth realtives, including her, my full sister, my half-sister, my 2 nieces, my nephew, my Grandmother, great grandmother, grandfather, aunt... wow. It's amazing to look at pictures of people who I am physically related to, when I've never been able to do that my entire life.

M. was able to take a long lunch and meet us at the restaurant - which was wonderful. My half sister is is beautiful, slender with long legs, big gorgeous eyes, red hair and an infectious smile. I saw videos of her foal and all her horses, and I saw pictures of everyone imaginable. I can hardly wait to visit them.

Her beau is the cousin of a girl that I went to school with. It's a crazy small world! They're staying at her brother's place out in Burnaby. Wow. I'm overwhelmed. I'll have to document this some place else, some other time... cuz I'm too stunned to write coherently right now.

I'm going to meet my half-sister and her beau today. At 11:00. M.'s coming, too. Yay! She sure seems sweet on the phone... I just hope I don't phlegm all over her. Nasty. Nasty. Cold. Yick.

This was to post from yesterday... silly blogger. =)

I've had so much to post lately, and silly me -- was over filling the blogger buffer and it wouldn't publish. Heh. So here's the short version.

The call went well on the 17th. Amazingly well. I know it's probably the "first blush" stage of a new relationship... but the connection is undoubtably there. Since the 2 and a half hour call with my B-Mom, I have also spoken to my half sister Carla (for about an hour and a half) - she tried searching for me last year, though things didn't get completed, and now I've found them... so it's all good. She'll be driving in to Vancouver tonight, and depending on how I'm feeling physically, we may meet up tomorrow for lunch and a photo exchange. I've been sick the last two days... nasty cold... keeping me up at night... so we'll see. I don't want to pass it on!

The move is going well... Slowly but surely. We moved all the crap I had out of storage and had the yard sale that I mentioned last post. We were selling things ridiculously cheap... and it paid off. Got rid of most of what we didn't need, and got some money to boot! Trying to get EI... got a notice from them that they're " looking into " my claim and "a decision will be made, soon". Meh. Hope it goes my way. I'll fight for it. Cuz, really, my leaving was mutual.

Sunday we went to Granville Island and picked up the clay mural by Bob Kingsmill. It's gorgeous. Just what I'd hoped for and more. I keep looking at it on our wall and thinking - my God, it's beautiful! Not only is it beautiful in itselft, but the fact that it's my engagement present (rather than the ring) makes it even more beautiful to me. The day was gorgeous and sunny, the air was crisp and clear and overall it was glorious.. until I got sick that evening... but we'll just wipe that part out of our memories, shall we? Yes. We shall. I have pictures of it, but I'm not at a computer that can hook up to my camera, so they'll have to wait until I am in Maple Ridge.

I'm working on writing down all my feelings and experiences with the adoption reunion... maybe I'll put it all in a book, one day?

That's all for now. I'm not feeling very well... the couch, some jell-o and a few DVDs ought to put me right to sleep. *snortle*

Ali's comin' up. w00t!

Continued from the 17th...

After the yard sale, dinner and re-arranging furniture last night, all my fears and expectations weighed in and took their toll on my tired mind. I felt overwhelmed, anxious, and absolutely deathly afriad of speaking to her today. Here ends my fantasy birth mother and begins a real human being. My REAL birth mother. I have no idea what to expect, and yet my fantasy birth mother is lingering in my mind with all of the expectations that fantasy includes. Those expectations don't mean that she is going to be the way I expect. The fear doesn't mean that there is actually anything to be afraid of. All they mean is that I have expectations, and that I'm feeling afraid. Period. End of story.

After those realizations, I was able to feel a bit better about things, not nearly so overwhelmed, not nearly so freaked out and out of control... I still felt afraid. I still had expectations, but I KNEW they didn't mean anything, and I could just let them be there... and then see what REALLY happened when we spoke.

I'm ready. Still afraid. Still full of expectations... but I'm ready.

This should have been posted on the 17th... but blogger would not co-operate until NOW. Grr.

Yard sale yesterday. After the amalgamation of two households by moving all my stuff out of storage, we had a lot of extra CRAP! Very tiring after being up until about 3AM with the play on Saturday and then the after-play get together at the director's house. Great bunch of people... talented AND fun. I'll miss them with the move to Vancouver. :-/

On Saturday afternoon just before I had to leave to get to the play setup, the social worker called me. My birth-mom had called her wondering how to get in touch with me, becuase she had called - she called last Monday and left a message with her mom's number on it. She has no phone. I dropped the ball somewhat and didn't call her back. I wrote, eventually, on Thursday night and mailed the letter on Friday. My excuse was that I didn't want to talk to my birth Grandmother first, I wanted to talk to HER first. Just an excuse. Since I had to leave the house in about 15 minutes, I asked if we could schedule something for Monday... I would be free, any time. We've arranged for me to call her at 1:00PM, at her mom's, today.

So many emotions have been running through me. Last night I FULLY realized what is going to happen to me today. Today, I am going to speak with my birth mother. I am actually going to hear HER voice on the phone and get to know how she expresses herself, whether she likes me or not... though I'll always have doubts on that front, I'm sure. I never really believe *anyone actually likes me. Not completely, anyway. I'm pretty sure this stems from being adopted. I have no idea what else will come of this conversation... we'll learn tons about each other, I'm sure.

Been figuring out what to do about the logistics of moving. Getting stuff out of storage before the 13th so as not to have to pay for another month, figuring out packing and when/how to move things from my brother's place to M.'s place, figuring out how to get cheap/free paint to paint my bedroom there before I leave.... all before the end of the month, while fitting in several rehersals and performances of "Eat Your Heart Out" with the Emerald Pig Theatrical Society as well as attending seminars and pottery classes.

Whew!

Not to mention finding work.

I have also finally heard from Family Services about my b-mom. I now know that this summer I was probably right accross the street from where she lives during my travels to the Kootenays.

Amazing.

I don't know if I'm pushing the impact of this news down or if the biggest impact (aside from actual contact with her) hit when I was informed that they'd found her, and that I have a full sister and a half sister...

So much to think about there, but I'm trying hard not to OVER think it - I don't want to stick any huge expectations on the meeting or on who she is, who they are, how I'll fit in, if I'll fit in... but I really can't help doing it. At least I realize that all they are is 'expectations' and they are no indication of what the reality will be.

Busy weeks ahead even without a job, though money will become an issue fairly soon. *sigh* Why can't I just be paid millions just to be the wonderful human being that I am? *cough*

How different has life turned out to be than I thought it would last March? I was ready to buy my own place/give up everything and travel/be on my own forever and ever amen.... and none of that has happened. I'm still changing and growing... I still miss George at times - mainly because his new woman has taken him away from me and made him see it as "weird" that we would still be friends. He made the choice to tell me how weird he now thinks it is, though... ah well. I vow to not initiate contact this time... but to wait and see what happens. He'll always have a friend here should he need one but the energy I've been putting into maintaining our friendship is costing me too much... up to him, now.

Instead of remaining single and becoming an old maid, I met M. He changed my mind about the being single thing by being so much like me. We share opinions, beliefs, hobbies, dreams..... so much.... and we're both at the same place in life. Not to mention that I think he's gorgeous. ;-) Big blue eyes, dark hair with big, loose curls, thick dark mysterious eyebrows, oh-so-kissable lips.... I could go on but I'm sure I already have at some time in this blog and I'd just be repeating myself. ;-)

Being engaged still doesn't seem real to me... I don't think it will seem real until we go and pick up our mural... is it just pre-engagement jitters? Is it the fact that life, once again, is upside down? The difference this time is that I know and can see the direction that I am headed. I know what I have accomplished by 2010. It's not just fluff any more.... though I still sit in inaction and don't go for it hardcore as I would like to be. Fear. Wimpy-ass fear. I can and will overcome it. I can and will accomplish something towards my future goals TODAY.

Better get on that. ;-)

Not feeling very motivated to find a new job this past week. Still not motivated to go out THIS week, either. Too much else going on. :-/

I'll be moving at the end of this month. Since M. and I will be engaged, my criteria for moving in together is satisfied and I will be moving back to Vancouver to share space with him and wonderful upstairs neighbours/landlords, too. I will miss this place, however. The yard rocks for Rainy, the house is cozy and sweet. The kitchen is large and functional... but I *will* have all my own kitchen supplies again, that'll make things better than they are there, now. ;-) We will also be able to paint and make it fun, funky and cozy the way I've made my room, here. Have to ask my roomies if they want me to paint that room back to beige (blah) before I go, or leave it as is. We shall see.

Things to do this coming month:

Find a job. Meh.
Do lighting for play. Whee!
Move things out of storage and into Vancouver.
Move me to Vancouver.
More pottery.
Make Soap. (I got a soap making kit for Christmas - belatedly yesterday...) and I just bought a great book from Value Village on soap making from scratch. Looks awesome and I plan to make lots. Expect soap, knitting (possibly) and pottery as Christmas gifts this year, folks. That's all you're getting!

Had a good visit with Mom learning and practicing the knit stitch for knitting... purl? perl? pearl? comes next... ;-) I'm slow and I add and drop stitches occasionally, but practice makes perfect. I have my Grandma's knitting needles and her knitting bag. It's very pretty, wicker-ish thing with bright coloured flowers all over one side. Very 60's my Mom says... Dunno, I wasn't around for those.

After the Mom and Dad visit, I went over to my honourary aunt and uncle's place. They're more like great friends of mine than friends of my Mom and Dad's... we talked about life, my Mom, my Dad, my wonderful M and a whole host of other things. We ate freshly baked scones and had tasty soup and when I wondered why I was yawning so much and checked my watch discovered that it was 10 minutes to midnight and I'd been there since around 4:15!! Time flies when you spend it with wonderful people.

Hum. How much more haircut can I be? I'll stop now and post again when I'm more inspired.