The power returns temporarily and I get lots accomplished and feel stronger than ever. Then I get tired or discouraged and the power to fight despair wanes and fails... I need the power. I HAVE the power. Fighting this will give me more power than I've ever had and I will keep fighting until I am free and strong and my own woman.

Maybe I'll wear my He-Man and the Masters of the Universe shirt tomorrow. Then I will have the power of Grey Skull.

Food will help and then sleep will help.

How easy it is to slip from a feeling of power to one of helplessness and despair. I try to analyze it, to fight it, to block it out... but the feeling creeps in again. It's relentless. I cannot give it to it or I will fall... and I may not be able to get back up. I feel the tears of hoplessness well up in my eyes as the feeling of despair creeps into my throat and I fight it with every positive thing that I am doing for myself. Sometimes they are not enough and for a moment the tears win... I will continue to fight these feelings of self-doubt and betrayal that are trying to overwhelm me.

I do not deserve to feel this way. I rail and rail and rail against it, and it keeps coming back at me. The fear of not being able to succeed. The fear of change. The fear of losing my power to another human being again... I don't want that! I want to be powerful and share my power with others who will share their power with me. There is no giving away of my power in my life any more. Only sharing. Growing. Keeping. I will NOT give it up for nothing again!

The TV keeps drawing me to it. It used to be my form of escape. My way to ignore the realitiy that I'm living in... now that I've cancelled cable I am fighting to stay emotionally stable and strong without having that escape. This will be a challenge. It is a challenge I want to face and to win. I KNOW it will make me stronger in the long run. Maybe I have half the battle won just by being aware.

I will not let these fears control me and subdue me!

Self doubt: "What if I don't find an apartment that will take Rainy? What if I do, but it's crappy and horrible?"

Answer: "I will put my belongings into storage and find someplace for Rainy and I to crash for a month, be that at my parents or somewhere else. I will MAKE my parents help me by lending me one of their cars. I will not settle for a crappy place to live. I DO NOT HAVE TO! There is always another solution, if I just look for it."

I am not alone in this, but it's easy to forget that I'm not, when I'm at home alone with no car and a feeling that no one could understand what I'm going through. I sink into fear and let the feelings of despair nibble at my soul with tiny painful bites. I fight against it. I temporarily win or lose and then the cycle starts all over again.

When the fears and self doubt come, I doubt every decision I have ever made.

Posting here helps, even though I'm sure anyone who reads this is well and truly tired of me repeatedly voicing my fear. Screw it. I will do what I have to do. I have internal drama of my own making enough for all.

Calling people to arrange to view apartments is a completely demoralizing experience. Sure, they should know how lucky they'd be to get ME as a tenant... but damn... I hate the feeling of having to suck up to people. Just have to rent ONE more place, save my sheckels and then BUY. This is just too painful. All the callbacks I've received so far are the "it's already rented" variety. All the calls I make are to apartment ads that don't *specifically* list "no pets" in their ads.. then I found one building with two ads -- one had "no pets" in the ad, and the other didn't.

I hate our residential tennancy laws that allow discrimination based on pet ownership. This site is trying to do something about it... but it will come too late for me, I'm afraid.

I'll have to go for a walk around the neighbourhood I'm trying to move to, tomorrow. Meh. Feh. Bleh.

I'm DETERMINED to find a place to live that doesn't suck. If I have to lie about not owning a pet to get in. I will. Bitches.

Blogger is SLOW today. Trying to add ariosa's journal to my list of blogs... to no avail. I haven't forgotten you, dear.

Going to a movie with Tusker today (Ice Age) and then my long weekend is over. I won't be back to work for another 2 weeks, but I have so much to do until then. I need to find a place to live where I can have Rainy. It may not be easy, but we'll see. The laws may change to my benefit, soon... and I'll fight tooth and nail to get my baby dog living with me.

I'm sure it won't hurt that she's going to be in a grooming contest at the beginning of next month, so she'll be gorgeous and clean (and have short, non-clicky nails).

Lots to do before then, and I'm going to start first thing tomorrow morning.

Turkey dinner. Goood.

Sleep. Goooood.

Sleep will clear the doubts that cloud my brain.
Sleep will heal the wounds that rend my soul.
Sleep will melt the ice that coats my heart.
Sleep will help my heart be once more whole.

There is something to be said for waking up with the dawn. Okay, maybe it wasn't quite "the dawn" but it was early. After getting dressed and organizing a few things that I wanted to go through today, I shooed George off to my bed to finish out his slumber. Now I can get busy and organize things around here.

On that note... I'd love to ramble on more, but I have too much to DO around here today before heading off to my parents' for the remainder of the weekend. Busy. Busy. Busy.

Life looks pretty good. Sometimes scary, but overall great. =)

I wish I could listen to somafm on my stereo out in the living room. :-/ Poo. I'll have to hook that up in the new place.

Now I lay me down to sleep.

Working on a Stat the last day before a two week "vacation" is ass. I say "vacation" because I don't get to go anywhere. Originally this time was booked off to go to Hawaii... but that didn't pan out... and things being as they are relationship-wise, I get to spend the time looking for a new place to live. The timing couldn't have been better, but it still sucks a little bit when I think that George is going to Hawaii for those two weeks.

Like I say, I'm going to miss him, but not as much as I would, were I still 'in love' with him. I also realize that I need someone who is firmly in the relationship as I am. He's not capable of that right now... and I certainly don't want to be a "place filler" while he waits for whatever it is he's waiting for before being ready to commit. I'm not looking for marriage, but I am looking for a partner who wants to go forward *with* me. I, too, need my own space and some time to get my head and heart together. George and I had a great relationship, one that will be VERY hard to top.

For now, I'm looking forward to having my own place for a year or so, being the only person to use my stuff unless I invite someone over, and being the only person who decides where the dog can go and what she can do while she's there. I enforced some rules for George's comfort that I can disregard, now! My baby-dog can cuddle in the bed with me anytime. *snuggle*

I'm a bit scared of not finding anything that will allow Rainy to live with me. That would suck incredibly, but I think my parents would be good sports and take Rainy until I can find a place that lets me have a dog. That is my absolute last and final resort... but it's good that it's there. Keeps the stress level where I can handle it without having to burst into tears every few hours.

Back to work for 20 more minutes...

Still too tired. Bed calling me...

However.

Baltimore has great people and terrifying people. I was more on edge in that city than I think I've ever been. It is a very blue collar city, and many of the people I saw behaved in larger than life, in your face, way out there, blue collar ways. It was like living in a Daytime TV talk show featuring Yo' Momma. There is such a division between black and white -- which is something I've never experienced, living in Vancouver. The division was palpable and almost seemed to be rising up in essence from the walls of the old buildings and the streets of the project housing that surrounds Johns Hopkins Hospital.

The cab drivers are completely crazy, but I think it's because they have to be. I've never heard car horns honked so much in my life, except in celebrating a wedding! These, though, were not celebratory honks. The drivers honk and yell and speed and cut people off... just like everyone else on the roads.

One night on the way back to the hotel from the hospital, we asked the driver to stop at a gas station. He obliged. I almost wish he hadn't. Two of us got out. Simon to buy smokes and me to get some bottled water. We were accosted by three large black men who asked us for change repeatedly and very loudly by getting right into our personal space and by trying to get right into our cab. The gas station attendant and all the wares that the gas station sold were behind 3/4 inch plexiglass. This should have been a BIG hint to us.

Nothing bad happened, but the cab driver did yell at the guy climbing in our cab and finally had to back up with the door open to get him out of our laps (four of us legitimately in the back seat) before driving very quickly off. Most interesting and eye opening stop to get water that I ever had.

I'll write more later, but for now I can barely keep my eyes open. Sleep time!

Home. Sweet. Home.

Too tired to post last night and now I must go to work.

We're still in the server room. Joseph is working his magic with the help of Simon, and the rest of us are done all that we can do and waiting for the magic to be complete. We could have left here about 3 hours ago... but being women and taking a taxi in Baltimore alone isn't the safest of ideas so they made us stay. I've been wheeling around in a wheelchair and snoozing. Playing my Delerium tape through the computer's speakers to dull the hum of the computers...

We'd damn well better get some sleep tomorrow...

Been thinking about George and I a lot. Been thinking about the new stage in life I'm approaching, going over my plans in my head, and for once in my life, they seem to finally be really solid. This is really what I want. I'll miss the snuggles. I'll miss having another human around. But honestly, I won't miss it *that* much... I"ll miss being able to say "he's mine". But, at last I am ready to live on my own. To have MY own place and plan and save and rejoice in MY future. I'm no longer going to wait around for someone to "make me happy", cuz boys and girls... that is a MYTH perpetuated by the evil that is the media. I'm just sucker enough to have believed in it for way too long.

Retirement planning, down-payment saving and travel are all in my future. So are decorating to suit ME -- apartment beige is going to get the hell out of my life. I'll just have to paint over my handiwork when I leave. SO not a big deal. I've spent some of my down time designing and sketching out ideas for a glorious spiraly, swirly painted on the wall headboard for my new place, and thinking about colours for other rooms... this is going to be FUN! One room at a time, when I can afford it, and I'll soon have a place that I'll never want to leave!

I hope that the place with the outdoor pool is nice and allows Rainy to live there with me.

Four hours of sleep after 17 hour 'at work' day is not enough. Especially when it's followed by another 15 - 16 hour workday.

Things done blowed up real good. Somehow, the server has an NTFS error. It is not happy. It is being rebuilt on site. Luckily, we had an extra day in the plans, unluckily, this means no Washington, DC for us... We kind of have to think it just wasn't meant to be... maybe the server is saving us from being arrested for being strange Canadian Tourists, or saving us from something even worse. Whatever the case, our job comes first. Poor Joseph is going to be stuck working on it all night long. Thank goodness he's along. The rest of us may be able to muddle through... but then again, we may not.

I love these little workstations all around the radiology department.. they give me blogger access so I can catch up on what my h0z are doing while I'm away... if only they'd UPDATE MORE! ;-) Wish they had MIRC or gave me access to install it...

Back to work and then hopefully back to the hotel for some sleep. Some of us should be fresh for tomorrow...

So. Finished. Finally.

I worked from 4:00pm until 3:00am on those frickin' unarchived cases... and damnit, I MADE THEM MY BITCHES!

That's right. I rock. Slowly.

Johns Hopkins Hospital is cool. Mr. Hopkins' name was Johns. Apparently it was a family name on his mother's side. A very cool security guard who obviously loves his job (yay!) told us all about Mr. Hopkins and the history of the University and Hospital. I took many pictures of the beautiful dome building and the 10 foot marble statue of Jesus The Consoler that is inside.

*ACHOO!!*

Anyone ever notice that sneeze smell? You know... metallic like iron.... or honey... I only know 2 people in the world that know about that smell. Do any of you?

Flitter. Flutter. Flight. Flight. Flew. Look at my thoughts go hither and thither...

So tired. So thirsty. So ready to go back to the hotel to sleep. I hope we get to go to DC on Sunday.

So.. that last update didn't do anything.

I'm on site. I'm trying to archive stubborn unarchived studies. They WON'T GO!!! I'm down to 23 from 49 but these last few just won't do anything I ask them to. Bitches.

So meanwhile I reboot the machines to see if that works and add to my pathetic blog.

Baltimore's cool. Baltimore's fun. Baltimore's on the east coast! It's my first time on the east coast, and I'm trying to find GOOD CRAB. So far it sucked... I'll try again some other day. The hotel is nice, WIndham Inner Harbor <-- silly Americans, where's the "u"? I took pictures. I'll post them when I get home.

Back to work....

It's waaaay too early. I leave for the airport in about 20 minutes. I probably won't have internet access for the next week, so go read about Ariosa's life instead. =)

Off I go to adventure! Chicago, Baltimore, Toronto, Home. Best possible way to reach me, maybe, kinda, sorta... qgirlz email.

It's incredible what a difference a day and a decision can make.

Last night I made the decision to wait to buy a place, to save money and find a rental apartment by the end of next month instead. I will be able to travel, find myself, and still have a home base to come back to... and suddenly a weight lifted from my shoulders, not to mention my heart... and I was free to rejoin the land of the living and connected to reality people. It's nice.

What is love if you can't let go? It's not.

Time to play RTCW, pack for my trip and hopefully get some sleep tonight - being at the airport at 5:00AM is some kind of ass. I also have to log in to work and update the masses as to where I'll be and what needs follow up while I'm gone. Joy.

The world is turning upside down. Nothing is as it was and it can never be, again. I just want to go screaming through the streets running until I can't run anymore. Screwdrivers in power outlets. Teeth gnashing. Hair pulling. Aything to end the numbness. To end the sadness. To make me feel hope again. To make me feel whole again.

I am empty. I am desolate. I am not handling this well.

The "work me" is a shell.. barely going through the motions... itching to scream and run and rage and cry... deeply entrenched in an inner world of my own making and hardly registering what's going on around me.

I'm not handling this well.

Why must I change?

Change is diffucult. Change is frightening.

Why must I change?

Because I never want to stop growing. There is no growth without change. Accepting and fully experiencing change is the only way to keep growing.

Why must I change?

I will not know who I am if I do not allow myself to experience change. I need to always know who I am.

lift-pull-flop lift-pull-flop lift-pull-flop

Whew! All done.

It's SEXY! But still red.... Look! Joshua, once again was entertaining. He's one sick little boy, but so much fun. =D

Devon was wonderful and showed up when I was taking my "pre-tatto pee break". I came out to Devon hugs (whee!) and she stayed all the way through, taking pictures and talking Pavlov, Schroedinger's Cat, blowjobs and sluts with us. She was inspired to really get her own tattoo soon.. and she wants to get Joshua to do it. I'll show up if she wants me there and take many pictures for her and laugh and talk and support her wimpy butt all the way through it!

Afterwards we headed up Robson Street, because I was still on a high from the whole experience *and* I was feeling thirsty. We wandered for a while, dropped by a few stores and finally got a drink and headed back to White Spot's burger place for some AWESOME fries and talk of men, life, the universe and everything. Glorious! Note to self... spend more time doing girl things with Devon.

I never have time for the Friday Five.. and most of you know my history with pets, so I'll skip it this week. =)

Tattoo shading day for me! I'm going on my own, Devon may drop by -- but whatever happens, it's cool. I'm really looking forward to it. Today was to be delivery day for my birthday present from my mom... but unfortunately I wasn't able to get in contact with the shipping department in time to let them know that I would be able to have someone here around the time that they had to come, so they didn't load it on the truck just in case. That's cool, it will arrive on the 30th in the morning, instead and I'll get to be here for it ~ otherwise George would have to hang out here to wait for it today because I will be at NeXT.

Finally got some decent sleep last night. Life is in turmoil in some very big ways right now... and planning for the future has kept my head busy and whirling too much to sleep well some nights. I got very comfortable with the way things were going... not exactly "happy" not exactly "unhappy", at different times a bit of both, but definitely "comfortable" for the most part. Big big changes in the wind.

For those who are curious and inventive, you have sources.

It's funny and I just realized this. I can always tell when I'm really and honestly experiencing life when Sarah McLaughlin's songs move me to the point of tears when I sing them or hear them. When I'm coasting, and not really living, I still like Sarah's music... but it becomes a bit too "challenging" for me. I can listen to it for a while, but then I sort of pull away from it. Not willing to get into the thick of it and feel deeply. Right now I'm down and dirty in the tough reality that is life and Sarah's music reduces me to tears of laughter, joy and pain almost instantly. Thank-you, Sarah. One day I'd like to meet you and thank you in person.

I've thought about it and mccow is right. Travel is the way to go.

Now comes the planning and outfitting and selling of all things worldly to make it happen! I'll fill everyone in on details later, but I wanted to thank //cow for making me think.


RAOWR

I called and cancelled the cable TV today and it feels really, really good. I got a few choruses of "WHY!?" from some co-workers, but one quietly respected my decision and wished he could get his S.O. to see that getting rid of cable would be a good thing. Another is already among the ranks of the cable-less and he cheered for me, too.

Cancelling cable is definitely not something that everyone needs to do. I, however, am weak and must remove this evil that so easily drains my brain. =)

The non-confrontational wuss in me was vanquished. It really can help, sometimes.

Those of you who need to know that I love you... I hope you do.

On to yet another rant...

Life is short. Many of us waste this short and precious time with things that don't matter. We waste them with things that rot our brains and turn creativity into mush. I begin to live the life that is programmed for me everu time I turn on the television. I'm feeling more and more strongly that I want to cut off cable completely. I don't need TV for news or entertainment. I can find out what I need to know online or from listening to everyone at work talk about what they saw last night. And television entertainment? That kind of entertainment keeps me slogging along like a drone. Never really feeling anything. Being fed what to feel by Survivor, COPS, Elimidate and Friends. Flipping through channels endlessly to find out if "something's on". Even if "nothing good" is on, I sometimes even end up droning away to the Maury Poviches and Sally's of the world. It's such a waste. There are some really, really horrible things out there that are disguised as "good television". Then there are the things that don't even bother to disguise themselves. I think I saw an ad for a celebrity match fight between Danny Boniducci and Todd Bridges. What. The. Hell.?!?! Television has sunk to new lows. Mass media runs the world, is pure evil and Oprah is the Devil.

I definitely don't need that in my life. Time to have a serious talk with George about our cable.

Even more time for sleep.

www.somafm.com is good. Go there and get yourself some e-m webradio goodness. It's stuff you won't hear on the regularly scheduled programming of local radio stations and it inspires me to create Black Sheep Goodness for my new web presence.

Currently, I'm listening to Groove Salad.

The Friday Five

1. What makes you homesick? Thinking about my dog and the water. Thinking about my own bed. Thinking about how cheap and plentiful is the sushi.



2. Where is "home" for you? Is it where you are living now, or somewhere else (ie: Mom & Dad's house, particular state/city)? Canada... the west coast... Vancouver.



3. What makes it home for you? People? Things? The air, the water the apartment, the sushi.



4. Where is the furthest you've been from home, miles-wise? Jamaica in the Carribean.



5. What are your plans for this weekend? Not too much In fact, as little as possible.



I'm going to start on that... right now.


Goodnight!

I suddenly feel like I'm getting sick again... that would suck, especially since I'm still not totally over my previous cold. I think I'll get a ride home with the kindly Karl and perhaps wander up and get a "Best Defense" smoothie. Lots of vitamin C, ecchinacea, Goldenseal and yummy fruit. It always makes me feel like I'm doing something for myself. Then I'll snuggle up with my dog on the couch and give her tummy rubs and ear scritches and other puppy-lovin'. I'm still inspired to work on my website some more and to find a good flash memory mp3 player (no hard drives, please!) so I can take my music with me anywhere. If anyone has any good suggestions, I'd love to hear from you! Please email me epona @ qgirlz . com.

It's snowing again, today. Mid-sized, light, fluffy flakes that drift up almost as much as they drift slowly down. I wonder if it will cover the ground tonight... Very unusual for this time of year in Vancouver, but pretty and peaceful, nonetheless.

Time to go home! Whee!

'course... sleeping in for me might be all of 7:00AM... Luxury! A whole two and a half more hours of sleep than usual! Honstly, I know I'll be up by 8:00am at the latest. Feh. I don't really want to stay up late tonight, because I have to work at 6AM on Monday, too.... and that'll just mess me up.

Saturday will be a sleeping in kind of day. Oh yes. Oh yes, indeed.

Here's to Friday. I don't have time for the Friday Five... too much work to do. :-/

C'est la vie.

Tonight found me grooving to some sweet soft house music and doing more work on The Black Sheep Journal. It's coming along as a concept... and making it a reality is bringing the joy of the creative process back into my life. Now how do I make an optional mp3 play in the background? WHEE!

I like DJ Q - Glasgow's Jazz. Good web design music for me... and reminds me of what Joshua was playing while I was getting tattoo'd. Music that puts me in a yummy mood. I like feeling yummy. I hope my books come soon so I can discover more yummy things about myself.


Sleep is calling me. Dreamland. Otherworldly.

Meantime, go get yourself some Delicious. Juice.

I want to go home. My shift ended 45 minutes ago. Bastards.

Slipping into unhealthy. Unaware of the outside world. Living happily without conflict in a world created on the inside. Causing disharmony in reality.

My back itches. It's also flaking off black flakey bits without my help. *pat* *pat* *slap* *spank* *ahhhhhhhhhhh*

After posting last night, feeling all depressed and down, I read Gretchen's journal. She made me smile again. Thank-you, Gretchen. *hug*

All in all, I think we make way too big a deal out of birthdays. The years are just a number, it's experiences that really count. But, be it consiously or subconsiously we all want our day to be special. However, there is such a thing as not making a big ENOUGH deal out of birthdays. I didn't realize it yesterday, but today it's as clear as bottled water... George didn't do enough for my birthday. I could care less about what everyone else does, but a little touch like a card, flowers, dinner made for me... something... ANYTHING out of the ordinary and special would have been nice. He did pay for my sushi. Which I suggested. Which I ordered. Which we get all the time. But what I really wanted was a little pampering on the day. It is more difficult when we're both working, and especially so when I work at 6AM and have to go to sleep really early... but showing someone you love that you really do care about them, that you really do value them, that you remembered them, and took the time to do something for them... that can be done at any time during the day or night. Leave a gift, a flower, a card, a note... just do it.

I guess it's partly my fault for not letting him know what a big deal it is to me, but for most people it's an unwritten rule. Especially the birthday of your lover. I think I'll have a talk with him tonight and let him know that next year will be different, and that this weekend had better rock my world to make up for this year!

RTCW fun. RTCW frustrating when you only get to play 3 on 2. Meh.

Birthday over. Down in the dumps feeling setting in. Why is that? I feel like I need a good cry... and I don't even know what for. I saw many people that I care about, today, at work and at home, and I got unexpected gifts, which is wonderful... but now that the day is over, I feel kind of ... well... "meh".

I'll go escape in some fiction and deal with it tomorrow. Apparently that's what Nine's of the enneagram do.

Happy Birthday to me. =D

Work commenced this evening on a new and glorious design for epona.com. I'm debating, somewhat, whether or not to use that domain for my new site. The only reason I'm debating it because my parents' know that URL and they may be shocked by what they see if they happen to go there... but then again... I am working hard on being the best Official Black Sheep of the Farrell Family that I possibly can be. If I don't just get brave and stand up for myself, how will I ever find out who I really am?

...I can always wait for the Mother-Gaining-Knowledge-of-the-Massive-Tattoo-I've-Just-Put-on-my-Body-Surprise-Lawn-Bowling-Party-and-Bat-Mitzvah and see what happens.

Black Sheep? More like Lily-livered Chicken.

Wish my mom could be as supportive and enlightened as Ali's Mom... much love to the Gretchen.

I'm on the 6AM shift, so it's time for bed.

Can anyone tell me why, every day around this time, a huge murder of crows flies by heading towards the east? Where are they going? What do they do when they get there? Am I the only one who notices? I see them from my apartment in Yaletown, I used to see them from my apartment in Mount Pleasant, and I've seen them near my work in Richmond. What gives?

This requires further investigation.

Tattoo status: itchy but not scratchy *pat pat pat*
Weather: Sunny and cool
Personality Type: Nine

Joshua at NeXT both decorated and inspired me, yesterday. I was told that I'm remarkably good at sitting for a tattoo. The first three hours were a relative piece of cake, and then my threshold for pain just suddenly... ended. The last hour was excruciating, but I sat as still as I could and just lived for the fact that as soon as the gun wasn't touching my skin any more, it stopped hurting.

During the first few hours, Joshua and I discussed such things as the way the media and not the government controls the world, the ramifications of September 11th, The Enneagram and the nine personality types (he's a four, I'm a nine), and he let me read two wonderful books by Shel Silverstein called "The Missing Piece" and "The Missing Piece Meets the Big O". I was enthralled and engaged, both my mind and my body being altered. I've already ordered the "The Missing Piece Meets the Big O" from Chapters.ca, and also placed an order for the book Personality Types, of which I was only able to read the basics about my personality type.

It was frightening and exhilarating. Reading about the Nine personality type was like reading a book about the ups and downs of my life. I want to be the best Nine that I can be, because I've never been there... it will take spiritual growth, more ups and downs, and really making myself be INVOLVED in life, rather than hiding out in my own dream world. I'm fascinated. I'm amazed. I'm willing to start working on that right NOW.

Tattoo linework.

I'm beat. About four hours under the gun.... and I am going to rest, now. I completely love what we've got so far, and shading to come in two weeks. Rockin'. Good night. ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

More details later.

The weekend is going wonderfully and today is tattoo day. =)

I went yesterday to see the design that Joshua had come up with for me, and it was more wonderful than I had imagined it could be. I'm absolutely thrilled with the design and I'm ready to undergo the needles at 11:00 today. I also get to meet Devon, again, cuz she's coming down to hook up with Dee and see the "first timer" experience that I have.

I just hope my cough doesn't interfere... seems good so far! Wh00t!

Too excited to post more, but pictures and experience will be posted later.

This cold has hit me harder than I realized. I got home, took the dog out, came back upstairs and passed out on the couch.... after mulling over something very odd that I saw on the way home.

I was driving down Cambie Street and sitting at the light on 12th. I saw a touring cyclist pull up to city hall, light a cigarette, pull out a Canadian flag and the proceed to try to light it on fire! I swear I was already out of it at that point, because I just couldn't believe what I was seeing. I have no idea what his agenda was... maybe he's just really sick of seeing Canadian flags after the Gold Medal celebration that was our country on Sunday afternoon. Who knows? Still perplexes me.

I'm still so tired, but thougt I'd update... for whatever it's worth.

I'm really looking forward to Ali, Christy and Kimli are coming up/over on Thursday! A whole weekend of love. Just us girls. ;-) We'll take pictures, I promise. We probably won't share the really good ones, but I promise we'll take some! What are we going to do? Granville Island, Tattoo Parlour, Truthe or Dare, Strip Joint? Whatever we end up doing, I'm sure we'll have fun. I want to take the girls to late night improv at Granville Island. I think we can arrange it... wh00t!

Canada is the First Nation of Hockey once more. Fifty years after our last Olympic Gold Medal in Men's Ice Hockey, Team Canada finally did it again. This victory was sweet, but the women's victory was sweetest to me... they just had so much more invested in that game. After all, they don't get to go back to professional hockey teams and making millions of dollars on Monday... I'm so very proud of our Canadian Women's team.

Still, we had some mad scenes in Vancouver... check out a pic that a friend of mine took of Robson Street just after the game, today. It was still like that hours later. In fact, it's probably still like that, judging from the intermittent honking I can hear outside. People in cars honking and screaming. People on the street screaming and yelling. Everyone waving, wearing or inventing Canadian flags. DieharD, Rainy and I all joined in the fun when we went to try and get smoothies. Smoothie place was closed, but Robson Street beckoned... So much noise and yelling with absolutely everyone happy. Still makes me smile. Hope nobody got hurt in the wild abandon.

GO CANADA GO!

I think I'll bring my little flag to work with me tomorrow!

1. Hey, baby, what's your sign? Do you think it fits you pretty well? Pisces. Dreamer. Yep.

2. What's the worst birthday gift you've ever received? At the time, being dumped on my Sweet 16, when I would finally be allowed to actually go out on a DATE with the guy I was "going out with". We had phone dates. Thank goodness I never went on a real date with him!

3. What's the best birthday gift you've ever received? Horseback riding lessons from my parnets.

4. What's the best way you've celebrated your birthday thus far? I think the best one is coming up... so maybe I can answer this after next weekend? ;-)

5. What are your plans for this weekend? Get over this illness. Talk to Joshua about my tattoo. Go out to dinner at La Terrazza for a Late Valentine's Dinner. Prepare for Bridal H0z invasion! Wh00t!

Off. Work. Sick. Bleh.


As the t-shirt says, "Canadian girls kick ass!" Hooray for our Gold Medalists the Canadian Women's Hockey Team.

So far no adverse affects from this morning's run-in with a mercedes. Hope I scratched it, but good. Crazy lady drove away without a word of apology, concern or even anger that I got in her way. I guess a glaring, swearing, fuming Heather isn't something you want to mess with if you know you're in the wrong. Or else she just didn't notice. Biatch.

The range of my emotions went from terrified, to furious, to terrified, to furious, to happy to be alive and unscathed. That's where it stands, now. Happy to be alive. It could always be so much worse. Thanks go to Cow for the BurgerKing run and the easing of my frazzled nerves.

I still feel safer on my bike than in cars with aggressive drivers.

On a happier note, I became inspired to begin working on a new design for my own domain, which I haven't touched in over a year. Gonna move this beast over there, when it's ready and add some other SPIFFY STUFF> Yegads. My keyboard needs cleaning. I hate when keys get stuck.

Off to bed.

Getting knocked off your bike in traffic makes you feel angry, terrified, fragile and powerful all at the same time. It also makes you shake like a mother-bitch. I'm still shaking almost too much to type. But I'm alive, physically unscathed, and many parents and teenagers outside the school I was in front of now know enough curse words to make DeeAy proud.

Excuse me while I shake.

McCow ended his protest. I know what it was about.

Thanks cow.

11 pm and I'm still awake. Mainly because I don't have to be at work tomorrow until 9:30.. which means I stay until 6pm. That part sucks, but the sleeping in certainly doesn't.

I have to try to ride at some point this week. I think my bicycle has forgotten who I am over the last month. The bus and my good friend Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever know exactly who I am, however. There are two main drawbacks to riding a bike to work. The first is flat tires. Painful. Annoying. The second is not being able to read the book you don't want to put down while you ride!

First Tattoo coming up in less than two weeks! Still haven't spoken to Joshua about it this week... I'll call him from work and find out if he's started on it so I can come see it this coming weekend to approve it. It has to be just right, after all! I laugh at myself all the time over the debate that rages in my head. "Do I tell mom or not?" In the past, my body-mods have been 'discovered' by my mom... both of them when we were golfing at the same golf course on occasions two years apart! The only two times I've ever been to that golf course. My mom usually makes some kind of exclamation that sounds like she's very disappointed in me. She does those noises very well.

I honsetly don't care what she thinks, but I know how stressed out she will make herself about it. Silly Mom, my life is for me!

I bit my tongue ring tonight. Hard. I chipped my molar. It doesn't hurt, but it's rough and it sux. Now I have to do what I've been putting off for far too long and go to the dentist.

Fear.

Joining The Friday Five club:

1. What was the first thing you ever cooked? I really don't know. Toast? I think I helped my mom make Peanut Butter Cookies. Yum. First pie I baked was a cherry pie. My mom and I were humming that song "can she bake a cherry pie, billy boy, billy boy?" the whole time. I even have a picture of me with that pie. Freak.

2. What's your signature dish? I don't really have ONE signature dish. My favourite easy one is chicken breasts with white wine and herb sauce. My signature desert is an extremely rich Cheesecake.

3. Ever had a cooking disaster? (tasted like crap, didn't work, etc.) Describe. Somehow, I managed to burn rice.Multiple times. It stinks. It tastes BAD. Even if you only burn it a little bit and eat the non-burned parts... somehow they take on the taste of the burnt crusty stuff that sticks to the bottom of the pan. Now I just start it to a rolling boil and turn off the heat. Perfect!

4. If skill and money were no object, what would make for your dream meal? Perfectly blue rare tender steak, digby scallops, sashimi... baked cheesecake for desert... Bad question. I love food. Period.

5. What are you doing this weekend? Going to see Lord of the Rings again on the big screen. This time with Tusker and Roomie Guy. Talking to the tattoo artist about my new (first!) tattoo design. As little else as I can get away with.

Do you ever have days where you see someone you care about feeling down or de-motivated and then try to cheer them up or pump them up and just end up talking about yourself? Ever feel dumb as rock because of it? Yeah... me too. It sucks. Note to self: Shut the hell up.

So lots of thoughts over the weekend... mostly when I wasn't hanging out with other people. Thoughts about life, about tattoos and about relationships. Thoughts about travel, about friends, about the pain in my aching, overworked muscles. Thoughts about how incredibly ironic it was that super-hairy-hot-tub-stranger-guy was saying that Brooke Shields needed to shave her eyebrows... when he had enough back fur to pose as a sasquatch. ;-) Beer never really brings out the best in people. I held my tongue (and happily played with my tongue bar-bell) while sharing a knowing look and a mutual giggle with Sam, my co-worker's lovely wife, who was sitting next to me.

I may share my thoughts on these and other pressing issues later... but for now it's time to let my body get some much needed rest.

Sun Peaks rocks my world.

OH my aching arm.

My right forearm hurts like someone took my skin off, rubbed a rough pumice stone up and down my tendons, sprinkled some lemon juice and pepper on it and then replaced the skin. It aches, it burns, it's not fun. It's probably due to work and riding my bike so much.

I need a new bike, soon... and I'm seriously considering a recumbent bicycle. I want one that's comfy, can can hold my current panniers and racks, and one that I can lock up well. I'm not in cycling for the competition. I'm in it for the exercise and enjoyment... I'm researching recumbents, now.. I'll let you know what I find out.

I miss my dog. She's at Nana and Poppa's house (the Grandparents of the Granddog) for the weekend, since we're going away and today was the only day before we leave that I could get her out there. She's so good. I was getting ready to leave to come back home and she was all antsy, wanting to come with me, whining and wiggling... and then I simply told her, "Rainy, you stay here, " like I do when I leave home for the day. She just went into the living room and lay down on the floor, quiet as you please. She knew that's what I expected of her and that she wasn't coming with me. Amazing dog. I sure love her. I pick her up on Monday night. =)

Bed. Sleep. Good.

Oh! Go see Chica's new journal! It's spiffy and she did all the work herself. Darn fine job for a first timer... she's starting to inspire me! =)

How tough it can be to figure out what you REALLY want in life. I swear, at my age I should be over this angst stuff. I guess some people become teenagers later in life than others.

Had somebody flirt with me at the dog park today. Strange. He wasn't my type.. a little too "party guy/part-time smoker" but it was interesting and a bit flattering. His dog was funny, though -- a Rottie who has a strange obsession with rocks. He loves to dive in the water to dig them up and carry them back on shore. Our little "beach" near the dog park is nothing BUT rocks, so he was having a ball and looking very proud of himself with each new rock he brought out of the water. Brian, (the guy) called Jake (his dog) a "Rockweiler". Heh.

There's another dog in our building called Moses, and he too is obsessed with rocks. He must be a Jack Russel/Rock Terrier cross. (actually a fox terrier cross) because he does the very same thing. He also hates all other dogs except Rainy who he plays with like a long-lost best friend, which is pretty cool. Rainy rocks and she still has gold metallic nails.

Time for bed. A weekend of snowboarding, glass cutting, apartment cleaning and playing Return to Castle Wolfenstein is over.

I've been sent a link to this journal and I just had to share it with you all. I laughed until my sides split and the tears were streaming down my face so that I had to wipe them away to keep reading. These are the "V. Secret Diaries" of all the Lord of the Rings main characters. With a twist. Wonderfully done, I highly reccommend you read these where you won't annoy anyone by snorting, cackling or otherwise guffawing in a loud and embarassing manner. I also advise you not to be drinking anything that might come shooting out your nose and get all over your computer.

V. Secret Diaries of Lord of the Rings characters.

Cow.


Update.


Please?

Leper! Outcast! Unclean!


I think everyone feels like Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever at one time or another. Great books! I borrowed them from Tusker's Roomie Guy and I'm eating the first one as fast as my free time allows. Thank goodness for taking the bus on snowy days. I get to read. =)

What the hell is so great about "Super Size"? Why must everything always be BIGGER! NOW WITH MORE REAL CHEESE! DOUBLE PATTY! EXTRA LARGE FRIES! I can get by and feel full on a kids meal when I eat at a fast food joint. Why do they always want to make me eat more?

I think it's just human nature to want MORE! BIGGER! We equate it with BETTER! FASTER! SUPERIOUR! When really, it's just superfluous. Extra. The Big Extra? Extra large pepperoni with double cheese?

Maybe once in a while, but the way commercials and television, and even the people in my office talk... you're getting ripped off if you don't get the largest portion of whatever greasy fried cheese-laden food you've ordered all for just 39 cents more.

Eat less. Feel better. Live longer.

Played RTCW multiplayer with my h0z for the first time tonight. Played single player for the first time LAST night. That game is LUSH. I'm one of those rare women who love War movies. I find them heroic, glorious, gory, horrible and fascinating. I'd rather watch a war movie than a light romance film ANY DAY... and Return to Castle Wolfenstein feels just like being in a War Movie!

We're recruiting for like-minded females who want to play some RtCW. Check it out.

I just realized today that angry butt-pimple man takes the 7AM bus. He's pretty quiet in the morning, thankfully.

I'm still at work and cursing the busy state our office is in. It's TOO busy. We need more staff. They're on their way, but they won't be all trained up and ready to go for two to three months. The only one who has started on the phones and contributing in less than two months so far is my friend McCow. He rocks. Even though he never updates his journal.

So now I kill time until George gets to leave.

Our stock jumped up today after the release of our fourth quarter results.. there is tons of speculation in the office about where it's going to go from here. Last year at this time it was around $2.50. Now it's over $27.00 Damn, but I should have bought at $2.50.

Time for me to try to talk George into leaving early.

Been tired and sore throated since Friday. I actually got away from work nearly on time today.

I'm looking out the apartment window at the buidlings accross the way. It's strange when a bunch of people all have the same TV show on and the screens all flicker at the same time, like they do at Future Shop in the Wall-o-TVs. Wonder what they're watching. Don't really care.

Instead of wasting my time with TV, I'm planning how to save money for trips to exotic locales, playing Return to Castle Wolfenstein and having my computer lock up *DAMN YOUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!*.

Been taking the bus more, lately, what with the weather and all... there are some really, really nice people, some really really mediocre people and some REAL butt-pimples. We wait. 45 minutes. A bus comes. It is full. Angry swollen butt-pimple guy runs over to bus where driver is letting someone OFF and repeatedly hits the side of the bus and screams at the driver to let him on. If you were the driver of that bus would YOU let him on? Nuh-uh. Didn't think so.

Angy swollen butt-pimple man comes back to us and starts ranting at us about how horrible the bus service is. He wanted to catch the 98 B-Line which is only a 25 minute walk from where we were standing. Did I tell him this? You bet. Shut the hell up angry swollen butt-pimple man! Relax and enjoy the sunshine that we get so precious little of during the wet wet winter.

Ahhh... much better.

I forgive you for being annoying angry swollen butt-pimple man. You can't help it. Your ignorance isn't really annoying so much as it is sad. You'd probably live longer and be less swollen and angry if you just realized how great it is to be able to stand in the sun on a winter afternoon. Hope you figure it out one day.

Well. I sold my half of the Talon to George today. Makes my life easier, his life harder (but with car) and I still get to use it. Rockin'. We'll go make it official tomorrow. This way I can afford Hawaii and weddings this year, and Peru next year... who knows.. maybe I'll even go back to school now that I'm footloose and fancy free. It's funny. You'd think we'd do something like this if we were breaking up, but actually, this is making us stronger and closer. We had a great day today, lots of communictaion, a little nookie *raowr*, cleaning up the place together, dinner and a movie ~ all after our financial dealings were done.

I also took some movies and pictures of the snow we had today as viewed from our apartment. It was DUMPING. =) Now Vancouver is a magical (melting) winter wonderland. Hope it's not too slushy for my journey to work tomorrow.

Time for bed. Pictures will be HERE when I put them up.

My dear friend Laura from high school just told me something beautiful. She and her loving hubby are with child! Warmest and most joyful feelings are radiating from the very centre of my soul at hearing the news. I'd post her email here, but she'd probably end up with more spam that well-wishes thanks to the internet spam-bots.. but send your good thoughts and best wishes her way... or my way, and I'll pass them on Spam free!

*bounce* baby! *bounce*

I love my h0z. They can always make me feel better about the world. How did they do it this time? Just by being them... oh and by telling me that they're coming up ONE DAY EARLIER in March. =) WHEE! Time to book Friday off that week.

Zoom!

Why do I stay?

Wow. 2 days in a row it has snowed here. Being from the Wet Coast, snow is magical to me. It's never very cold when it snows, and it doesn't last long before becoming slush that melts away into just more wet winter. Big fat flakes falling down and floating up past my 19th floor window. Kinda cool. =)

I wish I could bring DeeAy back here (with her RakE, of course!) so she could live as a West Coastie again... and not dread getting out of bed to the skin cirsp-i-fying air of a real prarie winter.. Here we need dehumidifiers, there she needs rain.

(went back to bed for 2 hours and read some of Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever)

STILL snowing. Teensy flakes, now.. but it seems to be starting to stick even here. That means the rest of the lower mainland is in for it big time.

I should get cracking on some projects around here while the pain has subsided... that time of month is evil to me some months. This month was one of them. Sweaty, painful, dry-heavy kind of evil. But I slept through most of it, so now I'm looking to not put my day off to waste!

Also have to go down to the rental office and give them new cheques for rent. We've been here a year as of Feb1... and the first day we moved in DeeAy and RakE came to stay with us. =) Then we went to Lansanity. Then I heard that I got the job that I currently work at. Cool. Good memories, and better to come! All the bridal hoz will be here the first weekend in March. I can hardly wait!

Okay... boring as hell update, but there you have it. I'm going to go cut glass and find my way down to Prompton's office to drop off paperwork etc.

On my ride home, I discovered what I thought was the looseness of the headset on my bike. Wrong! I wore it out! Already! I just had it fixed, what? Two years ago... guess I've been riding a bit more than I used to. *GRIN* In fact, I will soon (in a few days) be at 2000 kilometres since I bought my new Cycle Computer this summer. That's pretty cool! Imagine all the gas I've saved myself! If I were to drive 2000 kilometres in the car, that'd be about $240 in just a few months!! Rockin'.

So on the way home, I cycled in to my friendly neighbourhood Cambie Cycles to have them tighten what I thought was my loose headset.. they pointed out my mistake and I arranged for them to fix it up.. They specialize in recumbent bicycles, but they work on old clunkers like mine, and they treat you fairly. They also listen to very eclectic music in the shop, which is an absolute delight.

So I'm going to get the bearings replaced in my headset, and I know my bike is falling apart slowly... so I've been thinking about buying a new bicycle. I don't want something that is inviting to theives, but I want something durable, comfortable to ride long distances on, and I want something that will work with the majority of the gear that I already have. The people at work already think I'm a freak for riding to work all year long, anyway... so I might as well reinforce this fact by getting a recumbent bicycle! The ultimate nerd-mobile!

I tried the R40 Under Tiagra today. I was a tad wobbly, but I got used to it fairly quickly. My very first time on a recumbent was like learning to ride all over again. Turning scared me, so I didn't try that in the tight alley that I rode the bike in... it was funny, the salesguy was running along behind me supporting the bike for the first bit... it was like Dad helping me on my way... I soon outpaced him and found my balance.

One word. Comfort.

I chose the short wheelbase with low handlebars. VERY comfy. It comes in red or blue. I like blue. Now it's only $1700 away. Ugh. Not this year, methinks. But boy-oh-boy would my nether-bits ever thank me.

*COUGH* *CHOKE*

I-swam-in-cologne-stink-man just arrived.

Can't he tell that he's using too much?!?!?!? And I wonder why the inside of my nose is raw. Holy smokes.

Ugh. It's way too early to be at work. It's way too early to have ridden my bike all the way here. Damn but I feel lazy today. =) At least I got enough sleep last night. I weighed in this morning (every Monday morning) and my blessed scale says I'm 161 lbs. I have no idea how that happened... must be a mistake. Last monday was 167lbs -- and what with having a sore throat last week and having my hamstring hurt after riding to work once, the only thing I stuck to was eating right. No working out... strange. I'll be good this week, too and see what happens.

Stick to the diet. Stick to the diet. Stick to the plan. Stick to the plan.

Get a life? Have one? Feh.

Rat in a race, running a maze that only has dead ends. How do I achieve my dreams? How do I know what they are? What's real and what's conditioned?

Better learn soon, or it will be too late.

Yawn!

Not enough sleep last night, and early early early work day tomorrow.

We managed to make it out to the Vancouver Motorcycle Show in Abbotsford today, to join Cow and Babyblade. George posted all the pictures here. My hair is growing. Wow.

Been doing a lot of thinking today about where I want to go with my life. Hell.. I'm not sure, very few among us that I know of are certain of what they want to do with their lives. What are some things I would love to do?

Go to cooking school and become a chef.
Run a Bed and Breakfast.
Travel all over the world self-sufficiently (ie: backpack/tent/etc.)

Obviously not in that order... but something like that could really fulfill me, I think.
I should look into this stuff... cuz computers are cool and alll --- but they don't really make me feel fulfilled.

I've started on the travelling self-sufficiently thing. I have a list of supplies and gear that I need, I've started slowly buying it -- over the next year I'll have everything I need of good quality, Hopefully I can test it out this year a bit before the big Peru trip that I have planned for next June. I got a stove this weekend. MSR Whisperlite International 600. Cross that off my list.

The list so far:

Arcteryx Bora 75 Backpack (Womens' Standard)
MEC Wanderer 2 Tent (mesh or regular.. not sure yet)
MSR Water Filter (can't remember brand off top of my head)
A good compass
MSR Cookware
Dromedary bag to fit MSR filter
Good Merrel boots
and some other miscellaneous stuff.

I already have a nice sleeping bag and some good long underwear/down/fleece clothing. But really, I sometimes feel like selling all the crap I have and living out of the tent. I'll just shower at work, thanks. ;-) That would probably get tiring really soon.

Bike Touring seems to be out for now... I'd worry about my bike too much... and besides, my bike is in dire need of some repair/maintenance -- I barely trust it to ride to work and back these days. Getting flats in the BC winter dark and rain really takes the desire to cycle to work right out of me... but I will persevere. Maybe once I have my head on a bit straighter and my finances in better order I'll look into getting a recumbent cycle.

Living within my means... Going out of my mind...

How in love am I with the DeeAy? Lots.

She makes my day with her rants, raves, boobs and cocks, phone booths, bags of hell and other choice nubbins.

How in love am I with the Trillian? :Lots.

She inspires me with her energy, her drive, her determination and her successes. She motivates me to get over it and "Just Do It". She can do things many others have not been able to, but she believes in each and every one of her friends.

I'm soooo tired tonight, mainly due to fighting off some kind of throat-attacking, gland-swelling nastiness that is going around at work. I haven't even worked out in the last three days. Ugh. But then again, I haven't felt much like eating tons, either... so it'll all work out in the end. But despite this tiredness, this lack of energy and oomphf, I click on the DeeAy and the Ookla in my links bar and follow my browser to the lands of the lives of my friends.

I then update this and follow my own links over to Chica the QGirl-I-have-yet-to-meet-but-love-vicariously, Babyblade-the-wise-beyond-her-years and the ever-negligent-about-posting Cow. Luckily, I see Cow at work every day... so it's not such a big deal.

Share the love. Go say hello.

Morning and there's a lump in my throat.

No, I'm not emotionally moved by something to the point of tears... I'm just fighting off the evil that is everyone at work having been sick the last few weeks. I'll beat it. Drive to work and get a Best Defence smoothie on the way. =)

Saw Amelie on the weekend with Marcy and Roomie Guy. I loved this film. This girl was ME as a little kid (except I had an annoying brother). I love Amelie and I need to get the soundtrack.

Working out where to get the tattoos done. I think locally would be best -- someplace we can walk to from here... rather than piling into a car and driving anyplace far far away and wasting our entire weekend. I'mma try NeXT, I think-- that's where I got metal put into my body and I like Josh's work a lot. We are just getting "flash" sort of, anyway... something small and not too complicated. It's my first. I'm finally ready to become the Black Sheep irrevocably! Aaron at work basically tells me that piercings are wimpy because you can "take them out". So maybe that's why wimpy me got them in the first place... to shock but be able to go back to "normal" afterwards. I sure don't want to be "normal" anymore.

Time for work..... how... normal. :-/

B1 d t- k s- u-- f i o++ x e l+ c-

Weekend. That used to be a time for me to just be me and not have to worry about work. It still is. Only now, it really MEANS something. At work I feel quite stressed by my large number of issues and my inability to get complete closure on all of them. I like closure. Closure is good. It's also nigh impossible to get in life.

I can see why people go out and party their faces off on the weekend. They get drunk to forget the meaningless drivel that is their lives during the week. They dance to work off some of the insane, inane stress of their lives as worker bees. Personally, I still don't think I'll ever be a big party girl... but I do like to dance once in a while. Only 11 days into January and already I'm behind.

Body for Life... gotta get with it. The eating I'm doing *okay* on... the exercise I'm doing *okay* on... but the hot body and self confidence and knowledge that I can really do something that I set out to accomplish will take more than just being *okay* about doing something. Feh.

I get inspired and then it dies out. Too quickly.

I'm going to change that.

I want to go to hawaii with George. Anyone know a place to get cheap flights?

Lemme know.

In other news, Heather has announced that going to Peru this year would be a financial strain, and possibly jeapordize the amount of enjoyment and enlightenment that she could get out of the trip. It has been decided that the big trip will be postponed until June of 2003. Meanwhile, Heather will use this time to upgrade her work, language and travel skills with a variety of courses and by taking some shorter local backpack adventures.

Freak out!

Apartment clean. More or less.

George is going to Zoe tonight... Doug and Ali's favourite restaurant in Americaland. He didn't get to go last night because he had to work late at the hospital... that sounds like I'm dating a doctor or something.. but no, he's a PACS Integration Specialist. Me, I'm a Remote Administration and Service Specialist... ain't that special? It's a good job, but it's a bit disorganized right now -- too many sites, too little time. I have some major follow up to do if I want to shrink my issues list (which I do). Time to leap on that tomorrow.

And remember to load the vacuum that is parked by the front door so I can't miss it into the car to take to work for //Cow and Babyblade.

Ugh. Tired. Thirsty.

Solution: Drink some water and go to bed!

G'nite.

I can do this

I worked until 7pm tonight.. I started at 7am. I had to stay, or I would have gone crazy. I stayed so I could feel what it would be like NOT to have to answer the phone at work, and to actually be able to look into those little nagging problems for customers that I have no time to deal with when big things are blowing up. I even got a few little nagging things cleared up. That was nice.

Then I drove to Booster Juice and got me a Best Defence smoothie... cuz well... five out of 7 people that are in my group at work are SICK. I'm surrounded. I will not let it get me! I exercised and I'm going to bed early. Drank lots of water, ate healthy food... time for the all-healing sleep to carry me through the rest of what looks to be a very long week.

Have to clean up the apartment tomorrow. Have to.

George comes home on Thursday. =)

*sigh*

Work is hectic. Too many things blowing up that shouldn't be. Can't follow up the way I'd like to with customers... too many new things blowing up every day. *sigh*

Is it just me or do smokers who wear cologne stink *particularly* badly? I think their sense of smell is so nuked that they slap on the cologne to a level where *they* can smell it and all the rest of us have to suffer with the combination of foul, stale cigarette-smell and hideous, overwhelming cologne-stench.

I almost prefer just the cigarette smell.

I think I'm going to buy a gass mask, but I doubt he'll get the hint.

Okay, so MINUS the cycling to work. Headaches suck first thing in the morning, cycling to work with a sore lower body (lower body day on Wednesday) *and* a splitting headache, sucks more.

I spoke to a colleague from where I used to work, tonight. She's in the boat I expect to be in... but not quite. She's 41 and single, living on her own, going to work every day and hating life. In my future, I don't see the 'hating life' part. I'm going to take control of my own happiness. Mom's coming over this weekend, and we're going to hang out, etc... I don't have any problem saying "I'm not planning on getting married anytime soon" to her, anymore - because it's the truth.

If marriage happnes, it will happen because we are two people who compliment each other but have our own lives, interests and financial security. Sounds materialistic, but I don't want to lean on anyone - no more than I want someone leaning on me. It's not a relationship of equals when that happens. I have a relationship of equals right now, and it's gorgeous. Neither of us are ready to get married, though -- we're both still building our life experiences and setting up our futures. Who knows what the future brings in that regard? I might as well put my planning and dreaming skills to use on something that's attainable by me and me alone.

I can't believe how after one week, beginning with a talk with George and followed by a few days of soul-searing soul searching, I feel so completely different. I feel satsified, but not satisfied to sit still and let life *happen* to me. I feel at peace, but restless - ready to go out and take on myself and the world. I expect to have my bad days, still... but fewer of them - and hopefully I will be able to recognize them coming on, and do something constructive to change them into good days.

And now I am going to go do cardio. I must, I must, I must decrease my butt... okay.. so that's not how it goes. ;-)

KICK ASS!

Happy Two ought ought two!

Couldn't get to sleep last night on account of my brain. =)

I couldn't stop thinking about the logistics of my Peru trip -- timing is everything and I have a couple of other trips that are "must take" this year -- one is Kimli's wedding and the other is George and I wanting to take a week off in Hawaii early this year... how to juggle/pay for it all!?!

Drat my brain.

Luckily I had taken a nap earlier in the evening so I could go to see "A Beautiful Mind". I really enjoyed it, but then I was awake until 11 with my brain in overdrive.

Body for LIFE started yesterday. Upper body. Ow. I'm skipping the cardio today and going to the lower body workout to get "caught up" so I'm on track for the week... I did ride my bike in to work today (as every day) so I get SOME cardio that way. Cardio on Thursday will be by the book + cycling to work.

I rock. I'm going to change my life.

So Redwood just left on the bus. We ran a little late -- but managed to get him to the bus JUST on time. =) Thank goodness we live five minutes from the Train/Bus station.

We only had a short visit, but we packed in the things to do. Yesterday we tried the winter sport of curling. I've never done it before, and neither had Redwood - but we both improved a lot over the course of the two hours. I'm sore today -- muscles I've never used before! Our team (George, Redwood, Mike (a guy from work) and myself) lost by one point. Not bad considering we were all newbies except George, who had been one time before this!

After curling, George left to go snowboarding with his Dad and brother -- and Redwood and I headed out to watch the Royal Tenenbaums - it was sold out when we got there so we watched Khandahar instead. Weird film, but I found it very interesting... it just didn't have enough of the loose ends tied up at the end to satisfy my "Western" mindset, but it gave me a glimpse into Afghan culture and the bhurga that had never imagined Redwood said I owed him huggles for making him see that film. ;-) After that, we found that Royal Tenenbaums was starting in about 20 minutes, so we bought tickets and went to see that, too. Hilarious film. Very quirky. It will make you think your own family isn't nearly as fucked up as you thought they were.

After the movie we walked back home and shortly afterwards George arrived home, sore from snowboarding, and we went for dinner at La Terazza. We rushed it a bit, and didn't have desert -- damn, because their cheesecake baked in phyllo pastry is to die for -- but we made it to the Vancouver Theatresports League late night "Scared Scriptless" show. It was worth it. The laughing we did worked off some of dinner and then we headed home and went to sleep.

Whew!

Today was brief - we slept until around 10AM and then had blueberry pancakes and walked up to Booster Juice for smoothies and to see the Vancouver Public Library (a building featured in the Arnold movie "The Sixth Day"). We walked home in the sunshine with Redwood snapping tourist shots and Rainy bounding around enjoying the outdoors and then had to rush to get Redwood to the bus on time.

We made it and now I'm home and ready to get cracking on finishing the cleanup and organization of this room.

Away I go... I'll share pictures when I figure out how to post some.

I went to MEC tonight. I tried on packs. I picked this one.

It fits wonderfully -- I carried it fully loaded all around the store for about 20 minutes and it hardly felt like I was carrying anything. Mind you, I did feel a whole lot lighter when I took it off.

I'll save me up some money and buy that one in sage green. Everywhere else online it's USD $345.00. I love that it's made in Canada. I ran into my neighbour down the hall at MEC and told him about my plan to go to Peru. He told me that he gets really good deals on plane tickets and he offered to get George and I good deals if we ever need to fly anywhere. He's a really great neighbour, even without the plane ticket offer. Nice people rock.

My mom's coming to stay overnight in two weeks. George will be in Washington working at the University Hospital upgrading their radiology PACS system... that's what we do... he installs, I do remote service. It's a challenge. It's a living. (It'll get me to Peru this year!) Mom and I will do girly things and rent girly movies and probably have long talks. Hopefully she can see that I'm happy and will continue to be happy as long as I'm true to myself. She sees me so differently than I see myself... she said to me on the phone tonight (in an exasperated voice) "Well, I *did* want you to grow up to be independent, and you're *definitely that*" Hmm... Here I am, realizing that I really haven't been independent my whole life. I've been depending on others to make me happy when really, all of that comes from within.

Lots to do... Sleep to get...

Redwood is coming over this weekend! We're going curling and out to dinner at our favourite fancy restaurant "La Terazza". It will be nice to see him again.

It's never easy to really change, is it?

Saw LotR tonight at the IMAX theatre on the HUGE screen. Wow. I was impressed, but I shouldn't have read the books again *first*. I won't make the same mistake next year!

Have lots to do tonight - reorganizing my 'office' at home... reorganizing my life... reorganizing my brain. Not too tall an order, now, is it? Nah!

One step at a time, just keep moving forward.

I decided today that I want a life that people would want to read about. I'm going to be not just the "official" Black Sheep of the family... but the BEST GODDAM BLACK SHEEP OF THE FAMILY that our family has ever had.

Just you watch.

Maybe I'm just not meant to be like other people. Today at work I was listening to Kyle tell Eric about the scare he and his wife had and how he had to take her to hospital for some pregancy-related complications... I feel for them, but I don't feel like I could ever be there, doing that. :-/ One day perhaps, but I'm not ready to settle down and have kids and a family, yet.

I still have to figure out who I am and where I am in life, however. That's the fun part. =D So many people here are living ordinary lives... how can I make mine extraordinary? Riding my bike to work every day is a start - that's not "normal". Guess I'd better get cracking and get my rear rim replaced. It's worn out and causing my flat tires. Evil.

I started looking at packs online... have to find a good backpacking/hostelling/travelling newsgroup or mailing list.

George gave me a 'travel' calendar on Friday. Talk about timing... that's when I decided that travel on my own was what I needed to do... and he came through with a gorgeous calendar from the travel agency.

I love him, but I'm still confused about what our future holds -- mainly because I'm still confused about me. Crazy world. Crazy life.

Weekend with Doug and Ali (and an all-too-brief interlude with Kim and Ed) is over. We made more gingerbread cookies and decorated them all up. What fun! Dinner was huge and wonderful at the Boathouse in Richmond and then everyone was off. Us home, the rest of them to Seattle.

Guess what George is doing? Yep. Playing games. Sucks to be me.

Back to work tomorrow - then to the parents' house for Christmas. I'm kind of dreading it. I'd rather be with George -- but things are up and down with us... mainly because I'm in a different place in my life than he is in his. I feel old. I feel lonely. I feel lost. I feel all sorts of things... but this year I'm taking steps to remedy that. I will start travelling. I must. Alone.

I do too much with other people, or what other people might think, in mind. It's time for me to find myself in ways I haven't yet done. I'll save up my holidays (and money) and go to Peru. Magic. Mystery. Ancient cultures. Large spiders. I'll find a way around the spiders somehow. It'll be worth it.

Time to find a backpack and screw up my courage and determination.

Welcome to a journal about ME. Go away if you don't like it. It's my journal. :-P~~~

Ho... hum.... have to go pack things to take to the 'rents. Feh.

Sleep helps. Friends help. I still don't want to go back to boring old conventional me -- and I won't. This is going to confuse the hell out of my mother, but you know what? It's NOT HER LIFE.

Hungry.

Must.

Eat.

Breakfast.

What sucks? Life. The Universe and Everything.

Fuck it all. Sometimes I feel like leaping from a tall building... namely the one I live in. I can picutre my body sailing through the air and landing in a splatter of blood and bone on the pavement. Why can I imagine this? WHY DO I?!?!? Somebody tell me because I don't know. I hate me. I hate how little I've become. I hate.

I hate this meaningless life we all lead. I hate the pressures of family. The pressures of society. The pressures of my own FUCKED UP brain.

I hate my journal with all it's meaningless drivel. Everyone else seems to have something REAL to say... or maybe I just skip over the journals like mine because they're so fucking boring.

Whatever.

Even this writing, coming from all this pain and ugliness is nothing more than drivel. Words don't have enough feeling for what is going on inside me. That's probably why I've been screaming and crying for the past 20 minutes.

There's just WAY too much going on in me.

George says "go to sleep" and goes off to play FUCKING Q3. He says he loves me. I wish he'd show it or leave me the fuck alone. Cuz maybe that's what I need to be but don't have the stinking guts for.

I thought all this melodramatic shit was supposed to end in your teens.

I'm still a teen. In my late 20s. Fuck.

No more trying to be witty for me. I'm just not. I'm just a screwed up, needy, whiney teenager looking for someone else to make me happy -- or to blame for me not being happy already. Loser. Shut the fuck up and do something GOOD with your life.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I feel like this? Short answer: lack of sleep and challenges to my "world view". I don't even have a world view of my own. It's been painted on to me by my parents, my past lovers, my own stupid NEED to feel like I belong somewhere. Is THAT why I want to be "married". Because nothing else I've done has made me feel like I actually BELONG anywhere.

Adoption leaves me with holes. Questions.

Where are you Birth Mom? Do you love me? Am I part of you? Are you part of me?

Married wouldn't fix this.

Only I can. And that scares the FUCK out of me.

Trying to gain my own world view. This is one of the most painful processes I can imagine, emotionally. What the hell?!? It's like George tells me about working out. Your body basically wants to be lazy and go along as it is. You start pushing it and it starts hurting.. tyring to make you stop... but if you don't stop, if you keep going, it'll eventually get used to the new level of intensity or it will break down. I figure it's the same with my psyche. My brain. My whatever-the-hell-is making me feel this way right now. I've pushed it past it's limits and it wants to go back. Back to boring. Back to "let's get married and have a family" back to the status quo.

I don't want the status quo. That's what this is about. I could wimp out and go back to being boring old me - funny on the surface, 'carefree' 'happy'. Whatever.
I'm not going back. I want to be FREE to be ME. Whatever this ME is or becomes.

Deal with this psyche. I'm going to MAKE you.

Get some sleep... or stay up forever until you die.

Funny how typing this works it all out in a way. I might not even post this. But why shouldn't I?

George does love me. I know this. He doesn't have to prove it.

Crazy mo-fo..

Now I can sleep.

There's not much to say. I take a day off sick and it turns out sunny. Damn are they ever gonna talk at work. I finally dragged my butt out of bed. I'm all bundled up warm to avoid the dreaded DRAFT *shudder*. Drafts give me cramps. Cramps make me double over in agony and moan as though I were the undead. I avoid drafts at all costs. I wonder if the undead all have massive cramps?

I may even take my bundled up self into the kitchen and attempt fudge today, since it's sunny... but the only recipes I have confidence in and can find online at Skaarup's are in IMPERIAL. Completely. Ounces? How the hell many cups do I need? Tell me millilitres! Tell me milligrams! Anything but ounces. I tried this recipe last year -- thinking that a "can" would be the same size up here. Nope. WAY too much liquid in last year's fudge. It never set. It never even came close to setting. It was liqui-fudge. Maybe I'll write to that Skaarup's place and beg them for metric. If they truly think the world should make more fudge, maybe they'll oblige. Ya think? Maybe Nanaimo bars are more my speed this year - they were my emergency backup last year...

Having only the 25th and the 1st off over the holidays really sucks. I have the weekends off, too... but it's just not fun going to work on Monday having Tuesday off and being right back in there for Wednesday... at 7AM. Could be worse. I could be on the 6AM shift. Again. For the fourth week. I actually like the 6am shift, but it makes being lazy out of the question. I can't easily take the bus that early in the morning and riding my bike for 45 minutes in the cold December air when drafts are the absolute enemy isn't a great option, either.

I'm worried that people are going to think my homemade gifts are cheezy and lame. Not "big" enough or something... I hope not, because I put a lot of time, effort and heart into Christmas this year -- way more than other years when I went out and spent way too much money. I guess this goes to show you how programmed I am with the commercialism of Christmas. "If you're not spending Billions ® on your friends for Christmas © , you don't really Love Them ® !" *cringe*

Self doubt, cramps... hmmm I wonder what time of the month it is?

Journal of the day... more like journal of the week... Last few times I tried to update.. blog died. Ah well... c'est la vie. La vie, today, involves a great deal of cramping. Silly me forgetting my pills near the end of the pack. Ugh. Oof. No work for this girl tomorrow if the pain and puking don't get any better by morning. I hate the bad months.

On a lighter note, I finally mailed my Christmas cards and packages -- so all you who are receiving snail mail love from Heather will be getting it shortly (Canda Post willing...)

I'm going to go get some White Spot. I need comfort.

Tra la laaaa I the code I cut and paste didn't work... tra la laaaaa - the wonder of the web, I delete it!

Work is going better. Except for one nameless individual who has been downright snarky lately. Who pissed in your Starbucks? Snarky sucks.

I'm going to bed, now.. I haven't had enough sleep the last few days and my muscles are feeling it after riding to work again today. Ow. Leg cramp. Ow. Stop. Ow. Sleep.

Oh Kimli, dear wonderful, talented, gorgeous Kimli... I would be honoured and overjoyed to be a bridesmaid at your wedding. I will wear sea-foam green with a huge smile on my face (and an even bigger one in my heart) because it is for you!

In case anyone doesn't understand that.. Kimli asked me to be part of her wedding party... she asked me in my Christmas card -- and I started crying tears of absolute joy when I read it... in fact I tried to call her, but I think she's out at the bar with her honey and their friends in Edmonton -- so I left a message on Lobot's machine. =)

So here I sit on an internet temporarily devoid of the presence of DeeAy. Bouncing. Happy. Joyful. Me.

And...... WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

So, as always... I copy Kim and find out that

"I am more interesting than my weblog!"

I got a prezzy in the mail today! Kim rocks... as everyone knows -- and she sent me a gift via the mail. I walked to the wrong post office to get it at first, simply becauseI didn't know they had a new one closer to where I live (and didn't read the address on the card.) Silly me. I opened the box and found a gift bag for me! There's a sweet BIG Ty Beanie Buddy horse sticking out of the top -- but for the rest I'm going to wait until Kim is in town! If she wasn't offline right now I'd tell her THANK YOU!!!! right now. I have her prezzy here, ready and waiting. Part bought (one of the few things actually bought rather than made this year) and part homemade. Hope she likes both parts. =)

Today has been a study in not completing much of anything. I started ot organize my bills... haven't finished. I started to clean up the place.. haven't finished. The only things I've managed to complete today are 1. taking the dog out (which I combined with) 2. going to the post office to pick up a package. and 3. having a shower. I don't count puttin clothes on... that would just be a bit TOO pathetic, even for today.

Grey weather. Blah day. Time to get motivated! George will be home from his parents' house soon to pick up his snowboard and gear to head to Cypress with his little brother. I like snowboarding, but not enough to buy a season's pass this year. I got a ski card instead. I'd rather be riding... horses. *sigh* Hard to do in the city. Please let me win the lottery. Please. I'd put it to good use. Honest. A farm for me and a car for my parents. Really.

Back to not finishing the things I start... here goes...

Heheh. I'm a pretty low-stress person -- according to the questions they ask at the stress test, anyway....

"You exhibit a stress percentage of
13%
which barely registers. Get a job.

Your Stress Test answers indicate that to reduce your stress level even further you should eliminate at least one of the following from your life immediately:
consciousness"

Cool

Things are going much better at work, btw... after deleting the links to all my favourite websites and vowing to only read Dee dot com when I'm at home --- I've been a productive little worker bee the past two days. I feel much better about my job as a result and I'm learning more every day again. Cool. I needed a kick in the ass. Thanks Ross.

Oh My God.

I just realized that the Moxy Fruvous song, "I love my Boss" now APPLIES TO ME!! (at least in the name of my boss... the rest really doesn't apply at all!)

Here are the lyrics just to prove it to you.

I visited Babyblade's site and found this out:

If I was a work of art, I would be Claude Monet's Waterlilies. I am soft and gentle, but very colourful. Although based in reality, I look at the world through a filter of impressions which shape how I see things. Splashes of light help to define my presence and bring an endearing quality. Which work of art would you be? The Art Test

That's comforting.

Well.. today at work my Group Lead pulled me aside into a wee 'meeting' and basically told me that I'm not living up to their expectations. Damn. That sucked. He said I've improved since our last talk, but that he notices me surfing the web too much on non-business-related stuff and that I don't follow up with customers and big issues as much as they'd like. Oh, and George isn't allowed to come and eat his lunch at my desk. There's just not enough room. Whatever on that last one... but okay.

My knowledge base isn't what they think it should be... I should be asking more questions in person and having people show me what to do instead of letting them take over issues and fix them. heheh little do they know that I've learned TONS and I basically pulled the wool over their eyes about how little I knew when they were interviewing me! I know I'll catch up... and boy will I be the most improved employee they've ever seen!! Hee.

But I don't take criticism well -- I mean, who does?! I did pretty well - but the tears started to well up in my eyes near the end... funny thing is, my Group Lead is pretty new to this, and he's a very sensitive guy, so he started to well up when he saw me doing it and we both nearly burst into tears. I think we'll be able to work things out.

On a lighter note - I started studying today for my Win2k MCSE... if I can get this before the 'review time' hits this year it will help with my salary.. it will also help with my overall knowledge base - and hopefully let me fix some problems that are completely beyond me, at present. It's just stupid piece of paper - and I may not even go for the actual certification, if just proving my knowledge on the job will do it... the paper will likely help the salary, though. Evil, evil glass ceiling.

So no more surfing deeay.com or ookla.com at work. No more reading about bicycle touring. No more looking at properties for sale, or horse art. I'll have to come home and do that... no big deal. I don't have sound at work, anyway - so a lot of things suck from there... like this cool link for example.