Thanks Arwen. =)

Ungh. Early. I left for work at 4:50AM... tried a different route which seems to be kind of roundabout... and it took me about 45 minutes. I'll try another way tomorrow and see how long it takes. It's going to be different depending on what shift I work. The early shift is great traffic-wise... but sleep-wise? Not so good. *yawn*

I really feel for the Jehovah's Witness father whos 16 year old daughter is dying of lukemia in Calgary. Blood transfusions are the only thing that will keep her alive to fight the cancer. Blood transfusions are prohibited by their religion. After much deliberation and study of the bible he concluded that the reason the sharing of blood is prohibited is to prevent the spread of disease - not to prevent his daughter from having a chance at life. He broke with his strong religious beliefs to get her blood transfusions. His entire church and family are against him, including his daughter... and yet he continues to fight to get her those transfusions. He has been ostracized by his church, his family all tell him to his face that they hate him, and his daughter allows him a few half hour visits per week where she all but ignores him. Publicists and lawyers from The Watchtower Society in Toronto have arrived on the scene to fight the transfusions.

I suppose he's forcing his beliefs on someone else... but then -- at 16 how firm are your beliefs? At that age I was very impressionable, and a well-spoken publicist and lawyer from an organization that I believed in would certainly have swayed my opinion... anything rather than listen to my father.

Last night the whole "being alone" thing hit me temporarily. Although it brought me down, it wasn't crippling the way it used to be. I realize that I deserve better than what I had. I deserve more than what I had. What I had was good, very good... but it wasn't enough. Do I sound selfish? I'm not. I'm just finally realizing my worth.

I'm worth spending time with.
I'm worth talking to every day about big things, little things.
I'm worth being concerned about.
I'm worth devoting time to.
I'm worth pleasing.
I'm worth loving.
I'm worth being made to feel special.
I'm worth making a commitment to.


Why? Because I am. Because I give those same things back to the people I care about. It's not so much to ask to get it all back once in a while.

So until I do find someone who I think is worth it, and who thinks I am worth it, I will make do on my own. Living at home so far has been good. It's only been a week, but things are going well as far as I can tell. I help out, they help out, we all chip in and do what needs to be done. When it needs to be done. I like that in a a relationship.

But sometimes, I still cry. What brings it on is when I feel as though the support has dropped out from under my heart and it's just falling away from me. I rally back, but the feeling comes again... a little duller, less intense sometimes... maybe one day it will go away altogether.

I have things to do. On call and working at the moment... so back to it I go.

Ramble on... ramble on...

Hi Mark. =)

Much rant-ness yesterday... and more to building, but not today. This has been a lazy day, making Nanaimo Bars, organizing some of the stuff that I've moved and getting my computer Return-to-Castle-Wolfenstien-Gaming-ready. Did a little web research for my mom on some antiques she has, and generally relaxing. Definitely needed a day like this after the move last weekend. So far, knock on wood, the pager has not gone off.

I see George at work, but I don't talk to him much. It's like we are brother and sister or just 'work acquaintances', now... except I remember what makes him shudder and close his eyes in extacy. :-/ The missing him hasn't hit me bad at all, it's strange and I'm not really waiting for it to happen or dreading it or *anything*... I've got lots of other things to focus on for myself. I wonder if he'll find someone or just get immersed in gaming again, and keep living at his parents. ;-) Every time I've talked to him when he's been at home, he has been helping his Dad with the computer. That will drive him mad after a while, but.... whatever. The true test will come when one or the other of us finds someone new... then we'll see how actually "over" him I am. Time will heal it all.

At any rate... more to do, things to download, pack, organize, clean... dinner with "aunt and uncle" tonight. Mmmm... garlic prawns ala Dad. Gotta love not being the only cook in the house!

Listening to the radio and hearing about alleged Israeli War Crimes. Using Palestinians as human shields, deliberately shooting women and children, crushing a paralyzed man in his home even though the family tried to get a few more minutes to get him out, shooting a man in a wheelchair with a tank and then running over his body in the road... his wheelchair with a white flag still attached to it...

I don't know. It all sounds SO horrific... and yet, I can't help but feel that were the Israelis the "popular" side, that there would be no mention of these alleged war crimes. Instead the Palestinians would be accused with the same charges and more. The popular press today seems to have it in for the Israelis. I've always had good memories of any Israelis I've ever met... They were always resourceful, polite and caring people. Some had lived on Kibbutz there, and that life sounded wonderful for the soul. Working the land, studying their religion and living communally.

One problem I have with the term "War Crimes" is that it only ever applies to the "losing" side. The Americans, Canadians, British in World War II. If the Allies had lost that war, there would have been accusations of "War Crimes" galore from the Axis side. Another is that this is WAR we are talking about here... what the hell does anyone expect? If we were truly civilized, there would be no war. It's a violent and dirty business and it is fought against ENEMIES.

dictionary.com says:

en·e·my Pronunciation Key (n-m)
n. pl. en·e·mies
One who feels hatred toward, intends injury to, or opposes the interests of another; a foe.

A hostile power or force, such as a nation.
A member or unit of such a force.
A group of foes or hostile forces. See Usage Note at collective noun.
Something destructive or injurious in its effects: “Art hath an enemy called Ignorance” (Ben Jonson).

adj.
Of, relating to, or being a hostile power or force.

Since we are human, and as humans we unfortunately get involved in a lot of horrible conficts called wars, we make enemies of our foes. Nobody is nice to their enemies... whatever for? Enemies abuse and use and pillage and destroy each other. That's what enemies do. So to make it a "war crime" to be human in this way strikes me as completely ridiculous.

I am not saying that the things these people are doing are right or good or moral or any of that, but face it, they are acting in times of war. If we truly want to prosecute "war crimes", we must prosecute the entire act of war. Period. Make WAR criminal, and then you'll have my vote for prosecuting war crimes. Until then... "it's okay to kill the soldier of your enemy, but not the women of your enemy" makes no sense to me at all.

Feeling good and bad about being here at my parents' house. It's strange... I could never stand to come here because my mom would nag me and bug me and generally make me feel like a child. I was dreading the way it would beel to be here all the time with her. I wondered if we'd drive each other mad, or if when she saw my tattoo she would freak out (that is yet to come, I'm sure I'll still get the freak out on that one). Now I think that my Mom has really been stifled all these years, at least in some ways. She may not ever agree that me getting a tattoo is okay for me even if it's not for her, but she's really being supportive about me moving home. I think she likes to have someone besides Dad to talk to... but also, I think Dad used to make her do things his way, and she'd give in, because her Mom never let her Dad do anything with the kids his way... and now she's standing up to my Dad some. She was the one who made the choice to let me come live here, she gives up her car to me to use to get to work, she helps me make space to put things and helps me put things away... she's been incredible.

I'm gaining a new respect for my Mom through this. I know it's only been a few days, but even before the move she was very helpful and cleared space for my clothes and bathroom stuff in the upstairs bathroom. She's been awesome. I wish I could share everything about my life with her... so she could read this blog... but there are some things that I don't think she's ready to know. I'll hide the tattoo as long as possible. I don't want to shock her. That's not what my tattoo is for... maybe after a few months we'll be close enough that I can reveal it without giving her a heart attack... and maybe not.

We shall see.

My Dad still doesn't seem to want me here all that much. He is kind of putting up with me. He does have quite a bit to put up with since I invaded his computer room to sleep in... and I think he'll come around eventually. We went for a walk with the dog tonight and he was cool... I think things like that will help him feel more comfortable. Time will tell, but so far I think it's going well.

Dinner at the Boathouse TOMORROW. Yum. My favourite.

Ahhhh.... my own baby back online where she belongs. What a fight to get TCP/IP to clear it's old settings! I finally just uninstalled and reinstalled the protocol. Call me crazy, but it worked. Better than fscking with it all night long.

So things are settling in to "normal" around here... few more weeks and it will be just like home. I miss being downtown, but not all that much. There are great views here, great parks, and Rainy has a backyard to play in. That's my goal for us. I'm going to buy my own place with a backyard just for she and I to enjoy with friends. =)

I'm kind of numb about Geroge. I don't know what to think about us, anymore. He still calls me for little things and I still call him for computer won't get on the network troubleshooting help... but we aren't "going out" anymore. We're not living together anymore. We're just... "friends". What the hell does that mean, anyway? How the hell do you DO that with someone you've been sexual with for the past 2-3 years? I dunno. But somehow it seems to be working. My feeling is that it will all fall apart when one or the other of us finds someone new. I know it will be him, first... because I want my house before I go getting involved with anyone. Could be a few years.

MaybeI really should get some rechargable batteries for my i-brator. ;-)

Dinner at the Boathouse on Thursday at 6:30. Yum. My favourite.

So I still don't have my computer networked here at the parental units' house... but at least it's set up. Just need to grab one of those extra-long spare network cables from work tomorrow... and I'll have it strung up in no time tomrrow after work. Dunno how I'll play RTCW from here with my monitor sitting on the dresser and my keyboard and mouse on my lap... I'll have to rig something up. Maybe I can get one of those fold-up TV tables to use for the mouse, at least. What a mess! I may be the official cheerleader of QGirlZ if this keeps up, instead of a regular player.

This keyboard hurts my forearms. I want my pooter online. :-/ Soon... soon...

On a lighter note...

Never transport your personal i-brator with the batteries installed. Just don't. I couldn't remember where I'd stashed mine, but found out at a potentially embarassing moment. My parents had gone to bed and I was carrying the last of my bags upstairs. I was just rounding the corner by my parents' bedroom door when something starts buzzing and rattling VERY loudly inside one of the 5 bags I was carrying. At first I thought my phone was going off.... but then the buzzing continued for an extended period of time and got louder and more insistent. Luckily my parents are either deaf or were listening to the radio because no one came out to question me as I dropped 2 of the 5 bags and made a mad dash upstairs to silence the deafening roar of my i-brator. ;-) Time for bed. Long drive in the morning.

So the poem isn't for your consumption. It's too risque! Perhaps when I get around to developing my own webspace, I'll fill you in..

I tried to post something about being offline for a few days on Friday before I tore down my compter and desk and everything for the move. But of course blogger wasn't working at all.. so I'm almost back. Using my dad's ancient, slow beastly machine with the "excellent quality" 15" monitor that he bought 6 years ago. Silly Dad. He doesn't want to use my 19" Sony G400 flatscreen... cuz he says he has a good monitor. The screen flicker is atrocious on this thing... but I think I may be able to convince him... we'll see.

At any rate. I'm more tired than I've been in a long time and I have to get up for work in 8 hours. (called in late - supposed to be there at 6). Ugh.

Less mundane haircut blogstuffz when I have my brain back. Maybe.

Poem on the way. I can feel it building. I love when that happens.

Today’s Wanton Wednesday:

Find 5 things about yourself that you like. I’m going for physical attributes here, but inner ones are good too. The reason I’m asking for physical things because I’m using myself as a model for today’s WW and I know I can easily find 5 inner things about myself that I don’t hate – it’s learning to accept my outer shell that I need to work on.

1. My eyes. They're a very interesting colour of green, lighter in the middle with dark around the outside. Emotions affect the intensity of the green. Guess what it means when they're dark and vivid green? Guess what it means when they're soft and mellow green?
2. My lips. Not as full as Kimli's but I (and others) think they're kissable.
3. My bum. I have one. It's round. I like it.
4. My hair when it's long and clean and behaving. I have a lot of it and love to tousle it up.
5. Inner self-wise. I like that I'm finally getting to know me and to stand up for who I am.

Wow. What a weird morning. I was in an emotional funk that I just couldn't break out of - hence that earlier post. Maybe it was not meeting Maya Angelou last night (maybe tonight after her talk..) ... maybe it was the stupid dreams about George and I being together and then me seeing him with someone else. Or the stupid dreams where I approached him sexually and he rejected me, or the stupid dreams where EVERY guy I approached sexually or otherwise rejected me. Meh. Everyone at work was in some strange kind of funk, too. It was positively surreal. Eventually, thankfully, it passed.

I have tomorrow and Friday off to hit the packing horse hard. Moving day is Saturday.

I wonder if there are men who are sensitive, feeling people. Men who don't just want sex from women. Men who want to know who the woman is before jumping in the sack with her. Men who are like women in that regard. I wonder.

Whew. Glad that night of pager hell is over. 8 hours at work on a weekend... from 10:30 at night until 6:30 in the morning. Yerg. On the upside I got to sleep all day and now I'm in packing mode again. Just FYI: shakes has a sexy belleh.

Too tired to troubleshoot anymore. Too tired to think. But I must.

So frustrating.

So it's four in the morning and I'm at work. Go pager! This has been a fairly busy shift, but I've proven my dedication by coming in to the office both days of my weekend. Today was more necessary -- one of the hubs had a UPS failure and made all the computers on the other side of it inaccessible. Bad. Bad. Very bad. Especially considering I was in the middle of troubleshooting what got me here in the first place when it died. That was at 11pm yesterday.

I'm getting to that point where my head is spinning and I want nothing more than to go to sleep. I told George to climb into the bed and sleep there, cuz I probably won't be home until late, and I'd just wake him up. So I'll crash on the floor mattress until he gets up around 7:30 -- or maybe I'll just be getting home, then!

George's Mom rocks. She's the most open and sweet and wonderful person. It's no wonder George is so honest and straightforward. I spoke to her on the phone today and she told me that I am always welcome in their home. That I will always be part of their team and to come over any time - whether George is there or not and that if I ever need any help - just to ask. =) Made me get all teary-eyed. She is a very dear person whom I would love to have in my life for many years to come. I let her know that they can always call on me if they need help of any kind, too.

Long talks are good. Discovering what each other is feeling is good. The worst part is, the closer I feel to George, the more I want him. I realize how much that would defeat the purpose of going it alone for a while, though. I will build my life with no thought to who else might be sharing it in the future. The only consideration another human gets is the consideration I have shown myself by trying to become a "whole person". If another "whole person" should come along to share my life, well then we'll see what transpires. Until then... I want to finally live my life for my own future. Build my own security. Have my own adventures.

I repeat myself and repeat myself in this Blog... but sometimes that's what it takes to make sure I understand all of what I'm trying to do and get it all into my head, heart and soul.

So, "Nyah!" In the immortal words of Eddie Murphy, "It's my house! If you don't like it, get the fuck out."

Meh.

Pager is still crazy... but I'm done for now... *fingers crossed*

Sometimes I want to be so mad at George for not believing in what we had... but he never lied to me about how he felt. He was never sure I was the one. He never told me he was going to love me forever or that he would want to marry me one day. He always said he didn't know. How can I be mad when I've come so far personally in the years that we were together? How can I be mad when I know that I will go further in life now on my own, just becuase I knew him and we shared time and thoughts and respect with each other? I am grateful for his honesty, but sometimes... I just want to be able to be legitimately angry and upset with him when my heart is breaking. It's so difficult to part under these circumstances... not having the huge blowup that is so characteristic of the end of so many relationships (almost all of mine :-/ ) It will take a long time for me to gain closure. Through no fault of her own I am going to HATE the person he dates next. I'm sorry, whoever you are. Forgive me, I'm just jealous that he thinks you're worth the effort and I'm not. :-/ *sob*

Ahhhhh.... pager shifts. It started at 8:15 this morning and has been rocking ever since. I think I'll try to go away from my computer for a bit on this lovely day... before I have to spend the night packing and taking more pager calls. Ah well. It'll pay for the move.