Ow. Ow. Ow.

I put my back out. It was stupid, really... I guess the way most 'I put my back out' stories are... I was standing my bike up after lying it down to sit and watch a performance at StreetFest (OMG FUN!) and KEEE-RUNCH - agonizing pain. As I lowered myself to the ground as slowly and gently as I could while in excruciating pain, I knew there was no way I was getting up any time soon. A nice volunteer named Guy called 911 and I got a ride in an ambulance. I suppose I'll have to pay for that 2.5 minute ride to the hospital. Suck. I hear it's $120 bucks. Huge suck. The upside is - nothing is out of place, it's spasming and they gave me fun drugs (valium and T3s) to ease the pain until it works itself out. They are working marginally at this point, but rest and more drugs should do the trick in 2-7 days. If this post isn't all that coherent... well, blame the valium.

Before the back incident, I was REALLY enjoying StreetFest. I bought myself some practice poi (with green and purple streamers!) and a quena - a south american notched flute made by a local craftsman. I also bought a digeriedoo. Two, in fact. One for Matthew for Christmas (Merry Christmas in July!) and a smaller one for me. I'm looking forward to playing and practicing - I want music in my life that comes from our family. =-) On the bright side - with the back problem I'll have lots of time to practice. ;-) I still want to go down to Streetfest at least once more and talk to the flute maker about the range of the instrument... and maybe buy an actual rennaissance flute that you play sideways, too. I know. I'm bad. I'm not buying myself any new clothes until I finish shrinking... and I shouldn't even buy THESE things... but here I am, buying them, anyway. =) I'll enjoy them. I already have enjoyed the quena - I played it (quietly) while lying in the emergency ward. Fun!

Anyway... drugs. Good. Back pain. Bad. Coherence. Missing. Methinks I'm going to go veg on the couch and play my new quena for a while.

The memorial service yesterday was really beautiful. There were a lot of tears shed, including my own... even though I didn't know "Uncle" very well, he meant so much to Carla and she was in so much pain, that I took some of it into myself and expressed it. It was a tiring day - emotionally draining.

This weekend we will be heading to Vancouver for a whirlwind tour. Leave Nelson on Friday at 11:30am and leave Vancouver on Saturday night after M's course. Yow. Lucky for me, they'll drop me off at my parents' house and pick me up when they're done the course.

I started Somersizing last week. I've lost 5lbs so far. My pants fit better, again. This rocks. Food has always been my problem. Sugar most certainly has been. I have yet to find a Splenda sweetened drink to satisfy my sweet drink craving.... I will not do Aspartame. I just can't. I've heard too many bad things about it. This diet isn't low fat at all. It's low carb. I eat fruit and some whole-grain carbs with skim milk for breakfast and then I go for proteins and fats with veggies for the rest of the day. It's amazing how I'm losing weight. I don't even miss the sugar -- and I have been a HUGE slurpee, iced tea, jam on toast fiend for ever. These were the things that were causing me to gain weight. Going to 'low-fat' substitutes only added more carbs and sugar to my diet... which made the weight gain worse. Anyway. If anyone has any questions about what I'm doing diet-wise, just post in my guestbook and I'll answer you... otherwise I won't bore you to death with every pound. Maybe just every 5lbs, okay?.... only 25 more to go to goal weight.

Early yesterday morning Carla's Uncle passed away suddenly in her arms. They were very close. All I want is to be there for her. I will be.

The sea of storms has calmed since last I wrote. The weekend brought a bicycle trip to Salmo - about 55km. Far for our first ride... and most of it along the old Burlington Northern rail line that runs through Nelson, Ymir and Salmo. It was a bit bumpy on the bum, but the scenery, the clean air and the peacefulness compared to taking the highway made it a trip to soothe the soul. It was also soothing because we got to Salmo on our own steam and had the option to leave whenever we wanted to. It felt like I was more in control, more powerful in the situation. Equal. I didn't feel like I was a burden, and I felt like we had a say in how things went... it seems weird because things are never forced or nasty out there... but that small sense of being "empowered" did wonders for my psyche.

Yesterday I spent most of the day with an old Basset Hound named Willy. He was trundling down the street at about 8:50 am as I was watering the garden. The middle of the street. With no human friend in sight. I grabbed him, persuaded him up the stairs with cookies and a leash and he turned out to be a real sweetheart. He talked a lot. That groaning, grumpy, huffy, deep-whine of a talk... which was very cute. We posted signs, called the SPCA, the vets... nobody had reported him missing. We were just about to settle down for the night to watch "The Pianist" when I saw someone pull up and tear down the sign we'd put up accross the street. Willy's Mom. They had been away so they hadn't been missing him and our signs had been up since before they got home so the worry on their end was far less than ours. Willy wiggled like crazy when he saw her and sang for us when he got into the car. It was adorable. I should have gotten a picture of him. *sniffle*

Today is the day to clear out the stuff we're sending to the Sally Ann. And the paper recycling. And get this place cleaned up and creative. I have to go talk to our landlady and see if she'll drive us downtown with all the junk. Off I go.

How morbid and depressing I can be. I'm trying to make a list of things to do today... and I'm torn between getting out to Salmo because I said I would and staying here and doing whatever. I think I'd like to ride out there tomorrow morning with Matthew. We can do it if we leave early enough. I can spend today finishing my stained glass, cleaning up that table area, packing and then doing whatever needs doing around here. Maybe I'll sketch... I haven't in too long. Practice makes perfect..... no, not perfect, but practice makes art. Without it, I just think about making art, and that doesn't accomplish anything.

Another sleepless night. Perhaps tonight I will take the plunge and make some sleepytime tea. Though not yet.... too much pondering going on. Some of it, I hope, coming to good. More and more and more of the overwhelming feelings of the weekend washing over me. To the point of getting into a state that I have not been in since I was in my teens. Absolutely overwhelemd. Numb. Feeling separated from everything else in the universe except what was going on in my own head. Which wasn't pretty.

I'm sure it's regression. I'm sure it's due to meeting my birth family and going back to the "trying to fit in" feeling of my teens. But I think there's something more there, too. Feeling not good about myself to the point of walking into the bathroom and suddenly wondering how much blood would drip from my arms were I to slash them with an exacto isn't normal, even for me. I seem to think it's a big secret that I don't think I'm good enough - but I'm always hinting at it... asking for approval.. checking in with my honey to be sure he's not going to leave me... it's become worse because of the regression, I think.

The one good thing in all of this is that I am able to look at it, once the feelings of numbness pass, and seriously say to myself. I am going to go get some help with this. I can't do it on my own, but I CAN do it.

I lied, there are two good things in all of this. The above, and the fact that M. is totally willing to come with me on this trip to figure out why I feel this way. For us.

He rocks. We'll make it.

This weekend was a multitude of feelings and emotions. I feel like I'm 15 all over again. I'm visiting with my birth family more and more.. this weekend, our 'nuclear' famliy was all together in the same place for the very first time. It was a farewell party for my birth sister Candy. Birth mom, birth dad, birth sisters... all together. As I always have done, I was trying to fit in. Why do I do this? Why have I ALWAYS done this? Why has it NEVER, not once, not EVER... felt like I actually belonged despite my efforts? Is this a feeling that is life-long for adoptees? I don't fit with my adoptive family, I don't fit with my birth family. I don't fit ANYWHERE. Even in my relationship... I don't feel like I "belong". I feel like, through no fault of my own, everything good that happens will eventually come to an end. I will live my life full of memories. Memories of what was, memories of dreams. I will live my life as a fraction of what it could be. Who am I? Where do I belong? Maybe I'm too scared to let myself belong anywhere. Always the chameleon. Changing my colour to fit that of those around me. Some have called me 'original'. I don't. In my mind, I'm the biggest fraud there is.

There are moments, fragments of my life, where I don't feel this way. When I know, definitively, what purpose it is I have devised for myself, when I experience life from a place of strength and certainty. I thought that meeting my birth family would be one of those... instead I find myself a child again. A teenager - but with no rules. I can drink, smoke pot... do anything at all as I flail through the emotions, the doubts and the death of dreams. Coming to terms with the reality of a family that I never knew. An origin that is shared. An experience that is not.

Maybe that is the work of reunion? Maybe that is the experience of reunion. It is my experience. Is that where I belong? In my own experience?

Wheee! I did it. I bought the wringer washer. I paid for it today, now I'm just searching for a way to get it here without paying $25 for delivery. It's a speed queen, model 26-231W. I want to find out more about it, like when it was made, get a manual for it, stuff like that... and I can hardly wait to use it!! Oh the bliss.... clean clothes and not having to cart them downtown to the laundromat. I'm not quite sure how we're going to dry sheets during the winter... but we'll figure something out. Probably on the line that M. rigged in the spare room - so far it's only been used to dry my tent - but well-wrung sheets should be no problem. The price was more than $75, but it will still be paid for in less than 1/2 year of going to the laundromat. Happiness...

This weekend brings going to Salmo again. My birth-sister Candy is moving to Calgary at the end of the month and this is her 'farewell party'. It should prove to be a raucous good time. Hope M. has fun with me, he's not usually into that kind of scene - neither am I, but I think I'm more adaptable that way.

Why, oh why, is it that people who have animals love to put cheezy midi files on their website? That pretty much tops the list of things I can't stand... that and pop-ups. Thank goodness I never thought either were a good idea on my own websites.

Epona.com is coming along. Now to photograph my pottery and get it up there. A project for a day with 4 hours of sleep? Hmm... I might have to think about that one... maybe while I have a nap.

Can't sleep. I don't know if it's because I worked on the computer all day or because I'm wishing my honey had seduced me tonight instead of farting off to bed (literally).

Had a laundry kind of day today.. which was good. It needed doing. MAN do things dry FAST when it's this hot out! Luckily for me, it stays really, really cool in the basement suite we're in. I have to put on a fleece to keep warm if I'm not moving around much - even on the hottest days. After doing laundry I happened to notice a sign saying "Farm fresh eggs $3" in the appliance repair shop next to the laundromat. I went in to buy some and on a whim I asked them if they knew where I could get a wringer washer. They have one in their shop. They think it's $75 and they know it works. Someone is going to call me back with a confirmation on the price.

Now.... I know this may seem weird, but hey... this is me I'm talking about here... I really, REALLY want a wringer washer. You know, the old fashioned kind that has a big wringer on the top and you run your clothes through it to squeeze the water out. There are a number of reasons for this, probably none of which will stop you from going "WTF?! WHY??!" but I'm going to list them anyway. It's late. I'm suffering from insomnia. You've been warned.

1. Wringer washers use less water. You can do all your loads of laundry with the same wash water before you have to drain the tank.
2. Wringer washers use less time - you only have to agitate long enough to get your clohtes clean, not for the entire 'cycle' of a regular machine. The dirtier, the longer. You decide.
3. Wringer washers use less detergent (one batch of wash water for all loads)
4. They're smaller than 'normal' washing machines.
5. They're cheaper than 'normal washing machines. (to buy, fix and run)
6. They look cool.

At any rate... if the price truly is $75 and the shop will deliver... then I think I'll be buying it to do laundry with. It sure beats handwashing and trying to wring enough water out of the clothes to have them dry in this cold basement in less than four days...

Back to surfing... Wish I could sleep.

I've been working on www.epona.com this morning... so far - it's going well... at least I think so. Now all I have to do is add some content. Heh. Isn't that always the way?

I'm going to use it as a creative site - journalling and displaying my creative journey. I'll still use this for my personal rants and raves. I figure on having sections for pottery, photographs and other creative persuits... we'll see how it goes. It's not up, yet... but if you ask nicely, I can certainly give you a sneak preview. =) I'm trying to find a way to put my email address on the website without getting a mega-ton of spam and without having it impossible for newbie users to successfully email me...

At any rate... I'm also trying to get my favourite digital photos up and take some nice photos of the pottery that I'm not ashamed of and put that up there as well... poetry and short stories to come...

I've been working on www.epona.com this morning... so far - it's going well. Remarkably well. Now all I have to do is add some content. Heh. Isn't that always the way? I'm going to use it as a creative site - journalling and displaying my creative journey. With sections for pottery, photographs and other creative persuits... we'll see how it goes. It's not up, yet... but if you ask nicely, I can certainly give you a sneak preview. =) I'm trying to find a way to put my email address on the website without getting a mega-ton of spam and without having it impossible for newbie users to successfully email me...

I lost my post yesterday that said "We're in Vancouver"... so here's the shorter version in a recap. We're in Vancouver for the wedding of a childhood friend of Matthew's. The wedding was beautiful - in Stanley Park at The Pavillion and I met a lot of the people that Matthew grew up with in the Slocan Valley. Today we slept in like crazy and then had brunch with my parents. I surprised my mom with my new short haircut - yes, I did it, I cut off the dreads. As much as I loved the look - they were just so not practical for the lifestyle that I lead... going hiking in tick infested forests when you have a 124 nappy dreads isn't the smartest idea... plus they are way warm in the summer, PLUS I can't wear my horseback riding helmet with them... so it was time for them to go. I'm glad I did have them, though - I would have regretted not having done it at least once in my life.

Anyway lunch was great - we then picked up some dogfood and we're now on our way down to the Greyhound station to catch our overnight bus to Nelson. We get there at 5:10 AM... we leave at 6PM. One hour shorter than the ride down here. Heh.

At any rate... I hope this post works - if not I'll be updating from home with even fewer details. ;-)

We're in Nelson. Move was smooth as silk (though we have WAY too much "stuff" - don't even get me started on that one.) I love Nelson, the hills, the shops, the mountains, the wilderness, the civic centre movie theatre that shows one movie per week (or so). =-) This week is Matrix Reloaded - we went to see X2 the week before last. We're walking and biking everywhere and loving it. I don't feel homesick for the Lower Mainland at all - I wonder if I will? I probably won't because I can still call my Mom and Dad whenever I want to and my whole "immediate" family is here, already... Matthew, Rainy and Wave... and all of our "stuff". Gah. Time for another garage sale.

I met my birth dad on the weekend and I can really see where I get a fair bit of who I am and what I look like. Wow. I have a pic of the two of us together for those of you who are interested. Email me. Same bat time. Same bat channel. (telus.net, fools!)

Anyway.. updating this thing isn't what I want to be doing right now. We're expecting company in about an hour's time - they're driving up from Vancouver. Whee! Full house! Then we're heading to Vancouver by Greyhound on Friday night for a wedding on Saturday. We'll probably be back on Tuesday morning.

Things are coming together for the move... Pretty much the only thing that isn't packed is my computer. Heh. Go figure. ;-) It's our entertainment centre and connection to the world right now, but soon it, too will be relegated to bubble wrap and cardboard for a few days. ADSL is available where we're moving but it won't be ready until about a week after our phone line is hooked up on the 29th... so no internet for us for a week or so. Eep.

Ah well. All is good. So if you can't find me for a few days or I don't answer (hmm... what else is new, eh?) I'll be back online and checking my telus email soon.

The adventure continues...

The haxor handle of Heather is "Sex0r Dr3am".

What's yours? Enter your name:

Hee! Ali told a fib. She did share the Kim goodness with me - for a lovely stroll and lunch on The Drive. I'm very thankful, since they rescued me from my brain which was getting a bit fractured and more than usually odd as the result of packing for such an extended period. I'm now full of burger and salad goodness, refreshed from their presence and our walk and ready to tackle it again. A few more hours and I'll head out for some Easter Turkey dinner at Matthew's mom's place. =) Better get cracking. We're loading the truck one week from today. Eep!

So things never go as we expect them to. Thank goodness! I expected the worst when I went over to my parents' house yesterday... and though it was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do, it really had better results than I could have hoped for. I feel closer to my parents than I ever have before. They now know *everything*. There's nothing that I'm hiding anymore. It seems there always has been... and now it's clear that they're my parents and I can love and trust them as I've always wanted to. And even though they have told me that they do not want to have contact with the birth family... they're not mad that I will continue to do so.

In other amazing news, I've been accepted to KSA for first year studies! Whee! Now to figure out where the money to live and study is going to come from.

Did anyone think that I'd ever be here? I didn't. Happy. Moving to Nelson, job lined up, apartment lined up, engaged to be married, registering for school in the fall??! Amazing. Blessed Be.

Well. I'm home in Vancouver. I can barely believe the whirlwind weekend we've had. We left Friday afternoon around 3:00 and arrived in Salmo at 12:30 - long drive with lots of anticipation on my part of what we were headed into. There were so many emotions and feelings and things going on - it feels as though we've been gone two weeks. The short results are: I met my birth Mother, my full sister and her partner, my neices, my nephew, my birth Grandmother and birth Aunt and we all had dinner together. Matthew and I both got jobs and we found a basement suite to live in underneath what we think will be a great landlord and neighbour. I had my admissions interview at KSA and it went swimmingly well. I'll hear if I'm accepted in the next few weeks.

To quote a dear and loveable person named Ali, "Oh my word!".

I can't begin to describe the emotions that are running through me. I'm overwhelmed with the fear, the doubt, the worry and the anxiety about telling my Mom and Dad tomorrow about ALL of the goings on this weekend (they already know about the job and the apartment part) plus the stress of the fact that I have way less than absolutely no money until a few weeks after I start work up there.

Matthew just called. He rocks. We'll make it through this together. I'm still stressed, but not overwhelmed. I love you, Matthew. OMG. So much.

We're going.

Yes, the interview in Nelson is this coming Monday... not last Monday... and combined with the stress of a job interview, comes not one but TWO delightful passtimes... First, Meeting the Birth Mother (and family). I'm ready, though. I'm glad I've already met Carla and they all have pictures of me etc etc etc... makes things much easier. Then there's the job interview, and after the job interview there will be the tour of the school I want to go to and the admissions interview complete with portfolio presentation. Yikes. Ok. Gadzooks.

I'll be fine, really.

We leave in 25 minutes.