So the crush is gone, thankfully. I was beginning to worry that I was going back to being my old obsessive-self. Not so... not so.

The one thing that's bothering me today is living with my parents... how long did that take? Not even a month? I love them. I appreciate what they're doing for me. But they drive me MAD! I am not a person who changes the sheets on my bed every 7 days. I like to think I'm cleaner than that, and I do it every 2 weeks or so... I don't havea schedule for these things. My mom does.

The inane insipid ever-present elevator music and KennyG soprano sax is making me crazy.

The "Dad cooks breakfast on Saturdays and Sundays and you must eat when it's ready. It would be an insult to eat before then even though you're starving." attitude.

The moving of my sweater to the bannister that is on the way up to the room where I'm sleeping when it's been sitting on a chair for 10 minutes and I go look for it because I'm cold another 10 minutes later and it's not there.

My dad thinking he knows how to look after my dog better than I do... I can just see what it's going to be like if I ever have human children! Yeeg.

I'm bitter because I can't show them my tattoo. I'm just so put off by their attitudes any time they see a woman with a tattoo on TV "Oh, she's hard." To my mom a "hard woman" is someone who has mental problems, is a slut and a bitch and will never amount to anything. Problem is... I *have* amounted to something. I *like* who I am and I *do NOT* need her judging me unfairly for something that I have chosen to give myself and consider to be a wonderful gift. Yeah, I know life's unfair and all that. I just wish my Mom could be a bit more open minded about things and a bit more closed mouthed about the things she isn't open minded about! Very vocal, my mother.

In addition, I'm fighting some kind of illness that isn't all that horrendous, but my mom is telling me every few hours what I should be doing to take care of it, and feeling my forehead with her perfume-laden wrist. Meh. I don't generally like perfume. I don't like my mom's perfume. Sorry mom. It's stinky. Why the heck do you put perfume on when you're just toddling around the house, anyway?!

It's really not all that bad... at least that's what I keep telling myself... it's just all the little things that add up and make me bonkers. I know they love me and mean well... but it's still not easy.

Yeah.. I know... petty petty petty. I'm just down about not having my own space. Soon. Another month. *shudder*

Aside from the silly crush I developed on the weekend, I did learn a lot about keeping safe and healthy while backpacking in the back country:

From a great way to cinch up my backpack hip belt, and tie my boot laces with different tensions over the foot and on the ankle, to how to hang food and keep it from bears, set up a tarp as an emergency shelter or cooking shelter, how to keep my feet in good shape (tend to possible blisters before they happen) how to pack the load in my backpack so the weight is effectively distributed, timing of breaks on the trail, keeping hydrated, outdoor bathroom etiquette, where to pitch your tent in relation to your cooking area and water source and bathroom, what to do if you lose the trail or lose a person in your party, how to deal with surprising a bear on the trail and all sorts of other things.

I've already signed up for a navigation course (one day) and a wilderness survival course (overnight) with the same school - I was thoroughly impressed with the quality and enthusiasm level of the instruction.

Another long day at the office.... this one offset by Pho goodness for dinner... albeit not with the crowd I was truly wanting to eat with. Tomorrow I come straight home so I can do laundry. Wow. What an exciting life. At least by doing laundry I'm being true to myself. Yeah.

Thought about the instructor again on and off today. Fantasies ruling my brain. I'm slowly coming out of the daze... I find if I keep telling myself what I'm working towards and focus on that instead I can function normally... or as close to it as I ever get. What do I want? My. Own. Home. Mine. All. Mine. After I do that, we'll see what comes in the way of loving relationships. I'll join that mountain/hiking club for the experience and for ME and that's all there is to it.

Work was rough today. Too busy, too many people missing and too many calls to get much sense of resolution. Add in the factor of me drifting into a dream world and it made for one strangely surreal and irritating day.

The dreamworld I've let myself slip into involves having a huge crush on the instructor that took us out this weekend. I'm too old for crushes, and yet I have one. I'll never act on it, but my oh my do I ever drift off aimlessly into thoughts of what it would have been like to sneak into his tent on Saturday night! I found him attractive for a number of reasons: British accent, excellent teacher with nearly as much enthusiasm for teaching as he had for the outdorrs (TONS), knowledgeable about backcountry travel, safety and camping, lithe, lean body, great sense of humour, smiling eyes, believes in low-impact camping, and at the end of the trip I got an amazing hug from him. Good hugs say a lot about a person. I keep thinking about him and it's just WRONG. Why? Well... because I'm using this made-up feeling as a band-aid for my recent breakup... and... he's married. He doesn't wear a ring, but that's probably because he's a rock climber.. he only mentioned his wife once.. and that was at the pre-trip meeting.

Still... I did enjoy hiking behind him... nice view. ;-)

I'm not ready for a real relationship yet... but I shouldn't let myself drift off into dreamland and ignore the reality of healing and growth that I truly need. I will, however, join a backcountry hiking/camping club and see if I can meet more like-minded people.

I had such a fantastic time... not only because of the fun of the crush, but I learned tons about hiking, making and breaking camp, cooking outdoors, staying safe in bear country and a whole host of other things. I'll write up some tips and tricks that I learned on the trip and make up some kind of web page... one day. ;-)

For now it's time to go take my sweet doggie for a walk.

Home safe! Had an awesome time learning tons from an excellent instructor. Simon rocked. The trip rocked. Now it's time for a hot soaky bath and some sleep. I'll fill you all in tomorrow.

Finally packed. I have too much shit. I need to learn how to pack lighter. :-/ That is probably what this trip will teach me. I need a smaller tent!!! Next week at the Mountain Equipment Co-op... ;-)

MEC owns me.

Thanks to Dave and Mike for welcoming me into their (formerly my) home and saving up all the mail that the forwarding doofuses missed. And my apologies to them once more for choosing, in my folly, to use Sprint Canada for my local and long distance phone service. If you're considering using Sprint Canada, don't do it. They suck. I'd rant... but I don't have the appropriate level of energy to be truly effective. Leave a comment if you want more details and a rant will be forthcoming (once I get more sleep).

Went to do the "grown up" things tonight... and then some childish but oh so fun things. I saw my financial advisor and gave him a big chunk of money to invest for me, picked up the mail and visited with the DVD-lovin' inhabitants of my old apartment, and then I spent the leftover bits of money at the Mountain Equipmeht Co-op. That rocked. Especially since a lovely girl that works there is going camping with us and helped us get a deal on some top quality gear. Yum. Gore Tex.

More after the weekend. I need my sleep.

The weirdest shit bugs my parents.

They don't use the living room at all except when company comes over. I'm getting ready for my first *real* backpacking trip ever this weekend. They're stressing about my gear being on the love seat. It's not strewn all over the place. It's neat and organized and on the love seat. They have a huge couch and two other chairs in there... and they don't use the room.They want me to put it away. I will. Reluctantly. I want to SORT it, that's why it's out there. I want to make sure I don't forget anything!! Gads. They just don't get it. It's not like they ever EVER use that room. I'm so glad I'm moving in with Graham at the end of next month. So. Glad.

I think he'll understand... or at least I'll have my own room to use to sort stuff in.

Moving in here, I knew these times would come at mom and dads... I was just getting all settled in and feeling like they were mellowing enough that I could live with them.... never let your guard down! It's not worth the pain! ;-)

Away I go to sort and then put away. Weird.

It's all good... but it's weird. weird. weird.

Too tired to post. Great info at the pre-trip session for backpacking skills course. I'l post more later. What? Didn't I tell you about the backpacking course I'm taking? Oops. I forgot! Fill you in later.

Some very good news. I'm going to go move in with my brother and his roommate (girl) in their rented 3 bedroom rancher in Maple Ridge. Their other two roommates (a couple) are moving out at the end of June, so I'll move at the beginning of July. It's about a 10 minute further drive each way to work than my parents' house is but I'd have my own room and be able to set up my computer desk in the dining room. Connection 24/7 baby, yeah! All for the low low price of $350/month. It's a deal. I can still uber save for my house (which might be in Maple Ridge looking at the great prices..) and I'll feel more independent again (not to mention I'll get to wear tank tops for the summer.) ;-)

I haven't seen the place yet but my brother says it's alright, and I trust him. I'll go visit one day soon to check it out. It's funny how things just seem to work out sometimes... too bad they didn't "work out" to be living in Richmond or Marpole which is much closer to work... but I think I'll enjoy it immensely considering the beauty of the location... and we can have barbequeus and partys and my DOG can live with me. Whee! Big changes. Living far away. Living in the country after living in the city. Missing George - but realizing he's truly not ready for me. Tell you what, though... I hate the woman who he is ready for one day. Hate her. Unless she's me... but that's another unlikely story... :-/

Liftpullflop liftpullflop liftpullflop...

The ride to Fort Langley yesterday was beautiful. I'm using one of the photos I took on the way as my background -- it's a valley picture - gren grass and trees, blue sky, mountains, puffy clouds and a herd of horses grazing. Gorgeous!! I got mom a gift certificate to one of her favourite clothing stores (and she loved it).

Time to go down into the nasty spidery crawl space and sort my junk for a garage sale. Yeek.

Pathetic.

Now that was a stupid thing to go and do....

Watching "Dirty Dancing" on TV. Yeah, you read that right.

"Now why was that stupid?" You might reasonably ask.

Well... because it gets me all mushy and romantical feeling and looking at Patrick Swayze only makes me compare him to George (who comes out favourably) and gets me all thinking about what *could* have been, had George been ready... had I been ready. Now I know I am. But he is not.

Will I ever find someone who is? Someone who offers what George gave me and more? My heart breaks with doubt and lonlieness.

Stupid.

Stupid.

Happy Mother's Day!

I just learned that I have the exact same birthday as Shaquille O'Neal. Weird.

In 1972, Shaquille O'Neal, Newark NJ, NBA center (Magic, Lakers, Oly-gold-96)

From this site. Thanks Darren.

I'm going to bed, now. Yuh-huh.

Time to figure out what to get Mom for mother's day. Being on call sucks. I want to ride my bike to Fort Langley and get a gift certificate from the store she likes there. I think I will anyway... even though it means hauling the laptop along with me. There was a time (a few weeks ago) when I couldn't have left the house at all. Thank goodness for the wonderment that is GPRS modems from Fido. Whee!

Pannier packing here I come... dooo dahhhh doo dahhh!

Sometimes, I miss him so.

Tired and lonely, I feel my past calling,
Your voice from a distance all too near.
I remember a place that time has not yet hidden from me,
And dread a future that holds you in another's arms.

I am so tired I can barely see. This is when the dread and the fear and the uncertainty claim me for their own and do with me what they will. I have one incredible advantage. I know how much stronger I am than this. I am ready to fight. Time will give me distance. Time will give me strength.

Home and TIRED. Swapped shifts yesterday to facilitate the whole sleep thing.... and then not have to drive to Langley before heading out to Vancouver for a house warming party. At my old digs. How strange is that? I'm curious to see what it's like with "other people's stuff" in it. Plus, it doesn't feel like home to me, anymore.... I want MY OWN place. OWN being the operative word, there.

At any rate. Dinner to attend to... dear friends' wedding plans to talk about *whee* (NO pages tonight during that time please and thank you people!) and then much much needed sleep to get.

I ache.

Long day yesterday. Short night. Meh. Pager can suck, indeed it can... but I'm going to have one big shift on this next paycheque and TWO on the cheque after that. Wh00t! ;-)

Made plans with my dear-friend-from-school-who-now-lives-far-far-away to go up and visit her in far-far-away land in June. I'm excited! She's going to be hella pregnant by that time... only four weeks from her due date - so maybe her hubby will be picking me up? Or I'll walk? We'll see!

Living with the parents is good, except for a few things.

1. The bed I'm sleeping on is crap and my back is starting to hurt.
2. Dad wants me out of there as soon as possible and he not-so-subtly hints about it all the time.

Things I could do to remedy these few things:

1. Buy a better twin mattress for the bed I'm sleeping on (I can then use this in my 'spare room' when I get my house!)
2. Suck up to Dad big time ("Hey Dad, wanna go golfing? Can I wash the car for you?") and keep out of his way as best I can while proving to him that I'm saving tons of money towards buying my own place and couldn't do so nearly as quickly without the help they're giving me by letting me stay there rent free.

Who knows... maybe he'll come around in a few months time... maybe he won't. Whatever happens I just have to dump as much money as possible into the "saving for a house for Heather" fund while the dumping is good. No rent and no food bills = $ha-ching! $aving$! Argh! The slowness of it all. I'm hoping that by this time next year I'll be chewing on a cigar and saying in my best Hannibal-leader-of-the-A-team-voice "I love it when a plan comes together."

I miss Gretchen's postings. Gretchen, come home!

Got to sleep at 8:30 last night. Got a page at 9:30 and thought it was my alarm clock at first. Silly me.

Doctors are "on strike" here in B.C. again. I have problems with that. Yesterday specialists were not taking new patients, today it's General Practitioners. They'll still take you if you already had an appointment, or if it's an emergency... but no more unpaid "on call" doctors or other services and they're not taking any new patients, either. This SUCKS.

Something has to change.... but what? There is a lot of fear about going to a two-tiered system or losing public health care altogether. For the most part I feel that having public health care is good... except... the doctors still get paid even if they don't diganose or fix my problem. I don't think this is right. They don't have any vested interest in doing a good job to fix what's wrong with me if they don't see any financial benefit. I suppose they see *some* benefit, in that they *may* get more patients coming to them if word gets around that they care... but all my doctors have just seemed to refer me willy-nilly to whatever specialist there is around.. and I have not gotten satisfactory results from this method so far.

Maybe I'm jaded. Just fix my foot, damnit.

Super early bed tonight. Got lots done.

Saw the end of Spiderman. Definitely going to see this one in the theatres. Multiple times.
Studied towards MCSE - dont' ask why, it doesn't matter.
Talked finances and insurance with the folks.
Took the dog for a brisk fun walk down to the park and the long way back.
Uploaded pictures for Tyler - no you can't see them until he does.

Rainy looks awesome. I should post a picture. She was a guinea pig in a grooming competition yesterday and boy howdy the groomer that did her should have won. Somebody bought the judge and this haircut wasn't good enough.

Time for a restful read of a new book and then some sleep.