There is something to be said for waking up with the dawn. Okay, maybe it wasn't quite "the dawn" but it was early. After getting dressed and organizing a few things that I wanted to go through today, I shooed George off to my bed to finish out his slumber. Now I can get busy and organize things around here.

On that note... I'd love to ramble on more, but I have too much to DO around here today before heading off to my parents' for the remainder of the weekend. Busy. Busy. Busy.

Life looks pretty good. Sometimes scary, but overall great. =)

I wish I could listen to somafm on my stereo out in the living room. :-/ Poo. I'll have to hook that up in the new place.

Now I lay me down to sleep.

Working on a Stat the last day before a two week "vacation" is ass. I say "vacation" because I don't get to go anywhere. Originally this time was booked off to go to Hawaii... but that didn't pan out... and things being as they are relationship-wise, I get to spend the time looking for a new place to live. The timing couldn't have been better, but it still sucks a little bit when I think that George is going to Hawaii for those two weeks.

Like I say, I'm going to miss him, but not as much as I would, were I still 'in love' with him. I also realize that I need someone who is firmly in the relationship as I am. He's not capable of that right now... and I certainly don't want to be a "place filler" while he waits for whatever it is he's waiting for before being ready to commit. I'm not looking for marriage, but I am looking for a partner who wants to go forward *with* me. I, too, need my own space and some time to get my head and heart together. George and I had a great relationship, one that will be VERY hard to top.

For now, I'm looking forward to having my own place for a year or so, being the only person to use my stuff unless I invite someone over, and being the only person who decides where the dog can go and what she can do while she's there. I enforced some rules for George's comfort that I can disregard, now! My baby-dog can cuddle in the bed with me anytime. *snuggle*

I'm a bit scared of not finding anything that will allow Rainy to live with me. That would suck incredibly, but I think my parents would be good sports and take Rainy until I can find a place that lets me have a dog. That is my absolute last and final resort... but it's good that it's there. Keeps the stress level where I can handle it without having to burst into tears every few hours.

Back to work for 20 more minutes...

Still too tired. Bed calling me...

However.

Baltimore has great people and terrifying people. I was more on edge in that city than I think I've ever been. It is a very blue collar city, and many of the people I saw behaved in larger than life, in your face, way out there, blue collar ways. It was like living in a Daytime TV talk show featuring Yo' Momma. There is such a division between black and white -- which is something I've never experienced, living in Vancouver. The division was palpable and almost seemed to be rising up in essence from the walls of the old buildings and the streets of the project housing that surrounds Johns Hopkins Hospital.

The cab drivers are completely crazy, but I think it's because they have to be. I've never heard car horns honked so much in my life, except in celebrating a wedding! These, though, were not celebratory honks. The drivers honk and yell and speed and cut people off... just like everyone else on the roads.

One night on the way back to the hotel from the hospital, we asked the driver to stop at a gas station. He obliged. I almost wish he hadn't. Two of us got out. Simon to buy smokes and me to get some bottled water. We were accosted by three large black men who asked us for change repeatedly and very loudly by getting right into our personal space and by trying to get right into our cab. The gas station attendant and all the wares that the gas station sold were behind 3/4 inch plexiglass. This should have been a BIG hint to us.

Nothing bad happened, but the cab driver did yell at the guy climbing in our cab and finally had to back up with the door open to get him out of our laps (four of us legitimately in the back seat) before driving very quickly off. Most interesting and eye opening stop to get water that I ever had.

I'll write more later, but for now I can barely keep my eyes open. Sleep time!

Home. Sweet. Home.

Too tired to post last night and now I must go to work.

We're still in the server room. Joseph is working his magic with the help of Simon, and the rest of us are done all that we can do and waiting for the magic to be complete. We could have left here about 3 hours ago... but being women and taking a taxi in Baltimore alone isn't the safest of ideas so they made us stay. I've been wheeling around in a wheelchair and snoozing. Playing my Delerium tape through the computer's speakers to dull the hum of the computers...

We'd damn well better get some sleep tomorrow...

Been thinking about George and I a lot. Been thinking about the new stage in life I'm approaching, going over my plans in my head, and for once in my life, they seem to finally be really solid. This is really what I want. I'll miss the snuggles. I'll miss having another human around. But honestly, I won't miss it *that* much... I"ll miss being able to say "he's mine". But, at last I am ready to live on my own. To have MY own place and plan and save and rejoice in MY future. I'm no longer going to wait around for someone to "make me happy", cuz boys and girls... that is a MYTH perpetuated by the evil that is the media. I'm just sucker enough to have believed in it for way too long.

Retirement planning, down-payment saving and travel are all in my future. So are decorating to suit ME -- apartment beige is going to get the hell out of my life. I'll just have to paint over my handiwork when I leave. SO not a big deal. I've spent some of my down time designing and sketching out ideas for a glorious spiraly, swirly painted on the wall headboard for my new place, and thinking about colours for other rooms... this is going to be FUN! One room at a time, when I can afford it, and I'll soon have a place that I'll never want to leave!

I hope that the place with the outdoor pool is nice and allows Rainy to live there with me.

Four hours of sleep after 17 hour 'at work' day is not enough. Especially when it's followed by another 15 - 16 hour workday.

Things done blowed up real good. Somehow, the server has an NTFS error. It is not happy. It is being rebuilt on site. Luckily, we had an extra day in the plans, unluckily, this means no Washington, DC for us... We kind of have to think it just wasn't meant to be... maybe the server is saving us from being arrested for being strange Canadian Tourists, or saving us from something even worse. Whatever the case, our job comes first. Poor Joseph is going to be stuck working on it all night long. Thank goodness he's along. The rest of us may be able to muddle through... but then again, we may not.

I love these little workstations all around the radiology department.. they give me blogger access so I can catch up on what my h0z are doing while I'm away... if only they'd UPDATE MORE! ;-) Wish they had MIRC or gave me access to install it...

Back to work and then hopefully back to the hotel for some sleep. Some of us should be fresh for tomorrow...

So. Finished. Finally.

I worked from 4:00pm until 3:00am on those frickin' unarchived cases... and damnit, I MADE THEM MY BITCHES!

That's right. I rock. Slowly.

Johns Hopkins Hospital is cool. Mr. Hopkins' name was Johns. Apparently it was a family name on his mother's side. A very cool security guard who obviously loves his job (yay!) told us all about Mr. Hopkins and the history of the University and Hospital. I took many pictures of the beautiful dome building and the 10 foot marble statue of Jesus The Consoler that is inside.

*ACHOO!!*

Anyone ever notice that sneeze smell? You know... metallic like iron.... or honey... I only know 2 people in the world that know about that smell. Do any of you?

Flitter. Flutter. Flight. Flight. Flew. Look at my thoughts go hither and thither...

So tired. So thirsty. So ready to go back to the hotel to sleep. I hope we get to go to DC on Sunday.

So.. that last update didn't do anything.

I'm on site. I'm trying to archive stubborn unarchived studies. They WON'T GO!!! I'm down to 23 from 49 but these last few just won't do anything I ask them to. Bitches.

So meanwhile I reboot the machines to see if that works and add to my pathetic blog.

Baltimore's cool. Baltimore's fun. Baltimore's on the east coast! It's my first time on the east coast, and I'm trying to find GOOD CRAB. So far it sucked... I'll try again some other day. The hotel is nice, WIndham Inner Harbor <-- silly Americans, where's the "u"? I took pictures. I'll post them when I get home.

Back to work....

It's waaaay too early. I leave for the airport in about 20 minutes. I probably won't have internet access for the next week, so go read about Ariosa's life instead. =)

Off I go to adventure! Chicago, Baltimore, Toronto, Home. Best possible way to reach me, maybe, kinda, sorta... qgirlz email.

It's incredible what a difference a day and a decision can make.

Last night I made the decision to wait to buy a place, to save money and find a rental apartment by the end of next month instead. I will be able to travel, find myself, and still have a home base to come back to... and suddenly a weight lifted from my shoulders, not to mention my heart... and I was free to rejoin the land of the living and connected to reality people. It's nice.

What is love if you can't let go? It's not.

Time to play RTCW, pack for my trip and hopefully get some sleep tonight - being at the airport at 5:00AM is some kind of ass. I also have to log in to work and update the masses as to where I'll be and what needs follow up while I'm gone. Joy.

The world is turning upside down. Nothing is as it was and it can never be, again. I just want to go screaming through the streets running until I can't run anymore. Screwdrivers in power outlets. Teeth gnashing. Hair pulling. Aything to end the numbness. To end the sadness. To make me feel hope again. To make me feel whole again.

I am empty. I am desolate. I am not handling this well.

The "work me" is a shell.. barely going through the motions... itching to scream and run and rage and cry... deeply entrenched in an inner world of my own making and hardly registering what's going on around me.

I'm not handling this well.

Why must I change?

Change is diffucult. Change is frightening.

Why must I change?

Because I never want to stop growing. There is no growth without change. Accepting and fully experiencing change is the only way to keep growing.

Why must I change?

I will not know who I am if I do not allow myself to experience change. I need to always know who I am.

lift-pull-flop lift-pull-flop lift-pull-flop

Whew! All done.

It's SEXY! But still red.... Look! Joshua, once again was entertaining. He's one sick little boy, but so much fun. =D

Devon was wonderful and showed up when I was taking my "pre-tatto pee break". I came out to Devon hugs (whee!) and she stayed all the way through, taking pictures and talking Pavlov, Schroedinger's Cat, blowjobs and sluts with us. She was inspired to really get her own tattoo soon.. and she wants to get Joshua to do it. I'll show up if she wants me there and take many pictures for her and laugh and talk and support her wimpy butt all the way through it!

Afterwards we headed up Robson Street, because I was still on a high from the whole experience *and* I was feeling thirsty. We wandered for a while, dropped by a few stores and finally got a drink and headed back to White Spot's burger place for some AWESOME fries and talk of men, life, the universe and everything. Glorious! Note to self... spend more time doing girl things with Devon.

I never have time for the Friday Five.. and most of you know my history with pets, so I'll skip it this week. =)

Tattoo shading day for me! I'm going on my own, Devon may drop by -- but whatever happens, it's cool. I'm really looking forward to it. Today was to be delivery day for my birthday present from my mom... but unfortunately I wasn't able to get in contact with the shipping department in time to let them know that I would be able to have someone here around the time that they had to come, so they didn't load it on the truck just in case. That's cool, it will arrive on the 30th in the morning, instead and I'll get to be here for it ~ otherwise George would have to hang out here to wait for it today because I will be at NeXT.

Finally got some decent sleep last night. Life is in turmoil in some very big ways right now... and planning for the future has kept my head busy and whirling too much to sleep well some nights. I got very comfortable with the way things were going... not exactly "happy" not exactly "unhappy", at different times a bit of both, but definitely "comfortable" for the most part. Big big changes in the wind.

For those who are curious and inventive, you have sources.

It's funny and I just realized this. I can always tell when I'm really and honestly experiencing life when Sarah McLaughlin's songs move me to the point of tears when I sing them or hear them. When I'm coasting, and not really living, I still like Sarah's music... but it becomes a bit too "challenging" for me. I can listen to it for a while, but then I sort of pull away from it. Not willing to get into the thick of it and feel deeply. Right now I'm down and dirty in the tough reality that is life and Sarah's music reduces me to tears of laughter, joy and pain almost instantly. Thank-you, Sarah. One day I'd like to meet you and thank you in person.

I've thought about it and mccow is right. Travel is the way to go.

Now comes the planning and outfitting and selling of all things worldly to make it happen! I'll fill everyone in on details later, but I wanted to thank //cow for making me think.


RAOWR

I called and cancelled the cable TV today and it feels really, really good. I got a few choruses of "WHY!?" from some co-workers, but one quietly respected my decision and wished he could get his S.O. to see that getting rid of cable would be a good thing. Another is already among the ranks of the cable-less and he cheered for me, too.

Cancelling cable is definitely not something that everyone needs to do. I, however, am weak and must remove this evil that so easily drains my brain. =)

The non-confrontational wuss in me was vanquished. It really can help, sometimes.

Those of you who need to know that I love you... I hope you do.

On to yet another rant...

Life is short. Many of us waste this short and precious time with things that don't matter. We waste them with things that rot our brains and turn creativity into mush. I begin to live the life that is programmed for me everu time I turn on the television. I'm feeling more and more strongly that I want to cut off cable completely. I don't need TV for news or entertainment. I can find out what I need to know online or from listening to everyone at work talk about what they saw last night. And television entertainment? That kind of entertainment keeps me slogging along like a drone. Never really feeling anything. Being fed what to feel by Survivor, COPS, Elimidate and Friends. Flipping through channels endlessly to find out if "something's on". Even if "nothing good" is on, I sometimes even end up droning away to the Maury Poviches and Sally's of the world. It's such a waste. There are some really, really horrible things out there that are disguised as "good television". Then there are the things that don't even bother to disguise themselves. I think I saw an ad for a celebrity match fight between Danny Boniducci and Todd Bridges. What. The. Hell.?!?! Television has sunk to new lows. Mass media runs the world, is pure evil and Oprah is the Devil.

I definitely don't need that in my life. Time to have a serious talk with George about our cable.

Even more time for sleep.