Doing pretty well. I wonder how much of my emotional issues are because I've been alone in this house for nearly 3 months and I feel more lonely with Matthew home, sometimes than when it was just me, and how much is pregnancy related.

I guess only time will tell.

The cold is clearing up, the sun is out, though it was frosty this morning - I think I'll go play with Maya and then get down to business in the studio. That really is the best way - then I don't yearn to be outside, cuz I've already been. So much to do - so little time left to do it before I have to set up a booth at a trade show and hawk my wares!! I guess I'll learn, quickly!

I always did work best under pressure. It tends to make me more focused than my scatter-brained pisces nature will usually allow.

Told the birth family about baby, today. They all seem happy about it. Oh - still have to call birth dad... so not everyone knows, yet. Best get on that.

This cold has got me tired and stuffed up, but my boss is understanding (and I'm sure doesn't want to get all his customers sick!) so I'm off work today. That will leave me with enough time to get things a bit more organized around here. I should probably try to lie down for a bit of rest before I get cracking, or maybe take an acetaminophin... that's supposed to be safe during pregnancy and I didn't take anything at all last night, although the Nyquil sure was tempting. Couldn't risk it - and I did manage to sleep on and off for a few hours at a time all night. Pain in the sinuses, I tell you!

So my horseplay has been much curtailed, first I was away all weekend and now I'm not feeling very healthy, so I don't want to risk getting out there and getting into a situation where I don't have the energy or ability to cope with what comes up. I think I might just go sit with them for a while today, bundle myself up and trundle off to the paddock for some quality undemanding time.

I have a feeling I'm going to need more tissues before this cold is over with! Puffs Plus with Lotion... here we come.

Aside from the sniffling and snuffling of a cold (a gift from my sister-in-law's twins) I had a good weekend down on the coast... and now that my parents know, everyone else can know, too! Matthew and I are expecting a baby in September. =) You don't know how many times I've been typing away and almost let something slip on here. ;-) Now I can be open and not have to censor myself.

Trying hard to get this place cleaned up before Matthew comes home on Friday, but I don't know if I'll make it or not. I keep sitting down in front of the TV and getting sucked in. I have accomplished a bunch but I'm sneezing so much that it gets demoralizing and I just sit it out and blow my nose and turn on the TV. Then I'm done for a few hours. It's already dark out and I haven't fed the horses, yet. I'll head out there, now and call my boss to see if we can postpone or he can find other help this week. I do NOT want to sneeze in the dip! Ick. Nobody else does, either, I'm sure.

Okay.. so off to try to get this place ship shape!

Saw the first robins of spring two days ago and the first crocus blossoms in my garden, it's been sunny, rained all night last night, and it's looking to be a partly cloudy day today. Amazing how my motivation goes UP when the weather is more spring-like.

It also helps that my neighbours helped me pull my truck out of where it was stuck yesterday and I put insurance on it for 7 months. I HAVE WHEELS!!! It was an adventure, and a fun one, at that - but we finally got it started, I drove to town and MAN does that improve a girl's outlook on life, let me tell you. I love my truck.

Horsemanship has been going well - read my horsemanship journal if you want more info, and other things are looking up, too. Had a long talk with Matthew about stuff, and he discovered what his process is when he starts to snap back - I think it's a great step in the right direction and we WILL work through it. He really can surprise me with the amazing amount of effort that he puts in.

Matthew's mom gave me the book "The Secret" for my birthday. It's kind of ironic because I ordered "The Secret" DVD for her for Christmas, but it didn't arrive in time to give it to her. I'll bring it for her this weekend. The book has more detail on the "how to" than the DVD had and I've been putting in to effect some of the techniques of an "attitude of gratitude" as well as being thankful for "having it now". Really changes your outlook on life when you notice something that you're kind of happy about and actually acknolwedge it - and look for the good things in everytyhing. I feel so powerful today. I just intend things to be easy and fun - like cleaning the house, and you know what? It happens! Easily. And it's fun. That is really, REALLY sweet.

Today is a busy day, lots to do before Sarah comes tomorrow and we head out to Vancouver. My plan is to throw more mugs, do some other stuff, like go to town for feed, etc and then come back and trim and handle the mugs from the other day. I also have some more clean up to do, but I'm happy about that because it's going to be so fun and easy with my new attitude of gratitude.

Words of the Day:

Positive. Strong. Capable. Blessed.

Make them Your words, too.

Love.

Rain falls. Snow melts. Spring arrives. I did feel such unabandoned joy about that, but now... *sigh*

Not much to say - Matthew came home this weekend and things went as well as ever. *sarc* It started out better than okay, but probably only becuase his friend came with him from school. Once he'd gone... it went downhill. He's always more pleasant to be around when other people are here. Why am I deserving of such sub-standard treatment? How about you don't take your stress out on me. Discuss it with me, DEAL with it, but don't take it out ON me. K?

Matthew climbed under the nasty trailer and ran the wire for my kiln. He emerged covered in cat poo, pee and who knows what other lovely things that evil animals left under the trailer. Thank goodness for coveralls. We have to clean that out this summer and block it up properly so nothing else can get in. The smell, now that spring is here, is horrible! He does do such amazing things for me.

*sigh*

Why do I feel so indifferent and hopeless? When we're apart, I think things will be just great and that we're making progress, but everytime we get together again, it just deteriorates. PAIN. Is it all my "expectations". Evil expectation. It's not mine so much as his, I think. I go along feeling like everything's fine, then he talks down to me and I feel hurt and invalidated. He talks down to me for NO REASON. I will not suck it up and ignore it anymore. Hurts even more that way and doesn't change anything.

Blah. So much to do, so little motivation. I think I used up all my motivation last summer.

Whew.

Lazy.

I went for a walk this morning at least... up to the mailboxes and back - it's about a 45 minute jaunt, 30 minutes uphill (I typed uphell at first, heh) and then a more relaxing, easier breathing 15 downhill. I'm trying to make this a regular first thing in the morning routine, and then do everything else after that - have to get up early to fit in the 45 minutes, but it would be worth it to have good cardio, plus the more often I do it the shorter my time will get and the less winded I will be. It's also good for the dogs.

Since I got home, I've had breakfast, fed the critters and then proceeded to sit here on the computer reading others' blogs and updating my own.

Now, I should and WILL (GORAM IT!) go into my studio and decorate the rest of my mugs - taking into account those things I learned in the last firing. Wipe the rim of the liner glaze and thin the outer glaze just a touch. Then... perfection! At least until the Next Big Breakthrough.

Feeling a bit less overwhelmed today than yesterday, mainly due to reading others trials and tribulations, getting the cats room and litterboxes bleached and cleaned and having some laundry done and the kitchen almost useable! Heee.

After mugs, vacuuming will occur in this house! Then yoga. Yoga on the rug in the state it's in now - 3 cats (shedding), 1 dog, firewood inside... well it ain't pretty. Plank would be scary and child's pose even moreso.

Thinking about you... all of you.

Fiddle dee dum... fiddle dee dee...

Hum. Swell... Headache. Waiting to find out if I get to go to the Dam Inn Pub tonight for Wings Night. Thrilling, really.

In pottery news: Could not for the life of me find my underglaze on Monday, so had to borrow the one ingredient I was missing from the school in order to make up a new batch! So now, I've made a new batch of liner, and a new batch of underglaze AND I will be firing final product in a kiln I've never glaze fired before. Three unknowns. No time to test. Gads I hope it works out!!! I need mugs for the 28th! Sell, baby, sell! Phew. But at least I got that part done, they're all signed, waxed and lined... now I just have to draw horses on all of them, glaze the outside and pack them carefully to take to my friend's house for firing. My kiln gets wired up on Friday - then I can test it... but too late for this run, I fear. Maybe I'll do about 30... then I'll have 30 more to test plus all my 'tester' pieces. I also must remember to buy some more pyrometric cones.

Waiting. Waiting. Doesn't look like I'm going to the Inn. Poo. Better start the fire so I can get warm - it's cold in here. And put the oven on for some pizza. Maybe I'll start drawing some horses. Couldn't hurt. I only have 3 days to do it and pack 'em up for Sunday.

Meh.

Other than that good day, though. Worked 4 hours, went to town for lunch Mmmmmmmm.... El Taco! Then came home and spent some quality "scratching the itchies" time with the horses. They're just beginning to shed... SPRING is coming! Though you might not know it from the 10cm of snow we got the other day. :-/ Away to me, pig!

Matthew came home and surprised me on Valentine's Day - a day earlier than planned. I was expecting my friend to come by so when I heard a knock at the door I wasn't surprised - until I looked up to see my sheepishly sweetly smiling husband with flowers and chocolates in hand. *melt*

He liked my gift, though I'm not totally happy with it, yet. I think I need to darken up the background to make the timbers "pop" more. He took it with him, so the fixing will have to wait until he brings it back - if he'll let me by then... it will have become so familiar that he might not want me to change it.

At any rate... I have TONS of work to do in the next week. Lots of mugs to decorate and glaze so that I have something to sell at Oso Negro in March. *yikes* Hopefully they will work out so I don't have to worry so much and I can test my kiln in a more leisurly fashion. Gads. Electricians!!!

Time for bed.

Wow. Good day. Had the "Send Me Something" marketing class at CF today with Chris Holand from Juggernaut. He was entertaining and made things simple. We accomplished a lot in that class. I'll have to get on it and actually "Send him something" for the homework assignment. But what.
Too tired to do it today - maybe tomorrow, likely Thursday or Friday.

Exhausted. Absolutely. I want to go to bed but can't quite yet. Maybe I'll just nap on the couch until my sister gets here to eat her dinner. Or better yet - call her to see where she's at cuz I need SLEEP.

Meh. No answer.

Ah zeee blog. You never know who's reading. ;-) Hi b-boy.

Had a great day with Sarah today - we went to KSA together and have been close friends ever since. Her hubby's flight from Vancouver to Castlegar got cancelled yesterday and delayed this morning, which had her at my place watching movies, making pizza, chatting and sleeping over last night - then in the morning we cruised the 'gar after discovering *just* after plugging the meter at the Airport, that Kendrick's flight was sent back to Vancouver - low ceiling. (aka FOG). There's a reason they call it "Cancel-gar". So, I bought a frame for Matthew's picture, then we headed back home and unloaded my bisque firing from yesterday over at Raya's - still no kiln hooked up here, but it's getting closer! After that, we went to town, visited KSA, ate sushi (omg yum), did a few errands and Sally-Ann shopped till we dropped. I got a wool-mohair blend "camel" coat for $1.25. No tax. Regularly $6.99. And actually, Sarah bought it for me! It'll definitely last me all the rest of the winter and into spring for 'going out'. I'm getting a bit sick of being puffy in down. I feel puffy enough already on my own.

Whew. Run-on haircut blog paragraphs are fun.

Feeling good tonight. I have a CF class tomorrow, gottal call Joe (the electrician) and then work on Wednesday, screen some glazes (once I find them), fix up the kiln, clean up the mugs and more.

Thursday will bring appointments in Nelson, some help with my books at CF and then cleaning the house for Matthew and our guest. Busy week. But I always feel SO MUCH BETTER and more productive when my days are booked solid. I also appreciate the down time that much more instead of wasting it.

In other news, I'm off TV. I did watch three? episodes of Farscape, Season 2, this evening, but they're on DVD so I don't count them. NO MORE CHANNEL SURFING FOR THIS GIRL. Sorry, Yelling. I know. PROCLAIMING! I will only watch Heroes (which I MISSED tonight DAMMIT - just realized) Ah well. Obviously I don't even really need to watch that. But I wanna. Meh.

Okay.. yes... time for bed.

Been a while since I posted. Again. Matthew is away at school learning to Timberframe, but he has come home a few times to visit - both times he surprised me. He doesn't know it yet but I'm painting him a picture for Valentine's Day. Heee. He doesn't read this, so I've no fear that he'll find out before he gets it. It's a watercolour (terrible one - I'm not skilled at watercolour!) of some timberframe braces and joints. I think he'll like it. We'll see. I'm going to frame it up and mail it to him at school, I think. Maybe I'll wait till the 15th, cuz he's coming home that weekend. Dunno for sure, yet.

It's likely that I have to work tomorrow, though I don't know for sure. Better call Troy.

I'm really ready for winter to be over. I look at all the snow outside and I can't believe it'll ever be warm enough to have green grass, sunny skies, and swimming in the lake! 'Course, once that time comes, I won't be able to imagine snow covering everything.

Back from holidays and recovering from visiting the family all over the place in the Lower Mainland. I've ridden to get the mail twice this week... Maya not so sure about me being the boss all the time, though she's getting more accepting - especially since I stick to it and don't give up. I think she must have had her way most of the time in previous relationships with humans. She did with me, at first! Now I mostly get my way with a few small lapses.

I'm reading "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus." From my side of things it's surprisingly accurate. Matthew says he wants to read it, too... but he hasn't started, yet. :-/ I'm trying to apply some of the things that I've learned, and not too surprisingly, it seems to work.

Things are strange in website land.... epona.com is down - and so is binarywisdom.net - Leanne? Adam? What does this mean? I'd best email those two and find out if they're okay. /me crosses everything she has for luck.

My lower back is truly bothering me today, probably from riding yesterday and then doing yoga when I haven't done any serious yoga in a while. I don't usually have lower back pain, mid back, yes...but not lower. So today I just went and hung out in the paddock with the girls - no ride with a sore back. Matthew put a chinese medicine patch on it for me - hopefully it gets better with some rest and gentle stretching.

Meh. Boring entry. I've been feeling strangely ill lately because our schedule is all messed up and I don't eat/drink regularly. When I get dehydrated I start to feel ill - then I don't want to have anything to drink, even though I know that when I do I will feel better. I do drink water at these times, even though ingesting anything is about the last thing that I want to do.

No. I'm not pregnant. Just dehydrated!

Missed seeing Kim and Ed in Vancouverland over the past week... no answer on the phone! Evil phone! Ah well... *hugs* to them anyway! We WILL hook up at some point. Having no access to internet while I was in most places in Van made it hard to get in touch with them.

Off I go to move the dishwasher and watch Parelli DVDs. w00t!

A crazy few days in a good way. Lots of working on the place, getting my shelves set up in the studio room, cleaning, the never-ending cleaning.... *sigh* and the Christmas baking. I'm almost all done with that --- doing butter tarts today and then I can call it finished! That is, unless I decide to also make some more ginger snaps, which I more than likely will. Heh.

I feel better - my neighbour is going to feed and look after water, we got hay in 2 days ago - four tons of it which I personally loaded into the hay storage shed while the boys shuttled loads from our neighbour's house where we had unloaded it earlier (cuz our place is just too damned difficult to get in to with a loaded trailer of hay.

Hopefully all will go well while we're away - it should do.

Had an absolute blast at the Corb Lund show last night. Soooooo much fun. I wish we didn't have to leave home to hit the coast for Christmas but we do and I know we'll have fun, hopefully we'll be able to hook up with some friends this time, too... *sigh* Maybe extend a day? Dunno. At any rate, we're leaving tomorow and I still have so much to do.

Things are still going better with Matthew and I - you know the old saying "communication and compromise makes a good marraige"? Well maybe it's not an old saying, but damn it's true. You hear those things and hear them but when they finally sink in it's a major Blinding Flash of the Obvious. I now know that I need to be very clear in what my needs are and when I can do that - Matthew will come through for me and I fall deeper and deeper in love with him. I think he even notices the difference in us when he's making that effort.

Another BFO: I like to be coaxed and drawn out of my grumpy introversions and he likes to be left alone - that's why he leaves high and dry be and I pester and annoy him. Cool to know that, now I can be more of what he needs me to be more of the time. Very cool.

Welp... time to get cracking on this last day at home before the long drive to the coast. *yawn* but maybe I'll have a little nap, first.

A good day following a few good days. Continuing to do my morning pages has eased the stranglehold that my worries had on me. Talking to Matthew helped a lot, too... he has been trying so hard and doing all the right things. I am so in love with the man again. Isn't it fascinating how a few days and a few actions can change *everything*?

I want to make babies with this man. It's been a long time since I felt that way!

*whee!*

So today I rediscovered that morning pages, playing with horses, and talking to my husband are all good things for me to do to get out of the rut that I was in. It didn't look like the day was going to start off well at all... I woke up at 6am and couldn't get another man out of my head. BAd news. Obsessive news. So I finally got up at 7 and started writing morning pages. Morning pages good. Deciding to play with horses GOODER! Went to Carolyn's and played with her horse and with Titan. fun stuff. It's more fun for me to play with my horses now, though... cuz I know what we're working on. I have no clue where they're at so it makes it more difficult to be provocative and challenging enough vs. friendly enough etc. Have to learn to read the horse MORE!

I digress...

Things aren't as dire as I last wrote, but they can shift at any moment... How will we get through this? Will we get through it? Who knows?! I'll try to enjoy the ride. Honestly.

Meeting with Community Futures tomorrow... then hopefully a signing the day afterwards. OMG. I FRICKIN' HOPE SO!@!!#&!#)_!&@# Keep all your bits crossed for me.

Apologies for the previous two days worth of drama.

UP down up down up. DOWN~! On the fascinating rollercoaster of life. F*CK!!! You don't think I'm worth it. FUck you and the fucking slimy camel toad you rode in on. I AM FUCKING WORTH IT ASSHOLE@! Just. Fucking. TRY!!!!!!

I hate my life at this moment. Strangely enough, just hours ago it was okay... but mere hours before that it was not. Fuck off with the roller coaster already.

Maybe I should just be single. Wouldn't that be fun? Is that why I'm not? Fear? Maybe. That's the payoff for staying in this relationship, I don't have to deal with the fear.

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting a different result.

Depression sets in. Apathy. My house has never been messier and I barely care. I don't care enough to do anything about it, anyway. When I'm in a relationship and I'm not feeling loved and appreciated, I just don't care about anything. It's called "not having my needs met". But is there anyone in the world who *could* meet them? Am I asking too much? *heartbreak* *heartache* They're barely there. I block them out so successfully most of the time that I don't feel anything at all. When I do start to feel them again, it's for a fitful moment or two of tears, sobs wrack my body and then I suck it back down and block it. It'll blow one day. It'll blow but good.

The worst part is that i realize that i have to get to this state for him to even notice that something is wrong. I tell him my needs but he does not want to provide them. Not even a little. I think it's because I challenge him too much. His self esteem isn't enough to bear up under me wanting more or something different from him. It makes him wrong. It's always about how I make him wrong. I don't want him to be wrong, that's why I'm trying to show him what I need, but it doesn't seem to get through in a positive way.

Why even bother thinking about it. Writing about it. It's just going to happen again, isn't it. Not a question. Statement. End of sentence. End of blog entry.

Things got better the next morning, as I thought they might, but it's getting harder and harder for me to feel like I'm loved. And I can't have sex with someone who I think doesn't love me, or make any effort to give me what *I* need. I'm trying my pants off, but it feels like he's punishing me or holding out on me, or just plain being selfish most of the time. No help with dishes... or cleaning up the house, his self-chosen duty of firewood doesn't get done... and I get berated for "doing too much" but if I mess up with something and don't let him know he gets cold with me. I just don't know what to think. I feel like I have a child and I don't WANT him as my child because that's just not sexy AT FUCKING ALL. *sigh*

I feel like he wants a 'dutiful wife' who will sleep with him, cook and clean for him AND go out and make more money than he does. I'm not that. I don't ever want to be that. I want to be a partner who is cared for and cares back. Nurture ME GODDAMMIT.

I'm frustrated and just can't figure this out on my own.

So this morning I'm not sure what is going on. Last night I made dinner, lemon squares and then finished the Elderberry Jelly. When I asked Matthew to help me with the dishes he was very mad at me for doing too much. But not for my sake, more for his sake. "I need time to relax when I get home, instead there's always a created mess". I asked him about what it would be like if he lived on his own, "Well, my mess would be all of my own creation and I could clean it up and it would stay clean as long as I kept it that way". He said that he doesn't appreciate what I do nor think that it's necessary at all. I was very hurt by this and told him so. He said that he didn't know what to say to that. I fumed and thought and wondered and cried a bit and then had a bath. I was still mad when he asked me through the door, "Can I ask you what you're thinking?" I said, "I'm thinking about how much I hate you right now" He left the house and went and sat outside in his new car shelter. When I went to talk to him I apologized for saying that I hated him, cuz I don't. I told him I was just very upset at the time. He said it didn't matter. He then told me that he has basically given up on our marriage. He can see where he will be in 5 years, but he can't see where I'm headed. This seems funny to me since he's changed careers a few times over the last three years and I have been constant to one. He wants things to be different than they are ALL the TIME. He's never satisfied with the way life is. Maybe he's right and our marriage is over. Whatever that means, I will have to live with it. I wonder where his head is at this morning?

Me, I'm stil married, and trying, despite what he said about neither of us being willing to try. I wonder what is really at the root of last night? I am getting a bit tired trying to figure it all out, but marriage is work. LIFE is work, but just CHOOSE to take joy in the work and it changes how you feel about it. At least it did for me... *sigh*

Tried enabling comments instead of the guestbook... did it work?