Been a while since I posted. Again. Matthew is away at school learning to Timberframe, but he has come home a few times to visit - both times he surprised me. He doesn't know it yet but I'm painting him a picture for Valentine's Day. Heee. He doesn't read this, so I've no fear that he'll find out before he gets it. It's a watercolour (terrible one - I'm not skilled at watercolour!) of some timberframe braces and joints. I think he'll like it. We'll see. I'm going to frame it up and mail it to him at school, I think. Maybe I'll wait till the 15th, cuz he's coming home that weekend. Dunno for sure, yet.

It's likely that I have to work tomorrow, though I don't know for sure. Better call Troy.

I'm really ready for winter to be over. I look at all the snow outside and I can't believe it'll ever be warm enough to have green grass, sunny skies, and swimming in the lake! 'Course, once that time comes, I won't be able to imagine snow covering everything.

Back from holidays and recovering from visiting the family all over the place in the Lower Mainland. I've ridden to get the mail twice this week... Maya not so sure about me being the boss all the time, though she's getting more accepting - especially since I stick to it and don't give up. I think she must have had her way most of the time in previous relationships with humans. She did with me, at first! Now I mostly get my way with a few small lapses.

I'm reading "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus." From my side of things it's surprisingly accurate. Matthew says he wants to read it, too... but he hasn't started, yet. :-/ I'm trying to apply some of the things that I've learned, and not too surprisingly, it seems to work.

Things are strange in website land.... epona.com is down - and so is binarywisdom.net - Leanne? Adam? What does this mean? I'd best email those two and find out if they're okay. /me crosses everything she has for luck.

My lower back is truly bothering me today, probably from riding yesterday and then doing yoga when I haven't done any serious yoga in a while. I don't usually have lower back pain, mid back, yes...but not lower. So today I just went and hung out in the paddock with the girls - no ride with a sore back. Matthew put a chinese medicine patch on it for me - hopefully it gets better with some rest and gentle stretching.

Meh. Boring entry. I've been feeling strangely ill lately because our schedule is all messed up and I don't eat/drink regularly. When I get dehydrated I start to feel ill - then I don't want to have anything to drink, even though I know that when I do I will feel better. I do drink water at these times, even though ingesting anything is about the last thing that I want to do.

No. I'm not pregnant. Just dehydrated!

Missed seeing Kim and Ed in Vancouverland over the past week... no answer on the phone! Evil phone! Ah well... *hugs* to them anyway! We WILL hook up at some point. Having no access to internet while I was in most places in Van made it hard to get in touch with them.

Off I go to move the dishwasher and watch Parelli DVDs. w00t!

A crazy few days in a good way. Lots of working on the place, getting my shelves set up in the studio room, cleaning, the never-ending cleaning.... *sigh* and the Christmas baking. I'm almost all done with that --- doing butter tarts today and then I can call it finished! That is, unless I decide to also make some more ginger snaps, which I more than likely will. Heh.

I feel better - my neighbour is going to feed and look after water, we got hay in 2 days ago - four tons of it which I personally loaded into the hay storage shed while the boys shuttled loads from our neighbour's house where we had unloaded it earlier (cuz our place is just too damned difficult to get in to with a loaded trailer of hay.

Hopefully all will go well while we're away - it should do.

Had an absolute blast at the Corb Lund show last night. Soooooo much fun. I wish we didn't have to leave home to hit the coast for Christmas but we do and I know we'll have fun, hopefully we'll be able to hook up with some friends this time, too... *sigh* Maybe extend a day? Dunno. At any rate, we're leaving tomorow and I still have so much to do.

Things are still going better with Matthew and I - you know the old saying "communication and compromise makes a good marraige"? Well maybe it's not an old saying, but damn it's true. You hear those things and hear them but when they finally sink in it's a major Blinding Flash of the Obvious. I now know that I need to be very clear in what my needs are and when I can do that - Matthew will come through for me and I fall deeper and deeper in love with him. I think he even notices the difference in us when he's making that effort.

Another BFO: I like to be coaxed and drawn out of my grumpy introversions and he likes to be left alone - that's why he leaves high and dry be and I pester and annoy him. Cool to know that, now I can be more of what he needs me to be more of the time. Very cool.

Welp... time to get cracking on this last day at home before the long drive to the coast. *yawn* but maybe I'll have a little nap, first.

A good day following a few good days. Continuing to do my morning pages has eased the stranglehold that my worries had on me. Talking to Matthew helped a lot, too... he has been trying so hard and doing all the right things. I am so in love with the man again. Isn't it fascinating how a few days and a few actions can change *everything*?

I want to make babies with this man. It's been a long time since I felt that way!

*whee!*

So today I rediscovered that morning pages, playing with horses, and talking to my husband are all good things for me to do to get out of the rut that I was in. It didn't look like the day was going to start off well at all... I woke up at 6am and couldn't get another man out of my head. BAd news. Obsessive news. So I finally got up at 7 and started writing morning pages. Morning pages good. Deciding to play with horses GOODER! Went to Carolyn's and played with her horse and with Titan. fun stuff. It's more fun for me to play with my horses now, though... cuz I know what we're working on. I have no clue where they're at so it makes it more difficult to be provocative and challenging enough vs. friendly enough etc. Have to learn to read the horse MORE!

I digress...

Things aren't as dire as I last wrote, but they can shift at any moment... How will we get through this? Will we get through it? Who knows?! I'll try to enjoy the ride. Honestly.

Meeting with Community Futures tomorrow... then hopefully a signing the day afterwards. OMG. I FRICKIN' HOPE SO!@!!#&!#)_!&@# Keep all your bits crossed for me.

Apologies for the previous two days worth of drama.

UP down up down up. DOWN~! On the fascinating rollercoaster of life. F*CK!!! You don't think I'm worth it. FUck you and the fucking slimy camel toad you rode in on. I AM FUCKING WORTH IT ASSHOLE@! Just. Fucking. TRY!!!!!!

I hate my life at this moment. Strangely enough, just hours ago it was okay... but mere hours before that it was not. Fuck off with the roller coaster already.

Maybe I should just be single. Wouldn't that be fun? Is that why I'm not? Fear? Maybe. That's the payoff for staying in this relationship, I don't have to deal with the fear.

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting a different result.

Depression sets in. Apathy. My house has never been messier and I barely care. I don't care enough to do anything about it, anyway. When I'm in a relationship and I'm not feeling loved and appreciated, I just don't care about anything. It's called "not having my needs met". But is there anyone in the world who *could* meet them? Am I asking too much? *heartbreak* *heartache* They're barely there. I block them out so successfully most of the time that I don't feel anything at all. When I do start to feel them again, it's for a fitful moment or two of tears, sobs wrack my body and then I suck it back down and block it. It'll blow one day. It'll blow but good.

The worst part is that i realize that i have to get to this state for him to even notice that something is wrong. I tell him my needs but he does not want to provide them. Not even a little. I think it's because I challenge him too much. His self esteem isn't enough to bear up under me wanting more or something different from him. It makes him wrong. It's always about how I make him wrong. I don't want him to be wrong, that's why I'm trying to show him what I need, but it doesn't seem to get through in a positive way.

Why even bother thinking about it. Writing about it. It's just going to happen again, isn't it. Not a question. Statement. End of sentence. End of blog entry.

Things got better the next morning, as I thought they might, but it's getting harder and harder for me to feel like I'm loved. And I can't have sex with someone who I think doesn't love me, or make any effort to give me what *I* need. I'm trying my pants off, but it feels like he's punishing me or holding out on me, or just plain being selfish most of the time. No help with dishes... or cleaning up the house, his self-chosen duty of firewood doesn't get done... and I get berated for "doing too much" but if I mess up with something and don't let him know he gets cold with me. I just don't know what to think. I feel like I have a child and I don't WANT him as my child because that's just not sexy AT FUCKING ALL. *sigh*

I feel like he wants a 'dutiful wife' who will sleep with him, cook and clean for him AND go out and make more money than he does. I'm not that. I don't ever want to be that. I want to be a partner who is cared for and cares back. Nurture ME GODDAMMIT.

I'm frustrated and just can't figure this out on my own.

So this morning I'm not sure what is going on. Last night I made dinner, lemon squares and then finished the Elderberry Jelly. When I asked Matthew to help me with the dishes he was very mad at me for doing too much. But not for my sake, more for his sake. "I need time to relax when I get home, instead there's always a created mess". I asked him about what it would be like if he lived on his own, "Well, my mess would be all of my own creation and I could clean it up and it would stay clean as long as I kept it that way". He said that he doesn't appreciate what I do nor think that it's necessary at all. I was very hurt by this and told him so. He said that he didn't know what to say to that. I fumed and thought and wondered and cried a bit and then had a bath. I was still mad when he asked me through the door, "Can I ask you what you're thinking?" I said, "I'm thinking about how much I hate you right now" He left the house and went and sat outside in his new car shelter. When I went to talk to him I apologized for saying that I hated him, cuz I don't. I told him I was just very upset at the time. He said it didn't matter. He then told me that he has basically given up on our marriage. He can see where he will be in 5 years, but he can't see where I'm headed. This seems funny to me since he's changed careers a few times over the last three years and I have been constant to one. He wants things to be different than they are ALL the TIME. He's never satisfied with the way life is. Maybe he's right and our marriage is over. Whatever that means, I will have to live with it. I wonder where his head is at this morning?

Me, I'm stil married, and trying, despite what he said about neither of us being willing to try. I wonder what is really at the root of last night? I am getting a bit tired trying to figure it all out, but marriage is work. LIFE is work, but just CHOOSE to take joy in the work and it changes how you feel about it. At least it did for me... *sigh*

Tried enabling comments instead of the guestbook... did it work?

Working today on my business plan and website. Nothing new posted yet.. it's still in development ferchrissakes. It was hard to get back into html after years away from it. :-/ I don't WANT to back into it... that's probably why it was so difficult... but it's coming back to me (dammit) so at least I can save myself some money by doing it myself (yay?).

Wish I'd gone riding instead, but at least I did yesterday.... Maya my horse! Welp. I should get out of my pjs cuz I've been working in them all day! The glories of working from home, eh?


woot.

If anyone's still reading after all this time, drop me a line. I'd love to know.

Been home now since mid-August and I've mainly been playing with horses and working on our relationship issues. (not to mention causing a few more along the way!) We'll get through it. One way or the other, though I want desperately to be strong and stay together. Who knows if I can change my view of marriage from one of "one foot out the door" to "all in all the time"? I'm working on it. I think it's key.

Aside from the relationship issues that wax and wane, I've been playing with and riding my horse Maya. We're learning more and more about Parelli toether from our instructor. I'm so lucky to have her in the area and have her willing to let me work for clinic/study group participation. So far I'm getting the better end of the deal, but I have a few ideas of how to even things up and pay her back for all of the knowledge and help she's provided.

This month is dedicated to beginning Start Smart - a local Community Futures program that has me writing my business plan in 7 weeks with support, business courses and action plans. All things I need to motivate me. Though here I am sitting at my computer and not working on that!! It officially begins tomorrow, so that's my excuse. Pottery business, hopefully, here I come. I wonder what I will have to change in my way of thinking about this to get it done? We'll see.

Still... time to get off my butt and head to town - or is it? I think the chickens can wait until Monday for food. Then Matthew and I can go shopping together.

Too haircut for ya? Well... I do need one.

What a long summer job. Only a few more weeks to go and I've alrady survived hell... so it shouldn't be TOO bad. Then I can say "I've done it!" and go home to EI, a loving husband, building a pottery business and a new horse, and never have to do this again! What an adventure this summer has been. I now know that I can work for 16 hours a day (or more) on 5 or 6 hours of sleep per night. Amazing. I think planting, though physically and mentally challenging, might be a bit better of a job than mine was this summmer. But maybe not. I hope I can just make a go of pottery and not have to work outside jobs for a while, but we shall see, won't we?

Anyway... time to run laundry to do on these precious days off.

I leave on Friday, that's five days from now. In between now and then, I will speak on behalf of the third year Grads at the Kootenay Gallery Springboard Opening on Thursday night, attend a couple of pot lucks, sand, price and display my work for the year end show at the school and get my horses' feet trimmed... not to mention buying a few more necessary things for the trip, putting a canopy on my truck (which is running MUCH better thanks to the timing and carb work of my friend Dan!) and calling Tracy and then packing for the trip!!!

I'm confident in the truck, now. Really it just leaks a few fluids here and there, and those I can top up as necessary. Replaced the two frayed looking alternator belts today and I feel good about the trip... damn but I'll miss my horses, my home and my friends... hopefully I'll even miss my husband.

Well... I did what I said I should do and said "NO MORE!", and yet my heart still breaks. I think it will break for a while. I need it to break, to stay strong. How strange that is. I'm scared that I won't be strong... but if I *am*... just think of the breakthrough! I leave town next Friday and the temptation will stay behind. Then my heart can well and truly break... and maybe I will be able to let myself heal and be strong. Right now I just want to cry out and run to his arms... the person I've been craving that isn't my husband. But that would be playing right into my pattern's designs. NO MORE! Can you tell I'm not convinced? Well.. it's cuz I'm not. I feel so incredibly weak, but I must try to be strong. I'll read some Pema Chodron tonight... she always helps me to see things in a new way.

Heart... stop trying to destroy me!

So.... falling off the wagon, so to speak. Heart breaking itself over it's own stupidity. Let go. Say "NO MORE!! I'm done!!" I will not fall into that trap AGAIN. I will not. I should just read my last post and FEEL the strength that I had there, take a stand for your own happiness. YOU CAN DO IT!

My self pep-talk online version 222.7. I sure do need a LOT of these things. I'll just have to keep giving them to myself until I listen and take heed..

What strength lies in the heart? In her fear there is strength. When I get to that place where nothing seems to make sense, and the world is against me and why bother... you know... that place? That's the place that I begin to have hope again.... because I've learned over the years that when I go there and let myself really go there, that I come out on the other side a wiser, calmer, stronger person.

What do I mean? Well... in this case I know that I need to be stronger for myself. I need to stop using what other people think of me to make me feel better or worse about myself... sure it can help at times, but to rely on it as I have done most of my life... not so much the good. I need to stand and be strong, resist the urges that I have to stray from my relationship, no matter how unhappy I am in it. I have to be strong for ME. Not for my marriage, so much as for myself. Because my pattern in the past has almost always been to ditch the current boy by finding a new and improved different boy. A "knight in shining armour". Well... there is no "knight in shining armour". There is only me. And that's glorious. All I've ever done by repeating this pattern is lose out on a whole whack of personal growth and development time.

Hell... it's not "THE" answer, but it's something. It's an answer of sorts... and now there are more questions to ask... like - do I want to be married? Do I want to be single? These are things to figure out in the next four months away from home and then come home and deal with the decisions. Or not. Maybe I should just leave well enough alone? Wait, Heather... wait and see.

How do I say what I need to say? How do I KNOW what I need to say? How do I know what is wrong with me? How do I fix it? Help. Oh. Help.

Feeling under the weather just slightly... a slight chest cough - I hope it doesn't escalate. Feeling confused as ever, holding on to two ideas instead of letting go of one and focusing on the other... it's really diffucult to live this way. There is no hope in one direction and less in the other. Especially if the truth of how I've been feeling comes out... will it? Should it? Am I evil? I feel evil, but not in the good way.

If we are not for ourselves, who will be for us?
If we are only for ourselves, what are we?
If not now, when?

-Rabbi Hillel. 2000BCE

Hold me closely, tuck your head in to my shoulder, put your face in my hair and breathe in the scent of me. There is so much more I want to know about you, so much more that I want to share with you, and yet, it seems, it cannot be. A fond memory, your touch. A precious dream, your head upon my chest. So close. Asleep. Spoon. There is much that you can learn from me, and I from you, but there is much more that we need to learn on our own. How to be strong? How to be confident in our choices? Which is the choice that I need to be confident in? The one I made years ago, or the one I see before me, now?

Who are you? Who am I to ask these questions? Where do we go from here?