How do I say what I need to say? How do I KNOW what I need to say? How do I know what is wrong with me? How do I fix it? Help. Oh. Help.

Feeling under the weather just slightly... a slight chest cough - I hope it doesn't escalate. Feeling confused as ever, holding on to two ideas instead of letting go of one and focusing on the other... it's really diffucult to live this way. There is no hope in one direction and less in the other. Especially if the truth of how I've been feeling comes out... will it? Should it? Am I evil? I feel evil, but not in the good way.

If we are not for ourselves, who will be for us?
If we are only for ourselves, what are we?
If not now, when?

-Rabbi Hillel. 2000BCE

Hold me closely, tuck your head in to my shoulder, put your face in my hair and breathe in the scent of me. There is so much more I want to know about you, so much more that I want to share with you, and yet, it seems, it cannot be. A fond memory, your touch. A precious dream, your head upon my chest. So close. Asleep. Spoon. There is much that you can learn from me, and I from you, but there is much more that we need to learn on our own. How to be strong? How to be confident in our choices? Which is the choice that I need to be confident in? The one I made years ago, or the one I see before me, now?

Who are you? Who am I to ask these questions? Where do we go from here?

It sure is funny how day to day things can change. Had another emotional roller coaster of a day today... and I'm not sure it will change once I go home. I plan to talk more to the hubby today about what I've been feeling and doing since we met, basically... and through no fault of his own, we may not make it. Was I ever committed to this marriage? Ever really committed? I'm not sure. Can I become committed to it? Doesn't seem like it, but I just don't know. I do know that I have to 'fess up and get talking or it'll just fester inside of me. Emotions. They're kind of like pus. The more you hold them inside, the more they multiply and infect everything that is you.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder and the head grow clearer. Sometimes. Meditation helps in that regard, too. I still wonder what it is I am meant to be doing with my life and whom I should be doing it with... but for the moment the sense of despair is gone. I wonder what today will hold... and my brain does fantasize endlessly about the possibilities.

I know that today holds designing and building a couple of projects that will be due when we return from Portland in March, and finding some more no-craze liner glazes to dip and try... it also holds cleaning the gunk out of the spray booth, and going to yoga class. Busy already - I'd better get started!

Nike has the best slogan, even if I don't like the company. Just do it. Ok! Bye!

What is it I am searching for that I have not yet found within myself? Why do I crave something that I should not crave, that I could not fully have even if I was supposed to want it? What is wrong with me that I dwell on this percieved lack of love in my life? I search for it everywhere except where I can find it? I discard it where it lives? Do I? I'm confused. Hurting. Horrible.

How can I stop thinking so much?

Make no sudden assumptions based upon my blog yesterday... things continuously change and ebb and flow. My brain continues to think too much. Analyze this. Analyze that. I think it will take a while, if ever, for Matthew's efforts to make a lasting impact on me. It will take a while for me to trust feeling loved. I have hope, and I have despair. I have love and lust and every other emotion under the moon moving through me, taking over, waxing and waning. Perhaps my mother knows me best after all? I search for love in all the wrong places, my desperation must certainly be a turn off as I become grotesque with longing. Until I can consistently satisfy my own desire to be loved and love myself completely... how can I expect anyone else to love me? How can I even know HOW to love another person? It must start with me. How do I break this cycle?

The questions and the thinking continue... argh.

The thinking continues... thinking too much about everything. I live in my brain, these days, except for those rare moments on the wheel or when I'm meditating when I can celebrate my own awareness. Talking about what's in my head helps me to get it out. Talking about it with the people that it involves helps the most. I wonder where I'll be in a year's time... I have plans, certainly... don't we all? I envision having spent the winter in a my new studio working on pottery after a summer of hard work in a tree planting camp as assistant cook, and a fall spent playing with horses and studying natural horsemanship, possibly buying a truck of my own... who knows, really? Will Matthew and I still be together? I'm ready for it to end. Harsh, I guess, but really I've been walking on eggshells for so long that I just can't bring myself to give anymore. When things are good, as they so rarely can be, I don't trust it enough to enjoy it at all. He's making an effort, but for me it seems too little, too late - I hope his efforts will pay off for him, though, so he can enjoy a longer-lasting relationship, and the intimacy that should come with it.

I have debts to pay and logistics to figure out. What do I want in my life? What will give me the most satisfaction and keep me present and aware? Meditation can help with that, but I think that living a life you don't really want hinders awareness more than anything else. We live in a society of fear and escape. We are slaves to the reality that we've created for ourselves, that we've let others create for us. I want to discover true reality and live a life of joy and purpose. It's hard to override both my biological and my conditioned responses to things so that I can be aware and not entraped by behavioural conditioning. Especially the biologically conditioned ones! Yikes. Solace in the arms of another man... that was putting it delicately, thanks Mom. It's true, that is my normal course of action. It's what I know how to do. How do I step outside of that realm of created reality and be strong enough for myself in the true reality? What is the true reality?

Now my brain is going into logistics mode, so I won't bore you with those details. I doubt anyone actually reads this anymore, anyway... it's been so long.

MEME:

Four jobs you have had in your life:

1. Shoe Salesperson
2. Remote Systems Administrator
3. Pizza Chef
4. Electrical Wiring Harness Builder

Four movies you would watch over and over again:

1. Office Space
2. Moulin Rouge
3. The Black Stallion
4. Any Cohen Brothers film

Four places you have lived:

1. Delta, BC
2. North Vancouver, BC
3. Nelson, BC
4. Maple Ridge, BC

Four T.V. shows you love to watch:

1. Nature
2. The Rick Mercer Report
3. This Hour has 22 minutes
4. CSI

Four places you have been on vacation:

1. Jamaica
2. Victoria, BC
3. The Kootenays
4. California

Four web-sites I visit daily:

1. Parelli Natural Horsemanship
2. Delicious Juice
3. yahoo mail
4.

Four of my favorite foods:

1. Japanese
2. Thai
3. Indian
4. Home Cookin' (by me or my mom)

Four places I'd rather be right now:

1. Florida at the Parelli Centre
2. Home playing with my horses
3. Here at school. =)
4. Camping

Four bloggers I am tagging:
Everyone's done it already... any strangers out there wanna go?

Sleepy. At school. Listening to somafm.com "groove salad". Threw 8 plates today. Ready to trim 3 large ones that I threw yesterday... but they might wait until tomorrow. I plan to go to yoga (first time) tonight and then on to the Commanding Officer's Parade of the 561 Air Cadets Squadron afterwards... I've been on two exercises with them - one just this past weekend - and I haven't seen them parade except for on Rememberance Day - which really wasn't a parade. It's going to be a long day - but no class until tomrrow afternoon and I have Saturday to trim and make things for Monday. I think *think* I'm finally back into the working groove at school. Sure took me a while this time around. Mehp.

Hum.

It's trying hard to snow outside, but it's really just more like 'chunky' rain. At home it's probably snowing and sticking...

Haircut blog? Yuh-hup.

We're almost at another Christmas - been a while. I've been busy, too busy to post, really. What with working full time, riding and playing with horses in my time off during the summer, and now the last four months back at school... there's been a lot going on.

I'm exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I have been sick for about 3 weeks - I got over one cold just to be thrown headlong into something else. Wicked cough. Dead tired. And family is coming for Christmas. I'm happy about that, though I never EVER feel as though I've had enough time to organize anything, this year more than ever. We're having Matthew's family up for Christmas. They arrive this evening. I'm half done baking (if that), half done cleaning (maybe a little better than half) and too tired to care at this point. We still have to grocery shop. Erp. They will be here for four hectic days and then I can sleep, play with horses and draw. That's about IT, I think.

I'd better get back to it... don't know why I decided to post.. just thought it was long overdue.

Short version of what's been going on since my last post:
Horses = Parelli = playing with Bailey at Level 1, starting Level 2. Built pen on property with shelter (Matthew did it)
Pottery = found my voice, making horse decorated pots.
Marriage = more work than ever, but it's worth it.
House = still in the same place, now improved with wood shed and horse pen/shelter.
Summer job next year? Maybe assistant cook at tree planting camp. Boy will I miss hearth, home, husband and horses. :-/

The Master Cleanse is long over - I lasted 6 days.

For now... I stole this from Ali who stole it from Christy:

WHAT DO YOU CALL:

1. A body of water, smaller than a river, contained within relatively narrow banks? stream
2. What the thing you push around the grocery store is called? shopping cart
3. A metal container to carry a meal in? lunch box
4. The thing that you cook bacon and eggs in? frying pan
5. The piece of furniture that seats three people? chesterfield
6. The device on the outside of the house that carries rain off the roof? gutter
7. The covered area outside a house where people sit in the evening? porch
8. Carbonated, sweetened, non-alcoholic beverages? pop
9. A flat, round breakfast food served with syrup? pancake
10. A long sandwich designed to be a whole meal in itself? sub
11. The piece of clothing worn by men at the beach? trunks
12. Shoes worn for sports? running shoes
13. Putting a room in order? tidying up
14. A flying insect that glows in the dark? firefly
15. The little insect that curls up into a ball? pill bug
16. The children's playground equipment where one kid sits on one side and goes up while the other sits on the other side and goes down? teeter-totter
17. How do you eat your pizza? From tip to crust, leaving the crust to either be enjoyed or discarded (depends on the pizza place)
18. What's it called when private citizens put up signs and sell their used stuff? garage or yard sale
19. What's the evening meal? supper or dinner
20. The thing under a house where the furnace and perhaps a rec room are? basement
21. What do you call the thing that you can get water out of to drink in public places? water fountain


Yeah.. so that's it. Things are going great, excpet I've somehow lost the way to publish my other blog.. so for now this will have to do. =) I'm done school for the year, started working at Pacific Insight today. They build wiring harness and modules for automotive and marine applications. I'm going to be working in "wireland" - making wiring harnesses. Made three different types today - and will be learning a lot more stuff soon. It's fun, if repetetive and the people seem nice for the most part. I don't mind not having much of a social life or whatever while there... since I have things to read and ponder during the short breaks that we have, anyway.

I have to make some sandwiches for tomorrow. PB and Banana for me! Whee! Dunno what Matthew wants. We'll see. Other than that, I'm doing Parelli natural horsemanship with my horse and it ROCKS! I'm learning so much... and have SO MUCH more to learn yet! Wheeeee! Time to make some money so's I can afford her and the lessons that I'd like to take! And the physio for the broken finger I got in March while leading her. Argh. Kind of ruind my year end, but then it did give me lots of time to think about my pots and what direction I'd like them to go in next year. Very important stuff. Thinking. =)

But for now it's off to bed, I worked 8 hours and then worked about 4 more helping to put up a fence. So now it's time to snoozle.

Nighty night.

I began something called the "Master Cleanse" today and I feel like shite. Most of the day was fine, but now I'm tired, headachey, hungry, weak, dizzy. Yay. The good news is, it's supposed to get better after a while and all this suffering is due to the toxins that have yet to be purged from my body. That and only drinking lemonade sweetened with maple syrup and spiked with cayenne pepper. Ugh. This laxative tea tastes NASTY. Hope it works better than the brand I tried yesterday. TMFI? TFB. (too fucking bad) It's my journal and I'll post about nasty clenases if I wanna. For now, I'm going to suck down this tea and go to bed. I hope it stays down. Ugh. This had better get better and make me better, too. The upside is, I haven't had any stuffed up nose today - maybe I have food allergies (like to milk the mucous maker?) that I wasn't completely aware of. Hm.

Long time no post.

In the last few months, I've been in school... we're nearing the semester break, now - and looking forward to it. Somehow I don't have any work to sell at the Christmas show. I don't even have any work to give to people for Christmas. It's not that I've been slacking, exactly.... it's just that I don't like any of it, yet. Tomorrow will be a big glaze night. I have to work out one glaze combo and try some new things, too. It's frustrating. I find that I have to spend too much time at the studio to get my work done... and I don't get enough time for other things in my life like M. and my family. When I take time out to be with them, then I lost out at the studio. Meh.

Making art makes me think about the world. Who am I? Where do I fit in this world? DO I fit in this world? What do I want to say about this world? So many questions. One of the things that it has made me think, more and more, that the entire 'partisan' system that we live under... politically and otherwise... really isn't working all that well. I don't know what the answer is, but getting rid of 'special interest groups' seems like a good idea to me.

Doesn't everyone realize that we're ALL connected? We're all in this together? We are the world? I'm sure that fighting for women's rights (for example) is a "Good Thing" or whatever... but every time I hear a woman on the radio complaining and whining about what men do and how horribly men have treated women and blah blah blah i just get irate. With that kind of attitude, of course you're going to be victimized, because you are SURE that men are going to vicitmize you. Why can't women and men work together? (and while we're on the subject, why can't my left-hand shift key work properly/?/// - grah!!) Why can't we just ALL work together to make the world better for everyone? Not just for women or the homeless or blacks or jews or immigrants etc ad. infinitum... but for all of us.

Help each other, people. That's why we're here.

How do you feel when you have a couple of web journals and your Mom reads one but not the other because you haven't let her know that the other one exists? Because if she read the other, she'd disown you? Hell, she gets mad enough at you for stuff you say in the one she DOES read... Arargh. Hi, I'm 32 and I'm not supposed to feel this way anymore. Nice to meet you.

I wonder if the feeling ever goes away while your parents are still alive. I wonder if I'm supposed to put a question mark after that sentence. Or that one. (ad infinitum) I'm thinking that I'm not supposed to because the noun in the sentence is performing the verb"wonder". It's a statement of wonder.

OOoo! I like that phrase, alot. "A statement of wonder".

Welcome to my extreme tangent blog.

Still... it's a dilemma. How can I feel fully expressed when I'm not? I'm repressed... but then again, who isn't? Marilyn Manson, probably... What would my parents think if I were making a living the way he is? Expressing myself fully? Is that who celebrities are to us? Are they people who express themselves fully? What would my parents think about me writing even this small drop of my internal struggle and posting it for "anyone to see"?

Is this how it is to be in the world? I'm not saying that we shouldn't have a private life and a public life... there are some things that I would probably not express to anyone. But what about those things deemed "inappropriate" by my parents? What about the things that I want to share but don't because of how I imagine they would judge me? Why can't I let my parents know the me that everyone else knows?

And why do my mom's conversations about nothing bother me SO. VERY. MUCH???!?! Is it because I feel that they are not important enough to listen to because I'm not important enough to them to be "who I am" with them and not have them leave me? Or am I just maladjusted and unable to accept the "fact" that we do have to live our lives as different people. Everyone we interact with has a different experience of who we are because thier perception of us is unique to them... nobody has the same experience and memories of us that anyone else has.

BUT

Does this mean that I should be consiously and unconsciously trying to live up to the expectation of who I am that I perceive every other person has of me? Should I play into those molds? This is what we humans seem to do with each other. Find a place where we 'fit' and stay right there. I think we need it as people, but I don't know if the instinct doesn't just rear up it's head and some of the most inappropriate times, causing us undue feelings of distress and worry about the state and workings of our relationships and the discovery of Who We Are.

Intense intimate explorations of my soul or wild flailings of a drugged mind?

So the money problems are nearing an end... thank goodness for an understanding personal banker and debt consolidation loans. Whew! I'll get this fixed up real good for a low monthly rate. I figure I'll save a few thousand dollars in interest while I'm saving a few hundred dollars a month! I'm going to make that personal banker lady something nice in clay. A vase. I will be all about the amazing vases this year. My hairdresser, vet and boss(es) deserve one, too.

At any rate, life goes on, the stresses of money problems wreaked havoc on M. and I's relationship. Money is "Teh Evil" and I don't like it, except for what it can BUY ME. Not to mention horses cost a lot to keep... and I want one (at least) of those, too. It also helped to day as I chopped off the remains of my mullet and have almost got something in the way of stylish hair adorning the top of my head.

Little Bear is getting carsick these days. We're going to try taking him on short jaunts up the driveway and back, and also taking him in the car, but not putting him in his crate. Maybe if he can see/have the wind in his face, he might be okay. We'll see.

I'm tired. Bed. Sleep. More someday.

Does anyone have $20k they don't need and could donate to a good cause? Me? K. Thanks. Or even loan at a low rate of interest? I kept living the high life after I left McKesson... you know, doing things like eating, keeping a roof over my head... that sort of thing. And now my credit cards are scaring me. I should have thought about this before I spent the money, but it will all work out somehow.

Marriage. Something I said I wanted, but wasn't really sure I wanted. Now I know. I am happy I got married to Matthew on Monday. The day was beautiful, though the weather was a bit cloudy, it didn't rain on us and the sun peeked out a few times during the photographs. I was so relaxed it was unbelievable. It probably helped that we had such a small, intimate wedding with just our parents in attendance... and I had gotten all my jitters and nerves out a few nights before the wedding in a stressed-out crying jag. ;-)

We had an incredible dinner at the All Season Cafe and then went to see Luther Wright and the Wrongs at the Fluid Lounge. Just a totally fantastic day.

I got the pictures back from developing today and there are so many happy ones. I wish I looked a bit younger and a bit slimmer, but all in all I think we look great. I'm going to get some of them put on CD and when I do that I may be able to find a place to post some. We'll see.

For now... I'm looking forward to the weekend in Vancouver, staying with my brother and his lovely partner, seeing the family and friends that we've invited to the reception, plus hopefully getting to a few stores (MEC, Lee Valley, Mad Potter) while we're down there. Not that we have any money to spend there.

So. There are times when I post on my other site when I censor myself because my Mom reads it. I do it to save her feelings, not to save her from some depraved side of myself. I HATE feeling like I /have/ to do that. Hate. So why do I do it anyway? She's told me that she stopped reading it because I mentioned seeing my birth mom on it. Because I used the words 'birth mom'. Seriously, Mom? ...get some help.

In other realizations of awareness.... school has taught me more than I realized. I used to only like 'art' that was subjective - art that had an obvious subject matter. Flowers, horses, mountains and the like... but now I've realized the beauty and amazing creativity of abstract art. That's not to say that I like all abstract art, because I don't. But I've figured out that there is beaty in composition, arrangement, line, shape, form and negative space FOR THEMSELVES. It doesn't have to "be" something for me, anymore. It kind of opens up a whole new realm of possibilities and ideas. =) I still prefer subjective art, but I can appreciate the abstract more, now.

Nerves about the wedding went away as soon as I realized that my impending period was causing them to act up. I had the worst cramps of the last 10 years today... but I was glad because it was today and not Monday (wedding day) that they were happening. Whew! Even tomorrow would have been too much, what with picking up Lorraine and trying to get this place ship shape for the parents to see it for the first time. I'm way behind schedule on that, due to the cramps and the ensuing four hour nap.

We have the rings, we have the photographer, we have the marriage commisioner, license, clothes to wear... it's all coming together. I feel bad for not including more of my friends and family in the ceremony itself, but really, I just didn't want to be a bother to anyone. I always feel as though I'm imposing when I ask someone to do something for me - even though it probably wouldn't be taken that way... I've also always felt pretty alone in my life. Even though I'm getting married to M. I still sometimes feel like I'm alone. I really should go get some more help with that. I'm certain it stems from my adoption experience and when I am conscious of adoption in the background, it helps the feelings have less power over me... but I'm not dealing with it by waiting.

Money being the problem that it currently is, I probably won't be able to get any help any time soon. No job, lots of debt and a Visa that is still being racked up despite the fact that I have absolutely no way to pay for it OR the debt. Krikey. I'm trying not to rack it up, but it just seems that the very time when I have NO money, is the time when I HAVE to buy something. Stress response? Shopping as retail-therapy? Oh yes. I've practiced it almost all my adult life. *sigh* I don't worry all that much about it, which seems silly, but money really does seem to work itself out without me stressing about it. So I won't. Much.

The garden is coming along, slowly... we got tons of perennials from a neighbour and tons more from our friends in Fruitvale that i have to weed and find homes for. It's great, but I have NO TIME! Next week I should at least be able to "heal them in" temporarily. I'll have to or some of them will probably die before I get home from the coast. Wedding reception on the 15th. I hope everyone can make it. I wish I could have had the pot luck variety that I wanted, but that's what you get when you ask your Mom to plan your wedding reception because you have no time... well... I WILL have a pot luck one when we get home in the next month or so... and the birth family will be able to come to that one.

What a balancing act. It never seems to end, either. I hate the balancing, but I love both families... though dealing with my Mom's issues is stressing me out a lot lately. It's harder than dealing with a birth mom I don't know very well. At least thinking about her doesn't make me cringe. It makes me smile. Hmm... more issues to take to therapy when I have money. Indeed. *sigh*

This guy, Mark Nykanen, bought one of my skull mugs at the sale we had a few weeks back. He's going to use it for an author photo one day. He writes scary books and gave me a signed copy of The Bone Parade when we had a long chat about adoption last week. I really enjoyed our chat over a smoothie. I read the book all the next day and finished it off. Quite enjoyable. Maybe I'm just getting older, but I wasn't super freaked out like I used to be. I'll have to try reading a few more psychological thrillers... though the fact that the main characters are sculptors (and I did some sculpting this past year) may have made it more intriguing than scary for me.


Enough for now. I should get to cleaning this house. Dreading the arrival, yet looking forward to it, too.

Meme....

Extroverted (E) 71.43% Introverted (I) 28.57% Imaginative (N) 58.33% Realistic (S) 41.67% Emotional (F) 64.52% Intellectual (T) 35.48% Easygoing (P) 57.58% Organized (J) 42.42% Your type is: ENFP You are an Inspirer, possible professions include - conference planner, speech pathologist, HR development trainer, ombudsman, clergy, journalist, newscaster, career counselor, housing director, character actor, marketing consultant, musician/composer, artist, information-graphics designer, human resource manager, merchandise planner, advertising account manager, dietitian/nutritionist, speech pathologist, massage therapist, editor/art director.

Take Free Career Inventory Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com