Long time no post.

In the last few months, I've been in school... we're nearing the semester break, now - and looking forward to it. Somehow I don't have any work to sell at the Christmas show. I don't even have any work to give to people for Christmas. It's not that I've been slacking, exactly.... it's just that I don't like any of it, yet. Tomorrow will be a big glaze night. I have to work out one glaze combo and try some new things, too. It's frustrating. I find that I have to spend too much time at the studio to get my work done... and I don't get enough time for other things in my life like M. and my family. When I take time out to be with them, then I lost out at the studio. Meh.

Making art makes me think about the world. Who am I? Where do I fit in this world? DO I fit in this world? What do I want to say about this world? So many questions. One of the things that it has made me think, more and more, that the entire 'partisan' system that we live under... politically and otherwise... really isn't working all that well. I don't know what the answer is, but getting rid of 'special interest groups' seems like a good idea to me.

Doesn't everyone realize that we're ALL connected? We're all in this together? We are the world? I'm sure that fighting for women's rights (for example) is a "Good Thing" or whatever... but every time I hear a woman on the radio complaining and whining about what men do and how horribly men have treated women and blah blah blah i just get irate. With that kind of attitude, of course you're going to be victimized, because you are SURE that men are going to vicitmize you. Why can't women and men work together? (and while we're on the subject, why can't my left-hand shift key work properly/?/// - grah!!) Why can't we just ALL work together to make the world better for everyone? Not just for women or the homeless or blacks or jews or immigrants etc ad. infinitum... but for all of us.

Help each other, people. That's why we're here.

How do you feel when you have a couple of web journals and your Mom reads one but not the other because you haven't let her know that the other one exists? Because if she read the other, she'd disown you? Hell, she gets mad enough at you for stuff you say in the one she DOES read... Arargh. Hi, I'm 32 and I'm not supposed to feel this way anymore. Nice to meet you.

I wonder if the feeling ever goes away while your parents are still alive. I wonder if I'm supposed to put a question mark after that sentence. Or that one. (ad infinitum) I'm thinking that I'm not supposed to because the noun in the sentence is performing the verb"wonder". It's a statement of wonder.

OOoo! I like that phrase, alot. "A statement of wonder".

Welcome to my extreme tangent blog.

Still... it's a dilemma. How can I feel fully expressed when I'm not? I'm repressed... but then again, who isn't? Marilyn Manson, probably... What would my parents think if I were making a living the way he is? Expressing myself fully? Is that who celebrities are to us? Are they people who express themselves fully? What would my parents think about me writing even this small drop of my internal struggle and posting it for "anyone to see"?

Is this how it is to be in the world? I'm not saying that we shouldn't have a private life and a public life... there are some things that I would probably not express to anyone. But what about those things deemed "inappropriate" by my parents? What about the things that I want to share but don't because of how I imagine they would judge me? Why can't I let my parents know the me that everyone else knows?

And why do my mom's conversations about nothing bother me SO. VERY. MUCH???!?! Is it because I feel that they are not important enough to listen to because I'm not important enough to them to be "who I am" with them and not have them leave me? Or am I just maladjusted and unable to accept the "fact" that we do have to live our lives as different people. Everyone we interact with has a different experience of who we are because thier perception of us is unique to them... nobody has the same experience and memories of us that anyone else has.

BUT

Does this mean that I should be consiously and unconsciously trying to live up to the expectation of who I am that I perceive every other person has of me? Should I play into those molds? This is what we humans seem to do with each other. Find a place where we 'fit' and stay right there. I think we need it as people, but I don't know if the instinct doesn't just rear up it's head and some of the most inappropriate times, causing us undue feelings of distress and worry about the state and workings of our relationships and the discovery of Who We Are.

Intense intimate explorations of my soul or wild flailings of a drugged mind?

So the money problems are nearing an end... thank goodness for an understanding personal banker and debt consolidation loans. Whew! I'll get this fixed up real good for a low monthly rate. I figure I'll save a few thousand dollars in interest while I'm saving a few hundred dollars a month! I'm going to make that personal banker lady something nice in clay. A vase. I will be all about the amazing vases this year. My hairdresser, vet and boss(es) deserve one, too.

At any rate, life goes on, the stresses of money problems wreaked havoc on M. and I's relationship. Money is "Teh Evil" and I don't like it, except for what it can BUY ME. Not to mention horses cost a lot to keep... and I want one (at least) of those, too. It also helped to day as I chopped off the remains of my mullet and have almost got something in the way of stylish hair adorning the top of my head.

Little Bear is getting carsick these days. We're going to try taking him on short jaunts up the driveway and back, and also taking him in the car, but not putting him in his crate. Maybe if he can see/have the wind in his face, he might be okay. We'll see.

I'm tired. Bed. Sleep. More someday.

Does anyone have $20k they don't need and could donate to a good cause? Me? K. Thanks. Or even loan at a low rate of interest? I kept living the high life after I left McKesson... you know, doing things like eating, keeping a roof over my head... that sort of thing. And now my credit cards are scaring me. I should have thought about this before I spent the money, but it will all work out somehow.

Marriage. Something I said I wanted, but wasn't really sure I wanted. Now I know. I am happy I got married to Matthew on Monday. The day was beautiful, though the weather was a bit cloudy, it didn't rain on us and the sun peeked out a few times during the photographs. I was so relaxed it was unbelievable. It probably helped that we had such a small, intimate wedding with just our parents in attendance... and I had gotten all my jitters and nerves out a few nights before the wedding in a stressed-out crying jag. ;-)

We had an incredible dinner at the All Season Cafe and then went to see Luther Wright and the Wrongs at the Fluid Lounge. Just a totally fantastic day.

I got the pictures back from developing today and there are so many happy ones. I wish I looked a bit younger and a bit slimmer, but all in all I think we look great. I'm going to get some of them put on CD and when I do that I may be able to find a place to post some. We'll see.

For now... I'm looking forward to the weekend in Vancouver, staying with my brother and his lovely partner, seeing the family and friends that we've invited to the reception, plus hopefully getting to a few stores (MEC, Lee Valley, Mad Potter) while we're down there. Not that we have any money to spend there.

So. There are times when I post on my other site when I censor myself because my Mom reads it. I do it to save her feelings, not to save her from some depraved side of myself. I HATE feeling like I /have/ to do that. Hate. So why do I do it anyway? She's told me that she stopped reading it because I mentioned seeing my birth mom on it. Because I used the words 'birth mom'. Seriously, Mom? ...get some help.

In other realizations of awareness.... school has taught me more than I realized. I used to only like 'art' that was subjective - art that had an obvious subject matter. Flowers, horses, mountains and the like... but now I've realized the beauty and amazing creativity of abstract art. That's not to say that I like all abstract art, because I don't. But I've figured out that there is beaty in composition, arrangement, line, shape, form and negative space FOR THEMSELVES. It doesn't have to "be" something for me, anymore. It kind of opens up a whole new realm of possibilities and ideas. =) I still prefer subjective art, but I can appreciate the abstract more, now.

Nerves about the wedding went away as soon as I realized that my impending period was causing them to act up. I had the worst cramps of the last 10 years today... but I was glad because it was today and not Monday (wedding day) that they were happening. Whew! Even tomorrow would have been too much, what with picking up Lorraine and trying to get this place ship shape for the parents to see it for the first time. I'm way behind schedule on that, due to the cramps and the ensuing four hour nap.

We have the rings, we have the photographer, we have the marriage commisioner, license, clothes to wear... it's all coming together. I feel bad for not including more of my friends and family in the ceremony itself, but really, I just didn't want to be a bother to anyone. I always feel as though I'm imposing when I ask someone to do something for me - even though it probably wouldn't be taken that way... I've also always felt pretty alone in my life. Even though I'm getting married to M. I still sometimes feel like I'm alone. I really should go get some more help with that. I'm certain it stems from my adoption experience and when I am conscious of adoption in the background, it helps the feelings have less power over me... but I'm not dealing with it by waiting.

Money being the problem that it currently is, I probably won't be able to get any help any time soon. No job, lots of debt and a Visa that is still being racked up despite the fact that I have absolutely no way to pay for it OR the debt. Krikey. I'm trying not to rack it up, but it just seems that the very time when I have NO money, is the time when I HAVE to buy something. Stress response? Shopping as retail-therapy? Oh yes. I've practiced it almost all my adult life. *sigh* I don't worry all that much about it, which seems silly, but money really does seem to work itself out without me stressing about it. So I won't. Much.

The garden is coming along, slowly... we got tons of perennials from a neighbour and tons more from our friends in Fruitvale that i have to weed and find homes for. It's great, but I have NO TIME! Next week I should at least be able to "heal them in" temporarily. I'll have to or some of them will probably die before I get home from the coast. Wedding reception on the 15th. I hope everyone can make it. I wish I could have had the pot luck variety that I wanted, but that's what you get when you ask your Mom to plan your wedding reception because you have no time... well... I WILL have a pot luck one when we get home in the next month or so... and the birth family will be able to come to that one.

What a balancing act. It never seems to end, either. I hate the balancing, but I love both families... though dealing with my Mom's issues is stressing me out a lot lately. It's harder than dealing with a birth mom I don't know very well. At least thinking about her doesn't make me cringe. It makes me smile. Hmm... more issues to take to therapy when I have money. Indeed. *sigh*

This guy, Mark Nykanen, bought one of my skull mugs at the sale we had a few weeks back. He's going to use it for an author photo one day. He writes scary books and gave me a signed copy of The Bone Parade when we had a long chat about adoption last week. I really enjoyed our chat over a smoothie. I read the book all the next day and finished it off. Quite enjoyable. Maybe I'm just getting older, but I wasn't super freaked out like I used to be. I'll have to try reading a few more psychological thrillers... though the fact that the main characters are sculptors (and I did some sculpting this past year) may have made it more intriguing than scary for me.


Enough for now. I should get to cleaning this house. Dreading the arrival, yet looking forward to it, too.

Meme....

Extroverted (E) 71.43% Introverted (I) 28.57% Imaginative (N) 58.33% Realistic (S) 41.67% Emotional (F) 64.52% Intellectual (T) 35.48% Easygoing (P) 57.58% Organized (J) 42.42% Your type is: ENFP You are an Inspirer, possible professions include - conference planner, speech pathologist, HR development trainer, ombudsman, clergy, journalist, newscaster, career counselor, housing director, character actor, marketing consultant, musician/composer, artist, information-graphics designer, human resource manager, merchandise planner, advertising account manager, dietitian/nutritionist, speech pathologist, massage therapist, editor/art director.

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So much is happening these days. School is crazy busy, wedding coming up in four weeks (my Mom won't let me forget) things to do all week and all weekend.... argh! I wish I was going horseback riding this Saturday... sadness that I'm not, but at least I'll get in to the studio to mix up some glazes. I've done NO tests on them, yet... but if I mix on Saturday, I should be able to get tests done AND the final pieces done, too. Chicken coops to build, gardens to dig, job to find. Residency to sign up for *ack*!! Birthday cards to send EXPRESS to Mom. Jeez. Nuts.

I'm tired but the pain of losing Nami is fading, I still miss him - and wish I could have had him alive with us for so much longer. We'll get another cat one day.

Now I have to go and (hopefully) build some slab pieces for tomorrow. It's going to be another late night in the computer/clay room rocking out to MP3s and building slab pieces. *dry slabs dry* The've got to be a lot firmer than they are, now before I can do anything on them. :-/ so meanwhile... the dishes.

My dearest, sweet, loveable, cuddly, darling Nami is gone. He was attacked tonight, and killed. We don't know by what, but we suspect the neighbour dogs. The same ones who attacked Rainy twice before. They may just have chased away whatever actually killed him, but we don't know. I haven't talked to the neighbour, yet, I haven't checked the neighbour's dogs over for scratches. I got home from the clay studio at about 11:30pm and Matthew told me what happened. I'm furious, heartbroken and stunned. My beautiful home in the country seems marred somehow... and definitely empty.... definitely missing something. I feel like I failed him.

All I can say for sure at this moment is that I loved him. I still love him. My dear sweet Nami. Nothing can chase him, now. Nothing can hurt him where he is. Tomorrow, I will say goodbye and bury him in the forest, place a cairn over him so nothing can desecrate the place his body is resting. Then, he will be able to come with me to school, and I'll not have to leave him behind. Champ will welcome him and be his friend, that I am certain. They were two of a kind.

I think what hurts the most is that I hadn't even completely bonded with Nami, yet. He loved me, as he loved everyone and cuddled with everyone... but I did not yet know every little quirk and habit of his. I couldn't yet decipher what he was feeling every moment just from the way he moved or looked at me.... though I was learning. I have so many memories from the short time he was with us, but they all just break my heart right now. I'm very, deeply sorry that the time was so very short.

People sometimes wonder why I love my pets so much, when the loss of those pets hurts me so deeply. I can only tell them that the loss is nothing compared to the love. The pain receeds with time and the love still remains. We will have another cat come to live with us, one day. This one will stay indoors... and he will be loved, as deeply as any, in his own special way.

I should try to get some sleep... I had just caught up on it all yesterday... (11 hours) and I have so much to do at school in the coming weeks... I will try. Soon.

Yegads. Hanging out with my Mom for two days is enough. I love her, but really - she drives me mad. That and she seems to be seriously manic depressive. I'm worried about her, but I've tried to help her as much as I can... but really it is up to her to find help for herself. She tells me, in tears, about feeling overwhelmed, feeling like leaving Dad, feeling attacked all the time by everyone, feeling unworthy, feeling unloved, feeling rejected, feeling alone, feeling suicidal. I don't know what to do for her other than tell her I love her and urge her to seek help from outside the family. Seek help from someone impartial who will be on her side. Seek help from someone who can give her tools to deal with the feelings and help her to disover where they stem from.... just get help.

Having everything I do - right or "wrong" - be all about me doing it "to her" is really starting to wear irritatingly thin. I have to tune her out sometimes to deal calmly with her, but I know she really just needs help. I don't have the time, skills or energy to be that help, however.

I'm so glad I get to go to the clay symposium tomorrow, stay with another student and her sister tomorrow night, and then home on Sunday.

A good birthday... We have hot water again... since Friday morning. Ahhhhhh showers are good. Tonight we had my birth mom, birth grandma, birth aunt and sister over for dinner. They brought the cake and spinach dip and I made chicken in white wine sauce, mushroom sausage stuffing and green beans with garlic/olive oil. Yum. Dessert was an orange chiffon cake. Delicious! All in all a delightful evening in our new home. The 'official' housewarming will be next week. =) I'm tired, now.... going to head to bed so I can go in to the studio tomorrow and make things. =)

Casserole set? Serving dishes? Pitcher and tumblers? 7 serving bowls.... Set of plates.... hmmm.... the possibilities are ENDLESS!

Still no plumber. Still no hot water. That is until tomorrow. Then he comes and hopefully soon after that we'll have hot water again! Hooray for fellow students who life close by school and offer up their showers for my personal use. OMG. Good.

It's kind of ironic that I said "plumber" in that last post... because I meant "electirican". But it turns out that it wasn't the 'razor only' outlet (shaving thing, not mouse) that blew up as we had first suspected, but the hot water tank that is in the wall behind the 'razor only' outlet. Weird, eh? I kept having trouble and saying "plumber" instead of "electrician" in all my conversations about it and then yesterday we discover that it was INDEED a plumber we needed and not an electrician. Heh.

Other than that, life is good. =)

Electrical sparky incident this morning at 6am. Not good. Calling plumber.

Interesting.... I shall have to explore this further. Thanks Dev0n for the interesting quiz:

1. Mahayana Buddhism (100%)
2. Neo-Pagan (93%)
3. Unitarian Universalism (92%)
4. New Age (90%)
5. New Thought (90%)
6. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (89%)
7. Theravada Buddhism (89%)
8. Liberal Quakers (83%)
9. Scientology (81%)
10. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (80%)
11. Taoism (80%)
12. Hinduism (71%)
13. Jainism (66%)
14. Bahá'í Faith (64%)
15. Sikhism (63%)
16. Reform Judaism (57%)
17. Secular Humanism (49%)
18. Orthodox Quaker (47%)
19. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (44%)
20. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (38%)
21. Orthodox Judaism (35%)
22. Nontheist (29%)
23. Jehovah's Witness (27%)
24. Islam (24%)
25. Seventh Day Adventist (17%)
26. Eastern Orthodox (15%)
27. Roman Catholic (15%)

So they've come around. We've set a date and given them things to do towards it (wedding wise) and now that we've put an offer on the house, they're going to transfer the money to my account on Monday. Whew! Cuz boy howdy, it's going to come in handy. We have so much to do towards this house thing. Inspections, mortgages, lawyers, oh my. But it will be great to get into our own little place on 2 acres.

It's a 1977 de-registerd mobile home. On 2 acres. So we'll be trailer trash with acreage. It always makes me think of redneck rampage.... *BOOM* "Git off muh laa-und!!" Heh.

I'm so tired. It's time to sleep.