Epona's Online Journal

2007-07-30T09:12:00.001-07:00

*begin rant*Here I sit, blogging. This usually only happens when things go bad and I can't take it anymore. Such is the case today. I've been feeling neglected, unappreciated and resentful for a while, but somehow I hope that it will change and things will be satisfactory for me... instead of learning from the past and realizing that I need to change my behaviour in order to get what I want. So

2007-06-11T00:17:00.001-07:00

How cool is it when your horses hear you coming and call out to you with big whinnies, then come from wherever they are in the paddock to see you and they don't even think you're bringing them food? Very cool.How cool is it when your baby does somersaults in your belly? At 6 months, very cool... we'll see how that feels at 8 months. ;-) Yowch?How cool is it when you finish working at 10:30pm and

2007-06-07T17:19:00.000-07:00

So. There's more to being pregnant than meets the eye. Mostly in the wiggly human octopus in your belly department. At least for me. It's a really neat feeling and at first all I wanted was more, more, MORE of it! I still do at times, especially when I'm chilling on the couch and want to see the baby poke my belly out.However....What they don't tell you about being pregnant is that baby can kick

2007-05-19T19:37:00.000-07:00

End of a week without Matthew. He's been working in Invermere - and I think he's very tired by the sound of his voice. He's coming home tomorrow (I think), though, I haven't heard from him tonight and that usually means he's on his way. I guess I'll call him and find out.I had chicken pot pie for dinner from Save-On Foods. Such comfort food, so easy. Better for baby and I than the trifle and

2007-05-15T21:53:00.000-07:00

Whew. Tiring day. Most days are kinda tiring, now - by 3:30 or 4 I need a nap, but usually don't take one. Bad me.Belly still growing, occasionally feel baby moving inside, just flutters or little tiny pokes, but nothing to keep me from sleeping or cause me pain, yet.I worked all day and then went to a baby shower for a friend of mine tonight. It was fun and good to see her again - but it felt

2007-05-09T18:02:00.000-07:00

My belly is now beginning to look pregnant. I bought stretchy panel jeans. I love them. Comfort is of the utmost importance. I don't care how silly they look.I'm feeling very lucky, no morning sickness and mostly I just feel a bit more hungry and a bit more tired. The ultrasound went well - everything right where it was supposed to be, bits wise and measurement wise. They won't tell you the sex

2007-04-10T23:25:00.000-07:00

Too good to be true....It had to be. The first firing of my kiln today and it didn't reach temperature in 9 1/2 hours. I shut it down. Should I have been more patient? I may have somehow caused the kiln to stall out in mid firing range, but I don't know. I will call Cress tomorrow and see if they can tell me if what I did (turned it up manually when the firemate control was automatically turning

2007-04-03T11:29:00.000-07:00

Doing pretty well. I wonder how much of my emotional issues are because I've been alone in this house for nearly 3 months and I feel more lonely with Matthew home, sometimes than when it was just me, and how much is pregnancy related.I guess only time will tell.The cold is clearing up, the sun is out, though it was frosty this morning - I think I'll go play with Maya and then get down to business

2007-03-28T08:39:00.000-07:00

This cold has got me tired and stuffed up, but my boss is understanding (and I'm sure doesn't want to get all his customers sick!) so I'm off work today. That will leave me with enough time to get things a bit more organized around here. I should probably try to lie down for a bit of rest before I get cracking, or maybe take an acetaminophin... that's supposed to be safe during pregnancy and I

2007-03-27T19:43:00.000-07:00

Aside from the sniffling and snuffling of a cold (a gift from my sister-in-law's twins) I had a good weekend down on the coast... and now that my parents know, everyone else can know, too! Matthew and I are expecting a baby in September. =) You don't know how many times I've been typing away and almost let something slip on here. ;-) Now I can be open and not have to censor myself.Trying hard to

2007-03-20T08:55:00.000-07:00

Saw the first robins of spring two days ago and the first crocus blossoms in my garden, it's been sunny, rained all night last night, and it's looking to be a partly cloudy day today. Amazing how my motivation goes UP when the weather is more spring-like.It also helps that my neighbours helped me pull my truck out of where it was stuck yesterday and I put insurance on it for 7 months. I HAVE

2007-03-11T16:07:00.000-07:00

Rain falls. Snow melts. Spring arrives. I did feel such unabandoned joy about that, but now... *sigh*Not much to say - Matthew came home this weekend and things went as well as ever. *sarc* It started out better than okay, but probably only becuase his friend came with him from school. Once he'd gone... it went downhill. He's always more pleasant to be around when other people are here. Why am I

2007-03-03T13:18:00.000-08:00

Whew.Lazy.I went for a walk this morning at least... up to the mailboxes and back - it's about a 45 minute jaunt, 30 minutes uphill (I typed uphell at first, heh) and then a more relaxing, easier breathing 15 downhill. I'm trying to make this a regular first thing in the morning routine, and then do everything else after that - have to get up early to fit in the 45 minutes, but it would be worth

2007-02-21T19:20:00.000-08:00

Fiddle dee dum... fiddle dee dee...Hum. Swell... Headache. Waiting to find out if I get to go to the Dam Inn Pub tonight for Wings Night. Thrilling, really. In pottery news: Could not for the life of me find my underglaze on Monday, so had to borrow the one ingredient I was missing from the school in order to make up a new batch! So now, I've made a new batch of liner, and a new batch of

2007-02-18T22:57:00.000-08:00

Matthew came home and surprised me on Valentine's Day - a day earlier than planned. I was expecting my friend to come by so when I heard a knock at the door I wasn't surprised - until I looked up to see my sheepishly sweetly smiling husband with flowers and chocolates in hand. *melt*He liked my gift, though I'm not totally happy with it, yet. I think I need to darken up the background to make the

2007-02-13T20:33:00.000-08:00

Wow. Good day. Had the "Send Me Something" marketing class at CF today with Chris Holand from Juggernaut. He was entertaining and made things simple. We accomplished a lot in that class. I'll have to get on it and actually "Send him something" for the homework assignment. But what.Too tired to do it today - maybe tomorrow, likely Thursday or Friday.Exhausted. Absolutely. I want to go to bed but

2007-02-12T22:26:00.000-08:00

Ah zeee blog. You never know who's reading. ;-) Hi b-boy.Had a great day with Sarah today - we went to KSA together and have been close friends ever since. Her hubby's flight from Vancouver to Castlegar got cancelled yesterday and delayed this morning, which had her at my place watching movies, making pizza, chatting and sleeping over last night - then in the morning we cruised the 'gar after

2007-02-06T21:36:00.000-08:00

Been a while since I posted. Again. Matthew is away at school learning to Timberframe, but he has come home a few times to visit - both times he surprised me. He doesn't know it yet but I'm painting him a picture for Valentine's Day. Heee. He doesn't read this, so I've no fear that he'll find out before he gets it. It's a watercolour (terrible one - I'm not skilled at watercolour!) of some

2006-12-30T16:20:00.000-08:00

Back from holidays and recovering from visiting the family all over the place in the Lower Mainland. I've ridden to get the mail twice this week... Maya not so sure about me being the boss all the time, though she's getting more accepting - especially since I stick to it and don't give up. I think she must have had her way most of the time in previous relationships with humans. She did with me,

2006-12-21T09:26:00.000-08:00

A crazy few days in a good way. Lots of working on the place, getting my shelves set up in the studio room, cleaning, the never-ending cleaning.... *sigh* and the Christmas baking. I'm almost all done with that --- doing butter tarts today and then I can call it finished! That is, unless I decide to also make some more ginger snaps, which I more than likely will. Heh. I feel better - my neighbour

2006-12-15T21:18:00.000-08:00

A good day following a few good days. Continuing to do my morning pages has eased the stranglehold that my worries had on me. Talking to Matthew helped a lot, too... he has been trying so hard and doing all the right things. I am so in love with the man again. Isn't it fascinating how a few days and a few actions can change *everything*?I want to make babies with this man. It's been a long time

2006-12-11T00:34:00.000-08:00

So today I rediscovered that morning pages, playing with horses, and talking to my husband are all good things for me to do to get out of the rut that I was in. It didn't look like the day was going to start off well at all... I woke up at 6am and couldn't get another man out of my head. BAd news. Obsessive news. So I finally got up at 7 and started writing morning pages. Morning pages good.

2006-12-09T17:43:00.000-08:00

UP down up down up. DOWN~! On the fascinating rollercoaster of life. F*CK!!! You don't think I'm worth it. FUck you and the fucking slimy camel toad you rode in on. I AM FUCKING WORTH IT ASSHOLE@! Just. Fucking. TRY!!!!!!I hate my life at this moment. Strangely enough, just hours ago it was okay... but mere hours before that it was not. Fuck off with the roller coaster already. Maybe I should

2006-12-08T13:09:00.000-08:00

Depression sets in. Apathy. My house has never been messier and I barely care. I don't care enough to do anything about it, anyway. When I'm in a relationship and I'm not feeling loved and appreciated, I just don't care about anything. It's called "not having my needs met". But is there anyone in the world who *could* meet them? Am I asking too much? *heartbreak* *heartache* They're barely there.

2006-10-29T08:14:00.000-08:00

Things got better the next morning, as I thought they might, but it's getting harder and harder for me to feel like I'm loved. And I can't have sex with someone who I think doesn't love me, or make any effort to give me what *I* need. I'm trying my pants off, but it feels like he's punishing me or holding out on me, or just plain being selfish most of the time. No help with dishes... or cleaning

2006-10-27T07:02:00.000-07:00

So this morning I'm not sure what is going on. Last night I made dinner, lemon squares and then finished the Elderberry Jelly. When I asked Matthew to help me with the dishes he was very mad at me for doing too much. But not for my sake, more for his sake. "I need time to relax when I get home, instead there's always a created mess". I asked him about what it would be like if he lived on his own,

2006-10-12T17:42:00.000-07:00

Tried enabling comments instead of the guestbook... did it work?

2006-10-12T17:33:00.000-07:00

Working today on my business plan and website. Nothing new posted yet.. it's still in development ferchrissakes. It was hard to get back into html after years away from it. :-/ I don't WANT to back into it... that's probably why it was so difficult... but it's coming back to me (dammit) so at least I can save myself some money by doing it myself (yay?).Wish I'd gone riding instead, but at least I

2006-10-07T15:00:00.000-07:00

Been home now since mid-August and I've mainly been playing with horses and working on our relationship issues. (not to mention causing a few more along the way!) We'll get through it. One way or the other, though I want desperately to be strong and stay together. Who knows if I can change my view of marriage from one of "one foot out the door" to "all in all the time"? I'm working on it. I think

2006-07-12T13:52:00.000-07:00

What a long summer job. Only a few more weeks to go and I've alrady survived hell... so it shouldn't be TOO bad. Then I can say "I've done it!" and go home to EI, a loving husband, building a pottery business and a new horse, and never have to do this again! What an adventure this summer has been. I now know that I can work for 16 hours a day (or more) on 5 or 6 hours of sleep per night.

2006-04-16T18:26:00.000-07:00

I leave on Friday, that's five days from now. In between now and then, I will speak on behalf of the third year Grads at the Kootenay Gallery Springboard Opening on Thursday night, attend a couple of pot lucks, sand, price and display my work for the year end show at the school and get my horses' feet trimmed... not to mention buying a few more necessary things for the trip, putting a canopy on

2006-04-11T22:10:00.000-07:00

Well... I did what I said I should do and said "NO MORE!", and yet my heart still breaks. I think it will break for a while. I need it to break, to stay strong. How strange that is. I'm scared that I won't be strong... but if I *am*... just think of the breakthrough! I leave town next Friday and the temptation will stay behind. Then my heart can well and truly break... and maybe I will be able to

2006-04-04T12:42:00.000-07:00

So.... falling off the wagon, so to speak. Heart breaking itself over it's own stupidity. Let go. Say "NO MORE!! I'm done!!" I will not fall into that trap AGAIN. I will not. I should just read my last post and FEEL the strength that I had there, take a stand for your own happiness. YOU CAN DO IT!My self pep-talk online version 222.7. I sure do need a LOT of these things. I'll just have to keep

2006-04-01T22:48:00.000-08:00

What strength lies in the heart? In her fear there is strength. When I get to that place where nothing seems to make sense, and the world is against me and why bother... you know... that place? That's the place that I begin to have hope again.... because I've learned over the years that when I go there and let myself really go there, that I come out on the other side a wiser, calmer, stronger

2006-03-29T09:14:00.000-08:00

How do I say what I need to say? How do I KNOW what I need to say? How do I know what is wrong with me? How do I fix it? Help. Oh. Help.

2006-03-21T07:46:00.000-08:00

Feeling under the weather just slightly... a slight chest cough - I hope it doesn't escalate. Feeling confused as ever, holding on to two ideas instead of letting go of one and focusing on the other... it's really diffucult to live this way. There is no hope in one direction and less in the other. Especially if the truth of how I've been feeling comes out... will it? Should it? Am I evil? I feel

2006-03-17T23:22:00.000-08:00

Hold me closely, tuck your head in to my shoulder, put your face in my hair and breathe in the scent of me. There is so much more I want to know about you, so much more that I want to share with you, and yet, it seems, it cannot be. A fond memory, your touch. A precious dream, your head upon my chest. So close. Asleep. Spoon. There is much that you can learn from me, and I from you, but there is

2006-02-24T16:26:00.000-08:00

It sure is funny how day to day things can change. Had another emotional roller coaster of a day today... and I'm not sure it will change once I go home. I plan to talk more to the hubby today about what I've been feeling and doing since we met, basically... and through no fault of his own, we may not make it. Was I ever committed to this marriage? Ever really committed? I'm not sure. Can I

2006-02-23T09:03:00.000-08:00

Absence makes the heart grow fonder and the head grow clearer. Sometimes. Meditation helps in that regard, too. I still wonder what it is I am meant to be doing with my life and whom I should be doing it with... but for the moment the sense of despair is gone. I wonder what today will hold... and my brain does fantasize endlessly about the possibilities. I know that today holds designing and

2006-02-22T12:50:00.000-08:00

What is it I am searching for that I have not yet found within myself? Why do I crave something that I should not crave, that I could not fully have even if I was supposed to want it? What is wrong with me that I dwell on this percieved lack of love in my life? I search for it everywhere except where I can find it? I discard it where it lives? Do I? I'm confused. Hurting. Horrible. How can I stop

2006-02-21T08:50:00.000-08:00

Make no sudden assumptions based upon my blog yesterday... things continuously change and ebb and flow. My brain continues to think too much. Analyze this. Analyze that. I think it will take a while, if ever, for Matthew's efforts to make a lasting impact on me. It will take a while for me to trust feeling loved. I have hope, and I have despair. I have love and lust and every other emotion under

2006-02-20T12:43:00.000-08:00

The thinking continues... thinking too much about everything. I live in my brain, these days, except for those rare moments on the wheel or when I'm meditating when I can celebrate my own awareness. Talking about what's in my head helps me to get it out. Talking about it with the people that it involves helps the most. I wonder where I'll be in a year's time... I have plans, certainly... don't we

2006-01-27T11:47:00.000-08:00

MEME:Four jobs you have had in your life:1. Shoe Salesperson2. Remote Systems Administrator3. Pizza Chef4. Electrical Wiring Harness BuilderFour movies you would watch over and over again:1. Office Space2. Moulin Rouge3. The Black Stallion4. Any Cohen Brothers filmFour places you have lived:1. Delta, BC 2. North Vancouver, BC 3. Nelson, BC4. Maple Ridge, BCFour T.V. shows you love to watch:1.

2006-01-26T15:00:00.000-08:00

Sleepy. At school. Listening to somafm.com "groove salad". Threw 8 plates today. Ready to trim 3 large ones that I threw yesterday... but they might wait until tomorrow. I plan to go to yoga (first time) tonight and then on to the Commanding Officer's Parade of the 561 Air Cadets Squadron afterwards... I've been on two exercises with them - one just this past weekend - and I haven't seen them

2005-12-22T10:35:00.000-08:00

We're almost at another Christmas - been a while. I've been busy, too busy to post, really. What with working full time, riding and playing with horses in my time off during the summer, and now the last four months back at school... there's been a lot going on. I'm exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I have been sick for about 3 weeks - I got over one cold just to be thrown headlong

2005-04-25T21:47:00.000-07:00

The Master Cleanse is long over - I lasted 6 days.For now... I stole this from Ali who stole it from Christy:WHAT DO YOU CALL: 1. A body of water, smaller than a river, contained within relatively narrow banks? stream 2. What the thing you push around the grocery store is called? shopping cart 3. A metal container to carry a meal in? lunch box 4. The thing that you cook bacon and eggs in?

2005-01-22T21:48:00.000-08:00

I began something called the "Master Cleanse" today and I feel like shite. Most of the day was fine, but now I'm tired, headachey, hungry, weak, dizzy. Yay. The good news is, it's supposed to get better after a while and all this suffering is due to the toxins that have yet to be purged from my body. That and only drinking lemonade sweetened with maple syrup and spiked with cayenne pepper. Ugh.

2004-12-08T23:03:00.000-08:00

Long time no post. In the last few months, I've been in school... we're nearing the semester break, now - and looking forward to it. Somehow I don't have any work to sell at the Christmas show. I don't even have any work to give to people for Christmas. It's not that I've been slacking, exactly.... it's just that I don't like any of it, yet. Tomorrow will be a big glaze night. I have to work out

2004-08-12T12:47:00.000-07:00

How do you feel when you have a couple of web journals and your Mom reads one but not the other because you haven't let her know that the other one exists? Because if she read the other, she'd disown you? Hell, she gets mad enough at you for stuff you say in the one she DOES read... Arargh. Hi, I'm 32 and I'm not supposed to feel this way anymore. Nice to meet you. I wonder if the feeling ever

2004-07-15T22:21:00.000-07:00

So the money problems are nearing an end... thank goodness for an understanding personal banker and debt consolidation loans. Whew! I'll get this fixed up real good for a low monthly rate. I figure I'll save a few thousand dollars in interest while I'm saving a few hundred dollars a month! I'm going to make that personal banker lady something nice in clay. A vase. I will be all about the amazing

2004-06-29T10:56:00.000-07:00

Does anyone have $20k they don't need and could donate to a good cause? Me? K. Thanks. Or even loan at a low rate of interest? I kept living the high life after I left McKesson... you know, doing things like eating, keeping a roof over my head... that sort of thing. And now my credit cards are scaring me. I should have thought about this before I spent the money, but it will all work out somehow.

2004-05-12T21:00:00.000-07:00

Marriage. Something I said I wanted, but wasn't really sure I wanted. Now I know. I am happy I got married to Matthew on Monday. The day was beautiful, though the weather was a bit cloudy, it didn't rain on us and the sun peeked out a few times during the photographs. I was so relaxed it was unbelievable. It probably helped that we had such a small, intimate wedding with just our parents in

2004-05-07T16:58:00.000-07:00

So. There are times when I post on my other site when I censor myself because my Mom reads it. I do it to save her feelings, not to save her from some depraved side of myself. I HATE feeling like I /have/ to do that. Hate. So why do I do it anyway? She's told me that she stopped reading it because I mentioned seeing my birth mom on it. Because I used the words 'birth mom'. Seriously, Mom? ...get

2004-04-20T15:46:00.000-07:00

Meme.... Extroverted (E) 71.43% Introverted (I) 28.57% Imaginative (N) 58.33% Realistic (S) 41.67% Emotional (F) 64.52% Intellectual (T) 35.48% Easygoing (P) 57.58% Organized (J) 42.42% Your type is: ENFP > You are an Inspirer, possible professions include - conference planner, speech pathologist, HR development trainer, ombudsman, clergy,

2004-04-07T22:20:00.000-07:00

So much is happening these days. School is crazy busy, wedding coming up in four weeks (my Mom won't let me forget) things to do all week and all weekend.... argh! I wish I was going horseback riding this Saturday... sadness that I'm not, but at least I'll get in to the studio to mix up some glazes. I've done NO tests on them, yet... but if I mix on Saturday, I should be able to get tests done

2004-03-26T00:42:00.000-08:00

My dearest, sweet, loveable, cuddly, darling Nami is gone. He was attacked tonight, and killed. We don't know by what, but we suspect the neighbour dogs. The same ones who attacked Rainy twice before. They may just have chased away whatever actually killed him, but we don't know. I haven't talked to the neighbour, yet, I haven't checked the neighbour's dogs over for scratches. I got home from the

2004-03-19T23:08:00.000-08:00

Yegads. Hanging out with my Mom for two days is enough. I love her, but really - she drives me mad. That and she seems to be seriously manic depressive. I'm worried about her, but I've tried to help her as much as I can... but really it is up to her to find help for herself. She tells me, in tears, about feeling overwhelmed, feeling like leaving Dad, feeling attacked all the time by everyone,

2004-03-06T22:09:00.000-08:00

A good birthday... We have hot water again... since Friday morning. Ahhhhhh showers are good. Tonight we had my birth mom, birth grandma, birth aunt and sister over for dinner. They brought the cake and spinach dip and I made chicken in white wine sauce, mushroom sausage stuffing and green beans with garlic/olive oil. Yum. Dessert was an orange chiffon cake. Delicious! All in all a delightful

2004-03-04T00:14:00.000-08:00

Still no plumber. Still no hot water. That is until tomorrow. Then he comes and hopefully soon after that we'll have hot water again! Hooray for fellow students who life close by school and offer up their showers for my personal use. OMG. Good.

2004-02-27T12:06:00.000-08:00

It's kind of ironic that I said "plumber" in that last post... because I meant "electirican". But it turns out that it wasn't the 'razor only' outlet (shaving thing, not mouse) that blew up as we had first suspected, but the hot water tank that is in the wall behind the 'razor only' outlet. Weird, eh? I kept having trouble and saying "plumber" instead of "electrician" in all my conversations

2004-02-25T08:26:00.000-08:00

Electrical sparky incident this morning at 6am. Not good. Calling plumber.

2004-01-22T17:20:00.000-08:00

Interesting.... I shall have to explore this further. Thanks Dev0n for the interesting quiz: 1. Mahayana Buddhism (100%) 2. Neo-Pagan (93%) 3. Unitarian Universalism (92%) 4. New Age (90%) 5. New Thought (90%) 6. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (89%) 7. Theravada Buddhism (89%) 8. Liberal Quakers (83%) 9. Scientology (81%) 10. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants

2004-01-11T22:09:00.000-08:00

So they've come around. We've set a date and given them things to do towards it (wedding wise) and now that we've put an offer on the house, they're going to transfer the money to my account on Monday. Whew! Cuz boy howdy, it's going to come in handy. We have so much to do towards this house thing. Inspections, mortgages, lawyers, oh my. But it will be great to get into our own little place on 2

2003-12-31T11:55:00.000-08:00

I just wrote a detailed post about motheres, mortgages and wedding plans and somehow I lost it. Argh. Here's the short version: I spoke to my Mom about us going to see about getting a pre-approved Mortgage and buying a place together. She got upset, threatened to withold inheritance money from my Grandma if we weren't married first. I got upset and told her what I thought of that. (grrrr) But

2003-12-30T09:47:00.000-08:00

Minus 9 degrees today. Um. Brr? Even the foggy windows have frozen on the inside. Maybe its time to put up that winter window kit? Yeah, I think so. Its also time to put the rest of the turkey and the stock I made from it, into the freezer. Maybe after lunch. I'll take some down to Matthew today. Maybe we'll be able to eat the rest of it - or I could put it into a turkey pot pie... With stuffing

2003-12-28T19:04:00.000-08:00

Things are lovely. We spent time in Riondel with Bob, my birth dad and his family, and my sister Candy and her family - a pretty crazy time, but fun to be sure. I'm having a relaxing holiday, trying not to take on too much, though it's hard not to when I've been going full tilt at school for three months. I'm looking forward to January and starting the new semester. Bob bought a steer to butcher

2003-12-17T19:21:00.000-08:00

I did like Ariosa did: you are violet#EE82EEYour dominant hues are red and blue. You're confident and like showing people new ideas. You play well with others and can be very influential if you want to be.Your saturation level is lower than average - You don't stress out over things and don't understand people who do. Finishing projects may sometimes be a challenge, but you schedule time as you

2003-11-20T17:26:00.000-08:00

Show me that you love me in a way that I can comprehend. A way that touches my very being.

2003-11-18T18:39:00.000-08:00

/me copies dev0n. [[body ills and skills]] nervous habits?: clenching my teeth are you double jointed?: only in some fingers can you roll your tongue?: yes can you raise one eyebrow at a time?: just my left can you blow spit bubbles?: yes can you cross your eyes?: yes tattoos?: one. large. on my back. piercings and where?: two in ear, one in belly, more to come... do you make your bed daily?:

2003-11-17T17:30:00.000-08:00

Frustrating. Coming home. Helping do dishes. Only to be told " I need space ". At least he tells me what he needs. But the information is so conflicting, at times. Yeargh. Best go back to school and get some work done. After dinner. After he finishes the dishes. Which will take longer, because I'm not helping anymore. Meh.

2003-11-09T10:33:00.000-08:00

Like Ali... I follow the herd... You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leavesyour partner bedazzled and maybe even feelinghe/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kissthat never lessens and always blows yourpartner away like the first time. What kind of kiss are you? brought to you by Quizilla -Motherly- You're the motherly type. You love totake care of the one you love, and generallyyou

2003-11-06T21:44:00.000-08:00

Things are better. I don't know why I ramble on so much sometimes. =) We talked. I asked him what it was that I could do for him to really let him know that I love him - he said " I love it when you make me dinner". Cool! I love making dinner, so that's all good. I told him what I like. Being told, "I love you", random spontaneous kisses and random spontaneous hugs/snuggles. =) Hopefully he'll

2003-10-24T22:55:00.000-07:00

The desire for someone to dote on me. Someone to tell me that I make living worthwhile. Someone to touch me in a way that is so tender, so connected... someone to woo me, to seduce me, to pamper me, to look after me. To do the little things that I would appreciate so much... clean the sink, bring me flowers... it doesn't have to be much... it doesn't have to be every day... just once in a while.

2003-10-24T21:12:00.000-07:00

What a strange feeling. I'm alone. M is away in Kaslo with our friends for the weekend... he has a four day weekend, lucky man. However... this leaves me at home after a rather disturbing dream in which I was being stalked and subtly attacked by someone from my past. He had spent all the time since I last saw him developing a machine and program which would completely take over my mind and cause

2003-09-27T10:08:00.000-07:00

The Big Five Personality Test Extroverted|||||||||||||| 58% Introverted |||||||||||| 42% Friendly |||||||||||||||| 70% Aggressive |||||| 30% Orderly |||||||||||| 50% Disorderly |||||||||||| 50% Relaxed |||||||||||| 50% Emotional||||||||||||50% Intellectual |||||||||||||| 60% Practical |||||||||| 40% Take Free Big 5 Personality Test

2003-09-21T17:56:00.000-07:00

Okay so I finished my homework and took this test for fun. I feel it was fairly accurate, all in all. ;-) You are 44% geekYou are a geek liaison, which means you go both ways. You can hang out with normal people or you can hang out with geeks which means you often have geeks as friends and/or have a job where you have to mediate between geeks and normal people. This is an important role and one

2003-09-21T09:18:00.000-07:00

I've figured out that I won't have time to update this journal frequently during the school year. I'll leave it here, in case I *really* need to vent, but I will be keeping the journal on this page updated as regularly as time will allow. I want a record of my journey through school and that will be it.

2003-09-12T09:18:00.000-07:00

I haven't been too active in this journal for the past week... mostly because I'm journalling my school and creative experiences elsewhere - and this was my first week of school. Suffice it to say here that it has already been amazing - and I'm ready for the mind and soul expanding that is going to happen over the next year. The bank-account shrinking that is going to occur is the hard part. We

2003-09-03T10:11:00.000-07:00

Almost ready for school. No more E.I. for me - I went yesterday and cancelled it, because you can't get E.I. when you are going to school... at least not to Art School. ;-) At any rate, I have student loan money and RRSP money to use - I will still have debt, but it should be manageable - and I will definitely HAVE to get a job next summer, but I should be able to last until school is over with,

2003-08-30T16:36:00.000-07:00

For fun... The Friday Five: 1. Are you going to school this year? Yes. Damn, it still seems strange to type that. =) 2. If yes, where are you going (high school, college, etc.)? If no, when did you graduate? Kootenay School of the Arts: Centre for Craft and Design 3. What are/were your favorite school subjects? In high school they were Biology, English, Band, Art and P.E.. This being my first

2003-08-29T11:08:00.000-07:00

Home again and things are going well. There were some moments of angst as my "expectations" for what my greeting would be when I got home weren't "met". Stupid expectations. Having them and giving them power over me sure makes life miserable! I realize that I have a man who loves me VERY much. We talked yesterday... and it was good. Emotional needs are even more important that physical needs in

2003-08-25T05:52:00.000-07:00

It's way too early, but I'm going HOME! Approximately 14 hours and 15 minutes from now we should be pulling in to Nelson's Greyhound Terminal... as long as the forest fires don't change our route... otherwise, it'll be even longer. Time for breakfast, load the cab and head on down to the bus station. I'm looking forward to my own bed, my own home, my dog and my love. (not necessarily in that

2003-08-24T11:33:00.000-07:00

Such strange dreams these last few days. All about sexual tension and all with people I have never had any feelings for in the past, including one woman. All the dreams were erotic but not explicit, I don't know if I've ever had an explicit dream. I think all my sex dreams have been the erotic variety. Charged with sexual tension, but never ever including even so much as a naked breast. I

2003-08-22T09:19:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling quite run-down after a week of city life. I must have caught a minor bug on the bus... ever since Wednesday night I've been feeling like a cold-bug is trying to beat me up. Every morning I wake up feeling better, but with a scratchy voice that tells me I'll feel worse by evening. Despite this, I've done some shopping (new shoes, new climbing harness, new watch, new fleece pants) and

2003-08-17T19:03:00.000-07:00

Wow - this blogger thing sure looks different on a MAC... I'm visiting in Vancouver and had a Grand Day Out with JJ - the 2 year old son of my friends and hosts - so they could clean and pack and just have an overall productive day. It was awesome. =) Lots of driving, and lots of traffic... man am I glad I live in Nelson, now - so peaceful. At any rate.. I have to call Ari lest she think I

2003-08-15T08:58:00.000-07:00

A wonderful week with Ariosa in Nelson and now I'm heading down to Vancouver with her so I can go and help some friends of ours with their packing and moving to Kaslo. Whee. =) We're working on the crap, by the way. I brought it up and we're both willing to admit we have crap. That's the first step. Being willing to admit that we need help with our crap is an awesome second step. We'll make it.

2003-08-13T10:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder why I put up with your crap. I know I have crap of my own, you sometimes put up with it and sometimes don't... sometimes my crap triggers yours or vice versa. Still, I sometimes wonder why I put up with your crap. There is so much positive in our lives for you to be so negative all the time. I care about you so much... I WANT you so much... but I don't feel that coming back

2003-08-10T21:36:00.000-07:00

Friends and family galore invading our home... and I'm loving it. We went down to the lakeside today and swam and sunned and lolled and laughed. It was fun and relaxing. It's great when you live in a place that people come to for vacation. You get to spend time unwinding with all your guests. Anyone else want to come visit? We'll have a free bed in a couple of days... =) Ariosa and M's sister's

2003-08-07T19:52:00.000-07:00

Don't you just hate it when you're sitting there idling in IRC and suddenly an arm muscle you didn't even know you had starts twitching involuntarily? Sometimes it weirds me out, other times I try to figure out which muscle it is, just to have it stop twitching when I get close to figuring it out. Ariosa is coming to visit me! Whee! She'll be here from the 9th until the ??th! We'll see how long

2003-08-06T10:29:00.000-07:00

w00. Scale reads 155lbs today. That makes 5 more pounds lost. 170/155/140. It's slowed down a bit because I'm eating a few too many 'level two' meals. This week I went back to strictly 'level one' and things are progressing again. I think all that level one cheesecake kind of counts as 'level two'. We were away in Kaslo this weekend, during Jazz fest, but not for it. Our friends have bought a

2003-07-31T09:37:00.000-07:00

I'm a generally unfuckwitted, liberal, not-too-generous, not-too-selfish, relatively well adjusted human being!What are you?Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

2003-07-21T16:42:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my haircut blog. My back pain is minimal now, more a discomfort, really - and I was able to hobble on down to StreetFest for the remaining two days. The ill-gotten gains: A didgeridoo for me and one for Matthew, a flute and a quena for me, a loon call for Matthew and a sarong set for me. It's tie dyed two shades of blue - very beautiful and the sarong is so comfy. I'm going to make a

2003-07-18T22:25:00.000-07:00

Ow. Ow. Ow. I put my back out. It was stupid, really... I guess the way most 'I put my back out' stories are... I was standing my bike up after lying it down to sit and watch a performance at StreetFest (OMG FUN!) and KEEE-RUNCH - agonizing pain. As I lowered myself to the ground as slowly and gently as I could while in excruciating pain, I knew there was no way I was getting up any time soon.

2003-07-10T16:34:00.000-07:00

The memorial service yesterday was really beautiful. There were a lot of tears shed, including my own... even though I didn't know "Uncle" very well, he meant so much to Carla and she was in so much pain, that I took some of it into myself and expressed it. It was a tiring day - emotionally draining. This weekend we will be heading to Vancouver for a whirlwind tour. Leave Nelson on Friday at 11:

2003-07-06T09:55:00.000-07:00

Early yesterday morning Carla's Uncle passed away suddenly in her arms. They were very close. All I want is to be there for her. I will be.

2003-07-03T10:13:00.000-07:00

The sea of storms has calmed since last I wrote. The weekend brought a bicycle trip to Salmo - about 55km. Far for our first ride... and most of it along the old Burlington Northern rail line that runs through Nelson, Ymir and Salmo. It was a bit bumpy on the bum, but the scenery, the clean air and the peacefulness compared to taking the highway made it a trip to soothe the soul. It was also

2003-06-27T10:50:00.000-07:00

How morbid and depressing I can be. I'm trying to make a list of things to do today... and I'm torn between getting out to Salmo because I said I would and staying here and doing whatever. I think I'd like to ride out there tomorrow morning with Matthew. We can do it if we leave early enough. I can spend today finishing my stained glass, cleaning up that table area, packing and then doing

2003-06-27T01:25:00.000-07:00

Another sleepless night. Perhaps tonight I will take the plunge and make some sleepytime tea. Though not yet.... too much pondering going on. Some of it, I hope, coming to good. More and more and more of the overwhelming feelings of the weekend washing over me. To the point of getting into a state that I have not been in since I was in my teens. Absolutely overwhelemd. Numb. Feeling separated

2003-06-23T11:29:00.000-07:00

This weekend was a multitude of feelings and emotions. I feel like I'm 15 all over again. I'm visiting with my birth family more and more.. this weekend, our 'nuclear' famliy was all together in the same place for the very first time. It was a farewell party for my birth sister Candy. Birth mom, birth dad, birth sisters... all together. As I always have done, I was trying to fit in. Why do I do

2003-06-19T17:41:00.000-07:00

Wheee! I did it. I bought the wringer washer. I paid for it today, now I'm just searching for a way to get it here without paying $25 for delivery. It's a speed queen, model 26-231W. I want to find out more about it, like when it was made, get a manual for it, stuff like that... and I can hardly wait to use it!! Oh the bliss.... clean clothes and not having to cart them downtown to the laundromat